"The Feminist Clique" - Cheers, Lost Episode 5

[Chambers]

I hope somebody actually reads this. For my last few fanfics, Feen has been my only audience - thanks, Feen!

Lost Episode #5
“The Feminist Clique”
“Cheers,” Season 4

Characters: Sam Malone; Diane Chambers; Carla Tortelli; Woody Boyd; Norm Peterson; Cliff Clavin and Dr. Frasier Crane
Guests: Dr. Frederick Bentley and Hillary Rhodes

{“Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience”}

OVERTURE

{Open to the interior of the bar.}

Norm: Afternoon everybody!
Everyone: Norm!!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: What can I do for you today?
Norm: Oh, I don’t know...get me a better job, pay for my liposuction, sleep with Vera… Nah – I wouldn’t want to put you through that last one. A beer will do.
Sam: [Laughs and pours him a beer] Sure, Norm.
Woody: [Woody takes Sam’s place at Norm’s end of the bar] Hey, Mr. Peterson. Guess what happened to me today.
Norm: …Do I have to?
Cliff: [Speaking through the side of his mouth to Norm] He already put me through this. Just play along if you want it to be over.
Woody: Come on – you’ll never believe what I found.
Carla: Your brain?
Woody: [Laughs and says confidently] Carla, people can’t lose their brains. But they can lose their minds – like my cousin Gertie did. [Carla shakes her head and walks off with a tray of drinks] So, Mr. Peterson. Guess.
Norm: Umm…[shrugs] I give up, Woody.
Woody: Ok I’ll give you a hint. It was in a magazine article.
Diane: [Smiles] Oh? I didn’t know you read magazines, Woody. What magazine was it?
Woody: One I found in Sam’s office, Ms. Chambers.
Diane: [Her smiles fades] Oh. One of “those.” [She waves her hand dismissively and takes her tray.]
Woody: Well, Mr. Peterson. Can you guess what it is?
Norm: Uh Woody…don’t mean to be rude here, but why don’t we skip this guessing game and you just tell me what you read.
Woody: Hey hey, nobody likes a quitter! [Norm squints and looks around in hope that somebody will save him from this conversation.] Oh ok – I’ll give you one more hint. It was an article that listed all these jokes sent in by the readers, and one of the jokes was mine! So can you guess it yet, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: You mean you found your joke in an article?
Woody: That’s right! See? Guessing isn’t so hard.

{Opening sequence/ credits}

ACT ONE

{Continuation of the previous scene: Woody has a Playboy magazine out and is showing Norm his joke in the article. Some other guys, Sam, as well as Carla are gathering around and laughing.}

Sam: [Chuckles] Hey, Woody, that’s pretty good!
Woody: Thanks, Sam. I heard it right here in the bar.
Carla: Wow, I thought I'd heard every disgusting farm animal joke there was – God knows I’ve dated them all.
Norm: [Laughs] Oh, I’m gonna tell Vera this one!
Cliff: Eh you think she’d like it?
Norm: [With an “isn’t it obvious” tone] No – she’d hate it. That’s why I’m going tell it to her before we go to bed tonight.
Woody: [To Diane, who is standing apart from the group with an air of moral superiority] Hey, Ms. Chambers. Don’t you want to read my joke?
Diane: [Sighs and rests her hand on her hip] Thank you, Woody, but I refuse to waste my time reading any publication that propagates the sophomoric view that women are mere sex objects.
Woody: [Smiles and nods] I think I see your point, Ms. Chambers.
Diane: [Hopeful] So you understand?
Woody: [Pauses and then smiles again] No, but I’d like to think I do.
Diane: [Laughs] Of course, Woody.
Sam: Come on, Diane, read it. You’re gonna hurt Woody’s feelings. [Sam casually puts his arm around Woody.]
Diane: Fine! Let me see it. [She grabs the magazine from Sam’s hands, reads it to herself and rolls her eyes] Please, this is nothing but a vulgar attempt to dehumanize women. [She throws the magazine on the bar and wipes her hands.]
Woody: [Innocently] No, Ms. Chambers – don’t you get it? It’s about a horse and a cow and they-
Diane: I get it, Woody! I’m sorry, but this joke is not as innocent as you probably think it is. It’s offensive, irresponsible and lurid.
Woody: Well, gee...I didn’t mean it to be all those things...at least not the part of what you said that I understood...
Diane: Oh, it’s not your fault, Woody. Our whole culture is to blame.
Sam: Aw come on – you’re taking this too seriously.
Diane: Sam, I don’t want to get anywhere near that article, let alone those atrocious pictures. To think that women in this country would actually concede to be exploited like that.
Cliff: Eh Actually, Diane, these girls are from a variety of different countries. There’s one from Denmark, one from Ireland, two from Venezuela-
Diane: Good God! I don’t want to hear about it, Cliff.
Carla: [To Diane] Hey, I know how you feel.
Diane: Really, Carla?
Carla: Yeah. I hate magazines like that. You know, every time Nick would be flipping through one of those on a Sunday morning before Church, he’d always say: “Hey, why can’t you be more like these girls?”
Diane: Oh, that’s awful, Carla.
Carla: Yeah, what a jerk. Well at least you don’t have to worry about guys making those types of comparisons to you.
Diane: [Suspiciously] Something tells me this isn’t a compliment.
Carla: For you they’d have to look at pictures from “National Geographic: Stick-Insect Edition.”
Diane: Ah-ha…for a minute there I actually thought we had connected on a level higher than that of flies hovering over a pile of rotting pig’s feet!
Cliff: Well eh actually, Diane, it’s a little known fact that a fly’s feeding patterns include a complex set of social interactions that amount to-
Diane: [Crosses her eyes and lets out a shriek] Ahhh! [She stomps away to the bathroom.]
Norman: Ouch! [He covers his ears.]
Cliff: That one has to be one of her shrillest. I’d say at least 130...132 decibels.

{The camera shifts over to the entrance. Frasier walks in, smiling.}

Frasier: Hello, everyone!
Woody: Hi, Dr. Crane. How are you?
Frasier: [Walks over to the bar and sits on a stool] Pretty darn good!
Sam: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Hello, Sam. [Pause] So isn’t anyone going to ask me why I’m so chipper today?
Sam: Oh! Sorry, Frasier – I just assume that life without Diane would be enough of a reason for happiness. [Pops a pretzel in his mouth and smiles smugly.]
Frasier: Hhha-ha! Well, that is true, yes. But this has nothing to do with Diane. Dr. Frederick Bentley, one of the country’s most eminent psychiatrists and current head of the psychology department at Harvard, is having dinner with me at Melville’s tonight! If all goes well, I may actually be joining his private practice!
Sam: Oh that’s great, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks Sam. He should be getting here in a few minutes, so I’ll go ahead and reserve one of these tables. [He begins to move to a table, but sees Diane and greets her with a grinding tone.] Hello, Diane.
Diane: [Nods] Frasier.
Frasier: [He spends a few seconds transfixed, quietly seething while he stares at her serving drinks, tapping his fingers furiously on the bar.]
Sam: Uh…Frasier? Shouldn’t you get that table before somebody else takes it?
Frasier: [Jolts] Oh, oh yes. [Moves towards the table, but then turns quickly to Sam] By the way, Sam, you’re obviously still suffering from an unhealthy fixation with Diane. Pay me a visit sometime so we can sort that out. [Sam shakes his head in amazement.]

{The Camera moves to Norm’s side of the bar.}

Norm: Hey! What does a guy have to do around here to get a beer?
Random customer next to Cliff: Yeah, I’m starting to get sober!
Carla: Hurry up, Sam. We don’t want their real personalities to surface.
Sam: Coming right up, guys. [He pours them another beer.]
Cliff: Hey, Carla. Is eh Diane still in the lady’s room?
Carla: How am I supposed to tell if she's gone? I’m always busting my butt as if I’m the only waitress here anyway.
Sam: Go check up on her, Carla.
Carla: Why me??
Sam: You’re the only one who can go in there. Plus she has to get back to work.
Carla: Oh fine! [Drags her feet over to the bathroom; her voice is heard] Hey, whitey! You still in here? Let me save you some time: that whole story about toilet water being a cheap substitute for hair bleach is just a myth.

{The camera focuses on Frasier drinking scotch. Dr. Bentley walks in.}

Frasier: Dr. Bentley! [Getting up to greet him]
Dr. Bentley: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Please, call me Frasier! What an honor it is to see you. You don’t know how much I appreciate the fact that you, a man of such distinction, allotted the next couple of hours in your full schedule to meet with me.
Dr. Bentley: [Annoyed] Yes…they told me you were overly obsequious.
Frasier: [Laughs nervously] Well, what can I do?
Dr. Bentley: You can try to control yourself.
Frasier: Haha…of course, of course. Well it’s just that a person such as myself cannot help but feel anxious around a man of your superior intellect, of your academic accomplishments, knowing about your invaluable contributions to the field and your-
Dr. Bentley: Frasier!
Frasier: Oh, forgive me. Would you like a drink?
Dr. Bentley: [Nods] That would be nice.


{The camera moves over the Norm’s side of the bar.}

Woody: [Seeing Diane] Hey, Ms. Chambers…Are you feeling better?
Diane: Yes, Woody.
Woody: Good to hear. [He smiles and walks to the other end of the bar.]
Sam: Are you sure, sweetheart? Not getting squirrelly again, are you?
Diane: No! What’s driving me crazy is- [the guys around her start to slowly back away as she yells] Now stop that! I’m not crazy!
Norm: …We believe you, Diane…now just calm down…
Diane: [Takes a deep breath] My only problem is that all of you are incapable of assessing the implications of laughing at a degrading joke like that.
Sam: Aw…you still bothered by that joke? Come on – aren’t you overreacting?
Cliff: Yeah, Diane. We're not all chauvinist pigs who see women as nothing but sex objects.
Carla: [To Cliff] You can’t even get women to be that!
Sam: Come on, we’re just having some fun. Lighten up!
Diane: [Frowns] Why do I even bother? [Begins to walk away]
Sam: Hey wait a minute! It’s an innocent joke! Woody didn’t even know what it really meant.
Diane: [She returns and assumes her lecture-giving posture; the guys groan] Exactly, Sam. It’s an illuminating irony. The fact that a naive young man spreads a joke without comprehending its very essence reveals how deeply these values have penetrated the general conscience.
Sam: Gee I haven’t seen you this passionate about something since…[thinks for a moment] well, since you used to dream about me. Oh who am I kidding – you still dream about me [smiles arrogantly].
Diane: [Rolls her eyes] Oh forget it. Once again, I’ve wasted my time, my energy, my oxygen on all of you! [She walks away and waits on a table.]


ACT TWO

{An hour later, the camera focuses on Norm’s end of the bar. Carla and Diane are in the background waiting on tables.}

Woman at the bar: Excuse me, bartender?
Sam: [Notices her] Whoo! That’s me! [Brushing back his hair] But…I can be anything you want me to be…
Woman: [Stares at him incredulously] Wow, I thought your species already went extinct.
Norm: Uh-oh, Sammy.
Cliff: Come on, big guy.
Sam: [Looks at her, puzzled] …you talking about me?
Woman: You and your pack of grunting troglodytes.
Sam: Huh?
Woman: Actually, I wanted to ask you about that woman over there [points to Diane, who is serving drinks at the other end of the bar].
Sam: [Confused] Oh…[then he smiles] Oh is that what your into? Well I can’t say I haven’t tried that before but-
Woman: Oh gross! Forget I ever said anything.
Diane: [Returning to the bar] Sam, one vodka gimlet. [Notices Sam leaning over the bar and winking at the woman, who is rolling her eyes; she says to the woman] Make sure to dress warmly if you’re going to sit that closely to him – there’s a terrible draft coming from within his head.
Woman: [Laughs] I wonder if he even has a brain.
Diane: Well, we’re still waiting for him to evolve one [they both laugh].

{The Camera moves over to the front part of the bar, where Frasier and Dr. Bentley are coming down the stairs from Melville’s.}

Frasier: Dr. Bentley, I must confess something to you: you tell the most intoxicating jokes!
Dr. Bentley: Oh damnit, Frasier. I’m sick and tired of your flattery. Everybody knows I tell the dullest jokes!
Frasier: Oh no, sir, only people who don’t understand the subtle genius of your humor. I for one love a joke that makes one think instead of laugh. Let me get us a liqueur. [Walks over to the bar.]
Woody: So how was your evening, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Terrible. I can’t make that block of cement smile for his life! The man has no personality, no sense of humor. He fails to exude a single drop of warmth or gaiety!
Woody: Well all you got do is tell him a good joke! Let me help you. Excuse me, sir? [waves to Dr. Bentley] Yeah, come on over for a minute [he walks over to the bar to join Frasier]. You two like jokes? Well I got a great one!
Frasier: Uh…Woody…not now.
Dr. Bentley: Come on, Frasier. I’d like to end this evening by hearing at least one genuine laugh.
Frasier: Oh – Hhha-ha! Good one, Dr. Bentley [Dr. Bentley rolls his eyes and shakes his head]. All right, Woody. Let’s hear it.
Woody: Here it is [he gives them the magazine opened to the page of the article and points to his joke].
Frasier: Oh no, Woody. I hardly think Dr. Bentley will be amused by such a crude joke.
Woody: Oh no…[he makes a face as if about to cry]. That’s what Ms. Chambers thought too. [Whines] Oh I really messed up this time!
Dr. Bentley: [He begins to chuckle lightly; the chuckle evolves into a roaring laughter; Woody’s face brightens, Frasier looks shocked.] Excellent! [Laughs more] Absolutely priceless! Well, young man, thanks for saving the evening. Frasier, we’ll talk more tomorrow!
Frasier: Really? Do you mean it? I’d love that! I’d be honored!
Dr. Bentley: [Shakes Frasier’s hand] I’ll give you a call. Goodbye! [He walks out the door, laughing his way up the stairs outside.]
Frasier: Woody, I love you!
Woody: Oh…well I love you too, Dr. Crane…but just as a friend.
Frasier: What? Oh for heaven’s sake! What I meant was- [Woody smiles goofily] oh what's the use? Give me a drink.

{The camera focuses on Norm’s end of the bar again, where Diane and the woman are still laughing at Sam.}

Norm: [Starts to hyperventilate] Don’t do this to us, Sammy!
Cliff: Look at what you’re doing to Normie! Have you no heart?
Sam: [Standing up straight and frowning; says to Diane and the woman] Yeah, yeah, you two are real cute. [Takes a sip of seltzer water.]
Woman: Forgive us, Mr. Malone. I never intended to bring you into this. I actually wanted to ask you something [turns to Diane].
Diane: Oh?
Hillary: My name’s Hillary Rhodes. I’m the secretary of the Cambridge Feminist Society.
Diane: Oh, yes! I’ve heard of your group. [Extends her hand] I’m Diane Chambers.
Hillary: [Shakes her hand] Hi, Diane. I was very impressed by your defense of women’s rights today.
Diane: Oh, well, that was nothing. But thank you. You know, I think every woman has a duty to–
Sam: [Interrupts Diane and says to Hillary] You mean you’re some kind of feminist?
Hillary: [Sarcastically] He’s sharp!
Sam: Well I’m glad I know now. I wouldn’t want to date one of you anyway. I like my women to shave their legs.
Norm: Way to go, Sammy! [Raises his hand to give Sam a high-five but just misses Sam’s hand.]
Diane: I’m sorry. You’ll have to excuse them [she glares at the guys]. Why don’t we move over here [they sit at the table behind Norm’s stool]. So what did you want to ask me?
Hillary: Well, you probably know that entry into our group is a complicated process - we only allow prospective members to apply through invitation. And I thought you might be interested in applying.
Diane: [Smiles] Me? Really? Well, I’m flattered!
Hillary: Great. I’ll come by tomorrow with the application. In the meantime…how can you stand working here?
Diane: I know, some days I don’t think I can take it. [Sighs and says judgementally] The people at this bar…
Hillary: Yeah, especially that bartender. Who would be stupid enough to fall for one of his lines? Who would be stupid enough to date him?
Diane: [Laughs awkwardly] I have no idea…
Sam: [Overhearing them, says cleverly] Who WOULD be stupid enough to date me… any ideas, DIANE?
Diane: [Tightens her lips and says quickly] Sam, don’t you have drinks to make, women to nauseate?
Hillary: [Shaking her head in disgust] He’s unbelievable…
Sam: [To Hillary] Oh, so now you want me? We’ll it’s too late for that, honey! You'll just have to try to fulfill your burning desires in your dreams.
Cliff and Norm: Whoo! Sammy!
Hillary: You know, we burn effigies of men like you in our meetings.
Sam: [In a mocking seductive tone] I understand. If you can’t have them, burn them [laughs smugly]. Whatever turns you on, sweetheart. [He gives Cliff and Norm high-fives.]
Diane: [Rolls her eyes] Good God. It’s just like him to think that feminists are nothing but man-haters with hairy legs.
Hillary: Well actually…it’s sort of an implicit rule in our society that we refrain from shaving our legs…and armpits. It’s a simple matter of letting women enjoy life as spiritual, intellectual beings, without any superficial cosmetic distractions.
Diane: [Trying to hide her concern] …i-is that right?
Hillary: I hope that won’t be a problem…[looks down at Diane’s legs under the table] Oh…well you are more groomed than our average member…a little more high maintenance…
Carla: You kidding me? This one spends the entire morning hammering her face into shape.
Diane: Carla! [To Hillary] Uh…I know I may seem a little more old-fashioned…but I think what really matter are one’s ideals, one’s principles.
Hillary: Well…I don’t see why this would interfere in your application process.
Diane: Oh, thank you. You won’t be disappointed, trust me. One of my majors was women’s studies, so naturally I’m very well versed in every theory out there from Wollstonecraft to de Beauvoir to-
Sam: [Interrupting them once more, obviously still bothered by the rejection] You know what? I wouldn’t want you even if you did shave!
Diane: Sam! Go drool over something else!
Sam: You know something, Diane? If you join this little club, I don’t want any of those women here at the bar. One of you blabbing on about stuff nobody cares about is enough.
Diane: I’m sure none of them would want to step foot in a bar owned by a thick-skulled dumbbell!
Sam: [Waving his finger at her] Why don’t you tell your little friend over there that you were in love with a dumbbell, huh? [Diane’s eyes widen fretfully.]
Hillary: What is he talking about, Diane?
Diane: Nothing – he doesn’t know what he’s talking about [glares at Sam].
Sam: Yeah, this little Philly and I dated. She was crazy about me for years! In fact, she still is.
Diane: [Angrily] I did not – I am not!
Sam: Guys?
Norm: Well…you can’t deny that you and Sam had your share of disgustingly cheesy moments.
Cliff: Can’t deny that, Diane.
Diane: Well...there’s a perfectly logical explanation for that: I was insane!
Carla: Was, is, will always be.
Diane: [Apologetically to Hillary] Please, it was a moment of weakness. You know, people make mistakes! [laughs nervously]Oh...come on... the-the saving grace of mankind is the gift of hindsight!
Hillary: [She gasps] MANkind? …You were actually in a relationship with this “thing”?
Sam: [Proudly] You betcha!
Diane: [Wringing her hands nervously] Uhhh...well haven’t you ever fallen for somebody who sickens you in every way imaginable?
Hillary: No…I usually get out the bug spray when I come across something like that.
Diane: [Releases a desperate and nervous laugh] Well, at least we can laugh about it. Now why don’t we set up a time for you to bring over the application tomorrow?
Hillary: [Uneasily] Um, Diane…you know how these things are…it takes a while for us to process the paper work…Why don’t we refrain from making any commitments at this early stage, ok?
Diane: [Puckering her brow]…wait a minute. Are you really going to let an insignificant little detail prevent my entry into the group?
Hillary: Look. Let me be frank. I’ve seen women like you before – you can’t handle being a real feminist. Your type lets out a lot of hot air, but when the time comes to act, you’re more worried about putting on your lipstick in the morning than anything else! And when a big lug [points to Sam] comes around to sweep you off your feet with a cheap line, you give in just like that [snaps her fingers]. I’m afraid we like women with a little more discipline.
Diane: [Her jaw drops] That's not true! I'm not like that!
Hillary: Please, Diane. I know what I'm talking about.
Diane: The nerve! Well…then…I don’t want to be part of any club that wouldn’t have me as a member! HA!
Hillary: Well…this was interesting. Goodbye, Diane. [She walks away.]
Diane: [Trudges over to the bar.] Thank you, Sam, for ruining everything.
Sam: Hey, you wouldn’t fit in that group anyway.
Norm: Yeah, Diane. You don’t need them.
Cliff: They’re just a bunch of sad, lonely women who can't get dates even if they begged. Pathetic...[Norm gives him a funny look.]
Sam: Yeah, and I bet that Hillary’s just jealous of how good you look. Huh? Now cheer up.
Diane: [Raises her brows] Well…I have been known to spark jealousy in other women before. [The guys discretely roll their eyes.]
Sam: Yeah, that or she was kicking herself that you got to me first [laughs smugly].
Diane: [Sarcastically] Right, Sam.
Sam: Come on – cheer up. No point in getting worked up about this.
Diane: [Sighs] I guess you’re right. [Regaining her confidence] They can stuff their little club.
Sam, Norm and Cliff: Yeah!
Diane: [Triumphantly] I’m just as good as any of them – if not better. If they can’t see that, then it’s their loss!
Sam: That’s the spirit! Forget all about that stupid club.
Diane: Yes! That’s exactly what I’ll do! [She takes her tray, starts to walk away but suddenly stops at a table - recall "Peterson Crusoe"- and begins to explain to random customers] I am NOT a bad feminist - believe me. What has the world come to when a woman can't be a woman? I have always been a fervent critic of cultural anthropophagy - our past values cannot be simply discarded - and I don't even wear that much makeup! To think that...[Her voice fades as the camera returns to Norm, Cliff and Sam.]
Norm: [Whispers to Sam] Whew, good job, guys. [Points to the customers] That could have been us listening to another one of her speeches.
Cliff: Yeah, thank God. [Pause] You know there, Norm, it’s a little known fact that eh gender-based clubs first originated under the Incan Empire. [Norm slaps his cheeks and sighs] The Incas believed that men and women occupied separate though parallel levels of existence…

{Cliff’s voice fades as the camera moves to the front of the bar, where Hillary is about to leave.}

Hillary: [On her way out, she stops Carla and says] Carla, is it? I like your spunk. Would you be interested in joining our group?
Carla: You mean you want to have me as a member over Diane??!!
Hillary: Well, yes.
Carla: [Vicious laugh] In that case, count me in!
Hillary: Oh, great! I’m so glad to meet a woman with a real backbone, you know?
Carla: Yeah, well, I was born tough.
Customer: [To Carla] Hey, beautiful!
Carla: [Grimaces] What do you want, lard-face?
Customer: I’m having a little get together in my car in a few minutes…and you’re the guest of honor.
Hillary: God, what a repulsive display of male hormonal activity.
Carla: [With a look of disgust] Oh puke! Haven’t you got any better lines than that?
Customer: Um…sorry…
Carla: [Shrugs] Eh – just had to ask. [Takes off her apron and grabs the guy’s hand] Hey, Sammy! I’m taking a 5-minute break! [She walks out with the guy, leaving Hillary behind in a state of shock].

THE END

[Chambers]

"the horror, the horror!"

ok that's it. no more fanfics for me until i get a brain transplant. i just watched "bar bet" and found yet another scene i subconsciously copied. these are nothing but a recycling of actual cheers jokes and plots. dear god, what have i done??

[sunkist1212000]

I love your stories! I always look forward to the new ones and please keep writing. The lines you make Diane say are really good. To me, she is the hardest character to write since she uses a lot of fancy words. Great job so far!

[Chambers]

wow i didn't know there were other people reading these stories lol. thank you, sunkist
i'm still going to wait to reactivate my brain before i start on the next one, though

[Moondance]

Originally posted by DianeDiane
wow i didn't know there were other people reading these stories lol. thank you, sunkist
i'm still going to wait to reactivate my brain before i start on the next one, though

Great story, DianeDiane!!!

After I read your stories, I confuse myself because I believe them to be actual Cheers episodes! Seriously! I think of a line and I'm like, "That was from a story I read...I think, or was it Cheers??" Hahaha!

Diane, the semi-feminist! hee hee! The jokes you used were funny, too!

BrAvO!!!!

Feen

[Chambers]

yeah - not only was Diane a pseudo-intellectual, but she was a pseudo-feminist. when she was going to marry sam, she actually said she would stop working

[Moondance]

Originally posted by DianeDiane
yeah - not only was Diane a pseudo-intellectual, but she was a pseudo-feminist. when she was going to marry sam, she actually said she would stop working

Well, Diane Chambers must wash her mouth out with soap!


Feen

[Norm's Stool]

Ok, I know I'm a little behind (there are way too many old posts and I'm still catching up ) but let me just say that I LOVE your fanfics! Your "Lost Episode" series is amazing, especially this one where Diane is sooo Diane. It has reminiscences of "No contest" and "Whodunit" but, as Moondance pointed out, it reads as a true, unique Cheers episode. Great work!

[Lekuto]

Customer: I’m having a little get together in my car in a few minutes…and you’re the guest of honor.
Hillary: God, what a repulsive display of male hormonal activity.
Carla: [With a look of disgust] Oh puke! Haven’t you got any better lines than that?
Customer: Um…sorry…
Carla: [Shrugs] Eh – just had to ask. [Takes off her apron and grabs the guy’s hand] Hey, Sammy! I’m taking a 5-minute break! [She walks out with the guy, leaving Hillary behind in a state of shock].

Bwahahhahaa!!

Excellent job! I can see this as a Cheers episode. I can actually hear and see all the characters saying their lines and doing the actions. Amazing!

[Diane's Disciple]

I don't think this teleplay borrows from the actual episodes any more than those episodes borrowed from eachother. I really like your stories; they are as comfortable and familiar -- and funny -- as the genuine article.

I found the ending with Carla uproariously funny.

Thanks for sharing.

[i am sab]

This is just great; the tone is spot-on and I absolutely love Diane and Hillary and the feminist society. Thanks for sharing this!