Give Uncle Arthur A Kiss Transcript

[Family Ties Forever!]

Give Uncle Arthur A Kiss

(Scene 1):

WKS: Steven, Elyse, Alex, Mallory, Jennifer and Steven’s colleagues are present.

Arthur: Steven, I’ve got those lists you wanted.

Steven: Thanks.

Arthur: This one is private contributors, this one here is government grants.

Steven: Reagan cuts back anymore the White House won’t be eligible to get our magazine.

Elyse: Woah! This will get us off to a good start. Here’s a check for $500 from Dennis Elway.

Steven: Un huh.

Elyse: Why aren’t you excited.

Steven: He sends us a check for $500 every week. They always bounce.

Elyse: What do you want me to do with it?

Arthur: Deposit it. Maybe this time we’ll get lucky.

Steven: I guess this is one part of public broadcasting life you won’t miss huh Arthur?

Arthur: Oh I don’t know. After fourteen years you get used to begging and groveling. It becomes a way of life.

Steven: Oh hi kids. Where you been?

Jennifer: Down the hall. Alex stopped off to watch Wall Street Week.

Arthur: How was it?

Alex: Well, I found it a little simplistic, but I guess it’s ok for your average broker.

Arthur: Mallory, look at you. You’re getting cuter everyday.

Mallory: Oh you’re just saying that Uncle Arthur.

Arthur: No I’m not.

Alex: Yes he is.

Mallory: Shut up.

Richard: Steven, Congratulate me. I just talked Wincot Industries into donating $5,000 to the station.

Steven: How did you get that kind of money out of Wincot? Arthur’s been after him for years.

Richard: I explained the tax and public relations benefits to Mr. Wincot and he bought it. I was beautiful. I was gorgeous. I was sensational.

Arthur: And modest.

Richard: No, I wasn’t modest. I did have to buy him six martini’s and promise that you’d give his wife some air time for her Latin Club.

Steven: Her Latin Club?

Richard: Yeah, they come out, they conjugate some verbs, vinnie, vido, vinche, and they’re done.

Steven: Arthur, talk to him.

Arthur: What can I say Steven? It’s not my job anymore.

Richard: Excuse me Arthur. Steven, Mr. Wincot is waiting in your office. He wants to tell you personally how happy he is to be involved with a PBS station.

Arthur: No problem Steven. I’ll take care of things down here.

Richard: Steven let me tell you how persuasive I was.

Steven: That’s ok.

Richard: Please, please.

Jennifer: That’s Alex in ten years.

Phone rings.

Arthur: Hello? Oh good I’ll send someone down.

Arthur hangs up phone.

Arthur: Uh Alex, would you mind going and picking up these clips of these shows?

Arthur tears off a piece of paper.

Arthur: We’re doing a retrospect of the last fifteen years.

Alex: Sure, I’ll handle it.

Arthur: Those film cans are very heavy.

Alex: Jennifer maybe you should do it.

Elyse: Ok we’ll all go help.

Arthur: Wait, you ALL don’t have to go.

Mallory: Oh I’ll stay here and help with the phone campaign. I love to talk on the phone.

Elyse, Alex and Jennifer leave.

Arthur stares at Mallory.

Mallory: Well, do you want me to start organizing some numbers or call—

Arthur: I’m sorry I’m staring Mallory. I just can’t get over how fast time has flown by. How old are you now?

Mallory: Fifteen.

Arthur: No. You can’t be.

Mallory: Oh I’m pretty sure.

Arthur takes Mallory’s hand in his.

Arthur: Well, you’ve become such a beautiful girl or should I say young woman?

Mallory: Girl. Young girl.

Arthur: It’s wonderful to see you growing up. Becoming such a beautiful young lady.

Mallory is uncomfortable.

Mallory: Thank You. Now do you want me to start calling or should I handle incoming calls?

Arthur: That can wait. I haven’t seen you in ages. Now before we start working why don’t you give your Uncle Arthur a hug?

Mallory reluctantly agrees.

Mallory and Arthur hug. Arthur moves his hands around and touches Mallory on her bottom. Mallory backs away. She’s clearly bothered by what Arthur did.

(Scene 2):

Kitchen: Steven, Elyse, Alex, Mallory and Jennifer enter.

Elyse: How’d we do today honey?

Steven: Not bad. We got pledges for $7,500.

Elyse: Is that counting the money from Dennis Elway?

Steven: No counting his money we have $87,000.

Steven, Elyse and Jennifer exit. As Alex walks toward the swinging door Mallory stops him.

Mallory: Alex, I want to talk to you. I need your advice on something it’s really serious.

Alex: Your hair looks great. Can I go now?

Mallory: Alex, I mean it. It’s just; I’ve got a problem.

Alex: We all know that Mallory, but admitting it is the first step.

Mallory: Alex, stop it.

Alex: Mallory, what is it?

They sit at the kitchen table.

Mallory: Well this problem see is kind of in the neighborhood of sex.

Alex: The neighborhood of sex? Are we talking central downtown sex or is this a suburb of sex?

Mallory: I’m not sure.

Alex: Mallory, didn’t they show you that film in hygiene class, you know the one with the baby chickies?

Mallory: Alex, times have changed. They show us the one with the baby babies.

Alex: Are you sure I’m the one you want to talk to about this? I mean I’m your brother. You don’t’ want to reveal anything to personal to me. I’ll go outside and get a stranger.

Mallory: Alex, cut it out. This is really hard for me.

Alex: I’m sorry Mallory. What’s wrong?

Mallory: Well, down at the station after everyone left, I was alone with Arthur and I think he made a pass at me.

Alex: Arthur? Uncle Arthur? Come on he’s known you since you were born, he used to bathe you when you were a baby.

Mallory: I think he wants his old job back.

Alex: I just can’t believe this. There has to be some reasonable explanation

They get up from the table.

Mallory: There might be. Like I said. I’m not sure it was a pass, but--

Alex: What exactly did he do?

Mallory: Well, he held my hands, gave me a kiss and then a hug.

Alex: He’s friendly Mallory.

Mallory: He hugged me real tight.

Alex: He’s a warm person.

Mallory: And he patted me on the behind.

Alex: Doesn’t mean anything. Ball players do it all the time.

Mallory: I’d understand if I’d just hit a home run.

Alex: He thinks you’re cute that’s all. Look Uncle Arthur just wouldn’t do something like that.

Mallory: Are you sure?

Alex: Positive.

Mallory: Good. I’ve never been so happy to be wrong about something in my life. I feel terrible that I even suspected him.

They sit at the table.

Alex: Don’t feel bad about it. It’s easy to misinterpret other people’s actions, esp. in these days of ambiguous sexual roles.

Mallory: Alex, thanks a lot. You’ve really been supportive and understanding, it’s kind of a nice surprise since normally you’re such a creep.

Alex: Thanks Mallory, means a lot to me.

Mallory and Alex exit the kitchen through the swinging door.

(Scene 3):

Livingroom: Steven, Elyse, Arthur, Alex, Mallory and Jennifer are present.

Steven (reading from an index card): Hi, I’m Steven Keaton, I’m the general manager of your public television station WKS. (Dramatic voice) We desperately need your help. If each one of you could just look into your heart and then reach into your (goes to next index card) pocket book we may—

Alex: Hold it. Hold it right there Dad. That approach is all wrong.

Elyse: What’s wrong with it? I wrote it.

Alex: You sound desperate. Nobody is going to want to give you money if you sound like you really need it.

Arthur: Well, I thought it sounded ok.

Jennifer: Don’t patronize him.

Arthur: No, I mean it. Your father is a terrific spokesman for the station. He’s warm, he’s appealing—

Alex & Mallory: Arthur please. It’s getting late.

Steven: Quiet kids. Your Uncle Arthur has the floor. Go on Arthur, I think your last words were warm and appealing

Jennifer: Can I be excused? I have a feeling this could be sticky.

Elyse: You can get dessert if you like.

Alex: Can I help too?

Elyse: Sure. Steven I’ll need your to get the tray down.

Steven: Uh, warm and appealing—

Steven, Elyse, Alex, and Jennifer leave to go to the kitchen.

Mallory and Arthur are left in the livingroom. Mallory tries to quickly leave to go to the kitchen, but Arthur stops here.

Arthur: Uh Mallory could you wait a second.

Mallory: Uh no I don’t think I can see everyone has to carry their own dessert. House rules.

Arthur: I just want to talk about yesterday.

Mallory: Yesterday?

Arthur: Yes, yesterday down at the station.

Mallory: The station yeah that was fun stuffing those envelopes.

Arthur: I’m not talking about stuffing envelopes.

Mallory: Well, what else is there?

Arthur: Let’s be honest Mallory, when I gave you that big hug, you thought I was well making a pass at you. Didn’t you?

Mallory: Well, maybe.

Arthur: I thought so. I’m so glad I brought it up. It was just that I was so glad to see you that I gave you a big hug that’s all. I’m sorry if you thought it was too big.

Mallory: I didn’t really.

Arthur: Look I want you to know that I think of you in only one way and that’s as little Mallory.

Arthur puts his hand out to indicate the height of a small child.

Arthur: And all I want is for you to think of me as your Uncle Arthur.

Mallory: That’s all I want too.

Arthur: Good. So if I did anything that made you think of me in any other way I’m sorry.

Mallory: Well, I apologize for jumping to any conclusions.

Arthur: Your apologize is totally unnecessary.

Mallory: So is yours.

They shake hands. Arthur grabs Mallory and kisses her on the mouth. Mallory backs away and is horrified that Arthur kissed her. She covers her mouth. Mallory leaves and goes into the kitchen. Arthur sits down on the couch.

(Scene 4):

Livingroom: Steven, Elyse, Alex, Mallory and Jennifer are present.

Steven: If you feel like giving give, and if you don’t don’t.

Elyse: I think you’ve gone too far the other way now. Now you’re too low pressure.

Steven: Kids what do you think? Think it’s too long?

Jennifer: I don’t know. Are they going to validate parking down at the station?

Steven: Maybe your right. I’ll keep working on it. Oh, by the way, I thought I’d throw in a few nice words about Arthur since he’s leaving and all.

Mallory: You’re making a speech about Arthur on tv?

Steven: Sure, kind of a going away present. He’ll get a kick out of it and I think he deserves a little attention don’t you?

Mallory: I know he wants some.

Steven: (reading) Arthur Press is a man we all can be proud of. A man that works hard and plays hard.

Alex: Dad, I don’t know about that last line.

Steven: What’s wrong with it?

Alex: I just don’t think anybody cares how hard Arthur plays.

Steven: Well, ok maybe you’re right. Arthur’s kindness, his warmth and his sincerity are an inspiration. He’s a man who has helped us all at the station feeling like we’re not just co-workers, but one big happy family. You can always count on Arthur for a smile or a hug.

Mallory: That’s true.

Steven: So Arthur, it is with sadness that I say ado, but I know at WGGK they’ll say howdy doo to you.

Elyse, Jennifer and Mallory don’t look impressed.

Steven: Well, what do you think.

Elyse: It’s nice. It’s a little long.

Steven: Well, ok, this isn’t the final draft. I’ll make it a little shorter. I’ve already cut out half the speech.

Elyse: You did say some really nice things though Steven.

Steven: Thanks a lot. I’ll try to think up some shorter nice things now.

Steven goes upstairs.

Elyse: Ok guys we have a kitchen to clean there are a lot of dirty dishes. Jennifer, you want to wash or dry?

Jennifer: Dry. There’s more dignity to drying.

Elyse: Guys?

Mallory: Mom, Alex and I will be right with you. We’re going to straight up in here.

Alex: What are you talking about? Everything’s ok, it’s fine.

Mallory hits Alex in the stomach.

Alex: We’re going to clean up this mess.

Elyse leaves and goes into the kitchen.

Alex: Mallory, what’s going on?

Mallory: It’s Uncle Arthur. He kissed me Alex on the lips hard. They don’t do that when you hit a home run do they?

Alex: No not usually. Close game, world series. Alright, I admit it. We have a problem.

Mallory: Help me Alex I don’t know what to do.

Alex: Ok Mallory, don’t worry. Let’s work this out logically. The important thing is you’re ok right?

They sit at the table by the front door.

Mallory: I guess so, yeah.

Alex: Ok. So what do we know? We know you’re ok and Uncle Arthur isn’t. Right? So it’s one-one.

Mallory: Alex, you’re not helping.

Alex: I’m trying. I’m trying.

Mallory: Can you try harder?

Alex: I think the thing to do is, I mean this is just my opinion, but I think it’s the right thing to do.

Mallory: What?

Alex: Talk to your mother. Mom!

They get up from the table.

Mallory: No.

Alex: Mom, come here quick.

Elyse comes into the livingroom.

Elyse: What’s wrong?

Alex: Mallory wants to talk to you. I’d stay Mallory, but I think you’d be more comfortable if I left. I know I would.

Alex leaves and goes into the kitchen.

Elyse: What’s up?

Mallory: Mom, don’t get mad at me for saying this, but Uncle Arthur made a pass at me.

Elyse: Arthur? Are you sure?

Mallory: I’m positive.

Elyse: Mallory when you say a pass—

Mallory: I mean a pass, with his hands and his lips. He did it twice. Once down at the station and then again last night while you were in the kitchen.

Elyse: Did he hurt you?

Mallory: (crying) No, but he scared me. Mom, I’m so embarrassed.

They hug.

Elyse: Honey you shouldn’t be embarrassed. You did nothing wrong.

Mallory: (crying): I just can’t understand why he would do something like this.

Elyse: No, neither can I, but you can bet we’ll find out when we talk to him.

Mallory: (crying): Talk to him? Mom, I couldn’t do that. Can’t we just pretend this never happened?

Elyse: No, honey, no that’s one thing we can’t do. These kinds of things happen to often to pretend it doesn’t exist.

They go and sit on the couch.

Mallory: Did it ever happen to you?

Elyse: Yes it did. A friend of the family well grabbed me one time.

Mallory: Well what did you do?

Elyse: Went upstairs, put on American Bandstand and did the twist. See, I was confused. I was embarrassed. I thought maybe it was my fault or maybe I had misinterrupted what he did and even if he really meant to do it, what good was telling anybody going to do?

Mallory: That’s how I feel. How can I accuse him of being so rotten after all the wonderful things he’s done for me over the years?

Elyse: Mallory, listen to me, you don’t want him to do it to you again, and you don’t want him to do it to any other girls do you?

They get up from the couch.

Mallory: Ok, I guess you’re right, but I mean he’s such a good friend of Dad’s.

Elyse: I’m not saying this is going to be easy. Maybe it’s better if it’s me who talks to Arthur instead of your Dad. But, one thing I’m sure of is, this thing’s going to be taken care of, ok?

They hug.

They walk toward the kitchen. Steven is at the top landing upstairs.

Steven: I’ve come up with a new approach. Who wants to hear a few nice words about Arthur.

Elyse and Mallory walk toward the kitchen.

Steven: Ok, I’ll shorten it some more.

(Scene 5):

WKS Station: Steven is present and Jennifer enters.

Steven: Oh hi sweetheart.

Jennifer: Now remember Dad, when you give your speech be humble. Try to maintain your pride.

Steven: I’ll do my best.

Jennifer: Here’s a kiss for good luck.

Jennifer hisses Steven on the cheek.

Steven: Thanks sweetie.

Jennifer walks off.

Elyse and Mallory enter.

Steven: How about you two? A little kiss for good luck?

Elyse kisses her hand and then places her hand on his lips. Mallory and Elyse walk off.

Steven: I got a warmer greeting at my Army physical.

Elyse: I’m sorry sweetheart. Turn to the left and cough.

Elyse kisses Steven.

Elyse: Good luck. Have you seen Arthur?

Steven: No, but he should be out here any minute.

Elyse: Well, when you see him will you tell him I want to talk to him? It’s very important.

Steven: Sure, anything wrong?

Elyse: No! No.

Richard: About thirty seconds Steve.

Arthur: You know Steven, I’ve seen that fertilizer film a hundred times, and every time I find something new in it. Some little pearl of wisdom.

Richard: Yeah, it’s hard to watch it and not cry.

Elyse: Hello Arthur.

Arthur: Hello Elyse.

Elyse: I want to talk to you.

Steven gets up and puts a jacket on.

Elyse: Mallory told me something—

Richard: You’re on Steve.

Steven: (sitting in a chair): Hello, I’m Steven Keaton, general manager of WKS. Welcome to pledge week. For those of you who have just finished viewing fertilizer your silent friend in the garden, what can I say? I’m sorry.

Steven gets up from the chairs.

Steven: I mean I’m sorry that we won’t be able to continue to bring you that type of quality.

Elyse and Arthur can be seen arguing in the background.

Steven: As well as Sesame Street, Masterpiece Theater, American Playhouse and all the rest unless you help us and help us now with money. Our courteous and friendly secretaries are standing by. I’d like to introduce my wife Elyse Keaton.

Elyse: (waves) Hi

Steven: This is Arthur Press a man whose name is synonymous with WKS--

Elyse starts shaking Arthur.

Elyse: (talking to Arthur): You’re not going to get away with this buddy understand?!

Steven: In fact, not only is his name synonymous, but it rhymes, Arthur Press, WKS.

Elyse starts choking Arthur.

Steven: What is going on?

Arthur: Nothing.

Elyse: It’s not nothing.

Steven: Can’t it wait?

Elyse: Steven, Arthur tried to seduce our daughter.

Elyse shoves Arthur out of his chair.

The camera goes into for a fast close up shot of Steven.

Steven: We’ll be right back.

(Scene 6):

Backstage at WKS: Steven, Elyse and Arthur are present.

Steven: I have one little question.

Arthur: What Steve?

Steven: Can you think of one reason why I shouldn’t kill you?

Arthur: Because it didn’t happen like that Steven.

Elyse: Then why don’t you tell us exactly what happened.

Arthur: I don’t’ remember exactly, but you know me, I’m an affectionate guy. Sometimes when I talk to people I touch them.

Steven: With your lips?

Arthur: Look, I might of, ok it did happen. I don’t know what got into me. I’m sorry, I really am.

Elyse: You’re sorry?! Arthur you think that’s enough?

Arthur: I don’t know what else to say Elyse. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. Ever since Elizabeth and I split up I’ve been acting crazy. Dressing like a teenager, touching up what’s left of my hair.

Elyse: Other people get divorced, other people get older, but they don’t do what you did.

Arthur: I don’t know what came over me. It was an uncontrollable impulse. A one in a million thing.

Elyse: It happened twice.

Arthur: Ok, twice in a million.

Steven: We’re like family Arthur.

Arthur: I didn’t want to hurt her.

Steven: Ah, but you did.

Arthur: I know. I’ve been screwing up everything in my life these days. I had it once, remember Steve? I was the guy who said let Sesame Street let’s go with it? First time I saw Big Bird, I said that bird’s a star. I never liked Mr. Rogers though. Why couldn’t he change his shoes before the show?

Steven: Arthur, would you stop thinking of yourself for one minute and think of what you did to that little girl.

Arthur: You’re right. I guess I’ve got a big problem.

Steven: You better get yourself some professional help Arthur.

Arthur: I guess I better.

Richard: Hey Steve, you still work at this station?

Steven: What is it Richard? We’re busy here.

Richard: Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to get nit picky Steve, but we’re doing a live television show out there.

Steven: Ok, we’re coming.

Richard, Steven, and Elyse leave.

Arthur is left backstage. Mallory comes running in.

Mallory: Dad, aren’t you going to—

Mallory realizes Steven isn’t there, but Arthur is.

Arthur: Hello Mallory.

Mallory: I thought my father, I mean they really need to—

Mallory starts to leave.

Arthur: Mallory, wait. I’m sorry.

Mallory goes to leave.

Arthur: No, it’s more than that. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed.

Mallory: How could you do that to me?

Arthur: I don’t know. I’ve got a problem. I have to go get some help. Look, I don’t’ expect you to forgive me, and I don’t know whether things will ever be the same between us again, but I hope one day I can be your Uncle Arthur again.

Arthur puts out his hand, but Mallory doesn’t shake it.

Arthur: Well, maybe some day.

Arthur leaves and Steven comes in. Steven sees that Arthur was in the same room as Mallory.

Steven: Mallory what?

Mallory: Dad, we were just talking. He apologized. I’m ok.

Mallory hugs Steven.

Steven: I’m so sorry this thing happened Mallory.

Mallory: Why did he do it huh?

Steven: I don’t know. I don’t think he knows.

Richard enters.

Richard: Hey Steve, I have you penciled in for a speech buddy. See, 8 to 8:15 Steve speaks.

Steven: Richard.

Richard: Ok.

Richard leaves.

Mallory: Go make your speech. I’m fine, really.

Steven: You could have come to me right away Mallory. Maybe I could have helped.

Mallory: Arthur’s your good friend.

Steven: You’re my daughter. Nothing is more important to me than my family. Not my work, not my friends, nothing.

Steven kisses Mallory on the top of her head.

Steven: You used to tell me everything.

Mallory: I’m older now, it’s not as easy.

Steven starts to leave.

Mallory: I love you Dad.

Steven: I love you too.

Mallory smiles.

The End.

[~*Emma*~]

Thanks so much Jen! I'm putting this in the transcripts thread as I speak. (or type )

[Family Ties Forever!]

Transcript