Guru Sternin (Cheers crossover)

[Moondance]

Guru Sternin

By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster

ACT ONE

Scene A

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – DAY – DAY/1

(Lilith, Diane)

Dr. Lilith Sternin has just gone on the air.

Lilith: Good afternoon, Boston. I am Dr. Lilith Sternin, a professional psychiatrist and here to take your calls. [waits] Anyone? [sips water] If I may remind those who have just tuned in, I am taking calls. [irritated] For God sakes, someone pick up the damn phone and call!

Diane Chambers is sitting in the studio and comes up on stage.

Diane: If I may so bold as to suggest that you loosen the bun and let down your hair, Dr. Sternin.

Lilith: I don’t see why it would make any difference.

Diane: Please oblige to my request.

Lilith takes down her hair and the phones start ringing off the hook. Diane sits back and smiles.

Cut to:

Scene B

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – LATER THAT EVENING – NIGHT/1

[Lilith, Diane, Nora (V.O.)]

Lilith is kept on the line by Nora Buchanan.

Nora: [voice over] …and we’re planning this camping trip.

Lilith: Thanks for sharing that extensive, yet grotesque, collaboration of run on sentences. I’m sure my viewers will sympathize with me on this.

Nora: But this is my problem.

Lilith: We are aware of that, Mrs. Buchanan.

Nora: Will you come to my house tomorrow afternoon at two o’clock?

Lilith: I will do what I can. [sarcasm] Thank you for taking up my time. I will see what’s left of my audience on Monday’s show.

Diane claps in the background.

Lilith: [CONT’D; walks over to Diane] Thanks to you, my show turned into a ghastly, idealistic, travesty, that was diversely elongated by a moronic, and needless to say, dull woman, with whom I have to share my afternoon with tomorrow.

Diane: And a lovely show it was, Lilith. You are what the great poets call…

Lilith: Why don’t you go choke on some books, Diane? [leaves]

Diane: [frowns] Well that was uncalled for.

Diane walks out, as we:

Scene C

INT. NORA’S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/2

[Nora, Bo, Matthew, Lilith]

Nora is rushing Matthew and Bo into getting dressed for their special guest.

Nora: [yelling upstairs] Bo, its ok. I decided not to wear a brassier.

Doorbell rings.

Nora: Our guest is here. Get down here, you two! [opens the door] Hello, doctor. It’s an honor to have you in our home.

Bo: [coming downstairs] I don’t live here, Nora.

Nora: Dr. Sternin, this is Bo Buchanan.

Lilith: [in a dull grey dress suit] No need for an explanation. Cohabitation is nothing to be ashamed of. What ever suits your yearning for contentment?

Bo: I already told you that I don’t live here.

Matthew: [running downstairs] Bo, I found “Finding Nemo!”

Lilith: Finding, what?

Matthew: “Finding Nemo.” It’s a movie about a fish that gets lost from his family. He ends up in a dentist’s office, but gets flushed down the toilet and back into the ocean, where he finds his dad.

Lilith: How redundant.

Nora: Please sit. [holds up a plate of hors d’oeuvres] Cocktail wiener…?

Lilith: No thank you. [looks around] Your home expresses an exuberant amount of irony.

Nora: Oh, really? [places the plate back on the table]

Lilith: It’s a welcoming atmosphere, yet your occupants show signs of distress, emotionally and metaphysically.

Nora: Hmm, there must be a mistake.

Lilith: Mrs. Buchanan, you called me here for professional advice, did you not?

Nora: Well, yeah…

Lilith: I don’t normally make house calls to those of your discontinuity.

Nora: We are a happy family.

Lilith: [sarcasm] Yes, and I wear sports wear on a daily basis.

Nora: Must you be so sarcastic?

Lilith: Must you be so dense? I entered your home with the prelusion that you were living in a fictitious illusion. I am a psychiatrist. It is my job to analyze your faults into more constructive methods.

Nora: Yes, well, I apologize.

Lilith: [gives Nora the cold eye] Let’s move on. I would like to begin with Mr. Buchanan and please be honest. I didn’t fly all the way from Boston for mere fabrications.

Bo: Ok. Where do I start?

Lilith: What attracted you to—[to Nora] Excuse me, but what’s your maiden name?

Nora: Hanen, but my full name is Nora Hanen Gannon Buchanan.

Lilith: That is rather explorative. Let’s work from there.

Cut to:

Scene D

INT. NORA’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUED – DAY – DAY/2

[Bo, Nora, Matthew, Lilith]

Bo finishes discussing his past relationship with Nora.

Lilith: [sensing doubt] You speak as though you regret your past relationship.

Bo: It wasn’t one of my happier times. I felt like I wasted five years with the wrong woman.

Nora: [astonished] Bo, we had fun.

Bo: [laughs] That’s what I made you think.

Lilith: Ms. Hanen, would you say that Mr. Buchanan is a sufficient suitor?

Nora: Dr. Sternin, I go by Mrs. Buchanan.

Lilith: So you’re telling me that your reluctance has caused you to repress into a diversified illusion.

Nora: I like the last name, ok?

Lilith: To be perfectly honest with you, I’m perplexed by your delusive behavior. I would regard that as being obsessive, Ms. Hanen.

Nora: How could loving your family be an obsession?

Lilith: Mr. Buchanan denies living here, yet you insist that he play make believe.

Bo: She’s right, Nora. I don’t love you. [beat] Sure, I love Matthew, but he’s my son. There was only one woman in this world that I loved more than my own life, and that was Gabrielle.

Lilith: Would that be Gabrielle Medina?

Bo: [grins] Yeah. Did you know her?

Lilith: No, but I over heard a friend of mine, Sam Malone, say that Gabrielle Medina was sharing an apartment with Diane.

Bo: Whoa. Are you talking about the same Sam Malone, who used to play for the Boston Redsocks?

Lilith: That is correct.

Matthew: But, Bo, we like the Yankees.

Bo: Matthew, why don’t you go upstairs and play with your Digimon toys.

Matthew: Ok.

Matthew goes upstairs and Nora stands up.

Nora: Bo, excuse me, but who is paying for this session?

Lilith: Ms. Hanen, my advice to you is become a fiction writer. [stands up and straightens out her knee length skirt] I must be on my way. [shakes Bo and Nora’s hand] Good evening, Mr. Buchanan. Ms. Hanen.

Bo: Hold on. I’ll go to Boston with you.

Nora: [appalled] Bo!

Lilith: You best get started on that book. [grabs her coat] Come along, Mr. Buchanan.

Bo: Call me Bo… [as they go out the door, Bo says] How did you know I was talking about Gabrielle Medina?

Lilith: [as the door closes] She talks about you in the bar.

End of Act One

ACT TWO

Scene E

EXT. CHEERS BAR – DAY – DAY/3

[Diane, Carla, Woody, Lilith, Bo, Gabrielle]

People are walking up and down the street.

Cut to:

INT. CHEERS BAR – DAY – DAY/3

Carla is standing next to Diane at the bar. Diane is telling everyone about her new friend, Gabrielle Medina.

Diane: [smug expression] Did I mention that she used to be a style editor?

Carla: Yeah, and we’re all sick of hearing about it.

Diane: [frowns] Carla, I have you know that Gabrielle Medina is a notable woman of the arts. Like me, she was a ballerina…

Carla: But I bet she could dance.

Diane: Now Carla, be nice. She’s stopping by here on her way to the dry cleaners.

Carla: [smiles; sarcastically] Oh, good. We’re finally going to meet her majesty.

Woody: Is she really a queen, Ms. Chambers?

Diane: No, Woody. Carla was just teasing.

Woody: [cleaning out a glass] That’s funny. She wasn’t carrying around a brush.

Gabrielle enters the bar.

Gabrielle: Hello, Diane. I picked up your dry cleaning. I took the liberties of dropping it off at your apartment. I hope you don’t mind.

Diane: Gabrielle, you didn’t have to do that. [puts her arm about Gabrielle and says proudly] Everyone, this is my friend, Gabrielle Medina.

Everyone: [not really paying attention; adlibbing] Yeah. Hi.

Diane: [walking her around] This is Woody; he’s one of our bartenders.

Woody: Hello, Ms. Medina. What exactly does the queen do in that big house of hers?

Gabrielle: [smiling, politely] I wouldn’t know. I’m from Argentina.

Woody: Is that near Indiana? I’m from Hanover…

Gabrielle: Argentina is in South America.

Woody: Oh, I get it, North America and South America. That’s very clever, Ms. Medina.

Gabrielle gives Diane a befuddled stare.

Diane: Come on, Gabby. I can call you Gabby, right? After all, we’re practically sisters.

Carla: Hey, so you’re the Queen of Tarts that Diane has been jabbering about all day.

Diane: [sort of whiny] Come on, Carla, she’s my friend. You don’t have to be so churlish.

Carla: You’re right, Diane. What was I thinking? There’s only one Queen of Tarts, and you hold that title.

Diane: [to Gabrielle] Don’t listen to her. She’s been in a coma for months, and just returned to us today.

Gabrielle: How terrible.

Diane: Gabby, I want to introduce you to Sam. [smiles; leads her into Sam’s office] Sam? This is my new friend, Gabrielle Medina.

Sam: [smiling, flirtatiously] Hello.

Diane: Gabrielle is from Argentina.

Gabrielle: Well, actually, I just moved here from Pennsylvania.

Sam: Oh! Which part?

Gabrielle: Llanview. It’s a small town.

Sam: I hear you’re staying with Diane, here.

Gabrielle: Yes, for a little while. I need to get out there and start a new life for myself.

Sam: [jokingly] What, were you in the witness protection program? [laughs]

Diane: [Diane laugh, hits Sam] Oh, Sam, stop!

Sam: I was just kidding.

Diane: Gabrielle used to be a style editor.

Sam: Yeah, I know. [Gabrielle looks at him all befuddled] Diane’s been talking about you all morning. You’re like an old friend.

Diane: [flattered by Sam’s words] Oh, Sam. [to Gabrielle] Do you see he’s still crazy about me?

Sam: [through his teeth] I’m crazy, alright.

Diane: Gabby, I think it’s time I give you a tour of Boston. [looks at Sam] I’ll see you later tonight.

Diane and Gabrielle leave his office.

Cut to:

Scene F

INT. CHEERS BAR – LATE NIGHT – NIGHT/3

Lilith walks into the bar with Bo on her arm.

Woody: Hello, Dr. Sternin. Can I get you anything?

Lilith: A scotch.

Woody: Who’s your friend?

Lilith: This is Commissioner Bo Buchanan. He’s a policeman.

Woody: [recognizing look] Hey, I know you. You were that guy on the TV selling old used cars in Hanover.

Lilith: [rolls her eyes] Woody, must you act subnormal?

Woody: I don’t know what you mean, Dr. Sternin.

Lilith: My point, exactly.

Bo: So, where is she?

Lilith: Elsewhere.

Bo: [as Carla passes by] I haven’t seen Gabrielle in almost six months.

Carla gets up on the table and stuffs a dish rag in his mouth.

Carla: Say that name one more time, and you’ll be limping out of here, permanently.

Lilith: Carla, where’s Diane?

Carla: Would you like a few hot coals shoved up your nose? Then maybe you would finally defrost.

Lilith: Your callous behavior is phlegmatic and lacking all sense of color.

Carla: Like your face!

Carla goes back into the pool room.

Bo has tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.

Lilith: Do you find this dispute amusing, commissioner?

Bo: [clears his throat; to Woody] Could I have a beer?

Woody: Sure.

Diane enters the bar with Gabrielle by her side.

Diane: Hello, everyone. I’m back.

Lilith: [turns around in her chair, sees Gabrielle] Diane, you’re here. Could I possibly obtain your friend briefly at your expense?

Diane: Ok, but don’t think you’re going to steal her away from me.

Lilith taps Bo on the shoulder. He turns around in his chair, and grins from ear to ear.

Bo: You’re alive. [hugs her] Oh, honey! I thought I lost you forever. I had to go on a boring camping trip with Nora and Matthew. [holds her face] Pretending to be happy is no picnic in the park. [kisses her] I love you.

Gabrielle: Bo, let’s go somewhere, [looks at Diane about to sob] where nobody knows our names.

Bo: You’ve got it, honey.

Gabrielle: We can get married still, right?

Bo: You bet.

Bo and Gabrielle kiss. Diane sits at the bar, all depressed.

Gabrielle: [sees Diane] Just a minute, Bo. [to Diane] You have been very nice to me this past week. I don’t know how to repay you.

Diane: Well, [thinks for a moment] you could invite me to your wedding.

Gabrielle: Alright, but only if you invite me to your wedding to Sam.

Diane: [touched] You really are like a sister to me. [they hug each other]

Gabrielle: I’ll call you.

Gabrielle smiles as Bo takes her out the door.

Carla comes out of the pool room. Sam steps out of his office.

Carla: It’s gone!

Sam: What’s gone?

Carla: My splitting headache! [to Diane] Why didn’t you do us all a favor and go back to Crumpet Ville with the queen?

Woody: [smiling; feeling smart] I knew she was royalty.

End of Act Two

[Chambers]

congratulations on the new story, feen! lilith hosting her own show? that was great . i must find out what this other show is though.

[BebeSternin]

That was too funny. And what was the other show?

[Moondance]

The other show is an ABC soap opera called "One Life to Live."

Haha! I so enjoy writing for Lilith and Diane!

Feen