Three's Too Many (crossover)

[Moondance]

Three’s Too Many

By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster

This is a short “teaser” story about what would happen if Dr. John Becker, Dr. Lilith Sternin, and Karen Walker had to live together.

Scene One

Black screen with white letters, “Getting to know the place.”

INT. APARTMENT – DAY/1

Lilith enters. The apartment resembles the “Three’s Company” set, except it has a Frasier – like atmosphere. The landlords, Niles Crane and Daphne Moon-Crane stand behind Lilith.

Niles: Is everything to your satisfaction?

Lilith: It depends.

Niles: On what?

Lilith: Who was the decorator?

Daphne enters with a heavy suitcase.

Daphne: That’s the last of it. If I may ask, what are you carrying in this bag? [laughs] Are they missiles?

Lilith: If I told you, I would have to kill you.

Daphne backed away, going behind Niles.

Lilith: [CONT’D] Did you hire a professional?

Daphne: I beg your pardon?

Niles: [scoots Daphne in front of him] Here’s the beautiful, talented, professional, right here.

Daphne: Niles, what are you talking about?

Niles: Decorating. What did you think we were talking about?

Before Daphne could answer, Dr. John Becker enters.

Becker: That is the last time I ever ride in a car with Linda! [yells out the door] You shouldn’t be allowed on the road! [sees Lilith] Who the hell are you?

Lilith: Insolence is a virtue you don’t take lightly.

Becker: Why is it that some women think they have to dress up like men to feel empowered?

Niles: This is your roommate – Dr. Lilith Sternin. Lilith, this is Dr. John Becker.

Becker: What are you a doctor of? No, no, let me guess – proctology?

Lilith: As insensitive as your guess was, it then again proved you erroneous. I’m a psychiatrist.

Becker: Figures.

Lilith: Was that comment justifiable, ergo, exploratory?

Becker: It’s just like a psychiatrist to want to analyze everything you say.

Lilith: And your point?

Niles: Daphne and me are going to leave you two alone so you can get more acquainted. Your other roommate, Karen Walker, should arrive here momentarily.

Niles and Daphne leave.

Scene Two

Black screen with white letters, “She’s here!”

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT/1

Becker reads a book, while Lilith feeds her lab rats.

Door opens – it’s Karen Walker.

Karen: [looks around] Good Lord! My closet is bigger than this shoe box.

Becker: Could you keep it down? I’m trying to read.

Karen: [to Becker] Honey, where’d you get that shirt, the discount rack at K-Mart? [laughs] Come on, honey. If you keep wearing stuff like that, then people will start to think that you’re related to Grace Adler.

Becker: Damnit! Will you shut the hell up?

Rosario, Karen’s maid, enters.

Rosario: I’ve got news for you, lady – after tonight, I quit. I go work for Jack.

Karen: Honey, Jack won’t pay you like I do.

Rosario: I don’t care.

Becker: Hell, I’ll pay you to shut up!

Karen: This place smells like an old Versace shoe. Rosario, do something about it.

Rosario: I quit, remember?

Karen: I forbid you to quit! You belong to me!

Rosario and Karen bicker back and forth, but it soon dies down and they hug.

Rosario: I don’t want to leave.

Karen: I don’t either. Now clean up this mess!

Becker: Do either of you women know what “shut up” means? I don’t think you do.

Karen: Watch it Senor Grump! [points to Rosario] See that woman over there? If you make me mad, she’ll bite you.

Lilith: [counting her rats] Sigmund, Whitey 2, Freudian, Ludwig…

Karen: Oh dear Lord, you forgot to mention pasty.

Lilith: I don’t understand.

Karen: I heard whitey, I so figured you were describing your skin color.

Becker: You all are idiots! I’m trying to read my book and I haven’t gotten past the second line.

Karen: It’s not our fault you’re stupid.

Lilith: Obtuse. What you should have said was…

Karen: Whatever, honey.

Becker: SHUT UP!


The End