The Big Happy Family - Episode 4: The Kids Have Spoken

[TVLegend]

CAST:

Penny Lane - Doris Haney Carson
Chad22 - William “Billy” Carson
Wawwie - Andrea Shelton
IllinoisTVFan - Shirley Haney
Child Actor - Kyle Carson
Child Actress - Willow Carson

GUEST CAST:

Cactus Jack - Gavin Luce
Patrick Warburton (Voice) - Jethrine
TVFactFan - Alan Fallon
80sTrivia - Smiley
Unknown Actress - Waitress at The Sunroof
_________________________________________________

*As we open, Billy and Andrea are shown entering the house*

Andrea: Oh, Billy, I had such a great time.

Billy: Yeah. Me too.

Andrea: Oh, I can’t wait to go see that new play Sunday.

Billy: Me too.

*Billy sighs*

Billy: Well, good night.

Andrea: Well, wait a minute, baby. I didn’t come here for nothing. I was thinking that we could…fool around on the couch. That tuna fish sandwich I had at The Sunroof has got me feeling romantic.

*Andrea loudly burps*

Billy (excited): Oh, missy! I’m feeling rather romantic tonight myself.

Andrea (excited): Ooh, well, come on, lover boy. Do me and screw me.

Billy: Oh, Andrea, this isn’t right. And on the couch? What if mama’s still up?

Andrea: Billy, I’ve told you before, stop worrying about your mama. All I’m asking for is a quickie, and then, I’ll go home.

Billy: Just a quickie?

*Andrea nods her head*

Andrea: Yeah. Just a quickie. It’s alright. You’re safe. Come on. Miss Carson’s probably fast asleep. She won’t even know.

Billy (overly excited): Oh, missy! Secret, forbidden sex has got me even MORE excited!

Andrea (excited as well): Well, let’s get at it while you’re hot.

*Billy and Andrea fall on the couch and get started. Billy takes off his clothes and rips off Andrea’s while Andrea runs her nails through Billy’s back. The two passionately kiss*

Andrea (excited): Oh, Billy!

Billy (excited): Oh, Andrea!

Andrea (excited): Oh, Billy!

*Andrea is so caught up in the action that she knocks everything off the coffee table*

Billy (excited): Oh, you’re making it EVEN better, little mama!

*Andrea laughs. A couple of seconds later, Doris comes down with her night clothes on and a gun in her hand. She shoots the gun at Billy and Andrea multiple times despite missing as they quickly get off of the couch and run out of the room in fear*

CUT TO: Opening Credits


*The next morning, The Carsons are shown eating breakfast at the kitchen table*

Billy: Mama, what you did last night was uncalled for and just plain awful.

Doris: Oh, shut up. What ya’ll two was ABOUT TO DO was uncalled for and just plain awful.

Shirley: What happened?

Billy: Me and Andrea were just having a private moment ALONE, and then mama came in, shooting at us with her gun.

Doris: You listen to me, boy. I don’t allow no malicious love makin’ on my couch.

Shirley: Well, in my opinion, Billy, you had no right to try to be doing stuff like that on my sister and your mother’s couch, and Doris, it was beyond ridiculous and absurd for you to be shooting at his son and his girlfriend.

Doris and Billy (in unison): Stay outta this, Shirley!

Kyle: Speaking of you and Andrea, dad, I got a question.

Billy: What is it, Kyle?

Kyle: Just WHAT is so special about that tramp that you gotta be around her 24/7?

Billy: Kyle!

Doris: (proud): That’s my boy!

*Doris gives Kyle a high five*

Billy (furious): What the hell kinda question is that?!

Doris: Hey! Don’t be raising your voice at him!

Billy: Mama, I am HIS father and I can do whatever I want!

Doris (annoyed): Oh, yeah?! Well, I am YOUR mother and I can smack the consciousness outta you!

Shirley: Please don’t start all that noise. It’s really not-

Billy (angrily): That is IT! I have had it! I try to have a nice breakfast with my family, and obviously, I cannot do it!

*Billy gets up from the kitchen table*

Billy (angrily): And to answer your question, Kyle…it’s NONE of your damn business! I’m the adult and you’re the child! You got it?! I’m the adult and you’re the child! Now PLEASE quit insulting Andrea! She’s the woman I love, and it is rude!

*Billy leaves out of the room and goes into his bedroom*

Shirley (obviously uncomfortable): Umm…want some more cereal, Willow?

*Willow shakes her head. Later, Doris is shown sitting in the living room, drinking beer, when Billy enters*

Billy: Mama, can I come outta my room?

Doris: Well, looks like you’re already out your room, huh? And I didn’t make you stay in there for over two hours. That was your own decision.

Billy: Good, ‘cause I got company coming over.

*Billy has a seat on the couch*

Doris: Well, what kinda company?

Billy: My buddy, Gavin Luce is coming over.

Doris: The hell he is! I told you I didn’t want that moron in my house!

*Doris gets up and goes into the kitchen to throw away her can of beer. Billy follows her*

Billy: Mama, I wish you’d give Gavin Luce a chance. You’ll like him a lot once you get to know him.

Doris: Believe me, Billy. I’ve gotten to know him. That’s why I don’t like him.

*Billy smacks his lips*

Billy: Gavin Luce is a good guy, okay?! A good guy!

Doris: He’s the same jackass that was goin’ around, telling everybody how the coronavirus was a “little mere fairytale”. And then, when the dumbass caught it, he couldn’t tell nobody nothing for a good 7 days or so.

*Billy rolls his eyes*

Billy: Mama, Gavin was on to something there. And if he truly believed that the virus was a hoax, then that’s his opinion. There’s no need for you to criticize it.

Doris: That Gavin Luce is a bum, and a dummy, and a idiot!

Billy: That’s not true at all, mama!

Doris (annoyed): Oh, shut up!

*The doorbell rings*

Billy: That must be Gavin right now.

*Billy goes and answers the door. Doris follows him. At the door when Billy opens it is Gavin*

Gavin: Hey there! What’s up, buddy?

Billy: Hey, Gavin! Nothing much.

*Billy and Gavin shake hands*

Billy: Come on in.

*Gavin enters the house and Billy closes the door behind him*

Gavin: Hey, Miss Carson.

Doris (standing in the living room): Hey yourself, slimeball.

*Billy smacks his lips*

Billy (annoyed): Mama, stop that! Now apologize.

Gavin: Oh, it’s all good, Billy. Your mama is a CHARACTER.

*Gavin laughs*

Doris: Yeah, and you’re the crappy dialogue.

*Doris has a seat in the armchair*

Billy: Come on, man. Let’s go in the kitchen. I got some beer in the fridge.

Gavin: Oh, great! That is just what I need.

*Billy and Gavin head over to the kitchen*

Doris (angrily): Hey! Don’t be letting Daniel Goon drink up all my beer!

*Billy and Gavin are shown in the kitchen. Billy is then shown with a beer in his hand as he hands Gavin his. Billy and Gavin open their beers and get to sipping*

Gavin (excited): Man, I tell ya, I am the luckiest man alive!

Billy (sipping on beer): Well, why is that?

Gavin (excited): ‘Cause I got a date tonight at The Sunroof.

Billy: Well, why does that make you so lucky? Is she a Beyonce or a Eva Longoria or a Halle Berry or…a Ginger from Gilligan’s Island?

Gavin (excited): Even better! She’s a big, lazy, obese woman named Jethrine!

Billy (confused): I don’t follow you.

Gavin (excited): Billy, come on, dude! You know my type! I like em tall, chunky, fat, and FUNKYYYYYY!

Billy: Well, do I know this funky elephant lady?

*Gavin nods his head*

Gavin: Well, yeah. Of course you do. You know Jethrine. That’s Crystal Cheatham’s sister.

Billy: Oh! You talking bout No Neck Jethrine the truck driver, huh?

*Gavin nods his head*

Gavin: That’s the one!

Billy: Golly! That is one big woman, ya know. She’s over 7 feet and so is her big, fat belly.

*Gavin nods his head*

Gavin: Yeah.

Billy: She’s huge. She’s a regular at The Sunroof, huh?

Gavin: Yeah. She’s over there a lot. But me and Jethrine got a real connection. We have a whole lot in common. She has kids around my age.

Billy: Well, gee, how old is she?

Gavin: Oh, she’s about my age. Ya see, she had her first child in 1st Grade.

Billy (shocked): Really?

*Gavin nods his head*

Gavin: Oh, yeah. Ya see, up until the 9th Grade, everybody thought she was a boy, so she would go into the bathroom with the rest of the boys. And there was this one boy in her class who was real…”mature” for his age, and he convinced her to…get it on in the stall with him. Turns out, she was real mature for her age too, ‘cause they wound up with a baby boy when they was still babies.

Billy (disgusted): Ugh!

Gavin: I know, right? Oh, Billy. You don’t know what I’d do to give her a 29th child.

Billy: Wait, she has 28 kids already?

*Gavin nods his head*

Gavin: Oh, yeah. She put 4 of them up for adoption. And then, some of em have to sleep outside, poor things.

Billy (shocked): Well, hell, I’m surprised they don’t sleep it up in a garbage can.

Gavin: Who said they DON’T?

*Billy shakes his head. Later, Gavin and his date, Jethrine are shown seated at one of the tables at The Sunroof, although Jethrine’s face isn’t shown and she is only seen from the neck down*

Jethrine: So, what do you do for a living, Gavin? You ain’t told me yet.

Gavin: I work at a warehouse.

Jethrine: Ooh, I just love my warehouse men!

Gavin: And I love big, funky girls-I mean…women like you.

Jethrine: Gavin, you are SUCH a gentleman.

Gavin: And you are a…Jethrine. But that’s okay. I like that about you, actually.

*Jethrine giggles. Seconds later, Smiley comes over to the table to check on Gavin and Jethrine*

Smiley: Is everything alright over here?

Jethrine (angrily and rather loudly): Well, NO the hell it ISN’T, to be honest with ya, Smiley! Where’s Gavin’s beer?! And where’s my damn iced hot sauce?! Don’t make me tata slap your ass up in this place! You haven’t seen Jethrine the truck driver when she gets angry! I’m a “diabetical”, ya know!

Gavin (embarrassed): Jethrine, baby, calm down, it ain’t that serious.

Jethrine (angrily and rather loudly): Calm down?! Just who in HELL are you telling to CALM DOWN?! Just ‘cause we got a date going on, doesn’t mean I can’t sit on you! Now I’m pretty sure that you DO NOT wanna leave here in an ambulance, Mr. Luce!

Smiley: Umm, Jethrine, the beer and hot sauce are on the way. Just hold your horses.

*Smiley walks away*

Jethrine (angrily): Yeah, yeah. I’m so pissed off that I could eat mine.

*A couple of seconds later, the waitress comes and brings over the beer and iced hot sauce in beer mugs*

Waitress: There you go. Beer and…iced hot sauce. Eww!

Jethrine (offended): Shut up, blondie! You know that a skinny, small woman like me needs all the iced hot sauce I can get.

*The waitress laughs*

Waitress: You are FUNNY!

*The waitress walks away*

Waitress (under her breath): Skinny, small woman. Please.

Jethrine (angrily): Uh, I know that little whore didn’t just say what I think she said! She ain’t ready for a smack down up in here!

Gavin (sipping on beer): So, Jethrine…are you into wrestling?

Jethrine (sipping on iced hot sauce): Not unless it’s over some delicious smothered dog with some gravy and rice and some sweet potatoes and some biscuits and some deep fried cranberries and some fried chicken and some mac n’ cheese and some chicken wings and some grass and gravy and grits-

Gavin: Alright, alright, alright. I got it. Ya know, I’m actually into watching things like…plus size women wrestling in jello or two ladies fighting over a chair and breaking the whole thing while sitting in it at the same time. That’s just my kinda thing, ya know? I appreciate my big girls. I really dig-

Jethrine: Shut up.

*Jethrine takes her beer mug of iced hot sauce and quickly gulps it down. She then loudly burps and farts at the same time. Jethrine’s combination of burping and farting is so catastrophic that Gavin’s beer mug shatters on the table and the whole place starts shaking*

Gavin (shocked): Umm…I gotta go.

*Gavin gets up*

Jethrine: Well, where you going, baby?

Gavin: To the hospital. Your bad gas is suffocating the HELL outta me.

*Gavin runs out of The Sunroof in total shock and horror. The next day, the doorbell rings and Billy enters the room wearing a suit and goes to answer the door. At the door when he opens it is Andrea*

Billy: Hey, Andrea. Come on in.

Andrea: Hey, baby.

*Andrea gives Billy a kiss and then enters the house before falling on the couch*

Billy: You look great.

Andrea: Well, thanks.

*A couple of seconds later, Kyle and Willow enter the room*

Andrea: Well, hello, kids.

Kyle: Hey.

Willow: Hey, Andrea.

*Kyle takes a seat in the armchair and Willow sits next to Andrea*

Willow: Alright…stop stalling. Where are you taking my daddy, woman?

Billy: Willow!

Andrea: That’s quite alright, Billy. Actually, Willow, I’m taking your daddy to see a play.

Kyle: A play?

*Andrea nods her head*

Andrea: Yeah.

Billy: And it’s gonna be a good one. We’re going to see Richard Von Drake’s “What You Want”.

*Andrea gets up and approaches Billy*

Andrea: Yeah. And I hear that Richard’s gonna play a successful businessman named Sherman Oates, Brendad the Old Cleaning Lady, and Wiggly the Toe.

*Billy and Andrea start making out right in front of Kyle and Willow*

Kyle: Wow. I didn’t know that going to see a play required mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

*Kyle rolls his eyes while Billy and Andrea stop making out and get off each other*

Billy: Oh. Sorry, kids.

Willow: Daddy, I was thinking…can we go see mom sometime soon?

Billy: Not anytime soon. But we could pay a visit during the summer, when you kids are outta school.

Willow: Well, maybe mom can visit us.

Billy: I don’t think that’s gonna happen, sweetheart.

*Willow sighs*

Kyle: I wish I could say the same about you and Andrea…

Billy: What?

*Kyle shakes his head*

Kyle: Nothing.

Willow: Daddy, why do we have to have a new mama?

Billy: Well, who said you had a new mama?

Kyle: YOU.

Billy (confused): What?

Kyle: Dad, you and mom haven’t even been divorced for a year yet, and you’re trying to replace her with Andrea.

Billy (confused): What are ya’ll talking about?

*Kyle stands up*

Kyle (angrily): I’ll tell ya what we talking about! Why do you have to spend so much time with Andrea?! Why do you have to be all over her all the time?! And why doesn’t she just get a life and leave ours alone?! I just want mom back!

Willow: Me too.

Kyle (angrily): Why can’t things be the way they used to be?! Why did you have to mess things up with mama?! She was way, WAY better than this dumb whore!

Billy (angrily): Kyle, that’s enough! Now sit your ass down and shut the hell up before I slap all the stupidity out you!

Kyle (angrily): Make me, ya dimwit! Make me!

*Billy is about to go after Kyle when Andrea stops him*

Andrea: Billy, no! Stop it! Ya know what? Maybe I should just go and forget about the play.

Billy: Baby, no!

Andrea: Billy, family comes before anything else. Now sort this out with them, because one thing I’m not gonna do is get in the middle of whatever’s going on.

Billy: Andrea, don’t leave.

Willow: No…leave Andrea. You need to go. Bye bye.

*Andrea sighs*

Andrea: You need to work this out with your kids, Billy. Get to the bottom of this. That’s only if you want us to stay together. I’ll talk to you later.

*Andrea leaves*

Willow: Finally. I hate that dumb lady.

Billy (angrily): Shut up! Shut the hell up! Go to your room! Both of you, damnit!

*Kyle and Willow remain seated*

Willow: But daddy. I don’t wanna go in my-

Billy (angrily): I don’t wanna hear it! Do ya’ll need a q-tip?! Get your asses in those rooms! You’ve pissed me off!

*Kyle and Willow get up and go into their rooms*

Kyle (while going to his room): I didn’t even do nothing.

Billy (angrily): Shut the hell up!

*Billy sighs*

Billy: What in HELL is their problem?

*A few days later, the doorbell rings and Shirley enters the room to get the door*

Shirley: I’m coming!

*At the door when Shirley opens it is neighbor Alan Fallon, who is wearing a robe and a shower cap*

Shirley: Well, hey there, Alan.

Alan (angrily): Where’s Doris?

Shirley: In the bathroom. Why?

Alan (angrily): I need to speak with her! Doris! Get in here!

Shirley: Hold on, now, Alan. Calm down.

Alan (angrily): Calm down nothing! For your information, your sister’s been shooting at my dog again! And I am FED UP!!!

Shirley: Alan, calm down!

Alan (angrily): Calm down nothing! I don’t wanna hear that! Doris, get in here!

*A few seconds later, Doris enters the room, laughing at Alan’s appearance*

Doris (laughing): Alan, what the hell’s the matter with you, you goon?! Coming in my house, making all that noise, looking like a big ass bowl of sloppy pudding.

*Doris continues to laugh while Alan rolls his eyes*

Shirley: Doris, Alan came over here to voice his complaints regarding you shooting at his dog.

Alan (angrily): Yes! Doris, you better quit messing with my dog!

Doris: And you better get outta my house, you dumbass!

Alan (angrily): I don’t even know why I came over here no more! Obviously, we got a problem, so imma solve it by calling the cops on you!

Doris: Go ahead, lardo! Call em! In fact, I was thinking bout calling em on you.

Alan (angrily): For what?!

Doris: Indecent exposure.

Alan (angrily): What in the devils are you talking about?! I ain’t been showing none of my…

*Alan looks down at his “business”*

Alan (angrily): …Stuff.

Doris: Exactly. Your hideous face is enough indecent exposure.

*Alan smacks his lips*

Alan (angrily): Bottom line is, you got one more time to shoot at my dog, Doris! Then, I’ll REALLY let you have it, you big ol elephant!

Doris: Says the jolly green whale.

Alan (angrily): Doris, I’m warning you! Leave my dog be!

Doris: And I’m warning you. Lower your calories.

*Alan storms out of the house in anger. Later, Doris and Billy are shown sitting in the living room, talking. Doris is drinking a cup of coffee*

Doris (sipping on coffee): So, you mean to tell me that Kyle and Willow said all of that?

*Billy nods his head*

Billy: Oh, yeah. I just feel bad for yelling at em. I could’ve handled the situation a whole lot better.

Doris: Well, no need to fear. I’m about to handle it. Kyle, Willow! Get in here!

*A couple of seconds later, Kyle and Willow enter the room*

Kyle: Huh?

Doris: Sit down.

*Kyle and Willow take a seat on the couch next to Billy*

Doris: I wanna talk to ya’ll.

Willow: About what?

Doris: About what went down the other day. That was inexcusable and just disgusting. Now, I know that you two miss your mama, and I know that ya’ll want her and your daddy back together, but that’s not gonna happen. And between you and me, I don’t want you to EVER disrespect Andrea or your daddy like that again, you understand?

*Kyle and Willow nod their heads*

Doris: Lord knows I can’t stand Andrea, with her repulsive, little slutty self…

*Billy smacks his lips*

Doris: And she could use a good lesson or two on fashion statements and dignity. And yes, I do believe that the no good tramp is cheating on my son with-

Billy (annoyed): Mama, stop it!

Doris: Well, alright. I’m just saying. Anyways, the point is, I do get that you might not like your dad dating Andrea, and you might not like her, but you got no say in all that. So if I catch or hear about ya’ll being disrespectful or outta line again…beware of the butt spanking. I will be all on ya’ll like white on rice. Ya’ll will never see the day of light again. Hell, ya’ll might not be able to move or pee for months.

*Doris gets up and leaves out of the room while Kyle and Willow have horrified looks on their faces. The next day, Doris, Billy, Shirley, Kyle, and Willow are shown seated at the dinner table, eating dinner*

Billy: This food is absolutely DELICIOUS, mama.

Doris: Well, thank you, baby.

Shirley: I concur. It’s like fried chicken or a fried pork chop, but even fresher, and overall…just better.

Kyle: I can’t stop eating this. I could sit here and eat for HOURS and HOURS.

Willow: Me too.

Billy: Pass me the hot sauce, Aunt Shirley.

*Shirley passes Billy the hot sauce and Billy pours some all on his food*

Billy: Hmm. Well, that’s strange. I just realized…you never told us what we were eating, mama. Just what exactly is this? I’ve never seen meat like this, now that I think about it.

Shirley: Ya know, you’re right, Billy. What ARE we eating, Doris? It’s absolutely delicious.

Doris: Uhh…I’d rather not talk about it.

Billy (confused): Well, why not?

Shirley: Doris, what did you do?

Doris: Well, fine. It’s just some delicious…dog meat.

Billy (disgusted): DOG MEAT?!

*Doris nods her head*

Doris: Yeah. And since you know that we’re eating dog now, I might as well let you know that…it’s Alan Fallon’s dog too.

Billy (beyond disgusted): UGH!!!

*Billy, Kyle, and Willow run out of the room in total shock and disgust while Shirley quickly spits out her food on a piece of paper towel*

Doris: Well, you people don’t know how good ya got it! Sometimes, all we was left with is the dog’s poo when we was growing up!

Shirley (disgusted): Really, Doris?! Feeding your own family dog meat?!

Doris: Well, look at it this way, Shirley. At least we ain’t gotta worry about Alan’s dog barking and stuff all hours of the night no more.



CLOSING CREDITS…

THE END

[Wawwie]

Now Doris' threats to spank Kyle and Willow mean sh*t. If she ever threatens them again, they can call the cops on her and have her arrested for animal cruelty. Sick bitch.

Turn on your phones, kids, and record the old hag admitting she murdered a dog and fed him to her family.

Now shut up, you haggard old bitch.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Now Doris' threats to spank Kyle and Willow mean sh*t. If she ever threatens them again, they can call the cops on her and have her arrested for animal cruelty. Sick bitch.

Turn on your phones, kids, and record the old hag admitting she murdered a dog and fed him to her family.

Now shut up, you haggard old bitch.

LOL. What did you think about Kyle and Willow disrespecting Andrea and Gavin’s date with No Neck Jethrine?

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

LOL. What did you think about Kyle and Willow disrespecting Andrea and Gavin’s date with No Neck Jethrine?