Favorite Roseanne sarcastic remarks - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

TGFNickAtNite · 03-18-2004, 09:06 AM

I started a similar thread with the Golden Girls with Dorothy since I believe she had some the funniest sarcastic remarks. Roseanne, Darlene & Jackie had some of the best too.

Here's what i can remember from memory. If any is incorrect let me know! Have fun!

Roseanne: (regarding Jackie being oblivious about the lack of elecricity in the house) "We don't have any lights, but we now know the speed of stupid."

Roseanne: (regarding Darlene's beliefs and refusal to serve loose meat sandwiches in the Landford Daze) "So you got convictions, just shut up about 'em!"

Becky: "You have such a big mouth"
Darlene: ".and you have such a small chest."

Darlene: "Becky! Zippy's on the phone!...so Mark, did you dial the phone yourself, or did your daddy help you?....Aww now that's not very nice. Do you use that same dirty mouth to kiss my sister"
Becky: "Darlene gimme the phone."
Darlene: "Let me say goodbye. <BURP>"

Beverly: "Darlene maybe you should get pointers from you sister since she's so popular:
Darlene: "Well if she's so popular, ask which one of us got felt up" (smiling saracastically)
Roseanne: "Darlene, leave the table."
Darlene: "Yeah, I knew that would do it."

(calling Auntie Barbara regarding the passing of their father)
Jackie: "I can't do this, I'm supposed to be in mourning!"
Roseanne: "Then wear a veil over head while you're doing it!"

Jackie: "Hello auntie barbara, I have some bad news,...dad is not with us anymore.....He's past away.....past away........dad's dead....he's DEAD!..DEAD!!!.....NO, DEAD!!!!.....DAD!!!!!! He's fine! He sends his love! I am not going to do that anymore, you can't make me!

Jackie: "I got flabby arm, and pelican neck. My house plants are all dead and no one loves me, but who cares anyway cause everything in my life sucks!!"

and also the episode "Inherit the Wind" there wasn't any dialogue when Becky's watching tv and Darlene see's her and pretends to be all nice, then lets out a raspberry.

db108108 · 03-18-2004, 05:33 PM

Thanks for bringing back some memories!

I love the quote about the veil, it's such a throwaway line that the audience really didn't laugh at (if you watch the episode), but it's so damned hilarious.

Don't forget when Leon's insulting Roseanne at the restauarant and he adds "no offense."

Roseanne: "None taken you balding albino idiot."

Saiyan ChiChi · 03-19-2004, 01:25 AM

Darlene: You think we dont get your corny little sex jokes?

Roseanne: You kids are our corny little sex jokes.

cjmg85 · 03-19-2004, 02:06 AM

LOL, I forgot about that one. "I'll get the wand".

Not really sarcastic, but brilliant (and funny) as hell:

Roseanne: "...By the way, Darlene, I heard that you and David got back together agian."
Darlene: "What? How did you find out?"
Roseanne: "You just told me!"

Superbatboy · 03-19-2004, 03:52 AM

Darlene: How did you find out she was a lesbian?

Roseanne: I saw the big I'm a big fat dike bumper sticker on the back of her car

TGFNickAtNite · 03-19-2004, 07:06 AM

From the epidode: "Less Is More"

Nurse: "Have a seat Mrs. Conner, the doctor will be here in a minute."

Roseanne: "Thank you DeAnn"

Jackie: "So, what'd he say?"

Roseanne: "Well he said put your clothes on, I'm done, you know like any man."

From the episode: "The Back Story"

Becky: "They moved me up to the express line"

Jackie: "That's Great!"

Becky: "Yeah right, all I do is count to ten."

Darlene: "Don't wear mittens, it will slow you down"

Nanny Fine · 03-19-2004, 10:44 AM

There are SO SO many of them but here is one of them:

Becky: Kiss my butt Darlene!
Darlene: Well haul it on over here jumbo!

Tyler77 · 03-19-2004, 10:23 PM

Dan (to Roseanne): You mean you're getting your tubes tied?
Roseanne: No, I'm going to have my knees sewn together!

(In an episode taped after her "National Anthem" fiasco

Roseanne: Today is such a nice day that I feel like singin'!

Roseanne: We're so screwed it would take 50 million light years from the light from screwed to reach the Earth!

sniffmagikmarkrs · 03-19-2004, 11:44 PM

cjmg i love that quote.... lol

Darlene: David we're through, i'm breaking up with you
David: Gee, can we still not have sex?

(Roseanne burst into the basement where darlene and david are reading on the bed)
Roseanne: Aha i knew it you guys ARE having sex
Darlene: David why didn't you tell me i would have put my book down

TGFNickAtNite · 03-20-2004, 05:55 AM

Darlene: "Becky I can't see the tv"
Becky: "Too bad"
Darlene: "Well we got a 19 inch tv and you got a 25 inch butt"

Darlene: "You said David wasn't gonna be around."
Roseanne: "Oh, I thought you meant David Cassidy."

hughpuppies · 03-22-2004, 12:19 AM

Roseanne: Go ahead and eat that peanut butter and give yourself another heart attack you fat cow.

Dan: You calling me fat? Yes I am well if that isn't calling the kettle black.

Roseanne: You calling me fat?

Dan: Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.

cjmg85 · 03-22-2004, 12:40 AM

To correct the above quote, after Roseanne says that thing to Dan about giving hisself another heart attack, Dan say:

"Well if that ain't the big fat pot calling the kettle black"

Roseanne: "You better not be calling me fat"

Dan: "fat, fat, fat, fat, fat"

At least that's how I remembered it to be.

TGFNickAtNite · 04-16-2004, 01:26 AM

Darlene (To Roseanne): "You have such a big mouth."
Roseanne: "No, I don't"
(Pause)
Roseanne: (yells LOUDLY) BECKY!!!!!

brainlesschild09 · 04-16-2004, 10:05 PM

in response to the fat one, it was:

Roseanne: you better not be callin ME fat
Dan: Well thats what I'm doin: FAT! FAT! FAT FAT!
Roseanne and Dan: FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT!

TGFNickAtNite · 04-21-2004, 06:09 AM

Darlene: I got like fifty bucks you can borrow back...
Becky: So what's in it for you?
Darlene: Well, I lend you the money, interest-free, and then when I'm 16, we'd share the car
Becky: You'd think I'd share a car with you? No way.
Darlene: Well then forget, Junior Miss can take the bus till she's 40.

03-18-2004, 09:06 AM	#1
TGFNickAtNite Member Occasional Poster Join Date: Aug 27, 2003 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 70	Favorite Roseanne sarcastic remarks I started a similar thread with the Golden Girls with Dorothy since I believe she had some the funniest sarcastic remarks. Roseanne, Darlene & Jackie had some of the best too. Here's what i can remember from memory. If any is incorrect let me know! Have fun! Roseanne: (regarding Jackie being oblivious about the lack of elecricity in the house) "We don't have any lights, but we now know the speed of stupid." Roseanne: (regarding Darlene's beliefs and refusal to serve loose meat sandwiches in the Landford Daze) "So you got convictions, just shut up about 'em!" Becky: "You have such a big mouth" Darlene: ".and you have such a small chest." Darlene: "Becky! Zippy's on the phone!...so Mark, did you dial the phone yourself, or did your daddy help you?....Aww now that's not very nice. Do you use that same dirty mouth to kiss my sister" Becky: "Darlene gimme the phone." Darlene: "Let me say goodbye. <BURP>" Beverly: "Darlene maybe you should get pointers from you sister since she's so popular: Darlene: "Well if she's so popular, ask which one of us got felt up" (smiling saracastically) Roseanne: "Darlene, leave the table." Darlene: "Yeah, I knew that would do it." (calling Auntie Barbara regarding the passing of their father) Jackie: "I can't do this, I'm supposed to be in mourning!" Roseanne: "Then wear a veil over head while you're doing it!" Jackie: "Hello auntie barbara, I have some bad news,...dad is not with us anymore.....He's past away.....past away........dad's dead....he's DEAD!..DEAD!!!.....NO, DEAD!!!!.....DAD!!!!!! He's fine! He sends his love! I am not going to do that anymore, you can't make me! Jackie: "I got flabby arm, and pelican neck. My house plants are all dead and no one loves me, but who cares anyway cause everything in my life sucks!!" and also the episode "Inherit the Wind" there wasn't any dialogue when Becky's watching tv and Darlene see's her and pretends to be all nice, then lets out a raspberry.
	__________________ "The only thing wrong with the world is ignorant people" LAUGHTER TRULY IS THE BEST MEDICINE. My All Time Favorites: The Cosby Show, I Love Lucy, Roseanne, The Simpsons, The Golden Girls Last edited by TGFNickAtNite; 03-18-2004 at 09:35 AM.

03-19-2004, 01:25 AM	#3
Saiyan ChiChi Anime Fan Occasional Poster Join Date: Jan 13, 2004 Posts: 75	Darlene: You think we dont get your corny little sex jokes? Roseanne: You kids are our corny little sex jokes.
	__________________ "I am your sheath, I am destined to stand with you no matter what," -Himura Tomoe- (Samurai X/Rurouni Kenshin)

03-19-2004, 03:52 AM	#5
Superbatboy The Brandon Show Forum Regular Join Date: Feb 25, 2002 Location: California..USA Posts: 793	Darlene: How did you find out she was a lesbian? Roseanne: I saw the big I'm a big fat dike bumper sticker on the back of her car
	__________________ "Marion, stop cackling I've been waiting 10 years for you to lay that egg"

03-19-2004, 07:06 AM	#6
TGFNickAtNite Member Occasional Poster Join Date: Aug 27, 2003 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 70	From the epidode: "Less Is More" Nurse: "Have a seat Mrs. Conner, the doctor will be here in a minute." Roseanne: "Thank you DeAnn" Jackie: "So, what'd he say?" Roseanne: "Well he said put your clothes on, I'm done, you know like any man." From the episode: "The Back Story" Becky: "They moved me up to the express line" Jackie: "That's Great!" Becky: "Yeah right, all I do is count to ten." Darlene: "Don't wear mittens, it will slow you down"
	Last edited by TGFNickAtNite; 03-19-2004 at 07:16 AM.

03-19-2004, 10:44 AM	#7
Nanny Fine Justine and Holden.. Senior Member Join Date: Jan 01, 2003 Location: Watching The Ellen Degeneres Show and luvin' it Posts: 2,852	There are SO SO many of them but here is one of them: Becky: Kiss my butt Darlene! Darlene: Well haul it on over here jumbo!
	__________________ * How it all came down to this, only the Devil knows. Retail Rodeo is at the corner on my left. The motel is down the road to my right. I close my eyes and try to peer into the future. On my left, I saw days upon days of lipstick and ticking clocks, dirty looks and quiet whisperings. And burning secrets that just won't ever die away. And on my right, what could I picture? The blue sky, the desert earth, stretching out into the eerie infinity. A beautiful never-ending nothing. ~Justine, "The Good Girl" * Bush for President!

03-18-2004, 05:33 PM	#2
db108108 Teacher (for now) Senior Member Join Date: Mar 20, 2003 Location: 2 hours north of Detroit, 2 hours south of Toronto Posts: 1,023	Thanks for bringing back some memories! I love the quote about the veil, it's such a throwaway line that the audience really didn't laugh at (if you watch the episode), but it's so damned hilarious. Don't forget when Leon's insulting Roseanne at the restauarant and he adds "no offense." Roseanne: "None taken you balding albino idiot."

03-19-2004, 02:06 AM	#4
cjmg85 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Mar 18, 2004 Location: Seattle, Washington, USA Posts: 228	LOL, I forgot about that one. "I'll get the wand". Not really sarcastic, but brilliant (and funny) as hell: Roseanne: "...By the way, Darlene, I heard that you and David got back together agian." Darlene: "What? How did you find out?" Roseanne: "You just told me!"

03-19-2004, 10:23 PM	#8
Tyler77 Member Occasional Poster Join Date: Jun 23, 2002 Location: North Brunswick, NJ Posts: 96	Dan (to Roseanne): You mean you're getting your tubes tied? Roseanne: No, I'm going to have my knees sewn together! (In an episode taped after her "National Anthem" fiasco Roseanne: Today is such a nice day that I feel like singin'! Roseanne: We're so screwed it would take 50 million light years from the light from screwed to reach the Earth!

03-19-2004, 11:44 PM	#9
sniffmagikmarkrs meant to be Frequent Poster Join Date: Jan 08, 2004 Location: Lanford, Illinois Posts: 131	lol cjmg i love that quote.... lol Darlene: David we're through, i'm breaking up with you David: Gee, can we still not have sex? (Roseanne burst into the basement where darlene and david are reading on the bed) Roseanne: Aha i knew it you guys ARE having sex Darlene: David why didn't you tell me i would have put my book down
	__________________ Darlene: (to DJ) You're about to become a strange smell in the attic Darlene: David we're through, I'm breaking up with you David: Gee, can we still not have sex

03-20-2004, 05:55 AM	#10
TGFNickAtNite Member Occasional Poster Join Date: Aug 27, 2003 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 70	Darlene: "Becky I can't see the tv" Becky: "Too bad" Darlene: "Well we got a 19 inch tv and you got a 25 inch butt" Darlene: "You said David wasn't gonna be around." Roseanne: "Oh, I thought you meant David Cassidy."
	Last edited by TGFNickAtNite; 03-20-2004 at 06:21 AM.

03-22-2004, 12:19 AM	#11
hughpuppies Melanie Bernhardt Forum Regular Join Date: Jan 13, 2004 Location: wished I was with the lady in the above picture Posts: 705	Roseanne: Go ahead and eat that peanut butter and give yourself another heart attack you fat cow. Dan: You calling me fat? Yes I am well if that isn't calling the kettle black. Roseanne: You calling me fat? Dan: Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.

03-22-2004, 12:40 AM	#12
cjmg85 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Mar 18, 2004 Location: Seattle, Washington, USA Posts: 228	To correct the above quote, after Roseanne says that thing to Dan about giving hisself another heart attack, Dan say: "Well if that ain't the big fat pot calling the kettle black" Roseanne: "You better not be calling me fat" Dan: "fat, fat, fat, fat, fat" At least that's how I remembered it to be.

04-16-2004, 01:26 AM	#13
TGFNickAtNite Member Occasional Poster Join Date: Aug 27, 2003 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 70	Darlene (To Roseanne): "You have such a big mouth." Roseanne: "No, I don't" (Pause) Roseanne: (yells LOUDLY) BECKY!!!!!

04-16-2004, 10:05 PM	#14
brainlesschild09 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Jan 03, 2004 Location: At the Computer Posts: 416	in response to the fat one, it was: Roseanne: you better not be callin ME fat Dan: Well thats what I'm doin: FAT! FAT! FAT FAT! Roseanne and Dan: FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT!

04-21-2004, 06:09 AM	#15
TGFNickAtNite Member Occasional Poster Join Date: Aug 27, 2003 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 70	Darlene: I got like fifty bucks you can borrow back... Becky: So what's in it for you? Darlene: Well, I lend you the money, interest-free, and then when I'm 16, we'd share the car Becky: You'd think I'd share a car with you? No way. Darlene: Well then forget, Junior Miss can take the bus till she's 40.