DVD Critic's Corner - 7/09/04

[TJL]

Much to my disappointment, the movie I am reviewing wasn’t what I expected.

I thought “Paycheck” was going to be a biopic of the late country singer Johnny Paycheck, whose system-bucking ballad “Take This Job And Shove It” made 1977 so much fun for all. Much to my surprise “Paycheck” is a pseudo sci-fi flick starring Academy Award winner Ben Affleck.

Yeah he won an Oscar, remember? Let that hang there for a minute.

So instead of a movie about the “Take This Job And Shove It” guy, I got to see the former Mr. J-Lo run around for two hours, which is no big feat, considering Ben Affleck has the largest head of any actor of his generation.
“Paycheck” is one of those movies set in the “not too distant future.” While there are no robot maids cleaning our homes or flying jet cars whisking us to work on the Moon, you’ll be happy to know the near future has some amazing advances in 3-D computer screens and virtual reality technology. The near future is like the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas; it’s loaded with lots of cool crap we’ll never actually own. And the sunglasses! What cool sunglasses they have in the near future! Boy I can’t wait until our old outdated eyewear is replaced eight months from now by the sleek futuristic designs featured in “Paycheck!” I bet the nose pads won’t pinch either!
In the movie, Affleck is a “reverse engineer,” a guy who takes apart high tech products and builds a competing product for his clients. Bigheaded Ben, who probably couldn’t “reverse engineer” a tuna sandwich without starting a kitchen fire, must have his memory erased after each assignment, a painful process that doesn’t involve all the of the fun things we usually associate with memory loss, like shots of Tequila and a hotel room in Fort Lauderdale.
SpongeBen Squarehead gets an offer he can’t refuse from his pal Jimmy, who runs a bajillion dollar corporation for this really cool top secret job that will take three years to complete, but he will receive some lovely parting gifts; like a delicious memory wipe and a giant wad of cash money waiting when he’s done.
Next thing you know it’s three years later, Ben’s memory has been erased along with his moulah, girlfriend Uma Thurman is a bit miffed that he doesn’t remember they’ve been doing it for three years, and his pal Jimmy wants him dead.
A brief aside here, if anyone has a friend who runs a big corporation, run for your life, because sooner or later he will try to kill you. I don’t care how tight you two were; hanging out in the dorm drinking Coors Cutter and playing Nintendo promising you’ll always “stay real,” with each other, you’re a dead man. Remember that at the next alumni reunion.
Normally any run of the mill reverse engineer in the not too distant near future who just got screwed out of three years and a ton of scratch would just go home and read all his old voicemails, but not our huge noggined hero! Why? Because he sent himself a bunch of clues in an envelope that will help him set things right! A lighter! A coin! A paper clip!
Actually, they’re really crapass clues.
But thanks to some Macgyver inspired thinking and a little help from Uma, who was obviously killing time until Tarrentino finished editing the “Kill Bill” saga, Sir Ben of Bigskull dodges the Feds, the bad guys and any known acting technique to try and clear his name and restore order to the almost futuristic city of Vancouver – I mean Seattle.
Since Hong Kong action maestro John Woo directed this film, be sure to keep an eye out for his now signature “flying dove” shot, which never fails to baffle the bejeezus out of this reviewer. How the dove manages to get into the high security fortress like building just to fly through a gunfight scene between Ben and the bad guys I’ll never know. Maybe the dove works there.
To sum up, Ben loses memory, Ben gets back memory, all CEO’s are homicidal maniacs, flying doves must have level 5-security clearance, and a movie about a self-destructive redneck singer would have been better than watching “Paycheck.”
Oh, and Ben has a huge freaking head.

[david&maddie4ever]

[Janice]

Good one. Now you know normally I would take issue with anyone picking on Boston Native and Red Sox superfan Ben. Yet, as of late, he's landed on my craplist, so I love your hilarious review on the clunker Paycheck starring Bighead 'Man, do I need a hit' Affleck.