Was My Marriage A Mistake?

[TVLegend]

WARNING: This might take a while to read through.

CAST:

TVLegend - Chad Barnes
Melissa Claire Egan - Tiffany Barnes
Wawwie - Samantha Munson
opus - Jeffrey Munson
IllinoisTVFan - Whitney Kimble
Scott Bailey - Elvin Kimble
Bonniegirl - April Hicks
David Faustino - Gregory “Greg” Barnes
Jason Thompson - Bob Hicks
Kirby Bliss Blanton - London
TVFactFan - Cedric “Daddy Barnes” Barnes
Rome Flynn - Male Flight Attendant
Unknown Actor - Gay Man on Train
Unknown Actor #2 - Other Gay Man on Train
Unknown Actress - Teacher


*As we open, “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors is playing while we get an aerial shot of the outside. Once the music stops, Whitney is shown giving a lecture in some building*

Emma (Female Student #1): Dr. Kimble, I was reading your book titled The Marriage Game, and I wanted to know if you and your group of friends still do vacations.

Teacher: I’m sorry, Emma, but Dr. Kimble is here to talk about her new book, The Remarriage Game.

Whitney: Yes, I am. Speaking of The Marriage Game, Emma, that book has been nominated this year for the Psychology Digest award.

*Everyone gives Whitney a round of applause*

Whitney: Thank you. Anyways, to answer your question, yes, we still do vacations. As a matter of fact, I’m leaving right after the lecture to meet my friends. How many of you have not read The Marriage Game yet?

*A couple of people raise their hands*

Whitney: Well, The Marriage Game is a book I did a little over a year ago based on a study I did with my friends, with their permission, of course. And this is something we still do every year. You see, there are four couples, and we take a seven day vacation anywhere we choose, and while we’re on the vacation, we play what I call the marriage game. We do exercises to strengthen our relationships, we pray and meditate together, and do whatever it is to support one another. This year, my friend’s father is inviting us to a retreat, and I hope that it brings us closer together. It seems that Chad and Tiffany are close enough as it is. I mean, they have a great understanding with each other.

*Chad and Tiffany are shown on a snow road in a truck*

Tiffany: Chad, honey, maybe we shouldn’t have left Brennon all alone at home. He’s just getting over that cold.

Chad: Tiffany, for the last time, Brennon’s fine. He’ll be alright.

Tiffany: How can you be so sure?

Chad: I know, okay? Dad’s just…know.

Tiffany: Yeah, right. Just like you knew it was okay for him to play soccer on the coldest day of the year.

Chad: Yeah, yeah. Can we please stop the arguing? I’m driving here.

Tiffany: I’m not trying to argue. It’s simple. I’m in the right, and you’re in the wrong.

*Chad rolls his eyes*

Chad: Okay, baby. Okay.

*Tiffany’s phone rings*

Chad: You’re not gonna answer that, are you?

Tiffany: Umm…yeah. It’s my phone.

*Tiffany answers the phone*

Tiffany (on the phone): Hello, Wanda? Yeah, did you get the information on the case? Okay, great. Please e-mail it to me and I’ll check it when we get to where we’re going.

Chad: No, you will not. We’re on a vacation.

Tiffany (on the phone): Shh! No, I wasn’t talking to you, Wanda. I was talking to Chad. Uh-huh. Yeah, I get it.

Chad: Tiffany, please hang up. You’ve been taking calls nonstop ever since we got on the road.

Tiffany (on the phone): Thanks, Wanda. Bye bye.

*Tiffany hangs up*

Tiffany (furious): What the hell was that?!

Chad: It was me wanting to spend quality time with my wife.

Tiffany: What kind of quality time are we gonna share in a truck?

Chad: Well, we could have sex, but then again, I don’t feel like pulling over.

*Tiffany sighs*

Tiffany: Anyways, you are a total control freak.

Chad: Tiffany, please don’t start with that. I am behind the wheel. Don’t make us have our first car accident. I have no control issues.

Tiffany: Bullcrap. I mean, we’ve been in here for hours and all I wanted to do was get some work done, but no, you own me, so I must obey you.

Chad: The reason we’ve been in here for hours is because I want to spend some time with you. When was the last time we spent this much time together?

Tiffany: Sweetie, we both work 12 hour days. You know that.

Chad: See, that’s where you’re wrong. You work 12 hours a day, I don’t. I’m home by 5.

Tiffany: So am I, occasionally.

Chad: Listen, Tiffany. Ya got these e-mails coming in all the time, you have the phone ringing in your ear 24/7, so by the time I propose to get busy with you, you’re already worn out. Not to mention that you hardly have time for Brennon.

Tiffany: What are you trying to say, Chad? I AM a good mother.

Chad: I didn’t say you weren’t. I’m saying that your priorities are in the wrong place. That’s all I’m saying, honey.

Tiffany: Okay, if you say so.

*Tiffany picks up her phone and starts texting*

Chad: Did you listen to a WORD that I just said? We were holding a conversation, and there you go getting on your phone. Hello?!

Tiffany: Yes! I hear you.

Chad: Well, damn. I guess so, you have ears, huh? I get that you hear me, but are you listening?

Tiffany: God, yes! There, ya happy?

Chad: No, I’ll be happy when I get some ass.

*Tiffany rolls her eyes while Chad laughs*

Chad: I’m just kidding, baby. Don’t take everything so seriously.

Tiffany: Since you wanted it this way, it’s just you and me this weekend, okay? Just you and me. I’m sure you’re pleased.

*Chad slowly shakes his head*

Chad: This is gonna be one hell of a vacation.

*Whitney is shown giving her lecture again*

Male Student: Dr. Kimble, I was kinda worried about the April and Bob characters. Are they still together or…what happened?

Whitney: Ya know, I really don’t like to talk about my friends very often, but yes, they are still together and married.

Male Student: Okay. They happily married or what?

Whitney: Umm…

*April, Bob, and April’s friend, London are shown getting on an airplane*

London: April, I’m so excited. Thank you so much for inviting me.

April: Oh, it’s no problem. Now, I get that there’s a big age difference between you and me-

Bob: A BIG, BIG age difference.

*Bob laughs*

April: But I’m sure you’ll get along with my friends just fine. You need a vacation.

*London and Bob have a seat in one row while April crams herself in the row in front of them. There is a man sitting to the right of London while April is sitting in the middle of two people, one man and one woman.

London: Hold on, April. This isn’t right. You need to sit here. Come sit by your husband.

Bob: Oh, no. Absolutely not. You stay in your seat, London. April will be just fine FAR away from me. Besides, we got assigned seats for a reason.

London: Well, okay. Be happy…and comfortable.

*The man sitting next to April gets up and goes to talk to the flight attendant*

April: London, I cannot wait to introduce you to some fine, single men your age on those mountains.

*London rolls her eyes*

London: Please stop talking to me about that, April. You’re boring me. Like I said, I don’t need a boyfriend.

Bob: She’s right.

London: I’m fine just the way I am, okay?

April: Well, okay. Sure.

Bob: Say, can you two shut up? I’m trying to rest my nerves. London, just ignore April.

April: What?

Bob: I wasn’t talking to you!

*A male flight attendant approaches April*

April: Can I help you?

Male Flight Attendant: Umm…I’m sorry, ma’am, but we have a very full flight today.

April: Well, yeah, I realize that. I bought the tickets months ago.

*The male flight attendant nods his head*

Male Flight Attendant: Okay, I understand, but it’s the airplane’s policy for someone…your size to have two seats.

April: Excuse me?

Male Flight Attendant: I said-

April: Nevermind, I heard you the first time.

*April turns and looks at Bob*

Bob: Don’t look over here. I’ll slap that silly look off your face.

London: Bob!

Bob: Bob, nothing.

London: You don’t have to be so mean.

Bob: It’s all her fault. I told her lazy, fat ass to lose weight months ago. But, no. She’d rather be watching TV or on her phone all day, munching on some popcorn with some hot sauce and mustard and ketchup and mayonnaise and jelly and syrup all on it.

*Bob laughs*

Bob: It’s hilarious. Karma is real.

London: April, don’t worry. I’ll give up my seat. Just-

Bob: No, you won’t. That’s not gonna do any good. That’s not gonna teach her to engage in physical activity. And if you do that, it’ll only make me feel uncomfortable.

*Bob gets out his wallet and hands April $100*

Bob: There. That’s $100. Now I want you to drive. You’re always complaining about not getting enough me time, so driving will be just perfect for you. Go talk and sing to the Lord while you get behind the wheel.

April: Well, this is only $100.

*Bob nods his head*

Bob: Well, yeah, I know. I’m not stupid. I didn’t say go buy a Snickers and a Hershey’s bar and a Twix and the rest of your fat lady snacks. $100 might not be much, but it’s enough for gas. And if it isn’t, then…oh, well. Goodbye.

London: Bob-

Bob: What? I didn’t say anything to you. I was talking to my wife, and my wife will be fine. Driving the weight off isn’t gonna kill her.

London: She doesn’t owe you anything.

Bob: And neither do you, so shut your trap and do as I say, woman!

Male Flight Attendant: Sorry, but it looks like I’m gonna have to ask you to deplane, ma’am.

*April slowly emerges from the seat in disbelief*

London: Are you okay, April?

*April slowly nods her head*

April: I’ll be fine.

*April wipes a tear from her eye and grabs her purse and bag before deplaning*

Bob: Love you!

*Bob clears his throat*

Bob (under his breath): When you’re not in my presence, that is.

London: Stop it! You’ve said enough.

*We are switched back to Whitney giving her lecture*

Female Student #2: Dr. Kimble, I find it strange that a woman as educated and smart as you could have a friend like Samantha.

*Elvin enters the room*

Whitney: That’s understandable, but you have to realize that my friend, Samantha is a cashier at a supermarket. Now, that might not sound like a lot, but she is very intelligent and passionate about her job.

Female Student #2: Well, what about her husband, Jeffrey? Doesn’t he sell shoes?

Whitney: Well, yes, but Samantha and Jeffrey are doing just fine to say that they have two children.

*A train is shown as we hear it’s horn blowing. Samantha and Jeffrey are then shown on the inside of it*

Samantha (loudly): I’m sick of putting up with your baby mother, Jeffrey!

Gay Man on Train: Do you guys mind?

Samantha (loudly): Just what in hell do you mean, “Do you guys mind”?! Haven’t you ever seen two married people arguing, you clear colored RuPaul?!

Other Gay Man on Train: Oh, snap! Girlfriend got attitude!

Gay Man on Train: I’m sayin’! She’s just butthurt ‘cause she doesn’t have booty like us.

*The two men give each other a high five*

Jeffrey: Please forgive my wife. She’s a little…tipsy.

Samantha (loudly): Oh, so now you’re apologizing for me?! Heh. I see how it is!

Jeffrey: Can you please keep your voice down?

Samantha: Let me think about that.

*Samantha clears her throat*

Samantha (loudly): Hell no!

Jeffrey: Why must you go all the way out to embarrass me?

Samantha: I don’t go all the way out. All you have to do is look in the mirror, Jeffrey. You are an embarrassment. Besides, I was perfectly calm until we dropped your kids off at Renee’s house.

Jeffrey: Renee’s their mother. What am I supposed to do?

Samantha (loudly): You’re supposed to man up and stop acting like I’m the insane one. She’s always rolling her eyes and talking to me like I’m in some mental hospital. I swear, Jeffrey. If Renee looks at me one more time all cross eyed, I’m gonna gut her like a damn fish!

Jeffrey: She never looked at you cross eyed.

Samantha (loudly): And just how would you know?! You weren’t even looking at her face. You were too busy checking out her plastic surgery ass!

Jeffrey: Samantha, could you keep quiet for a little while?

Samantha: And could you go to hell for a little while?

Jeffrey: I’m already there.

Samantha (loudly): What did you say?!

Jeffrey (nervously): Nothing, dear. Nothing.

Samantha: Really, Jeffrey. Do I have to get some work done for you to stare at my ass?

*Jeffrey shakes his head*

Jeffrey: No, baby. Just stop worrying about all that. You’re perfect.

Samantha: Then how come we haven’t had sex in almost three months?

Jeffrey: I’ve been busy.

Samantha: Doing what? Counting sheep? It’s time, Jeffrey. Please don’t tell me I can’t sexually attract you anymore.

Jeffrey: I said I don’t want to talk about this. We’ve been married for 15 years, and we will make it to 16 if you let us.

Samantha: I might not let us.

Other Gay Man on Train: Can you two keep it down? Our little puppy, Fluffy is trying to get some rest down here.

Samantha (loudly): Let me tell you something, I am talking to my man and I don’t need you interrupting! I don’t give a damn about any Fluffy! Who in hell names their DOG Fluffy?! That’s just crazy! It’s stupid! It’s idiotic!

*Jeffrey holds his head in embarrassment*

Samantha (loudly): And for the record, I heard you two make those little smart ass remarks about my behind! Do you really think my butt’s flat, because it’s not! It’s fat, in fact! Move, Jeffrey!

*Samantha gets up and approaches the two men*

Samantha (loudly): Didn’t your mother teach you a thing or two?! I know she taught you better than how you’re acting now! Do you believe these folks, Jeffrey?! I can’t believe I got on this hideous looking train just to save my damn marriage!

*We are switched back to Whitney giving her lecture*

Female Student #2: What about you and your husband, Dr. Kimble?

Whitney: What about us?

Female Student #2: Well, I know that you’re thriving and winning as a psychologist while you’re husband is UNEMPLOYED, so does that put on a strain on your marriage?

Whitney: Hmm. Well, why don’t you ask my husband yourself?

*Everyone turns and looks at Elvin*

Elvin: Umm, I don’t mean to leave everyone’s questions unanswered, but darling, we’re gonna be late for our flight.

Whitney: Oh, yes! Thank you, everyone, but I gotta get going.

*Everyone gives Whitney a round of applause as she and Elvin leave the room. Later, we are taken to the cabin where Daddy Barnes can be shown entering the living room*

Daddy Barnes: My goodness.

*Daddy Barnes picks up a picture of his dead wife, Fanny*

Daddy Barnes: Good afternoon, Fanny. Good afternoon to ya.

*Daddy Barnes puts the picture back*

Daddy Barnes: My, this place is dusty. And so am I, that’s why I’m not dusting anything.

*Daddy Barnes has a seat in one of the armchairs*

Dandy Barnes: The only thing I don’t like about this retreat so far is the dust. But to whom much is given, much is required. I can’t believe we got the kids coming through again. Yes, siree. My son and his wife and my other son and all their friends are coming. Yep.

*A couple of seconds later, Chad and Tiffany enter the cabin with bags and suitcases. They sit everything down on the side of the door*

Tiffany: We made it, Daddy Barnes!

Daddy Barnes: Well, I can see that. Hey, guys.

Chad: Hey, dad.

*Chad and Tiffany enter the living room. Daddy Barnes gets up*

Daddy Barnes: Well, if it isn’t my sports writer son and my attorney daughter-in-law.

Tiffany: Yes it is. Now come give your attorney daughter-in-law a big hug.

*Tiffany approaches Daddy Barnes and gives him a hug*

Tiffany: You’re looking good, darling.

Daddy Barnes: I know. Believe me, I know.

*Daddy Barnes sits back down while Tiffany sits on the couch*

Tiffany: So how have you been doing, Daddy Barnes?

Daddy Barnes: Pretty good. I can’t complain.

Chad: Are you taking your insulin, Daddy Barnes?

Daddy Barnes: If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you.

Chad: Well, okay. Good to hear. I’ll be watching you.

Daddy Barnes: Go watch them bags and suitcases. Put ‘em up, ‘cause everybody’s coming.

Chad: I know.

*Chad brings the bags and suitcases upstairs*

Tiffany: I’m glad to hear that you’re taking care of yourself, Daddy Barnes. You know, Chad has wanted me to take a breather ever since we hit the road.

Daddy Barnes: Well, that’s my son. He’s always been a worrier. I remember when he was in the 7th Grade, he was begging and begging his mother to take him home one day on a count of he had an upset stomach and was worried that he would have an “accident” during P.E.

*Tiffany laughs*

Tiffany: Really?

*Daddy Barnes nods his head*

Daddy Barnes: Yeah.

Chad (upstairs): I heard that!

Daddy Barnes: I was hoping you did!

*Tiffany laughs. A couple of seconds later, Chad comes back downstairs*

Tiffany: Chad, will you look at this place? It is wonderful.

Chad: I know. It’s just a little dusty, that’s all.

Daddy Barnes: Chad, I sure miss your mother.

Chad: I know, Daddy Barnes. I miss her, too.

*Chad sits in the other armchair*

Tiffany: What do you miss about her, Daddy Barnes? Is it her eyes, her hair, or her laugh?

Daddy Barnes: No, it’s none of that. I miss the way she used to clean up.

Tiffany: Oh.

Chad: Really, dad?

Daddy Barnes: What? I do. The smell of Pine-Sol would fill the air.

Tiffany: Oh, come on, Daddy Barnes. You know that we don’t mind helping you clean up around this place. You know, without Miss Fanny, I don’t know if me and Chad’s marriage would have made it. She gave the best advice, next to Whitney.

Daddy Barnes: I know, I know. That’s why I tell the young folks today, I say “If you’re having trouble with your marriage, turn to the elders.” But no one listens anymore.

Chad: Isn’t that the truth?

Tiffany: Speaking of marriage, I am a little concerned about April and Bob.

Chad: Why is that?

Tiffany: Oh, come on, Chad. Let’s face it. They’ve been having lots of problems lately.

Chad: Well, that’s funny. I just talked to Bob the other day and he said he just got a new contract with the state. You know, his construction business is one of the largest businesses in the city.

Tiffany: True, but I’m not talking about their money situation. I’m talking about their relationship. You know, April has been so miserable and so stressed out that she’s gained almost 100 pounds.

Daddy Barnes: A mere 1 pound ain’t so bad.

Tiffany: I said nearly 100 pounds, Daddy Barnes. 100 pounds.

Daddy Barnes (shocked): What?!

*Tiffany nods her head*

Tiffany: Yeah. You know, the big number after 99?

Daddy Barnes: April gained almost 100 pounds?

Tiffany: That’s what I said.

Daddy Barnes: My god! Each of her breasts must be the size of an Olsen twin.

Chad: Dad!

*Daddy Barnes laughs*

Daddy Barnes: What? Let’s face it. The woman wasn’t very skinny to begin with, so her boobs have gotta feed a nation.

*Daddy Barnes laughs again*

Tiffany: Daddy Barnes! Would you stop it?!

Daddy Barnes: I bet when she tries to run, she sweats Rice Krispies Treats.

*Daddy Barnes laughs again*

Chad: Dad, that is enough!

Daddy Barnes: Alright. I’ll stop before she belly slams me.

*Chad and Tiffany roll their eyes*

Daddy Barnes: Listen, Tiffany. If you wanna help April, give her the advice that Fanny gave you.

Chad: Daddy Barnes is right, honey. Don’t worry. I mean, we’ve all been friends for about 20 years, and if anybody knows April, you do.

Tiffany: Well, I can’t say that we’ve all been friends. You know Samantha can’t stand Bob.

Daddy Barnes: She never could.

Chad: Please don’t start that up this year.

Tiffany: What? I’m just saying. You know that there’s gonna be great tension between them. I don’t know why, but Samantha is awfully suspicious of Bob.

Daddy Barnes: Well, didn’t he make April drive herself to the hospital when she was giving birth to their son, B.J.?

Chad: That doesn’t mean nothing. He had to work.

Tiffany: Yeah, right. He was off of work the whole time.

Chad: Well, I’ll try to talk to Bob.

Tiffany: Good. Chad, I see so many divorces almost every day, and I feel like I’m about to see another one. Sometimes I question why God has blessed us with such a great marriage.

Daddy Barnes: It’s because you acknowledge him and you know his worth and you keep him first.

Tiffany: Yeah, I guess so. We’re still in mad love after 11 years of marriage, huh, baby?

Chad: That’s right.

Daddy Barnes: I know why you guys are still in love.

Tiffany: Why is that?

Daddy Barnes: It’s because Chad takes after me. That’s exactly why you love him.

Tiffany: I suppose you’re right.

Daddy Barnes: Yup. Listen, I’m gonna put some tea on. So sit here and relax.

*Daddy Barnes gets up*

Tiffany: Oh, thank you, Daddy Barnes. Tea would hit the spot.

*Daddy Barnes goes into the kitchen. Chad then stands up*

Chad: Tiffany, are you ready to get started?

*Tiffany gets up*

Tiffany: Well, I guess so. All we have to do is a little dusting and sweeping, and we should be alright.

Chad: I’m not talking about dusting and sweeping. I’m talking about getting started in the bedroom.

Tiffany: Well, okay.

*Tiffany approaches Chad*

Tiffany: I like that idea a lot.

Chad: Great.

Tiffany: Wait a minute. Your father’s in the kitchen, isn’t he?

Chad: So? I don’t care. I wanna get back at him.

Tiffany: For what?

Chad: When I was growing up, dad and mom would always do it. Always. And their room was right next to mines. All I could hear was, “Oh, Cedric! Oh, you animal! Faster, faster! Woah! Slow down! Wait, no! Knock me up!”

*Tiffany laughs*

Chad: It was disgusting. I mean, I could never understand how two self respecting people could do something that degrading and gross. I had nightmares, you know?

Tiffany: Well, you’re not gonna have any dreams at this minute. We’ll do it later, okay?

Chad: Fine.

Tiffany: I wanna talk about how lucky I am to have an incredible and God-fearing man like you with me on this vacation. I love you, Chad.

Chad: I love you, too.

*Chad and Tiffany kiss*

Chad: Okay, on second thought, let’s get started.

Tiffany: Chad, stop! I don’t want to.

Chad: Come on, baby. Please!

Tiffany: The only kind of started we will get is cleaning up around here.

Chad: Well, can you at least give me a sneak peek?

Tiffany: What?

Chad: I said can you at least give me a sneak peek? You know, turn around and shake it for me or something.

Tiffany: Okay, fine! But make it quick. We’re cleaning afterwards.

Chad: Sure thing.

*Tiffany turns around and shakes her butt in front of Chad*

Chad: My, my, my! Shake it, honey! Shake it!

*A couple of seconds later, Daddy Barnes enters the room*

Daddy Barnes: That is absolutely disgusting.

*Tiffany stops after realizing that Daddy Barnes has entered the room*

Tiffany: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Chad: Don’t you have tea to put on?

Daddy Barnes: I put it on already. Now can you two please stop getting all over each other like ants in a doggone picnic basket?

*Chad and Tiffany start cleaning around the cabin while Daddy Barnes sits back down in the armchair*

Daddy Barnes: All of that ain’t right. The Bible says, “spare the decency, spoil the marriage.”

Chad (cleaning): The Bible doesn’t say that.

Daddy Barnes: No, but my Bible does.

Chad: Anyways, I talked to Gregory and he says he’s not bringing a new girl with him this year.

Tiffany: Thank the Lord. Every time he comes, he brings a “friend” with him. It’s nice to hear that this year will be an exception.

Chad: Tell me about it.

Daddy Barnes: You know, I wish that Greg would settle down and get married already.

Chad: So do I, but you know that Greg is what we like to call a free spirit.

Daddy Barnes: Well, we had a name for a free spirit when I was coming up: A wannabe gigolo.

Chad: Daddy Barnes!

Daddy Barnes: What? It’s the truth.

*Daddy Barnes laughs*

Daddy Barnes: Think about it. Greg likes women to JIG for him real LOW.

*Daddy Barnes laughs again. Later, Chad enters the living room with a wine bottle and two glasses. Daddy Barnes can be seen sitting in one of the armchairs, reading a book*

Chad: Tiffany, I was thinking we could-

Daddy Barnes: Tiffany’s upstairs, sleeping.

*Chad sets the wine bottle and two glasses on the table*

Chad: Well, great. Just great.

Daddy Barnes: What’s wrong, my ******** Romeo?

Chad (frustrated): Dad, can you please stop using those kind of words toward me?! It is insulting and hurtful.

Daddy Barnes: Okay, bitch.

Chad (frustrated): Stop saying bitch. Don’t say that.

Daddy Barnes: Okay, big bitch.

*Chad sighs*

Chad (frustrated): Okay, can you stop…like now?!

Daddy Barnes: Whatever you say, dummy.

*Chad rolls his eyes*

Daddy Barnes: Oh, you don’t like that? Well, what about lamebrain, dimwit, nitwit, twit, idiot, moron?

*Daddy Barnes laughs*

Daddy Barnes: I’m just messing with your mind, son.

Chad: More like messing with my life.

*Whitney and Elvin enter the cabin with bags and suitcases. Elvin takes them and puts them on the side of the door*

Whitney: Hey, everybody!

Chad: Hey, Whitney. How are you?

Whitney: I’m fine, Chad. How are you?

Chad: Great.

Whitney: That’s nice to hear.

*Whitney makes her way into the living room, approaches Chad, and gives him a hug*

Whitney: Hi, Daddy Barnes.

Daddy Barnes: Hey there, Whitney.

*Elvin enters the living room*

Chad: Hey, Elvin.

Elvin: Hey, pal.

*Chad and Elvin give each other a handshake*

Whitney: Where’s Tiffany?

Chad: She’s asleep, apparently.

Whitney: Well, we’ve gotta wake her up.

Chad: Now, Whitney, please don’t…

*Whitney rushes upstairs*

Chad (under his breath): Do that.

Elvin: Don’t pay her any mind, Chad. You know that’s Whitney.

*Chad and Elvin have a seat on the couch*

Chad: Elvin, man, I don’t know what to do with Tiffany. All she does is sleep and work, sleep and work.

Elvin: Hmm. You’re looking great, Chad.

Chad: Thank you.

Elvin: I’m glad me and Whitney beat the weather. They were delaying flights like crazy.

Chad: I know, man. I think Bob and April got delayed. They were supposed to beat us here.

Daddy Barnes: Thank god they didn’t. It wouldn’t be pretty to see April beat you and Tiffany and meat.

*Daddy Barnes laughs*

Elvin: What?

Chad: Oh, that’s just a little lame joke he’s making since Tiffany mentioned April gaining weight.

*Elvin nods his head*

Elvin: Man, did you think that we’d make it to where we are today 15 to 20 years ago? I mean, your Tiffany’s an attorney, my Whitney’s a best-selling author, and I’m-

Chad: Without a job.

*Chad and Daddy Barnes laugh while Elvin sighs*

Daddy Barnes: That was a good one, son!

Elvin (angrily): That was NOT a good one, like at all. Everywhere I go, someone’s gotta say, “Oh, look at Whitney and look at you. You don’t have a job, do you?” Who cares if I don’t have a job?! Whitney loves me for who I am and she isn’t ashamed. Neither I am.

Chad: Elvin, calm down, man. I was joking. How are you gonna let a little joke get to you that badly?

Elvin: I’m sorry, Chad. I’m just pissed. It’s tiring. It’s very tiring. Anyways, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. When are you and Tiffany gonna have child number two?

Chad: You gotta talk to Tiffany about that. Aren’t you supposed to have at least three-

*Elvin looks at Chad with a ticked off look on his face*

Chad: I’m sorry, Elvin. I didn’t mean to go there.

Elvin: Oh, it’s okay. It’s fine. Say, who’s the wine for?

Chad: Well, it was for me and Tiffany, but you could help yourself to it.

Elvin: Thanks.

*Elvin picks up the wine bottle and one of the glasses from off the table and pours wine in it. Upstairs, Whitney is shown waking up Tiffany, who’s asleep in her bed*

Whitney: Wakey-wakey!

*Tiffany wakes up with a slightly fatigued and disoriented look on her face*

Tiffany (disoriented): Where…am I?

Whitney: You’re where you’ve been. It’s just that me and Elvin have arrived.

*Tiffany nods her head*

Tiffany (disoriented): Oh. I see. I see you’re still the same pain in the butt after all this time for not letting me sleep.

Whitney: I wholeheartedly agree, and that’s why I’m not leaving until you get up. Now, come on. Get up.

*Tiffany laughs*

Tiffany: How are you?

Whitney: I’m fine.

*Tiffany and Whitney hug*

Tiffany: I guess I just dozed off for a second.

Whitney: It looks like it. Let me guess. You’ve been keeping busy, huh?

Tiffany: As ever. I’m defending a 16 year old on trial for a capital murder.

Whitney: Meanwhile, you are killing yourself with all this work.

Tiffany: You sound just like Chad. Did he tell you to come up here and tell me that?

*Whitney quickly shakes her head*

Whitney: Oh, no. I’m just saying. You look exhausted.

Tiffany: That’s why I needed this break.

*Whitney nods her head*

Whitney: Yeah.

Tiffany: It’s peaceful here.

Whitney: I agree.

*All of a sudden, a bunch of arguing can be heard downstairs*

Tiffany: Oh, no. Please don’t tell me it’s…

Whitney: Samantha and Jeffrey?

Tiffany: It’s gotta be. Their voices are very distinct.

Whitney: Well, so much for peace.

Tiffany: Tell me about it.

*Tiffany gets out of bed and leaves out of the room with Whitney. Samantha and Jeffrey are then shown entering the cabin with bags*

Samantha (loudly): Can you close the door?!

Jeffrey: You’re closer to the door!

Samantha (loudly): Just shut up and close the door!

*Jeffrey closes the door*

Samantha (loudly): Can you write a check the same way you close the damn door?! Can you do that?! Can you write a check?!

Jeffrey: Whatever. Just go in the living room.

Samantha (loudly): And who are you to be telling me where to go?!

*Samantha and Jeffrey put the bags down and Samantha goes into the living room. Jeffrey later follows*

Jeffrey: I swear, Samantha. One of these days…

Samantha (loudly): And just what are you gonna do, huh?! You’re not gonna do sh*t. You know I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters.

*Tiffany and Whitney enter the living room*

Jeffrey (sarcastically): Oh, wow. I’m so scared of them.

Samantha (loudly): That’s what you say now! Just you wait!

Chad: Umm…hello.

Samantha: Oh…we have company. Hey, Chad. Hey, Elvin. Hey, Whitney.

Whitney: Hey, Samantha.

*Whitney and Samantha hug*

Samantha: Hey, Tiffany.

Tiffany: Hey, Samantha.

*Tiffany and Samantha hug*

Samantha: Hey, Daddy Barnes.

Daddy Barnes: Hey, girlfriend.

Samantha: You’re a dirty old man.

*Samantha laughs*

Jeffrey: Hey, Elvin.

Elvin: Hey, Jeffrey.

*Jeffrey and Elvin shake hands*

Jeffrey: Hey, Chad.

*Chad and Jeffrey shake hands*

Jeffrey: Hey, Daddy Barnes.

*Jeffrey approaches Daddy Barnes*

Daddy Barnes: Hello, Jeff.

*Daddy Barnes and Jeffrey shake hands. Samantha has a seat on the couch next to Elvin*

Elvin: Are you and Jeffrey alright, Samantha?

*Samantha nods her head*

Samantha: Oh, yeah. We’re fine.

Jeffrey: We’re doing great.

Samantha: Yep. I need a drink.

Jeffrey: But it’s the middle of the day.

Samantha: Well, then get me some cookies and milk, Carol Brady. I’m tired as hell. And who’s idea was it to come up to the snow? All of this snow is way too much.

Tiffany: Well, Daddy Barnes invited us.

Whitney: After I suggested being at a place like this. It’s beautiful.

*Samantha nods her head*

Samantha: Yeah. It is beautiful. You know what else is beautiful?

Whitney: What?

Samantha: The kitchen. Show me where it is because I need a drink.

Tiffany: Come on, Whitney. Let’s show Samantha around.

*Tiffany leads Whitney and Samantha to the kitchen*

Elvin: I see you and Samantha are still fighting like cats and dogs, eh, Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: Well, Samantha’s never gonna change.

Chad: And neither will you.

*Later, Tiffany and Whitney are shown upstairs with Samantha, helping her get settled in*

Whitney: Alright, Samantha. What’s with you and Jeffrey?

Tiffany: I’d like to know that as well.

Samantha: That man makes me sick. So we drop the kids off at his baby mother’s house, right? Well, we argue about her, we argue about the kids, and the list goes on, but most of it is his ex. She just drives me crazy.

Tiffany: Well, I’m glad Chad doesn’t have a baby mother.

*Samantha nods her head*

Samantha: Yeah. Stay glad. Sometimes, I just wanna slit Renee’s throat and watch her bleed. And you know what I hate?

Whitney: What?

Samantha: To have my daughter around Renee’s son. I know that he’s her half-brother, but that demon seed is something. And then Renee has the audacity to say bad things about me to my daughter, all behind my back.

Whitney: Oh, that’s not good at all. That’s terrible. Have you asked Jeffrey to get a hold of Renee?

Samantha: Of course I’ve asked him. And that’s what starts all the bickering. Plus, Jeffrey has a habit of lying and telling me that he did talk to Renee when he didn’t.

Whitney: Well, how do you know Jeffrey hasn’t talked to Renee?

Samantha: I just know. His face gets redder than a tomato and he starts stuttering.

*Chad, Elvin, and Jeffrey are shown outside*

Chad: So how are the shoes, Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: Oh, the shoes are just fine. I get lots of customers.

*Jeffrey’s face starts to get red*

Chad: Are you sure?

*Jeffrey nods his head*

Jeffrey (stuttering): Oh, y-y-y-yeah.

Elvin: Are you stuttering?

*Jeffrey shakes his head*

Jeffery (stuttering): N-n-n-no.

*Jeffrey’s face gets even redder*

Jeffery: Umm…anyways, when am I gonna see Brennon, Chad?

Chad: Oh, you can see him anytime. Just don’t bring Samantha with you if you can’t get along with her.

Jeffery: Oh, come on, Chad. Me and Samantha have been arguing ever since we met. You know that.

Chad: Yeah, I do, but it looks like it’s getting worse to me.

Jeffery: Well, it’s our way of showing each other love. You and Tiffany have your special thing, and me and Samantha have ours.

Chad: Okay. If you say so.

*Elvin laughs*

Jeffrey: Besides, I like all the arguing, because we have a better time making up.

*Jeffrey’s face gets even more redder*

Elvin: Okay, he’s lying.

Chad: I know, right? But at least he and Samantha get to argue. Me and Tiffany haven’t been spending any time together. She’s so busy that it’s impossible. To tell you the truth, we haven’t had sex in almost a MONTH!

Jeffrey: Welcome to the club. Me and Samantha haven’t had sex in almost three months.

Elvin: Well, me and Whitney still have sex, I just can’t…perform.

Chad: What do you mean by that?

Elvin (uncomfortably): You know, I can’t…perform.

Jeffrey (confused): Elvin, what the hell are you talking about? If you can’t perform, go get a microphone.

Elvin (uncomfortably): No, not that kinda perform! I can’t achieve…my manly things.

Jeffrey: Damn!

Chad: Wow!

*Everyone remains silent*

Jeffrey: So…where’s Greg?

Elvin: Eww! I don’t have sex with Greg!

Jeffrey: No, man! Get your mind out of the gutter. I meant where is Greg. Why isn’t he here?

Chad: Oh, my brother should be on his way. He should be here in no time.

*Jeffrey nods his head*

Jeffrey: No time. That’s exactly how long Elvin and Whitney lasted in the bedroom.

*Jeffrey laughs*

Elvin: Shut up, man!

Jeffrey: I’m just kidding, Elvin. Stop being so damn soft.

*The guys are interrupted when a taxi pulls up. Bob and London are then shown getting out and the taxi driver helps them get their things. London is wearing sunglasses*

Elvin: Is that Bob?

Chad: It looks like it, but it sure isn’t April he’s with.

*Daddy Barnes comes outside and approaches the guys*

Daddy Barnes: Who is that?

Chad: It’s Bob and some lady, Daddy Barnes.

Daddy Barnes: Hold on. April doesn’t look fat at all. She looks sexy, in fact. I don’t think I took my medicine.

Jeffrey: That’s not April, Daddy Barnes.

Daddy Barnes: Well, why is that young lady-

Chad: We have no idea.

Bob: Fellas!

*The guys approach Bob and London, who have bags and suitcases in their hands*

Chad: Hey there, Bob.

Elvin: Hey, Bob.

Bob: Daddy Barnes.

Daddy Barnes: Alright, stop beating around the bush. Why is that blonde bimbo with you instead of your fat female?

*Bob ignores Daddy Barnes*

Bob: Anyways, it seems like everyone’s here.

Jeffrey: Almost everyone.

Bob: Who are we missing?

Chad: We’re waiting on my brother, Greg.

Bob: Well, I can’t wait to see what kind of woman he’s bringing along with him this year.

Chad: Actually, Gregory says he’s coming by himself.

Bob: Really?

*Chad nods his head*

Chad: Yeah.

Bob: Well, that’s a shocker.

*London takes her sunglasses off. After a few seconds of awkward silence, the door creaks opens and we see Tiffany, Whitney and Samantha come out*

Bob: Well, hello, ladies!

Samantha: Hello yourself, bastard.

*Bob ignores Samantha*

Bob: Hey, Tiffany. Hey, Whitney……and Samantha.

Whitney: Bob, who is this you’ve brought with you? Please don’t tell me April had plastic surgery, gastric bypass, and got her mouth zipped shut.

London: Umm, I’m London. I’m a friend of April’s…and Bob’s.

Bob: I’m sorry. April invited London when she found out that there was an extra bedroom. Are you guys cool with that?

Tiffany (awkwardly): Umm…I guess so. Any friend of April’s is a friend of ours, right, guys?

Whitney: I suppose so.

Samantha: I suppose not. No! Absolutely not. She’s gonna have to fork up some money on this trip or something.

London: Well, okay. I don’t have any problem with that.

Samantha: Well, this is an awfully pretty one ya got with ya, huh, Bob?

Whitney: That’s what I was thinking.

Samantha: And single.

*Tiffany shrugs her shoulders*

Tiffany: Looks that way.

Samantha: Somebody better get this young thing out of here.

Whitney: Bob, where is April?

Tiffany: That’s what I’m dying to know. Where is she?

Bob: I made her drive. Me and London flew.

Tiffany: Huh?

Whitney: You did what?

Bob: Look, I don’t need to explain myself to you. I was not about to pay for another seat just for her gigantic ass. You guys know that she’s big as hell. She’s as big as a Buick.

*Chad and Daddy Barnes hold their faces*

Whitney: Bob, are you hearing yourself right now?

Tiffany: I must be hearing wrong. Did he literally just say that April’s driving?

Samantha: I’m still stuck on the “big as hell” and “big as a Buick” part. Seriously, dude. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You’re not a catch yourself, looking like you christened God.

Bob: London, beware. Look out for Samantha, also known as the bitter and meddling one.

Samantha: That’s right, and I’m also known as the ass kicking one.

Whitney: Bob, why would you make April drive up here alone?

Tiffany: Do you have any idea how long that drive is?

Chad: Come on, Bob. The weather’s supposed to be bad tonight, so maybe you should call her and tell her to get a flight tomorrow.

Bob: Look, why are you guys making such a big deal out of it? She is fine! You know, you guys are making a mountain out of a molehill. And April’s a mountain.

*Bob and London laugh*

Tiffany: I’m going in the cabin.

*Tiffany and Whitney go in the cabin*

Bob: Come on, April’s a big girl! Literally.

*Bob and London laugh again*

London: Good one, Bob.

Bob: Okay, stop giving me the serious face. Like I said, April’s fine. She’s a trooper. An enormous one. Now, come on. Let’s go inside.

*Jeffrey starts to help London with her stuff before Samantha stops him*

Samantha: London’s a big girl, just like April. She can get ‘em herself.

*Everyone else except for Chad and London go inside*

Chad: I got you.

*Chad helps London with her stuff and opens the door for her. Later, Whitney is shown in the kitchen with Tiffany and Samantha while using her phone, leaving a voicemail for April*

Whitney (on the phone, leaving a voicemail): April, please give us a call when you get this message. We just wanna make sure that you’re okay.

*Whitney hangs up*

Whitney: Straight to voicemail.

Samantha: Hmm. A friend of April’s.

*Samantha is shown trying to peek at everyone else in the living room*

Samantha: How come we’re just meeting this friend?

Tiffany: I know, right?

Whitney: And if she’s such a good friend, then why did she come here with Bob and why didn’t she drive up here with April?

Tiffany: Good point, I mean, we’re April’s friends and we would not get on a plane with her husband without her being there.

Whitney: Wait a minute, everyone. Before we start pointing the finger, let’s find out what’s going on and make sure we don’t pass too much judgement on her. Agreed?

*Tiffany nods her head*

Tiffany: Agreed.

*Samantha shakes her head*

Samantha: No.

Whitney: Well, why not? What’s wrong?

Samantha: I don’t like her. So…good thing I brought my Vaseline and Sneakers with me.

*At night, everyone else is shown outside, drinking a cup of hot cocoa when Tiffany comes out, drinking some herself*

Tiffany: Want some more, Chad?

*Chad shakes his head*

Chad: No, honey. I’m good.

Elvin (talking to Whitney): Did you get a chance to tell ‘em, babe?

*Whitney laughs*

Whitney: No, I didn’t, actually.

Tiffany: Oh, she doesn’t have to. We know all about the nomination.

Elvin: Not just the nomination, she won the award!

Samantha: Wow.

*Everyone clinks their cups together*

Whitney: Yes, it’s a really big deal up in D.C., so I would love for all of you to be there.

Samantha: Of course, girlfriend.

Whitney: You all have got 8 months to prepare, so it’s plenty of time.

Daddy Barnes: Whitney, can I be nominated?

Whitney: For what?

Daddy Barnes: To smash you.

*Daddy Barnes laughs*

Chad: Daddy Barnes!

Whitney: It’s okay, Chad. Daddy Barnes is notorious for his dark humor.

Chad: As well as his unfunny humor.

Samantha: Anyways, I’ll be there, and I would drink to that…if only I had a drink on me.

Jeffrey: Babe, you’d drink to Donald Trump taking trips to McDonald’s.

*Samantha rolls her eyes while Bob and London laugh*

Chad: Stop it, you too. That’s not funny…to Samantha.

Samantha: You know what, Jeffrey? Maybe one day I’ll drink to you getting a damn job. I can picture it now: “Hey, guys! Jeffrey’s got a job and he paid the mortgage this month! We all should drink to that!”

*Samatha laughs*

Jeffrey (embarrassed): Come on, honeybun. I already have a job.

Samantha: Selling shoes? Please don’t make me laugh, you Shoe Giver. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have anything.

Jeffrey: That’s funny, I used to say the same thing whenever we made love.

Samantha (offended): What?!

Jeffrey: Samantha, why must you be so-

Samantha: I don’t have to be any-

Whitney: Alright, that’s enough from both of you. And Samantha, that’s below the belt. Come on. Be nice.

Samantha: Well, I am merely stating a fact, Whitney.

Whitney: Well, there is something called fair fighting. We discovered that on the last vacation. You guys can do better.

Samantha: Well, no offense, Whitney, but when I get angry enough, all that lousy training goes out the window.

Chad: Look, Samantha, you should listen, because it worked for me and Tiffany.

Samantha: Well, that’s you and Tiffany.

Elvin: Sam, all there is to it is speaking in a calm and gentle tone. There’s no need to press your spouse’s buttons and try to get the last word in.

Whitney: Thank you, honey. Now, as long as we’ve all been married, we all know what our buttons are.

Elvin: That’s right. And when somebody says something to hurt the other person, ya don’t say something even worse to them.

Jeffrey: Yeah, Samantha. Listen to Whitney and Elvin for a change.

Samantha: Shut up, dummy!

Whitney: Jeffrey, why don’t you guys get to the bottom of what you’re really arguing about?

Samantha: Whitney, all that preaching sounds articulate, but we don’t have time to play any silly games.

*Bob and London are quickly shown laughing and whispering in each other’s ears*

Samantha (confused): Hold on. Just what in hell are those two over there giggling and gossiping for?

Bob: I’ll tell ya what we’re “giggling and gossiping” for. We’re having a conversation, like normal people do. Now, does anyone wanna join in?

Whitney: Umm, London, love, we were gonna get dinner started. Wanna join us?

*London quickly shakes her head*

London: Now, that’s where you lost me. I am so NOT a cook, so I’ll stay here and…chill with the boys.

*Samantha shakes her head*

Samantha: Oh, no. You’re gonna join us in the kitchen, where I can see you. The “boys” don’t need any company.

Tiffany: Yeah, come on, London. It’ll be fun.

Samantha: Yeah, get your loose self in here. Come on.

London: Should I, Bob?

*Bob shrugs his shoulders*

Bob: I don’t have any problem.

Samantha: Why are you checking with him? He’s your friend’s husband, not your daddy.

Whitney: April!

Samantha: What? We are not about to leave her with our men. You see that she’s young and blonde and pretty.

*The ladies go into the cabin*

Daddy Barnes: You alright, son?

Chad (worried): Yeah, Daddy Barnes. I’m just a little worried about Greg. He should’ve been here by now.

Elvin: Aren’t you worried about April, Bob?

*Bob shakes his head*

Bob: No, not at all.

Elvin: Why not?

Bob: Because I’m not crazy. Why should I be worried about a lazy, 1000 pound teddy bear?

*Everyone remains awkwardly silent*

Chad: Bob, man, I gotta thank you.

Bob: For what?

Chad: For ruining this week for all of us.

Jeffrey: For every single one of us, that is.

Bob: Oh, whatever. Don’t blame me just because you guys can’t handle your women.

Elvin: Us guys? You made April drive up here by herself.

Bob: That’s because I can handle her. You know, Elvin? You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I should’ve made her heavy ass walk. She could use the exercise.

*Bob laughs*

Jeffrey: You know what? Samantha treats me like a king compared to the way you treat April. I mean, if I had said something that cruel about Samantha, I would’ve been dead meat.

Bob: Listen, guys. It’s gotten to the point where me and April both can’t fit in the same room together.

*Bob laughs*

Bob: And April wears these battleship-sized pants.

*Bob laughs again*

Chad: Bob, that is vicious.

Bob: Oh, grow a pair of balls, Chad…and a sense of humor.

Daddy Barnes: Bob, the way you treat your wife is a shame. You oughta treat her with respect and with love.

Bob: Oh? Well, since you’re the expert on love and the ladies, where’s your woman?

Daddy Barnes: My woman’s up in Heaven!

Bob: Yeah, if there is a Heaven, that is.

Jeffrey: What are trying to say, Bob?

Bob: Sometimes I question if there’s a Heaven or a God. I mean, if there were, why would I be stuck with someone like April?

Chad: Come on, man. April’s a saint.

Bob: More like a slimy beast.

Elvin: Bob, who is this young girl that’s with you?

Bob: Well, first off, she’s a young woman, not a young GIRL. And…

*Bob looks around*

Bob: She’s a stunner, isn’t she?

Jeffrey: Wait a minute, Bob. Don’t tell me you’re…fooling with her.

Bob: That’s none of your business. I plead the fifth. I’m not willing to disclose.

Chad: Hold the hell on! You have the audacity to bring her up here, and-

Bob: Relax, okay?! Relax!

Daddy Barnes: Bob, I’m serious. I’m so serious right now, it don’t matter if you sleeping with her or not. If I don’t get a piece of her behind, I’m giving you a what for.

Chad: Dad!

*Daddy Barnes laughs*

Daddy Barnes: What? She’s good looking. She can put a smile on my face any time.

Chad: I swear, if she does that, I am sending both of you to the grave early.

Jeffrey: Anyways, Bob, you have been THE man since college.

Chad: Jeffrey, just how can you admire Bob given your situation?

Bob: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Situation?

Elvin: I think he’s talking about him and Samantha arguing.

Chad: No, I’m talking about Jeffrey getting an STD.

Daddy Barnes: Huh?

Chad: You heard me, Daddy Barnes. Jeffrey got an STD…and he only told me about it.

Bob: You got an STD from Samantha, Jeff?

*Jeffrey shakes his head*

Jeffrey: No, man.

Bob: Good, but still…you gotta be careful.

Chad: What? It has nothing to do with being careful. He shouldn’t have did it.

Bob: Look, Chad, stop being a party pooper. Jeffrey, what your wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Chad: You know what? It’s those kind of comments and that kind of thinking right there, that’s why there’s still people with HIV and STDs in the first place.

*Bob rolls his eyes*

Bob: If it isn’t the return of Mr. Adult Nerd who has all the stats. Here we go.

Elvin: Bob, I’m siding with Chad. He’s right.

Daddy Barnes: I’m siding with my son as well.

Bob: Well, side with him. That doesn’t mean he’s correct. Anyways, Chad, I’m not saying that I’ve had sex with London, but…you’ve never had urges to…peek at another woman?

*Chad shakes his head*

Chad: No.

Bob: Never?

*Chad shakes his head*

Chad: Never.

Bob: Then you’re gay.

*Bob laughs*

Daddy Barnes: That makes no sense. My son is married to a woman.

*Bob shrugs his shoulders*

Bob: He’s a closeted homo, then. He has to have some kind of sugar in his tank to NOT have…urges.

Chad: Shut up, Bob. Just shut up. I mean…there was this woman who was at me, but nothing happened. And that’s when I first started dating Tiffany.

Jeffrey: Why didn’t anything happen?

Chad: Because…look at your situation.

Jeffrey: Chad, it’s time to peek. You told me Tiffany hasn’t been giving you none lately. Now, there. You told everyone everything about me, and I just did the same.

Bob: Chad, are you that much of a punk? If your wife isn’t giving you her ass on a plate, you have the legal right to snatch it. Ya heard me? It’s a law now.

Chad: Look, just stop. You guys are making me feel uncomfortable now. And what country has that law?

Bob: Look, it doesn’t matter. I read it…in a book. You know what? It’s probably in The Constitution.

*Everyone laughs*

Bob: What? It probably is. Or maybe it’s in the Bible, or in The Declaration of Independence.

*Later, Jeffrey is shown entering his room, shirtless. Samantha is laying in the bed*

Samantha: What took you so long, honey?

*Jeffrey turns off the little night light before getting in bed with Samantha*

Jeffrey: Good night.

Samantha: What?

Jeffrey: Not tonight, babe. I got a headache.

Samantha: You’ve said that every night for three months now. It’s time to take some Tylenol.

*Samantha starts kissing Jeffrey on the lips and all over his neck*

Jeffrey (irritated): Stop it!

*Samantha stops*

Jeffrey (irritated): What are you doing?!

Samantha: I’m trying to show my husband some love. What’s the matter with that?

Jeffrey: I don’t want you to show me love right now.

Samantha: You used to love it when I showed you love. You never turned me down.

Jeffrey: Well, that was then. Plus, it’s been a long drive and a long day. That takes all the sexual drive outta me.

*Jeffrey’s face starts to get red*

Samantha: Oh, yeah? Well, do long drives and long days usually make your face turn red?

*Jeffrey sighs*

Jeffrey: Can we get some rest? I’m trying to get some rest.

Samantha: Oh, come on, honey! I’m wearing your favorite nightie.

Jeffrey: I don’t give a damn about the nightie, I give a damn about getting some shut eye.

Samantha: Oh, get some shut up. Get that.

Jeffrey: Mm-hmm. Good night.

*In Chad and Tiffany’s room, Chad and Tiffany are shown laying in their bed as Tiffany is resting her head on Chad’s chest*

Tiffany (furious): What is wrong with Bob? Why would he let April drive all the way up here, and by herself?

Chad: Calm down, honey. Everything will be alright.

Tiffany (furious): No, everything will NOT be alright. Bob just…better stay away from me. That’s what he needs to do.

Chad: Okay.

Tiffany (furious): Chad, it’s bad enough that he came here without April, but what was he thinking to bring that London girl here? We don’t know her!

Chad: I get that, honey. I get that. But this weekend’s supposed to be about us, remember?

*Tiffany nods her head*

Tiffany: I know. I know.

Chad: And this is a good time to work on…us.

*Chad gives Tiffany a kiss on the forehead*

Chad: If ya know what I mean.

*Chad winks at Tiffany*

Tiffany: I don’t believe you. April is out in the middle of nowhere, and you’re worried about sex. Good night, Chad.

*Tiffany removes her head from Chad’s chest*

Chad: Baby, come on.

Tiffany: Come on, nothing. All you men are the same.

*Tiffany shakes her head*

Tiffany: Poor April.

Chad (frustrated, under his breath): Damn you, Bob. Damn you.

*In Whitney and Elvin’s room, Whitney and Elvin are shown laying in their bed*

Elvin: Are you asleep, honey?

Whitney: No. Not at all.

Elvin: Well…can I ask you a question?

Whitney: Sure. What is it?

Elvin: Well, when you were with the girls today, did anyone bring up kids?

Whitney: Don’t even start, Elvin.

Elvin: Don’t even start what?

Whitney: I know exactly where you’re going with this.

Elvin: What? I was just asking.

Whitney: Well, don’t ask. Why are you worried about kids when you can’t literally…rise to the occasion?

Elvin: What?!

Whitney (sorry): Oh, I’m sorry, honey! That just…came out.

Elvin: It’s alright.

Whitney: Anyways, you know how much I love you, right?

Elvin (joking): No, I don’t.

*Elvin laughs*

Whitney: Stop that. Yes, you do.

*Whitney laughs*

Elvin (joking): I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Whitney: Well, I love you.

Elvin: How much?

Whitney: Lots and lots and lots. I love you more than all the words in all the books.

Elvin: Wow. That’s a whole lotta words.

*Whitney and Elvin laugh*

Elvin: But I love you just as much.

Whitney: Aww! You can be romantic.

*Elvin gives Whitney a kiss*

Elvin: I know that sometimes we have our disagreements and our struggles, but everything works out just fine.

Whitney: I know. If only we could say the same for our friends.

*In Jeffrey and Samantha’s room, Jeffrey is fast asleep while Samantha is wide awake*

Samantha (under her breath): So much for my romantic night.

*All of a sudden, someone can be heard walking in the hallway*

Samantha: Who is up at this kinda time?

*Samantha gets up, walks to the door, opens it, and peeps through it. From what she can see, she notices Bob going into London’s bedroom*

Samantha (under her breath): What the hell?

*Samantha quickly closes the door*

Samantha: Oh, no. That dirty bastard. It all makes perfect sense. April will be devastated.

*In the morning, Tiffany, Whitney, and Samantha are shown in the kitchen, getting breakfast ready. Samantha is scrambling some eggs while Tiffany’s pouring some orange juice and Whitney is making some toast*

Samantha: I’m telling you, I saw Bob in that room, and he was in there up until two hours ago.

Whitney: What?

*Samantha nods her head*

Samantha: Yeah. I suspected that something was up with him and the foolish friend.

Tiffany: It does make sense.

Whitney: Now, wait a minute. Maybe Bob wanted something that was in London’s bedroom.

*Samantha nods her head*

Samantha: Yeah…her. And I’m telling April as soon as she gets here.

Whitney: Don’t do that. We don’t know what kind of state of mind she’s gonna be in.

Samantha: Oh, come on, Whitney! Let’s forget it with all that psych drivel.

Whitney: It’s not drivel!

Tiffany: You know what, Samantha? Whitney is right. You know that April’s been really depressed lately, so let’s just…wait it out.

Samantha: For what? Are we really gonna wait out telling our friend that her husband is banging her so-called friend? And if it were one of us, we’d wanna know.

Tiffany: And? Sometimes people get angry at you for spilling the beans.

Whitney: Exactly. And since April has been so unhappy, the least we could do is make sure that she’s doing fine instead of sticking it to Bob.

*Everyone else except for Jeffrey enters the kitchen*

Daddy Barnes: Good morning.

Tiffany: Good morning, Daddy Barnes.

Samantha: Good morning, Daddy Barnes.

Whitney: Good morning.

Bob: Well…what a morning it is.

*Everyone has a seat at the kitchen table*

Samantha: Wait a minute. Where have you guys been?

Chad: We hiked the trail.

Elvin: Yep. It was great. There were snow bunnies and little silver fox thingies.

Whitney: Wow.

London: The food smells so good, Samantha. I haven’t had a good breakfast in forever.

Samantha: I reckon that’s because you’re too busy bed hopping.

London: What?

Samantha: I’m sorry. I was…thinking out loud.

London: Anyways, Samantha, the food looks better than it smells. I mean, wow. You belong on the kitchen.

Samantha: And you belong in the back of a vehicle.

London (offended): Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Samantha: You know what it means. And watch your mouth when you’re talking to me.

*Jeffrey enters the kitchen*

Jeffrey: Good morning, guys.

Bob: Jeffrey, my man.

*Jeffrey has a seat at the kitchen table*

London: How did you sleep last night, Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: I slept pretty good.

*All of the food is done and Samatha hands everyone their plate while Tiffany hands everyone a glass of orange juice. When it’s time to hand Jeffrey his plate, Samantha slams it on the table*

Jeffrey: On second thought, I slept horrible. I had nightmares and all.

*Tiffany, Whitney, and Samantha set their plates and glasses of orange juice on the kitchen table and have a seat with everyone else*

Whitney (sipping on orange juice): So, Bob…have you called April to make sure she’s okay?

*Bob shakes his head*

Bob: No. Now please stop asking me stupid questions like that.

London: I’m sure she’s alright anyway.

Samantha: Floozy, was anyone talking to you?

London: Floozy?

*Samatha nods her head*

Samantha: Yeah, floozy. As in slut, tramp, jezebel, whore, ho, bimbo. You don’t know your place?

London: Alright, that’s it. I have tolerated you long enough. But it’s hard to tolerate a loud and annoying piece of trailer trash like you.

Samantha (angrily): Bitch, I will mop the floor with you!

London: I’d like to see you try!

*Samantha and London stand up and start throwing food at each other*

Chad: Hey, guys!

Bob: What the hell is going on?

Daddy Barnes: Oh, snap! I need to go get my camera.

Chad: No, you don’t.

*Everyone starts shouting in unison. Eventually, Jeffrey and Bob get up and stop the fighting between the two ladies*

Jeffrey: Now, that’s enough!

Bob: Why didn’t you do something, Daddy Barnes?

Daddy Barnes (eating some scrambled eggs): ‘Cause I ain’t crazy. These eggs are hot as hell. I’m not trying to get burned.

London: I see I’m gonna have to break you in, Samantha.

Samantha: You’re gonna get broke the hell in! Don’t mess with me. You better get her, Bob.

Jeffrey: That’s enough, Samantha. Now sit down. Both of you.

*Samantha and London sit down. Jeffrey and Bob then do the same*

Jeffrey: Say something nice to London for once, honey. She’s a guest.

*Samantha nods her head*

Samantha: Alright. I’ll say something nice to her for once.

Jeffrey: Good.

Samantha: You look nice in that outfit, London.

London: Why, thank you…Samantha.

Samantha: Mm-hmm. Looking like a box of Lucky Charms.

*London rolls her eyes*

Bob (angrily): Why would you say that, Samantha?!

Samantha: I said what I said, with no regrets.

*A couple of seconds later, April and Greg enter the kitchen*

April: Hey, everybody.

Elvin: Hey, April. Hey, Greg.

Greg: Hey, Elvin.

*April approaches everyone at the kitchen and gives Elvin a hug. She then tries to kiss Bob but he pushes her away*

Bob (disgusted): Oh, please don’t. Not in public.

*Tiffany, Whitney, and Samantha get up as April approaches them*

Whitney: Hey, April.

April: Hey, Whitney.

*Whitney and April hug*

Whitney: Finally, you made it.

April: Yes…I made it.

*April gives Tiffany a hug*

Tiffany: Oh, April, we were worried sick about you.

April: I was worried sick about myself, but it was comforting to know that Greg was there to open the door for me.

*Greg is shown shaking hands with Elvin and Bob*

Samantha: Unlike your bastard husband, Bob.

April: Now, Samantha, don’t say that.

Samantha: It’s the truth. What kinda man lets his wife drive like that?

Bob: I’m right here, Samantha.

Samantha: Good. That means I’m not going crazy.

*Samantha and April hug*

Greg: Hey, Chad.

*Greg approaches Chad and shakes hands with him*

Chad: Hey, Gregory.

*Greg approaches Daddy Barnes*

Greg: Hello, Daddy Barnes.

Daddy Barnes: Hello, son.

*Greg shakes hands with Daddy Barnes before moving on to Jeffrey*

Jeffrey: Greg.

Greg: Jeffrey.

*Greg and Jeffrey shake hands*

Chad: Greg, what happened, man? I thought you were supposed to be here by yesterday evening.

Greg: I got delayed.

Chad: Oh…well, that explains a lot.

Bob: I see you flew solo this year, huh?

*Greg nods his head*

Greg: Yeah.

Daddy Barnes: Speaking of that, when are you gonna get married and quit playing around, son?

Greg: I knew that was coming. You always ask me that.

Daddy Barnes: I do it every time.

Greg: Anyways, I suppose I’ll get married when I find the right woman.

Daddy Barnes: Well, what about the one you was with a couple of years ago? She was real nice. I liked her.

Greg: Well, that didn’t work out because…she was dating two men at a time and I was one of ‘em.

Elvin: Oh, Greg. I’m sorry to hear that.

Greg: That’s alright, Elvin.

Jeffrey: I’m sorry as well.

Samantha: Ya know, Greg, if you’re in dire need of a female companion, I’m right here.

*Greg and Samantha laugh*

Jeffrey: That better be a joke.

Samantha: And that better be you closing your mouth.

April: Oh, I can’t tell you guys how good it is to see you all.

Whitney: Good to see you, too.

April: Oh, London. I found a man just perfect for you.

London: Oh?

*April nods her head*

April: Yeah…Greg. He’s the one. I mean, both of you are single, so I don’t see any problems, except for age difference. Of course you’re noticeably younger, but it’s no big deal.

London: Is that so?

April: Mm-hmm.

*London slowly nods her head*

London: Nice.

*London turns and looks at Bob, who has a ticked off look on his face*

Tiffany (under her breath): I saw that.

Samantha (under her breath): I did too.

April: London, why don’t you move over and let Greg sit down?

Bob: She’s sitting next to me. She doesn’t need to move.

London: It’s alright, Bob.

*London moves over a seat and lets Greg sit between her and Bob*

April: I wish I would’ve came sooner so that I could cook. Ya know I’m a good cook.

Bob: Oh, believe me. We can see you know about cooking, baby.

*Bob lets out a little laugh*

Samantha (furious): I swear, you got one more time, Bob. Say something. I dare you to. Say something, a*shole.

Bob: What is your problem, Samantha? Who peed in your orange juice? You are always so angry and so damn bitter, for no good reason.

April: Samantha, it’s alright. Bob always kids with me.

Samantha: It is more than kidding at this point. He is insulting you. And your good friend, London was laughing at you behind your back with him.

April: What?

Samantha: Ya know what? I’m not doing this. I gotta go.

*Samantha leaves out of the room*

April: What’s with her?

Bob: She got sand in her vagina.

April: Don’t say that, Bob.

Bob: It’s the truth. She is grouchy as hell and mean.


TO BE CONTINUED…

[Wawwie]

Samantha and Jeffrey's argument on the train was pretty funny. I like Daddy Barnes.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Samantha and Jeffrey's argument on the train was pretty funny. I like Daddy Barnes.

Yes, your character, Samantha doesn’t mince words at all. Believe me, she’ll have more to say later on.

How did you feel about the airplane scene with April/Bob/London and Chad and Tiffany arguing and later “getting lovey dovey” in front of Daddy Barnes?

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Yes, your character, Samantha doesn’t mince words at all. Believe me, she’ll have more to say later on.

How did you feel about the airplane scene with April/Bob/London and Chad and Tiffany arguing and later “getting lovey dovey” in front of Daddy Barnes?

I felt bad for April, being publicly humiliated about being fat, but hopefully, it will inspire her to lose weight.
It's nice that Chad and Tiffany are still lovey dovey.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

I felt bad for April, being publicly humiliated about being fat, but hopefully, it will inspire her to lose weight.

April’s weight plays a major part in this project. I’m sure you’ll root for her at the end once you find out what she goes through.

Speaking of April, what do you think of her husband so far? To be honest, I don’t think you’ll be fond of him.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

April’s weight plays a major part in this project. I’m sure you’ll root for her at the end once you find out what she goes through.

Speaking of April, what do you think of her husband so far? To be honest, I don’t think you’ll be fond of him.

Bob's the one who was making those fat "jokes" right? I did not care for those jokes. I thought it was mean and tactless. He already seems like a douche to me.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Bob's the one who was making those fat "jokes" right? I did not care for those jokes. I thought it was mean and tactless. He already seems like a douche to me.

Well, he’s played by your “knight and shining armor” lover, Jason Thompson, so I thought that you would like him a little.


Just kidding. LOL.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Well, he’s played by your “knight and shining armor” lover, Jason Thompson, so I thought that you would like him a little.


Just kidding. LOL.

Jason Thompson as in YR's "Billy"? LOL. I am no Jason Thompson fan... don't find him the least bit attractive either. I liked the original "Billy" much better, Billy Miller. I've always thought he was the hunkiest soap guy ever!

[Wawwie]

Samantha really is a horrible person. I've never hated anyone enough to say "Sometimes I wanna slit (whoever's) throat and watch them bleed." Samantha is gross. A drunken shrew, a bully and a loud mouth. I despise her. OK, I'll look at more later.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Samantha really is a horrible person. I've never hated anyone enough to say "Sometimes I wanna slit (whoever's) throat and watch them bleed." Samantha is gross. A drunken shrew, a bully and a loud mouth. I despise her. OK, I'll look at more later.

I don’t think she’s that bad, I mean, sure, she says some incredibly mean things, but if that’s how you feel about her, I’m sure you’ll dislike her even more later on in the story (except for when she bashes a certain someone who deserved it).

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

I don’t think she’s that bad, I mean, sure, she says some incredibly mean things, but if that’s how you feel about her, I’m sure you’ll dislike her even more later on in the story (except for when she bashes a certain someone who deserved it).

I read a tiny bit more as I've been super busy today. I don't like the way Samantha treats her husband. I feel bad for him. So far, I guess my favorite is Whitney. So far anyway, I'll have to see.....

I'll read more tomorrow.

[Wawwie]

Done...

I don't like how Bob and London flew together while poor April has to drive all by herself. Bob is a douche and a lousy husband. He should have either bought the extra seat for April or left with her. What kind of a husband lets his wife leave a plane so she could drive all alone while he flies in comfort with their "friend"? London sucks too IMO. April should file for divorce, go on a diet, start feeling good about herself again and then find a new love interest.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Done...

I don't like how Bob and London flew together while poor April has to drive all by herself. Bob is a douche and a lousy husband. He should have either bought the extra seat for April or left with her. What kind of a husband lets his wife leave a plane so she could drive all alone while he flies in comfort with their "friend"? London sucks too IMO. April should file for divorce, go on a diet, start feeling good about herself again and then find a new love interest.

But Bob is an azzhole for a reason, you’ll see later on. Since you didn’t like the idea of Bob letting April drive, I’m sure you weren’t fond of Bob calling April “a literal big girl” and “a mountain” (I know I didn’t).

Did you like the little bit where Bob refers to Samantha as the “bitter and meddling one” and Samantha says she’s also known as “the ass kicking one”? I don’t mean to brag, but that part had me LOL.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Did you like the little bit where Bob refers to Samantha as the “bitter and meddling one” and Samantha says she’s also known as “the ass kicking one”?

That was good, too. There are a lot of interesting parts.

[stevea]

One thing's for sure, nobody's got a great marriage. And poor Elvin needs him some Viagra.
I kinda feel sorry for Chad, with his workaholic wife.

Right, Bob's an ass. Not only is he merciless with April and her eating habits, he sends her on her way to drive alone. With bad weather coming yet.