The Big Happy Family - Episode 3: An Evening at Arnie’s

[TVLegend]

CAST:

Penny Lane - Doris Haney Carson

GUEST CAST:

Theda Bara - Dana Carson Brooks
opus - Thaddeus “Tad” Brooks
Dude111 - Arnie Knight
________________________________________________

*At Arnie’s place, Arnie is shown setting the table and getting the place together when the doorbell rings. Arnie’s hair, for some odd reason, is all wet*

Tad (loudly, at the door): It’s us, dawg!

Arnie (overly excited): Hold on, Mr. B! I’m coming. Hold your horses, buddy. Hold your horses.

*Arnie giggles before stopping and taking a deep sigh and eventually going to answer the door. At the door when he opens it is Tad, Dana, and Doris. Tad is holding a bottle a champagne in his hand*

Arnie (overly excited): What’s up, Mr. B?!

*Tad and Arnie shake hands*

Tad: Hey, buddy! How ya doing, man?

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie (overly excited): I’m doing good.

Tad: That’s good. That’s real good to hear.

Arnie (overly exited): Well, come on in.

*Tad enters the apartment and Arnie slams the door on Dana and Doris*

Tad: But, yeah, happy 10 years, man!

Arnie (overly excited): Gee, thanks, Mr. B. I appreciate it. But yeah, I can’t believe I’ve been working for you at the store for 10 years already.

Tad: Neither, can I, man! Neither can I!

*Tad chuckles*

Tad: Hey, I see you wet your hair for the occasion, huh?

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie (overly excited): Oh, yup, Mr. B! Yup! I sure did.

Tad: Arnie got that wet hair.

*Tad and Arnie laugh in unison*

Arnie (overly excited): You funny, Mr. B! You real funny!

Tad: I know! I’m quite the jokester, huh, man?

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie (overly excited): Yup. Say, what’s that in your hand?

Tad: Oh, it’s some champagne. Yup. I got it just for you.

*Tad hands Arnie the bottle of champagne*

Arnie (overly excited): Wow! Gee, thanks, Mr. B! You didn’t have to go out your way to get me this.

Tad: Oh, it’s nothing, bud. It’s nothing. Now you got something for whenever company comes over, huh?

Arnie: Well…I don’t never have no company over. It’s just me, myself, and I.

*Tad laughs*

Tad: Me, myself, and I!

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Yeah, ya’ll are pretty much the first people besides me and my landlord to set foot in here.

Tad: Well, that’s alright. You could still use that champagne to wet your hair. Get it?

*Tad and Arnie laugh in unison and Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Yeah! I get it! Yup!

*Arnie places the bottle of champagne on the table. There’s then a knock on the door*

Arnie (confused): Well, I wonder who that could be.

*Arnie goes and answers the door. At the door when he opens it is Dana and Doris, still standing in the hall*

Arnie (sorry): Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry! Where are my manners? Get in here with Mr. B.

*Dana and Doris enter the apartment*

Dana (sarcastically): Well, thank you for welcoming me in your home, Arnie.

CUT TO: Opening Credits


*Arnie closes the door behind Dana and Doris*

Arnie (overly excited): Well, it is a pleasure to have ya’ll in my home for the first time. I just can’t believe this is happening!

*Tad laughs*

Dana (obviously lying): Well, Arnie, it is a pleasure for us to visit your…showplace.

Doris: Speak for yourself, Dana.

*Arnie approaches Doris*

Arnie (loudly, talking to Doris): How ya doing, mama?! Is it too cold in here for ya, gal?!

*Doris rolls her eyes*

Doris: I’m just fine, Arnie, though, I wish you wouldn’t yell at me.

*Dana takes a seat on the couch*

Arnie (overly excited, talking to Dana): Dana, guess what, sweetie?

Dana: What, Arnie?

Arnie (overly excited): Today’s the 10th anniversary of the day that I started working for Mr. B! Oh, I don’t believe it!

Dana: I know, Arnie. Believe me, I know. Tad’s talked about it all day. I’m surprised you two ain’t having a 10th anniversary ceremony in here where Tad walks down the aisle and you two share a handshake before going on a honeymoon.

Arnie: Ya know, I like to think that Mr. B turned my life around.

Tad: For the better, huh, Arnie?

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Yeah.

Tad: I know, man. You coming to work for me was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Dana: Oh, really, sweetie? Even BETTER than settling down with the woman of your dreams and having two beautiful kids?

*Dana laughs*

Dana: Bless your heart.

Tad: Oh, come on, Dana. I was talking about business wise.

*Dana nods her head*

Dana: Oh, alright.

*Dana rolls her eyes*

Tad (talking to Arnie): Buddy, I’ll never forget your very first day. You were SUCH a natural.

Arnie: Really, Mr. B? Geez, I was so nervous, I thought I woulda gotten fired.

*Tad shakes his head*

Tad: Uh-uh. You was good. Wish there was more like you. I was BEYOND impressed. You were so good with the shoes, and the customers and all, and-

Doris: Excuse me, but are you gonna let a old lady stand here and count the seconds or can I sit down?

*Arnie shakes his head*

Arnie: Oh, no. You can sit down, mama. I’m sorry. But, wait a minute. Hold on.

*Doris rolls her eyes*

Arnie: I wanna show y’all around my apartment. Just to give a little tour.

Doris: That won’t be necessary, Arnie.

Arnie: Oh, but I want to.

*Arnie goes over and taps on the coffee table*

Arnie: Here’s my office, with the couch and the coffee table and the magazines and paper sitting on the table and stuff. I really make big decisions over in that area.

*Tad nods his head while Dana completely ignores Arnie*

Arnie: And what sweetie’s sitting on is the couch, which is my bed. Yup. It’s a plain bed, a bed full of plainness. But I’m proud of it.

Doris: I don’t know why.

Arnie: And over to the right is my kitchen. I’m thinking about putting the kitchen and the bathroom in the same room and making room for what I need to make room for. Yup. Imagine the convenience of scrambling eggs while you’re on the toilet.

*Arnie opens a small little door to the corner of the room*

Arnie: Here’s the pantry. Yup. Here’s my pantry.

*Arnie giggles*

Arnie: Ya see, this is where I put all my snacks at. Say, you wanna know something cool?

Tad: What, buddy?

Arnie: Sometimes I put my popsicles and ice cream in here since I ain’t got no freezer. Ya know, I think my pantry’s broke, because my ice cream never stays cold and I always get stomach aches after I eat it. Plus, my popsicles are starting to taste like hot soda.

*Doris smacks her lips*

Dana: No comment.

Arnie: Anyway, that other little door is the door to my bathroom. But yeah, that’s it, pretty much. Welcome in.

Doris: Well, Arnie. I don’t think I’ve seen nothing this homey since we rode over here in Tad’s truck.

*Tad smacks his lips*

Arnie: Oh…well, sit down, mama. Come on. You can have a seat in this saucer chair here. It does wonders for your back.

Doris: Well, I don’t think there’s nothing the matter with my back. Lemme try out this thing.

*Doris takes a seat in the saucer chair*

Doris: Well, NOW there’s something the matter with my back.

*Doris tries to get out of the chair but she can’t*

Doris: Well…what the hell? I can’t get out this damn thing! I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff.

Dana: Tad, don’t just stand there and look stupid. Give mama a lift.

*Arnie and Tad try to get Doris out of the chair but they soon realize that they are unable to*

Doris (in pain): Well, oww! Just let go!

*Doris slaps Arnie in the stomach*

Arnie: Uh-uh, Mr. B. We best call it a day with that method. She’s too heavy.

Doris (sarcastically): Well, thank you for the compliment.

Arnie: I think we’d be able to get her out if we just tipped the chair over, ya know what I mean?

*Tad nods his head*

Tad: Yeah. That makes sense.

Arnie (loudly): Watch out, mama! We’re gonna knock you outta the chair, woman!

*Doris smacks her lips*

Dana: Ya’ll sure y’all know what ya’ll doing?

Tad: We got it, Dana. This ain’t rocket science.

*Tad and Arnie tip the chair over which causes Doris to fall on the floor. Tad and Arnie then put the chair back down before Tad and Dana help Doris up off the floor*

Dana: You alright, mama?

*Doris nods her head*

Doris: I’m fine. You got any beer, Arnie?

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Oh, yeah. You can have one if you want.

Doris: Alright. Well, I do want one.

Dana: I want a beer too, Arnie.

Tad: I think imma get me a beer too, buddy.

*Arnie and Tad go into the kitchen and get some beers*

Dana: I don’t want no hot one, neither! I want a nice, cold one!

*Doris takes a seat at the table*

Doris: Well, Dana, don’t you think you should lay off the beer for just a second?

Dana: Correct me if I’m wrong, mama, but I’m pretty sure you asked for a beer too just a minute ago.

Doris: I drink for medicinal purposes.

Dana: Heh. Medicinal purposes my behind.

*Tad is shown entering the living room, drinking from a clear plastic cup of beer in his hand while Arnie is shown placing three cans of beer and two clear plastic cups on the table*

Tad: Please excuse the conversations that my wife and her mama partake in, Arnie.

*Dana laughs*

Dana: You really apologizing for our actions to Arnie, baby?

*Tad takes a seat on the couch next to Dana*

Arnie: Oh, it’s no big deal. I don’t mind it at all. In fact, I consider myself a part of this family. I should be getting used to this. I look up to ya’ll. Ya know, I never had much of a REAL family. I mean, sure, I had a mama, and a daddy, and a sister, but…my mama and daddy always used to abuse me, ya know? Verbally, that is. Especially my daddy. But they used to cuss at me, call me every name in the book, call me slow, dumb, stupid, naive, ********, special needs.

Doris: Mm-hmm.

Arnie (sobbing): I tried to end my life once, because of them. I was just SO unhappy.

*Tad is obviously heartbroken by Arnie’s confession while Doris and Dana don’t seem to care all that much*

Arnie: But…I got ya’ll now, so…I’m good. Anyway, here ya go, mama.

*Arnie picks up Doris’ beer and opens it and is about to pour it into a clear plastic cup before being stopped by her*

Doris: You ain’t gotta do that, Arnie. I’ll take mines right outta the can. I don’t trust nobody’s cups or glasses.

*Arnie hands Doris’ beer to her*

Doris: Thank ya, though, sweetheart.

*Arnie grabs another beer off the table and hands it and the clear plastic cup intended for Doris to Dana. Dana throws the clear plastic cup on the floor and opens her beer and gets to sipping*

Arnie: Don’t want your cup, sweetie?

Dana (annoyed): Why the hell do you keep calling me sweetie?

*Arnie picks the cup up off the floor and places it back on the table*

Arnie: You enjoying your beer, mama?

Doris: Arnie, sweetie, let me tell you something. I respect you and Tad’s friendship, but I don’t think that you know me well enough to be calling me mama, so please don’t.

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Oh, alright. I understand. Well, in that case…I’ll call you MAMA BEAR, my little…mama bear.

*Doris rolls her eyes while Tad gets up and walks over to the table*

Tad: Well, what’s this on the table in the bag, Arnie?

Arnie: Oh, that’s some candy from one of my Mexican friends. Yup. I call it “eating paper”, ‘cause it looks like little pieces of construction paper. It’s real good.

Tad: Well, I believe I’ll try some, if you don’t mind.

*Arnie shakes his head*

Arnie: Oh, no. Go ahead, pal. Dig in.

*Tad sits to the table*

Dana: Well, let me see what this tastes like.

*Dana has a seat at the table with Tad and Doris and so does Arnie. There is one last beer sitting on the table, and Arnie opens it and starts drinking. Tad opens up the bag of “eating paper” and he and Dana get some out the bag*

Tad (trying the “eating paper”): Mmm, mmm, mmm! Holy cow…this is some DAMN good candy!

*Tad seems to be enjoying the candy while Dana is struggling to eat it and obviously finds it rather disgusting*

Tad (talking to Doris): Want some “eating paper”, Miss Carson?

*Doris quickly shakes her head*

Doris: Uh-uh. I’m good, Tad. Thank you, though. I wouldn’t wanna spoil my appetite…that’s if Arnie’s feeding us tonight, that is.

*Arnie laughs*

Arnie: Yeah, mama bear. I’m feeding ya’ll tonight.

*Arnie laughs again*

Arnie (talking to Doris): You funny! You real funny!

Doris (puzzled by Arnie’s awkward laughing): Yeah, and you funny looking.

Tad (annoyed): Hey, now!

Arnie: Anyway, I thought we’d have Mexican food tonight.

Dana: Really?

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Oh, yeah. It’s gonna be real mean, too. I ordered some from Alejandro’s, across the street.

Tad: Good. I just love Mexican food, buddy!

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Good. Great.

*Arnie sighs*

Arnie: But, yeah…we’re just waiting for the food.

*Dana nods her head*

Dana: Oh, okay. Gotcha.

Arnie: Say, I got a idea. I think it’s a good one. How about I go and get the food I ordered?

Dana (sarcastically): Brilliant, Arnie. Just brilliant. You’re a regular Albert Einstein.

Arnie (not realizing that Dana’s being sarcastic): Gee, thanks! It just came to me.

*Arnie gets up*

Tad: You want me to go with you, buddy?

*Arnie shakes his head*

Arnie: Oh, no. You ain’t gotta do that. Just stay here and chill out. I’ll be back.

Tad: Well, alright. Bye.

Arnie: Bye, Mr. B!

*Arnie giggles and leaves out of the apartment. Dana then looks around the room to make sure that Arnie’s gone while Tad gets on his phone*

Dana (talking about Arnie while sipping on beer): I’m surprised asshat doesn’t piss on himself to save money around this tacky place.

Doris: I don’t know why the hell ya’ll dragged me over here!

Dana: Mama, WHAT are you talking about? You was the one that said you didn’t have a problem coming over here, and that you’d do anything to quit counting the cracks in the ceiling at home since Billy, Kyle, and Willow went on a trip and Aunt Shirley’s away visiting Aunt Dorothy Jean.

*Dana gets up*

Dana: So don’t act like we threw you in the back of the truck and put duct tape all on your mouth.

Doris: Well, I’d rather count the cracks all day at home than sit here in this funky hellhole.

Dana: To be honest with ya, mama, my idea of a good time ain’t exactly sitting here, watching Tad and Arnie make googly eyes at each other. But obviously us being here means something to that goofy, eccentric doofus, so why can’t you just make the best of it like I’m doing?

Doris: Well, I was actually hoping that Arnie’s apartment would be somewhat decent, but obviously, I was wrong. This dump actually makes your junkyard of a house look like a five star hotel.

Dana (angrily): LAY OFF OF MY HOUSE, MAMA!!! OUR PLACE IS WELL KEPT, AND DON’T YOU COMPARE IT TO THIS-

*Tad furiously gets up and doesn’t hesitate to cut off Dana*

Tad (furious): That’s enough, you two! Cut it out! And for the record, ARNIE is the one that wanted you two party poopers over here! I didn’t even want ya’ll to come, because I knew ya’ll wouldn’t hesitate to insult him and belittle him behind his back!

*Tad approaches Dana*

Tad (furious): I am sick of hearing you two babble on, so just zip it! Ya hear me?! Zip it! Leave Arnie the hell alone! And let me tell ya’ll something. As long as we’re in Arnie’s home, ya’ll are gonna be civil and peaceful! And that’s that!

Dana (sarcastically): Oh, yes, master.

*Tad takes the bag of “eating paper” and puts it in Doris’ face*

Tad (furious): Eat this damn candy right now, woman!

Doris (angrily): If you don’t get that DAMN crap out my face!

*Tad puts the bag of “eating paper” back on the table*

Doris (angrily): I told you I didn’t want none of that junk! Who knows where slow boy’s hands have been and if he washes them or not?! And then, only God knows what’s in them damn cups you two keep drinking out of!

Tad (furious): I have had it! I am sick and tired of watching you two viciously gang up on my buddy!

Dana: You just put Arnie Knight before your own kids, huh, Tad?! I’ll never forget the time that you told our boy to “get off his ass and go outside and come throw the football around the yard with you before he turns gay”! And that was just about a month ago!

Tad: Dana, you wouldn’t understand a father’s instincts! If Grayson keeps sitting around on the couch all day, doing stuff on his iPad, he’s bound to turn out to be a sissy that does hair when he grows up! God forbid.

*Dana rolls her eyes*

Dana: Oh, shut up, jackass! Face it, Tad. That Arnie Knight don’t know a damn thing about working in a shoe store.

Tad: Yes, he does, and don’t you deny it! I dunno what I’d do without Arnie! He’s the one that brings in all the customers, with his kind and welcoming attitude!

*Dana laughs*

Dana: Oh, whatever. Arnie is just DUMB.

*Tad smacks his lips*

Dana: He’s slow, he’s special, he’s stupid, and he’s just useless.

Tad: I don’t wanna hear that!

*Dana goes into the kitchen and gets her another beer before opening it and returning to the living room*

Tad: Hey, what the hell you doing just casually going into Arnie’s refrigerator?!

Dana (sipping on beer): F*ck that moron.

*Tad sighs and rolls his eyes*

Dana: Arnie’s the one that brings in all the customers. Gimme a break. He’s the one that drives all the customers away, acting a damn fool everywhere he goes.

Tad: Lies and garbage, Dana! Just flat out lies and garbage, as usual!

Dana: Who you telling? Brandy Riley said that she would not set foot in your store EVER again after she went there one time and Arnie Nitwit saw her come in and just started running around the room, singing the theme song to The Golden Girls.

Tad: That never happened!

Dana: There you go again, taking up for Arnie and acting like he never makes a total ass of himself! Lemme tell ya something. Arnie doesn’t need to be staying in no apartment, he needs to be cooped up in a mental hospital.

Tad: That is just so mean!

Dana: Oh, shut up. You see the way that whack job keeps calling me sweetie.

Doris: Yeah, something’s wrong with that boy. I knew that the first time I laid my eyes on him.

Tad (furious): Look, nothing’s the matter with Arnie, now quit picking on him! He just likes to stand out from the others! But he’s still a nice, decent person, just like the rest of us!

Dana: Heh. I wouldn’t say that, Tad. I mean, the man’s never been married, or in a serious relationship with someone with an IQ that can be taken seriously, so only God knows what that creep’s up to at night.

Tad (furious): For the last time, Arnie Knight’s not no lunatic, and he’s not no creep!

*A couple of seconds later, Arnie comes in with the Mexican food*

Arnie: I got it! I got the grub!

*Arnie giggles*

Tad: At last! I am starving, bud.

Arnie: That’s alright. It’s all good. I got the food right here, Mr. B.

*Arnie places the Mexican food on the table and Tad and Dana sit back down. Everyone, except for Doris, immediately digs in*

Arnie (having a seat): That Alejandro is FUNNY. Ya’ll should hear the voice he talks in. The way them Mexicans talk is hilarious. They talk like…

*Arnie clears his throat*

Arnie (mimicking the voice of a Mexican person): You must like them quesadillas a lot, huh, buddy? Hey, look here, man. I’m in a bind. Ya see, imma get deported, ‘cause I was too darn lazy to get my papers. But if I’m lucky enough, maybe I can earn my papers by fixing roofs.

*Tad laughs with Arnie in unison and nods his head while Doris and Dana roll their eyes*

Tad: Yeah, Arnie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. That’s how them people talk, Arnie. You right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That’s how they talk. Y-

Doris (annoyed): Will you shut up?!

Dana (sarcastically): Ya know, I just find it nice that you two can have a good laugh over mocking someone’s way of speaking.

Arnie (talking to Doris): Say, mama bear. Do you go for Mexican food?

*Tad laughs*

Doris: If you asking me if I eat it, I wouldn’t know. I’ve only had it a few times in my whole lifetime. It wasn’t nothing special to me.

Dana: Well, shoot, Arnie. Look at all of this. They got tacos, and quesadillas, and tamales, and guacamole and chips with some salsa too, and all that other stuff. How much did all of this cost?

Arnie: About $70.

Dana: Hmm.

Tad: Do you want a quesadilla, Miss Carson?

Doris: Well, good lord. Them questiondillas look beyond nasty.

Tad: Quesadillas, Miss Carson. Quesadillas.

Doris: Whatever you say. Whatever it is, just gimme a little piece of it. I don’t trust them crazy Mexicans too much. They’ll put anything in your food nowadays.

*Tad puts just a piece of quesadilla on Doris’ plate*

Arnie: You oughta enjoy them quesadillas, mama bear. Lord knows I do. I love all of Alejandro’s Mexican food, though. I love it to death. Shoot, I eat there three times a week.

Dana: Really, Arnie?

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Oh, yeah.

Dana: Wow. You eat it three times a week, and me and my hubby can’t afford it three times a year.

Doris: I could afford it, but I sure as hell don’t want it. Speaking of, my daddy had a sister named Alice who went into one of them Mexican places and was found dead in there three days later.

Tad (shocked): Well, how did she die?

Doris: I don’t know. She probably had a stroke drinking their waters or eating their food.

Tad: Wow. Well, I sure do feel bad for Aunt Alice. Say, Arnie. I think I’m gon’ get another beer.

Arnie: Oh, of course. Go ahead, Mr. B.

*Tad goes into the kitchen to get himself another beer*

Doris: This questiondilla tastes alright.

Arnie: Alright? Why, mama bear, it’s great.

Doris: Well, do forgive me Arnie if I don’t see what’s so special about greasy food that sends me running to the bathroom.

*Tad returns from the kitchen, sipping on beer*

Dana: Arnie, I still don’t get why you’d spend $70 just to feed us.

Arnie: Shoot, sweetie, what’s a generous raise from Mr. B. for if you can’t use it to feed your family?

*Tad nervously grabs Arnie by the neck*

Tad (nervous): Don’t mention it, Arnie.

Dana: Hold on, now. Hold on. A generous what?!

Tad (nervous): He didn’t say nothing-

Dana: Shut up, you.

Arnie: I said a generous raise.

*Arnie nods his head*

Arnie: Yeah. Mr. B.’s been laying a extra $20 a week on me for about…2 or 3 years now.

Dana: Well, why wasn’t I informed of this…Mr. B?

Tad (nervous): Uhh…Dana, honey, you know you’re not interested in what goes on at the shoe store.

*Tad sits back down at the table*

Dana: Oh, well I appreciate you sparing me a rundown of what goes on at the shoe store, baby. I guess that way, I won’t know that you give raises to your “buddies”. Never mind that you give me 10 cents to feed our family compared to Arnie Knight’s $20!

Doris (annoyed): Dana, stop talking and eat your food before it gets cold.

Dana (angrily): You stay outta this, old biddy!

*Dana gets up in anger*

Dana (angrily): You don’t have to put up with Tad’s crap 24/7! I should’ve killed the bastard for his insurance money when I had the chance!

*Tad chokes on his food in shock*

Doris: Well, I warned you not to marry him, but no, you had to the minute he proposed just to prove a point to me!

Dana (angrily): Who gives a damn about you, mama?!

Doris: That is enough, missy! You watch your tone before you won’t be watching nothing at all!

*Doris gets up*

Doris: Now, I didn’t come into this funky neighborhood to be treated poorly right in front of dumb and dumber!

Arnie: Now, I beg to differ, mama bear. I think this is a beautiful place, and-

Doris (angrily): Will you shut up, you little unsightly ******?! Ya’ll can have this nasty Mexican mess without me, but I’m leaving! I might as well walk home!

Dana: Wait a minute, mama. Slow your roll. You know that you cannot walk home. Let’s go, Tad. Time to take mama home. Say your last goodbyes to Arnie.

Doris: Goodbye, everybody. I’m waiting in the hall. I won’t stay in this pigpen for another second.

*Doris leaves out of the apartment*

Dana: Tad, I said let’s go! Bring your ass on!

*Tad gets up*

Tad: Here, Dana.

*Tad approaches Dana and hands the keys to her*

Tad: Arnie’s gonna give me a ride home.

*Dana nods her head*

Dana: Oh. I get it. Why just go home with your wife and your mother-in-law when you can sit up here and laugh and joke and goof around with a little louse who they can’t stand?

Arnie (not realizing that Dana’s insulting him): Well, gee…thanks, sweetie.

Dana (angrily): Shut up! Do you realize how dangerous these streets are? And you want me to take the truck, at night, without you?! Thaddeus, I have tried my BEST to hold my tongue about Arnie Knight just to please you! But I am through with pleasing and kissing ass! You have made it more than clear that Arnie is more important than your wife and your family! You need to make a decision if you want to be with me! Either Slowja Boy goes or I go! But I am tired of you screwing with my emotions! Now…I’m hoping you’ll make a wise decision…for the sake of our marriage.

*Tad sighs*

Tad: Fine, I’m coming.

Dana: Oh, I knew you’d come to your senses, baby.

Tad: When hell freezes over, that is! Now, I came over to celebrate Arnie’s 10 years, if you wanna bail out, then that’s on you. By all means, go ahead. But your nagging won’t stop me from being here for my buddy and my employee. So, with all due respect, madam…beat it.

*Dana turns and looks at Tad in shock*

Dana (angrily): HOW DARE YOU?!

*Dana leaves out of the apartment*

Doris (in the hallway): Dana, I was thinking that we could swing by McDonald’s to get that Mexican crap outta our mouths.

Dana (in the hallway): I’ll think about it, mama.

Doris (in the hallway): Well, it’s nothing to think about. Just drive your ass over there.

Dana (in the hallway): Mama, will you PLEASE just STOP?!

Doris (in the hallway): Dana, what kinda daughter refuses to grant her OWN mama a trip to McDonald’s?!

Dana (in the hallway): Mama, I’m not going to no damn McDonald’s, and that is final!

Arnie: Say, Mr. B. Come get the Mexican food before it gets cold.

Tad: Oh, you right, Arnie. I should do just that.

*Tad sits back down*

Tad: Where’s the tamales? I want some of them.

Arnie: Here, Mr. B.

*Arnie hands the tamales to Tad*

Tad: Thanks, buddy. Maybe I could use another taco too. I love them thangs.

Arnie: Go ahead, Mr. B. Help yourself.

Tad: Help yourself!

*Tad and Arnie laugh in unison*

Tad: That is FUNNY, Arnie! You are just hilarious.

*Tad grabs a taco from one of the plates when Dana comes back in and takes the taco out of his hand and collects all the plates*

Tad: Well, what the…

Dana: Well, at least me and my two babies are gonna eat good tonight!

*Dana leaves out of the apartment again. Tad then sighs*

Tad: Well, man…cheers to 10 years, I guess.

Arnie: Cheers, buddy.

*Arnie giggles and he and Tad clink their beer cans and get back to sipping*


CLOSING CREDITS…

THE END

[Wawwie]

I finally got around to this. It's very good so far. I've read about 70% of it. I'll read more later. So far, Dana seems like a really bitchy nit-picking shrew. So far, Tad seems like a great friend to Arnie but a bit of a crappy dad, calling his son a gay sissy if he doesn't throw around the football. Sounds like Tad has a bit of a hang-up.

Nice work. I'll finish soon.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

I finally got around to this. It's very good so far. I've read about 70% of it. I'll read more later. So far, Dana seems like a really bitchy nit-picking shrew. So far, Tad seems like a great friend to Arnie but a bit of a crappy dad, calling his son a gay sissy if he doesn't throw around the football. Sounds like Tad has a bit of a hang-up.

Nice work. I'll finish soon.

What are your opinions on Doris in this episode? And what about Arnie? Does he come off as a little “crazy” to you like he does to Dana and Doris?

[Wawwie]

Almost done.... just had to take another break to tell you that this part had me majorly LOLing!

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Dana: Oh. I get it. Why just go home with your wife and your mother-in-law when you can sit up here and laugh and joke and goof around with a little louse who they can’t stand?

Arnie (not realizing that Dana’s insulting him): Well, gee…thanks, sweetie.

You gave the role of "Arnie" to Dude111. This is SO Dude!

You asked about Doris. I thought she could have been a little more polite.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Almost done.... just had to take another break to tell you that this part had me majorly LOLing!


You gave the role of "Arnie" to Dude111. This is SO Dude!

You asked about Doris. I thought she could have been a little more polite.

LOL. Yeah, Arnie’s a little “special”, but that doesn’t matter to Tad. He still loves him like a brother, and he will always stand up for him, even if Doris calls him “slow boy” or a “retard” or if Dana calls him a louse.

What did you think about Tad giving Arnie raises? Do you think Dana had a right to be upset or no?

[Wawwie]

Just finished... nice episode!

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

What did you think about Tad giving Arnie raises? Do you think Dana had a right to be upset or no?

I think Dana has a right to be upset ONLY if the raises affects family finances in a negative way, otherwise, she needs to mind her damn business.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

I think Dana has a right to be upset ONLY if the raises affects family finances in a negative way, otherwise, she needs to mind her damn business.

Well, Dana obviously wanted Tad to pay for the raises. After all, she DID let him go without the rest of his supper. Poor Arnie, he wants to treat his “family” to some Mexican food just this ONE time, with his OWN money, and Dana just takes it all and runs out.

Speaking of Dana, it could be possible that she’s jealous of the relationship that Tad and Arnie have. As for Doris, it seems that she just can’t stand Arnie aka “Slow boy”.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Poor Arnie, he wants to treat his “family” to some Mexican food just this ONE time, with his OWN money, and Dana just takes it all and runs out.

That was a real bitch move on Dana's part. Totally uncalled for and vicious.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

That was a real bitch move on Dana's part. Totally uncalled for and vicious.

Well…at least her and her two babies are gonna eat good tonight.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Well…at least her and her two babies are gonna eat good tonight.

The bitch should have just taken her mama to McDonald's where she could buy happy meals for her babies. She should have left the Mexican food with Arnie and Tad. Evil wicked witch!

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

The bitch should have just taken her mama to McDonald's where she could buy happy meals for her babies. She should have left the Mexican food with Arnie and Tad. Evil wicked witch!

McDonald’s might’ve been too expensive, and since Tad owed her an apology, she thought that she’d prove it to him by grabbing all the Mexican food that Arnie got from Alejandro’s and leaving. Remember, Dana doesn’t give a damn about Arnie’s feelings, she did say that the “moron” could f*ck himself.

[TVLegend]

Speaking of, Wawwie, just curious, do you like Mexican food? I could actually see you being like Doris and bring up your Aunt Alice while everyone else is trying to eat in peace.

[Wawwie]

Speaking of Mexican food, I had some terrific Tex-Mex for dinner tonight. I had the fiesta veggie burrito bowl, potatoes w/ queso and some tortilla chips. Loved it! Arnie's tamales sounded good, too. Next time, I'll get some corn tamales. Pupusas are great too, smothered in pico de gallo. Very tasty!

Anyway, Dana was beyond rude to mama when she asked to go to McDonald's, but nothing compares to how rude she was to Arnie.

[TVLegend]

Arnie seems to have it hard. His parents were aware of his developmental disability, yet still constantly yelled at him, swore at him, called him every name in the book during his childhood, etc. And then, here, Arnie is nice enough to invite Dana and Doris into his home and he allows them to feel like it’s theirs, yet those nasty gals still make fun of his apartment every chance they get and just make fun of him in general. Especially Dana, calling him “Slowja Boy”. Dana must feel incredibly threatened by Arnie to treat him like such crap. You see she made sure he left before calling him asshat, nitwit, idiot, doofus, moron, ********, etc.