Laugh Now Cry Later - Episode 1: Whatever Happened to Richard Von Drake?

[TVLegend]

WARNING: This might take a while to read through.

Note: The following is not something I recently came up with. This, in fact, is older than Livin’ The Life. I forgot to post this here a while back and I’m just doing so.

Guest Stars:

David Faustino as Richard Von Drake
Ed O’Neill as Himself
Allen Payne as Sean
JoAnna Garcia Swisher as Sadie
Allison Lanier as Hope
Patrika Darbo as Ella


Scene 1 - Int. Living Room - Afternoon

*As we open, Solomon, Jaden, and Chance are shown sitting on the couch, watching Granny Hilda Goes To Anger Management: The Play on TV. On TV, Ellen and Vincent are shown talking when Granny Hilda barges into the house with a gun in her hand*

Granny Hilda (furious, loudly): Hang on! Who is this?! You better tell me who the hell’s in my house!

Ellen: Granny Hilda, I can explain!

Granny Hilda (furious, loudly): Well, you better get to explaining, then, ‘cause I’m fixin’ to give you a what for!

*Granny Hilda fires her gun*

Ellen (nervously): Granny Hilda, you don’t have to give me no what for. This is my friend, Vincent. He doesn’t hurt anyone.

Granny Hilda (loudly): He’s your friend, huh?! That must mean he’s…

*Granny Hilda approaches Ellen and shakes her butt in front of her while “Hot in Herre” by Nelly plays*

Granny Hilda (loudly): Using your vagina as a public toilet. That’s what friendship means to me.

*Ellen quickly shakes her head*

Ellen: No, Granny Hilda. It’s not like that at all. It’s just-

Granny Hilda (loudly): Shut up, girl! D.J., get in here!

*A couple of seconds later, D.J. enters the living room and approaches Granny Hilda*

D.J.: Yes, Granny Hilda?

Granny Hilda: Didn’t I tell you to go put your bowl up when you finished eating cereal?

*Granny Hilda points to the empty bowl on the coffee table. D.J. then nods his head*

D.J.: Yes, Granny Hilda.

Granny Hilda: Why didn’t you do that?

D.J.: I-

*Granny Hilda fires her gun at D.J. and misses and he nervously runs off into the other room*

Granny Hilda (loudly): I’m sorry, it’s just that little ungrateful brats like him make me mad as hell! He lives here rent free, the least he can do is clean up after himself!

Ellen: He’s a little kid, Granny Hilda.

Granny Hilda (loudly): I don’t care! He needs to learn his place!

*Granny Hilda clears her throat*

Granny Hilda (under her breath): A round of applause from the audience.

*The audience doesn’t give a round of applause*

Granny Hilda (louder): I said…a round of APPLAUSE from the AUDIENCE!

*The audience still doesn’t give a round of applause*

Granny Hilda (very loudly): I said…a round of applause from the damn audience!

*Granny Hilda fires her gun and the audience instantly gives a round of applause*

Ellen: I’m sorry, Vincent. Please forgive my Aunt Hilda.

Granny Hilda: Oh, you apologizing for me, Ellen? Anyways, what was it you were saying about your special friend?

Ellen: Well…his name is Vincent and he’s a good, Christian man.

Granny Hilda: With benefits?

*Ellen nods her head*

Ellen: With benefits.

Granny Hilda: Shoot, why didn’t you say that in the first place?

*Granny Hilda grabs Vincent’s face and pushes it into her bosoms*

Ellen: Granny Hilda!

Granny Hilda: What? I’m just trying to get to know your special friend.

*Vincent removes his face from Granny Hilda’s bosoms in shock*

Granny Hilda: Vincent, you can get me for no extra charge. Hell, this booty is still good, you can check the expiration date on it. I ain’t lying.

*Granny Hilda shakes her butt in front of Vincent while “Hot in Herre” by Nelly plays again. We are then switched back to Solomon, Jaden, and Chance*

Chance: Why we watching a Richard Von Drake play?

Solomon: Oh, shut up, boy. It just so happens that Richard Von Drake is holding the open casting call for the leading man in his new play and I’m preparing for my audition.

Chance: Yo’ audition? You mean a acting audition?

*Solomon nods his head*

Solomon: Yup. The acting audition of a lifetime.

Chance: For what? You don’t act.

Solomon: I don’t act?! What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Your uncle was once a passionate, dedicated thespian.

Jaden: That sound gay to me.

Solomon: Shut up, Jaden. I was the original choice for Smokey off of Friday.

Chance: You? Smokey?

*Chance laughs*

Chance: Quit lying.

Solomon: I ain’t lying.

Chance: Why you tryna act at your age?

Solomon: I’m only 46. Plus, Richard looking for mature men. The thing said “Casting for a black leading man, 40 and older, not allergic to baby oil, no shirt required”. That’s me all day.

Jaden: Why the Von Drake dude looking for a black man if he white?

Solomon: ‘Cause color don’t matter to him, Jaden. He is a activist, one hell of a Trump-hater, and a democrat. Now, that’s the definition of America.

Chance: So you still don’t think you too old for the stuff you do, Uncle Solomon?

Solomon: Why can’t I be a sex symbol or a heartthrob?

Jaden: A heartthrob?

*Solomon nods his head*

Solomon: Yeah.

Jaden: What that mean?

Solomon: It means a male celebrity who is known for his good looks.

Jaden: Hmm. Well, all that sound like nerd words to me.

*Solomon rolls his eyes*

Jaden: Anyway, I say do the acting stuff ‘fore it be too late, and it’s gonna be too late REAL soon, so…yeah, hurry up.

Solomon: Thank you, Jaden. I’m gon’ really let him have it. Imma shown him my stuff and…give him everything I got. That’s what I’m gon’ do.

Jaden: Pause!

Solomon (confused): What?

Jaden: You said something sus, so you gotta say no homo or you gay.

Solomon: What does sus mean?

Jaden: It mean suspect or gay.

Solomon: What I said that was gay?

Jaden: You said you was gon’ give Von Drake everything you got.

Solomon: That ain’t gay.

Jaden: So you gon’ f*ck him then?

Solomon: What?

Jaden: I said you gon’ f*ck him then?

Solomon: Stop using that kind of language ‘fore I f*ck you up with my belt. Anyway, all I said was I was gon’ give the man everything I got.

Jaden: Pause, Uncle Solomon. You sound sus, and if it’s sus, then it’s sus, so you gotta say no homo. How I know you not a homo if you don’t say no homo?

Solomon: I ain’t saying no homo.

Jaden: Aight, homo.

Solomon (angrily): Stop calling me a homo!

Jaden: Then say no homo, dude!

Solomon (angrily): I don’t want to. Imma homo yo’ ass if you don’t stop saying no homo!

Jaden (under his breath): No homo.

Solomon (angrily): What you say?

Jaden: Nothing. Go back to recording yo’ lame shows.

*Solomon rolls his eyes*

Solomon: Shut up, clown.

*A man and a woman are shown arguing*

Chance: The classic Richard Von Drake story starts off with a beautiful, educated, God-fearing white woman trapped in a abusive marriage with a dark-haired dude from Criminal Minds.

Woman (emotionally): How could you do this to me, David?!

Man: Get out! I’m gonna cheat on you with my secretary because you are too damn virtuous and patient and you might make me a better man!

*The woman is later shown answering the door. At the door when she opens it is a shirtless, blond-haired gardener who just got out of jail*

Chance: Then, the John Travolta-looking dude shows up as the shirtless, blond-haired gardener who just got out of jail.

Gardener: Excuse me, ma’am. I’m a blond-haired man so can I rake ya leaves?

Chance: At first, the white woman acts like she doesn’t like the shirtless, blond-haired-gardener…

*The woman is shown getting turned on while watching the gardener rake leaves in the yard*

Chance: But…she starts to see the good in him, after we sit through a long restaurant scene.

*The woman is later shown sitting in a restaurant, all alone while drinking a glass of wine, crying, and witnessing a blond-haired man propose to his girlfriend*

Music: Well groomed, blond-haired men proposing at restaurants! I’m sitting here alone at the restaurant for some reason! The blond-haired man from jail is raking my leaves, while the dark-haired man is breaking my heart! How will I recover?! I look so sad and miserable and stressed out! How will I make it out in time?!

*The woman and the gardener are later shown sitting on the couch in the living room*

Gardener: Honey, I know that to you I’m just a common, blond-haired gardener who can’t even afford a decent shirt, but I love me some Jesus Christ and I love me a good woman, and you’re a good woman.

Woman (excited): Oh, Lord, thank you, Jesus! I never thought I’d ever be in love with a man so loving and shirtless!

*The woman and the gardener hug*

Gardener: And I will always be shirtless for you, sweet cheeks.

*The gardener gives the woman a kiss on the forehead*

Chance: Being a good, Christian woman, the white woman gives her marriage one last chance after learning that her dark-haired husband got shot in his office because God said so.

*The man and the woman are shown arguing again*

Man (angrily): For the last time, I’m not paralyzed, damnit! I’m rich and dark-haired, so naturally, I hate you and I hate Jesus!

*The man is about to slap the woman when the gardener suddenly enters the room and stops him*

Chance: Just as the dark-haired dude from Criminal Minds is about to hit his wife, the shirtless, blond-haired gardener comes in and saves the day.

Gardener (furious): Hold it right there, evil, dark-haired guy from Criminal Minds! Just what the hell were you about to do?!

Man (angrily): I am talking to my wife, so butt out!

Gardener (furious): Don’t make me use my gardeners tricks I learned from gardener school on you.

*The dark-haired man sighs*

Man: Fine, you can have my wife. We’ll get a divorce and I’ll…leave her alone.

*The dark-haired man leaves as the woman and the gardener reunite and kiss*

Chance: After that, the story ends with the woman and the gardener kissing, having found true love through God, Jesus Christ, and dumpster sex.

*Granny Hilda is shown entering the room and dancing a jig of glee while “Hot in Herre” by Nelly plays*

CUT TO: OPENING CREDITS


Scene 2 - Int. Audition Waiting Room - Afternoon

*The next day, Solomon is shown in the waiting room with a bunch of men, waiting to audition*

Solomon (under his breath): I’m sweatin’ bullets like crazy. There shouldn’t be THIS many people here just for a play.

Ed O’Neill: Just for a play? Let me tell ya something, it starts with the play, and if Von Drake likes you enough, you’re in the movie of the play, and if Von Drake liked you in the movie of the play, then you’re in the TV spinoff of the movie of the play.

Solomon (shocked): Wait a minute, you Ed O’Neill. You played Al Bundy on FOX’s Married With Children.

*Ed O’Neill nods his head*

Ed O’Neill: Yep.

Solomon: Well, what you doing here? I thought the role called for a black man. You ain’t black, unless you got that Michael Jackson thing goin’ on.

Ed O’Neill: Well, it’s a long story, but I’m one of Richard Von Drake’s partners.

Solomon: What you mean “partners”?

Ed O’Neill: We used to do business together.

Solomon: What kind of business?

Ed O’Neill: You’ll see. I’m REAL fond of Richard and he’s fond of me.

Solomon (awkwardly): Umm…okay.

*A couple of seconds later, Richard Von Drake enters with a rather attractive woman named Sadie*

Solomon: That’s Richard, huh?

Ed O’Neill: Yep. My kind of guy.

*Richard stares at Solomon*

Solomon: What the hell he staring at me for?

Richard: Will you take care of business for me, Sadie?

Sadie: Sure thing, Mr. Von Drake.

*Richard leaves the room*

Sadie (talking to Solomon): Umm, sir, Mr. Von Drake would like to see you.

Solomon: He would?

Sadie: Yeah, and by the way, before you go in there…you won’t be needing that shirt.

Solomon: Well, hold on, cutie pie. You extremely gorgeous for a white woman, but I ain’t fast like that.

Sadie: Oh, no! Not for me, for Mr. Von Drake.

Solomon: For Mr. Von Drake?

*Sadie nods her head*

Sadie: Yeah.

Solomon (furious): Well, what the hell he-

*Solomon quickly stops himself*

Solomon: I’m sorry. It’s for the part, huh?

*Sadie nods her head*

Sadie: Yeah.

*Sadie walks off. Solomon is later shown in Richard’s study, shirtless while Richard is surrounded by a group of other shirtless men*

Richard: Jesus told me in my next play that Granny Hilda should find herself a man, hence why I decided to call this upcoming play “Granny Hilda Finds Herself A Gentleman Caller”. So, with that being said, do you believe that you’re man enough for Granny Hilda, Solomon?

*Solomon shrugs his shoulders*

Solomon: I don’t know.

Richard: Granny Hilda doesn’t want a man who isn’t sure of something.

Solomon: Well, fine. I think I’m man enough for Granny Hilda.

Richard: Well, in that case, try this line: “Granny Hilda, you are a wonderful woman, with an even better ass. You’re strong, wise, considerate, and your cooking is stellar.”

Solomon: Umm…Granny Hilda-

Richard: Hold on, Solomon. Something seems off.

Solomon: What is it?

Richard: You need lotion. Nice, slippery, soothing lotion. And the lotion needs to be applied heavily to your chest. Bruno!

*Bruno approaches Solomon with a bottle of lotion in his hand. He then squirts lots of lotion on his hands and rubs it on Solomon’s chest*

Solomon: Well, that was awfully sexual.

Bruno: All done.

Richard: Thank you, Bruno. You’re such a gentleman.

*Bruno walks off*

Richard: Continue, Solomon.

Solomon: Alright, I’ll try. Granny Hilda, you are a wonderful-

Richard (focused on Solomon’s chest): That’s it! Breathtaking, magnificent!

Solomon (confused): What’s “breathtaking and magnificent”?

Richard (focused on Solomon’s chest): Your chest! God blessed me with that beautiful chest!

Solomon: Why you looking at my chest like that?

Richard: Oh, don’t fret, Solomon. It’s just part of the job.

*Richard sighs*

Richard: Ya know, I remember there was a time where I felt sad and depressed after my very first play was a failure, so one day, I sat down to write another one and I asked Jesus if he could co-write with me and he said yes. So I told Jesus that I wanted to make plays for heartbroken women and I asked him what women wanted to see, and that’s when he told me all women want to see sexy men. Sexy, shirtless, jobless men. And since then, I have searched the world for the sexiest American men alive, and by golly, I’ve found them. My little shirtless men. Believe me, Jesus was PLEASED.

Solomon: Damn, I didn’t know religion worked that way.

*Richard nods his head*

Richard: Yep. But anyways, after I took care of the shirtless men, I asked Jesus how could I possibly further spread his message on Earth, and he told me I could via crossdressing. So, I put on a dress and a big wig, and believe me, once I did, Jesus was PLEASED once again. So, with that dress, that wig, and these beautiful, hunky gifts from heaven, I have made a name for myself, and soon, I will destroy Seth MacFarlane and my supremacy of Hollywood will be complete!

Solomon: What you talkin’ ‘bout Seth MacFarlane for?

Richard: We don’t allow just anyone on the job, Solomon. Do you except Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?

Solomon: Yeah…I guess.

Richard: Well, then…get on your knees, Solomon.

*Solomon doesn’t get on his knees and Richard sighs in frustration*

Richard (frustrated): Do I have to do everything myself?!

*Richard takes his hand and pushes Solomon’s head with it, bringing Solomon to his knees*

Solomon (shocked): Damn, you got big hands for somebody short!

Richard: Silence! Do you fully except Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, Solomon?

Solomon: Yes.

Richard: Do you except me, Richard Von Drake, as the representative and God-fearer of Jesus Christ in the play, TV, and movie business?

Solomon: I guess. I ain’t got no problem with that.

Richard: And lastly, do you renounce Seth MacFarlane and all his works?

Solomon: Well, I mean…ya gotta like Family Guy.

Richard (louder): Do you renounce Seth MacFarlane and all his works?!

Solomon: I renounce Seth MacFarlane.

Richard: Louder!

Solomon (louder): I renounce Seth MacFarlane!

Richard: And all his works!

Solomon: Yes…and all his works!

Richard: Including Family Guy?!

Solomon: Yes, including Family Guy, damnit! Including Family Guy!

Richard: Rise, my new leading man!

*Solomon slowly gets up as everyone claps*

Richard: Anyways, we’re having a fondue shindig at the compound tonight. You should totally come, Solomon.

Solomon: Okay…I will, I guess.

CUT TO: Scene 3


Scene 3 - Int. Living Room - Evening

*Solomon is shown back at his house, sitting in the living room with Jaden, Chance, and Sean*

Solomon: Thanks for agreeing to watch the boys tonight, Sean. They a handful.

Sean: Oh, it’s no problem, cousin. This is your big break, and you deserve to have fun. You don’t need two kids stressing you out.

Jaden (talking about Sean under his breath): Stupid, ugly ass.

Sean: See what I mean? Anyway, what is Richard like?

Solomon: Richard Von Drake?

*Sean nods his head*

Sean: Yeah.

Solomon: Well, he’s a nice guy. I mean, he’s soft spoken, down-to-earth and he don’t look at me funny when I bitch about my cousin Tamika getting a pie from the SUPERMARKET instead of a bakery for Thanksgiving. I’m still pissed about that.

Sean: Solomon, I STILL don’t care ‘bout what Tamika got you for Thanksgiving, so please suck it up and let it go.

*Solomon sucks his teeth in aggravation*

Solomon: But anyway, yeah. Richard’s not bizarre or peculiar or suspect or even FREAKY in the least bit. Yup. Nothing out of the ordinary. He’s your average playwright.

Sean: Yeah, that’s Richard. He the best, man. He pretty cool for a short white guy.

Solomon: That’s what I said, ya know?

Sean: Yeah. But what I like about Richard Von Drake’s work is that he can make me laugh, cry, pray, and pee over the course of two to three hours. That right there is what America need more of. Say, are there gonna be any hot and heavy love scenes? And who the lucky leading lady?

Solomon: Umm…they ain’t cast the leading lady yet, but I’m sure it’s gon’ be that good-lookin’ Sanaa Lathan or maybe Halle Berry or even Kylie Jenner or Taylor Swift.

Jaden: Uncle Solomon, stop all that lying. You know yo’ leading lady is a man.

Sean: Huh?

Solomon: Shut up, boy. You don’t know a damn thing. Don’t listen to him, Sean.

Chance: You ain’t gotta lie no more, uncle. We read the script.

Solomon (angrily): What?! How could you read that script?! That thing was sacred and powerful and top secret!

Jaden: That thing was sh*tty and sh*tty and sh*tty. That’s what it was.

Solomon: Hey, boy! What I say about using them words?!

Jaden: Don’t front, Uncle Solomon. You playing a dude’s boyfriend. That ain’t nothing to be proud of. Then it’s that Richard Von Drake dude in a dress.

*Jaden laughs*

Sean: Wait a minute. You playing Granny Hilda’s boyfriend, Solomon?

Solomon: No, I’m playing her man.

Sean: What difference do it make?

Solomon: It ain’t no big deal, Sean. They don’t got no love scenes.

Jaden: Uncle Solomon gon’ need to have “No homo” tattooed on his head after this one.

*Jaden laughs*

Solomon: Shut up! They don’t got no love scenes!

Sean: Ya know what, Solomon? You do right to play a man’s boyfriend. I mean, you starting to become a real actor now, completely dedicated to the part. I say go through with the love scene.

Solomon (angrily): They ain’t got no love scene, knucklehead!

Jaden: It’s still nasty and GAY. The Von Drake dude wear a dress.

Solomon: God told him to wear that dress. You just hating ‘cause God don’t love you.

CUT TO: Scene 4


Scene 4 - Ext./Int. Compound - Night

*Solomon is shown knocking on the door of Richard’s rather mysterious compound. Seconds later, Sadie answers*

Sadie: Come in, Solomon. We’ve been waiting for you.

Solomon: Hmm. I don’t mind coming in, sweet cheeks. You looking awfully good tonight.

Sadie: I know.

*Sadie leads Solomon into a dark room. She then turns the lights on to reveal Richard standing there with a group of people, wearing the Granny Hilda costume*

Richard (singing): Hello, how do you do?

*Solomon has a confused look on his face*

Richard (singing): We’re so glad you joined our crew. Welcome to our lovely compound! Where it all goes down! Hot oil, bananas, and cream! White unicorns and wet dreams! Rainbow and lace, oh, it makes wanna scream! Anything is possible with Jesus on my team!

*Richard tears off his Granny Hilda costume, wearing nothing but a bra and underwear*

Richard (singing): It’s alright to cross dress for Christ! The good lord gave me a vision! To make plays and dress like women! To wear corsets and real fine linen! Big bras with a lot of padding in ‘em! Am I feminine? I know you have suspicions! But I’m all man, trust me, we could switch positions! It’s alright to cross dress for Christ! It’s alright to cross dress for Christ! Yeah!

*Everyone gives Richard a round of applause, except for Solomon, who is still very confused and shocked*

Solomon: Uh, is all that in the play?

*Richard laughs*

Richard: Oh, no. We do things like this for fun.

*Richard approaches Solomon*

Richard: Come on, let me show you around, buddy.

*Richard takes Solomon to show him around the compound*

CUT TO: Scene 5


Scene 5 - Ext. Compound - Night

*Later, Richard is shown outside with Solomon, showing him around the compound*

Richard: Ya know, the cast and crew of my plays are like family. We work together, eat together, pray together, and basically stay together.

Solomon: Oh, how nice.

Richard: I can’t wait to show you where you’ll be staying.

Solomon: What?

Richard: I said I can’t wait to show you where you’ll be staying.

Solomon (confused): Well, I can wait. What the hell you taking ‘bout?

Richard: Oh, I’m sorry, Solomon. Where are my manners? I must have forgot to tell you that you’ll live here at the compound during the run of the play. Ya see, I want everyone totally immersed in the production.

Solomon: Hold on, now. You told me this was gon’ be a fondue shindig. You didn’t say nothing about staying here.

Richard: Well, it’s part of the shindig, so just go along with it.

*Solomon’s cellphone rings*

Richard: And by the way, we don’t allow outside calls here. We MUST remove all distractions.

Solomon: Well, I’m sorry, Richard, but I gotta take this. It might be my nephews. You see, I’m their sole legal guardian.

Richard (frustrated): Oh, you just love to make me angry, don’t you?! Answer the damn phone, and tell them you won’t be coming home for a VERY long time! And make it quick!

Solomon: Ya know what? I’ll just call ‘em back later.

Richard (frustrated): I said answer the F*CKING phone because this will be your only chance!

*Solomon answers the phone*

Solomon (on the phone): Hey, boys.

*Jaden and Chance are shown at the house*

Chance (on the phone): Hey, Uncle Solomon. You must be coming home late, huh? How long rehearsal is?

*It switches back to Solomon and Richard at the compound*

Solomon (on the phone): Yeah, about that…Jeffrey Dahmer here is trying to keep me away from ya’ll and-

*Richard pinches Solomon in anger*

Solomon (in pain): Oww!

*It switches back to Jaden and Chance at the house*

Chance (on the phone): You good, Uncle Solomon?

*It switches back to Solomon and Richard at the compound*

Solomon (on the phone): Yeah, I’m good, it’s just that…I ain’t coming home for a while so don’t wait up.

*It switches back to Jaden and Chance at the house*

Chance (on the phone): What?

*It switches back to Solomon and Richard and the compound*

Solomon (on the phone): I said…I ain’t coming home for a while. But don’t worry, I should be back in a week or two or maybe a month or two or maybe a year or two, ‘cause…we got a lotta rehearsal stuff to do. But…bye. See ya next decade. Pray more often.

*Solomon hangs up*

Richard: That’s my leading man.

CUT TO: Scene 6


Scene 6 - Int. Stage - Afternoon

*Everyone is shown getting ready to rehearse on the stage for the first time when Richard walks up*

Richard: This is a great day, ladies and gentlemen. The first day of rehearsals for “Granny Hilda Finds Herself A Gentleman Caller”. So, since it’s the first day, let’s start off by praying.

*Everyone comes together for a moment of silence as Richard prays*

Richard (praying): Lord, you are a wonderful savior, and not a bad producing partner either…

Solomon (thinking in his head): Yes! I can’t believe it! I really got cast in a Richard Von Drake play!

*Solomon turns and looks at the woman standing next to him’s breasts*

Solomon (under his breath): Hot damn, she got a pair of boobies! They look natural too! Maybe this play was better than I thought it was.

Richard (praying): In God’s name we pray. Amen.

*Richard finishes praying and everyone goes back to doing what they were doing*

CUT TO: Scene 7


Scene 7 - Int. Compound - Later That Day

*Ella is shown approaching Solomon*

Ella: Oh, we’re so happy you’re here with us, Solomon. Jesus is so good, I mean, he blessed us with fried chicken and green beans and mashed potatoes and smothered corn and deep fried pork skins dipped in dark chocolate with some hot sauce. He is great!

Solomon: Uh, yeah…he great.

Ella: Why, I’ve been working with Mr. Von Drake for over 15 years. And I ain’t about to stop.

Solomon: Wow. Yo’ family must be really proud.

Ella: Honey, I don’t talk to my family no more because this is my family now. And soon it’ll be yours too.

Solomon: Really. Ya think so?

*Ella nods his head*

Ella: Oh, yeah. Mr. Von Drake just loves him some men. Since you’re a newbie, I think you’ll be in training for quite some time.

Solomon: In training?

*Ella nods his head*

Ella: Yeah. Mr. Von Drake will fill you about it in sooner or later. Now, do excuse me, darling. I need some sugary sweet lemonade. The doctor say I gotta have some for my health.

*Ella walks off. Solomon then approaches the woman who’s breasts he was looking at earlier*

Solomon: So, this your first Richard Von Drake project too?

*The woman nods her head*

Solomon: What’s your name?

Woman: My name’s Hope.

Solomon: Well, hey, Hope.

Hope: Hi. You know, I noticed that you’re just about the only black person in the play, besides Fat Lady #2. Why is that?

Solomon: I don’t know. All I know is that Richard said he wanted diversity in this play, so that’s why I’m playing Granny Hilda love interest.

Hope: Oh, okay. You know, I’ve been in the business for 9 years.

*Solomon nods his head*

Solomon: Okay.

Hope: Ya know, all I could get was sleazy porno gigs before Richard saved me. I mean, all that time I was giving up the ass for me, now I give it up for Jesus.

Solomon: Very smart.

*Hope points to a group of elderly men*

Hope: And his friends.

Solomon: What?

Hope: Bye.

*Hope walks off and approaches the group of elderly men*

Solomon (under his breath): Yes, praise Jesus…in the name of Jesus. That is one hot young lady.

*Richard approaches Solomon*

Richard: Doing anything, Solomon?

*Solomon shakes his head*

Solomon (nervously): Oh, no. I’m just breathing in some ass-I mean some air.

Richard: Okay, then. Well, in that case, God says to join me in my study.

*Richard leads Solomon to his study*

CUT TO: Scene 8


Scene 8 - Int. Richard’s Study - Seconds Later

*Richard and Solomon are shown in Richard’s room, staring at a portrait of Jesus Christ*

Richard: Isn’t it beautiful? I painted it myself.

Solomon: Well, why Jesus got a sweater?

Richard: Because he just…looked so cold up there for some reason and I wanted to warm him up. Ya know, I love Jesus. What about you, Solomon? Do you love Jesus?

Solomon: Of course. I love Jesus the same way I love my mama and my late daddy and my nephews and everyone in my family.

Richard: Then why were you looking at Hope’s tatas?

Solomon: Huh? How do you know?

Richard: I know EVERYTHING. Jesus looks down on me and he tells me EVERYTHING. And ya know, it’s alright, Solomon. You obviously love women more than you love Jesus, don’t you?

Solomon: I don’t know, it hard to say. It’s like apples and oranges.

Richard: Yes. Apples and oranges. And if women are what you desire, Solomon, then Jesus and I will deliver. Hundreds, thousands of women. Any kind you want.

Solomon: Well, since you put it that way, I want a Beyoncé-looking chick cheering me on when I’m on that stage, or maybe a busty, Lynda Carter-looking white woman.

Richard: Jesus will provide them, Solomon, if you keep him first and give yourself to him…and me.

*Solomon’s phone rings*

Richard (frustrated): F*CK! You know how I feel about the f*cking meaningless phone calls! Don’t make me throw that damn phone in the trash!

Solomon: Like I said, it might be my nephews.

Richard: Screw your nephews. You must choose between your old life and your new life from now on.

*Solomon answers the phone*

Solomon (on the phone): Boys, stop calling me. I said that already. This is my family now and ya’ll are gonna have to except that.

*Solomon hangs up*

Richard: You made the right choice, my little leading man.

*Richard winks at Solomon. Jaden and Chance are shown at the house*

Jaden: That don’t sound right. Why he don’t want us to call him?

Chance: ‘Cause he in a cult.

Jaden: A cult? That sound gay.

Chance: What I’m tryna say is Uncle Solomon is in trouble and we gotta save him.

CUT TO: Scene 9


Scene 9 - Int. Stage - Evening

*Everyone is shown rehearsing on the stage*

Ed O’Neill (rehearing): You’re just a lonely ex-con and I’m a big shot lawyer.

Richard (angrily while dressed as Granny Hilda): No, no, no! Frown, damnit! How are they gonna know that you’re mad if you don’t frown?!

*Ed O’Neill frowns a little*

Richard (angrily while dressed as Granny Hilda): More!

*Ed O’Neill frowns even more*

Richard (angrily while dressed as Granny Hilda): More, whore!

*Ed O’Neill tries his hardest to frown*

Richard (angrily while dressed as Granny Hilda): More, more, damnit! Do you need to lick my booty to help you frown?!

*Ed O’Neill quickly frowns in discomfort*

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Great. Now…carry on.

Solomon (somewhat disturbed): Umm…well, at least I have Jesus, and the love of a strong, intelligent, pistol-packin’ Caucasian woman like Granny Hilda.

Richard (angrily while dressed as Granny Hilda): Cut to the cut to the goddamn cut! This isn’t working, like AT ALL! I don’t work with amateurs, I work with Jesus!

*Richard sighs*

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Everyone come together. Let us pray.

*Everyone comes together for a moment of silence as Richard prays*

Richard (praying while dressed as Granny Hilda): Jesus, holy Jesus, please help us with this scene. It seems to be a little flat and rather stiff, if you ask me. So if you can-

*Richard receives a message from Jesus*

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Hold on. Jesus is trying to tell me something.

All of the shirtless men (in unison): Hail Jesus!

Richard (talking to Jesus while dressed as Granny Hilda): Yes, Jesus. Uh-huh. Well, okay, if you say so. You’re the boss.

*Richard ends his conversation with Jesus*

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): According to Jesus, Solomon, the scene would have more impact if you grabbed Granny Hilda like a sexually attracted man and legally kissed her deeply and passionately on the lips with such force and sexual drive.

Solomon (confused): What?

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Basically, Jesus says we’re doing a love scene, so please go with it.

Solomon (confused): Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow your roll! A love scene?

*Richard nods his head*

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Yes, a love scene. All it takes is a deep kiss.

Solomon: A deep kiss? Hold on now. Are you sure that Jesus said that?

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Positive. Jesus said that we need to kiss passionately so that the audience can feel our love. Change in the script!

All of the shirtless men (in unison): Yes, master and savior. We will obey you and God and Jesus and honey buttered biscuits.

Solomon: Wait a minute, little man. What are you goin’ at? You sure you don’t mean I should kick you? Yeah, that sounds ‘bout right. Or maybe kill. Yeah, that’s even better. Imma kill ya’.

Richard (angrily while dressed as Granny Hilda): No, Jesus told me kiss, you idiot! Kiss! There was no ambiguity about it at all!

*Richard snaps his finger*

Richard (loudly while dressed as Granny Hilda): Chapstick, boys!

Solomon (confused): Chapstick?! What the hell?!

Richard (whispering to Solomon while dressed as Granny Hilda): Calm down, Solomon. Pucker up.

CUT TO: Scene 10


Scene 10 - Richard’s Study - Later On

*Later, Richard and Solomon are shown in Richard’s study*

Richard: Solomon, I totally understand your concerns. Richard Von Drake would NEVER, EVER kiss a man. That would come off as frivolous, homosexual, and against the Christian faith.

Solomon: My sentiments exactly.

Richard: But God wants us to be actors first and heterosexuals second.

Solomon: Huh? That don’t sound right to me.

Richard: Like I was saying, Richard Von Drake is a totally straight guy who loves the ladies. There’s no question about that. But on the flip side, Granny Hilda is a woman, and when I go on stage, Jesus wants me to become a woman, inside and out. I can’t just wear a dress and lipstick and makeup and a wig and high heels and a fat suit with glasses. I’ve gotta have a woman’s thoughts, a woman’s movements, a woman’s intuition…

*Richard winks at Solomon*

Richard: And a woman’s sexual needs.

*Solomon looks at Richard with a disgusted look on his face*

Richard: Besides, the audience will eat it up. They love a little drama and romance.

CUT TO: Scene 11


Scene 11 - Ext./Int. Compound - Weeks Later

*Jaden and Chance are shown sneaking into Richard Von Drake’s compound and approaching a mysterious man*

Chance: Excuse me, sir, but do you know where a man named Solomon is?

Mysterious Man: Just walk in the path of Jesus and you’ll be sure to find him.

*The mysterious man walks off as Ella walks past him and is stopped by Jaden and Chance*

Chance: Ma’am, do you know where a man named Solomon is?

Ella: Oh, he’s on the rehearsal stage, honey. Ya know, ya’ll remind me of my two grandsons, but they’re white, just like me. Also, they like Family Guy and American Dad!, so I can’t speak to them no more. Now, do excuse me, darling. I need some sugary sweet lemonade. The doctor say I gotta have some for my health.

*Ella walks off*

Ella (loudly while walking off): Praise Jesus! Hallelujah! Hey!

*Later, Jaden and Chance are shown finally making it to the rehearsal stage and watching Solomon rehearse*

Solomon (rehearsing): Well, at least I have Jesus, and the love of a strong, intelligent, pistol-packin’ Caucasian woman like Granny Hilda and that’s all I need. Her cooking sends me raving and screaming, and so does her juicy, wet kisses. Let’s make love, Granny Hilda. Let’s-

*Without hesitation, Richard pulls Solomon in dressed as Granny Hilda and is ready to do the love scene before being stopped by Jaden and Chance*

Chance: Hold it right there, Richard Von Drake! Your crossdressing for Christ days is over!

Solomon (shocked): Jaden, Chance? What are ya’ll doing here?

Chance: We tryna save you from the conniving con artist.

Solomon: Richard ain’t no con artist.

Jaden: I thought there wasn’t no love scene. Why was Von Drake holding you like that?

Solomon: God told him to put the love scene in!

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Yes, and God also told me to call Bruno and my shirtless men!

*Richard snaps his finger and immediately, Bruno and the group of shirtless men go after Jaden and Chance*

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Good work, boys.

*Richard laughs*

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Honestly, did you two delinquents think you could just take my leading man? It’s far too late for that. Solomon’s one of us now.

Solomon: I’m so sorry, Richard. I’ll take care of it.

Richard (dressed as Granny Hilda): Me and Jesus want them out of here, Solomon.

*Solomon is shown taking Jaden and Chance to another room*

Solomon (angrily): Have you guys lost ya’ll’s damn minds?

Chance: Have you? Uncle Solomon, you been brainwashed into some weird, homoerotic, Christian theater cult.

Jaden: Yeah. You been sucked into all that. You was even ‘bout to kiss that gay dude.

Solomon: Boy, I’m just acting. And Richard is not gay. God told him to act like that.

Chance: Are you THAT dumb, Uncle Solomon?

Solomon: Alright, fine! I might be a part of some weird, homoerotic, Christian theater cult, but if it get me into Hollywood, I don’t give a damn. It can’t be no worse than Scientology.

Chance: Wow, man. You really wanna be famous THAT bad?

*Solomon nods his head*

Solomon: Hell yes. All my life I been normal, now is my chance to be somebody. I want people to treat me better than they treat other people.

Jaden: You don’ sold your soul, Uncle Solomon.

Solomon (confused): What?

Jaden: Nevermind. I forgot you old.

Solomon: Anyway, I remember I used to watch a show called Fear Factor, where they made people eat goat rectums and monkey testicles and whatever else to win a big prize. Well, this is my fear factor, and Granny Hilda is my monkey testicle, so I’m doing anything to get the big prize. Even if it mean kissing a man…no homo. Now, when ya get home, go in my clean underwear drawer, and there should be $200 and some quarters. Now that should be enough to make it through the week, alright?

*Chance slowly nods his head*

Chance: Alright, Uncle Solomon. If this what you really want, then we’ll go.

*From a distance, Richard is shown literally powdering his nose while dressed as Granny Hilda*

Chance: Anyway, good luck with the gay play.

*Chance walks off*

Jaden: Thanks for saying no homo, Uncle Solomon. I appreciate it.

*Jaden walks off*

CUT TO: Scene 12


Scene 12 - Int. Stage - Two Weeks Later

*Two weeks later, the play is shown premiering to a packed house with Jaden, Chance, and Sean attending*

Ella (on stage): Granny Hilda, you’re always solving problems for other people, and you need to find yourself a man.

Richard (on stage, while dressed as Granny Hilda): Honey, I don’t need no man. He’ll be dead by two weeks when I put a little…poison in his apple pie.

*The audience laughs*

Chance: I don’t get it. What’s so funny about attempting to murder somebody?

Sean: Shh!

*In the play, the doorbell rings*

Ella (on stage): That must be him.

Richard (on stage, while dressed as Granny Hilda): Who? Jenny Craig husband, ‘cause you sure need to lose some weight.

*The audience laughs again*

Ella (on stage): No, it’s the man I called over for you to go on a date with.

Richard (on stage, while dressed as Granny Hilda): For the last time, I don’t need no date. But ya know what you need?

Ella (on stage): What?

Richard (on stage, while dressed as Granny Hilda): This.

*Granny Hilda farts and Ella’s character fans her nose in disgust while the audience laughs*

Ella (on stage): Eww! That’s gross!

*Ella’s character goes to answer the door. At the door when she opens it is Solomon’s character, who stands there, shirtless*

Solomon (on stage): Hello. I just got outta prison, and I’m looking for Granny Hilda.

Richard (on stage, while dressed as Granny Hilda): Ooh, lordy, he is good-looking for a black man!

Ella (on stage): Now what were you saying about not needing a date?

Richard (on stage, while dressed as Granny Hilda): I said…

*Granny Hilda approaches Solomon’s character*

Richard (on stage, while dressed as Granny Hilda): I need a man.

*Granny Hilda shakes her butt in front of Solomon’s character while “Hot in Herre” by Nelly plays*

Solomon (on stage): Wow. I like a woman with a lot of ass.

*Later in the play, Granny Hilda and Solomon’s character are shown dancing together while “Doja” by Central Cee plays. Then, Ed O’Neill’s character and Solomon’s character are shown fighting over Granny Hilda*

Solomon (on stage): Well, at least I have Jesus, and the love of a strong, intelligent, pistol-packin’ Caucasian woman like Granny Hilda, and that’s all I need. Her cooking sends me raving and screaming, and so does her juicy, wet kisses. Let’s make love, Granny Hilda. I wanna make you feel like a self respecting lady who-

*Richard, while dressed as Granny Hilda, falls on the couch and pulls Solomon’s body on top of his, making out with him as the play ends and everyone in the audience laughs and claps, all while “Hot in Herre” by Nelly plays*

Jaden: Did he just-

*Chance nods his head*

Chance: Yup.

CUT TO: Scene 13


Scene 13 - Int. Dressing Room/Richard’s Study - Night

*After the play, Solomon, humiliated and embarrassed, is shown getting dressed in his dressing room*

Solomon: Well, that was embarrassing as hell.

*Solomon sighs*

Solomon: But at least I get my big prize.

*As Solomon leaves out his dressing room, a group of extremely overweight women immediately notice him*

Overweight Woman #1: Hold my fried meatloaf dipped in ketchup, Bertha. It’s that Solomon guy.

*The woman hands her food to one of the other women and runs after Solomon*

Solomon (scared): Ahh! What the hell?!

Overweight Woman #1 (loudly): You that Solomon dude, huh? I’m a HUGE fan of yours.

Solomon: Well…I can see that.

*Sadie then walks up to Solomon and the woman*

Sadie: Solomon, Mr. Von Drake would like to see you…alone.

*Seconds later, Solomon is shown entering Richard’s study to find Richard standing there, with a stuffed animal in his hand*

Richard: Here you go.

*Richard hands the stuffed animal to Solomon*

Solomon (confused): What’s this for?

Richard: It’s your big prize. You were fantastic! Jesus and I were so PLEASED!

Solomon: Is this it?

Richard: No, of course not, silly!

*Richard gives Solomon a big hug*

Richard: Thanks for your time with us.

Solomon (angrily): BULLSHET. I don’t want no damn stuffed animal and I sure as hell don’t want no hug from YOU. Where Beyoncé or Wonder Woman at, like you promised? All I see is a bunch of fat, greasy Florida Evanses. I coulda stayed home for that. Plus, I had to suck face with you on stage, in front of everybody, and this is what I get?! You cheated me!

Richard: Solomon, let me make something clear. Jesus never said it would happen overnight.

Solomon: Well, how long am I gon’ have to pretend to smash you on stage to get hot women?

Richard: About that, I just sold “Granny Hilda Finds Herself A Gentleman Caller” as a movie, and guess who’s my leading man?

Solomon: Me?

*Richard nods his head*

Richard: Of course you are, on one condition, that is.

Solomon: What’s up?

Richard: Look, man…please pull your pants down so that I can have some d*ck.

Solomon (furious): Hold the hell on! You mean to tell me you used this whole crossdressing-for-Christ ploy to sleep with MEN?!

*Richard shrugs his shoulders*

Richard: I guess so.

Solomon: So you were really GAY all along?!

Richard: Well, I don’t believe in labels, but…yeah.

*Solomon flips Richard off*

Solomon (angrily): F*ck you! Now stick THAT up your ass, ya horny homo!

*Solomon leaves Richard’s study in anger*

Solomon (outside of the study): Jaden, Chance, come on! Let’s go home! Come on, Sean!


CLOSING CREDITS…

THE END

[Wawwie]

Very interesting so far. I did LOL a few times at Granny's antics.
Jaden seems to be a bit of an annoying prick with his non-stop "homo" obsession. He's the one who seems a bit "sus" as he's so abnormally preoccupied with homosexuality and how he badgers others about it.
I'm half way through. I'll get back to it later. LOL @ Granny Hilda

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Very interesting so far. I did LOL a few times at Granny's antics.
Jaden seems to be a bit of an annoying prick with his non-stop "homo" obsession. He's the one who seems a bit "sus" as he's so abnormally preoccupied with homosexuality and how he badgers others about it.
I'm half way through. I'll get back to it later. LOL @ Granny Hilda

How did you like the “classic Richard Von Drake story” part?

[stevea]

What a slimeball Richard is. Solomon should have listened to Jaden.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by stevea

What a slimeball Richard is. Solomon should have listed to Jaden.

According to Richard, “God wants him to put on a dress.”

[stevea]

Solomon fell for the Jesus line, but I think in the back of his mind, he was always suspicious.

[Wawwie]

Demented

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Demented

Richard Von Drake??

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Richard Von Drake??

The entire "story" is very weird and quite disturbing IMO.

It's almost like an episode of Two And A Half Men... very sleazy

[TVLegend]

It doesn’t look like Richard will destroy Seth MacFarlane anytime soon. His leading man has left the building.