Honeymooners Episode Reviews: “Cottage For Sale” & “Lawsuit”:

[Frank Gannucci]

Honeymooners Episode Reviews: “Cottage For Sale” & “Lawsuit”:

Episode #71
TV: In two parts.
VCR: Attached to "Jellybeans."
DVD: Attached to "Hot Dog Stand", "Alice Plays Cupid" & "Jellybeans." On the Lost Episodes DVD Box Set it is attached to “Finger Man”, “Honeymooners Xmas Party” (’53 version), “New Year’s Eve Party”, “This Is Your Life” & “Honeymooners XMas Party” (‘53).
Air Date: Sat. 1/23/54.

"Cottage For Sale":

According to John K's Book, this episode is entitled: "Cottage For Four":

The VHS version I got with this episode I got for Christmas in 1996. It was the first lost episode commercial tape that I got. There was plenty more to follow.

This episode opens up with Alice and friends (including Trixie) playing cards. Two of the girsl sing: "Down by the old mill stream." My friend saw this part and he thought that those girls sang awful. I agree. Ed Norton comes in and scares the girls by saying: "The joint is raided." He thoguth for minute he saw the Claudettes. Ed asks Alice if Ralph told her about their big secret. Alice says no. Ed tries to help one of the girls but he ends up costing the girl the game. They were playing Bridge and he thought they were playing Gin Rummy. All of the girls leave (sans Trixie).

Ed keeps on talking about the big secret. The girls seem disinterested as they clean up. Ed: "I know you are champing at the bit to hear about it." Champing? Sounds like Art screwed up his line a little. Ed instantly blabs the secret when he says that both him and Ralph are going to buy a cottage for the four of us for $989. Alice: "You are going to buy wha for who and it's only going to cost how much?" Ed: "I can't tell you. It's a secret." Ha! Alice says it's another one of Ralph's dumb ideas. Ed: "Don't give him all the credit. It was partially my idea too." Ralph comes in and says hello to everybody. He even greeted Ed by saying: "Hi Ed!" One of the rare times he doesn't say "Norton." Ralph wants to surprise the girls by telling them his and Ed's secret. But he finds out that Ed beat him too it. Ralph (to Ed): "You dirty stool pigeon." Ed says that the girls dragged it out of him. Sure, they did. Ralph says that the cottage is part of "Paradise Acres." Ralph tries to explain the whole thing and since him and Norton are partners, that splits the cost to $494.50. Alice says that even with a $489.50 price, it's too expensive. Ralph is mad at Alice. The Nortons leave but not before Ed asks Ralph if right now is a good time about them buying a motor boat for next summer. Oh God! I can just see Ralph and Ed on a motorboat and falling into the water.

Ralph argues some more with Alice. He says that every year on a vacation, both him and Norton spend $100. Gee, either vacation prices were really low back then or Ralph and Norton went to some small town nearby and stayed there for one night. Ralph says with this cottage, he can spend five years of vacation money and they can have that place for the rest of their lives. Doesn't Ralph know that if you go to the same spot for an annual vacation every year that it might get a little boring as far as the destination's scenery goes? That's why many families don't go to the same spot for an annual vacation. Alice still says no because she wants to save it and if they are going to start spending any money, she wants to fix up her winter resort (aka the apartment). Ralph says that when he wanted to buy that TV set and then the car, he got that same response. Ralph: "All our lives, we will save $1,000, $2,000 and do you know what's going to happen Alice? Neither one of us will get sick and we will be stuck with the money." Ha! Alice says no again. Ralph goes into one of his "Boss of the House" speeches. He calls himself the General and now he is ordering Alice to give him the money. Alice's response? She puts a bowl on top of Ralph's head like an army helmet and "salutes" him. Alice: "Har-har-har!" Ralph then says he doesn't want the money now, he just wants Alice to take a look at that model cottage down there on 34th Street. She says: "Yes." Ed Norton comes back down and Ralph tells him that he is the master of the house but when Alice hears it, Ralph is humble.

At the model cottage, we see two shady businessmen. One of them is going to try to sell Ralph this $2,000 cottage. Ralph comes in and "Mr. Mosby" (played George Petrie), one of the shady businessmen comes and greets him while the other shady businessman says that he is a customer. He leaves and the Ralph brings in Ed, Alice and Trixie. They go nuts over the cottage. "Mr. Mosby" leaves and then everyone sees all of the features of the cottage. Ed falls asleep on one of the bunks of the bunk bed after laying there for only a minute. Trixie wakes him up by shutting the ice box door. Trixie: "I don't know how he could get unconscious so fast?" Ralph: "He's got a pretty good head start." Alice says that at $989, it's such a bargain and says that Ralph is right in getting the cottage. The girls leave and "Mr. Mosby" comes back in. Ralph says that he wants to chop of a few bucks off the $989. "Mr. Mosby" says that the cottage is $2,000. Ed: "Ralph, you got a load of chopping to do." "Mr. Mosby" says that he is going to do what he did for his mother. Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?" Mr. Mosby says that he will take out some of the modern features and that will save Ralph and Ed $1,000. He also says that Ralph, Ed, Alice and Trixie our "Paradise Acres'" kinds of people. He said that about them a number of times during this episode.

The first weekend, Ralph and Ed come and discover that the cottage they bought is a big lemon. Ralph: "$998, we have been robbed." Didn't the cottage cost $989? Sounds like Jackie mesed up his lines a bit. Ed says: "Maybe the girls won't notice the difference." The girls come in and the boys try to act all happy, but it doesn't work. Ed: "This cottage ain't such a bad place." Trixie: "Maybe not for a guy who spends most of his life in the sewer." Ralph says that him and Ed will have an easy time fixing this place up. Oh sure, they will. Alice says that all of them are going back home. Ralph: "When Norton and I come back next weekend to fix this place up so it looks beautiful, you'll be sorry." Don't you just love it when a person volunteers your services. Boy, I would have loved to see Ralph and Ed try to fix that place up and seeing them go through it in Ralph and Ed fashion. They would be on a "Trading Spaces" episode on how not to fix a place up. They leave.

They come back seconds later when the hear a wolf. Ralph says that he made a mistake and sarcastically says: "Go ahead and kill me." Alice: "Don't tempt me." It's cold so Ralph goes to the fire place to try to heat the place up, but there's no draft in the pipe. Ed bangs it black smoke comes out causing Ralph to cough. Ed: "I think Ralph is catching a cold." Ed says he sees firewood, so he goes over to get it and put it in the fire place. Ralph stops him. Ralph: "I don't need your help in making a fire. I know all about it." Ralph puts the wood in the fire place and puts kerosene from a lamp in there and puts a lit match in it. Within seconds, the fire place blows up and falls down. When that happens, a black screen comes on for a second. No one gets hurt. The audience applauds what just happened.

Trixie blames Ralph. Ralph blames Ed. Alice says that this whole mess is Ed's fault and Ralph's. Trixie: "My Ed has got more brains in his little finger than Ralph has got in his whole head." Ralph: "He's still an idiot." Basically Ralph, just called himself an idiot. The Kramdens leave and say that the Nortons will give them their $500 back.

Back at home, Ralph comes home from work and says to Alice about the ad he put in the paper about the cottage. A man is coming up to sign the papers so he can get the cottage. Ralph is still mad at Ed while Alice and Trixie have made up. Ralph: "Ed is not my kind of people." Ralph says that he has plenty of friends and they reason why they don't ask him out anywhere is because Ralph always hangs out with Norton. Ralph: "I got 50 over at the bus depot, 50 over at the lodge, 50 over at the pool hall. There's 100 right there." Seems to me that's 150. The Nortons come in while Ralph and Ed try their best to not see each other and talk to each other.

The man comes in and he is ready to sign the papers after he has seen the cottage. The man says that $1,000 is a good price for the cottage. Ralph and Norton make up. Ralph gets the papers and he writes down his signature while Ed writes down his. (The man needed both Ralph and Ed's signatures.) Ed even did his own warming up bit before writing his name down and Ralph did not yell at him because of that. That's rare. Ralph (to Ed): "You certainly got a nice hand." The man puts down his signature and leaves. All of the gang thinks they have gotten away with a fast one. until the man comes back and says that he is selling the cottage to the state for $4,000. Not something that Ralph, Alice, Ed and Trixie wanted to hear. Ed is angry at Ralph for putting the ad in the paper and Ralph is angry at Ed. Ralph: "Alice, tell Ed that he is not my kind of people."

Episode #72
TV: Attached to "What's The Name."
VCR: Attached to "Battle of The Sexes."
DVD: Attached to "Great Jewel Robbery", "Guest Speaker" & "Honeymooners Valentine." On the Lost Episodes DVD Box Set, it is attached to “Fortune Teller”, “The Next Champ”, “Stand-In For Murder” (’54 version), “Move Uptown” & “The Man In The Blue Suit.”
Air Date: Sat. 1/27/54.

"Lawsuit";

If you watch this episode on TV, you'll notice that the title of the episode appears on screen with no music, just Ralph (yelling to Alice): "Alice, what are you doing?" If you watch this episode on VHS/DVD, the episode title comes on screen with music. Also, if you watch this episode on VHS/DVD, you will notice a big white line on the right. If you watch this episode on TV, most of the time the picture is cropped so the line won't be visible. Alice is cleaning the window. Ralph comes out with a cast around his broken leg. Jackie did break his leg once during his variety show several weeks prior to making this episode. So during this episode, his leg really was injured. That might have served as inspiration for this episode. Alice complains that all she has done in the past six weeks is wait on Ralph hand and foot. So, Ralph says that will stop. If he can't get something, he will do without it. That lasts for a few seconds. Typical Ralph. Ralph says that after he sues the bus company for $10,000, he will get some money to use for spending. Imagine, in "The Safety Award", Ralph says he had no accidents on the bus. Alice says that after this ridiculous lawsuit, Ralph will have no job. Ralph: "With the money I will have left over, I will be a millionaire." Doesn't Ralph know that when you sue someone, you are supposed to use the money to pay off the injury so to speak and Ralph must stink at Math for him to think he will be a millionaire with the money he will have left over. Ralph explains the whole accident. It was raining and the windshield wipers weren't working and because of that, he got into an accident. It was the bus company's responsibility to make sure that the wipers work. Ralph says with the dough, he will open up a grocery store in Jersey City. Hey, that's my mom's old hometown. Ralph: "We will be living on Easy Street just because I broke my leg. I must be the luckiest guy in the world." Sure, he's lucky.

Ralph tries to get up so he can put some weight on his broken leg when Ed Norton comes in. Ralph explains that he is trying to put some weight on his broken leg. Ed: "You are just the boy that can do it." Ed cracks wall nuts when Ralph is doing this so Ralph thinks he broke his leg again and when he hears that was Ed cracking wall nuts, he gets mad at Ed. Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed says he got off the phone with a lawyer and explained the whole case to him. According to the lawyer, the case is perfect. Ralph explains that to Alice and she says she will buy a mink coat. Ralph: "She is just jealous because I have the broken leg."

Ed explains an accident he had in the sewer once. A manhole cover fell on his head and since he couldn't prove it did any damage, the layers said he had no case. He also explains a similar situation that happened to a family member he knows. His story is so whacked that Ralph thinks that every member of his family should drive off to Bellevue. A claims adjuster from the bus company comes and offers Ralph back pay for the time he missed while recuperating and complete payment of his medical bills, but Ralph refuses the offer. Ed says that a person he knows had a situation that is similar to what happened to Ralph. That person stubbed his toe on the edge of the Grand Canyon. Ha! Ralph says that he is suing. The claim adjuster leaves and wishes Ralph good luck. Ed says that Ralph has got his broken leg. He tries to hit it softly but ends up hurting Ralph.

Alice comes back. She saw and talked to the claim adjuster. This is the dumbest thing that Ralph ever did. Ralph: "You won't be saying that when we are living on Park Avenue." Alice: "I thought you were going to open a grocery store in Jersey." Ralph: "I'll commute." The lawyer comes in (he is played by George Petrie). The lawyer explains he whole case to everyone but says that the fault of the accident rests on the driver's shoulders. D'oh! Not something Ralph wanted to hear. Ralph explains that he was the driver. The lawyer, shocked leaves. Ed leaves too. Ralph has no case after all, and, after kicking the adjuster out of the apartment, maybe no job either. Ed leaves.

Ralph apologizes to Alice. As Ralph is talking, you can tell the condition of the audio of the film is bad. Why? Ralph is talking and you can tell that that's not his normal voice. Ralph even says that he has been injured for six months when Alice just said that he has been injured for six weeks. Sounds like Jackie messed up his lines and when he did, Audrey's eyes light up. Anyway, Alice forgives Ralph. They hug and kiss.

I should point out that on the VHS/DVD version during the final seconds that while Ralph was talking, you can barely hear him and Alice talk. It seems like a person was hitting a Mute button. If you watch this episode on TV however, the audio is better but you can tell it's overdubbed not only during the final seconds but as well as when Ralph is talking to Ed when Ed reveals that Ralph has a perfect case. Jackie & Audrey must have overdubbed this episode when this episode was released because their voices sound older. It was that during this overdub, that Jackie made a blooper and said six months instead of six weeks. Six months? Seems like an awful long time to recover from a broken leg, doesn't it? The reason why the overdubs didn’t make it onto the VHS/DVD is because Viacom made the edits and not MPI.

Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, the now defunct tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, the now defunct Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.

[Frank Gannucci]

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