A Honeymooners XMas:

[Frank Gannucci]

A Honeymooners XMas:

(Ralph & Ed are still locked up in traffic gridlock.)

Ralph: “Boy, am I mad. Now we will never arrive at the XMas party and we may miss Christmas.”

(Ed blows his nose out of sadness.)

Ed: “Now, I will never get that new SpongeBob SquarePants t-shirt.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

(After gridlock, At 11p, they get stopped by a man. He was blocking their exit. Apparently Ralph mistakenly drove into a dmv parking lot and because their own exit was blocked, they used the entrance as their exit.)

Man: “Santa and his elf. What are you doing here?”

Ralph: “Never mind the wisecracks. I must’ve made a wrong turn.”

Man: “Sorry.”

(He allows them to leave.)

Man: “You better hurry and deliver your gifts.”

Ralph: “Wiseguy.”

(They leave.)

(Meanwhile, the girls are at the Kramden XMas party.)

Trixie: “Where are our two boys?”

Alice: “I’m getting worried.”

Trixie: “I hope that they didn’t get locked up due to speeding.”

Woman: “Where are your husbands? It’s almost 12a. The party is almost over. We need to exchange gifts.”

(Ralph & Ed come charging in.)

Ralph (yells): “HOHOHO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! EVEN YOU GARRITY!”

All (yell): “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

Ralph: “Let me tell you. We accidentally got locked in the mall by the security people who made a mistake. We were given jobs as Santa and his elf for one night only. We said yes because we didn’t want to upset the kids who were there. We were given these costumes for free.”

All: “Awww.”

Ralph: “Since we all brought our gifts, let’s exchange them but first, I want to say this. Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas.' Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

All: "Merry Christmas!"

(They all hug.)

(The curtain starts to close. Jackie stops it.)

Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character but we want to do this. Jean Kean.”

(Crowd cheers for Jean Kean.)

Jackie: “Audrey Meadows.”

(Crowd cheers for Audrey Meadows.)

Jackie: “Art Carney.”

(Crowd cheers for Art Carney.)

Jackie: “All right. Sammy Spear and everyone as you can see I am not like Ralph. I am not going to freeze while I am on stage. Hahaha! Let's all sing! let’s sing Jingle Bells.”

(Everyone laughs.)

All (singing): “Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way.
Bells on bob-tail ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, O
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
A day or two ago
I thought I’d take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side;
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot,
We got into a drifted bank
And there we got upsot.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, O
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
A day or two ago
The story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell;
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh
He laughed as there I sprawling lie
But quickly drove away.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, O
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh.
Now the ground is white,
Go it while you’re young,
Take the girls tonight
And sing this sleighing song.
Just get a bob-tailed bay,
Two-forty for his speed,
Then hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! You’ll take the lead.”

(Everyone cheers.)

Jackie (yells): "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE GREATEST AUDIENCES IN THE WORLD. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!"

(The crowd erupts with cheers.)