The Return Of DVD Critic's Corner

[TJL]

DVD Review - The Last Samurai

Tom Cruise is turning Japanese, I think he’s turning Japanese, I really think so in “The Last Samurai,” and you’re along for the ride my DVD lovin compadre, because you have nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon, do you?
I didn’t think so. Poor bastard.
“The Last Samurai” is what is classified as an “epic,” which is Hollywood speak for a long freakin movie. It’s got everything you’d want in a long freakin movie too. Scenic landscapes, a sweeping musical score, massive use of subtitles, and the occasional smattering of violence to pull you back from the coma you’re about to slip into from all the Merchant-Ivory inspired tedium.
Cruise plays a disgruntled Calvary Officer in post Civil War America who’s having trouble standing upright because he has more whisky in him than a Jack Daniels distillery. I don’t understand the trend in recent Civil War era movies that depict all the soldiers as disillusioned or disgruntled. The Cavalry guys in “F Troop” always seemed to be having a good time. Sure, the cannon would occasionally take out the guard tower, and Ken Berry had the leadership skills of a carrot, but aside from the occasional hat slapping from Larry Storch, there was plenty of fun to be had at Fort Courage.
Since all the other Civil War veterans are busy, sober, or dead, the Japanese government invites the Tomster on an all expenses paid trip to Japan to train their Army to fight like “modern” soldiers, so they in turn can slaughter the remaining Samurai warriors because they still want to wear robes and walk around with big ass swords. Tagging along for the ride, Scottish comedian/actor Billy Connelly plays an old Cavalry buddy of Tom’s, and his scene stealing antics and jovial manner make it more than obvious he’s going to get really really killed sometime in the first act.
After Captain Cruise (who promptly switches from whiskey to Saki after arriving in Japan- hey, when in Rome) gives the Emperor’s guys a fifteen-minute course on how to shoot stuff with a rifle, they march off to battle and get the living crap kicked out of them by a bunch of guys wearing robes and carrying big ass swords. Since Tom’s name is above the title on the movie poster, he’s the only one left standing, which impresses the head Samurai (Japanese actor Ken Wantanabe – who kind of looks like Chow Yun Fat, but with a little less Yun and half the Fat) so he decides to take the plucky American drunken tourist home with him.
Tommy Boy and his Samurai captors spend the excruciatingly long and action free middle section of the movie hanging out in the Samurai’s village, high in the mountains of New Zealand, which was painted to look like Japan just for this movie. The villagers, who have never seen “Days Of Thunder” or “Cocktail” have no idea who this round eyed stranger is, so they give him some chop stick lessons and teach him how to fight like a Samurai; which mostly involves wupping the ass of the Caucasian visitor with sword shaped planks of wood.
Naturally, our hero bonds with his captors. He quits drinking, learns the lingo and takes his boots off when he enters the house. Deciding the Samurai are way cooler than the nerdy Emperor and his bumbling Army, the white Samurai and his new posse go back to discuss a peace treaty with the Emperor, but they get a resounding “no dice” in the form of cannon fire from a new army who probably didn’t get their training from a booze swilling prettyboy Cavalry guy.
The two armies square off for one final battle. I don’t want to give away the ending, but since he is also the Producer of the film, Tom Cruise wins.
“The Last Samurai” contains a bonus disk with a few featurettes; like the one where Tom Cruise talks about Tom Cruise making the movie, another with Director Ed Zwick and Tom Cruise talking about Tom Cruise, and a History Channel documentary which talks about the history of Japan and how it affects Tom Cruise.

If you would like to learn more about Japan, might I suggest one or two films from the “Godzilla” franchise (but stay away from the crappy ones with Godzilla’s son; what a bad idea that was) or do a Google search on the short-lived 1980 variety show “Pink Lady And Jeff.”



For more reviews and other assorted essays, visit my livejournal at the address below.

[dandelion wine]

Haven't seen it but I like your review. The 'turning Japanese' bit...

Wait, let me add Pink Lady and Jeff: Noooooo, stay far away people!

[Janice]

Too funny. I tried watching this snoozefest, but I opted to rip my hair out of my head instead. Yeah, F Troop was much better.

Great review TJL. You never fail to entertain.

[TJL]

Oh c'mon Janice, it wasn't that bad. The first two yours were okay.

[david&maddie4ever]

God, you're too funny. Good work.