1st Season Transcripts

[~*Emma*~]

---> looking for transcripts? go to my frequently updated thread simply called "Transcripts"

This is basically whatt Transcripts are in the transcripts thread. If u have a transcript email it to me at techno_chocolate_@hotmail.com.

POSTED:
Page 1 - Pilot
Page 2 - Not with my sister you don't
Page 3 - Sherry Baby
Page 4 - Margin of Error
Page 5 - The fifth Wheel
Page 6 - Speed trap
Page 7 - Hotline fever
Page 8 - Don't kiss me I'm only the messenger
Page 9 - Fool for Love
Page 10 - The paper chase (aka) Mallory's graduation
Page 11 - Anniversary Waltz
Page 12 - A, My name is Alex
Page 13 - D is For Date
Page 14 - Dream Date
Page 15 - Give Uncle Arthur A Kiss
Page 16 - Cold Storage
Page 17 - Elyse D'Arc
Page 18 - I know Jennifer's boyfriend
Page 19 - Oops
Page 20 - Walking on air
Page 21 - 4 Rms Ocn Vu
Page 22 - Have Gun Will Unravel
Page 23 - My Best Friend's Girl
Page 24 - Big Brother Is Watching
Page 25 - A Christmas Story

COMING SOON:
Invasion Of the Psychologist snatchers
The Wrecker's Ball
Alex doesn't live here anymore

That's enough to keep me going for a while but some transcripts I want are:

The Real thing (Pts 1&2)
The Fugitive (Pts 1&2)
Heartstrings (Pts 1, 2 & 3)
Summer of '82
Say Uncle
They Can't Take That Away From Me (Pts 1&2)

Anyone game enough to do them for me?
Thanx!

[~*Emma*~]

I've decided I'm just gonna make it all seasons Hit me with what ya got

[~*Emma*~]

Family Ties
Episode 1: Pilot

Scene I: Kitchen

Elyse is sitting at the table by the phone.

Enter Steven

Steven: You're up early.

Elyse: Yeah, I thought I'd get a jump on this. I promised the Emersons I'd have this in by Thursday.

Steven walks over to where Elyse is.

Steven: This is there dream house project?

Elyse: Yeah, what do you think? (Shows Steven the plans)

Steven: There's no door here, connecting this side of the house to the other side.

Elyse: The Emersons don't like each other all that much.

Steven: Well, this is a little extreme isn't it?

Elyse: Are you kidding me? I had to talk them out of putting in a molt.

Steven walks over to the stove.

Steven: I don't think the kids were to impressed with our slide show last night. Do you?

Elyse: No. I recognize that glazed look in Alex's eyes. It's the same look I used to get when my father used to talk to me about the Depression.

Steven: Well, I enjoyed them anyway. I can't believe how young I looked.

Elyse: We all looked young.

Steven: Yeah, but you still look the same.

Elyse: Oh, go on.

Steven: Actually, if anything's changed, it's that you look even better now.

Elyse: Go on.

Steven: No, I mean it, there's just something wonderful about the way you look.

Elyse: I said go on.

Elyse and Steven kiss.

Mallory enters through swinging door.

Mallory: Oh God, are you two pawing at each other again?

Steven: I don't consider a legitimate display of affection pawing. Do you know what pawing is?

Mallory goes over to where the plates are and gets plates for breakfast. She then walks to the table with the plates.

Mallory: Of course I know what pawing is, I'm dating Richard Defozeo aren't I?

Steven: Not anymore.

Mallory: You guys have been married a long time. Haven't you had enough?

Elyse: I haven't, have you? (looks at Steven)

Steven: No.

Elyse: Sorry. (looks at Mallory)

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Mallory sets plates on table.

Mallory (shrugs): Gross.

Mallory: Is this my lunch? (Holds up brown paper bag)

Elyse: Yes.

Mallory: What's in it?

Elyse: You'll like it.

Mallory: Are there sprouts in here?

Elyse: There are no sprouts.

Mallory: Nothing alive?

Elyse: Nothing alive, nothing healthy, don't worry.

Alex enters.

Alex: How do I look?

Steven: Middle aged.

Alex: Dad, recent studies show, that you can predict success, by the way a person dresses.

Steven: Alex, you're a young man. You shouldn't be worried about success. You should be thinking about hopping on a steam trainer, and going around the world, or putting a pack on your back and heading down to Mexico, South America, or anywhere.

Alex: The 1960's are over Dad.

Steven: Thanks for the tip.

Jennifer enters through the swinging door, carrying her homework.

Jennifer: Anyone know what the capital of Iowa is?

Mallory, Steven, Elyse, and Alex all answer at the same time with all different answers.

Jennifer: Well, that narrows that down a little.

Steven: Actually, Jennifer, Iowa is the one state that has no capital. So it's the responsibility of every American to look out for Iowa.

Phone rings.

Alex: I'll get it, it's for me.

Alex gets up and goes over to the phone.

Alex: Hello?

Alex: Yeah, just a second. Jennifer it's for you.

Jennifer gets up to answer the phone.

Jennifer: Don't talk to long ok? I'm expecting an important call.

Steven: Who are you expecting a call from?

Alex: Oh, no one.

Mallory: Kimberly Blanton.

Steven: Who's Kimberly Blanton?

Alex: Oh nobody.

Mallory: She's this super rich chick at school who drives a yellow convertible and looks like a barbie doll. Alex thinks she might be interested in him.

Alex: What are you, the town pryer?

Mallory: I have no secrets from my father.

Jennifer: Yeah, ok bye.

Hangs up phone and walks over to table and sits down.

Phone rings again.

Alex: I'll get it, it's for me.

Alex: Hello? Jennifer it's for you.

Jennifer: It's probably Chrissy again, she's going through a personal crisis.

Jennifer gets up to answer it.

Mallory: Come on Alex she's not going to call, girls like Kimberly just don't call guys like you.

Alex: Thank You.

Mallory: You see, Alex's been chasing her for three months now, and he hasn't even gotten to first base.

Alex: That's not true.

Mallory: Ah huh.

Alex: I've been chasing her for two months, but we're making progress. The lines of communication are open. Which is more than I can say for the phones in this house. Jennifer, you're only nine years old. How much could you possibly have to say?

Jennifer: Can you hold on a second Chrssy? Look Alex, I might only be nine years old, but I'm a person too, and I have a right to speak on the telephone without being harassed by you.

Alex: Get off the phone now.

Jennifer: I'll call you back, ok Chris?

Jennifer: Mom, did you see that?

Elyse: No, what happened?

Jennifer: Alex hit me.

Alex: Jennifer.

Jennifer: Ok, he didn't really hit me, but he wanted to. I could see it in his eyes.

Elyse: Alex, get a grip on yourself. If Barbie's going to call--

Alex: Her name isn't Barbie Mom, she just looks--

Phone rings.

Mallory gets up quickly and answers it.

Mallory: Hello? May I tell him who's calling?

Mallory covers the receiver with her hand.

Mallory: It's Kimberly Blanton.

Alex: Kimberly.

Mallory: Oh, I'm sorry Kimberly, I don't think he's--

Alex intercepts the phone.

Alex: Alex P. Keaton here.

Mallory: Smooth Alex.

Mallory goes to the table and sits down.

Alex: Kimberly, what a pleasant surprise. Tonight? Just a minute, let me check.

Alex covers the receiver with his hand.

Alex: Kimberly is coming over to study with me tonight. Is it ok if she has dinner with us first?

Elyse: Sure, if you want her to.

Alex: Tonight seems to be clear Kimberly. Alright, very good. Ok, see you at school. Bye.

Alex hangs up the phone.

Alex picks up his briefcase and walks out the kitchen door. Once outside...

Alex: Yahoo!

Steven: I haven't seen him this excited since Reagan was elected.

Scene II Livingroom:
Steven is sitting on the couch reading and listening to a record. Elyse is sitting at the table by the front door sowing a pillow.

Alex enters from the kitchen.

Alex: Unbelievable, how can you two be so relaxed? Kimberly's going to be here any minute. Don't you want to get in the kitchen Mom?

Elyse: Why? Is it a surprise party?

Alex: No, I'm serious Mom, what about dinner? Don't you have to watch it?

Elyse: Alex, don't worry, I put the roast in the oven. It knows what to do from there.

Alex: The ambiance in here is all wrong.

Alex turns off the light that Steven had on to read by.

Steven: Hey.

Steven turns the light back on.

Alex turns off the record Steven was listening to.

Steven: Hey, what are you doing? I was listening to that.

Alex: That's depressing Dad. This is an up night, this guy sounds like he's in pain.

Steven: He's supposed to be, he's a folk singer.

Alex puts on a different record.

Steven: Now, that's depressing.

Alex: You know, the house doesn't look all that great.

Elyse: When is Kimberly coming? Maybe we can have it painted before she gets here.

Mallory standing at the top of the stairs (landing)

Mallory: Tonight's the night isn't it?

Mallory comes downstairs.

Mallory: Kimberly Blanton in our very own home. It's like a dream.

Alex: Very funny.

Mallory: She probably just wants to check out your table manners. See if you know what the small fork is for, that kind of stuff.

Alex: Come here, I'll show you what the small fork is for.

Elyse gets up from the table by the front door.

Elyse: Alex, maybe your getting a little carried away here. If Kimberly, doesn't like you or your family for who they are, then maybe she's not worth caring about at all, don't you think?

Alex: Are you going to wear your hair like that, or are you going to put it up?

Jennifer at the top of the stairs (landing)

Jennifer: Alex, I changed my mind. I don't want to wear this.

Alex: To late Jennifer. A deal's a deal.

Jennifer comes downstairs.

Jennifer: I'll give you your dollar back.

Doorbell rings.

Alex: Ok, that's her, alright, everybody just stay calm.

Everyone stands next to each other. Alex walks over to them and places one of Jennifer's hands on one of her hips.

Alex: Small fork's for salad right?

Mallory: Right, and the spoon is for soup.

Alex: Soup, right. Ok, just act natural.

Alex answers the door.

Alex: Hi, sorry I had to answer the door myself. Our butler's off tonight.

Scene III Dining Room:
Everyone is sitting at the dining room table eating dinner.

Elyse: Well, tell me Kimberly, what are you studying in school?

Kimberly: Oh, you know.

Mallory: Sounds interesting.

Alex: What Kimberly means is, it's the same stuff I'm studying, so you're probably familiar with it.

Alex: So, Dad, do you think we'll sail around the world this year?

Steven: To tell you the truth Alex, it doesn't look good.

Alex: Kimberly sailed to the south of France last summer.

Elyse: That sounds interesting, I've always wanted to go there, what's it like?

Kimberly: Well, it was ok. It's real different though. I'll tell you one thing, if you're ever going to the Rivera, you're going to have a really hard time finding a decent cheese burger.

Elyse: Well, thanks for the warning. We'll just bring our own.

Jennifer: We went away last summer too, to Cleveland. It was far away and everything. We got to take the bus.

Kimberly: The bus. What do you mean?

Alex: What my sister means is, we went to visit our grandmother, Grand Mar. We were going to fly, but--

Jennifer: There was a bum on the bus remember? (laughs)

Alex: Jennifer, eat your potatoes.

Kimberly: So, exactly what do you do Mr. Keaton?

Steven: I manage the public television station here in town.

Kimberly: Oh, what a cute job. That's the station with all the English shows right?

Steven: I wouldn't say they're all English, but there are some.

Kimberly: Yeah, I watched it once or twice. But, I really miss the commercials.

Elyse: I forget Kimberly, what is it you say, that you're studying?

Mallory: You know.

Kimberly: Just the basic college prep courses.

Elyse: Have you decided what you want to major in, in college?

Kimberly: Well, yeah, see, I really want to dedicate my life to helping others. I really want to be a cheerleader.

The tea kettle is heard.

Elyse: I'll get the tea.

Kimberly: Oh, let me give you a hand with that.

Alex stands up and helps Kimberly with the chair.

Kimberly: Thanks.

Elyse and Kimberly get up from the dinning room table and head into the kitchen.

Alex: Well, what do you think? Is she something else or what?

Scene IV Livingroom:

Elyse is on the phone.

Elyse: I'm sorry Mr. Emerson, that you don't like the location of your wife's bedroom, that's as far away as I could get it. I did have to stay on the property. Well, we could try that, but it would mean going under ground. Ok, give my best to Mrs. Emerson. Hello? Hello?

Elyse hangs up the phone.

Steven: Trouble in paradise?

Elyse: You know what I can't figure out?

Steven: What?

Elyse: The Emersons have eight kids.

Alex at top of stairs (landing)

Alex: Either of you guys know anything about polo?

Steven: Polo?

Alex comes downstairs.

Alex: Kimberly's picking me up any minute now, today's the big tournament for the Gray Cup, or Blue Cup, or some Cup. I was hoping one of you would at least know the rules

Steven: Polo?

Alex: Nevermind, I'll just ride like everyone else does.

Alex goes back upstairs.

Steven: Do you think maybe he was switched at birth and the Rockafellars got our kid?

Elyse: It could be. I wasn't going to tell you, but this morning, I found a copy of Wall Street Week under his bed.

Elyse gets up from the table by the front door and goes over to where Steven is by the couch.

Elyse: I just had a thought. Alex is going to be gone for the whole day. Mallory's on her way out too. How about we go upstairs, put on some old Johnny Mathis albums and...

Steven: What about Jennifer? She's still here?

Elyse: Give her your Master Charge and let her check into the Holiday Inn for the weekend.

Steven: Well, she is almost ten.

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Mallory enters from the kitchen, carrying a jacket.

Mallory: You two never stop do you?

Steven: Don't you knock before you enter someone's livingroom?

Mallory: Don't you have some self control? I mean, it's not even lunch time yet.

Alex comes downstairs.

Alex: I won't be home for dinner. There's going to be a little party after the Polo game tonight.

Mallory: It's a Polo Match you claud. I can't believe what I have to put up with.

Mallory leaves through the front door.

Elyse: Where's the party going to be?

Alex: It's over at the Carlton Country Club.

Steven: Alex, the Carlton is a restricted club.

Alex: Oh, that's alright, I'll be with the Blanton's. You know it's really neat over there. They have an indoor pool, you can eat on the terrace, and if you get a phone call, they bring the phone right to your table.

Steven: That will come in handy in case, Elliot Jane Way calls.

Elyse: What your father means is, the Carlton doesn't have any members who are black, Jewish, hispanic, or any other group who didn't come over on the May Flower.

Alex: I just want to go to a party Mom, I don't want to change the world.

A car horn is heard. Alex leaves through the front door.

Scene V Livingroom:
Steven is talking on the phone.

Steven: Hi yes, is this the Carlton Country Club? Listen my name is Steven Keaton and--, no I'm not a member, yes I can hold. Hi, yes I'm trying to locate my son, Alex Keaton he's with the Blanton party, no he's not a member either. Yes, I can hold.

Elyse comes into the livingroom and turns on the main light. Since Steven was talking on the phone with dim lighting.

Steven: Ok, well listen, that's what I thought it was too, I'll try it out on the highway and let know. Thanks a lot.

Steven hangs the phone up.

Elyse: Who was that?

Steven: One of the mechanics over at the Volvo place.

Elyse: Which one?

Steven: Swen.

Elyse: You have Swen's home number?

Steven: He was at the shop. I'm thinking of maybe taking the car in and have him have a look at it.

Steven puts a jacket on.

Elyse: Steven it's a quarter of ten.

Steven: Well, you get a discount if you bring it in at night. You know how those Sweeds are, they're used to working late. The Land of the Midnight Sun and all that.

Elyse: Norway, is the Land of the Midnight Sun.

Steven: Well, they sure fooled Swen, I better get down there and tell him.

Steven: Ok, that wasn't really Swen.

Elyse: You're kidding?

Steven: I was trying to reach Alex. There was something I wanted to tell him.

Elyse: Can't it wait until he gets home?

Steven: That's what I want to tell him to come home now. It's driving me nuts that he's over there Elyse.

Elyse: Steven: I don't like it any more than you do, but Alex is Alex. He sees things differently then we do.

Steven: I know he does, and I admit some of it up until now has been cute. I didn't mind the pop quiz on wine the other night. If he wants to hang a poster of William Buckley over his bed that's his own business. But, we have to draw a line somewhere and I think a restricted club is a good place to draw it.

Steven leaves through the front door.

Scene VI Carlton Country Club
Alex, Kimberly and her parents are sitting at a table eating.

Steven enters the club looking for Alex.

Steven comes over to the table.

Alex: Dad?

Steven: Excuse me, I'm sorry to disturb you, everything is alright, can I speak to you for a second Alex?

Steven: Hello Kimberly.

Kimberly: Hello Mr. Keaton. May I introduce my parents? Dad.

Steven: Steve Keaton.

Presten: Presten Blanton. My wife Emily.

Emily Blanton: How do you do?

Steven: I'm fine thank you.

Presten: There isn't any trouble is there?

Steven: No, I just forgot to tell Alex something.

Emily: Won't you sit down for a moment Mr. Keaton?

Steven: No, really I can't stay, thank you.

Presten: Roger, bring a chair for Mr. Keaton please.

Steven: No, that's ok Roger, don't bother.

Presten: Just for a moment. Go ahead Roger bring it.

Steven: No, Roger don't. Oh, ok, go ahead bring me a chair. Excuse us for a moment.

Alex: Excuse me.

Alex and Steven walk away from the table.

Alex: What's going on Dad?

Steven: Alex, I want you to come home with me now.

Alex: Not so loud.

Steven: I'm sorry, this place makes me mad and when I'm mad I'm loud. Now come on, let's go, I don't want to make a scene.

Alex: I think it's a little too late for that.

Steven: I was hoping you would come to it yourself, but obviously, you don't understand the moral ramifications of your being here.

Alex: Would you just stop it Dad?

Steven: Don't you understand what this place stands for? It's aliteis, it's exclusionary.

Steven tries an orderv and a drink.

Steven: Boy these things are great, what are they?

Waiter: Rumockey sir.

Steven: Are there any without liver?

Kimberly: The Bunny Hop Alex, come on.

Steven: Don't hop away from me when I'm talking to you.

Scene VII Livingroom:
Elyse, Mallory, and Jennifer are sitting on the couch. Steven and Alex are also in the room.

Elyse: Ok girls let's go up.

Jennifer: Go ahead Mom, we'll meet you up there.

Mallory: Nice try kid.

Jennifer: Well, it was worth a shot anyway.

Mallory, Jennifer and Elyse go upstairs.

Steven: Before you say anything Alex, I just want you to know I'm sorry.

Alex: Dad, I just want you to know that that's not enough.

Steven: I'll write notes of apology to the Blanton's and Kimberly. What did you tell them anyway?

Alex: I told them the truth. That you were my Dad's twin brother, and that you escaped from a home.

Steven: Thanks for covering for me.

Alex: You really humiliated me Dad. How could you do that?

Steven: Alex, it's hard to know when to interfere and when to let you go on your own. When you were little it was easy. Take the poison and put it on a high shelf and give you a safe place to play, and make sure you don't tumble down the stairs. As you get older it gets harder. The line between protecting and interfering can get blurry. I tripped over it tonight, as you might have noticed.

Alex: You were really something out there.

Steven: My father, your Grandpa Jake, was a very unemotional man, very distant, very proper. He was so proper, I didn't know he cared. He didn't show it. I guess I overreact, because he didn't react at all. Understand?

Alex: Yeah, I guess.

Steven: Look Alex, I was wrong to go over there like I did, but I hope you understand why I did. I hope you understand why I felt so strongly about you being a restricted club.

Alex: I do Dad, but I'm seventeen years old. When I see Kimberly Blanton in a strapless evening gown, I don't look past her for the bill of rights.

Steven: Alex, I was seventeen once myself, but I had principles, I had beliefs. Well, now that you mention it, I do recall working for Nixon for a couple of weeks in 1960.

Alex: Richard Nixon?

Steven: You see, there was this young republican, Sandra Fudderman, a real fashis, but she wore it well. I mean Sandra was...well she had...,there was a way she could...--

Alex: I get the point Dad.

Steven: I love you very much Alex, sometimes it overwhelms me and I make mistakes like tonight. I know there are other fathers, more in control, more reserved, more adult, but, none that love their sons more than I love you.

Alex: I know you do Dad. But, that's the crazy part, even when we were out there bunny hopping tonight, mad as I was, and I was hopping mad. I knew.

Steven: Good.

Alex: But, I'm not you Dad. We're two different, separate people.

Steven: I know that.

Alex: Think this kind of thing's going to happen again?

Steven: I don't know, we're both getting older. One of us is bound to grow up eventually.

Steven and Alex shake hands. Then they hug.

The End.

(THANKS SOOOOOOO MUCH TO JEN1989)

[~*Emma*~]

Intro. Music:

Scene 1

(Elyse and Steven in living room. Mallory enters)

Mallory: I don't mean to be rude but do you guys mind if I use
this room for a while?
Steven: Oh no, go right ahead.
Mallory: Well what I mean is, what I'm trying to say-
Elyse: Want us to leave?
Mallory: Well not right away I was hoping you could help me
clean up before you left.
Steven: Do we have to leave the grounds altogether? Can't we
find a room somewhere to hide?
Mallory: Oh you don't understand, Sherry Marshall's going to be
here any minute and I'm anxious to make a good
impression on her.
Elyse: Who is Sherry Marshall?
Mallory: She happens to be a Pi Gnu the best sorority in the
whole world, she's the president.
Steven: Is she coming alone or with some secret service
agents?
Mallory: Yesterday out of all the kids in Mrs Poger's class,
Sherry picked me to do her science project with her,
I think she may ask me to pledge a sorority so I want
everything to be perfect.
(Alex enters carrying Skippy, Jennifer
following)
Alex: You guys, can you give me a hand with Skippy?
Mallory: Oh no! Why are you bringing him in here?
Skippy: Is that the voice of my beloved? Is that you Mallory?
Mallory: I'm not your beloved Skippy we've been through this
before I am your neighbor and ex-baby-sitter.
Elyse: What happened?
Alex: Oh he as going out for a pass and he ran into the pole.
Jennifer: I told you to run a down and in Skippy, you were
supposed to go to the pole and stop!
Skippy: I did, I stopped when I hit the pole.
Elyse: (To Jennifer) Get a cold rag honey (Jennifer leaves)
(To Skippy) come and sit down Skippy.
Mallory: Ah mom don't let him sit down, Sherry's going to be
here any minute.
Elyse: He's hurt, he's gotta sit down.
Mallory: Well then at least cover him up with something.
Steven: Can't you talk nicely to Skippy?
Mallory: Sorry day (Walking over to Skippy) listen Skip ah,
it's vital that you leave now someone very important
is on her way over to see me, obviously I don't want
her to think I know you.
Skippy: I understand.
Steven: That's much better.
Elyse: Com'on Skippy let's take a look at that scratch.
(Door bell rings)
Mallory: That's her - quick get him out of here.
Elyse: Oh Mallory.
Skippy: Hurry, hurry before she sees me!
(All leave except Mallory)
Mallory: Hi Sherry come on in. (Answering door)
(Sherry enters)
Sherry: Hi.
Mallory: You know I am really glad were partners, it's going to
be a lot of fun and it's a great chance for us to get
to know one another.
Sherry: Yah great, where's Alex?
Mallory: Huh?
Sherry: Alex Keaton, isn't he your brother?
Mallory: I suppose technically hi is yeah. Anyway (opening
book) I was thinking something along the lines of
ecology, maybe a chart showing the breeding cycle-
Sherry: So um is he here?
Mallory: I don't know, we're really not that close. I run into
him now and again down at the market.
(Alex enters, turns on radio)
Alex: Oh I hope you don't mind, it's time for the commerce
and shipping news.
Mallory: Alex we do mind we're doing a project for school here.
Alex: All right, all right I'll listen to it upstairs, it's
a lot more exciting in stereo anyway.
Sherry: Wait, know what, I'll go with you. I just love the
commerce and shopping news.
Alex: Shipping.
Sherry: Ah right, y'know, I don't think we've met, I'm Sherry
Marshall. (Extending hand)
Alex: (Shaking hand) Great, take care of yourself.
(Alex leaves)
Mallory: So anyway what do you think about the ecology thing?
Or maybe you have something else in mind.
Sherry: Does Alex ever go out with any of your friends?
Mallory: No, never, he says he has some kind of reputation to
uphold.
Sherry: S'too bad, he's really cute I was hoping um we could
double-date sometime.
Mallory: Double-date, me and you.
Sherry: But if Alex never goes out with your friends.
Mallory: Ah did I say never? I don't know what I was thinking.
Sherry: Well come to think of it there's still some openings
on our sorority list, we're voting on them next week
at our big dance, that would be a great place for a
double-date.
(Alex enters)
Alex: Forgot my globe, (Picking up globe) ah how's your
project coming?
Mallory: It's starting to shape up.

Scene 2

(Kitchen: present are Steven, Elyse and Jennifer)

Steven: Ah, I've come up with a terrific idea for Mallory's
science project.
Elyse: Isn't Mallory supposed to come up with an idea?
Jennifer: Her idea was for dad to come up with one.
Steven: Anyway I think she should try making a scale model of
a molecule.
Jennifer: Mallory can't even make a salad!
Elyse: Steven I can see it coming, you're going to do the
whole project for her.
Steven: Uh uh I learned my lesson on that relief map of South
Africa I did for Jennifer.
Jennifer: I had to take an incomplete on that one.
Steven: I explained that to you Jennifer, I ran out of paste,
anyway I still think you should have handed it in.
Jennifer: Mrs Dander's pretty sharp, I think she would have
noticed if Brazil was missing.
(Mallory enters)
Steven: Hi honey.
Mallory: Hi.
(Jennifer sits on chair)
Mallory: Uh Jennifer don't sit there that's Alex's chair.
Jennifer: Since when?
Mallory: Well he prefers to sit there I think we should let
Alex have his way on that. He asks so little of us.
(Everyone looks amazed)
Jennifer: Have you been under your hairdryer too long?
(Alex enters)
Alex: Morning.
Steven: Hey Alex.
Mallory: Oh hi, Alex your favorite chair is ready I've been
holding it for you. What kind of cereal will you be
having this morning?
Alex: This kind. (Pointing to cereal container)
Mallory: Uh let me get that for you. Uh would you like some
toast to go with that?
Alex: No I'm a I'm going in early this morning I don't have
time to wait for toast.
Mallory: Well have dad's. (Taking toast form Steven just as he
is about to bite it) I'm sorry dad I'I didn't know you
wanted that.
Steven: Well t'there was no way you could tell.
(Steven gets up and Mallory sits down in the
same chair)
Mallory: Alex what would you say if I told you I could get you
a date with one of the most popular girls in school?
Alex: I'd say that I don't need your help to do that. Like
who?
Mallory: She is a wonderful girl with a great personality.
Alex: No sounds bad all ready, look Mallory this wouldn't be
your friend Sherry would it?
Mallory: Right.
Alex: No way.
Mallory: Why not?
Alex: Well just the fact that you want me to go out with her
is enough reason not to.
Steven: That's sweet.
Mallory: Look Alex for some strange reason Sherry Marshall
thinks you're cute now I want you to go out with her,
say great things about me and help me to get into Pi
Gnu.
Elyse: Mallory you sound a little desperate about this
sorority.
Mallory: I'm not desperate, but I wanta get in.
Elyse: Look i'is it worth joining this sorority though if
you have to be manipulative and deceitful to get in?
Mallory: Yeah. Com'on mom you know what these things are like,
the hard part is getting in and then once you're in
then you can be yourself.
(Car horn is heard)
Alex: Oh that's my ride I gotta be in early today.
Mallory: Oh whata you say Alex? She really thinks you're cute.
Alex: Listen Mallory, I don't go out with girls who have:
I.Qs lower than room temperature, who have contagious
diseases or who are friends of yours. And there's
certainly some overlap in those three categories.

Scene 3

(Living room: Steven and Elyse present)

(Jennifer enters)
Jennifer: How's your science project going dad?
Steven: Well it's not my science project Jennifer it's
Mallory's. Having some trouble with it.
Jennifer: What is it?
Steven: Uh ice.
Jennifer: Don't let it melt.
Steven: Well, i'it's not really ice, this is a perfect
representation of a group of crystallized water
molecules.
Elyse: Your father's very proud of it, he's hoping for an
'A'.
(Alex and Mallory enter)
Mallory: Alex why won't you help me out on this it's just one
date that's all.
Alex: It's the principal Mallory I am not some cheap floozy
available for one night stands for people you want to
impress next thing you'll be asking me to jump out of
a cake.
(Skippy enters)
Skippy: Hi, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Elyse: Hi Skippy actually no were just going into dinner.
Skippy: As luck would have it I am free for dinner tonight.
Steven: That is lucky.
Mallory: Forget it Skippy.
Elyse: She's kidding you're welcome to stay for dinner but
call your mother (Pointing to phone)
Skippy: (Pointing back) She sent me over.
(Elyse and Mallory retire to kitchen)
Steven: So Skippy what do you think of my er I mean er
Mallory's er science project?
Skippy: Well my da I mean mine came up better.
Steven: Mallory's not finished yet.
(Steven leaves)
Skippy: Alex, I'm not just here for dinner tonight I'm here
for a victory celebration. Congratulate me and pay
me.
Alex: What are you babbling about?
Skippy: Well remember that bet we made about six years ago
that I would never get any grade higher than a 'C' in
school well read this and weep!
(Gives Alex paper)
Alex: This is a hygiene test! This doesn't count! Look at
these questions, when do you use soap? How could you
miss that?
Skippy: This is a test Alex you owe me 50 bucks.
Alex: I haven't got 50 bucks.
(Mallory enters)
Mallory: It's dinner time, for one of you. (Pointing to Alex)
Skippy: Your mother said I could stay Mallory.
Mallory: She's had a high fever Skippy, she hasn't been herself.
(Mallory leaves)
Alex: Skip, if I can get Mallory to let you stay for dinner
will you knock five bucks off?
Skippy: I'll take off ten.
Alex: You drive a hard bargain Skippy.
Skippy: You know I could be persuaded to uh forget the entire
50 if you could get Mallory to go out with me.
Alex: I'd live to go along with you on that one Skip but
let's stay in the real world here.
Skippy: It was just a chance for us to help each other out
that's all.
(Mallory enters)
Mallory: Dinner is on the table.
Alex: Mallory uh can I talk to you for a second?
Mallory: What is it?
Alex: I was thinking Mallory, yesterday you came to me in
your hour of need to ask of me a favor, I think that
my rejection might have been a little hasty.
Mallory: You mean you'll go out with Sherry?
Alex: Yeah I'I think so.
Mallory: Great that is wonderful.
Alex: Uh there is however one small favor that I would
like to ask of you.
Mallory: Name it, anything!
Alex: I'd like you to go out on a date with uh young Irwin
here.
Mallory: I'd rather enter a convent.
Skippy: I'm flattered by the competition.
Alex: Come on Mallory we can make this palatable it doesn't
have to be a long date, you don't even have to be
civil.
Mallory: Do I have to talk to him?
Alex: Skip?
Skippy: Well a couple of words would be nice.
Alex: Of course you'll have to talk to him.
Mallory: Then it's off.
Alex: Conversation's over-rated Skippy, the important thing
is you'll be together.
Skippy: Okay forget the talking, I'm flexible on that one.
Mallory: Do I have to go out in public with him?
Skippy: That's up to Alex.
Alex: Yeah I'm afraid so you see we'll double-date we'll go
together to the Pi Gnu dance.
Mallory: I am not dancing with him.
Alex: There's not gonna be any dancing Skippy.
Skippy: T'there's gotta be dancing, this point is
non-negotiable.
Alex: I don't think he's bluffing Mallory.
Mallory: All right one dance.
Skippy: Two dances one slow.
Alex: Mallory?
Mallory: I would almost rather die than do this.
Alex: Sounds like a yes to me Skip.

ADVERTISEMENTS

Scene 4

(Living room: Jennifer is present reading book)

(Alex and Mallory enter)
Mallory: Now don't lay it on too thick okay? I mean tell
Sherry how wonderful I am and all that but don't get
too gushy about it.
Alex: I'll try and control myself.
Jennifer: Hey you two guys look great.
Mallory: Oh you really think so? I'm so nervous.
Jennifer: What's the big deal?
Mallory: The big deal is that my reputation, my life, my entire
social status is in Alex's hands.
Jennifer: Ah you shouldn't be nervous, you should panic.
(Jennifer leaves)
(Steven and Elyse enter)
Steven: Well, everybody all ready to go?
Alex: Yeah.
Mallory: I guess.
Elyse: You look terrific Mallory.
Mallory: Thanks mom.
Steven: Mallory uh this is for you from uh mom and me.
Mallory: Ah thank you, I was under the impression that you two
weren't too crazy about the idea of my joining.
Elyse: Well we're not happy about the way you're getting in
but we know it's important to you. (Elyse kisses
Mallory) Alex, what made you change your mind about
going out with Sherry?
Alex: Well I uh I thought it over and I realized if it meant
that much to Mallory, it means that much to me.
Steven: Okay you don't have to tell us if you don't want to.
(Door bell rings)
(Alex opens door)
(Skippy enters)
Steven: Skip.
Mallory: Skippy what are you doing here I told you I'd meet
you there.
Skippy: I know but you didn't tell me where it was.
Steven: Uh M'Mallory I don't mean to pry but I'm kinda
surprised that uh you and Skip well I mean that the
two of you would-
Mallory: That we're going out on a, on a date? I had to do it
it's the only way I could get Alex to go out with
Sherry.
Alex: Yeah you see uh I'm going out with Sherry so Mallory
will go out with Skippy so I don't have to pay Skippy
the money I owe him on a stupid bet.
Steven: Ah, to be young and in love.

Scene 5

(Pi Gnu dance)

Alex: So this is a great sorority. All girls right?
Sherry: Right.
Alex: Well I think you're making a great move asking my
sister to join, I mean she is a girl and everything.
Sherry: Alex, did anyone ever tell you that you have a really
cute nose?
Alex: This one?
Sherry: Yeah, yeah I like the way it just sits right there
just right in the middle of your face.
Alex: Well I've tried other locations but I have always
found that this one works best.
Sherry: You're funny Alex, you know I find a sense of humor
in a man to be incredibly sexually exiting.
Alex: A priest and a rabbi are in a row boat.
(Mallory walks over)
Mallory: Hi you two, having fun?
Sherry: We were.
Mallory: Now don't believe everything Alex tells you, I do have
some flaws. (Skippy appears) Here's one now.
Skippy: So Alex, how you doin' with your woman?
(Music speeds up)
Mallory: Yeah come on Skippy I'm gonna have to dance with you
sooner or later, let's get it over with.
(Skippy and Mallory dance)
Alex: They make a cute couple don't you think?
Sherry: Now, where were we?
Alex: Oh I can't remember exactly something about you
finding me incredibly exiting.
Sherry: You know Alex, I've admired you from afar for a long
time.
Alex: Well now you can admire me from aclose.
(They dance)
(Announcer of winners of places in sorority
steps onto stage)
Announcer: Okay everyone okay this is the moment we've all been
waiting for, it's time to announce the lucky new
members of Pi Gnu. (Clapping/cheering) Congratulations
Karen Sheldon, (Clapping/cheering) Donna Baldwin,
(Clapping cheering) Annette Moretta
(Clapping/cheering) and Katie Berstrum.
(Clapping/cheering) Welcome to our little family.
(Steps off stage)
(Dance continues)
Mallory: Excuse me, are you sure you didn't miss any names on
that list?
Announcer: No that's all.
Mallory: My name's Mallory Keaton, can you check one more time?
Announcer: (Checking) (Sigh) I don't see your name on her
anywhere, I don't think it was submitted.
Mallory: I don't understand. (Sees Alex dancing) Com'on Alex
let's go home (Alex gives sign to go away) Alex let's
go (pulling arm away from Sherry)
Alex: Mallory do you mind?
Mallory: Alex my name was not on the list to pledge the
sorority.
Alex: (To Mallory) Oh what are you talking about (To Sherry)
Sherry wasn't Mallory's name on the list?
Sherry: I don't know, I'm not in the membership committee.
Alex: Well, well I'I thought you said you wee gonna-
(Sherry kisses Alex) Well Mal these things happen I
mean obviously Sherry did all she could.
Mallory: Alex I want to go home now.
Alex: Sorry I'I'I know how you feel. I'll see you there.
(Alex walks off with Sherry)
Mallory: So you're not coming with me?
Alex: I have responsibilities Mallory, I'm needed here.
Skippy: Mallory, I'll take you home.
(Mallory runs off)

Scene 6

(Living room: Mallory present sitting in dark)

(Steven enters with molecule model turning
light on)
Steven: Mallory?
Mallory: Hi dad.
Steven: Why are you sitting here in the dark?
Mallory: I was just thinking, (sees model) what's that?
Steven: Oh this is your uh science project, I couldn't sleep
so I thought I'd work on it a little.
Mallory: How am I doin' on it?
Steven: I'll be honest Mal you're having trouble, at this
point it's a 'B', or a 'B plus' at best.
Mallory: Well dad what's important's not the grade but what
you learn from it.
Steven: Well how was the dance?
Mallory: Terrible, I wasn't even invited into the sorority.
Steven: Honey w'what happened? Do you want to talk about it?
Mallory: What happened is that Sherry never even put my name on
the list, I mean she got what she wanted and forgot
all about me.
Steven: Oh Mal, I'm sorry.
Mallory: How could I be so stupid, Sherry was just using me.
Steven: Look this may be hard to face but uh weren't you using
her to?
Mallory: (Sigh) That's different.
Steven: How?
Mallory: It worked for her.
(Elyse and Jennifer enter)
Elyse: Thought I heard voices.
Jennifer: How was the party?
Mallory: Jennifer, your brother is a Jerk.
Jennifer: I know that, so how was the party?
Elyse: You didn't get in did you?
Mallory: No.
Elyse: I'm sorry honey.
Jennifer: Forget them Mallory, you don't need those stinky P.U.s
anyway.
Mallory: Pi Gnus
Jennifer: Same thing.
Mallory: How could Sherry use me like that and Alex know she
used me and he still stayed there with her.
Elyse: Oh well we haven't heard Alex's side of the story.
Mallory: Well what could he say? I'm sorry Sherry ruined your
life but I think she's cute?
Steven: Yeah he could say that, I could definitely picture
Alex saying that.
(Skippy appears at window)
Skippy: I never got my slow dance.
Mallory: The party's over Skippy.
Steven: Aren't you afraid you're spoiling him?
Mallory: It's just Skippy.
Elyse: You know Mallory for someone who was treated rudely
tonight you haven't learned any lessons from it.
Mallory: What d'you mean?
Steven: It's a little difficult for us to have any sympathy
for the way Sherry treated you with Skippy out there
in the shrubbery.
(Alex enters and Skippy runs in behind as door
is opened)
Elyse: Alex.
Skippy: Thought I saw a light on.
Mallory: Alex you have a lot of nerve coming back home.
Alex: Mallory just hear me out.
Jennifer: Yeah I bet Alex told that Sherry off, he probably just
didn't want to just walk out on her, you were just
being polite right Alex? (No response) Right Alex? (No
response) (Grabbing him) Talk to me Alex!
Alex: Can I speak to Mallory alone please?
Elyse: Well you guys do have some things to work out (To
Jennifer) let's go on up to bed. (Steven, Elyse and
Jennifer leave)
Alex: Skippy why don't you go into the kitchen and make
yourself a few dozen sandwiches?
Skippy: Okay but don't go to bed without telling me.
(Skippy leaves)
Mallory: Hope you're proud of yourself Alex you know what kind
of brother are you?
Alex: Wait a minute Mallory let's go back a few steps here
you're the one who started this whole thing, you
wanted me to go out with Sherry you wanted me to like
her.
Mallory: Yeah but you were supposed to stop liking her once I
didn't get into Pi Gnu.
Alex: I'm sorry I should have read my rule book of trickery
and manipulation at teenage dating.
Mallory: Ah, no don't play martyr with me Alex, you used me to
get out of your bet with Skippy.
Alex: I used you?! You used me first to go out with Sherry
to get you into Pi Gnu.
Mallory: That's only because Sherry was using me to get to you.
Alex: Exactly, Sherry used me, you used me I'm the only one
who got used twice. And I wasn't even trying to get
into anything well. You know what I mean.
Mallory: Listen to us were arguing over which one of us was
more sleazy.
Alex: I think you won (sigh) let's face it this has been
quite an unsavory chapter in our young lives.
Mallory: I guess.
Alex: You know when you think of it the only one of us who
is pure of motive and noble of heart is that young man
in there. (Pointing to kitchen)
(Plate heard smashing)
Skippy: I'm sorry I'I'll clean that up.
Mallory: I don't know Alex it's like I had temporary insanity
or something. I wanted to get into that sorority so
bad that nothing else mattered.
Alex: Everybody goes through a moment or two like that in
their lives Mallory.
Mallory: Where was my pride, my self-respect? They didn't want
me, why did I want them?
Alex: They do have great sweaters.
Mallory: I'm sorry Alex I really owe you an apology.
Alex: Well it's possible that my behavior's not exactly
been above reproach I owe you an apology too. You
know if it makes you feel any better I told Sherry
that if you weren't good enough for her she wasn't
good enough for me. I'm not gonna be seeing her any
more. (Car horn is heard twice) That's for me.
Mallory: But you just said-
Alex: Yeah well uh that's not Sherry that's Lisa, she's a
sergeant at arms, she's not like those other girls,
you'd really like her.
Mallory: I bet.
Alex: Why don't you go on up go to bed?
Mallory: I will, I have something to take care of first though.
Alex: What?
Mallory: I owe somebody something. (Puts on slow music)
(Alex leaves)
(Shouting into kitchen)
Mallory: Can you come in here please.
(Skippy enters)
(Skippy sees Mallory and puts his sandwich in
his pocket)
Mallory: Irwin, they're playing our song.
(They dance)

END CREDITS

(THANKS TO www.familyties-tv.com and Darryn Campbell and Daniel Hofverberg)

[~*Emma*~]

We now have The Pilot and Sherry Baby. This is goin well!

[~*Emma*~]

SCENE 1


[KITCHEN -- Elyse is at the desk; Steven, Alex, Mallory, and Jennifer
are at the table]

JENNIFER: We beat Woodsburrough Elementary in field hockey today.
STEVEN: That's terrific, Jennifer, how did you do?
ALEX: Hey, dad, have you been following what's been happening
in the stock market lately? They say that a thousand
is going to be the base for the future. Can you
picture it? A-a market with a Dow base of a thousand?
STEVEN: I grow light-headed at the very thought.
ALEX: Look, dad, I've been making a killing on paper
everyday. I mean, I-I have a knack for picking what's
going to go up and when to get out with a good profit.
STEVEN: Alex, charting those stocks is just a school project.
JENNIFER: They're thinking of firing the coach now.
ALEX: I know it's just a school project, that's what's
killing me. Mr. Matthews, down at the brokerage house,
he keeps recommending my tips to his clients.
MALLORY: Can we talk about something else here? Alex has
monopolized the conversation all night.
ALEX: Alright, what do you want to talk about, Mallory? You
have some keen insight for us about lipstick?
STEVEN: Alex, your sister has a point. Enough with the stock
market.
ALEX: Dad, you're missing a golden opportunity here. It's
like taking candy from a baby.
JENNIFER: Brings back memories.
STEVEN: Elyse, are you finished?
ELYSE: I'm, I'm sorry, sweetheart. This project isn't working
and it's making me crazy. I think I have the first
recorded case of architect's block.
MALLORY: What's the problem, mom?
ELYSE: Well, I'm-I'm designing a chapel for the university,
and the problem is that people from many different
religions are going to use it.
MALLORY: Why is that a problem?
ELYSE: Well, I'm-I'm not sure how to allot the space. I mean,
if-if I have four separate alter areas then-then half
the time only a fourth of the people will be facing the
minister of their choice.
STEVEN: What about revolving pews?
ELYSE: I'll work on it some more.



ALEX: I've been following this one stock here: Sucundo 10.
STEVEN: Uh huh.
ALEX: It's going to triple at least, but we have to get in
on it now. I told the broker we'd call him at home.
STEVEN: No way, Alex, you gotta understand that the stock
market is a-a very complex, unpredictable thing. My
own experience with it has been rather, uh..
ELYSE: We lost a bundle.
ALEX: It'll be different this time, all you have to do is
reopen the account, I'll handle it from there.
STEVEN: All the account consists of are the fifty shares of
AT&T my father gave us for a wedding present.
ELYSE: And we're not going to risk that.
ALEX: The phone company. Where is the challenge? Mallory
alone keeps the phone company in business.
STEVEN: Alex, Alex, no.



ALEX: Mom, it's now or never. Sucundo 10 is going to be the
next McDonalds.
ELYSE: I'm with your dad on this. I'm sorry if you think
we're being unreasonable.


[Alex takes dishes to the sink when he passes the phone. He picks up
the phone and dials the number]


ALEX: Hi, I'd like to speak to Mr. Matthews please. Hi, Mr.
Matthews? This is Steven Keaton.

[Jennifer looks surprised, but Alex does not see her yet]

ALEX: Yes, Alex Keaton's father. Yeah, I'd like to reopen my
account and purchase one hundred shares of Sucundo 10
at the opening bell.
JENNIFER: (in horror) Uh.
ALEX: [seeing Jennifer] Um, pardon me for a moment. [muffles
the phone]
JENNIFER: Alex, you're not dad! That's plagiarism!
ALEX: Just be quiet for a minute, Jennifer, I can explain all
this.
JENNIFER: I don't think I could be quiet, Alex.
ALEX: Chew on this then.

[Alex puts a dishtowel in Jennifer's mouth]

ALEX: [on phone] Uh, sorry to keep you waiting, sir. Just
some, uh, prowlers at the back door.
JENNIFER: [muffled by towel] Uh.
ALEX: Yeah, that's right. Reopen my account and purchase one
hundred shares of Sucundo 10.
JENNIFER: [muffled] Uh.
ALEX: Just use that AT&T stock as collateral. Alright, thank
you. Good night. [hangs up phone] Jennifer, this isn't
as bad as it seems.
JENNIFER: I'll be the judge of that.
ALEX: What you just witnessed was done for mom and dad's own
good. I mean, their anniversary is coming up. Don't
you think they'll surprised when I give them a nice,
big, sentimental check? I mean, everybody's going to
come out of this a winner.
JENNIFER: I know I will.


SCENE 2

[KITCHEN -- Alex is on the phone]


ALEX: Turn over those five hundred shares of Overdine we
bought. Right, and all of the genetic stock. Put
everything we have into VIP. Well, thank you.
Actually it was the wife's idea.

[Elyse is suddenly interested in the phone call. Alex sees that Elyse
is in the room]

ALEX: Uh, that will be it for today. Bye. [hangs up phone]
Huh, I suppose you're wondering what that phone call
was all about.
ELYSE: Not at all. How's the little woman?
ALEX: Um, mom, I was just working on my school project. See
I was pretending to buy and sell some stocks,
pretending to be grown up with a family and a dog to
lend some authenticity to the project, that's all.
...Humor me.
ELYSE: I've been doing that for seventeen years, Alex.
ALEX: Did you have a nice run?
ELYSE: Oh, it was okay. Thought I'd clear my mind but I still
haven't come up with any ideas for the chapel.
ALEX: Oh, well, don't let it get to you.
ELYSE: Well, it's hard not to. I mean, I know I'm a good
architect, but suddenly I cannot come up with a simple
solution to an easy problem. It shakes my confidence,
makes me feel like I don't know what I'm doing. You
ever felt like that?
ALEX: ...No.



JENNIFER: [out of breath] Mom, we're really gonna have to talk
about this exercise kick you've been on lately. It's
killing me.
ELYSE: It's good for you.



ELYSE: Mallory, you're back already. You made good time.
MALLORY: Yeah, I sort of took a short cut.
ELYSE: You mean you didn't go all the way around the park?
JENNIFER: She didn't go all the way around the house.



STEVEN: Hey everybody. Oh, how's the market doing, Alex?
ALEX: Well, I started with, ah, a hundred shares of Sucundo
10, I *** five hundred dollars into three thousand
dollars. And I opened a margin account and I made
twenty percent return in three days. Then I bought
options on a South American oil well, made more than
triple value in three weeks, and put everything I have,
ten thousand, eight hundred dollars, into VIP. I'm
heavily margined but it's double the chance for profit.
STEVEN: That's very nice. I forgot what I asked you.
ELYSE: What is VIP?
ALEX: Video Industries of the Philippines.
MALLORY: Maybe you should go there and check your investments.
STEVEN: That's great, Alex. I have to say I admire your
spirit. It's great to see you're so excited about a
school project.
JENNIFER: I'm exciting about his project too.
STEVEN: Well, I've got an early meeting down at the station,
I'll grab a bite there.
ELYSE: ***, honey.

[They kiss]

MALLORY: Oh, boy, here they go.
ELYSE: I'm sorry, Mallory, we'll say goodbye at the car.
STEVEN: I'm in no hurry.
ELYSE: You guys make breakfast?



MALLORY: Now that my workout's over I think I'll go change. ...I
hope I don't stiffen up.



JENNIFER: Sounds like we're doing okay, partner.
ALEX: Jennifer, I've turned five hundred dollars into ten
thousand dollars, I can't believe how hot I am.
JENNIFER: How much is my cut so far?
ALEX: A thousand dollars for your college fund and fifty
dollars for a new bike.
JENNIFER: Not bad just for keeping quiet.
ALEX: And mom and dad will see things differently when I give
them that check for their anniversary. I'm gonna take
them down to the brokerage house tomorrow and surprise
them.
JENNIFER: Alex, mom and dad can't be bought off, they're not like
you and me.
ALEX: We're talking about thousands of dollars here,
Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Of course, a little cash always puts a new perspective
on life.


SCENE 3

[BROKERAGE HOUSE -- the room is very crowded]


ALEX: Hi, how are you? Hi Mr. Matthews.
MATTHEWS: Oh, hi Alex. I'll be with you in just a second. I'm
having some trouble with the computer here. It keeps
jamming. The circuits must be down.
ALEX: Oh, have you tried this?

[Alex types a few keys and the computer screen clears up]

ALEX: See sometimes you have to clear it during this phase or
it's a real pain.
MATTHEWS: I knew that.

[Alex watches the stocks on the screen]

ALEX: Hey, look at this. Transallow up a point. Patramco
up two and a half, that's terrific.
MATTHEWS: Yeah, it's terrific.

[Matthews pushes Alex away from the screen]

MATTHEWS: Hey, you're as hot as a crystal, Alex. You got the
Midas touch, buddy boy.
ALEX: Well, I'm glad I talked my dad into investing.
MATTHEWS: Oh, and that setback with VIP, while regrettable it's
certainly understandable. Excuse me.

[Matthews walks away and Alex smiles, then grows very worried]

ALEX: What setback with VIP?

[He chases after Matthews]

ALEX: Um, Mr. Matthews, wha-wha-what was that you just said
about VIP?
MATTHEWS: Well, there was a typhoon in Manilla last night,
millions in damages, the stock dropped twenty-eight
points. Excuse me Alex.

[Matthews walks away and Alex follows]

ALEX: Uh, are you sure?
MATTHEWS: About what?
ALEX: About the typhoon! The stocks! Are you sure?
MATTHEWS: Of course I'm sure, I'm surprised you didn't know about
it.
ALEX: What am I, a weatherman? I was in school all day, I'm
a kid!
MATTHEWS: That's right, I forget sometimes. Alex, take it easy.
So it's dropped twenty-eight points.
ALEX: He bought it at twenty-nine.
MATTHEWS: All he has to do is meet the margin call at closing
tomorrow.
ALEX: H-H-H-H-How-how much is the margin call?
MATTHEWS: Twenty-seven hundred dollars, that's no big deal.
ALEX: [Alex's "panicked mule sound"] Huuuh.



MATTHEWS: Excuse me Alex, I have some customers to take care of.

[Alex jumps over a desk and slams the door on Steven and Elyse]

MATTHEWS: That's not good for business, Alex.
ALEX: Look, Mr. Matthews, those, ah, people out there are my
parents. My dad doesn't know about the typhoon or the
margin call.
MATTHEWS: Look, Alex, the way your dad plays the market, he
understands that a twenty- seven hundred dollar margin
call isn't the end of the world.
ALEX: Yeah, well, ah, let me just tell them in my own way,
okay? You don't understand, he takes these things very
hard. When he was a boy, a typhoon wiped out his
village.
MATTHEWS: Okay, Alex, if he's gonna take the news anywhere close
to the way you're taking it, maybe you're right.

[Matthews walks away and Alex opens the door.]


ALEX: You found it. Come on in.
STEVEN: Alex, what's going on here?
ALEX: Ah, here? This is a brokerage house, they buy, they
sell.
ELYSE: Alex, you just slammed the door on us.
ALEX: Yeah, well, I-I-I didn't want you to come in until
everything was just right. [turns to a lady at a desk]
Clean up that desk, will you?
STEVEN: Why-why did you want us to come down here? What was
all this talk about an anniversary present?
ALEX: Yeah, well, I just thought this would be the best place
to give it to you.

[He grabs a Rolodex off the desk and hands it to them]

ALEX: Happy anniversary, mom, dad. I love you.






SCENE 4

[KITCHEN]


ALEX: I don't know why you're making such a big deal about
this.
ELYSE: Alex, this was not a ordinary afternoon.
STEVEN: You tell us to meet you at a brokerage house to give us
an anniversary present. When we get there you slam the
door in our faces, give us some guy's Rolodex, and send
us on our way. I admit, we're not the busiest people
in the world, but, um, there are better ways to spend
a day.
ALEX: Yeah, well, ah, I'm sorry to have gotten you down there
under false pretenses, but, ah, I've been trying to,
ah, get you to invest for a couple of weeks now, and,
ah, I figured that once you got down there, you know,
the excitement of the place, the, the roll of the
tickertape, the smell of the crowd, you'd catch the
fever. I mean, obviously it didn't work, I didn't want
it to be a total loss, so I gave you the Rolodex.
ELYSE: We don't want to hear anything else about investing,
okay? We're not interested.
STEVEN: And that's final.
ALEX: Well, ah, you can't blame me for trying.



ALEX: [in horror] Ohh!



JENNIFER: Hey, Alex, how did mom and dad like their present?
ALEX: There was no present, Jennifer. There was a typhoon in
Manilla. Millions in damages, the stock went way down.
If I don't come up with twenty-seven hundred dollars by
tomorrow, they're gonna sell mom and dad's stock.
JENNIFER: Wow.
ALEX: So much for my life.
JENNIFER: So much for my bike.
ALEX: Jennifer, I need help. I'm desperate. And please,
don't say "I told you so."
JENNIFER: I won't. I knew it! I knew it!


[Alex picks up the phone and dials, getting the number off a paper on
the wall]

ALEX: Hi, Red Cross? Yeah, um, what would I get if I donated
a pint of blood? No, in addition to the lollipop. Oh.
How about a gallon?

[Hangs up phone]


JENNIFER: Alex, I can let you have eighteen dollars and eleven
cents.
ALEX: Thanks Jennifer. Now all I need is another twenty-six
hundred dollars.
JENNIFER: You think dad would be suspicious if I asked for a
twenty-six hundred dollar advance on my allowance?
ALEX: Jennifer, let's try to be discrete about this. We're
trying to keep this from mom and dad., remember?
JENNIFER: Right.
ALEX: I mean, this is just between you and me, right?
JENNIFER: Right.



MALLORY: So, Alex, what are you gonna do? Sell your soul to the
devil or your body to someone who's nearsighted?
ALEX: Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Sometimes when you keep a secret all to yourself you
get a real bad headache.
ALEX: I'm the one whose got the headache.
MALLORY: Look, Alex, as painful as it may seem, I think the only
thing to do here is tell the truth.
ALEX: To mom and dad?
MALLORY: What, are you crazy? I meant to the broker. Maybe the
two of you could work something out.


SCENE 5

[BROKERAGE HOUSE]


JENNIFER: I still don't see why I have to be here, Alex.
ALEX: For sympathy, Jennifer. It's hard to say no to someone
when they're holding hand with their ten-year-old
sister.
JENNIFER: Want me to limp?
ALEX: No, ah, just look cute and, ah, be bubbly. Hi Mr.
Matthews!
MATTHEWS: Hey, Alex, how are ya'?
ALEX: Fine, ah, Mr. Matthews, this is my little sister
Jennifer. Isn't she sweet?
MATTHEWS: Yeah, I guess so. I'm not really good with little
kids.
JENNIFER: Nice call, Alex.
ALEX: Ah, Mr. Matthews, let's say, just for fun, that, ah, my
dad ran a little short of cash.
MATTHEWS: [laughs]
ALEX: Let's even go so far as to say that, ah, that he can't
come up with the money to cover the stock.
MATTHEWS: [laughs harder]
ALEX: Now, you know me, we have a relationship, right?
MATTHEWS: Very good relationship.
ALEX: Since we have such a good relationship, and you know my
dad and I wouldn't let you get stuck, I mean, we, ah,
ah, we'd come up with that money just as soon as I, as
we could. Now, considering our friendship, and all
that I've done for you...

[Old Woman approaches]

WOMAN: This isn't very good news, is it?
MATTHEWS: [deadpans] No, it's not.
WOMAN: We invested everything we had with you, our life
savings.
MATTHEWS: We knew there would be risks going in, we discussed
that.
WOMAN: But we're retired people, there's no way that we can
earn back what we lost. We'll lose our house, our car.
MATTHEWS: Sorry. ...Say hi to dad.



MATTHEWS: Alex, what was it you wanted?


SCENE 6

[LIVING ROOM -- Elyse, Steven, and Mallory are there]

ELYSE: I did it. I never thought I'd finish this chapel.
STEVEN: You gotta have faith, Elyse.

[they look at plans]

ELYSE: All the different, ah, religions have been satisfied, I
just have that one little blank space down there.
STEVEN: That could be the agnostic's lounge.
MALLORY: Mom, this drawing's so complicated. Why are there
three levels?
ELYSE: Well, conceptually it's similar to the Sitidelle of
David in Jerusalem.
MALLORY: That doesn't help me, mom.
ELYSE: Oh, okay, let me, ah, tell you about this in terms
you'd understand. Ah, have you ever seen Hollywood
Squares? Okay, so now the basic design of the chapel
is going to be multi- layered. Each faith will have
its own room on one of three levels. Much like the
celebrities on Hollywood Squares. Now, ah, down here
where Charley Weaver used to sit we'll have the
Unitarians. And, ah, over here in Jane Murray's spot
the Jews. Right up here in the center: the Catholics.
MALLORY: Where Rose Murray used to sit!
STEVEN: This is wonderful, Elyse. Why do all the rooms have
these connecting doors?
ELYSE: In case anyone wants to convert.



STEVEN: Hey, kids.
ALEX: Ah, listen, I've, ah, got to talk to you guys.
ELYSE: I did it, Alex. I finished the chapel. All my
problems are over.
ALEX: Not so fast, mom.
JENNIFER: Ah, Mal, why don't we go upstairs, no would be a good
time to..
MALLORY: Um, yeah, you don't have to convince me, I'm with you.



STEVEN: Alex, what's wrong?
ALEX: Uh, remember that Philippine video stock I was so high
on? I'm not so high on it anymore. A typhoon wiped
out the company.
STEVEN: Well, it looks like it wiped you out too.
ALEX: Yeah, well, that's true, I had all my money on that
stock.
ELYSE: Well, it can't affect your grade that much, it was such
a little stock. So now you'll get a B+ instead of an
A.
ALEX: [Alex's "panicked mule sound"] Huuuh.
STEVEN: I sense there is more to this story, Elyse.
ALEX: Yeah, well, there is. I, ah, I kinda called the
broker, and I kinda told him that I was...you, and I
kinda bought some stock with my money. I was going
great so I bought some more stock, and some more. And
I was heavily margined, there's a margin call, and if I
don't have twenty- seven hundred dollars by four
o'clock, they're gonna sell your AT&T stock.
STEVEN: [Alex's "panicked mule sound"] Huuuh. Alex, let me get
this straight: you lied to us, you went behind our
backs, you pretended you were me, and you spent money
that wasn't yours.
ALEX: You make it sound so bad.
ELYSE: Alex, I can't even believe you had the nerve to do
this.
ALEX: Well, I guess I just got carried away. You know, the
buying and the selling and the action and the
excitement.
STEVEN: We've heard enough about your thirst for excitement.
You're a high school student, Alex, not a Flying
Walenda.
ALEX: What a jerk I was. There I was, acting like I had all
the answers. Like I was perfect, like I was
infallible. Well, I'm not and I know that now. I
guess that realization is punishment enough, huh?
STEVEN: Not even close.
ALEX: I don't blame you. I'm sorry, I really am.
ELYSE: Steven, what are we gonna do? I mean are we gonna let
them sell the stock or are we gonna come up with the
money to cover it?
ALEX: Well, as someone who knows the market, it's my
opinion..
STEVEN: Alex! We gonna give the broker the money and hold on
to the stock.
ALEX: Just what I was going to suggest.
STEVEN: Elyse, uh, why don't you get a check over the broker,
I'll go down to the bank and cover it with savings.
ALEX: You want me to go with you?
ELYSE: I want you to stay right where you are. And you might
as well get real comfortable because you are not moving
that spot for the next six months.
STEVEN: And this is just the beginning. No movies, no dates.
ALEX: Sounds fair.
STEVEN: And no TV.
ALEX: Not even Wall Street Week?
STEVEN: Especially not Wall Street Week.
ALEX: Come on, dad! I didn't kill a guy.
STEVEN: Alex, I'm out twenty-seven hundred dollars. I am the
major investor in an underwater video company in the
Philippines. The probably have a picture of me in one
of their huts with the caption: "Our Founder." You're
lucky to be getting off this easy.
ALEX: Uh, listen, just in case, I mean if the stock does go
up, we're in this fifty-fifty right?

THE END

(Thanks to www.familyties-tv.com and Paul Lytle and Daniel Hofverberg)

[~*Emma*~]

I'm gonna wait for more replies till I post more because I need it to go onto a second page. I decided one transcript per page is easier so please reply if you think this is a good idea. Up the top of each page I'll post what transcript it is and if you've already read it just go to the next page. Simple!

[~*Emma*~]

Hey does anyone out there now how to change the name of this thread. Its a bit misleading (i sounds like I just want transcripts to read and not to post) and I want it to read "Transcripts, come read and reply" also I was wondering if anyone out there was willing to do a transcript for the second episode: "Not with my sister you Don't" if you have it on tape. PM me if you want to do it or email it to me at techno_chocolate_@hotmail.com I just think it'll be real cool if we could do all the eps (except clip shows) and have them in order, if not I'll just move them into order later when I get more. Thanks

[Family Ties Forever!]

-

[~*Emma*~]

Actually each page has 15 posts But I'm hoping ppl might volunteer scripts or just say what they think of the idea here. However I might organise it from now on like so:
Post 1 - Episode name, number and brief description
Post 2 - Scene 1
Post 3 - Scene 2...

And so on...You get the idea

[~*Emma*~]

I think I'm going to discontinue this thread. It takes way to liong and no one seems to be responding Thanks heaps to Jen 1989 for helping me so much.

[~*Emma*~]

Okay I decided to continue this thread because I really feel its a good idea. Please if we can just make it up to 15 posts, I'll try and make the transcript on the next page take up 14-15 posts. I just need a few more posts. Some offers to do transcribe some more first or second season episodes would be nice too. (Perhaps someone besides Jen1989 too. Its not that I don't want her doing it, its just that I feel like she's doing all the work) please, any replies would be nice.

[~*Emma*~]

I decided to re-do and re-think my original idea of posting all transcripts I could find under one thread. The thread is titled "Transcripts". I was also wondering if anyone had the following transcripts as I think the following episodes are major and their transcripts should be posted:

The Real Thing (pts 1&2)
Heartstrings (Pts 1&2&3)
The Fugitive (Pts 1&2)
Summer of '82
They Can't Take That Away From Me (Pts 1&2)
Say Uncle

Thanks

[Family Ties Forever!]

-

[~*Emma*~]

Jen -
1. Auntie Up
(OMG Jen just 1 more ep! )

Me -
1. Invasion of the Psychologist Snatchers
2. The Wrecker's Ball
3. The Job Not Taken
4. Alex doesn't live here anymore (Pts 1&2)