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RonFingSwanson
Forum Idol
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The Charkony Gang Variety Show
Cast Jack Wilson ( Ron Burgundy ) Chad Doody TF Lucas Joe ( Maroon 5’d) Roby Monica ( The Great Pretender) Zoie ( Zuzzy ) Katie Angela Mackenzie Also Featuring JP Kate Announcer : IT’S THE CHARKONY VARIETY SHOW STARRING Jack Wilson ( Ron Burgundy ) Chad Doody TF Lucas Joe ( Maroon 5’d) Roby Monica ( The Great Pretender) Zoie ( Zuzzy ) Katie Angela Mackenzie Also Featuring JP Kate *audience applauds* *they all come out on stage wearing 70s-ish clothes* Jack : Hello, and welcome! Joe : Hey, where’s Chad? Jack : How would I know? *Chad storms out wearing a Batman outfit* NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BATMAN! TF : Chad, this is a variety show, not Batman Chad : WHAT? YOU MUST PAY! TF : Sorry Roby : The Batman auditions are on another stage *audience laughs* Chad : Grr! *audience laughs* Kate : Hey! Let’s welcome the guests! Chad : Great idea , Kate! Jack : Umm Chad, they arranged for me to do this Chad : What? OK we’ll do it together Jack : Alright, tonight our specials guests are ELTON JOHN LET’S BRING HIM OUT HERE! *Elton walks on stage in a white suit with polka dots on them* Elton : Hello, there Jack : ELTON! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH! Elton : Well, sure, Ill give you all my autograph Im touring now Roby : Touring, eh? Elton : Yep Chad : So will you sing for us today? Elton : Yes, and I have another guest with me Joe : Whos that? Elton : PLEASE WELCOME, BILLY JOEL! *Billy walks on stage in a cool red suit* Billy : Hey guys JP : Hey, Billy, did ya bring your uptown girl? Billy : Yep *he brings out his wife* Billy’s wife : Hey! Jack : Well, I hope you both weren’t in the same car *all laugh, so does audience* Billy : Oh I wouldn’t do that I crashed into the studio next door though Chad : YOU CRASHED INTO WHERE THE WERE FILMING THE WALTONS REUNION? THANK YOU!!!! *all laugh and agree* Jack : So did you see Richard Thomas’s mole? Billy : Yes Jack : How gigantic was it? Billy : As big ad your head All: Whoaaaaaaaaa! Billy : Yeah Chad : Okay, we have some more special guests later, now let’s get on with the show Kate : Yes, it’s now time for some jokes and zingers! *audience applauds* Jack : A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook" *audience laughs* Chad : What did the duck say when it swam into a wall? Audience : What? Chad : Dam! *all laugh* Roby : A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian "bok" so the librarian gives him a book and the chicken leaves. the next day the chicken comes back and says "bok bok" so the librarian gives him two books and the chicken leaves. the next day the chicken comes in again and says "bok bok bok" so the librarian gives him three book and the chicken leaves....only this time the librarian decides to follow the chicken to see where hes going. So the chicken crosses the street into the forest and comes a upon a pond with a frog in the middle. As the chicken tosses the books to the frog one at a time, the frog just sits there and goes "Reddit...reddit....reddit *audience laughs* TF : If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be an elevator *audience laughs* Ah well she’d have her ups and downs…..WHAT? Dang why did they get the good ones? Lucas : One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license. ''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it. *audience laughs* Joe : How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." *audience laughs* Monica : A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" *audience laughs* Zoie : Why did the brownie cross the road? Audience : Why? Zoie : Because it had legs *audience laughs* Katie : When Michael Jackson went to the hospital last week he made sure it was a children’s hospital and that he had the same room as a boy *all laugh* Angela : I heard my favorite show Boy Meets World is getting a spinoff, but Im not sure about it cause its called Boy Meets Michael Jackson *audience laughs* JP : I met a teenage boy one day he invited me to meet his girlfriend…then I got Cher’s autograph Kate : I met a man named Flip, his last name was Dover *audience laughs* Jack : At the recent Superbowl, Paul McCartney appeared, he sang some Beatles songs and live and Let Die , they wouldn’t let him sing “:Why Don’t We Do It on the Road?” *audience laughs* You know , if George Harrison were still alive, they wouldn’t let him sing Here Comes the Sun, because it would remind people of that thing on Janet’s breast last year *audience and rest of the cast laugh LOUDLY and Jack smiles* Mackenzie : I have a new boyfriend, his name is Ben Dover *audience laughs* Roby : Now to sing a song ELTON JOHN! *applause* Elton : Thank you, now here’s one you’ll all remember It's getting late Have you seen my mates Ma, tell me when the boys get here It's seven o'clock And I want to rock Want to get a belly full of beer My old man's drunker Than a barrel full of monkeys And my old lady she don't care My sister looks cute In her braces and boots A handful of grease in her hair Oh, don't give us None of your aggravation We had it with your discipline Oh, Saturday night's Alright for fighting Get a little action in Get about as oiled as a diesel train Gonna set this dance alight Cause Saturday night's the night I like Saturday night's alright Alright, alright Wooo, oooh oooo Well they're packed Pretty tight in here tonight I'm looking for a dolly Who'll see me right I may use a little muscle To get what I need I may sink a little drink and Shout out, she's with me A couple of the Sounds that I really like Are the sounds of a Switchblade and a motorbike I'm a juvenile product Of the working class Whose best friend floats In the bottom of a glass Oh, don't give us None of your aggravation We had it with your discipline Saturday night's alright for fighting Get a little action in Get about as oiled as a diesel train Gonna set this dance alight Cause Saturday night's the night I like Saturday night's alright Alright, alright Wooo, oooh oooo Ohhhh, don't give us None of your aggravation We had it with your discipline Cause Saturday night's Alright for fighting Get a little action in Get about as oiled as a diesel train Gonna set this dance alight Cause Saturday night's the night I like Saturday night's alright, alright, alright Wooo, oooh oooo Saturday, Saturday Saturday, Saturday Saturday, Saturday Saturday, Saturday Saturday night's alright Saturday, Saturday Saturday, Saturday Saturday, Saturday Saturday, Saturday Saturday night's alright..... *audience applauds* Jack : Yeah! Now let’s hear it for Billy Joel Billy : Thanks, here’s one you will know form me , its called “Big Shot” Well, you went uptown Riding in your limousine With your fine Park Avenue clothes You had the Dom Perignon in your hand And the spoon up your nose Oooh, and when you Wake up in the morning With your head on fire And your eyes too bloody to see Go on and cry in your coffee But don't come bitching to me Because you had to be A big shot, didn't you You had to open up your mouth You had to be a big shot, didn't you All your friends were so knocked out You had to have the Last word, last night You know what everything's about You had to have a white hot spotlight You had to be a big shot last night Woah, oh oh oh They were all impressed With your Halston dress And the people that You knew at Elaine's And the story of your latest success Kept em so entertained Aw, but now you Just don't remember All the things you said And you're not sure That you want to know I'll give you one hint, honey You sure did put on a show Yes, yes, you had to be A big shot, didn't you You had to prove it to the crowd You had to be a big shot, didn't you All your friends were so knocked out You had to have the Last word, last night You're so much fun to be around You had to have the Front page, bold type You had to be a big shot last night Oh oh oh oh....... Well, it's no big sin To stick your two cents in If you know when to leave it alone But you went over the line You couldn't see it Was time to go home No, no, no, no, no, no You had to be a big shot, didn't you You had to open up your mouth You had to be a big shot, didn't you All your friends were so knocked out You had to have the Last word, last night So much fun to be around You had to have the White hot spot light You had to be a Big shot last night Oh oh oh oh..... Big shot, big shot Big shot, big shot *audience applauds* Jack : Now, your hosts will do a medley of songs, we’ll start with this one *music : “Get Ready” – The Temptations* Jack : Never met a girl could make me feel the way that you do The rest Youre alright Chad : Whenever Im asked what makes a my dreams real I tell em you do The rest : Youre outta sight All : Well twiddley dee, twiddley dum Look out baby cause here I come Im bringing you a love thats true Get ready, get ready Start makin love to you Get ready, get ready Get ready, cause here I come Get ready, cause here I come *music changes to Afternoon Delight* JP : Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight Gonna grab some afternoon delight My motto's always been When it's right, it's right Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night The rest and JP : When everything's a little clearer in the light of day And we know the night Is always gonna be there any way Elton John : Thinking of you’s workin’ up my appetite Billy Joel : Looking forward to a little afternoon delight Everybody : Rubbin' sticks and stones together Makes the sparks ingite and the thought of lovin’ ' you Is getting so exciting Sky rockets in flight Afternoon delight Afternoon delight *music It’s Still Rock and To Me- Billy Joel* Billy Joel : What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing Can't you tell that your tie's too wide Maybe I should buy some old tab collars Welcome back to the age of jive Elton John : Where have you been hidin' out lately, honey You can't dress trashy 'Til you spend a lot of money Jack : Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound Funny, but it's still rock and roll to me Chad : What's the matter with the car I'm drivin' Can't you tell that it's out of style Roby : Should I get a set of white wall tires Are you gonna cruise a miracle mile Nowadays you can't be too sentimental Lucas : You best bet's a true baby blue Continental TF : Hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk It's still rock and roll to me Joe : Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in the papers 'Cause it's always been the same old scene Monica : There's a new band in town But you can't get the sound Zoie : From a story in a magazine Aimed at your average teen Katie : How about a pair of pink sidewinders And a bright orange pair of pants Angela : Well, you could really be a Beau Brummel baby If you just give it half a chance Mackenzie : Don't waste your money on a new set of speakers You get more mileage from a cheap pair of sneakers JP : Next phase, new wave , dance craze, anyways Kate : It's still rock and roll to me Everybody : EVERYBODY’S TALKIN’ ‘BOUT THE NEW SOUND FUNNY BUT IT’S STILL ROCK AND ROLL TO ME! *medley ends as audience applauds* *we cut to a sketch, it is a classroom filled with kids, some of the cast and extras are the kids* Teacher ( played by Katie) : Hello , class. Today you will have a substitute, , his name is Arnold P. Fudwupper, I want you to be very nice to him, ok? Class : Ok, bye Mrs. Benson! *Arnold P. Fudwupper, played by Jack, enters theroom, he has an assistant, played by Lucas* Arnold : Hey kids, how ya doin’? Class : Hello, Mr. Fudwupper, great Bradley (played by Joe ) : Oh! Mr. Fudwupper! Im Bradley Johnson! Arnold : IM Arnold P. Fudwupper, Im 45 years old, I have lots of jobs, this is my assistant, Joey Mantiano, show’em what ya do! Joey : ( he talks like Joe Peaci) : Hey, hey hey you guys bettah behave, or Ill cal yer parents , that wont be pretty Bradley : Don’t call my parents please! Joey : Then behave *audience laughs* Arnold : Ok, let’s take roll ( he checks off the names of the people that are there ) Arnold : So this is an art class, eh? Class : Yep! Arnold : Draw anything! Girl ( played by Mackenzie ) : Cool, can I draw something BAD? Arnold : Like what? Girl : The principal *class giggles* Arnold : Yeah sure Joey : Where is he? Ill bust a cap in his bad rump! Arnold : Not now, Joey Joey : Ok Arnold : YES! You have a question? Girl ( named Emily , same one as before) : How does this look? *shows the picture* Arnold : Great! Joey, what do ya think? *gives him the pic* Joey : It’s great, let me add on to it *draws a bad two pillows one with a horse’s head on it* There that’s’ bettah! *audience laughs* Arnold : *laughs* I love it *audience laughs* Bradley : Do any of you have girlfriends? Wives? Arnold : Talkin to Joey and I? Bradley : Yes! Arnold : Yeah I have a wife Joey : I got a girlfriend Emily : What does the P stand for in your name, MR. Fudwupper Arnold : Paulie Bradley: Cooooooooool! Arnold : Yeah Joey : Yeah Another girl ( played by Zoie) : Oh my god, like my picture is like so great , totally hot Arnold : Ok, lemme see it *it is a picture of the principal dressed in glittery clothes* Arnold : Hmmmm, *laughs to self* Joey look at this Joey : Hey, look, he’s “gay” Girl : Yep he sure looks happy *audience laughs* “Arnold and Joey laugh” Arnold : I wonde rif he’ll come out of the clos…OFFICE! *all laugh, so does audience* Girl : What do you mean? Arnold : Ask your parents Joey : Yeah Girl : Can I give this to him? Arnold : Ask your teacher when she’s back tomorrow, hold on to it Girl : Ok, SWEET! *Next day, same class* Mrs. Benson : Show me all your pictures she receives them all, notices the principal one where he looks gay and starts laughing* I love this one Girl : Thank you Oh my god! Mrs. Benson : Susan . show this to him Susan : Ok *she goes to his office gives it to him, then the principal is heard on the intercom* Principal : Ok ok, everyone! Im now admitting it, IM GAY! *audience laughs, sketch ends as they applaud* Announcer : Now it’s time for WEEKLY UPDATE With Jack Wilson Jack : Hi, IM Jack Wilson, welcome to Weekly Update, here are tonight’s top stories Rock Welcomes Oscar Time Delay Oscar host Chris Rock has welcomed the introduction of a five-second time delay on ABC's television coverage of the awards ceremony later this month - because he can't guarantee he won't use any swear words. The Head Of State star is well-known for his use of strong language during his appearances as a stand-up comic - but he's not as worried about any potential slip ups as the American broadcasting network Five second delay, Imagine how long the delay would be if Richard Pryor hosted *audience laughs* Prince Charles got married to Camilla Parker Bowles, and no she’s not that pretty *audience laughs* Mark Burnett, producer of The Apprentice is planning to make a musical base d on it Hmm ”music of Tomorrow from Annie starts” Let’s fire someone Tomorrow! I will end their jobs and they’ll feel sorrow You’re fired! You’re fired! *music stops, audience laughs* Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorcese are talking about making a sequel to the ‘70s classic “Taxi Driver.” It will be called, “You Talkin’ to Me, Focker?” *audience laughs* Next week is Oscar week, we may have an Oscar special so check that out Here are my predictions Best Picture - The Aviator Best Actor - Jamie Foxx for Ray Best Actress - Hilary Swank for Million Dollar Baby Best Supporting Actor - Thomas Haden Church for Sideways ( Best Supporting Actress- Cate Blanchett for The Aviator Best Director - Martin Scorsese Best Screenplay - The Incredibles - Brad Bird Best Screenplay – based on material previously produced – Sideways Best Achievement in Cinematography - The Aviator Best Achievement in Editing- Ray Best Achievement in Art Direction – The Aviator Best Achievement in Costume Design – The Aviator Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) - John Williams Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song- Shrek 2 (2004) - David Bryson, Adam Duritz, David Immerglück, Matthew Malley, Dan Vickrey, Charles Gillingham, Jim Bogios ("Accidentally In Love") Best Achievement in Makeup- Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events Best Achievement in Sound - Spider-Man 2 (2004) - Kevin O'Connell, Greg P. Russell, Jeffrey J. Haboush, Joseph Geisinger Best Achievement in Sound Editing - The Incredibles (2004) - Michael Silvers, Randy Thom Best Achievement in Visual Effects - Shrek 2 (2004) - Andrew Adamson Best Foreign Language Film of the Year- Not sure Best Documentary, Features - Super Size Me (2004) - Morgan Spurlock Best Documentary, Short Subjects- Not sure Best Short Film, Animated- Not Sure Best Short Film, Live Action – Not sure Those are my predictions Ok that’s it for Weekly Update, more next week,IM Jack Wilson, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! *audience applauds* Jack : Well, they’ve duetted before , now theyre gonna do it again, please welcome, ELTON JOHN AND BILLY JOEL! Elton : I remember when rock was young Me and Suzie had so much fun Holding hands and skimming stones Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own Billy : But the biggest kick I ever got Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock While the other kids were Rocking Round the Clock We were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock Both : Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking When your feet just can't keep still I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights When Suzie wore her dresses tight And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight La- La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la la Elton : But the years went by And the rock just died Suzie went and left us For some foreign guy Billy : Long nights crying By the record machine Dreaming of my Chevy And my old blue jeans Both : But they'll never kill The thrills we've got Burning up to the Crocodile Rock Learning fast as the weeks went past We really thought the Crocodile Rock would last Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking When your feet just can't keep still I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights When Suzie wore her dresses tight And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight La- La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la la Elton : I remember when rock was young Me and Suzie had so much fun Holding hands and skimming stones Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own Billy : But the biggest kick I ever got Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock While the other kids were Rocking Round the Clock We were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock Both : Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking When your feet just can't keep still I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights When Suzie wore her dresses tight And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight La- La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la la *song ends, audience applauds* Jack : And now a commercial break *fake commercial comes on* Announcer : Coming soon, Fear Factor will have its most shocking episode yet Man : Oh no! I am NOT EATING THESE BUGS! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEase! Joe Rogan : You have to, its for the sake for a lot of money Man : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEEEEEEASSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE Announcer : Actually, it’s a spinoff…………….QUEER FACTOR! Joe Rogan: You, Victor, will now try to how many of those ants you can put into this bucket in 5 minutes Man : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IM AFRAID! Ill get ant guts all over my pretty self! Joe Rogan : DO IT! Announcer : Queer Factor, coming to NBC *audience laughs and applauses, sketch ends* Jack : Ok! That;s just about it, id like to thank the Charkony Gang, thanks to Elton John and Billy Joel *credits roll* Announcere : Stay tuned next week, when our guests will be Adam West and Burt Ward! |
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Id Love to help you Tracy, but I cant have sex with a black guy, Id lose my endorsement deal with NASCAR-Jenna Maroney,30 Rock April 17,2009 9:02 PM : 100,000th post! |
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#2 |
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Forum Superstar
Join Date: Jul 20, 2003
Location: Behind the Couch
Posts: 34,967
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Excellent job, Jack!!
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Merry Christmas! ![]() |
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RonFingSwanson
Forum Idol
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#4 |
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certified wackball#3
Moderator
Forum Icon Join Date: Aug 03, 2003
Location: hiding under the third booth at Arnold's
Posts: 58,217
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you so clazy jackee
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* GeeksToGo * AntiVir * Avast antivirus * Housecall Online * Sysinternals Security Utilities * * ZoneAlarm * Agnitum-firewall * Comodo Firewall * AVG Anti-Rootkit * RootkitRevealer * ParasiteCheck * * Annoyances * FreeCodecs * Mikes-Hosts-File * GRC.com * MSAntispyware * DVD's * TradeList * myspace * |
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Damn straight.
Forum Veteran
Join Date: Mar 16, 2004
Location: A cove where fun never ends!
Posts: 5,966
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This is the haunt of roulette dares Ruse of metacarpi Caveat emptor....to all that enter here |
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#6 | |
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Forum Superstar
Join Date: Jul 20, 2003
Location: Behind the Couch
Posts: 34,967
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RonFingSwanson
Forum Idol
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LOL
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RonFingSwanson
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RonFingSwanson
Forum Idol
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THanks!Fav parts everyone? My personal fav is Arnold P. Fudwupper and Elton and Billy's duet of "Corcodile Rock" |
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certified wackball#3
Moderator
Forum Icon Join Date: Aug 03, 2003
Location: hiding under the third booth at Arnold's
Posts: 58,217
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Billy : Yes Jack : How gigantic was it? Billy : As big ad your head - and - Zoie's brownie joke
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#11 |
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Cool cool cool
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That was great
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"I know the difference between TV and reality, Jeff. TV has structure, it makes sense, there are likable leading men. In real life, we have this. We have you." - Abed Nadir, Community www.sitcomsarestupid.blogspot.com |
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RonFingSwanson
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THanks!
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#13 |
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Member
Occasional Poster
Join Date: Feb 21, 2005
Location: Woody Guthrie's birth state
Posts: 30
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checking...one....two
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#14 | |
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~
Forum Superstar
Join Date: Jul 20, 2003
Location: Behind the Couch
Posts: 34,967
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![]() The Ella Fitzgerald/Darth Vader joke. JP singing "Afternoon Delight." Elton John and Billy Joel singing "Crocodile Rock." The joke about Richard Thomas. Those are definately favorites of mine.
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RonFingSwanson
Forum Idol
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LOLYeah Richard THomas is a human SEasons in the Sun |
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