Cheers Again, Ep #2

[Chambers]

Cheers Again
Ep. #2

“Bar Tales: Myth and Reality”

Teaser

Fitz enters the bar. Most of the regulars are already in their places.

Sam: Hi, Fitz.
Fitz: Hi, Sam. Hi, everybody.
Carla: Hey, precious, you’re late!
Fitz: Sorry, Ms. Tortelli, but I had to buy books for my classes.
Carla: Wait a minute – you’re a student?
Fitz: Yeah, well, I’m gonna try to finish college once and for all. I’ve been bumming around for the past two years, but now that you guys gave me this job, I think things are gonna start going my way, you know? I promise it won’t interfere with my work schedule.
Carla: I don’t care what you do, as long as you stay out of my way, got it?! [walks away]
Fitz: [to Norm] Is she always so cranky?
Norm: Nah, kid. That was her being nice.
Cliff: So eh Fitz, what classes are you taking?
Fitz: Anthropology, history and a writing class.
Cliff: Anthropology, eh? Well if you ever need any help with that eh subject matter, let me know.
Fitz: Ok, thanks.
Norm: You don't know what you're getting yourself into, kid.
Cliff: For example, studies at John’s Hopkins show that there are three essentially basic characteristics found in both humans and our evolutionary ancestors, the apes. One, there’s the opposable thumb; two, humans and apes share the same blood types…and three, both humans and apes can be eh sent into space.
Norm: [laughs] So can bacteria. Come on, Cliff, you think this kid doesn’t know any better? [looks over at Fitz, who is noting down everything Cliff has said]
Fitz: [mumbles as he writes] …humans…apes…into…space. Wow, thanks, Mr. Clavin.
Norm: [pats Cliff on the back] Looks like you’ve found yourself a pupil.
Cliff: [proudly] Well in a way there, Norm, all you people here at the bar are my students.
Norm: Then Fitz is your only good student.

Opening sequence


ACT ONE
Scene 1

Andy enters without his police uniform. Woody has now joined Sam at the bar and Fitz and Carla are waiting tables in the background.

Woody: Hi, there, Mr. Schroeder.
Andy: Please, Woody. Call me Andy.
Woody: Well, thank you, I will, Mr. Schroeder.
Paul: [sits next to Andy] Hi, Andy.
Andy: Hi, what’s your name again?
Paul: [frowns] Paul. Paul Krapence. I’ve been sitting next to you every night this week.
Andy: Right, right. Paul. I’ll remember now.
Paul: [mumbles] That’s what you said last time.
Sam: What’ll it be, Andy?
Andy: [gloomily] Unfortunately…there’s no reason for me not to have a beer tonight, Sam.
Norm: [indignant] What the hell are you talking about?!
Andy: Didn’t mean to offend, Norm, it's just that I'm not on duty anymore-
Norm: [red in the face, rises in his stool] Well you better start appreciating what you have, pal! There are children in this world who are starving, wars that are destroying entire populations, and there are men who are going to bed every night with no beer!
Cliff: It’s ok, Normie. Settle down. [pats Norm on the back as he sits back down]
Sam: What’s wrong, Andy?
Andy: The ex-con program at the police station fell through. Lost my temporary uniform and position – so did everybody else in the program.
Cliff: Ha! I knew it! I knew that was only a temporary uniform! That scanty thread-count says it all!
Sam: Hang on, Cliff. Why did the program fall through?
Andy: A few of the ex-cons got a little rowdy and released a few of the detainees there. Guess it doesn’t really work having ex-cons working as cops.
Sam: Yeah, no kidding. I mean – too bad, Andy.
Cliff: [gloats] So you’re no longer part of the eh brotherhood, huh, Andy?
Sam: Come on, Cliff, leave the poor guy alone. [turns around and mumbles] Thank God he can’t carry a gun.
Andy: Well, I do wish I still had that uniform. The truth is…I think society would have been a lot more welcoming if I were wearing a uniform.
Carla: That’s never worked for Cliff. Why did you think it would work for you?
Andy: [laughs] I guess I thought I’d get more respect from you guys if I were a real cop...
Norm: If it helps, Andy, I was just as freaked out after you said you were a cop. [shrugs] Maybe even more!
Cliff: [after a pause, he pats his back] Eh, I understand. You only wanted to know what it would be like to have the people of this city look up to you with eternal gratitude, knowing that they know you’d put your own life on the line for the sake of the community. Members of the police force instill a whole lot of respect in people – of course, not as much as postal workers…
Andy: …Right, Cliff.
Woody: So are you out of a job, Andy? Because Sam here could sure use another bartender, isn’t that right, Sam?
Sam: [kicks Woody under the bar and laughs nervously] Haha, you're such a joker, Woody....I’m sure Andy has better options than that. Right, Andy?
Andy: Well, I wouldn’t call it a better option. The station offered to hire me as a janitor. I was one of the good ex-cons, you see. Of course, I’d have to work under constant supervision… [sighs]
Sam: Hey, that’s great! You should be proud! A janitor is a great job! A really wonderful job! You’d be stupid not to take it! Isn’t that right, guys? [Norm and Cliff nod]
Woody: [shaking his head] I don’t know, Sam...I’d think being a bartender is a lot bett- [Sam kicks him again] I mean, yes, Sam.
Sam: Being a janitor is a very respectable profession, Andy! You’d be crazy not to take this chance!
Andy: I guess you guys are right... I should give it a try. [Sam turns and lets out a big sigh of relief] I should get this cop thing out of my head.
Cliff: [sits back down and says to Norm] Sad, isn’t it? I’ve always pitied those who live under the shadow of people like me.
Carla: That’s silly. What’s big enough to live under the shadow of a flea?

Scene 2

Cut to Fitz unloading his tray at the other end of the bar.

Fitz: Can I take my break now, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, sure. [sees him sit down and pull out a pad of paper] Working on something?
Fitz: A stupid story for my writing class. I can’t come up with anything to write about.
Sam: How about stuff that’s happened to you? You know, life experiences. [Fitz gives him a blank stare] Ok, maybe not.
Carla: You’re talkin’ about a generation that spends half their time watching TV or surfing the internet. [sighs gloomily] If only my kids would do that instead of starting fires and reproducing.
Woody: Why don’t you write about the bar, Fitz?
Fitz: Write what about the bar?
Woody: Well listen to all our great stories – look at all the interesting people here.
Carla: Yeah, write about old Maday Malone.
Fitz: Maday who?
Carla: Sammy! Samuel Maday Malone! He was a baseball star! He played for the Red Sox! You know – the Red Sox! Don’t you know anything??
Fitz: Sorry…must have been before I was born.
Sam: [frowns and takes a sip of soda] A lot of people still remember me!
Norm: [from across the bar] Hey, but Sammy’s biggest conquest wasn’t baseball. It’s all the ladies. [he and Cliff giggle]
Carla: Sam’s the original lady’s man. He can get any girl, any where, at any time.
Fitz: Really, Sam?
Sam: [flustered] Well, I wouldn’t call it a conquest…[smug expression] it’s more of an art.
Fitz: Yeah…all right…I could work with this. But you guys have to help me. [he walks over to the guys and starts jotting down ideas]
Cliff: Ok, ok, we should start at the beginning. It’s a little known fact that Boston was first settled by- [everybody moans]
Norm: Shut up, Cliff. Let me handle this. What you need to know is…[their voices fade]

Fade out.

Scene 3

Fade in to a shot of the city and then cut to the bar. It’s a week later. Andy walks in and takes a seat near Norm.

Sam: Andy!
Cliff: [walks up to Andy; says smugly] So, how was your first week on the job? The state appreciates you boys putting your life on the line by…moppin’ our floors! [laughs obnoxiously]
Andy: …I’m doing fine, Cliff.
Norm: Makin’ friends there?
Andy: Actually, I met up with some pals of mine there last night.
Cliff: [surprised] You have friends in the force?
Andy: No, friends from the penitentiary. Poor old Benny and Marty got caught again.
Norm: Caught for what?
Andy: Crippling a postal worker. [flashes Cliff a terrifyingly ambiguous look]
Cliff: Ah, ahem, well [backs away a little]…at least you got a job.
Andy: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I should be practical about these things. My psychiatrist says I should stop entertaining these silly notions of being an actor.
Carla: Nah, don’t listen to her! I loved your last performance!
Andy: You mean that?
Carla: Yeah, that part when you actually tried to kill Desdemona – pure genius. Now that’s entertainment.
Andy: Oh yes…[stares into space] I almost forgot about that little incident…Well, anyway, I keep trying to convince my psychiatrist that I have an actor's soul! But I just can't seem to twist her arm...
Woody: Ow, that sounds painful.
Sam: I’m sure he doesn't mean that literally, Woody.
Norm: …Or does he?
Andy: Oh come on, guys! I would never hurt her. Half the time I’m afraid she’s the one who’s going to end up killing me with her stare. That Dr. Sternin is one tough cookie.
Sam: Dr.Sternin??
Norm: Dr. Lilith Sternin?
Cliff: The Dr. Lilith Sternin?
Andy: You all know her? Oh, that’s right – she’s mentioned something or other about this place. What did she call it again? Ah, yes. “That insipid hell-hole.” No wait - she said Hell would be more interesting.
Sam: Ha. Well, always nice to be remembered.
Norm: Wow, you got stuck with her as a psychiatrist? I’m sorry, pal. That must be rough.
Andy: What are you talking about? She’s done wonders for me! [smiles fondly] She calls me her little humanitarian project…I think it’s a compliment. [gazes into space, as if in a trance]…of course…there is that little issue we're still trying to resolve…
Norm: [reluctantly] …What?
Andy: She does remind me a little too much of…of…Mother…[shudders and steps out of his trance] Well, I’m up for a game of pool. Anybody wanna join me? [begins to walk to the pool room]
Paul: I will! [quickly follows Andy]
Cliff: Pathetic. His last resort is sucking-up to an ex-convict.
Norm: Yeah. Well there’s a good side to it.
Cliff: What?
Norm: If he bugs the hell out of Andy, maybe Andy’ll kill him. [Cliff nods ponderingly]

Scene 4

Cut to entrance. Fitz walks in.

Carla: You’re late again!
Fitz: I’m sorry! I was talking to my writing professor after class.
Sam: Oh yeah, what did he think of your story about ol’ Mayday Malone?
Fitz: She hasn’t graded it yet, but I think she liked it!
Sam: Oh…a she? Well no wonder she liked it. [smiles smugly]
Fitz: She said she’d come by the bar later tonight with my grade.
Sam: Oh? I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted to meet Mayday in person while she was at it. Hey, tell me…is she cute?
Fitz: Yeah, she’s ok-looking for a woman her age.
Sam: …What age?
Fitz: You know, your age. Oh, sorry, Sam. Didn’t mean to offend you or anything. [ties on his apron]
Sam: [mumbles] A little too late for that, kid. [turns around and walks over to Norm and Cliff]
Norm: One for the road, Sammy.
Sam: Going home already?
Norm: Yeah, now that Vera’s got her sister living with us permanently, I’m not allowed to go home too late or I’ll wake up my nephew.
Sam: Oh, that’s too bad, Norm.
Norm: Yeah…of course, I could just go home in the morning….Now that sounds like a good idea. [sits back down]
Sam: [laughs] And I’ll just prepare myself for a night of Sammy magic. [slaps on some cologne]
Norm: Ooooh! Got a date? [Cliff and Norm nudge each other and smile]
Sam: The night is young, boys, the night is young. [enters his office]

Fade out.

ACT TWO
Scene 1

[Fade in to a shot of Boston and then to the interior of the bar where Carla unloads her tray with her back to the entrance.[/i]

Carla: Woody, a scotch on the rocks and an Irish coffee.
Woody: Miss Chambers!
Carla: Woody are you trying to tick me off?? I told you never to-
Woody: No, Carla. I mean it!
Carla: Woody! Do you want me to cut off your tongue?
Cliff: Hey, wait a minute. It is her!
Carla: [turns around and sees Diane Chambers standing at the entrance; she stares blankly into space] That’s funny. I don’t see anybody. [turns to get her tray]
Diane: Hello, everyone. [nervously approaches the bar] Yes, yes, Carla, I’m sorry to surprise you like this. But, I must say, this is a big improvement from our previous encounters.
Carla: [as if in a trance] I better take these drinks to my customers. [starts to walk away]
Diane: Aw, thank you, Carla. I know deep down you’re doing this to be nice.
Carla: [snaps out of her trance upon hearing the word “nice”] Damn it, Diane! You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?! Do you actually feel pleasure in seeing me suffer?
Diane: Not nearly as much as you feel in seeing me suffer.
Carla: Stop being so selfish, Diane. Everybody would end up suffering if they weren't allowed to watch you suffer!
Diane: [rolls eyes and walks past Carla] Woody! How are you?
Woody: Great, Miss Chambers! What brings you here?
Fitz: [walks over] Professor Chambers! You know these guys?
Diane: Oh, hello, Fitzgerald. I have your story with me. [uneasily] Yes, um, I know some of these people...
Norm: Diane’s a professor?
Cliff: She did spend half her life in college, Norm. Guess it was bound to happen.
Woody: Miss Chambers’ the one who used to work here, Fitz!
Fitz: Oh, this is the Diane you all aren’t supposed to talk about? Wow, small word. [it hits him] Oh! Oh holy crap. My story…
Diane: Yes, your story…. [bitterly] On the one hand, I wouldn’t say it was bad, Fitz. But on the other hand…I'd say it was the most reprehensible piece of defamation ever to land in my hands!
Carla: [whines] Really? You didn't get all those Christmas cards I sent you?
Fitz: Oh, Professor Chambers, you can’t blame me for what I wrote…
Diane: Of course I don’t blame you. [walks over to Norm and Cliff] However, I suspect the frequenters of this bar had a little too much fun helping you come up with phrases such as: “…the days when darkness filled the Earth and the devil sprung forth in the form of a walking bleach-bag of a barmaid!”
Norm: [raising his hands innocently] Hey, that one was Carla’s idea!
Diane: And let us not forget about “After hours of non-stop talking, her voice literally eroded her listener’s brain.”
Norm: That one was Cliff – kinda ironic, isn’t it?
Fitz: Professor, if I had known it was you, I wouldn’t have written it! I swear it! I swear on my mother’s grave!
Carla: Your mom’s not dead!
Fitz: Fine, I swear on my mom’s future grave – preferably near-future grave.
Diane: [sighs] Oh, that’s all right. As long as you realize that everything in this story is absolutely untrue!
Fitz: You mean Sam hasn't slept with over 500 women?
Diane: Almost everything is untrue.
Fitz: Whoa...
Diane: The point is, you shouldn't believe everything you hear in a bar! Although, I am perfectly aware that some people in this bar don’t exactly like me.
Carla: And that, ladies and gentlemen, would be the understatement of the millennium.
Fitz: …So what about my grade?
Diane: On top of everything I've said, this story lacks a solid structure. Mainly the-
Carla: You kiddin’ me? Of course it has structure! In the beginning we’re perfectly happy, minding our own business; you come into the picture and ruin our lives; you leave and after a few years of recovery, we’re all happy again!
Diane: Carla, I’m the one with the PhD in literature. You’re the one with the PhD in B.S.
Norm: [shakes his head] Nah...that would be Cliffie. [Cliff frowns and Carla laughs]
Woody: Gee, Mr. Clavin. I didn’t know you had a PhD. I guess I should call you Dr. Clavin, huh? [Carla rolls her eyes and walks off]
Cliff: [shrugs and says discretely to Woody] I wouldn’t hurt if you did, Woody.
Diane: [turns back to Fitz] Well, Fitzgerald, despite a poor choice of topic and a painfully colloquial title – “A Cool Bar Called Cheers” – you have a surprisingly fluid writing style. But I’m afraid I can’t give you a grade any higher than a C.
Fitz: [shocked] A C? Are you kidding me? You’re giving me a C? This is my first C in college!
Diane: I’m sorry, but-
Fitz: [smiles and jumps for joy] This is my first C! Wow! Thanks, Professor Chambers! [walks off] Hey, Woody, look at my grade!
Woody: Wow! You got a C?

Scene 2

Diane: [To Norm and Cliff] Now, dare I ask where the main character of this story is? [reading from the story in a mocking tone] “That tall, dark and handsome chick-magnet whose eyes could penetrate into the depths of any woman’s soul and make her mind spin.”
Norm: [points to Cliff and gives Diane a sharp look] Cliffie again.
Sam: [coming out of his office] Who’s ready for Sammy? [sees Diane] Whoa! Diane? What are you doing here?
Diane: [smiles] Hello, Sam. Oddly enough, I actually came by to see my student, Fitzgerald Fawne.
Sam: Fitz is your…student? You’re what – a teacher?
Diane: [laughs] I see you’re just as perceptive now as you were then.
Sam: [still shocked] Seriously…what are you doing here in Boston? Weren’t you in L.A.?
Diane: [uneasily] Well, yes. But, you know L.A. – it’s a very close-minded sort of place, and the producers there just weren’t ready for my particular avant-garde theater style.
Carla: They were too young.
Diane: Well, I suppose that too-
Carla: No, I mean they were too young to die of boredom, poor things. [Diane gives her a dirty look]
Sam: So let me get this straight. Your plays bombed, so you came back to Boston?
Diane: They didn’t bomb! …They just weren’t so...readily accepted. That often happens with many geniuses in the artistic world. [major eye rolling] Van Gogh, for example, was completely unknown during his lifetime. He lived a life of almost total seclusion!
Carla: Maybe you should follow his example.
Diane: [annoyed]As I was saying, I completed my PhD in American and English literature while I was over there and was recently offered a position at Boston University. So I hopped on a plane a couple of months ago, and here I am!
Sam: And when were you planning to stop by the bar?
Diane: Right…I was planning to do that soon. I just wasn’t prepared to revisit my past before I reorganized my life here, you know?
Carla: Well you could’ve been a little more considerate, Diane! You should have waited until we were ready to revisit our past. [smiles and pushes her as far as the entrance] Come back in about a thousand years.
Sam: Now, now, Carla. [pulls Carla away] Good to see you again, Diane. [shakes her hand]
Carla: Oh puke! Now she’s gonna want to come back!
Diane: [wrinkles her nose] Sam, are you still wearing that same cologne?
Sam: [in a suave voice] Oh, you miss it, huh?
Diane: Hardly. I’m surprised you haven’t suffocated everybody in this bar by now. [laughs and looks around] Nice to see you still have it, Sam.
Sam: [raises an eyebrow] That’s what the girls still say…
Diane: [rolls eyes] The bar, Sam. Nice to see you still have the bar.
Sam: Oh, that too. Yeah, I realized I could never let go of this little baby.
Diane: [looking around nostalgically] Of course...
Sam: I came running back when I realized, "Heck, I meet most of the women I date right in this bar! I can't let go of something like this!" That would just be stupid.
Diane: Oh! I'm glad to see you're now avoiding "stupid"!
Sam: [laughs through his teeth] Can't say I missed your wise-cracks, Diane.
Diane: Oh, you know I'm only joking. Isn’t it wonderful to reunite like this? It gives us a rare opportunity to appreciate just how much we – mostly I – have grown and matured.
Sam: [laughs] Right, Diane. So can we expect to see you here more often? [she looks surprised] Oh, don't get me wrong - I just want to give Carla a fair warning, you know.
Diane: Ha. Of course. I suppose I could return…
Carla: I’m going to go hang myself in the bathroom, if anybody cares. [walks to the bathroom]
Cliff: Go ahead, Carla.
Diane: Ah, then I’ll definitely return! [laughs] It’s enough of an incentive knowing that nobody here wants to kill me. [she sits down at the bar near Norm and Cliff]

The camera then focuses on Andy walking back from the pool room. He looks up and smiles.

Andy: Hi there, Diane!

Cut to the horrified expression on Diane's face. Fade out. We hear her piercing scream as the credits roll.

THE END

[barwars]

Id say it was perfect.... but.
well, yeah, it is.

Diane as Fitz's teacher (although predictable, no offense) is brilliant.

[Chambers]

Yes, I needed the audience to get the picture that she was returning before the people at the bar did so that when she did show up, it wouldn't feel totally disjointed from the first act. And I' think I'll have plenty to work with in the future by having her as his teacher. Diane needs a connection to somebody in that damn bar who isn't Sam. That way, during the episodes where she may not show up at the bar, at least she can be talked about and not be completely forgotten. Something else that won't be surprising: there will be no Sam and Diane romance! At least not for a long time.

[barwars]

Sounds good.
I was always oppossed to Sam and Diane.
I mean, it was hilarious when they were together -- but even funnier when they weren't.

I'm one of the very few people that was happy with how the finale turned out.

Anyways.... I like the new name.

[Chambers]

Originally posted by barwars

I'm one of the very few people that was happy with how the finale turned out.

Same here. I think it wouldn't have been true to the characters had they stayed together. Their parting just made sense. And, yes, the comedy is fantastic when they're apart.

If I ever do get them together in my stories, it will not be a melodrama, and the show will certainly not be tethered to "Sam and Diane."

[Petrie Malone]

I know this is an old thread, but I have to say that I loved your fanfic Chambers! Very clever how you brought Diane back... I didn't think it was too predicitable. I'm looking forward to more Cheers Again!

Kurt

[Moondance]

OMG, I can't believe I never replied to this! *falls to the floor*


I loved your story, Chambers!!!!

[Diane's Disciple]

I too liked how you brought back Diane as Fitz's professor. It struck me though that in most other ways, the bar is pretty much the way it's always been, and fourteen years is a pretty long time for the denizens of Cheers to remain so static. Anyway, I'm not complaining; if things change too much then it wouldn't be the Cheers I know and love.