Just Ask Bartender Bob

[stevea]

Dear Bartender Bob:

I'm a ten year old kid and i have a problem. My mother has come back into town (my father has custody of me) and she wants me to come live with her.

Right now I live in a house with some strange goings-on. That's kinda off the subject but some of it isn't, since my mother occasionally visits, and I hear her fighting with my father. He leaves, upset, and I sometimes hide so they don't see me. She stays around after he leaves, and I watch her stare at the fire in the fireplace. And stare and stare and stare.

Bob it's like she's in a trance and she scares me and I don't know what to do. I really like my governess and I think I'd really miss her if i went with my mother. I'd really like to marry my governess and live happily ever after.

What should I do, Bob? Come have a drink at your bar? Maybe that would help.

Signed,
Confused Boy

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by stevea

Dear Bartender Bob:

I'm a ten year old kid and i have a problem. My mother has come back into town (my father has custody of me) and she wants me to come live with her.

Right now I live in a house with some strange goings-on. That's kinda off the subject but some of it isn't, since my mother occasionally visits, and I hear her fighting with my father. He leaves, upset, and I sometimes hide so they don't see me. She stays around after he leaves, and I watch her stare at the fire in the fireplace. And stare and stare and stare.

Bob it's like she's in a trance and she scares me and I don't know what to do. I really like my governess and I think I'd really miss her if i went with my mother. I'd really like to marry my governess and live happily ever after.

What should I do, Bob? Come have a drink at your bar? Maybe that would help.

Signed,
Confused Boy

Dear Confused Boy:

Surely can't advise a minor to come to the Blue Whale. Save that money, and buy yourself a nice issue of this months Car Maintenance Magazine. I think you'll find something in it quite to your liking.

Don't waste your time on the Governess, by the time you're of age, she'll be an old spinster. Let her down easy, she'll understand. Oh, wait... she never understands anything.

Your mom is hot, tell her I said Hi. No, seriously... she's an insane, evil creature of the underworld. Ask your friend in the portrait what to do.

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

Been having these really weird, disturbing dreams. Every night of the full moon, I go into convulsions and then black out. I wake up the next morning, often in a strange place. Sometimes, when I wake up, my clothing is torn and bloody.

What's happening to me? What can I do about it?

Signed,

Clawing for a solution

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

Been having these really weird, disturbing dreams. Every night of the full moon, I go into convulsions and then black out. I wake up the next morning, often in a strange place. Sometimes, when I wake up, my clothing is torn and bloody.

What's happening to me? What can I do about it?

Signed,

Clawing for a solution

Dear Clawing:

You know... I don't know where you've been hanging out, but in our Blue Whale, we shut you off after four Long Island Iced Teas.

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, my Cousin, who's always bringing me unwanted and inappropriate gifts, has outdone himself this time. He recently returned from a trip to the West Indies, and brought me yet another gift. I don't want to seem ungrateful or unkind, but I just don't think I'll ever find any good use for a preserved 17th Century Warlock's Head.

I can't return it, as I'm sure he didn't save the receipt. Should I regift it to someone next April Fool's Day, or what?

Signed,

No Body to turn to

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, my Cousin, who's always bringing me unwanted and inappropriate gifts, has outdone himself this time. He recently returned from a trip to the West Indies, and brought me yet another gift. I don't want to seem ungrateful or unkind, but I just don't think I'll ever find any good use for a preserved 17th Century Warlock's Head.

I can't return it, as I'm sure he didn't save the receipt. Should I regift it to someone next April Fool's Day, or what?

Signed,

No Body to turn to

Dear No Body to turn to:

Just throw it off the cliff at Widows Hill. I'm sure that's the last you'll ever see of it.

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob: Did what you suggested. I no sooner get back home, and the evil thing is there waiting for me. How do I get rid of this thing once and for all?

Signed,

Wanting to lose my head

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob: Did what you suggested. I no sooner get back home, and the evil thing is there waiting for me. How do I get rid of this thing once and for all?

Signed,

Wanting to lose my head

Dear Wanting to lose my head:

Shove it in microwave. Three minutes on High ought to do it. Don't even bother to open the microwave afterward. Just wrap it up, and send it, Postage Due, to Justin Bieber.

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

How many bricks, and how much mortar, to wall over a 4' X 8' alcove in a dark basement?

Signed,

Asking For a Friend

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

How many bricks, and how much mortar, to wall over a 4' X 8' alcove in a dark basement?

Signed,

Asking For a Friend

Dear Asking For a Friend:

Just wing it. A good walling up should be spontaneous. Turn it into a party... A cask of amontillado, and some music for the occasion (perhaps Tales of Mystery and Imagination, by The Alan Parsons Project).

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

Twenty years ago, I accidentally sold something of great value to me, to a fast talking stranger in your bar. Turns out, he was a member of a demonic cult. Is this contract actually enforceable?

Signed,

In Too Deep

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

Twenty years ago, I accidentally sold something of great value to me, to a fast talking stranger in your bar. Turns out, he was a member of a demonic cult. Is this contract actually enforceable?

Signed,

In Too Deep

Dear In Too Deep:

Lol! If I had a shot of Windsor Canadian for everytime one our colorful locals pulled that old "wanna sell you soul" gag on someone in our Blue Whale, I'd be as preserved as Sam Evans. Forget about it.

By the way, tell your daughter happy twenty -first... and, Oberon & Haza say "Hi."

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

My friend, and I, recently discovered a very old telephone, while playing in the attic of my family home. The phone appears to be from the late Victorian Era, and we've been having some odd conversations with another person. Bob, how is it we're able to talk with him even though the wire leading from the phone appears to have been cut years ago?

Signed,
A Bit Worried

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

My friend, and I, recently discovered a very old telephone, while playing in the attic of my family home. The phone appears to be from the late Victorian Era, and we've been having some odd conversations with another person. Bob, how is it we're able to talk with him even though the wire leading from the phone appears to have been cut years ago?

Signed,
A Bit Worried

Dear A Bit Worried:

LOL! Maybe you've been talking to a ghost... Or, maybe you shouldn't be getting into the liquor cabinet. Don't want to end up like your aunt, do ya?

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, I've been romantically pursuing this certain man for quite a while now, seems like centuries. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure the feelings are mutual.

The man in question seduced me, then soon after became engaged to my friend. I managed to regain him, only to have him shoot me on our wedding night. Then, three nights later, he strangled me. For many years, he's had a habit of necking with every woman he meets.

If I didn't know better, I'd say his feelings are ambivalent. Should I just forget this blood-sucking cad, or keep trying?

Signed,

Really Old Maid