World Series "Top Ten Lists" courtesy of David Letterman

[Brian]

Top Ten Reasons Canada Keeps Beating Us in the World Series (10/25/93)

10. French baseball chatter very disorienting

9. U.S. players get sleepy standing through two national anthems.

8. Special enzyme in Canadian bacon that turns players into game-winning zombies

7. American teams discouraged by Clinton's new RBI tax

6. All our secret plays are being funneled to them by that weasel Paul Shaffer.

5. Exchange rate makes Canadian runs worth more.

4. Stirring pre-game talks, which always end with "win one for Lorne Greene".

3. They don't bother to use actual Canadians.

2. Let's face it--we're a bunch of "Hosers."

1. Those damn mountie umpires


Top Ten Least Popular Snacks Sold At The World Series (10/25/95)

10. Darryl Strawberry's Crack Jacks

9. Dugout Oysters

8. Brent Musburgers

7. Caramel-coated Bullpen Sweepin's

6. Big League Spew

5. Ted Turner Mustache Crisps

4. Foul McNuggets

3. Steinbrenner's-In-A-Basket

2. Sandy Alomar Malomars

1. Athletic Cup-cakes



Top Ten Ways New Yorkers are Celebrating The Yankees' World Series Victory (10/28/96 and 10/14/98)

10. Loan sharks collecting debts with autographed Bernie Williams baseball bats

9. Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in tobacco juice

8. Statue of Liberty replaced with gigantic lifesize statue of Cecil Fielder

7. All chalk body outlines drawn in catcher's squatting position

6. Sports bars serving beer in cups worn by actual Yankees

5. Mob corpses in East River are now wearing those foam rubber "We're #1!" fingers

4. Mayor Giuliani shaving "Yankees Rule!" into his combover

3. Cast of "CATS" ending every show by scratching themselves

2. Two words: Pinstriped hookers

1. Smokin', drinkin', and fightin'


Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Won't Be Playing in the World Series (10/17/97)

10. Team's idea of a double play -- bourbon with a beer chaser.

9. Home games played in parking lot of local bowling alley.

8. Players refuse to slide for fear of ruining their manicure.

7. Manager is in excellent shape from walking out to the mound after every pitch.

6. Players keep pointing at the bat and saying, "Is that some kinda ball-wackin' stick?"

5. Team uniforms are made from duct tape and bedspreads.

4. When team takes the field, more than a few are carrying folding chairs.

3. On pop fouls, catcher takes off his mask, jersey, socks,and pants.

2. You best hitter's nickname: "The Sultan of Suck."

1. Instead of tobacco, players chew asbestos.


Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Bottom Of A World Series Pile On (10/29/99 and 10/26/00)

10. "Oh my God, we're missing the Bradley-Gore debate!"

9. "Uh guys, it's only the third inning."

8. "Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton, and I want to be your senator."

7. "This reminds me of last night at your sister's house."

6. "I can't move my hands--will somebody scratch me?"

5. "Oh, so that's what Luis Sojo's cleat tastes like."

4. "I'd like to talk to all of you about the benefits of Scientology."

3. "The season's over, so I'll finally have time to treat this mysterious, oozing skin condition."

2. "Mmm, you smell like fresh lilacs."

1. "This is man-tastic!"


Top Ten Cool Things About Having The World Series In New York (10/18/00)

10. We're gonna add a Mike Piazza-style mustache to the Statue of Liberty

9. City ordinance says in Subway Series, the mayor bats cleanup

8. Regardless of who wins, it's just great to sit in the stands and watch sweaty guys hug each other

7. Finally New Yorkers have something to help us get over the loss of "CATS"

6. Just think what this is doing to John Rocker

5. It's more proof that New York City is the greatest city on earth!

4. It's easy to get cheap applause by saying crap like that

3. I won't have that uneasy feeling I get when Don Zimmer's out of town

2. It's so exciting, even people who just moved here and are now running for senate can enjoy it

1. More business for the city's illegal knock-off t-shirt factories


Honorable mentions (not World Series-related but great nonetheless)


Top Ten Things Don Zimmer Said After Being Hit In The Head By a Baseball (10/06/99)

10. "What am I doing at a baseball game? I'm a ballerina"

9. "I like bunnies"

8. "I think Hillary Clinton would make a fine New York senator"

7. "I like bunnies; did I say that already?"

6. "At least it got that damn 'Mambo #5' song out of my head..."

5. "I see dead people!"

4. "That Yogi Berra makes a lot of sense"

3. "Torre, you bum, put in Babe Ruth!"

2. "Someone tell Mariah that Derek Jeter's all mine"

1. "Go Mets!"


Top Ten Messages Left on the Answering Machine of the Cubs Fan Who Tried To Catch the Foul Ball in Game Six (10/17/03)

10. "You owe me $7.50 for the beer I threw at you"

9. "'I'm with Century 21 -- heard you might be moving"

8. "Hey, I just got back in the country -- how was the game?"

7. "'Don't worry, I'm sure we'll get another shot at the World Series in 2098"

6. "This is Pete Rose. You cost me 50 G's, jackass!"

5. "Hey, it's Don Zimmer. Thanks for taking the heat off me"

4. "Hi, this is Mike from Hasbro. I'm calling to verify some information for your Trivial Pursuit question"

3. "Have you heard about Northfield Medical's great prices on cosmetic surgery?"

2. "Hey, it's Bill Buckner. Wanna hang out?"

1. "Rush Limbaugh here. Gimme a buzz if you need something to take the edge off"


Top Ten Secrets To The Boston Red Sox Comeback presented by Curt Schilling

10. Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic.

9. We put flu virus in Jeter's gatorade.

8. Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us.

7. We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less pokey.

6. It's not like we haven't won a big game before--it's just been 86 years.

5. Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots.

4. The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins.

3. We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head.

2. What'd you expect--we have a guy who looks like Jesus!

1. We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool.

[Kay Scarpetta]

Originally posted by Brian
Top Ten Reasons Canada Keeps Beating Us in the World Series (10/25/93)

Top Ten Ways New Yorkers are Celebrating The Yankees' World Series Victory (10/28/96 and 10/14/98)

Top Ten Things Don Zimmer Said After Being Hit In The Head By a Baseball (10/06/99)


Top Ten Messages Left on the Answering Machine of the Cubs Fan Who Tried To Catch the Foul Ball in Game Six (10/17/03)

2. "Hey, it's Bill Buckner. Wanna hang out?"
1. "Rush Limbaugh here. Gimme a buzz if you need something to take the edge off"

Top Ten Secrets To The Boston Red Sox Comeback presented by Curt Schilling

2. What'd you expect--we have a guy who looks like Jesus!

Omg, those groups up there are the funniest ones, especially the numbers there I kept

[Janice]

Those are hilarious.

[catlover79]

Hey, I'd buy Sandy Alomar Malomars.

[MrCleveland]

I'm surprised Letterman didn't have any for the Cleveland Indians.

[catlover79]

Originally Posted by MrCleveland

I'm surprised Letterman didn't have any for the Cleveland Indians.

We need to get back IN the WS, which sadly hasn't happened since 1997.