Three Loonies In a Station -crossover

[Moondance]

Three Loonies in a Station

By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster

Crossover: One Life to Live/Cheers

Characters: Bo Buchanan, Gabrielle Medina, Nora Buchanan, Max Holden, Diane Chambers, Dr. Lilith Sternin, Carla Tortelli, Woody Boyd, Sam Malone, Norm Peterson, Cliff Clavin...

Opening Scene - Cheers bar

Woody: [answers the phone] Cheers? [...] Uh-huh. I don't see Sam anywhere. Could I take a message? [...] Well, hello, Ms. Chambers. [...] I haven't seen you here in a couple of days.

Sam: [peeking out of his office] Is Diane here?

Woody: Hold on, Ms. Chambers, Sam is asking me a question. [covers the phone] Yes, Sam?

Sam: You haven't seen Diane, have you?

Woody: [laughs] As a matter a fact, I have. She's on the phone with me right now. [laughs some more] Just wait until I tell her that you're looking for her.

Sam: [jumping over the counter] It's ok, Woody. I'll tell her.

Woody: [smiling] Boy will she be surprised.

Scene One - Cheers Bar

Sam: Diane, where are you? [...] I promise I won't get mad. [...] You're where?! [trying to keep his cool] No, no. I'm not mad. [...] I'm not mad! [...] Diane, don't make me mad. [...] Fine! You want to argue?! [...] Oh really. Well, let me tell you something, sweetheart! You can rot in there for all I care! [...] Yeah, well, the same to you! [hangs up the phone]

Cliff: Eh, lovers quarrel there, Sammy?

Sam: [not really listening] You know, that woman really makes me mad.

Carla: What did Miss Buttercup do this time?

Sam: She got herself thrown in jail. And she expects me to wire her the bail money, and that ain't going to happen.

Woody: Couldn't you just have the money sent to Ms. Chambers?

Carla: Sammy, take my advice. Let the broad rot in the slammer. You'd be doing Boston a favor.

Norm enters the bar.

Everyone: Norm!

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson. How's it going?

Norm: Great...Once I get my beer.

Cliff: Norm, did you hear that Diane is, er, locked up?

Carla: She belongs in a zoo with the rest of the baboons.

Norm: [chuckles, while drinking his beer] What did she do?

Sam: Besides driving me nuts for nearly four years? She got into trouble with Lilith.

Woody: Dr. Sternin?

Frasier: Did I hear the utterance of that fridged woman who once inhabited my home?

Woody: Hey, Dr. Crane. I didn't see you over there.

Frasier: I just got here in time to hear about Dr. Sternin's misfortune. [wicked laugh] You say she is in jail with Diane?

Sam: I'm not going to help her, either. Pennsylvania can keep her!

Frasier: I knew this would happen sooner or later. Both women are impossible. They know all the right buttons to push.

Sam: Don't I know it.

Cliff: What part of Pennsylvania is it, Sammy?

Sam: I wrote it down...[finds a piece of paper] Ah, here it is. Llanview.

Cliff: That there is a screwy town, I hear.

Norm: Have you been there, Cliffy?

Cliff: No, an old buddy of mine used to deliver mail to Llanfair. That house was built back in 1968, or was it 1868...

Carla: Who cares? Get to the point.

Cliff: There is really no point to be made, Carla. My fellow buddy in uniform just happened to be from Llanview, P.A.

Carla: Too bad it wasn't you.

Sam: Ah, she's hundreds of miles away and she's still driving me crazy.

Frasier nodded his head in personal agreement.

Sam: Ah, hell. I'm going into my office before I do something I'll regret.

Sam went into his office.

Norm: How much you want to bet that Sam comes to her rescue?

Cliff: No, Norm, I think he'll cool down.

Norm: Put your money where your mouth is.

Frasier: I think I'll join in on this easy money. I'm with Norm. Diane's grating voice will eat away at whatever's left of Sam's brain.

The phone rang at the bar and Woody answered.

Woody: Cheers.

Sam: [peeks from his office] Is that Diane on the phone? I'm not here.

Woody: Dr. Crane, it's for you.

Sam: [disappointed] I'll just...[under his breath] listen in...[goes back into his office and listens in on the other line]

Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane...[throws the phone and jerks back] Lilith!

Woody: You can't get her off your mind, can you, Dr. Crane?

Frasier: Woody, that was her on the phone. I could recognize that condescending tone a mile away.

Woody: Is that why you threw the phone?

Frasier: [looks around] Hand me the damn phone! [takes the phone, Woody gives to Frasier] Lilith, what do you want? [...] I see. Would this uncharacteristic gesture, have anything to do with reciprocity in your favor? [...] Laugh all you want, but I wouldn't care if you stayed in that rat infested cage forever! Goodbye! [hangs up the phone] The nerve of that woman. Begging me to get her out.

Sam: [running out of the office] I'll be back later.

Cliff: Hey, Sammy, where ya headed?

Sam: Just somewhere.

Frasier: Do you mind if I come along?

Sam: We got to hurry. I got to gas up the car.

Norm: Are you two off to save Diane and Lilith?

Carla: [in the back room] Yuck! Barf!

Sam: Yeah, well, somebody has to.

Sam and Frasier exit, while Norm and Cliff exchange money...

Frasier: [pops his head back in] Remember, part of that money is mine. [Cliff walks over and gives Frasier his half] This should be enough for gas.

Scene Two - Llanview Police Department

Bo sat at his desk staring at Diane and Lilith's records. Gabrielle came into his office with a little white bag.

Bo: Hey, honey. [gets up and kisses her] It's not lunch time yet.

Gabrielle: [smiling] I know, but I couldn't wait that long to see you. I brought you your favorite...a muffin...blueberry.

Bo: Mmm!

Gabrielle: Working on a case?

Bo: Yeah, but I promise I'll be done by lunch. [kisses her]

Officer: Commissioner? Dr. Sternin is ready for questioning.

Bo: Send her in. [to Gabby] Honey, I'll be looking forward to our lunch date. [they kiss one last time]

Lilith walked in. Her hair was held back in a tight bun.

Gabrielle: I'll wait outside. [Bo nods]

[Note to Non-Cheers fans: Dr. Lilith Sternin speaks with a flat, expressionless tone, and shows no enthusiasm what-so-ever]

Lilith: [her flat, expressionless tone] Will this take long?

Gabrielle left.

Bo: Have a seat.

Lilith: [her serious look] I know my rights and I would like another phone call.

Bo: You already had your phone call. I need to ask you a few questions.

Lilith: Go on.

Bo: What were you and Ms. Chambers doing sneaking around outside the mill house last night?

Lilith: What does that have to do with anything?

Bo: You were on private property peeking through Max Holden's window.

Lilith was about to say something when Diane barged in.

Diane: Pardon me, but did you know that this place is crawling with criminals?

Lilith: How perceptive of you, Diane.

Bo: Didn't the officer tell you to wait outside?

Diane: Before or after he was told the donut shops were closing early today?

Bo: Come on in. [Diane sits in the chair next to Lilith] Now, [pause] you ladies look like two very intelligent women.

Diane: [smiling] Why thank you, commissioner.

Bo: Could you tell me what you were doing watching Max Holden in the privacy of his own home?

Diane: Well, it's a long story, commissioner.

Bo: [leans back in his chair] I'm listening.

Diane: Well, Dr. Sternin and I were on our way to a psychology siminar, where the guest speaker, Dr. Raymone Debois, was giving his lecture and book signing at noon. I couldn't pass up witnessing the sublime psychologist giving his rendition of "Memiors of a Broken Man." I remember when I first read that book. I was a freshman in college, and...

Bo: Could you please get to the part where you're peeking through the window?

Diane: I'm getting to that...anyways, my professor, the brilliant one...and I was his favorite student...

Lilith: Put a sock in it, Diane.

Diane: [frowns] Well, that wasn't very nice.

Lilith: Allow me to tell you the condensed version.

Bo: [crossing his arms] Ok, what happened?

Lilith: Ms. Chambers and I were planning on attending that seminar, but we were side-tracked after stopping at a bar in this town. That's when I caught a glimpse of Mr. Holden.

Diane: Now wait a minute. I saw him first.

Lilith: Diane, you were talking about Sam ever since we stepped out of Cheers. Staring at Mr. Holden was my only means to keep from falling asleep.

Diane: Are you saying that my relationship with Sam bores you?

Lilith: My God. Frasier was right. You are lacking all sense of reality.

Diane: [frowns] What is that supposed to mean?

Lilith: Diane, I have a psychiatrist friend that I think could help you. Her name is Dr. Emma Rosenberg, and she is known to work miracles.

Diane: [smugly] Very funny. Ha. Ha.

Bo: Hey, you still haven't answered my question.

Lilith: Diane suggested that we follow Mr. Holden home.

Diane: [jaw drops] As I recall you weren't objecting.

Lilith: What are you implying, Diane?

Diane: Things with you and Frasier have been over for a while.

Lilith: And your point? [pause] Was it not you who said, at the house warming dinner that Dr. Crane and I planned, that you were once involved with Frasier? You left him at the alter. Could you possibly still have feelings for him?

Diane: Me? Still love Frasier? That's impossible. I love Sam.

Lilith: Then why does your very presence cause the poor man to digress.

Diane: Digression has nothing to do with this. Sam loves me.

Lilith: Your impertinence is tiring. Your objectivity on the matter is repetitive and self-absorbed.

Bo: Ladies, I have a lunch date in about fifteen minutes, so could you do me a favor and answer my question?

Lilith: My feelings on the matter at hand, are as follows; [points to Diane] It was all her idea. [Diane pierces her lips]

Bo: So what you're saying is that Ms. Chambers came up with this idea?

Diane: [standing up in an outrage towards Lilith] Why do you resent me so much, damnit?! If I hadn't left Frasier at the alter, God knows, how many years ago, then you would have never fallen in love with him to begin with!

Lilith: [head to the floor] Diane, you're right. How could I have been so blind to the deepened desire masked by hostility that Frasier and I shared?

Diane: [smiling] You see? You two were made for each other.

Lilith: Thank you, Diane. [flat, expressionless tone] My cup runneth over.

Diane: [looks at Bo, smiling] Well, it's all settled. This was all one big misunderstanding!

Bo: It doesn't explain why you were watching Max Holden...

Diane: Can't you see? We were watching this man because we were unsure of our feelings towards the men in our lives. Thanks to Max Holden, I can go back to Cheers and proclaim my undying love to Sam, and Lilith can go back to Frasier.

Lilith: This doesn't involve crawling does it, Diane?

Diane: Well, a little.

Lilith: I'm sorry, Diane, but that is strictly beneathe me. If anyone does the crawling, it will be Frasier.

Nora barges in licking her fingers noisily.

Nora: Bo, I bought us both Big Macs and a large fry to split. [looks at Lilth and Diane, smiles] So, is this your last case for the day, because I'm hungry.

Bo: I can't do lunch today. I have other plans.

Lilith: Does that mean we can go now?

Bo: No. [looks at Nora] I'm going to be detained for a while, so could you keep these two company while I'm away?

Nora: Sure.

Bo opened the door and Gabrielle was standing out there waiting for him. They exchanged kisses and went to lunch, and then to the casbah (bedroom) for desert.

Scene Three - Bo's Office (30 minutes later)

Lilith: [blandish laugh] Oh, Diane. Your outlandish humor is simply intoxicating.

Nora: I don't understand. She was speaking in french.

Lilith: Is there an implication to your impudence? It takes a great deal of intellect to master such a language.

Nora: Do you have a personality?

Lilith: [folds her arms] You tell me.

Nora: You seem very tense. Is something wrong?

Lilith: I'm being held in custody for a matter that was resolved almost an hour ago.

Diane: [reaches into her purse] Could I interest anyone in a lifesaver?

Lilith: No, thank you.

Nora: [shakes her head] No, I'm fine. [to Lilith] Listen, could I be frank?

Lilith: Why not? Your masculinity overpowers me.

Nora: Ah-ha. You have a way with words.

Lilith: And your derogatory remarks are forthcoming.

There was giggling outside the office.

Diane: Someone sounds like they're having fun. Reminds me of Sam and I at the overture of our relationship.

Gabrielle entered Bo's office smiling uncontrollably. Her dress was wrinkled, and a few buttons were unfastened.

Nora: Hi, Gabrielle. Where's Bo?

Gabrielle: He'll be a few minutes...

Nora: [inopportunely] Oh. Forget I asked. [pause] Gabrielle, would you mind watching these two while I go to the bathroom?

Gabrielle: Go right ahead. [Nora leaves]

Diane: [stands up, extending her hand] Hi, I'm Diane Chambers.

Gabrielle: [smiles] Hello. I'm Gabrielle Medina. [shakes her hand]

Diane: [points to Lilith] That's Dr. Lilith Sternin. [does a Vanna White pose] Behind that timid façade is a smart, wity, and often sarcastic woman, who happens to be a gifted psychiatrist.

Lilth: Your flattery on my behalf is appreciated in volumes.

Gabrielle: [smiling, sighs] Well, do either of you read the style section?

Lilith: I've hit Frasier over the head with an exuberant amount of fashion magazines, but was never enamored by it's concept.

Diane: I love fashion. Are you a fashion designer?

Gabrielle: Not anymore. I'm the style editor of the Banner.

Diane: [getting all excited] Oh! You work at a newspaper. Well, I'm a poet and I'm starting on my career as a novelist.

Gabrielle: [politely] Good.

Diane: I love your accent. I remember traveling to Europe with Frasier...

Lilith: [annoyed] Diane, must you bring that up?

Diane: [frowns] Oh, right.

Bo walked into the office, and smiled at Gabrielle.

Bo: [to Lilith and Diane] You ladies are free to go.

Diane: Do you mean that? No more questions?

Bo: No...We've got some people here from the Boston Asylum who claim that you two escaped.

Diane: What?

Sam and Frasier stepped into the office.

Diane: [stands up] Sam!

Sam: Hello, Diane.

Lilith tried not to look at Frasier.

Frasier: [acknowledging] Dr. Sternin.

Lilith: [still not looking at him] Dr. Crane.

Diane: [Diane laugh] Well, we're free.

Sam: Not so fast there, Diane.

Diane: But didn't you hear this honorable officer of the law? He said I was free to go. Whatever you have to say can wait until we get home.

Sam: No it can't, Diane. You drove me crazy before you left. First you plan this trip with Lilith behind my back, then after wondering why you hadn't returned to work, I get a call from you telling me that you were arrested in Pennsylvania. So I drive down here to get you out, and you're acting like it was nothing.

Diane: [smiling] Aw, Sam...you still love me!

Sam: [disgusted] No, I never said that!

Diane: [happily] You didn't have to. Just seeing you here, rescuing me from the dangers of prison life, is all the proof I need that you love me.

Sam: I don't love you, Diane. What we had was over a long time ago.

Diane: [playfully] This is a new step for us. Soon I'll be picking out wedding patterns...then wallpaper for the baby's room.

Sam: No you won't, because it will be a cold day in hell before I ever propose to you, again.

Diane: [grins] You will.

Sam: Why do you do this? God! I should just leave you here!

Diane: But you won't. You know why?

Sam: I'm afraid to ask.

Diane: Silly Sam, you know you still love me, or else you wouldn't have driven all this way.

Sam: I can't--You know what you are?

Diane: [awaiting Sam's answer] What?

Sam: You're nuts!

Diane: [cries] Do you mean that? Do you hate me that much?

Sam: Diane, I don't hate you.

Diane: [hysterically] Then why don't you love me?!

Sam: Come on, Diane. Don't cry. [Diane is still crying] Ah, I know what you're trying to do, but it's not going to work this time.

Frasier, Lilith, Bo and Gabrielle were watching them fight.

Sam: [pacing back and forth] I can't take this anymore! [pause] Diane, I lo--I lo--...

Diane: [lifts her head] Yes, Sam?

Sam: I lo-- Damn! Why can't I say it?

Diane: [smiling] It's just like before. You can't say it to me because you mean it.

Frasier: Well, I think it's time for us to go home.

Lilith: [grins] Frasier is right.

Frasier: Shall we, Peach Blossom?

Lilith: I'm right behind you, Honey Bear.

Frasier and Lilith leave, both knowing that they couldn't stay mad at each other for too long.

Diane: [taking Sam's hand; smiling] You love me.

Sam: Does that mean I get to take you back to my apartment?

Diane: Not tonight, Sam. We mustn't keep Frasier and Lilith waiting. [waves to Bo and Gabrielle] Au revoir, mes amies.

Sam: Can we make out in the backseat?

Diane: Come along, Sam.

Sam: Is that a yes or a no? [waves as Diane pulls him out of the office]

Bo: [grinning at Gabby] Alone at last.

Gabrielle: Let's not waste time, then.

Bo and Gabrielle kiss.

Five minutes later, Nora returned from the bathroom to find Bo's office doors locked, and the blinds closed.

Nora: Hm. I guess he left. [Nora leaves]

Bo and Gabrielle danced together, slowly.

The End

[Chambers]

LOL! i'm not familiar with the other show, but the idea for the plot was great! diane and lilith in jail - great stuff. and you do a great lilith. well done! hope to read more of your stories soon.

[BebeSternin]

LOL I can't stop laughing. Diane and her..randomness. I loved the part where Lilith is telling the story then points at Diane and says "it was her idea!"