The jokes, riddles, and silly E-mails thread!

[Chocoholic]

I thought we should have a thread devoted to jokes, riddles, and those silly E-mails that keep floating around. Here are a couple I have...

ZEN AND WISDOM OF LIFE

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then
things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[Chocoholic]

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
>
>
> ================================================
>
> There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was
> Black:
>
>
> 1. He called everyone "brother"
> 2. He liked Gospel
> 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments
> that Jesus was Jewish:
>
> 1. He went into His Fathers business.
> 2. He lived at home until he was 33.
> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and
> his mother was sure he was
> God.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments
> that Jesus was Italian:
>
> 1. He talked with his hands.
> 2. He had wine with every meal.
> 3. He used olive oil.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments
> that Jesus was a Californian:
>
> 1. He never cut his hair.
> 2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
> 3. He started a new religion.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments
> that Jesus was Irish:
>
> 1. He never got married.
> 2. He was always telling stories.
> 3. He loved green pastures.
>
> But the most compelling evidence of all - 3
> proofs that Jesus was a woman:
>
> 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when
> there was no food.
> 2. He kept trying to get a message across to
> a bunch of men who just
> didn'tget it
> 3. And even when he was dead, He had to get
> up because there was more
> work to do.

[Michael [hXc]]

lol! Good ones

[robyrob]

A kindergarten teacher helped a student put on his snow boots for recess. She pulled and pushed, and pushed and pulled, and by the time she finally got his second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. Then the little boy looked up at her and asked, "Teacher? Are they on the wrong feet?" She nearly cried. Sure enough, they were. It was no easier getting them off, but she did, and then back on again. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She suppressed her urge to scream, and once again struggled to pull the ill-fitting boots off his feet. As soon as they were off, he said, "They're my brother's boots. Mom made me wear 'em today." She wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry. But, mustering up all her grace and courage, she wrestled the boots back onto his feet again. She helped him into his coat and, with recess nearly over, asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He replied, "I didn't want to lose 'em, so I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots!"

[GabbyFang]

This is a very confusing riddle, but I think someone will get it:

Your in a big house. There are no doors, no windows, and the walls are 3ft thick.ALSO there is a roof thats realy thick. You have a mirror and a Table.How do you get out?

Hard, Huh?


This is a joke:

Theres a house with 4 stories. On the first story is a couple that works at the cuircus. On the next story is a guy in college. On the 3rd story is a blind man, and on the last story lives a woman. One day the lady was in the shower. The door bell rang,so,she got a towel, wraped it around her and went to the door. She opened the door. It was the Circus family. "Congragulate us. We had a baby!" She said congrats and shut the door to return to the shower. 2 min. after she got in the dor bell rang. She got out and wraped the towel around her and answered the door. It was the college guy. "Congragulate me, I got my diploma!". "Congrats" she said and went back to her shower. She stepped in and automaticlly, the door bell rang. She figured that it was the blind man so she forgot the towel and answered the door. As she guessed it was the blind man. "Conragulate me!I've been cured!I can see!!!!"


He He!

[robyrob]

Originally posted by SouthParkGurl
This is a very confusing riddle, but I think someone will get it:

Your in a big house. There are no doors, no windows, and the walls are 3ft thick. You have a mirror and a Table.How do you get out?

first use the mirror to make sure you look good, then climb on top of the table and over the 3ft thick walls, because there wasn't any roof mentioned....

A sheik is old and must will his fortune to one of his two sons. He makes a proposition. His two sons will ride their camels in a race, and whichever camel crosses the finish line last will win the fortune for its owner. During the race, the two brothers wander aimlessly for days, neither willing to cross the finish line. In desperation, they ask a wise man for advice. He tells them something; then the brothers leap onto the camels and charge toward the finish line. What did the wise man say?

[GabbyFang]

Originally posted by robyrob
first use the mirror to make sure you look good, then climb on top of the table and over the 3ft thick walls, because there wasn't any roof mentioned....

I forgot the roof!