A HD tribute to Monty Python

[Bea]

Okay, I'm doing a Happy Days tribute to Monty Python show and anyone who knows any MP sketch scenes done Happy Days style can go right ahead so I'll start with the Parrot Sketch with Warren 'Potsie' Weber as the customer and Ralph Malph as the owner.

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer (Potsie): Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

The owner does not respond.

Customer: Hello, Ma'am?
Owner (Ralph): What do you mean "ma'am"?
Customer: (pauses) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I want to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I want to complain about this parrot what I bought half an hour ago from this very shop.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.
Customer: Look, buddy, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it? Beautiful plumage!
Customer: The plumage doesn't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
Customer: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouts at the cage) Hello, Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(hits the cage)
Owner: There, it moved!
Customer: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Customer: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Customer: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) HELLO, PARROT!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter, throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, it's stunned!
Customer: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as it was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, buddy.
Customer: Um...now look...now look, pal, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and worn out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Customer: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on it's back the moment I got it home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, isn't it, buddy? Lovely plumage!
Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Pause.

Owner: Well, sure it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Customer: "VOOM"?!? Look, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's frickin' demised!
Owner: No no! It's pining!
Customer: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies! It's metabolic processes are now history! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the lousy choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

Pause.

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry, buddy, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Customer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: (pause) I got a slug.

Pause.

Customer: Wait, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Customer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A LOUSY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!