Just Ask Bartender Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Back in the old Imdb Dark Shadows Discussion Board days, we had a long-running game called Deary Abby. It was a whole bunch of fun. First poster would write a letter to Abby, in the guise of a DS character (but not give the character name), seeking advice with a problem.

The next poster would reply to the letter, as Deary Abby, giving advice about the problem. Sooo...

Bartender Bob has been hired by the Collinsport Star to write an advice column. Collinsport citizens, as we know, have some very unique issues. Bob is just dying to help. *If no "Bob" responds in a few days, one may answer their own.

I'll get us started with a sample letter and response in the next few posts.

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

My mother is about to marry a real rat. He showed up, out of nowhere, a couple of months ago, and has taken over the who house. What do I do, Bob?

Signed,

Confused Trust Fund Doll

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

My mother is about to marry a real rat. He showed up, out of nowhere, a couple of months ago, and has taken over the who house. What do I do, Bob?

Signed,

Confused Trust Fund Doll

Dear Confused Trust Fund Doll:

Grow up. Stop sniveling, put your big girl pants on, and go shopping. The hardware store sells rat poison. If that doesn't work, that Antique shop probably can give you deal on a concealable pistol. Have fun at wedding, kid.

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, like this guy I been workin for... he sleeps all day, makes a real bloody mess every night, and... he's ALWAYS leavin the lid up. I can't take it no more, Bob!


Signed,

Drained

[stevea]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, like this guy I been workin for... he sleeps all day, makes a real bloody mess every night, and... he's ALWAYS leavin the lid up. I can't take it no more, Bob!


Signed,

Drained

Dear Drained:

So he leaves the lid up? Is it that hard to lower it?

My advice is to count your blessings. If you don't see him during the day, all the better.

Just watch your throat. If you don't, fly. Literally.

[WinstonNephron]

That's the idea!

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

Recently, strange things have been happening to me. A shadowy figure followed me home; I'm chronicly tired and irritable; dogs howl outside my house half the night; some jerk rubs a squeaky permanent marker back and forth across an easel, while dangling a silly cardboard bat, right outside my bedroom; and now, I'm apparently sleep walking in the cemetery. Oh, and I'm having weird dreams about someone sticking a straw into my neck, and drinking me like a milkshake. This is crazy, Bob. What should I do?

Signed,

Lost in the fog

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

Recently, strange things have been happening to me. A shadowy figure followed me home; I'm chronicly tired and irritable; dogs howl outside my house half the night; some jerk rubs a squeaky permanent marker back and forth across an easel, while dangling a silly cardboard bat, right outside my bedroom; and now, I'm apparently sleep walking in the cemetery. Oh, and I'm having weird dreams about someone sticking a straw into my neck, and drinking me like a milkshake. This is crazy, Bob. What should I do?

Signed,

Lost in the fog

Dear Lost in the fog,

Wow! and, I thought your Pop drank too much, kid.

Cheers,

Bob

[Sgt. Saunders]

Dear Bartender Bob:

I have been a resident of Collinsport, Maine for my entire life. Collinsport was a wonderful town to grow up in, with its proximity to sailing, fishing and swimming in the “slightly” chilly waters off of Collinsport Bay. The thousands of acres of woodlands surrounding our beautiful fishing village provide many opportunities for hiking and camping for the L.L. Bean crowd here in Maine.

Of course, with the coming of summer, Collinsport is visited (or more likely invaded?) by the thousands of visitors to our beloved home town from places like Boston, Massachusetts, Hartford CT, New York City and Lodi, New Jersey (with their atrocious Tony Soprano-like accents). Yet, the money gained during the summer allows us to fund all municipal repairs and new developments in Collinsport.

However, what really disturbs me as a lifetime resident, is the amount of violent crime, which has plagued our formerly peaceful and tranquil town. I don’t know, but ever since 1967, Collinsport has been plagued with one gruesome murder after another. Who can ever forget how Mr. Wells, the longtime night clerk at the Collinsport Inn, and Sally Selby, the waitress at your own beloved Blue Whale Tavern, were both horribly eviscerated by some unknown crazy man or savage animal, along with the brutal deaths of newcomers Bruno Hess and Donna Friedlander?

Then there were the puzzling and gruesome deaths of former Collinsport resident Paul
Stoddard, the husband of prominent local citizen Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, Collinsport Sheriff Davenport and Maine State Police investigator Lawrence Gutherie, all who had appeared to have been “slimed to death” like Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd were “slimed” in the popular Ghostbuster movies.

Of course, what happened to longtime Collinsport residents Maggie Evans, Tom Jennings and Vicky Winters, among several others, who were bitten on the neck by some unknown animal of some sort?

I don’t have to mention how completely feckless and incompetent the Collinsport Police Department has been in “investigating” all of these terrible and mysterious deaths. Poor George Patterson was forced to resign as our longtime sheriff and retire to Key West, Florida after failing to solve any of these bizarre crimes.

Finally, Bob, I have to take to task your very own colleagues at “The Collinsport Star.” Why has no one at our longtime local newspaper attempted to delve into all of these gruesome and truly puzzling murders in our fair town? Are there no aspiring Bob Woodward’s or Carl Bernstein’s on the staff of “The Collinsport Star” to aggressively and doggedly pursue these ongoing crime stories?

If these terrible murders and unexplained deaths continue to occur in our beloved and formerly peaceful New England fishing village, I’m afraid that I will have to regretfully leave Collinsport forever to move to some lesser community like Fall River, Massachusetts or even Hoboken, New Jersey. (God forbid!)

Sincerely,

Buzz Hackett

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by Sgt. Saunders

Dear Bartender Bob:

I have been a resident of Collinsport, Maine for my entire life. Collinsport was a wonderful town to grow up in, with its proximity to sailing, fishing and swimming in the “slightly” chilly waters off of Collinsport Bay. The thousands of acres of woodlands surrounding our beautiful fishing village provide many opportunities for hiking and camping for the L.L. Bean crowd here in Maine.

Of course, with the coming of summer, Collinsport is visited (or more likely invaded?) by the thousands of visitors to our beloved home town from places like Boston, Massachusetts, Hartford CT, New York City and Lodi, New Jersey (with their atrocious Tony Soprano-like accents). Yet, the money gained during the summer allows us to fund all municipal repairs and new developments in Collinsport.

However, what really disturbs me as a lifetime resident, is the amount of violent crime, which has plagued our formerly peaceful and tranquil town. I don’t know, but ever since 1967, Collinsport has been plagued with one gruesome murder after another. Who can ever forget how Mr. Wells, the longtime night clerk at the Collinsport Inn, and Sally Selby, the waitress at your own beloved Blue Whale Tavern, were both horribly eviscerated by some unknown crazy man or savage animal, along with the brutal deaths of newcomers Bruno Hess and Donna Friedlander?

Then there were the puzzling and gruesome deaths of former Collinsport resident Paul
Stoddard, the husband of prominent local citizen Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, Collinsport Sheriff Davenport and Maine State Police investigator Lawrence Gutherie, all who had appeared to have been “slimed to death” like Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd were “slimed” in the popular Ghostbuster movies.

Of course, what happened to longtime Collinsport residents Maggie Evans, Tom Jennings and Vicky Winters, among several others, who were bitten on the neck by some unknown animal of some sort?

I don’t have to mention how completely feckless and incompetent the Collinsport Police Department has been in “investigating” all of these terrible and mysterious deaths. Poor George Patterson was forced to resign as our longtime sheriff and retire to Key West, Florida after failing to solve any of these bizarre crimes.

Finally, Bob, I have to take to task your very own colleagues at “The Collinsport Star.” Why has no one at our longtime local newspaper attempted to delve into all of these gruesome and truly puzzling murders in our fair town? Are there no aspiring Bob Woodward’s or Carl Bernstein’s on the staff of “The Collinsport Star” to aggressively and doggedly pursue these ongoing crime stories?

If these terrible murders and unexplained deaths continue to occur in our beloved and formerly peaceful New England fishing village, I’m afraid that I will have to regretfully leave Collinsport forever to move to some lesser community like Fall River, Massachusetts or even Hoboken, New Jersey. (God forbid!)

Sincerely,

Buzz Hackett

Dear Buzz:

Always a pleasure to hear from one of our leading citizens. I recently asked our Editor, Willie... You remember Willie... Some of these Questions. He seemed indifferent. I'll ask again.

Hey, while we're here, remember your former would-be father in law, Jason? He stuck the Blue Whale with a outstanding tab when he left town all those years ago. With interest, it's about two grand. Any idea where we might dig him up?

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

What goes better with Roasted Pheasant? Now, I know, some would play it safe, and settle for Type O, because it "goes with everything." I don't mind prowling around in the dark for something better. A- or B+? Both are available locally, if one is willing to hunt a bit.

Signed,

Caped Crusader

[Sgt. Saunders]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Buzz:

Always a pleasure to hear from one of our leading citizens. I recently asked our Editor, Willie... You remember Willie... Some of these Questions. He seemed indifferent. I'll ask again.

Hey, while we're here, remember your former would-be father in law, Jason? He stuck the Blue Whale with a outstanding tab when he left town all those years ago. With interest, it's about two grand. Any idea where we might dig him up?

Cheers,


Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

I’m delighted to hear that Willie Loomis is now with the Collinsport Star. Does he still have that other job as Barnabas Collins’s handyman? I know that we all in town would like to finally get a look at his mysterious girlfriend, Roxanne.

Yeah, that fellow Jason McGuire was so shifty, that he even made Hunter Biden seem like the Rev. Billy Graham by comparison! Jason’s stiffing on that bar tab at the Blue Whale doesn’t surprise me at all.

As to Jason’s whereabouts today, the last I heard about him was from my former old lady, Carolyn Stoddard, who said that Jason was last seen heading over to the Old House to put the touch on his old pal, Willie Loomis. Maybe Jason just “disappeared” like Megan Todd, Tony Peterson and that mean, big guy, Adam, did? Although, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to finally learn that the larcenous Jason McGuire was taking a permanent “dirt nap” somewhere on the grounds of Collinwood.

I hope all is well with you and I hope you can make it to the next Young Republicans of Collinsport meeting, when we’ll discuss the pros and cons of another presidential run for Donald Trump in 2024.

All the best,

Buzz Hackett, President of the Jonas Brothers Fan Club

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

What goes better with Roasted Pheasant? Now, I know, some would play it safe, and settle for Type O, because it "goes with everything." I don't mind prowling around in the dark for something better. A- or B+? Both are available locally, if one is willing to hunt a bit.

Signed,

Caped Crusader

Dear Caped Crusader:

I don't know about Roasted Pheasant, I've always been a Stake man myself.

Cheers,

Bob

[WinstonNephron]

Dear Bartender Bob:

I work as the live in Housekeeper for a prominent local family, and I'm not one to gossip or anything, but....

A whole lot of very strange things happen in this old house, why it's enough to scare one out of their wits. Things go bump all through the night, and even in daylight.

How am I supposed to work like this?

Signed,

Cleaning In Fear

[WinstonNephron]

Originally Posted by WinstonNephron

Dear Bartender Bob:

I work as the live in Housekeeper for a prominent local family, and I'm not one to gossip or anything, but....

A whole lot of very strange things happen in this old house, why it's enough to scare one out of their wits. Things go bump all through the night, and even in daylight.

How am I supposed to work like this?

Signed,

Cleaning In Fear

Dear Cleaning In Fear:

You really need to drink more. If your working in the house I think you are, they won't even notice the few swigs you'll be taking throughout the day. From what I've heard, their monthly liquor bill exceeds the GDP of Liechtenstein.

Cheers,

Bob