8.10 Two in the Cuckoo's Nest

[BeatleMoe]

Scene opens at Sugarbaker's. Claudia and Mary Jo are on the sofa chatting. She has come home for spring break. Carlene is sitting there in awe of meeting this young girl.
MARY JO: So, how is college life been treating you?
CLAUDIA: Well, it's been quite a trip, Mom. It's much different. Of course, my second year has been easier.
MARY JO: That's good.
CARLENE: This is my second year in college, too!
CLAUDIA: That's nice, Carlene. Mom, she reminds me of Charlene so much.
MARY JO: Yeah, I know.
Julia and Payne enter the house...
PAYNE: So, anyway, grad school has been very challenging.
JULIA: Well, you were always so smart anyway. You can handle the challenge. Hello, Mary Jo, Carlene, Claudia.
ALL BUT JULIA: Hello, Payne.
JULIA: Can you believe that Payne is getting a coorporate job in New York?
CLAUDIA: Why not? I think he's just talented.
PAYNE: Thanks, Claudia. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go over to Aunt Suzanne's house to help Anthony with the new baby room. I owe him for the ride from the airport. (exits)
CLAUDIA: Oh, wait, Payne, I'll help! (exits)
MARY JO: You know, I am just so proud of Payne. I wish I had a son like him.
JULIA: I wish I had a daughter like Claudia. She would make a fine designer. It is so amazing that she is going to school to do interior decorating.
MARY JO: Why not? She's had enough exposure here!
enter Suzanne, with a cigarette, and Bernice.
CARLENE: Suzanne! What are you doing with a cigarette?
SUZANNE: I'm waiting for the blindfold so I can have a proper education.
MARY JO: "Execution."
SUZANNE: Whatever!
MARY JO: You know, that was almost a clever remark until she said education.
BERNICE: Well, this puppy is ready to bark! I can't stand another damn minute with her in the car!
JULIA: Suzanne, what is your problem.
SUZANNE: Okay, Julia, if you must know, that hooker wife of Anthony's is totally rearranging my home. She is too damn bitchy for starters. She doesn't like anything. And I think she treats Anthony horribly.
MARY JO: Oh, it must be that nesting instinct of hers.
SUZANNE: Mary Jo, I am not talking about birds, I am talking about Etienne and this horrible PMS she is suffering.
JULIA: Suzanne, she is nesting. That's what that's called. It's not PMS. It's called a pregancy; something that's ten times worse than PMS. Plus, she's having twins.
SUZANNE: Big woo!
Later that night, Anthony stops by.
ANTHONY: I don't think that I can last another minute with that crazy woman.
JULIA: Where is Etienne now?
ANTHONY: She's out in the car. It has been quite a day. We got the nursery all painted, and then a couple guest rooms.
MARY JO: Where are Payne and Claudia?
ANTHONY: I guess that they're still there.
JULIA: Well, I think that I'll go over there and see how they're doing.
MARY JO: I am going home. Carlene, you wanna ride along?
CARLENE: Oh sure.
Scene transitions to Mary Jo's house.
MARY JO: I see that Payne gave Claudia a lift home.
CARLENE: Well, I am going to go use the bathroom. (She goes upstairs. A few seconds later, a scream. Mary Jo turns to run upstairs, and meets up with Carlene in Claudia's room. There, Claudia and Payne are in bed.)
MARY JO: Oh my God.
CLAUDIA: Mom!
PAYNE: Mary Jo!
soon, Julia walks in the room
JULIA: Suzanne said that Payne drove...her...home. Her jaw drops.
To be continued...

[BeatleMoe]

JULIA: Payne McIlroy, you get out of that bed this minute!
MARY JO: Claudia, you get of this bed now!
CARLENE: Y'all, I think that we should turn our backs...
JULIA AND MARY JO: Shut up Carlene!
CARLENE: Fine.
Scene transitions to Sugarbaker's the next day.
ANTHONY: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
CARLENE: Anthony, what's wrong?
ANTHONY: I am just waiting for that woman to pop. She's just got another two months to go! But, I can't be perfect! I feel like I am married to Cybil.
SUZANNE: Well, she does have quite a split personality. Carlene, have you talked to Mary Jo?
CARLENE: No, but she seems to think that old Payne seduced her.
SUZANNE: Well, Julia believes that Claudia seduced him.
CARLENE: What do you think Anthony?
ANTHONY: I think that they pretty much seduced each other. I mean they were all in that paint.
enters Mary Jo.
CARLENE: How ya doin Mary Jo?
MARY JO: Oh, terrific.
SUZANNE: Well, that didn't sound terrific, It sounded sarcastic.
MARY JO: It was Suzanne. Jeez, I would have thought that Julia would have raised her son right.
JULIA: (coming down the stairs) Excuse me, but I would like to point out the hereditary trait that maybe Claudia just goes for the first man she sees.
MARY JO: What are you saying, Julia?
JULIA: I am saying she's easy.
MARY JO: Yeah, well Payne can't be responsible to stay married.
JULIA: Well, I guess that's a good enough excuse to roll around in the hay with your daughter. She seems to be loose enough.
(Claudia enters on that line)
CLAUDIA: Well! I can't believe that! You think I am a tramp? You think that I am slutty? Well let me tell you something Mrs. Sugarbaker, Payne was my first! He's special to me, just like he's special to all of us. But I could never be good enough for him because I am six years younger than him. Well, my memory isn't dull either, because I can recall him dating someone twenty years older than him. Goodbye! (slams the door)
JULIA: Oh, my word. I can't believe what I just said.
SUZANNE: Oh, it doesn't surprise me that you would say something like that. You like to speak your mind. It's one of your good qualities.
MARY JO: And one of her faults! I am turning my two weeks!
To be continued...

[BeatleMoe]

Next day
CARLENE: Julia, you just can't let Mary Jo quit. This is all she has.
SUZANNE: She's got a tramp daughter too.
JULIA: Suzanne, that's enough.
SUZANNE: Oh come on Julia! When do we ever agree with each other? Claudia had no right dogging on Payne about seeing an older woman. She dated that thirty-four year old man. Of course, Mary Jo did too.
ANTHONY: Well, personally, I don't think that you should interfere with Payne's social life. I mean, he might just love Claudia.
JULIA: Well, I don't think you should interfere, Anthony! In fact, I think you should keep your opinions to yourself. (heads into the store room; Mary Jo enters crying)
MARY JO: God, this is awful!
CARLENE: What is it, Mary Jo?
MARY JO: Payne and Claudia are eloping! (Julia pops out of the store room)
JULIA: Excuuuse me?
BERNICE: Oh goody, a wedding! I've always wanted to be a flower girl!
ANTHONY: Mary Jo, are you sure?
MARY JO: Yes, they're headed down to the First United Methodist church now!
scene changes to the church
PAYNE: You told your mom right?
CLAUDIA: Yes, I did. Hopefully she told your mom, too. I am sorry what I said to her.
PAYNE: It's all right. I hope this plan works.
(The ladies, except Suzanne, and Anthony all rush in)
JULIA: Payne! Stop.
PAYNE: No, Mother, I don't think so.
MARY JO: Claudia, you come home right now!
CLAUDIA: No, mom. Listen, you two. We are not getting married.
BERNICE: Damn!
CARLENE: Uh, Bernice, watch language; we're in a church.
BERNICE: Well, I don't see why the hell I'm here. I was hoping that the pimp and his sugar mama were going to get henpecked.
CLAUDIA: Mom, Payne and I are grown adults. The fact is he and I have secretly been seeing each other now for the last few months.
PAYNE: Yeah, Mother. I love her with all of my heart.
JULIA: Well, you shouldn't have loved her all over Mary Jo's bedroom.
CLAUDIA: Okay, that was disrespectful, and we're sorry for that. And while I'm apologizing, I'm sorry for saying those things to you Mrs. Sugarbaker.
JULIA: I owe you an apology. I'm very happy for you both. Oh, my goodness, Mary Jo I am so sorry.
MARY JO: I am so sorry Julia. (both women hug) I'm not going to quit!
BERNICE: Well, I'm glad that's settled. Now, let's get the hell out of here! I don't like being here when there's no wedding.
END