"'Til Sally Do Us Part" - My DVDS FanFic

[Petrie Malone]

Hi gang!

Did you ever notice how many fanfictions there are on the web? Sitcoms Online even has a whole fourm dedicated to them, so I was very surprised to find out there aren't any TDVDS fan fictions written! I decided to do something about this, so I wrote my own!

It's written in the script format, not a narrative form because I wanted this to be as authentic to the original series as possible. I even kept the scenes and the commercial breaks where TDVDS traditionally put them.

This is my first attempt at writing comedy, so don't expect it to be as brilliant as a Carl Reiner or a Persky & Denoff script, but I still hope you enjoy it! Like any writer, I welcome and appreciate your comments. Compliments are always nice, but your critisms will help me to grow as a writer!

So, sit back, relax, and let's take a trip in time back to the 1960's in New Rochelle with our good friends the Petries!

Kurt



’TIL SALLY DO US PART

by Kurt

ACT ONE
SCENE 1

FADE IN

INT. WRITERS’ ROOM – DAY (1)
TIME: WEDNESDAY, 9:10 A.M.

ROB IS AT DESK, DRINKING COFFEE AND LOOKING OVER THIS WEEK’S SCRPIT. BUDDY AND SALLY ARE LATE AS USUAL. SALLY ENTERS.

SALLY
Good morning, Rob! (She puts her purse in fling cabinet.)

ROB
Hey Sal, you’re ten minutes late!

SALLY
Usually it’s fifteen minutes! Besides, what are you all worried about? Buddy’s not even here yet. (By now she is sitting on couch.)

ROB
(He gets out of desk chair, and sits in other chair.) Yeah, I know, but I need to ask you a favor.

SALLY
If it involves a man, I’ll do it!

ROB
(Very serious.) Sal, I need you to save my marriage.

FADE OUT

COMMERCIAL

FADE IN

SCENE 2

INT. WRITERS’ ROOM – DAY (1)

TIME: IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING.

SALLY
Save your marriage? Rob, what are you talking about? I thought you and Laura were happily married!

ROB
Oh we are, we are! But we won’t be by Friday night!

SALLY
What’s Friday?

ROB
Our anniversary.

SALLY
What’d ya do, forget about it?

ROB
No, but Laura thinks I have.
She’s been dropping cute little hints since Monday.

SALLY
(Sarcastic) How cute.

ROB
She’s also been dropping hints about what she wants for a gift.

SALLY
What’s she want?

ROB
A new dress!

SALLY
You know, I’d really like to get one of those!

ROB
A new dress?

SALLY
Dresses, diamonds, furs, I don’t care! I just want an anniversary present! In fact, I just want an anniversary!

ROB
(Laughs) Sal, you know I’m awful at picking out clothes for Laura! I have bad taste when it comes to women’s clothing.

SALLY
You can never date the ones who have good taste.

ROB
(Laughs)

SALLY
(Almost afraid to ask.) Rob... uh... what do I have to do with all this?

ROB
Well, to get Laura a nice dress I’ll need a woman’s opinion...

SALLY
(Knows what’s coming) And I’m the opinion, right?

ROB
(Nods) Yeah, pretty much. I wanted you to go shopping with me.

SALLY
Alright, I’ll do it. But only ‘cuz I love ya! (She kisses him on the cheek. Rob blushes.)

ROB
Can you go shopping after work today?

SALLY
Not good. I have an appointment to get my hair dyed... uh done!

ROB
How about after dinner then? Say, 7:30? At Macy’s?

SALLY
Sounds like a plan!

ROB
It was supposed to!

CUT TO:

SCENE 3

INT. MACY’S WOMENS’ DEPARTMENT – NIGHT (1)

TIME: A LITTLE AFTER 7:30.

ROB IS LOOKING AT THE DRESSES ON THE RACKS, WHEN SALLY ENTERS.

SALLY
Hey, Rob! Ready to go shopping?

ROB
Ready to give me fashion advice?

SALLY
Yep! But on one condition, after we’re done in the women’s department, can we go to the men’s department?

ROB
What do you need in the men’s department? A new suit?

SALLY
No, I figured I could do some fella-shopping there! (Pause) Hey, Rob, how did you get here with out Laura knowing?

ROB
I just told her you and Buddy and I had to work.

SALLY
And she believed you? I hate to tell you Rob, but you’re rotten liar. Your eyes always give it away.

ROB
That’s why I told her over the phone!

SALLY
Well, let’s check out some dresses. I don’t wanna be out all night.

ROB
Got a date tonight?

SALLY
No, but I gotta pick up Mr. Henderson from his!

ROB
Your cat dates?

SALLY
Sure! He's gotta do something with his nine lives!

THEY LOOK AROUND AT THE DRESSES, SOON ROB TAKES ONE OFF THE RACK. THE DRESS HE PICKS OUT HAS BLACK AND WHITE HORIZONTAL STRIPES.

ROB
How about this one?

SALLY
Oh, that’d be perfect!

ROB
It would?

SALLY
Yeah, if Laura is planning on wearing an evening gown to prison!

ROB TAKES ANOTHER DRESS OFF THE RACK. IT OS COVERED IN AN UGLY FLOWER PRINT.

ROB
What about this one?

SALLY
I can’t decide whether she should wear it or plant it!

SALLY TAKES A DRESS OFF THE RACK. IT IS A SIMPLE, PLAIN, BLACK DRESS.

SALLY
What do you think of this one, Rob?

ROB
It’s too plain.

SALLY
(Frustrated) Oh, Rob!!! This is gonna take all night!

ROB
Well, I guess you can forget fella-shopping!!

CUT TO:

SCENE 4

INT. PETRIE LIVING ROOM – NIGHT (1)
TIME: AROUND 8:45 P.M.

LAURA IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING AN OLD SUSPENSE MOVIE ON TV. SHE IS ENGROSSED IN IT, AND RELATIVELY UNAWARE OF THE REST OF HER SURROUNDINGS.

TV MOVIE
(Man’s voice) Alright Angela, give me your jewelry, and I’ll let you off the hook.

LAURA
(To TV) No, Angela don’t! It’s a trick!

DOORBELL RINGS, LAURA DOESN’T ANSWER.

TV
(Woman’s voice) Fine, take it. Just leave me alone! Here it is! (A gunshot is heard. Then a woman’s scream.) (Man’s voice) Stupid girl.

LAURA
(To TV) I told you it was a trick!

DOORBELL RINGS, LAURA DOESN’T ANSWER

TV
(Man’s voice) Now you, sir, give me the key to the safe. (Another voice) Not so fast! (Lots of gun shots.)

ADMIST THE GUNSHOTS ON TV, WE HEAR THE DOORBELL RING ONE MORE TIME.

LAURA
[I](So involved in the movie, frantically screams)[I] Come in!

BUDDY ENTERS.

LAURA
(Surprised to see him; She thinks he’s working with Rob and Sally.) Buddy!

BUDDY
Laura!

LAURA
Well now that we’re done with introductions, what are you here for?

BUDDY
(Sees movie on TV) I saw that picture. The police shoot the criminal and find out he’s actually a member of the FBI.

LAURA
Well, thanks for telling me the ending, Buddy!

LAURA TURNS OFF TV.

BUDDY
No problem. That’s one of my best qualities!

LAURA
So, what brings you here?

BUDDY
My car. I drove. Pickles’ mother is over, and I figured two world wars were enough, so I left. (Pause) Is Rob here?

LAURA
(Confused) No, I thought he was with you.

BUDDY
With me? I never have people over.

LAURA
Your mother-in-law is over.

BUDDY
She’s not people, she’s a monster! If she were bald I’d hate her as much as Mel!

LAURA
So, you mean Rob isn’t with you? He told me you, and Sally, and him had to work this evening.

BUDDY
If we’re working somebody forgot to tell me about it! And besides, Sally told me she has a date tonight. (Kidding) Hey! Maybe Rob is Sally’s date!

LAURA
(Worried, shocked) You think that he... and Sally are... Oh, Rob!

BUDDY
I was only kidding Laura. (Pause) But if they are, I call dibs on you!

LAURA
(Verge of tears) Oh, Rob! You were always so (Breaks down) faithful!!

BUDDY
(Seeing the damage he’s caused.) I, uh... think I hear Pickles calling! See ya around! Sorry I spoiled your evening, Laura.

LAURA
(Still crying) What would make you think you spoiled it? All you did was ruin the ending of my movie and tell me Rob is having a... a...

BUDDY
Well, I certainly didn’t brighten it up!

BUDDY EXITS

LAURA
(Sits down at the table, as she takes in the horrible news.) Oh, Rob how could you?

SCENE 5

INT. PETRIE KITCHEN – DAY (2)
TIME: AROUND 8:30 A.M., THURSDAY

LAURA IS BEHIND COUNTER MAKING BREAKFAST, WHEN ROB ENTERS THRU LIVING ROOM DOOR.

ROB
Good morning, honey.

LAURA
(Forceful) Hello!

ROB
(He is seated at the table and unaware of Laura’s bad mood.) Isn’t it a nice day out? Birds chirping, sun shining, flowers blooming...

LAURA
(Dryly) Just lovely. (Overly sweet.) How did work go last night, darling?

ROB
Work? Oh, work! Almost forgot about that! Work was just great.

LAURA
(Aside)I’m sure it was!

LAURA WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE AND SLAMS DOWN ROB’S COFFEE AND EGGS. SOME EGGS FLY IN HIS FACE, ROB WIPES THEM OFF WITH HIS NAPKIN.

LAURA
(Almost yelling.) Enjoy your breakfast! (She starts to wash dishes, but only succeeds in banging lots of pots and pans.)

ROB FINALLY REALIZES LAURA IS MAD.

ROB
(Defensive and confused) Honey, what’d I do?

LAURA
How dare you honey me! You know certainly well what you did!

ROB
This isn’t fair! If you’re not gonna tell me, how can we argue?

LAURA
Stop trying to be cute, Rob!

ROB
I’m not trying to be cute!(Thinks) Is this cause I had to work last night?

[b]LAURA[b]
I don’t care to discuss it.

ROB
It IS about last night! You’re mad ‘cause I left you here!

LAURA
I don’t care to discuss it, Robert.

ROB
Goodbye Laura. I’ll see you at the regular time.

LAURA
(Sarcastic) I’ll be waiting on the edge of my seat.

MILLIE ENTERS THRU SIDE DOOR.

MILLIE
Hi, Rob!

ROB
Goodbye!

ROB EXITS THRU SIDE DOOR.

MILLIE
(Doesn’t notice Laura is upset.) Laura, can I borrow your meatball recipe? Jerry’s parents are coming over tonight, and they love Italian food.

LAURA
Sure, Millie. It’s right (breaks down into tears.) over there!

MILLIE
(Takes recipe.) Oh, Laura what’s wrong? There’s something wrong, isn’t there? What’s wrong?

LAURA DOES NOT ANSWER; SHE IS STILL CRYING.

MILLIE
Laura you’re making me nervous! What is it?

LAURA
Alright, I’ll tell you. But you have to promise to keep it a secret!

MILLIE
When haven’t I kept a secret?

LAURA DOES NOT ANSWER, JUST COUNTS ON HER FINGERS.

MILLIE
Okay, so I let it slip a couple times! Now will you tell me?

LAURA
Well, I found out Rob and Sally are having a... (Whispers in Millie’s ear.)

MILLIE
(Calmly) Your Rob? (Laura nods.) And Sally Rogers? (Laura nods.) (Nervous, lots of energy) Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! Rob and Sally! This is awful, Laura! Just awful! Isn’t this awful?

LAURA
It’s worse than awful, Millie it’s horrible! I’m really surprised at Rob. I thought I could trust him. He was always so trustworthy... and loyal!

MILLIE
Well, even loyal Rob has to fold sometime! He spends eight hours a day with Sally, a sexy, attractive blonde! What did you expect Laura?

LAURA
(Sarcastic)Gee, Millie, that makes me feel an awful lot better!

MILLIE
Sorry Laura! I guess I shouldn’t have said that.

LAURA
No, it’s alright. I’m really surprised at Sally. I didn’t think she would stoop this low. I knew Sally was always a husband hunter, but I never thought she actually hunted HUSBANDS!

MILLIE
Laura, you gotta quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something to save your marriage!

LAURA
Like what? Kidnap Sally?

MILLIE
No! You should cook Rob’s favorite dinner, light some candles, put on a pretty dress. You know, make it real romantic!

LAURA
Alright, I’ll do it! I’m not gonna give up Rob with out a fight! (pause) Can I have my meatball recipe back?

MILLIE
Why?

LAURA
Spaghetti and meatballs are Rob’s favorite dinner!

MILLIE
(Gives it back.) Fine! I guess saving a marriage is more important than pleasing in-laws!

END OF ACT ONE

FADE OUT

COMMERCIAL

FADE IN

ACT TWO
SCENE 1

INT – WRITERS’ ROOM – DAY (2)
TIME: A LITTLE AFTER 9:10 A.M.

BUDDY AND SALLY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH DOING THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE IN THE NEWSPAPER. ROB HAS NOT ARRIVED YET.

SALLY
Alright, for 15 Across we need a four-letter word for “useless.”

BUDDY
I wish it was only three letters!

SALLY
Why?

BUDDY
‘Cause then we could put “Mel.”

SALLY
Oh, Buddy!!

BUDDY
You said it was four letters? How about “wife?”

SALLY
Nope, last letter’s a “d.”

ROB ENTERS.

SALLY
Hey, Rob! Can you give me a four letter word for “useless?”

ROB
(Still angry from his fight with Laura.) Try “wife!”

BUDDY
I guessed that already, Rob. It’s gotta end with a “d.”

ROB LOOKS AT PAPER FOR A SECOND.

ROB
(Angry) That’s obvious Buddy! It’s “void.”

BUDDY
Oh sure, easy for him! He learned all that fancy college vocabulary!

SALLY
(Noticing Rob’s angry mood) Hey, uh, Rob? Did you and Laura have a fight?

ROB
(Still angry) How could you tell?

SALLY
A little bird told us.

ROB
Yeah, we fought at breakfast this morning. Laura didn’t really tell me what she was angry about though.

BUDDY
One of those? That’s second on my list of least favorite fights.

SALLY
What’s number one?

BUDDY
Mother-in-law fights.

SALLY
I’d like to fight about mother-in-laws... with a husband!

ROB
Anyway, when I asked if it was about last night, Laura didn’t want to talk about it any more. She even called me Robert!

SALLY
Robert? Laura must be real mad!

BUDDY
(Putting everything together) Uh oh. Rob I got something to tell ya, you’re not gonna like. Last night Pickles’ mother was over and I had to get out of there so I went to your house, and...

ROB
And...

SALLY
And...

BUDDY
And, well, Laura answered the door.

AS BUDDY IS TALKING ROB AND SALLY ARE STARING AT HIM AND CORNER HIM BEHIND THE DESK. ON EACH SENTENCE, BUDDY IS SPEAKING FASTER AND FASTER.

BUDDY
And I asked where you were, Rob, and, uh, Laura said you told her the three of us were working at my house. And then I said that was impossible ‘cause Sally had a date. So Laura thinks you and Sally are... you know. (Pause.) Are you?

ROB
No, of course not!

SALLY
(Angry) Buddy...!!!

BUDDY
Hey! Don’t kill the messenger!

ROB
You’re not the messenger! You’re the marriage-messer-uper!! Sally and I went shopping for an anniversary present for Laura last night! We were out for two hours, but still didn’t get anything.

BUDDY
(Disappointed) Darn...

ROB
You’re disappointed?

BUDDY
Yeah! I was so close!

SALLY
So close?

BUDDY
If Rob ran off with you, I called dibs on Laura!

SALLY
I don’t know about you Rob, but I kind of like that idea!

ROB
Oh, this is great! Just great! Now my wife thinks I’m gonna run off and elope with Sally!

SALLY
(Disappointed) We’re not gonna run away and elope?

ROB
(Shakes head no.) Sorry Sal. (Gets an idea.) I have a better idea! We’re gonna give Laura an anniversary surprise she won’t forget!

SALLY
We?

BUDDY
As in the three of us?

ROB
No, you got me into this mess to begin with! Be grateful you’re still alive! Sally, you go out on our lunch hour and buy one of the dresses you showed me last night. Here’s some money. (Takes out wallet, gives her some money.) When Laura comes to greet me tonight, you’re gonna be with me!

SALLY
Me?

ROB
You!

THEY GO INTO PANTAMIME AS MUSIC PLAYS. AND WE:

CUT TO:

SCENE 2

INT – PETRIE KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM – NIGHT (2)
TIME: AROUND 6:00 P.M.

LAURA IS IN KITCHEN WEARING A BEAUTIFUL, FORMAL DRESS. SHE IS MAKING THE FINAL PREPARATIONS FOR DINNER.

ROB (OFF STAGE)
Honey, I’m home!

LAURA ENTERS FROM KITCHEN INTO LIVING ROOM CARRY A BOWL OF SPHGETTI NOODLES. ROB AND SALLY ARE IN THE DOORWAY. ROB HAS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK.


LAURA
How was your day, dar... (Notices Sally.) Sally??

SALLY
Hi, Laura.

ROB
(Serious) Laura, Sally and I have a surprise for you.

LAURA
(Expecting the worst.) Oh, Rob!

SALLY
Rob and I have put a lot of hard work in to this...

ROB
It was a difficult decision...

LAURA
[i](Sarcastic)[i] I bet.

ROB
So, here’s our surprise! (He gives her the package he was hiding behind his back.)

LAURA
(She opens the gift, and takes out the dress.) This was your surprise?

SALLY
Surprise! Happy anniversary!

ROB
Happy early anniversary, honey! Sally helped me pick it out last night!

LAURA
(Holding back tears) You... and Sally... picked this out... last night... together? For our... anniversary? Oh, Rob, that’s (Breaks down into tears) wonderful!!! (She hugs him) I thought you and Sally were--

ROB
(Cutting her off.) I know, Buddy told us.

SALLY
Yeah, Big Mouth Buddy!

LAURA
I’m sorry I didn’t trust you, darling. Can you forgive me?

ROB
Of course, honey! Happy anniversary!

LAURA
Happy anniversary, darling! (They kiss)

SALLY
(Rob and Laura are still kissing) Well, would you look at the time? I gotta feed my cat!

SALLY EXITS THRU FRONT DOOR. WE CUT BACK TO ROB AND LAURA STILL KISSING AS WE:

FADE OUT

COMMERCIAL

FADE IN
SCENE 3 (TAG SCENE)

INT. PETRIE KITCHEN – DAY (3)
TIME: 8:45 A.M., FRIDAY

ROB IS AT BREAKFAST TABLE DRINKING COFFEE AND READING THE PAPER. LAURA AND MILLIE ARE CHATTING BY THE COUNTER.

LAURA
(To Millie) So, as it turns out, Rob and Sally weren’t doing what we thought they were doing. They were shopping for my anniversary present!

MILLIE
So you didn’t need to save your marriage? You mean that whole romantic dinner went to waste?

ROB
No, we still had the dinner! It’s too bad Laura doesn’t jump to conclusions more often; that was the best meal I’ve had in a long time!

LAURA
Oh Rob!

MILLIE
(Disappointed) Well, that’s great you two made up. I’m really happy for you.

LAURA
You don’t sound it!

MILLIE
Well, I’m not! If Rob had ran off with Sally, I was gonna give you my Jerry!

ALL THREE LAUGH.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

THE END

[Carrie]

That was wonderful! You're a very good writer!

[SawgrassSteve]

DickVanDykeMan,
I've printed your script to read later when I have time. It looks good so far, and I applaud your enthusiasm!

Steve

[BWLuv]

I think that this is well above average and in keeping with the show. In order to relly appreciate the funny lines, you have to imagine the actual actors sayng them in character which is not hard. Only Sally Rogers would be able to get the best laugh out of those husband lines, etc.

[Petrie Malone]

Originally posted by BWLuv
I think that this is well above average and in keeping with the show. In order to relly appreciate the funny lines, you have to imagine the actual actors sayng them in character which is not hard. Only Sally Rogers would be able to get the best laugh out of those husband lines, etc.

You're right BWLuv, these lines aren't funny without imagining the characters acting them out. I forgot to mention that in my first post, so thanks for doing that for me!

Thanks to everyone for their compliments! I'm flattered. I really hoped you enjoyed it and maybe even made you laugh! If you didn't enjoy it, too bad, cuz I'm already planning on writing a few more!!

Kurt

[Sitcom Sally]

Almost as good as viewing a "Lost Episode"! You really have a feel for the characters' personalities. Great job.

[KennedyDean]

I agree that is was very well written and definitely went along with the characters personalities. It could have been an episode! I even laughed a few times because I knew exactly how the characters would say things and their facial expressions. Oh how I love this show!!!

[Petrie Malone]

Thank you everyone for the kind compliments. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I plan to write another DVDS fanfic in time for the holidays.

Kurt

[Nora]

Absolutely wonderful! Please check your i.m.

[SpunkiiMonkii7078]

It's very good! I could really imagine seeing that on TV as if it were a true episode!