The Big Happy Family - Episode 5: The Greatest Hits of All Time

[TVLegend]

CAST:

Penny Lane - Doris Haney Carson
Chad22 - William “Billy” Carson
Wawwie - Andrea Shelton
IllinoisTVFan - Shirley Haney
Child Actor - Kyle Carson
Child Actress - Willow Carson

GUEST CAST:

Bonniegirl - Clara Carson McCarter
Theda Bara - Dana Carson Brooks
opus - Thaddeus “Tad” Brooks
Dude111 - Arnie Knight
_______________________________________________________________

*As we open, Shirley is shown in the living room, on the phone*

Shirley (on the phone): Hello? Well, hey, Daisy! How have you been? Yeah, she’s awake. She’s upstairs. Well, alright.

*Shirley takes the phone from her ear*

Shirley (on the phone): Doris! Daisy wants-

Doris (upstairs): WHAT?! WHAT IS IT?!

Shirley (on the phone): I was saying that Daisy wants to-

Doris (upstairs): My name’s not Daisy!

Shirley (on the phone): No! Your sister-in-law, Daisy is on the phone and she wants to talk to you!

Doris (upstairs): Well, tell her call the house then!

*Shirley smacks her lips*

Shirley (on the phone, frustrated): Will you just get down here?!

*Shirley puts the phone back to her ear*

Shirley (on the phone): Yeah, Daisy. She’s coming. She’s coming.

*Doris comes downstairs and approaches Shirley*

Doris: Did Daisy call yet?

Shirley: Doris, please shut up and take this phone. She’s on the phone now.

*Shirley hands the phone to Doris and Doris has a seat on the couch*

Doris (on the phone): Hello? Oh, hey, Daisy. How you been, love? Well, that’s good.

*Doris nods her head*

Doris (on the phone): Yeah, I’m doing just fine. Thanks for asking.

*Doris shakes her head*

Doris (on the phone): No, I didn’t have no heart attack. Who told you that B.S.? My sugar was low. Yeah. Well, ya know us “diabeticals” gotta watch our sugar. That thing ain’t no joke. It could bite you like a snake in heat. Well, that’s nice that you were praying for me. Just lovely. Oh, you wanna pray NOW? Well, go ahead, sweetie. You go and pray for me. Lord knows I could use it.

*Doris takes the phone from her ear and places it on her lap*

Shirley (confused): Doris, what are you doing?

Doris: I’m letting Daisy pray for me.

Shirley (confused): Well, why is the phone in your lap?

Doris: Now, Shirl. You know damn well that whenever Daisy goes on one of her praying fits and praying spells or whatever, it is best to ignore her. That woman is unbearable with all that loud B.S. That just gets on my nerves. It makes my blood sugar want to get HIGH.

Shirley: Doris, you oughta be ashamed. You should be glad that you have a sister-in-law that cares about you and wishes you well.

Doris: She don’t have any power. She’s beyond weak. Watch this. I’m gon’ prank her.

*Doris puts the phone back to her ear*

Doris (on the phone): Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I feel him working his magic all throughout my soul and spirit right now!

*Doris laughs*

Doris (on the phone, talking to Shirley): That old biddy’s actually crying!

*Shirley smacks her lips*

Shirley: Doris, that’s enough. Cut that out.

Doris (on the phone): Oh, that was beautiful, Daisy. Just lovely. Wait, what? No, I don’t have $50! What the hell’s the matter with you?! Well, talk to God. Ask him for 50 bucks and see what he says. Oh, shut the hell up and go take your Alzheimer’s medicine!

*Doris hangs up the phone and puts it back on the hook*

Doris (under her breath): Stupid ass.

CUT TO: Opening Credits


*Billy and Andrea are shown in Billy’s bedroom, sitting together on his bed. The washing machine in there is really loud*

Andrea: Baby, have I ever told you just how much I love you?

Billy: No. Why don’t you tell me now…with a kiss?

*Andrea smiles*

Andrea: It would be my pleasure…daddy.

*Billy laughs*

Billy: I like it when you call me that, missy.

*Andrea wraps her arms around Billy and gives him a kiss*

Andrea: Oh, what the hell?

*Andrea lays down on the bed and pulls Billy in as they start making out*

Andrea: Oh, Billy!

Billy: Oh, Andrea!

Andrea: Oh, Billy!

Billy: Oh, Andrea!

Andrea: F*ck me!

Billy: Your wish is my command.

*Billy takes his shirt and t-shirt off while Andrea unfastens his belt for him and throws it on the floor. Billy leans in and starts kissing Andrea on the neck and works his way down to her thigh.

Andrea: Stop!

*Andrea stops Billy and pushes him off*

Billy: Well, what’s wrong, missy?

Andrea: William, that damn washing machine is louder than your mama. Now that’s saying something.

Billy: Nevermind about the washing machine. I’m focused on you right now.

*Billy gives Andrea a kiss*

Andrea: Stop it! Billy, there’s no way I can do this with that washing machine making all that noise. It’s beyond irritating.

Billy: I know, honey. I know.

Andrea: Billy, I wish you would get a place of your own so that we wouldn’t have to put up with the noisy washing machine coming between our love making, or Kyle walking in on us and fainting, or your mama walking in and threatening to turn the hose on us.

Billy: I get it, Andrea. I get where you’re coming from. But I’m gonna be at mama’s for a while now, so you’re gonna have to accept it.

Andrea: It’s gonna be pretty hard accepting having sex in a utility room.

Billy: Say, how about we go to your house and get it on in the shed?

*Andrea shakes her head*

Andrea: Oh, no. There’s no way I’m doing that. Especially after the last time we had shed sex and that wasp came outta nowhere and bit me in the butt!

Billy: I got a great idea. Let’s try rolling around ON TOP of the washing machine so we can see if we can stop the noise.

Andrea: Are you dumb or stupid?

*Billy shrugs his shoulders*

Billy: Gee, that’s a tricky one. I didn’t realize this was multiple choice.

*Andrea rolls her eyes*

Billy: I know what I can do to make up for the sucky washing machine. Just stay right here. I’m gonna go in the kitchen and get the ketchup, whipped cream, syrup, and peanut butter.

Andrea: Billy, I’m not hungry.

Billy: Now, Andrea. You should know your man well enough by now. You know I’m not trying to feed you a meal. I’m trying to feed me a meal.

Andrea (confused): Say what now?

Billy: Andrea, do you wanna play “Touch Andrea’s Toes” or not?

Andrea: Oh, baby! You’re a lifesaver!

Billy: I know!

*Billy gets off the bed and leaves the room, heading to the kitchen*

Andrea (in the bedroom): Get the hot sauce too, honey!

Billy: Oh, sure thing, missy!

*Billy’s about to collect all the condiments when yelling and screaming is heard in the other room*

Doris (in the living room): You better change that damn channel back!

Willow (in the living room): I better not!

Doris (in the living room): You bring your disrespectful behind here!

Shirley (in the living room): Don’t kill her, Doris! Don’t kill her!

*Billy leaves the kitchen and rushes into the living room where Doris is shown sitting in one of the armchairs with a belt in her hand. Willow is standing in front of her while Kyle and Shirley are shown sitting on the couch. Kyle is on his phone*

Billy: Hey, hey! What’s going on in here?!

Doris (angrily): Your daughter changed the channel without my permission and is refusing to turn it back, so I’m gonna whoop the daylights outta her without HER permission.

Willow (frustrated yet very scared): Oh, no, you don’t!

Doris (angrily): Oh, yes, I will!

*Doris is getting ready to spank Willow before Billy stops her and takes the belt out of her hand*

Billy: Mama, I’ve told you before that I don’t believe in spanking.

Doris (angrily): Well, guess what, Billy?! This is MY house, and I DO believe in spanking!

Billy (frustrated): Mama, I’m not gonna do this! Now, I wish you’d respect my wishes!

Doris (angrily): Billy, shut up and get out of my sight!

Shirley: Doris, that is his kid and if he don’t want nobody spanking her, then maybe you should just let her be. And you need to rest your nerves. You just had that blood sugar scare.

Kyle (entertained) This is great! I should record this!

Doris and Billy (in unison): Shut up, Kyle!

Kyle (under his breath): Well, it was just a thought.

Billy: You’re NOT hitting Willow, mama.

Doris (angrily): Billy, shut up before I hit YOU!

*Billy smacks his lips*

Billy: Mama, we have went over this. I have told you. “Whooping ass” is not necessary. All it takes in a situation like this is a nice, simple talk with the child. Children are our future.

Doris (angrily): Well, why should I talk to her when the belt could do that for me?!

Billy (ignoring Doris): Willow, please turn the channel back and be considerate of your grandma, and your brother, and your great aunt.

Willow: No.

*Willow sticks her tongue out at Billy*

Doris: I believe it’s time to resort to the ass devouring. Hand over the belt.

Billy: No!

*Andrea enters the living room and approaches Billy*

Andrea (talking to Billy): Baby, what are you doing? I’m waiting on you to massage my feet with your tongue. Only you can do it how I like it.

*Andrea winks at Billy*

Doris (disgusted): Go home, Andrea!

Billy: Don’t listen to mama, Andrea. I’m coming.

Doris (disgusted): I SAID GO HOME, ANDREA!

Billy: Stay, Andrea!

Doris: Go, Andrea!

Billy: Stay, Andrea!

Doris: Go, Andrea!

Billy: Stay, Andrea!

Andrea: I am GOING. I’ll talk to you later, baby.

*Andrea grabs her jacket from off the couch and puts it on and also grabs her purse before leaving*

Doris: Billy, why must you always get your way?

*The next day, Doris is shown cleaning in the living room when the doorbell rings*

Doris: Come in!

*Clara enters the house with a necklace box in her hand. She also has on sunglasses*

Doris: Well, hey, baby.

Clara (in a seemingly depressed tone): Hey, mama. I just came to bring back your diamond necklace.

*Clara places the necklace box on the coffee table*

Clara (in a seemingly depressed tone): Well, I guess I’ll be going.

Doris: Well, Clara, what’s wrong? You sound upset.

Clara (in a seemingly depressed tone): I’m alright.

Doris: Well, are you sure?

Clara (now aggravated): Mama, I said I was alright! Now leave it alone!

*Clara walks out of the house and slams the door behind her*

Doris (confused): Well, what’s the matter with her?

*Later, Doris and Shirley are shown sitting on the couch, watching TV. Doris is eating a piece of chocolate*

Woman (on TV): Claretha, that man is the one my husband wanted for the job!

Another Woman (on TV): Your excuses are almost as pathetic as your so-called marriage to Mr. Sanford. They got many other contractors in town, Jada! And I refuse to believe that you are suffering so like you’re telling me! You have been cheating on Mr. Sanford with that contractor man, Jada! Just admit it!

Woman (on TV) Your assumption is WAY off, Claretha! You’re talking crazy right now!

*The doorbell rings*

Doris: Well, I wonder who that could be at this hour.

*Doris gets up and answers the door. At the door when she opens it is Dana, who has bags and a suitcase in her hands*

Doris: Well, Dana. What you doing here?

Dana: I’ll tell ya. Just let me in first. My hands are tied, as you can see.

*Doris lets Dana in and closes the door behind her. As soon as Dana enters the living room, she drops all her bags and her suitcase on the floor*

Shirley: Well, hello, my beautiful niece.

Dana: Hey, Aunt Shirley.

Doris (confused): Well, Dana, what the hell ya think you’re doing with all that stuff?

Dana: I have left Tad, mama…for good.

Shirley (shocked): What?

Doris: Oh, lord. Please tell me ya’ll haven’t gotten into another one of them fights.

Dana: Yup. We sure did. And this time, I ain’t making up with him if he becomes the last ignorant jackass on Earth.

*Dana has a seat in one of the armchairs while Doris sits back down on the couch*

Dana: First of all, Brandy Riley called me about a month ago and she said that she heard that Tad was going into a certain…body shop, you could say. Well, at first, I didn’t believe her, ‘cause you know she likes to repeat gossip that ain’t true. But, this afternoon, she texted me, and she said that she saw Tad going into this said body shop that he was accused of going into before. Well, I was done with this slander, and I told her to prove it, or otherwise I wasn’t gon’ believe what she was saying at all. Well, about 30 minutes later, she’s in my driveway, in her car, and she takes me over to Tad’s shoe store. Well, just as we make it there, I see Tad leaving the shoe store, he didn’t see me and Brandy, though. So, me and Brandy follow him, and then, we see him…

*Dana notices that Doris has her eyes glued to the TV and isn’t paying attention to her*

Dana (frustrated): Well, are you listening to a word that I’m saying or are you caught up in that damn TV show?!

Doris: Dana, will you leave me alone?! Me and Shirley was catching The Story of Us in peace before you came in here and started flapping your gums! And it’s about to go off! In case you didn’t know, that black lady that’s the maid for The Sanfords has finally found out that Jada’s been cheating on Mr. Sanford with the contractor man! And Mr. Sanford don’t even know!

Dana (frustrated): Mama, this is a rerun! And Mr. Sanford’s already found out! Him and that Jada girl have been divorced!

Doris (angrily): Well, thanks a lot, Dana! Now I might as well turn this sh*t off!

*Doris grabs the remote from off the couch and changes the channel before putting the remote back*

Shirley: Well, Doris, I might’ve wanted to watch the last 7 minutes.

Doris (angrily): Oh, shut up! Anyway, Dana, what do you and Tad have to do with me?

Dana: Well, since me and Tad ain’t on speaking terms, and I have left him, I was thinking that I could stay with you for the time being.

*Doris gets up*

Doris: I am going upstairs. If you’re still down here by the time I come back down, you’re gonna be in for the smack of your life.

*Doris goes upstairs. A few days later, Doris, Billy, Shirley, Kyle, and Willow are shown sitting at the kitchen table while Dana’s fixing breakfast*

Billy: Dana, how long do you plan on staying?

Dana: Well, until I find a nice apartment in town, and move on with my life once and for all, I say about a month or two, or even a year.

Doris: Now, Dana, I’m sure you don’t wanna stay with us for that long.

Dana: Ya know, mama, you do raise a good point.

Doris: I know I do.

Dana: On second thought, I might throw all of you out and have this place to myself.

Doris: The hell you say.

Dana: Breakfast is ready!

*Dana places a plate of food in front of Billy*

Billy: Well, what is this?

Dana: Frozen waffles with strawberries, figs, and broccoli, love.

Billy (disgusted): Eww!

Dana (offended): You don’t like the breakfast I made for you, my only baby brother?

Billy (lying): I mean…yums! Absolutely delicious! I can’t wait to chip my teeth on this!

*Dana places a bowl of food in front of Shirley*

Dana: Here’s your wheatgrass stew, Aunt Shirl.

Shirley: What’s that creamy white stuff in there?

Dana: Toothpaste.

*Shirley has a disgusted look on her face*

Shirley (disgusted): What are you smoking because I want some of it?

*Dana laughs*

Dana: You are SO funny, Aunt Shirl.

Shirley (disgusted): And so is this big bowl of white dog dookie.

*Dana places a plate of food in front of Kyle*

Dana: Nacho Cheese Doritos covered in powered sugar for you, Kyle.

*Kyle has a disgusted look on his face while Dana places a plate of food in front of Willow*

Dana: And a nutritious Froot Loop sandwich for you, Willow.

Willow (disgusted): I’d rather eat myself.

Doris (sarcastic): What’s for me, fried teeth?

*Dana shakes her head*

Dana: No, mama. For you, it is gonna be baked oatmeal and ketchup.

*Dana places a bowl of food in front of Doris while Doris shakes her head in disgust*

Doris (disgusted): What the hell is with this prison food?!

Dana (offended): Do you not like my food?

Doris (disgusted): Well, hell, Dana. The animals at the zoo are fed better stuff than this crap! I just went through some low blood sugar, do you want me to die of starvation?!

Dana (offended): Well, I’m trying my best with the breakfast, here! I thought ya’ll would like it!

Billy (disgusted): Umm, no time for breakfast. I don’t wanna be late for work. Go upstairs and get ready for school, kids.

*Kyle and Willow rush upstairs while Billy rushes into his room*

Shirley (disgusted): Umm, I don’t wanna be late for finishing this…lovely food, so I gotta go.

*Shirley rushes out of the room*

Dana: Well, mama, ain’t you gon’ eat your breakfast?

Doris: Hell no. Take this gunk.

*Doris gets up, grabs the bowl of baked oatmeal and ketchup, approaches Dana, and pours the food into Dana’s hands before putting the bowl back on the table and leaving the kitchen. Later, Dana is shown in the living room, laying on the couch, watching TV when Doris comes in*

Doris: Dana, isn’t it about time you had a talk with Tad? He’s called the house 21 times.

*Doris has a seat in one of the armchairs*

Dana: Uh-uh. I refuse to talk to that moron. I am done with him for GOOD. Yes, siree. I’m gonna visit the kids this afternoon, and after I find a nice apartment in town, I’m taking my kids and Tad will be DEAD to us. No longer living.

Doris: Well, I hope you find that apartment soon.

Dana: I hope so too.

Doris: Well, I got a question. How do you plan on supporting you and them kids? You’ve only had one job your entire life, and that was at a convenience store. Not to mention you got fired on your first day.

Dana: I’m not worried about that right now, mama. Right now, I am focused on being the best single mother I can be to my two kids. The last thing I wanna be is an unfit mother who don’t know how to raise her kids like that snot sister of mine is.

Doris: Now, Dana, that’s enough! Don’t start with that.

Dana: Well, it’s true, mama. Clara’s been nothing but a fake goody two shoes since the very day she said “I do” to Raymond almost 20 years ago. After that, she started forcing her two demon seeds on him, and then, she started spending all his money, and going on vacations every week, and meeting celebrities like Paris Hilton or Leonardo DiCaprio or Johnny Depp or Queen Latifah and even the late Queen of England! And she doesn’t hesitate to show everyone how she’s better than them.

Doris (angrily): Dana, I don’t wanna hear another word! Especially since I don’t know half of them people you just mentioned.

*All of a sudden, the door bursts open and Clara races into the house, heavily panting. She is wearing sunglasses yet again and she has some bags in her hands*

Doris (confused): Well, Clara, what’s wrong with you?!

Dana: Well, well, well. If it isn’t my sanctimonious sister. Long time no see. We was just talking about you.

Clara (annoyed, heavily panting): Dana, why don’t you just BACK OFF?!!! I’m not in the mood right now.

*Doris gets up and approaches Clara*

Doris (confused): What are you doing here?

Clara (heavily panting): Mama, I know this might not make much sense right now, but I need somewhere to stay. Can I stay with you for the time being?

Doris: Well, what does everyone think I’m running here, a Holiday Inn?! What do you mean you need somewhere to stay? You live in a three story house with a successful attorney.

*Clara sighs*

Clara: I know that, but are you gonna let me stay with you or not?

Doris: Not unless you tell me why you can’t stay in your own house. And you been wearing them sunglasses a lot lately. Take them things off. You inside now.

Clara (frustrated): YOU WANT ME TO TAKE EM OFF, MAMA?! FINE, I’LL TAKE EM OFF!

*Clara takes off her sunglasses, revealing a black eye. Doris and Dana gasp at the sight of Clara’s black eye*

Doris (shocked): You can put em back on now.

*Later, Doris and Clara are shown sitting in the kitchen. Clara is holding an ice pack to her eye*

Doris: Clara, you still haven’t told me how you got that black eye.

Clara (nervous): Uhh, I fell.

Doris (skeptical): You’re gonna have to try a lot harder than that.

Clara (nervous): I bumped my eye against the cabinet door in my kitchen.

Doris (skeptical): Quit lying.

Clara (nervous): I fell off the roof of my house. I was trying to mend it.

*Doris shakes her head*

Clara (nervous): I was driving in my car and the door opened and I fell out.

*Doris shakes her head again*

Clara (nervous): I fell from a tree.

*Doris shakes her head again*

Clara (nervous): My eye is 7 months pregnant.

Doris: Clara, tell me the truth!

Clara (annoyed): Mama, will you just leave it alone?!

Doris: Wait a minute. The wearing of the sunglasses, asking to stay here, the black eye. Please don’t tell me Raymond’s been beating on you.

*Clara nods her head*

Clara: Yes, mama.

Doris (upset): Clara!

Clara: It’s not as bad as it seems! He’s only hit me about…12 times so far.

Doris (upset): So far?!

*Clara nods her head*

Clara: Yeah.

Doris (upset): With that kind of attitude, you deserve to get beat on.

Clara (confused): Mama, what did I say wrong?

Doris (upset): You’re telling me that boy’s hit you 12 times like that’s something normal!

Clara: I never said it was normal, but I understand why he’d wanna hit me. We’ve been married for almost 18 years, and all married couples go through their own fights.

Doris (upset): Yeah, but you’re fighting for your life!

Clara: Mama, I have made my husband upset, obviously. And in the Bible, it says that any woman that’s made her husband upset deserves to get hit on. I hate to admit it, but I have sinned. And God is making me pay.

Doris (upset): Who told you that garbage?!

Clara: Raymond.

Doris (upset): Clara, I am about to make that black eye even worse!

Clara: Mama, Raymond is a very intelligent man! He knows what he’s talking about!

Doris (upset): No, he doesn’t, and neither do you!

Clara: It’s just his nerves, mama! The only reason he’s been beating me is because he has very bad nerves! But he’ll calm down. He always does. Especially when I move back in and bring an all black nightie with me.

Doris (upset): Oh, so now you’re gonna feed the roaring lion a snack until he decides he wants a real meal again!

Clara (irritated): Mama, I know my husband!

Doris (upset): Oh, yeah? Well, keep on knowing your husband. Clara, I hope you know that I’m not going to your funeral.

Clara (irritated): Fine! If you want it that way, I guess I’ll divorce him!

Doris: Well, you don’t have to necessarily do that.

Clara (irritated): Well, WHAT can I do?!

Doris: Clara, let me tell you something. Back in my day, you didn’t hear about no divorce. The husband and wife stayed together for years, decades. If you wanted to break up with your husband back then, all you had to do was poison him real good. Say, you could always do the same. Raymond’s doing well for himself. You could go back to him and I could teach you how to bake a pecan pie that would kill him in three days.

Clara (disgusted): Mama, I’m not doing that! Speaking of, you seem to be quite the expert on all of that. Please don’t tell me you killed daddy. You told me he died of natural causes.

Doris: Wasn’t no natural causes. I baked the chicken casserole that killed him.

*Doris laughs*

Clara (disgusted): Mama, how could you do that?!

Doris: Sometimes, I could’ve beaten your daddy like Raymond’s beating you. Good thing he left me all that insurance money when he passed on. He was a lousy husband when he was alive, but he made me VERY happy when he died.

*Doris laughs again*

Clara (disgusted): I can’t believe you’d have the audacity to sit next to me and talk about daddy that way!

Doris: So? He’s not here. What is he gonna do?

Clara (disgusted): Mama!

*Doris laughs again*

Doris: I’m just kidding with ya, Clara…or am I? Anyway, listen here. You have the choice to go back to Raymond and be his doormat and let him make you his punching bag, or you could set some things for him. Or, if you’re tired of him treating you like crap, you can leave him alone and get a divorce. It’s up to you.

*Doris leaves the room. Later, Doris, Kyle, Willow, and Dana are shown sitting in the living room when Shirley comes in*

Shirley: Doris, what is Clara doing here?

Doris: I’ll tell you later. She’s going through a lot right now.

*Shirley takes a seat on the couch next to Dana, Kyle, and Willow. A few seconds later, the doorbell rings*

Shirley: I’ll get it.

*Shirley gets up and goes to answer the door. At the door when she opens it is Tad*

Shirley: Well, hey there, Tad.

Tad: Hey, Aunt Shirl. I’ve come to talk to Dana.

Dana: Dana isn’t here right now.

*Tad rolls his eyes*

Shirley: Come on in.

*Tad enters the house and approaches Dana on the couch*

Tad: Dana, we need to talk.

Dana: About what?

Tad: Your random attitude towards me.

Dana: Well, you weren’t worried about my attitude when you were spending your afternoon being entertained.

Tad: There you go again! And I have no idea what you keep talking about! Was I supposed to be somewhere else other than the store last week?

*Dana gets up*

Dana: Last week? You’ve probably been visiting that place for weeks, probably months, probably even years! All while your loving wife and your two kids were at home, thinking that you was working like you was supposed to!

Tad: What place?!

Dana: Does the Strip and Seizure Hotspot ring a bell to you, Mr. Thaddeus Brooks?

*Tad nods his head*

Tad: Oh. So NOW you think I’m visiting strip clubs. I see how it is.

Doris: So, THIS is what this is all about!

Shirley (talking to Kyle and Willow): Umm, go upstairs, kids.

Willow: Aww, but I really wanted to stay and watch.

Shirley: You heard what I said. Upstairs now!

*Kyle and Willow get up and go upstairs*

Dana: Ya know what? I’m so sick of it. I want you to deny going in that nasty little strip club. I’m not stupid, Tad. I know more than you do.

Tad (annoyed): I knew you’d say something like that! So that is why I brought the receipts!

Dana: Show em.

*Tad nods his head*

Tad: Alright.

*Tad walks up to the door and opens it*

Tad: Arnie! Get in here! It’s time!

Doris (angrily): Will you stop all that damn yelling?! The neighbors are gonna think I’M running the strip club!

Dana (annoyed): You mean to tell me you brought Slowja Boy over to my mama’s house?!

*Arnie enters the house and Tad closes the door behind him*

Arnie: Good evening, everybody.

Shirley: Hello.

Arnie (talking to Doris): Hey, mama bear.

Doris (annoyed): Shut up, you jackass.

Tad: Now that Arnie’s here, Dana, I cannot WAIT for him to prove you wrong. Go ahead, Arnie.

Arnie (nervous): Right, uhh, Mr. B and I was in that shoe store the whole afternoon. He didn’t go nowhere at all.

*Dana nods her head*

Dana: Oh, okay. So you mean to tell me Mr. B didn’t vacate the premises around 12:15 to go spend some time at a strip club?

*Arnie shakes his head*

Arnie: No. I don’t even know what that means. Anyway, Mr. B didn’t leave at all. He spent the whole afternoon just selling shoes.

*Dana nods her head*

Dana: Oh, is that right?

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Yeah.

Dana: Lemme let you in on a secret, Arnie, sweetheart…

*Dana clears her throat*

Dana (yelling): I SAW HIS ASS GOING INTO THAT STRIP CLUB!!!

Arnie (nervous): I think she knows, Mr. B.

Tad: Fine. I did go into the strip club. But it was my first time. And I didn’t even stay. I didn’t even know what that place was at first!

Dana: Oh, I see. Well, that’s completely understandable, I guess. Anyways, I have a question for you, honey.

Tad: What is it, pooh bear?

Dana: How come that short little slut with the blonde hair touched you and said, “Tad, this your third time coming in here today, big daddy!”?

Tad (angrily): Damnit, Dana, do you follow me around every day or something?! Whether I did or didn’t go to a strip club, it’s NONE of your business! Besides, what’s wrong with a man enjoying himself?! As long as I like it, it doesn’t matter!

Dana (angrily): It is a SIN! It goes against the Bible! There is no excuse for such behavior and you are going straight to hell!

Tad (angrily): Oh, whatever!

Arnie: Believe it or not, he was going in there free a few months ago.

*Dana gasps*

Dana (angrily): Is that true, Tad?!

Tad (angrily): Thanks a lot, Arnie. I don’t need your help no more.

Dana (angrily): Tad, we are OFFICIALLY done!

Tad (angrily): That’s the best news I’ve heard in all day! That’s a perfect idea, actually! Us going our separate ways! Then I wouldn’t have to worry about looking at your face every day and wanting to throw up!

Dana (offended): You take that back!

Tad (angrily): I will NOT!

Doris: Dana, if you and Tad really break up, it would be stupid of you to let him have the house. You don’t need no apartment.

Tad: She can keep the house. I’ll stay with Arnie.

Dana: Oh, no. A nice, furnished, spacious apartment would be just fine for me and my kids.

Doris: Don’t be an imbecile, Dana. You should take the house and shut your mouth. If you think about it, there ain’t an apartment in Thorneville that’s gon’ tolerate you and your demon seed kids. Besides, them apartments too expensive for a broke chick like you. And you know nobody’s gonna hire you for no job.

Dana: Can’t you say something positive, mama? Like EVER in your lifetime?

*Doris gets up in annoyance*

Doris (annoyed): Alright, that is ENOUGH! Tad, if you move in with Arnie, you’re gonna get as slow as him! Plus, you ain’t never gonna find no woman stupid enough to marry you! And, Dana, if you ATTEMPT to live on your own, you’re gonna die trying to eat yourself! Let’s face it, you two were meant for each other! No one else would want you! So why don’t y’all just kiss and make up and get the HELL outta my house?!

*Tad sighs*

Tad: Dana, I guess I’m sorry for going into that strip club. It was wrong of me. I promise to never do it again.

*Dana shrugs her shoulders*

Dana: Well…I guess I’m sorry for not talking it out with you. I’ll learn to do that the next time.

Tad (excited): Good! Now why don’t you go upstairs and pack your things so that we could go home…together?

Dana: Oh, I like that idea.

*Dana kisses Tad passionately. She then runs upstairs before stopping and turning back around*

Dana: Oh, and let me telling you something, mister. Just because we’re back together doesn’t mean you ain’t sleeping on the couch either.

*Dana heads upstairs to pack her things while Tad had a disappointed look on his face*

Tad (disappointed): Shoot! I might as well pay another visit to the strip club tonight. Come on, Arnie.

Dana (upstairs): You stay right there, you ninny!

*Later, Shirley is shown sitting on the couch in the living room when Doris enters the room and sits next to her*

Doris: Well, Shirley. Everything’s been peaceful around here ever since Clara made up with Raymond and moved back in with him and Dana moved back in with Tad.

Shirley: Isn’t that the truth?

Doris: Yup. No fighting, no arguments, no animosity. Things couldn’t be more peaceful.

*Billy is shown storming into the living room with a belt in his hand*

Billy (in a silly manner): Where is that Raymond fella?! I’m gonna KILL him for putting his hands on my sister!

*Billy walks out of the house*

Doris: You know what the sad thing is?

Shirley (curious): What?

Doris: KYLE probably has a better chance at beating up Raymond than that goofball.


CLOSING CREDITS…

THE END

[Wawwie]

LOL @ all the nasty breakfast platters!
I still have a little bit to read. Maybe I'll get back to it after dinner.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

LOL @ all the nasty breakfast platters!
I still have a little bit to read. Maybe I'll get back to it after dinner.

I’m assuming you’re done or almost done. What did you think so far? What did you think about Doris wanting to spank Willow, Daisy’s phone call to Doris, and Billy and Andrea talking about licking and feeling on Andrea’s feet in the bedroom?

[Wawwie]

I thought that Fallon guy was gonna pay a visit to Doris and chew her out for murdering his dog.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

I thought that Fallon guy was gonna pay a visit to Doris and chew her out for murdering his dog.

That’s the plan for the next episode. I couldn’t fit him in Episode 5.

If you’ve read the whole thing, what did you think about Clara’s situation and the real reason why Dana left Tad?

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

If you’ve read the whole thing, what did you think about Clara’s situation and the real reason why Dana left Tad?

Didn't Dana leave Tad because of his trips to the strip bar? Don't know why she made up with him. And Clara is the one who is getting beat up by the husband? She should call the cops on him.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

What did you think so far? What did you think about Doris wanting to spank Willow

I think Doris is a nut and a nasty hag. I think Billy was right in not wanting Willow spanked but I think he was wrong not to punish her some other way. The girl was disrespectful and bratty. She got away with no punishment at all. He should have at least grounded her for a night or something.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Didn't Dana leave Tad because of his trips to the strip bar? Don't know why she made up with him. And Clara is the one who is getting beat up by the husband? She should call the cops on him.

Well, maybe Dana realized that she couldn’t survive without Tad, and instead of leaving him for good and moving on with her life, she just buried the hatchet and made up with him for the sake of her and her kids. As for Clara, she probably made the right decision about going back to Raymond. Hopefully, what Doris said about the pecan pie resulting in dead husband thing sunk in her head and she decided to pursue it.

As for Clara and Dana, what about their brief interaction and Dana calling her sister a stuck snob bitch basically?

Originally Posted by Wawwie

I think Doris is a nut and a nasty hag. I think Billy was right in not wanting Willow spanked but I think he was wrong not to punish her some other way. The girl was disrespectful and bratty. She got away with no punishment at all. He should have at least grounded her for a night or something.

LOL @ Andrea interrupting and talking about she needs to be assisted in the bedroom.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

As for Clara and Dana, what about their brief interaction and Dana calling her sister a stuck snob bitch basically?