Thelma’s Family Crisis

[TVLegend]

WARNING: This might take a while to read through.

CAST:

Unknown Tall Actor in Drag - Thelma Bodine
Reba McEntire - Laverne Bodine Cryer
MrCleveland - Leon Cryer
Wawwie - Kristen Higgins
TVLegend - Raymond Higgins
JoAnna Garcia Swisher - Candice Sheraton
opus - Van Sheraton
Billy Flynn - Lenny Cryer
Unknown Actor - Justin Cryer
Courtney Hope - Karen
Linda Lavin - Sophia
stevea - Ernie Bodine
Paris Hilton - GiGi
Child Actor - Alex Higgins
Child Actress - Colleen Higgins
Terry Crews - Dr. Sherman
Bonniegirl - Connie Bodine
TVFactFan - Alan Fallon
Ed O’Neill - Willie Hudson


*As we open, Laverne and Sophia are shown in a doctor’s office*

Sophia: Laverne, I’m telling you, I can’t stand the sight of hospitals. I don’t ever get sick, honey. You know that. You know that I’m as healthy as a horse.

Laverne: Well, yeah, you are, for your age.

*Sophia sits down in a chair in the room*

Sophia: I don’t even like coming into doctor’s offices, at all.

Laverne: I know, I know. But I do appreciate you coming with me, Sophia.

Sophia: You’re welcome, sugar. You’re welcome. Tell me. How are you feeling right now?

Laverne: I’m ok.

Sophia: Good. I feel ok too. I feel great. I don’t feel sick or lightheaded or nothing-

*Dr. Sherman enters the room*

Laverne: Oh, hello, Dr. Sherman.

Dr. Sherman: Hello, Miss Laverne.

Sophia: Uh, Laverne, is this Dr. Sherman?

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Yes.

Sophia: Well, in that case, nevermind, I’m as sick as a dog.

*Sophia pretends to cough*

Sophia: Oh, doctor! You gotta help me! I’m dying! Just feel on my chest to see if I’ll make it!

*Sophia puts Dr. Sherman’s hand on her chest*

Laverne: Sophia!

*Dr. Sherman lets go of Sophia*

Sophia: Ooh, is he tall, dark, and handsome. You won’t have to worry about me mistreating you, Doc, ‘cause I may be vanilla, but I love my chocolate.

Laverne: I’m so sorry about my cousin Sophia, Dr. Sherman.

Dr. Sherman: Well, that’s quite alright. You wouldn’t believe how many women hit on me, and without my consent nowadays. I’ve just gotten used to it. And besides, your cousin’s cute.

Sophia: Cute?! Cute?! Cute is for little puppies. If you get a little bite of Sophia, I’ll have you somewhere sucking on your thumb and calling for mommy.

Laverne: Sophia! Enough!

Sophia: Alright, alright. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. But your Dr. Sherman sure is a handsome young man, I know that for sure. Tell me, sweetie. Are you married?

Dr. Sherman: Well, no, I’m divorced actually.

Sophia (under her breath): God is good.

Dr. Sherman: What?

Sophia: Oh, nothing. Are you straight? I mean, were you once married to a man?

Laverne: Sophia, that’s none of your business.

Sophia: I’m just trying to interview my future husband.

Dr. Sherman: Miss Sophia, I am straight, for the record, and I have never been married to a man.

Sophia: Good, good. Because I love straight men. I mean, I love all men. I don’t have no problem with gay men. I mean, they’re great for doing my hair or decorating my house or opening the door for me, but they can’t compete with a straight man. They just cannot meet the requirements. No, siree. Uh, are you sure you don’t need a place to stay, Dr. Sherman?

Dr. Sherman: No, I don’t need a place to stay, ma’am. I’m fine.

Laverne: And why are you offering him a place to stay anyways? You live with me, Sophia.

Sophia: Well, that’s alright. That’s ok. He can live with me in my room. Just stay out of this, Laverne. Just hush your mouth. Don’t you see me trying to get some free doctor visits?

Laverne: You know what, Sophia? How about you wait in the waiting room? Can you do that?

Sophia: Why, yes, I can. I can, actually. Dr. Sherman, would you mind using your strong, black guy muscles to help me up?

*Dr. Sherman helps Sophia up*

Sophia: I’ll just wait in the waiting room, because I don’t even like doctor’s offices, all ya’ll do is probe all over folks and…

*Sophia touches Dr. Sherman’s chest*

Sophia: Touch all on folks’ chest. It’s too much.

*Sophia leaves out of the room*

Laverne: Sophia, I hope you won’t try to smoke out there!

Sophia (O.S., outside of the room): Will you quit worrying?! You should be more concerned about what I’ll try to smoke rather than me smoking! I’ve been smoking all day! It calms my nerves!

Dr. Sherman: I gotta give it to you, Miss Laverne, your cousin is a character.

Laverne: You don’t know the half of it. She’s 78 years old and still acts like she’s 7.

Dr. Sherman: Wow. Umm, how are you feeling, ma’am?

Laverne: Why don’t you tell me? Just tell me, Doc. If it’s any bad news, just break it to me.

Dr. Sherman: Well, sad to say, the cancer’s back. And it’s far more aggressive than before. I’m sorry, Miss Laverne.

Laverne: Oh, there’s nothing to be sorry for, honey.

Dr. Sherman: Then again, we could try chemo again, but at this point, I’m not sure if that would do any good.

*Laverne shrugs her shoulders*

Laverne: Well, thank you for your help. How long do I have?

Dr. Sherman: Only God knows that, Miss Laverne.

Laverne: That’s true, but how long do I have, in your professional opinion?

Dr. Sherman: Well, in my professional opinion, I’d say…four, maybe six weeks.

Laverne: Hmm. Well, God bless you and thank you.

*Dr. Sherman helps Laverne up*

Laverne: I’m tired anyways, you know? We’ve been fighting this thing for almost five years now. I’m just tired.

Dr. Sherman: Five years.

*Dr. Sherman shakes his head*

Dr. Sherman: I thought that we’d beat it.

Laverne: Now, Dr. Sherman, don’t be sad. Everything’s gonna be just fine. At least I can say that I’m living for the lord.

Dr. Sherman: You’re one of the greatest patients I’ve ever had. You’re always smiling and in a good spirit.

Laverne: That’s because I’m a child of God. I know that every day he gives me a gift. And when he stops giving all those gifts to me, I’ll already be with him. And that’s the greatest gift of all.

*Dr. Sherman nods his head*

Dr. Sherman: That is the greatest gift of all. Well, God bless you, Miss Laverne.

Laverne: Thank you, Dr. Sherman.

*Dr. Sherman and Laverne hug*

Laverne: I promise to give you a call. I’ll try to find a way to break the news to my children. I’d like for you to be there in case anyone has any questions.

Dr. Sherman: I’ll come over and explain if necessary.

Laverne: Well, good. Good.

*Back at Alan Fallon’s house, Alan is sitting on the couch, when the doorbell rings*

Connie (O.S., in the kitchen): Daddy, go get the door!

Alan: I’m getting in!

*Alan gets up and goes to answer the door. At the door when he answers it is Willie Hudson*

Willie: Well, if it isn’t Foolish Fallon!

Alan (confused): Well, who are you? Nobody hasn’t called me Foolish Fallon since high school.

Willie: Well, that was the last time we saw each other. I’m Willie. Willie Hudson. Remember me?

Alan: Shut your mouth! You’re Willie Hudson?

*Willie nods his head*

Willie: Yeah.

Alan: You’ve gotten old.

Willie: Well, everyone ages.

Alan: I know, but you look two days older than God.

Willie: Well, it’s nice to see that you haven’t changed. You’ve been wearing that same ugly and loud shirt since high school. It looks like the thing’s taking your blood pressure.

Alan: Oh, shut up.

*Connie enters the room with a cup of coffee in her hand*

Connie: Well, hello there! Who are you?

Willie: I’m Willie Hudson. I used to go to school with Alan Fallon here. I assume you know him.

Connie: Why, yes, I do. I’m his daughter, Connie.

Willie: Connie?

*Connie nods her head*

Connie: Yes, sir.

Willie: Connie!

*Willie gives Connie a hug*

Connie (awkwardly): Umm…Mr. Willie Hudson.

*Alan pulls Willie away from Connie*

Alan: Hey, get your damn hands off my baby girl, you sick old pervert! Go find yourself a baby girl to hug on!

Willie: I’m sorry, Alan, but you don’t understand. I came here for a reason. I came for Connie.

Connie (confused): You did? Why?

Alan: Yes, why?

Willie: Well, I don’t know how to say this, but…I’m Connie’s real father.

*Connie drops her cup of coffee on the floor and spills it, breaking the cup into little pieces. Later, Thelma is seen slowly driving around the parking lot of Walmart while on the phone with Connie*

Thelma (on the phone): Hello? Yeah, Connie. I’m back.

*Connie is briefly shown at the house, on the phone with Thelma*

Connie (on the phone): Mama, I have something important to tell you.

*It switches back to Thelma*

Thelma (on the phone): Not right now, baby. I’m in the parking lot of Walmart. I’m trying to find a parking spot.

*It switches back to Connie*

Connie (on the phone): Well, ok. Call me back when you can.

*It switches back to Thelma*

Thelma (on the phone): Alright.

*Thelma hangs up. GiGi, who’s in a car behind Thelma honks her horn*

GiGi (with window down): Come on! Move it, granny! I don’t have the time!

Thelma (under her breath): I hope that flat-chested little dumb blonde behind me ain’t talking to me.

*Thelma doesn’t speed up, which makes GiGi honk her horn again*

GiGi (with window down): Yeah, I’m talking to you, you gray-haired fossil! I’m in a hurry!

*One car pulls out of the parking spot that Thelma wanted, but GiGi passes her up and gets to the parking spot before Thelma could*

Thelma (furious, under her breath): What the hell?! I know that dumb bitch didn’t just do that!

*GiGi gets out of the car and Thelma puts her window down*

Thelma (with window down): Umm, excuse me, young lady, I don’t know if you saw me or not, but-

GiGi: Oh, I saw you, great great great great great grandma. I bet it’s driving you insane. What are you gonna do about it? Huh?

*Thelma takes a deep breath*

Thelma: Ok, young man, you do realize that that was my parking spot, right?

GiGi: I’m not a young man, for your information, you stupid old knucklehead. And it’s not your parking spot. So deal with it.

*GiGi walks off before Thelma decides to follow her in the car. The last we see is GiGi turning around and screaming in horror. Meanwhile, at Laverne’s house, Laverne and Sophia are sitting in the living room, talking, when Laverne’s son, Leon enters the house*

Leon: Hello, everyone.

Laverne: Hi, sweetie.

Sophia: Hey there, Leon.

Laverne: How was your walk?

Leon: It was ok, but it was kind of difficult seeing all those people since I hadn’t been out in weeks.

*Leon goes into the kitchen*

Sophia: Oh, come on. You just overreacting. Maybe if you’d get over your shyness, then you’d be able to realize that there is no reason to be frightened by some kind folks.

Laverne: Sophia, stop that. He is more than just shy. You know that boy has social anxiety. Now just give it a rest, you’re probably making him feel uncomfortable already. But anyways, like I was saying, Sophia, I want to see all my children.

Sophia: Ooh, you’re a little late. All My Children went off the air 11 years ago.

Laverne: I’m not talking about no TV, Sophia. I’m talking about all of my children. You know. Leon, Kristen, Lenny, Justin, and Candice.

*Sophia nods her head*

Sophia: Oh, ok.

Laverne: Yes. I want to see all in the family.

Sophia: Leon!

Leon: Yes?

Sophia: Come on in here! Your mama says she wants to watch All In The Family. What channel is that on, Laverne?

*Sophia picks up the remote while Leon enters the room*

Laverne: No, no, no, no, no. I’m talking about my family. My kids, their kids, and some other relatives. I want ‘em all to come over here so that I can tell them what the doctor said.

*Leon goes back into the kitchen*

Sophia: Oh, that’s right. Leon!

Leon: Yes?

Sophia: Come on back and put the remote back. She doesn’t want to watch no All In The Family. She wants to see her family.

Leon: Oh, ok.

*Leon enters the room and puts the remote back on the coffee table before going into the kitchen a third time*

Sophia: Wait a minute, Laverne. Do you even want your brother, Ernie to come over here?

Laverne: Well, yeah.

Sophia: Leon!

Leon: Yes?

*Leon enters the room*

Sophia: Listen here, sweetie. Get my purse out of that closet. It’s behind that big box in a little box, wrapped up in one of my dresses that’s wrapped up in my coat that’s hanging on a hanger.

Leon: And what do you want me to do with your purse?

Sophia: Hide it.

Leon: Hide it?

Sophia: Yeah. Of course. Didn’t you hear her say that she wanted your Uncle Ernie to come over?

Leon: Mama, I’m gonna clean up your room after I get supper started.

Laverne: Why, thank you, baby. Sometimes I just don’t know what I’d do without you.

Sophia: You know what? Your son is absolutely handsome, Laverne.

Laverne: I know.

*Leon goes back into the kitchen*

Sophia: Then, he’s very helpful as well. I mean he don’t have no problem with cleaning up or cooking.

Laverne: He doesn’t.

Sophia: You know why that is?

*Laverne shrugs her shoulders*

Laverne: He loves his mama and cares about her.

Sophia: No! That’s not why! It’s because he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Laverne: Why does that matter? Obviously he doesn’t want one.

Sophia: Oh, I wouldn’t say that. I mean, he’s 32 years old and is still a virgin.

Laverne: Now, you know that ain’t true.

Sophia: Well, ok! He had sex once, and he said he didn’t enjoy it that much. I’m telling you, Laverne, all this gloominess and sadness is gonna keep Leon lonely.

Laverne: Stop talking like that! It’s as if you’re speaking negativity on him.

Sophia: I’m just saying. He can’t be a bible-thumping wimp for much longer.

Laverne: He’s not a wimp! Cut that out!

Sophia: Well, ok. If you say so. If Leon ain’t praying then he crying.

Laverne: That’s a lie.

Sophia: We’ll see about that. Leon!

Leon: Yes?

Sophia: Uh, when are you gonna get a girlfriend?

Leon: Not right now, that’s for sure. I’m happy with Jesus the Lord. He’s all I need.

Laverne: Well, what is that supposed to mean?

Sophia: It means he’s gay.

Laverne: Sophia, that’s enough! You know Leon’s a straight man.

Sophia: He is, he is. He just needs to get a life. That’s all.

*Laverne rolls her eyes*

Sophia: Leon!

Leon: Yes?

Sophia: Sweetie, you need a special woman in your life.

Leon: Now, look, Aunt Sophia. I already have a special woman in my life. My mama.

Laverne: Thank you, baby.

Leon: And besides, I could get a woman if I wanted one easily.

Sophia: Mm-hmm. That’s what all losers say.

Laverne: Keep on harassing my baby boy, Sophia. You’re gonna be a loser. A homeless one at that.

Sophia: Well, look on the bright side. At least Leon hasn’t started singing those hymns yet.

Leon (singing): Lord, a friend we have in Jesus! Oh, lord!

Sophia: On second thought, nevermind. That boy’s simply suicidal.

Laverne: Oh, I don’t want to hear that nonsense. Leon ain’t suicidal.

Sophia: Maybe not, but none of this makes any sense. Leon’s 32 years old and hasn’t had a female companion in years.

Laverne: Sophia, leave my son alone. Some people are happy alone. And then, some people blossom late in life. Leon’s a beautiful flower.

Sophia: Yeah, well, a dead cactus is a beautiful flower to some folks, but you don’t see me running out here to go buy one. And you might have to watch out for your beautiful flower of a son, because one day he might have a male companion if you keep describing him that way. Anyways, enough about Leon’s sad excuse for a life. You said that you wanted to see your family, right?

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Well, yeah.

Sophia: Well, when do you want to see ‘em?

Laverne: Umm…tomorrow night over dinner would be fine, I guess.

Sophia: Great. That’s absolutely great.

*Sophia gets up and grabs her purse and her keys*

Laverne: Well, where are you going?

Sophia: Uh, I’m going over to a friend’s house.

Laverne: You’re not gonna walk there, are you?

*Sophia shakes her head*

Sophia: Oh, no. Of course not. I’m gonna drive there.

Laverne: Now, Sophia, you know you can’t drive. You don’t have no driver’s license.

Sophia: Do you think I care? I’ve been driving without a driver’s license since I was 9.

*Sophia leaves the house. At Thelma’s house, Thelma is shown sitting on the couch, watching TV when Connie knocks on the storm door. The front door is open*

Connie (outside): Mama! Are you in there?!

Thelma (sarcastically): No! It’s your mama’s twin sister, Velma! Thelma ain’t here right now! She always keep the front door wide open so that she can get robbed!

*Connie sucks her teeth in aggravation*

Thelma: Come on in here!

*Connie enters the house and sits in one of the armchairs. Seconds later, Alan enters and takes a seat on the other couch*

Thelma: What’s up?

Connie: I don’t know, but I do know that you’re about to go down.

Thelma: What?

Connie: Mama, is Mr. Fallon my daddy?

Thelma: What do you think? Of course he’s your daddy! You know that he your daddy. I was in bed with him, wasn’t I?

Alan: Well, this morning, an old friend of mines from high school came over to my house and claimed that Connie was his daughter.

Connie: So we was wondering if Mr. Fallon really is my father.

Thelma (nervous): Ooh…well, in that case, I don’t know who your daddy is. I just don’t.

Connie (shocked): What?!

Thelma: I’m sorry. I just don’t. I was fast in my day. And the boys was all in love with me.

Alan: Ain’t nobody was in love with a big bear like you.

Thelma: Oh, really, Fallon? I find that funny, seeing as you didn’t say that when I had my legs spread open for you after prom. Remember that?

Alan: Oh, shut up. Quit judging me. I was rebellious then, but I’m saved now.

Connie: Daddy…or Mr. Fallon, do you think that we should bring Mr. Hudson in here?

Alan: I think we should.

Thelma: Wait a minute. Who the hell’s Mr. Hudson?

Connie: He’s the gentleman that says he’s my father. Come on in, Mr. Hudson! Come on! It’s ok!

Thelma: Hold the hell on! What in hell’s the matter with you?! Inviting total strangers into my house while I look a mess!

Alan: Relax, Thelma. You’ve always looked a mess.

Thelma: Oh, shut up, before I make you lose your belly fat. You gon’ weight less than a ruler. Keep it up.

*Willie enters the house*

Thelma: Willie? Willie Hudson?

Willie: Thelma Bodine?

*Thelma gets up and hugs Willie*

Thelma: Oh, it is good to see you! I ain’t seen you in forever! Have a seat.

*Willie sits in the other armchair while Thelma sits back down on the couch*

Connie: So you two know each other?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: Yeah. Me and Fallon used to go to high school with Willie.

Connie: Oh, boy!

Alan: I can’t believe it. You cheated on me with Willie Hudson. Ooh, you such a tramp.

Thelma: Oh, hush your mouth, you old fool. What happened between me and you was a meaningless one night stand, anyways.

Alan: But we was in love.

Thelma: We had prom sex, Fallon. Get over yourself.

Connie: Anyways, Mr. Hudson, what took you so long to come down here and talk about you being my father?

Willie: Well, when my wife died, I was going through therapy, and I eventually realized I had a whole lot of repressed memories, and one of them was of Thelma and I in the backseat of my father’s Chevy.

*Everyone except for Thelma shakes their head in unison*

Alan, Connie, and Willie (in unison): Ugh!

Alan: Thelma, that’s just disgusting. I bet you was taking up most of the Chevy.

Thelma: Shut up. I was sexy and tall back then, Mr. Thirteen Seconds.

Alan: More like stupid and terrifying. You still as tall as a utility pole though.

Connie: Wait a minute. I’m confused. I thought that you got pregnant after you and Mr. Fallon’s prom night, mama. What’s with the backseat Chevy sex?

Thelma: Oh, I don’t remember how I got in the backseat of that Chevy with Willie.

Willie: I don’t remember either.

*Thelma begins to think*

Thelma: Wait a minute. I remember now. I remember not being satisfied by Fallon’s sexual abilities and turning to Willie for…round two.

Connie (disgusted): Eww! That’s gross!

Thelma: Well, call me a sicko, because it might’ve been gross to you, but it felt so…good.

Connie (disgusted): I don’t think I should be hearing this.

Alan: Me neither.

Thelma: Anyways, I don’t know who your father is anymore, Connie. I don’t know. Just know that I’m your mother and I love you and that I tried the best I could to raise you as a single mother. Because, to be honest, honey…I was a slut.

Connie: What?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: Oh, yeah. I was a real slut back in my day. My slut days have definitely caught up with me. I was already seeing about 10 men already by the time I was pregnant with you.

Connie: 10 men?

Thelma: Oh, yeah. But I didn’t have no one night stand with the others like I did with Fallon and Willie. It was more like a five second stand with them.

Connie: Mama, how long were you gonna keep this hidden?

Thelma: For as long as possible.

Connie: I don’t believe you. It’s bad enough that I didn’t learn about Mr. Fallon being my daddy until I was 47, but now, you mean to tell me that he might not be my daddy after all?

Thelma: I’m sorry, baby. I really, genuinely am. But I can’t make up for my slut days. Plus, since the truth’s out, I guess it’s safe to tell you that I was studying to be a stripper at the time too.

Connie: You were studying to be a stripper?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: Oh, yeah. I was gonna go by the stage name of King Kong Beauty, but there was too many legal issues with that one. So I just went by the name of Thunderous Thelma.

*Alan starts crying*

Connie: Oh, it’s ok, daddy. We’re all upset about not knowing if you’re my father or not.

Alan: I don’t care about that! I’m crying because…I didn’t know that Thunderous Thelma was really Thelma!

*Alan gets up and approaches Thelma*

Alan: But I am upset about this whole situation too, Thelma. Thelma, can you do me a favor?

Thelma: What is it?

Alan: Can you give me a kiss like you used to? Just a big, juicy kiss this one time. I’m asking this out of moral support. So please.

*Thelma punches Alan in the nose and he falls on the floor in shock and agony, screaming*

Connie (shocked): Mama! How could you?

Thelma (angrily): I’m not about to kiss that idiot after all the hell I’ve been through! What the hell wrong with him?! Did somebody put salt in his coffee?!

*Connie and Willie get up to help Alan up and then the three return to their seats*

Alan: I can’t believe you’d do that.

Thelma: I can’t believe I didn’t put your dumbass in a coma.

Connie: Now, mama, that was uncalled for.

Thelma: No, it wasn’t. I don’t let no man kiss up on me no more unless I know what kind of car he drives and what kind of money he makes. And I know Fallon. That’s why he’s just a forgotten baby daddy.

*All of a sudden, Sophia rushes into the house*

Sophia: Thelma! Thelma! I need you!

Thelma: Now, Sophia, you seem to be a nice woman, but you my cousin and I don’t swing that way anyways. I’m straight.

Sophia: No! Not in that way. I meant that I need your help.

Thelma: With what?

Sophia: With getting your family together.

Thelma: Ok. Why does my family need to get together?

Sophia: I don’t know how to tell you this but…your sister, Laverne’s cancer is back.

Connie: Wait a minute. Aunt Laverne has cancer again?

*Sophia nods her head*

Sophia: Yeah, she does. But don’t say nothing about it.

Connie: I won’t. But I am sorry to hear that.

Sophia: Yeah, but anyways, Thelma, your sister’s cancer is back and she wants the whole family to come over to her house tomorrow so she can tell them over dinner.

Thelma: And where do I come in in that situation?

Sophia: Well, for one, I’m sure that Laverne wants you to come over tomorrow and also, she could use your help to gather all of her children to tell them about the dinner.

Thelma: Well, I guess I could do that.

Sophia: Oh, thank you, Thelma. I do thank you. You’re the only one who can set things straight with your tough love. And believe me, your sister’s family is gonna need all the tough love they can get. I mean, that family is a mess from top to bottom. Leon still doesn’t have a girlfriend, I’m not sure if Justin’s a person, Kristen mistreats and browbeats her husband, their children are disrespectful, Lenny is still selling that dope while juggling women, and Candice is a bitch who doesn’t appreciate her husband.

Thelma: Good lord! Candice still as mean and stuck up as ever?

Sophia: She sure is.

Thelma: I thought she’d grow out of those little girl like antics. But Laverne did tell me about them little demon seeds Kristen and her husband, Raymond are raising. Look, I’ll do what I can, but don’t expect a miracle.

Sophia: All I expect is for you to get the family together. That’s all.

*Back at Laverne’s house, Laverne is shown watching TV while Leon’s in the kitchen when Sophia comes in*

Sophia: Hi, Laverne.

Laverne: Hey, Sophia.

*Sophia takes a seat in one of the armchairs*

Sophia: Listen, Laverne. You need help with these children if they’re coming over tomorrow. And I decided to get somebody to help you. Now, I know ya’ll have different opinions on how to raise children and all. But I called her, and she said she’d help you out and I think she’s on her way now. I think that-

*Thelma enters the house*

Sophia: Well, there she is! Hey, Thelma!

Laverne: Why, it’s good to see you, sister.

Thelma: How are you doing, Laverne?

Laverne: I’m doing just fine.

*Laverne gets up and hugs Thelma before sitting back down. Thelma takes a seat on the couch*

Thelma: Good. Good. Well, Sophia came to my house and she told me that your family needed straightening out for the dinner and she asked if I could come here and I said yeah.

Laverne: Well, I’m glad you’re here.

Thelma: I know that you and me have different styles of raising children. You like to bring people to church, and I like to bring people to a chokehold. So we are a little different, but I guess I could help you out.

Laverne: Yeah. I’m sure we’ll work it out.

Thelma: Yeah. But you don’t look sick at all.

Laverne: Well, I do feel good.

Thelma: Good. You look good. Your house looks good too.

Laverne: Thank you.

Thelma: It’s so clean.

Sophia: Yep.

Thelma: Leon still ain’t got a girlfriend, does he?

Sophia: Nope.

Thelma: I bet he runs to New Birth every time the door swings open.

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison*

Laverne: Well, you know, all of us go to New Birth occasionally.

Sophia: Yeah.

Laverne: All of us.

Thelma: Not Sophia.

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Yeah.

Thelma: Sophia don’t go to church.

Sophia: Yes, I do go to church.

Thelma: Sophia, don’t lie to me. You don’t go to no church. All the hell you raised back in the day. Now you running to the church house?

Sophia: Thelma, I do go to church. I had to run up in that church. When I ran up in that church, I felt-

Thelma: Stop that lying. You lie way too damn much. You’ve already said three lies just that quick. All that lying ain’t good.

Sophia: Can you let me finish talking, Thelma? I haven’t even said the whole story yet.

Thelma: Well, say what you said.

Sophia: I said I ran up in the church-

Thelma: Stop those lies. I just heard three lies. Three lies. Stop all that lying about the church.

Sophia (confused): Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

Thelma: Say it slow, sweetie. Say it real slow.

*Sophia nods her head*

Sophia: Ok. I-

Thelma: Lie #1.

Sophia: Ran-

Thelma: Even you should know that that’s a lie.

Sophia: Up in-

Thelma: Lie #3. Trust me, sweetie, you didn’t run up in nowhere.

*Laverne starts laughing*

Thelma: Wait a minute. I didn’t know ya’ll knew her.

Laverne: Knew who?

Thelma: That girl in the kitchen.

Laverne: There ain’t any girl in that kitchen, Thelma.

Thelma: Wait a minute. That’s not Marcy D’Arcy from Married…With Children at your stove?

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison*

Laverne: Oh, hush up, Thelma. That’s my son. That’s my baby, Leon. He’s your nephew.

Thelma: I know that’s Leon. Hey, Leon!

Leon: Hey, Aunt Thelma!

Thelma: Ooh, that young man sounds so lonely. It’s all in his throat. Ya’ll better watch him. Is he still shy?

Laverne: He’s not shy, he has anxiety.

Thelma: Oh, that just means he crazy.

*Laverne rolls her eyes while Sophia laughs*

Laverne: You know what? I’m starting to think that I don’t need your help.

Thelma: I’m sorry, Laverne. I’m sorry. Uh, Leon, come here. Let your aunt take a look at you, sweetie.

Leon: Well, ok.

*Leon enters the living room and approaches Thelma at the couch*

Thelma: Ooh, let me take a look at you.

Sophia: He looks the same.

Thelma: Wow. Just…wow. Listen, Leon. When I think of home, I think of a place too. Wow.

*Sophia laughs*

Leon: Thank you.

*Leon goes back into the kitchen*

Thelma: He said thank you?

*Sophia nods her head*

Sophia: Yeah.

Thelma: Leon, baby, I wasn’t saying wow because you look good! I was saying wow because you look god awful!

*Leon starts crying*

Laverne: Now, Thelma! I know you’re my big sister, and I know you want to help, but that is not necessary! Quit bullying my baby!

Thelma: That’s right. I’m sorry Leon. I’m real sorry. But anyways, I guess I better get going and try to tell the family about the supper tomorrow.

*Thelma gets up and heads to the door*

Thelma: I’ll see ya’ll later.

Sophia: Alright.

Laverne: Bye, Thelma.

Thelma: Bye.

*Thelma leaves the house. At Acme Hardware, Raymond is shown talking to a male customer*

Raymond: Well, anyway, this guy goes to the psychiatrist, and he says, “Doc, I got these bugs crawling all on me. Cockroaches, worms, and everything else. It’s driving me crazy. Can you please do something to help me?” And then the Doc says, “D-Don’t get ‘em on me.”

*Raymond and the male customer start laughing in unison*

Male Customer: I gotta remember that one, Raymond! But thanks a lot. I’ll see you later.

*As the male customer leaves, Thelma walks in*

Thelma: Hey there, Raymond.

*Raymond sucks his teeth in aggravation*

Raymond: So, what brings you by this time, Miss Thelma?

Thelma: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Except for my rubber stopper. Remember that rubber stopper you handed me and you told me that it would plug up my tub just fine? Well, the damn thing broke.

*Thelma pulls a rubber stopper out of her purse that’s been broken in half and puts it on the counter*

Thelma (angrily): What the hell is that, Raymond?! What the hell is that?

Raymond: Well, what do you want me to do about that?

Thelma (angrily): Nothing. Nothing at all. Just stand there, and look stupid and act stupid. It’s what you do best, isn’t it? I’m sick of you. I’m s-i-c-k of you. All you do is stand there and tell folks the DUMBEST jokes I’ve ever heard, all day long! Nevermind if a old lady come up in here and she might need a rubber stopper. You don’t care. You’ll hand her the nastiest, cheapest looking rubber stopper. Damnit, you so damn lazy! You just lazy and disgusting! I’m not coming back in this pigsty of a store! I’m taking my business to Harley Hardware across the street! And then I know your mama. I’m real good friends with your mama. Oh, yeah! I’ve known her since before you was in diapers. So I’m gonna tell her about this right here. You know what, Raymond? When you die, tell them people to tape your mouth and bury you on your head to give your damn mouth and feet a break! Anyways, that’s not why I came here. I’m sick of looking at your lazy ass. Where’s your wife?

Raymond: Uhh, she’s at home. Why?

Thelma: Well, tell her that my sister and your mother-in-law, Laverne wants all of ya’ll to come over to her house tomorrow. She wants y’all to have dinner with her because she got something she wants to tell ya’ll.

Raymond: Tomorrow?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: That’s what I said, huh? Just tell Kristen that and be there.

*Thelma leaves out of the hardware store. Later, Candice is shown walking to her home while on the phone*

Candice (on the phone): Yes. I’ll be there. No, I don’t have to do anything tomorrow night, so I’ll make it to the party. Alright. Bye bye.

*Candice hangs up. Seconds later, Thelma suddenly gets out of the bushes, startling Candice*

Candice: Aunt Thelma! What on earth were you doing in the bushes?!

Thelma: I was waiting for you, my beautiful niece. How are you?

Candice: I’m doing just fine.

Thelma: Well, good, good. Uh, Candice, I notice that you haven’t answered any of my calls. Why is that?

Candice: Well, I’m a very busy woman, Aunt Thelma. I don’t have the time or interest to answer a meaningless phone call.

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: I know. I know that you’re a very busy woman. I’m aware of you being a registered nurse, but I wasn’t calling you to tell you something meaningless. And I called you at least 15 to 20 times. So get it together. Please answer your phone.

Candice: Ok. I’ll answer my phone more. Lesson learned. Bye bye.

Thelma: Hold on! Hold on, Candice! Can you do that? Can you hold on?

*Candice nods her head*

Thelma: Anyways, I was calling you to inform you that your mother is having a big dinner tomorrow-

Candice: So what? She always has dinner. She’s just not going to be able to eat it all in one night if it’s big.

Thelma: I wasn’t finished, dearie. Can you let me finish? Can you, umm…what’s the word? Zip it? Yeah. Can you zip it?

Candice: Look, I don’t have the time-

Thelma: Well, that’s ok. You’ll get the time. But as I was saying, your mama is having a big dinner tomorrow night and she’d like for you to come over with your husband, Van.

Candice: Tomorrow night?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: Yes.

Candice: Oops, sorry, but I won’t be able to make it. I have a party to attend, so goodbye.

Thelma: Ok, Candice. I didn’t ask you if you wanted to come over to your mama’s house tomorrow, I’m telling you to come.

Candice: And I didn’t ask you to take yourself and vacate the premises, I’m telling you to.

*Thelma takes a deep sigh of irritation*

Thelma: Ok, let’s try this again. Maybe I should approach you differently. How about that? Let me get into my rich bitch voice.

*Thelma clears her throat*

Thelma (condescendingly): Hi, there, Candice! Look, girlie-girl-girlfriend! Umm, your mommy is having a big dinner tomorrow night and it’s gonna be hella lit, so with that being said, Miss Laverne…or Miss Vernie, with an exclamation mark, would like for you to come over with your husband, Van to eat din-din. How does that sound?

*Candice rolls her eyes*

Candice: Look, Aunt Thelma. You’re becoming almost unbearable, so please leave before something happens.

Thelma (condescendingly): What’s gonna happen, Candy Sheraton? Or should I say Candice Sheraton? That’s your name, isn’t it? I’m not sure, because I’m as dumb as mud.

Candice (irritated): Look, just leave me alone and leave! My mother always taught me to treat my elders with respect, but I’m getting ready to smack the taste out of your mouth, old lady.

Thelma (condescendingly): Hmm. Smacking the taste out of my mouth. I don’t think that’s very family friendly, Candy. In fact, I think that’s a threat. So, in return, I’m going to promise and not threaten to beat your ass. Now, deep down, I don’t think you want me to do that, so calm down…please.

Candice (irritated): Look, Aunt Thelma, I’m not coming to my mother’s house just to have some silly and dumb dinner. That’s final. So please leave while you can.

Thelma (condescendingly): Hmm. Leave while I can. Well, what’s gonna go on if I don’t leave, Candice? Huh? Huh? I hope something bad or terrible doesn’t happen, because I’m so scurred. Isn’t that how us ignorant and redneck people talk? You’d know, since you live in a different part of town than me.

Candice (irritated): I’m trying to be nice, Aunt Thelma, but you’re pressing my buttons, so why don’t you move your dusty and old butt on up from my property? Can you do that?

Thelma (irritated): Listen up, dumbass! I’ll press your buttons for as long as possible until you promise me that you’ll show up for the big dinner that your mama’s having tomorrow! If I don’t see you at that dinner table by 9:00, I’m going to haunt you down so I can give you a beating! And I know you don’t want my fists and hands all on your uppity behind, so be there! Now, I’ve told your brother-in-law, Raymond about the dinner, your uncle, Ernie, and your dope-selling brother, Lenny, but you seem to be the only one who can’t get it together! So get your sh*t together! You got that?!

*Thelma vacates the premises. Later, at night, Raymond is shown entering the Higgins home with a bunch of flowers and weeds straight up from the ground while his kids, Alex and Colleen are on their phones*

Raymond: Hey, kids.

*Alex looks up at Raymond*

Alex: ‘Sup, old man?

Raymond: Alex, what did I tell you about calling me old man? I’m your father, so call me daddy or dad or…father.

Alex: Do you think I care…old woman?

*Alex and Colleen laugh in unison*

Colleen: Go easy on Raymond, Alex. I don’t think he took his meds.

*Alex and Colleen laugh on unison*

Raymon: Colleen, you don’t call me by my first name. We went over that.

Colleen: I don’t give a f*ck…Raymond.

*Raymond takes a deep sigh*

Raymond: What did I tell you about all that swearing, young lady? I’m gonna start taking away your electronics if you keep it up.

Colleen: I’d like to see that. I’d like to see you take away my phone and the rest of my “electronics”. Then I’d have to slap the hell out of you, with your crusty, tired ass.

*Raymond shakes his head in disgust and grabs a water out of the refrigerator before crossing over to the bedroom, where Kristen is. He immediately approaches her*

Raymond: Happy 14th Anniversary, babe.

Kristen (sarcastically): Well, well, well. I see my lover man has came through for me yet again. I can’t wait to enjoy every second of my wonderful anniversary gifts again.

Raymond: I knew you couldn’t.

Kristen: I was being sarcastic, you dimwit. Are you too stupid to realize that?

Raymond: Please, just lay off of me. You’re hurting my feelings. You don’t know how it is to work for hours at that damn hardware store-

Kristen: Oh, here comes the hardware blues! You had this great idea with the Japanese rabbit traps, but nothing ever came of it. I here the same crap every week. You suck at showing your wife a good time.

Raymond: Whatever. Here.

*Raymond hands Kristen a bottle of water and a bunch of flowers and weeds a.k.a. her anniversary gifts*

Kristen: What are you giving me this stuff for?

Raymond: Those are your anniversary gifts!

Kristen: Is this some idiotic joke? Kind of like the ones you tell your customers at that poor excuse of a hardware store. Really, Raymond? A bunch of nasty flowers and weeds? Where’s the thought? And could you not manage to go to the store?

Raymond: Well, I’m sorry, Kristen. I didn’t think about going to no store.

Kristen: That’s exactly what I mean! You don’t think!

Raymond: I’d be able to think if you didn’t criticize me for every little thing I do! And since I didn’t go to a store, I pulled up them little flowers and weeds myself before coming in.

Kristen: Do you think you can explain this bottle of water? I mean, if I wanted water, I could’ve gotten it my damn self.

Raymond: I’m sorry, honey.

*Raymond takes the water and flower and weeds from Kristen and puts them to the side*

Raymond: I realize that my anniversary gifts might not be the best, but I do love you, even after 14 years of marriage.

Kristen: Mm-hmm.

Raymond: Speaking of, where’s my gifts?

Kristen: You don’t deserve any, I don’t think.

Raymond (infuriated): What do you mean I don’t deserve any?! I break my back for you every day.

Kristen: I wish you’d let me lay on my back for you, just once a month. Hell, I’m lucky if we even have sex once a year. What happened to the lively, energetic, fun, and loose Raymond Higgins that I married? Where did he go?

Raymond: Hell, Kristen. You’re not no picnic, so naturally I lose my being lively and energetic and fun and loose after 14 years of marriage.

Kristen: Oh, so now you’re trying to insult me.

Raymond: No, I’m not trying to insult you. I get where you’re coming from. I don’t tend to get all lovey dovey or romantic often, so let me get to work on our anniversary.

*Raymond starts kissing Kristen’s neck*

Kristen: Please, stop. You’re embarrassing me.

*Kristen pushes Raymond away*

Raymond: I’m just trying to kiss you.

Kristen: Well, I don’t want to be kissed any more. You make my skin crawl now.

Raymond: Uh-huh. Apparently everything about me makes your skin crawl. Anyways, your Aunt Thelma came over to the store today and she said that your mama wanted everyone to come to her house tomorrow for some big dinner. She plans on telling us something, although I have no idea what it is.

Alex (in living room): I’m not going!

Kristen: Yes, you are, young man!

Alex (in living room): No I’m not, Kristen, and you’re not making me! Ya’ll can go, but I ain’t going to no stupid and boring dinner at Laverne’s!

*The next day, Thelma and Sophia are shown sitting in the living room, waiting for the dinner to be ready while Laverne and Leon are sitting to the kitchen table*

Sophia: I’m real glad you were able to get the family together, Thelma.

Thelma: I’m glad too.

*Kristen enters the house and walks into the living room*

Kristen: Good afternoon, everyone.

Laverne: Hey, sweetie.

Kristen: Hey, mama.

Sophia: Hey, Kristen.

Kristen: Hey, Aunt Sophia. Hey, Leon.

Leon: Hi.

Thelma: Kristen, my niece, you look great. Your thighs and butt happen to be a little big, but you still look great.

Kristen: Umm…thanks, I guess, Aunt Thelma.

Thelma: I know your husband enjoy being in the bed with you. Let me ask you something, Kristen. Does Raymond make the bed rock?

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison*

Sophia: He does, but that’s mostly whenever he has gas.

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison again*

Kristen: Actually, Raymond hasn’t made anything rock in over 2 months.

*Thelma gasps*

Thelma (shocked): What?

*Kristen nods her head*

Kristen: Yeah.

Thelma: Well, I don’t know what to say. You got to get in touch with your seductive side, ‘cause the Bodine women have always been sex kittens.

Sophia: That’s true.

Thelma: I had sex every 10 minutes when I was in my 20s and 30s.

Kristen (shocked): Really?

Thelma: Yeah. And then I woke up from the long, long dream.

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison*

Thelma: Where’s Raymond and the kids?

Kristen: They’re getting out of the car.

Thelma: Good. Good.

*Raymond, Alex and Colleen enter the house*

Raymond: Hi, ya’ll!

Laverne: Hey, my son-in-law!

Thelma: Hey, Raymond.

*Colleen falls on the couch next to Thelma and pulls out her phone*

Thelma: Umm, don’t you want to say something, Colander?

*Colleen looks up at Thelma*

Colleen: My name’s Colleen.

*Colleen rolls her eyes*

Thelma: That’s what I said, Cabbage. What’s the matter with you? You can’t speak?

Colleen: I don’t speak in a room full of dumb old people like you.

Thelma: Ok, well…your hair looks nice.

Colleen: I know it does. My hair looks a hell of a lot better than yours.

*Thelma takes a deep sigh of irritation. Raymond and Alex then cross over to the living room*

Thelma: Well, I see that ya’ll’s son has grown up. He looks handsome. I see he ain’t been missing no meals.

*Thelma laughs*

Alex: It looks like you ain’t been missing no meals either, with your fatass.

Thelma: Excuse me, young man? Do you want to run that by me one more time?

Alex: I think you heard me the first time.

Thelma: Look, nephew, I was just kidding, but you’re gonna make me go serious on you. And I don’t think you want to witness that.

Alex: Well, I didn’t think that lame ass joke was funny, old lady.

Thelma: Kristen, Raymond, ya’ll better come get him. He don’t know me. Don’t play games with me, little boy.

Alex: I’m not playing any games, I’m for real. I’m sick of annoying, wrinkled grannies like you. What’s up? You wanna take this outside?

Thelma: No. I don’t think that’ll be necessary.

*Thelma gets up and gets a belt out of her purse*

Thelma: I’ll spank your little behind right here.

Laverne: Don’t do it, Thelma! Don’t touch him!

Thelma: I ain’t about to touch him, Laverne. I’m just gon’ whoop his ass, that’s all.

*Thelma grabs Alex and starts beating him with the belt in her hand*

Raymond: Miss Thelma, what are you doing?!

Kristen: Let go of him!

*Alex starts sobbing*

Thelma (angrily): I’ll let go of him when I’m damn good and ready.

Colleen: This old woman’s crazy!

Sophia: Get him, Thelma!

*After a couple of seconds, Thelma stops beating Alex and puts her belt up*

Alex: You just don’t know when to stop!

Thelma (angrily): No, hell no. You just don’t know when to stop!

Alex: Did that stuff make you feel good?! Did it?!

Thelma (angrily): Well, it sure as hell didn’t make me feel bad. Listen here. If you pull a stunt like that again, I’m gonna get my belt out again so I can beat your ass. After a while, you’re not gonna have any more ass, ‘cause it’s gon’ get beat! Some of you young folks are so damn disrespectful. What you just did was disrespectful and rude! I’m sick and tired of seeing young boys like you wearing tight pants that somehow sag while you cuss and roll your eyes at other people who ain’t as ill-mannered as you! When I was your age, I already learned how to say “Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night. Hello, how are you?”, and the list goes on. I also said things like yes ma’am, no ma’am, yes sir, no sir, and if I hadn’t said things like that, I would’ve gotten knocked out! In other words, the children are to be seen and not heard! Don’t speak unless spoken to! You don’t know me well enough, either. I have old whoop-your-ass within me. This brand new whoop-your-ass ain’t got nothing on old whoop-your-ass. Brand new whoop-your-ass will make you shed a tear, old whoop-your-ass will send you to the hospital. Hell, I might look like a king size bag of Skittles to you, but in the same breath, I’ll make you taste the rainbow. You got that?

*Alex nods his head*

Alex: Yeah.

Sophia: You say yes ma’am.

Alex: Yes, ma’am.

*Thelma pushes Alex away to his mother, Kristen. Kristen immediately gives her son a hug*

Kristen: Aunt Thelma, spanking Alex didn’t solve anything. Kids will be kids.

Thelma: That’s right. Kids will be kids. And brats will be brats. Your son is a brat, and if you don’t discipline him, he’s gonna grow into a nice adult brat who’s either gonna be in jail or living with you, rent free at the age of 40.

*Thelma sits back down*

Raymond: Well, we’re sorry if we aren’t up to date on your ways of parenting, Miss Thelma, but we believe that all it takes is simple and little punishment to keep a child in line. Talking to them nicely will help too.

Thelma: And that’s exactly why them kids talking to ya’ll like that now. Ya’ll are too damn gentle and nice with them things. Your kids are not supposed to be your friends, they’re supposed to be your offspring. Now, they can be your friends if they learn how to behave themselves, but if they treat you like dirt, something’s wrong. They got way too many “cool” parents nowadays. That’s one reason why we got so much bullying in schools throughout the world. And in that particular situation, it becomes the bully’s fault and the bully’s parents’ fault. Your attitude and the way you carry yourself is partly based off of how you was raised.

Kristen: You are entitled to believe that all you want, Aunt Thelma, but none of that is really true.

Thelma: The hell it ain’t. What I said was very true. The Bible says, “spare the rod, spoil the child.” So, in your case, that would mean, if you don’t kick some ass, your children will have sass.

*Seconds later, Lenny enters the house with his girlfriend, Karen*

Thelma: Hey, Lenny.

Lenny: Hey, Aunt Thelma. Hey, everybody.

Thelma: Well, who is this lovely young ball of sunshine that’s accompanying you?

Lenny: This is my girlfriend, Karen.

Thelma: Oh, Karen.

*Lenny nods his head*

Lenny: Yeah.

Thelma: Ain’t this the one you made a nursery rhyme about, Sophia?

*Sophia nods her head*

Sophia: Yeah. Let me sing it for you.

*Sophia clears her throat*

Sophia (singing): Slut, slut, slut, slut! Karen’s such a slut! Who cannot keep pants on her butt!

*Sophia laughs while Karen rolls her eyes in disgust*

Lenny: Karen, baby, I’m gonna go in the kitchen and talk to mama.

*Karen nods her head*

Karen: Ok.

*Lenny goes into the kitchen. Karen then enters the living room and takes a seat in one of the armchairs*

Sophia: Uh, Karen, sweetie. Where’s my $20?

Karen: Excuse me?

Sophia: Did you fart?

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison*

Sophia: I’m sorry. You must have burped.

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison again*

Sophia: But like I was saying, where’s my $20? You told me you were going to give it to me later on, and well, it’s later on now and I still haven’t seen my $20.

Karen: Oh, give it a rest. It’s just 20 measly dollars.

Sophia (angrily): See, this is what I’m talking about right here!

Thelma: Calm down, Sophia.

Sophia (angrily): God, why must you test me so?

Thelma: Karen, you better be glad Sophia here is going to church now, because there was a time where the old Sophia would’ve took that $20, went to the laundromat, got some quarters, put it in a sock, and smack the hell out of you with it.

*Lenny and Laverne enter the room*

Karen: Hi, Miss Laverne.

Laverne: Hey, honey.

Lenny: Ma, can I talk to you for a minute?

Laverne: Sure. Come on.

*Lenny and Laverne go upstairs*

Thelma: I like them shoes you have on, Karen.

Karen: Why, thank you.

Thelma: How much did they cost?

Karen: I have no idea. Maybe…$850 or $900.

Thelma: The shoes were 850 or $900?

*Karen nods her head*

Karen: Yeah.

Thelma: Wow. Do they book reservations and everything else for you? 850 or $900. I could get a car for that amount. Wow. How long ago did you buy those shoes?

Karen: I don’t know, maybe about three weeks ago.

Thelma: Three weeks ago, you had 850 or $900 for shoes. Well, how long ago did she borrow that $20 from you, Sophia?

Sophia: About a year ago, Thelma.

Thelma: There you go. Are you gonna do anything about that?

Sophia: I can’t do nothing about that, Thelma.

Thelma: Sophia, come on. Don’t let Jesus take all the vengefulness out of you. Go get Karen. Go after her.

Sophia: Thelma, being a saved, Christian woman is a process.

Thelma: Sophia, Leon needs a process. You, however, need to handle your own with this Karen girl.

Sophia: Thelma, dear, the Bible says, “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.”

Thelma: Sophia, I’m sorry, but you gotta learn how to know which scripture to use for a certain situation. You see, the Bible also says, “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so.” That means if somebody has done something to you and you’ve been redeemed by the Lord, you can knock them out and say, “so”?

Karen (nervously): Umm…I suddenly feel the need to go check on Miss Laverne and Lenny.

*Karen gets up and runs upstairs. Lenny and Laverne are then shown in a room upstairs*

Lenny: Mama, I need to borrow some money.

Laverne: Money? For what? I gave you money just last week. Is it for Karen?

Lenny: Mama, no.

Laverne: Are you sure?

*Lenny nods his head*

Lenny: Of course I’m sure.

Laverne: Ok.

Lenny: That’s all you have to say? Ok?

Laverne: Yeah.

Lenny: Well, thank you, mama. I appreciate you never judging me. You don’t judge me or Karen. Just…thank you.

Laverne: Look, Lenny. Life is short, so find someone who really loves you.

Lenny: I’ve already found someone who loves me. That someone’s Karen. If only she wasn’t so obsessed with nice things.

Laverne: Ain’t nothing wrong with nice things, when you can afford ‘em, that is.

Lenny: And that’s where the problem lays. We just can’t afford nice things, but yet Karen’s still out shopping.

Laverne: Now, Lenny, I hope you aren’t thinking about going back into those streets. You’re better than that.

Lenny: I wouldn’t dream of going back to the streets, mama.

Laverne: I just hope you’re telling the truth, because you’ve already been to jail once for selling drugs. And to make things perfect clear, I do not want you selling dope for Karen!

Lenny: I’m not selling dope. So please get off of my case.

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Fine. I’ll get off of your case.

*Laverne hands Lenny $200 before leaving out of the room. Karen then comes in and approaches Lenny*

Karen: What did your mom say, huh?

*Lenny hands Karen the $200*

Lenny: She said that.

Karen: Wow! This is great.

*Karen counts the money*

Karen (furious): Wait a minute. She gave you $200? What the hell am I supposed to do with $200?!

Lenny: I don’t know! It’s what she gave me.

Karen: Well, fine. I guess I’ll just get my hair done or something.

*Lenny shakes his head*

Karen: I can’t believe that you’d actually give me $200, though. You know that I’m trying to get my boutique with my sister. Look, all I’m asking for is $15 grand. Is that too much to ask for?

Lenny: All I’m asking for is for you to take a chill pill. Just trust me on this one.

Karen: Trust you? Really, Lenny? I could trust you if you would just call Fernando and make the drop. That way, I’ll have all the money I need. And then I’ll be ok.

Lenny: Do you not understand how it works? Look, honey. If I get caught this time around, I won’t see the light of day anymore. Now, that’ll be at least 20 years, without a doubt.

Karen: I don’t care about any of that. Just do something. I have to live life too, you know? Damnit, why must you be so weak?! Josh used to take fabulous care of me.

Lenny: Why are you bringing Josh into this? He’s your ex!

Karen: Josh might be my ex, but he had money, unlike you. You’re such a cheapskate, and you refuse to have me, your girlfriend’s back. I don’t even know why I left Josh for you. I mean, you used to have money when we first got together. But now, you’re handing me $200, so obviously something needs to be done.

Lenny: Something will be done. I-I’ll call Fernando and see if I can make a drop.

Karen: Yeah. Call him.

Lenny: You’re just lucky your looks can intimidate me.

Karen: Yes. I am, in fact.

*Karen leaves out of the room. Thelma, Sophia, Leon, Raymond, Kristen, Alex, and Colleen are then shown in the living room. Leon is shown standing with some lemonade in his hand*

Thelma: Well, what’s that?

Leon: It’s lemonade.

Thelma: I can’t have no lemonade. I’m a diabetic. That stuff’ll eat me up.

*Candice and Van enter the house*

Thelma: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up. I see I didn’t have to haunt you down.

Van (confused): What is she talking about?

*Candice shakes her head*

Candice: It’s nothing, Van. Don’t pay her any mind. And for the record, Aunt Thelma, I probably wouldn’t have even showed up if Van hadn’t dragged me over here.

*Leon goes into the kitchen*

Candice: Mother! Mother! Are you in here?!

Sophia: Laverne’s upstairs.

Candice: Ok. Well, it is surprising to see that my sister’s kids haven’t sweared at me yet.

Sophia: I guess they haven’t. Your Aunt Thelma over there kicked some butt.

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison*

Kristen: What are you trying to say, Candice?

Candice: I’m not trying to say anything, Kristen. I already said what I said.

Kristen: Well, it sounds to me like you were trying to insinuate that my children have no manners.

Candice: I don’t have to insinuate anything when it’s the truth.

Kristen: Hold me back, Raymond. I’m gonna strangle her.

Candice: Sweetie, if you touch me, I won’t hesitate to call the cops on you.

Van: Well, in Kristen’s defense, honey-

Candice (irritated): Shut up, Van! I didn’t ask for you to defend my vile sister.

Van: Well, you started it.

Candice: I really don’t give a damn who started it. I was just merely making a point. It’s not my fault that Kristen doesn’t want to handle her unruly kids.

*Candice goes into the kitchen*

Kristen: Raymond, I’m sick of her.

Raymond: I know, honey. I know.

Kristen: Sometimes, I just want to hurt her.

Alex: Please, Kristen. Candice would knock you out in a heartbeat.

Thelma: Do you want me to spank your ass away, young man?

*Alex quickly shakes his head*

Alex (nervously): N-No, ma’am.

Thelma: That’s what I thought.

*Justin enters the house carrying a schoolbag*

Justin: Hi, guys.

Sophia: Hey, Justin.

Kristen: Hey, Justin.

Thelma: Ain’t he…

*Sophia nods her head*

Sophia: Yes.

Thelma: School bus…

*Sophia nods her head*

Sophia: Short and yellow.

Thelma: Ok. That’s what I thought.

*Justin enters the living room*

Justin: Hey, Aunt Thelma.

Thelma: Hey, sweetie. How old are you now?

Justin: I’m 19.

Thelma: Wow. You’re another one that grew up fast. What grade you in?

*Sophia quickly shakes her head*

Sophia: Don’t ask him that, Thelma. Don’t do it.

Justin: I’m in the fifth grade now, Aunt Thelma.

*Thelma pauses in confusion*

Thelma (confused): What?

*Justin nods his head*

Justin: Yeah, Aunt Thelma. I’m in fifth grade.

Thelma: Well, ok. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, I guess. It’s ok. At least you’re in school.

Sophia: That’s right.

Thelma: Yep. At least we know you’re in school. And look on the bright side: your children will one day know where you’re at.

*Sophia laughs*

Sophia: Thelma!

Thelma: What? One day, his children will proudly say, “Oh, daddy’s down the hall in Ms. Moore’s class.”

*Sophia and Thelma laugh in unison*

Thelma: Don’t worry about me, nephew. Just do good in school, do your very best. That’s all that matters.

Justin: Ok.

*Justin sits on the floor and pulls a coloring book and crayons out of his schoolbag*

Justin: Oh, man! This is awesome! Mom’s the best, giving me this coloring book and crayons.

Thelma: Lordy, lord, lord. Conjunction junction, what’s your function, huh, Justin?

Justin (confused): What?

Kristen: It’s nothing, Justin. Don’t pay any attention to her.

*Leon and Candice enter the living room*

Candice: Mother! Come on down here! I drove all the way out here and I’m waiting for dinner!

*Laverne, Lenny and Karen enter the living room*

Laverne: Well, hello, Candice.

Candice: Hi, mom.

Kristen: What’s the big deal anyways, Candice? You can’t wait for dinner to be ready?

Candice: I am talking to my mother and not to you, sister dear, so please butt out.

Leon: Can the two of you please stop it? There’s no need to argue.

Candice: And there’s no need for you to insert yourself into someone else’s conversation, Leon.

Laverne: Candice!

Candice: No, mom. Leon should’ve learned to stay in his lane.

Kristen: It doesn’t matter. You have no right talking to him like that.

Candice: And you have no right telling me what to do.

Laverne: Girls, that’s enough!

Candice: I don’t even know why I came here in the first place. I don’t feel like dealing with Kristen or anyone else.

Kristen: You’re here because mama invited you here, but if you don’t like your stay, you can leave.

Candice: Kristen, hush your fat mouth!

*Kristen rolls her eyes*

Candice: Now, mom, if you’re calling me over here about money, I don’t have it.

Laverne: No one’s calling you over here for money, Candice.

Candice: Well, in that case, there’s no reason for me to be here.

Kristen: You’re absolutely right.

Candice (irritated): Kristen!

Kristen (irritated): Candice!

Thelma: Now, Candice, I’ve had it up to here with you. You hush your mouth. Your mama invited you over here for a reason, so wise up and shut up.

Candice: How about you wise up and shut up, Aunt Thelma?

Thelma: Van, you better get her, ‘cause I’m getting ready to choke the hell out of her.

Van: Candice, what’s wrong with you, talking to your own aunt like that?

Candice: What’s wrong with my aunt, talking to me like that?

Leon: Mom, I just don’t understand how you can put up with Candice.

Candice: I don’t understand how mom can put up with a loser like you, Leon. It’s not like you have a girlfriend or something to keep you occupied.

Leon: I don’t need a girlfriend. I have Jesus.

Candice: Yeah, right. I know you feel bad about yourself deep down whenever you’re all by yourself. I’d feel bad about myself too if I were shy and weak.

Kristen: Leon’s not shy or weak. He has anxiety.

Candice: Is your name Leon? If not, then mind your business.

Van: Lower your volume, everyone. I think I just heard Uncle Ernie outside.

*Everyone quickly hides their things*

Sophia: Get everything, ya’ll, and hide it.

Thelma: Everything’s hidden. Go on and open the door, Van.

Van: Ok.

*Van goes and opens the door. At the door when he opens it is Ernie*

Ernie: Hey, Van!

Van: Hey, Uncle Ernie.

*Ernie enters the house and closes the door behind him*

Ernie: Hey, everybody!

Everyone (nervously, in unison): Hey!

Ernie: Umm, Van, let me ask you a question.

Van: What is it?

Ernie: Do you still keep your wallet down in your sock?

Laverne: Ernie!

Van: No, I don’t, actually.

*Van quickly walks away*

Ernie: Well, why does everything look so put up?

Everyone (in unison): Because you’re here.

*Ernie sniffs*

Ernie: Something smells good in the kitchen.

*Ernie goes into the kitchen*

Thelma: Come on out the kitchen, Ernie. We don’t trust you.

*Ernie comes back and awkwardly pats down Kristen*

Kristen (confused): What are you doing?

Thelma: Ernie, what the hell you doing?!

Ernie: I’m looking the bathroom.

Laverne: Now, Ernie, you know darn well you know where the bathroom is.

Ernie: Well, it looks like you’ve redecorated. It looks nice too, but I guess I’ll head to the bathroom, because I think I’m consecrated.

Laverne: That’s constipated, Ernie. Constipated.

Ernie: Same thing.

*Ernie goes upstairs and rushes to the bathroom*

Thelma: Somebody go up there and keep an eye on my brother.

*Lenny goes after Ernie upstairs*

Leon: Umm, Mama, what is it that you wanted to tell us?

Laverne: I’ll explain later, over supper, Leon.

GiGi (O.S.): Lenny!

Sophia: Damn!

Thelma: What is that?

Sophia: You’ll see.

*GiGi enters the living room from the back of the house, with an infant safety seat in her hand. A baby is obviously in the seat*

Sophia: Now, Thelma, this here is trailer trash at it’s finest.

GiGi: Lenny!

*GiGi places the seat on the coffee table*

Sophia: Her name’s GiGi.

Thelma: Hmm. GiGi looks awfully familiar.

GiGi: Hey, Aunt Sophia. Hey, Miss Laverne. Hey, everybody. Lenny! Is Lenny here?

*Karen approaches GiGi*

Karen: Yes, my boyfriend is here.

*GiGi slowly nods her head*

GiGi: Oh, I see. You must be Lenny’s little girlfriend.

Karen: Why, yes, I am.

GiGi: I can’t believe the poor dear would leave all of me for all of…nothing.

Karen: What is that supposed to mean.

GiGi: Nothing, I didn’t mean nothing at all. I didn’t mean to offend you, Miss Thing.

*Lenny comes downstairs and approaches GiGi*

Lenny (annoyed): You again. I cannot stand you.

GiGi: You can’t stand me, but you’re gonna stand our baby right now. You need to take care of him while I go to cosmology school.

Lenny: Cosmology school?

*GiGi nods her head*

GiGi: Yeah. You know, cosmology. The study and application of beauty treatment.

Thelma: That’s not how you say that. You sound ignorant as hell. That’s not how you say that at all. It’s called cosmetology school. Where do you get cosmology from?

Lenny: GiGi, I still don’t understand why you’re here. We’re about to have supper.

GiGi: Oh, well go ahead. You can have your little supper, but just know that you need to take care of-

Everyone Else (in unison): Your baby.

GiGi: And you better have my money at the end of this month and quit wasting my time. Believe me, if I don’t see that money, the police will be knocking at your door. Ok?

Thelma: GiGi, I’m sorry to interrupt, but we having a very private family moment right now, so please stop with all that noise and take this baby. Come on back another time.

*GiGi turns and looks at Thelma*

GiGi: Wait a minute. I know her. Ooh, I know her! I know her very well. Lenny, this is the same woman that almost ran me over at Walmart.

Thelma: Yes, I am the same woman that almost ran you over at Walmart. I didn’t like your attitude then, and I don’t like it now, it’s disgusting.

GiGi: Anyway, since there’s obviously an audience, how about we take this conversation outside?

Karen: Sounds great.

Lenny: Yeah. How about we take you outside and tell you bye, and that’ll be the end of the conversation?

Karen: No, Lenny. Let’s go outside with GiGi, the demented baby mama from hell.

*Lenny, Karen, and GiGi go outside*

Candice: Let’s go, Van. I’ve had enough of the baby mamas and all the yelling and fussing for one day.

Laverne: No. Please stay, Candice. I haven’t told ya’ll what I’ve wanted to get off of my chest.

Candice: Well, whatever it is, just hurry up and get it off your chest, mom!

Van: Candice, that is your mother. Don’t talk to her like that.

Candice: Don’t talk to me like I’m a little girl. I don’t need daddy to scold me.

*Candice goes outside while Ernie enters the room*

Raymond: Man, that was hilarious! Van, Candice talked to you the same way Kristen always talks to me.

Kristen: And who is talking to you, Raymond? I don’t think anyone said a word to Raymond Higgins. We discussed this. I specifically said not to open your mouth before you think, Raymond. I mean, who the hell are you to laugh at someone, you whiny wimp of a man?

*Everyone turns and looks at Raymond as he smiles in embarrassment*

Ernie: Raymond, that’s just embarrassing as hell.

*Later, everyone, including Dr. Sherman is shown eating at the kitchen table*

Leon: Mama, supper is absolutely delicious!

Laverne: Thank you, baby.

Karen: I’ll eat anything to get my mind off of GiGi.

Candice: I personally don’t know how any of you can stand this food. I, for one try to avoid greasy, fried foods as much as possible. Me and Van try to prevent having heart attacks or hypertension.

Thelma: Now, Candice, we ask that you leave your bad attitude and bitchiness at the door while you’re over here.

Laverne: Anyways, I do appreciate you coming over here, Dr. Sherman.

Dr. Sherman: No problem, Miss Laverne. No problem.

Thelma: That’s your Dr. Sherman, Laverne?

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Yeah.

Thelma: Wow. I didn’t know. I need to start getting more checkups.

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison*

Sophia: You and me both.

Thelma: Say, Doc. Do you mind putting your stethoscope in my-

Laverne: Thelma!

*Thelma and Sophia laugh in unison again*

Thelma: You don’t know, Dr. Sherman. You don’t know the half of it. Once I sit this thing down on you, you won’t be able to get it off. I’m telling you.

Dr. Sherman: You know, if I didn’t know any better, ma’am, I’d think you’re making passes at me.

Thelma: You don’t have to think, I am making passes at you. Listen, Dr. Sherman. If you ever need a place to stay, you can come on over to my house. You don’t have to worry about sleeping on the couch, you can sleep with me…in my bedroom. Or if you don’t like that, we could always take it to the bathroom.

Laverne: Thelma, stop that! I’m sorry for my sister, Dr. Sherman.

Dr. Sherman: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s ok.

Candice: Dinner was ok, I suppose, but me and Van have to get going.

Van (eating): We do?

Candice: Yes, we do. Now, come on, Van.

Laverne: Hold on, Candice. Don’t go now. I haven’t told ya’ll what I wanted to tell ya’ll.

Lenny: Wait a minute. What is it that you wanted to tell us? And why is Dr. Sherman here?

Dr. Sherman: Are you ready to tell them, Miss Laverne?

Kristen: Tell us what?

Candice: I really don’t care about what mom has to tell us anymore, me and my husband have lives.

Kristen: What’s the rush, Candice? Are you too brainwashed and snooty to have supper with us?

Candice (angrily): Oh, shut the hell up, Kristen!

Kristen: No. How about you shut the hell up?

Van: Now, Candice, calm down.

Candice: Hush up, Van!

Raymond: You calm down too, Kristen.

Kristen: Hush up, Raymond! Candice, why are you so mean and hateful? What have I done to you? What has mama done to you? I’ve tried to make amends with you in the past, but now I realize that there is no making amends when it comes to you. You are just sick in the head.

Candice: Oh, please save your victim drivel.

Kristen: Oh, it’s no drivel. It’s the truth.

Candice: No, it’s your being jealous of me.

Kristen: Jealous?

*Kristen scoffs*

Kristen: I’m not jealous of you.

Candice: Oh, yes you are. I have everything that you don’t. I had the better grades in school, I had more friends, and now, I have a successful husband who happens to be a gynecologist while you have a lazy potbelly of a husband and disrespectful kids to match.

Kristen: You are always putting my way of life down. That makes you weak instead of the strong person you make yourself out to be.

Candice: Actually, it makes me strong, because I know that I am not petty and desperate and deranged like you.

Kristen: No, it makes you weak, because you think that you can use all of your accomplishments to make people feel bad while you leave all your little flaws behind.

Laverne: Now, girls, that’s enough out of both of you!

Thelma: No, Laverne. Hell no. Let those two hash it out so we can figure out what the hell’s going on with them.

Candice: There’s nothing going on with us. Kristen’s just jealous of me, it’s that simple.

Kristen: Oh, please. I’m not jealous of you, at all. What, am I supposed to bow down to you, Ms. Responsible Candice? Well, newsflash, sweetie: you are not all that responsible. You have made your fair share of mistakes. And besides, I’m not the one who got pregnant at 12 and had mama to raise my child.

Laverne: Kristen!

Kristen: Say something now, Queen Candice.

*Everyone remains silent*

Van (confused): Wait a minute. I’m confused. What is she talking about, Candice?

*Candice shakes her head*

Candice: You are simply repulsive.

Kristen: And you make me throw up.

Candice: I’m done with this family for tonight. Come on, Van. Let’s go.

*Candice gets up from the kitchen table*

Candice (angrily): I said let’s go, Van!

*Van quickly gets up from the kitchen table. All of a sudden, Candice’s cell phone rings*

Thelma: What’s that?

Raymond: It sounds like a phone ringing.

*Ernie hands Candice her cell phone from out of his pocket*

Laverne: Come on, Ernie!

Thelma: Ernie, what’s the matter with you?!

*Candice and Van quietly walk away from the kitchen table*

Laverne: Wait a minute, now! I need to talk to…Candice!

Kristen: Sorry, mama.

*Candice and Van leave the house*

Thelma: This just had to happen, Laverne. It had to. Don’t stress yourself out about it.

Sophia: How about we pray?

Thelma: Yeah. That’s a great idea.

Justin: My sister, Candice had a baby? Wow, that’s cool. I didn’t know that.

Thelma and Sophia (singing, in unison): Amazing grace, how sweet the sound! That saved a wretch
like me! I once was lost, but now I’m found!

Justin: Aunt Sophia, did you used to watch the baby?

Sophia: Yeah. I’m still watching the baby. Look, Justin. You need a joint. You really do.

Justin: Mama?

Laverne: Yes, honey?

Thelma and Sophia (singing, in unison): Was blind, but now I see! ‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear! And grace, my fears relieved! How precious did that grace appear! The hour I first believed!

Justin: Mama, did you used to watch Candice’s baby?

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Yes, sweetie.

Thelma and Sophia (singing, in unison): When we’ve been there ten thousand years! Bright shining as the sun! We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise! Than when we’ve first begun!

Justin: Where’s Candice’s baby? I mean, where is the little fella? Why wasn’t he invited to supper?

Kristen: Justin, maybe you should look in the mirror more.

*Everyone remains silent*

Justin (confused): What does that mean?

Laverne: Candice is your mother, Justin.

Justin (confused): What?

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Yes. Candice is your mother and I’m your grandmother. I know it’s hard to believe, but Candice isn’t your sister, she’s your mother.

Justin: Wow. I-I don’t know what to say. You always taught me not to tell lies and not to keep secrets, but you kept one from me, mama.

*Justin gets up from the kitchen table*

Justin: Excuse me, everyone.

*Justin runs off to the bathroom crying*

Laverne: Justin!

*Laverne gets up from the dinner table*

Laverne: Excuse me, ya’ll. Thelma, Dr. Sherman, ya’ll carry on. Everyone, just carry on.

*Laverne goes after Justin*

Thelma: That wasn’t the way to do that, Kristen.

Kristen: Justin had to find out sooner or later.

Thelma: It don’t matter. You shouldn’t have used that to take Candice down.

Lenny: Supper was great while it lasted, but me and Karen gotta get going. Come on, Karen.

*Lenny and Karen get up from the dinner table*

Sophia: Lenny, why don’t you stay? You know your mama wants you to stay.

Lenny: Nah, Aunt Sophia. I don’t feel like sticking around for more melodrama.

Karen: Bye, guys.

Thelma, Kristen, Raymond and Dr. Sherman (in unison): Bye.

*Lenny and Karen leave*

Dr. Sherman: Well, I guess I’m not needed anymore, so I’ll come back another time.

Thelma: You sure you wanna leave, Dr. Sherman?

*Dr. Sherman nods his head*

Dr. Sherman: Yes, I am.

*Dr. Sherman gets up from the dinner table*

Dr. Sherman: Good night, everyone.

*Dr Sherman leaves*

Ernie: Well, tonight was one eventful night.

Sophia: You can say that again!

Colleen: Mama, I wanna go home.

Kristen: In a minute, sweetie. Raymond, this girl wants to go home.

Raymond: I know, dear. We’ll leave out in just a second.

Kristen: No, we’ll leave out now.

Raymond: Kristen, you know that your mother-

Kristen: My mama isn’t in the room, is she?! Look, Raymond, this isn’t up for discussion. We aren’t spending the night here, so come on.

Thelma: Ernie, do you hear this?

*Ernie nods his head*

Ernie: Yeah.

Thelma: Sophia, do you hear this?

*Sophia nods her head*

Sophia: Yes, Thelma.

Thelma (talking to herself): Thelma, do you hear this?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: Yeah, Thelma. I do. Raymond, are you gonna let her talk to you like that?

Raymond: Well, what can I do? Kristen’s my wife.

Thelma: And you’re her husband. Act like it. Let me tell you something. You need to learn your place. You don’t let your wife punk you up, that’s humiliating and pathetic. A real man won’t let his wife treat him like that. You need to start standing up for yourself, you’re just weak. You’re a weak human being, and that’s sad to see. I’m telling ya’, the two of ya’ll going through something personal, and it’s deep. It’s deeper than simple and common arguments, it’s deeper than a cry, it’s deeper than a disagreement, it’s just deep, and that’s understandable. You guys are going through a rough patch in ya’ll’s marriage. I can tell. And that’s normal. That’s absolutely normal. I remember ya’ll was so in love when ya’ll first dated. Raymond, you were smart and intelligent and such a gentleman and Kristen was as pretty as ever. But now, things are different. All ya’ll wanna say is, “I hate you” and “You suck” and “Leave me alone”. I get it. Believe me, I get it. Lots of folks ya’ll’s ages are going through at least 5-20 years of marriage, their parents are dying, their grandparents are dying, their kids are growing up. It’s hard, but you have to get through all the pain. And hey, if ya’ll need to seek some help, that’s alright. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. But ya’ll need to work things out as soon as possible. It’s not healthy to just sit there and live and breathe in hate. That’s not good. So, with that being said, Raymond, you need to take your place. Stop being a henpecked punk. Stand up, and be a man, not a wimp. Get your balls outta Kristen’s purse. Ya’ll go in the living room. Raymond, Kristen, go in the living room and sort things out. Take it to the living room, now.

*Raymond and Kristen excuse themselves from the kitchen table and go into the living room*

Kristen: There is nothing to sort out. Stop being so damn sensitive and suck it up. End of discussion.

Raymond: No, Kristen. I believe your Aunt Thelma’s right. Something’s going on with us and we need to fix it. Kristen, you have got to stop being so mean to me for no reason.

Kristen: And you have got to stop being so weak and butthurt. You know, I can’t stand you sometimes, Raymond. There’s no need to clear anything up now, because-

*Raymond stomps his feet in anger*

Raymond (angrily): Oh, shut the hell up! Enough! You’ve got to stop telling me what to do! Now, I’ve had enough of you bossing me around and intimidating me constantly! I’m the man, and you’re the wife, so deal with it! You don’t know me! I might be an overweight white man, but I come from the hood, baby! Ya’ heard me? Now, go…sit down. Yeah, do that. Go sit your ass down! You heard me. Have a seat at the kitchen table!

Kristen (shocked, yet intimidated): Well, ok. You didn’t have to yell. We need to start having sex more.

Raymond: I know. I’m working on that.

*Kristen takes a seat at the kitchen table once more*

Raymond: But it’s gonna be a new day around here. Yes, siree. Alex, Colleen, get your butts in here before I help you get in here.

Thelma: Well, I sure am glad I’m here. I got everything straight.

Sophia: You sure did. You got everything straight.

Thelma: Yes, indeed. This is wonderful. It’s a miracle.

*The next morning, Connie and Alan are shown entering Thelma’s house and having a seat while Thelma’s sitting on the couch*

Connie: Well…have you thought about who could possibly be my father yet, mama?

*Thelma shakes her head*

Thelma: Like I said, honey, I don’t know who your daddy is. He could be roaming around to this day, and I wouldn’t know.

Alan: That’s a shame, Thelma. You know what you need to do?

Thelma: What?

Alan: Bow down your head.

Thelma: What do you mean bow down my head?

Alan: Bow down your head so you can pray about this whole thing.

Connie: That’s a great idea, Mr. Fallon.

*Connie and Alan bow their heads but Thelma obviously doesn’t*

Alan (praying): Let us pray. Lord, please forgive Thelma. It’s not her fault that she was a giant whore.

*Thelma rolls her eyes*

Alan (praying): Also, could you please see to it that they don’t get rid of the Egg McMuffins at McDonald’s? I’d appreciate it. Oh, and please, please, please, I hope that Connie turns out to be my daughter because she’s a wonderful woman and her cooking ain’t too bad, she just need to put a little more seasoning in her food. Anyways, I’m in dire need of an answer to my prayers, that’s all I’m asking for. So thanks in advance. Oh, before I finish-

Thelma: Fallon! Can you put the shut to the up?! Can you do that?!

*Alan sighs and eventually finishes praying*

Alan: Thelma, you just an ungrateful heathen. You oughta go to church more.

Thelma: Fallon, we went over this. I don’t go to church no more. They make way too much noise while I try to take a quick nap and they still haven’t put a smoking section up in there. Until they do that and stop all that damn noise, I ain’t going. The only time I go to church now is for weddings and funerals, weddings and funerals. Anyways, Connie, I didn’t tell you this before, but I used to think that you were biracial.

Connie (confused): Biracial? Why?

Thelma: Well, this might be hard to believe, but I was once in a relationship with Jimmie Walker, who played J.J. on Good Times.

Connie: Wait, what? You were in a relationship with the guy who played J.J.?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: Oh, yeah. I figure that Jimmie might’ve been your father because we was together right around the time I got pregnant.

Connie: So…Jimmie Walker could be my father?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: He could be. Oh, Connie, he was an excellent lover, and we had some…DYNOMITE nights together.

Connie (disgusted): Eww!

Alan (disgusted): Thelma, that’s just disgusting!

Thelma: Now, wait a minute, now. On second thought, Jimmie Walker might not be your father.

Connie: What a relief.

Thelma: That’s right. There’s a possibility that Bill Clinton could be your father.

Connie (confused): Bill Clinton?

*Thelma nods her head*

Thelma: Yeah. Me and Bill was together before Monica came along.

Alan: What?

Thelma: Yeah, we was. But of course Hillary was jealous of what me and Bill had, that mean old snake, so she had to break us up.

Connie: I don’t believe that.

Thelma: Well, you don’t have to believe it. But if you call Bill Clinton right now, I bet he’d talk about how me and him go way back.

Connie: Wait a minute. I have an idea. How about we get a blood test done so that we can get to the bottom of this?

Alan: I like that idea, Connie. I like it a lot.

Thelma: I like it too, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t know who your daddy is.

*In a montage, Laverne is shown sitting on the couch, coughing and shaking her head, tired and depressed, Leon is shown praying before going to bed, Sophia is shown sneaking a cigarette in the bathroom, Candice and Van are shown arguing, Lenny is shown talking with a friend in a dark alley when GiGi pulls up in her car and begins to argue with Lenny, Raymond and Kristen are shown kissing in their bedroom, Connie and Alan are shown arguing with Thelma and Connie is later shown crying while on the phone, Lenny is shown getting arrested, and Laverne is shown falling down the stairs and being rushed to the hospital. At the hospital, Thelma, Connie, Sophia, Kristen, Raymond, Alex, Colleen, Leon, Van, Ernie, Justin, Lenny and Karen are shown in a hospital room while Laverne is laying in the hospital bed*

Kristen: Mama, what happened?

Laverne: What do you mean what happened?

Kristen: Why are you here? What happened?

Laverne: I’m sick, Kristen. I’m real sick.

Lenny: Well, we just have to pray that God heals you.

Laverne: That prayer ain’t gonna get no higher than the ceiling.

Lenny: What do you mean by that?

Laverne: When God heals me, I won’t be here anymore.

Kristen: How can you be so sure?

Laverne: I just know, Kristen. I don’t want to know, but I do.

Lenny: Listen, mama. I prayed all the way over here. I told God that if you would just get better then I’ll do right. You just have to get better, mama. I know you will, you birthed me.

Laverne: I’m not gonna get any better, Lenny.

Lenny: Yes, you will.

*Laverne shakes her head*

Laverne: No, I won’t. I’m dying.

Kristen: What do you mean you’re dying?

Laverne: Like I said, sweetie, I’m sick.

Kristen: How are you sick?

Laverne: I have cancer.

Kristen: What?

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Yeah. My cancer’s back. I only told your Aunt Sophia, though. I wanted to tell the rest of ya’ll over supper the other week, but…things didn’t go as planned, obviously.

Kristen: Oh, mama. I-I’m so sorry.

Laverne: Don’t be sorry, sweetie. Don’t do that.

Leon: Is that why you wanted all of us to have supper together? You wanted to tell us that you have cancer?

*Laverne nods her head*

Laverne: Yeah.

Raymond: That explains why Dr. Sherman was there.

Laverne: Look, where’s Candice? I’m waiting for her.

Van: I called Candice a few minutes ago. She should be on her way.

Laverne: Well, I can’t wait much longer. If I die by the time she gets here, just tell her that I love her. I love all of ya’ll.

Kristen: Don’t talk like that, mama.

Laverne: I have to talk like that, Kristen. Look, death is a part of life, and if you live it loving as strong as you can, that kind of love, real love, and receiving real love, then you will have lived a full life. So don’t forget the simple things I’ve taught you. I-I’m just…tired. I’m real tried. Heaven waits for me, I guess.

*Laverne sighs*

Laverne: I’ve fought the good fight. Now it’s time for me to rest in peace. Goodbye, ya’ll. Make me proud.

*Laverne slowly closes her eyes and passes away*

Sophia: Laverne?

Thelma: Laverne?

*A few minutes later, Candice is shown approaching Van while on the phone in the hospital lobby while Connie, Sophia, and Thelma can be shown talking*

Candice (on the phone): Oh, don’t worry about my mother. I’m sure she’s fine. But look, I’ve made it to the hospital, so I have to talk to you later. Alright. Bye bye.

*Candice hangs up*

Van: I called you.

Candice: I realize that. I answered your call.

Van: Well, you should’ve been here already.

Candice: Look, Van. You only married into the family, so my mom is not related to you. This isn’t your family. Speaking of my mom, where is she?

Van: She’s in room 208.

*Candice walks off before being stopped by Van*

Van: Before you go in there, I want you to know something.

Candice: What?

Van: Your mother died, Candice.

Candice: Huh?

*Van nods his head*

Van: Yeah. She died a little over three minutes ago.

*Candice shakes her head in disbelief*

Candice: I don’t believe you.

Van: It’s the truth, Candice. She’s gone.

Candice: Are you messing with me?

Van: Believe me, darling. I don’t ever want to mess with you.

*Candice walks off and goes into the hospital room where Kristen, Raymond, Alex, Colleen, Justin, Lenny and Karen can be shown. Candice immediately rushes to the hospital bed where she sees her deceased mother*

Candice: Mama? Mama, can you hear me?

Kristen: She’s gone, Candice.

Candice (emotionally): No, she isn’t! Mama, wake up. I know you’re still with us. I said wake up, damnit!

Lenny: Cussing at her isn’t gonna bring her back to life.

Candice (emotionally): Mama? Mama?! I said wake up, mama!

*Candice bursts into tears*

Candice (emotionally): Mama, wake up, because you can’t be gone! Mama! Mama, no! I love you! Don’t leave me, mama! Don’t leave me! I need you!

*After the funeral, everyone’s shown at Laverne’s house. Thelma, Sophia, Connie, and Alan are shown talking in the kitchen*

Alan: The service was lovely.

Connie: I’ll say.

Sophia: Thelma, I appreciate you trying to get your family together, even if it was too late.

Thelma: You’re welcome. So much for that.

*Thelma walks off and heads to the living room. On the way, she stops and looks at Van and Candice*

Van: Candice, are you ok?

Candice: I’m fine.

Van: Are you sure? I mean, your mother just died.

Candice (angrily): Van, how many times are we gonna go over this? I’m ok, I’m fine. I’ve said that a thousand times already. Leave me alone!

*Thelma shakes her head and walks past the two. She then stops and looks at Lenny, Karen, and GiGi arguing before finally entering the living room where Alex and Colleen are sitting on the couch*

GiGi (loudly, in the other room): Lenny, how are you gonna let your little whore disrespect me like that?!

Karen (in the other room): Who are you calling a whore?

GiGi (loudly, in the other room): You, whore.

Karen (in the other room): If you call me a whore one more time-

GiGi (loudly, in the other room): What are you gonna do?! I wanna see you jump! Jump, frog! Jump!

Karen (in the other room): Get her, Lenny. I can’t take any more.

Lenny (in the other room): Look, GiGi. My mother just died. I don’t need all of this from you.

GiGi (loudly, in the other room): Well, you’re gonna get all of this from me, Lennnnnyyyyyyyy!

Thelma (irritated): Hey! Shut the hell up in there, girl, sounding like a damn siren! That is it! Everybody in here, now!

*Seconds later, the rest of the family arrives in the living room and has a seat*

Thelma: Listen up. I am sick and tired of seeing fights and arguing and people sticking the middle finger. I’m sick of it. Now, look here. My sister, Laverne was a peaceful woman. She wouldn’t want all this foolishness. She tried the best she could with ya’ll, but ya’ll are out of line. So let me get you in line. First off, GiGi, Bella, or whatever the hell your name is.

*GiGi rolls her eyes*

Thelma: Stop using your baby as an excuse to make Lenny’s life miserable.

Lenny: What she said.

Thelma: What? I don’t think I heard that. What you say? ‘Cause I didn’t ask for no amen from you. I will slap the hell outta you in a heartbeat. Don’t try it. Now anyways, GiGi, my nephew doesn’t want you. He has made that clear, so move on and stop being a trashy busybody. You can’t look at other things because you got your eyes set on what Lenny and his girlfriend are doing. Stop that now, because guess what? Your child will grow up and start resenting you for what you’re doing. Your baby is not some new toy, so cut it out. And let me tell you something, if I see you messing with Lenny and Karen again, I’m gonna beat you down, do you understand me? You don’t know me well enough. I will punch the sense into you.

*GiGi has an embarrassed look on her face*

Thelma: Now, Lenny, you been selling that dope again, huh?

Lenny: What?

Thelma: Oh, yeah. Your Aunt Sophia told me all about it. What I can’t seem to understand is how you giving Karen the world but you can’t cough up nothing for the mother of your child. You can’t even give GiGi $20 for some pampers. What the hell is wrong with you, Lenny? A man is supposed to take care of his baby without anybody telling him that he needs to take care of his baby. A good, decent man, that is. Get a job, young man. Go to work. I just don’t get it. It seems like something happens with people born around the 1990s. Ya’ll feel as if ya’ll don’t have to work for anything, yet you want someone to hand you something. I just don’t get it. That dope is only gonna lead you to one or two places: to the grave or to prison. And I know you don’t want neither of them. Besides, as soon as you go down, your great girlfriend’s gonna be sold to the highest bidder. All she’s looking for is some money. It’s obvious.

Karen: What?

Thelma: You heard me. All you are looking for is some money. Now say something else. I dare you to. I double-d dare you to say something else! Now, Lenny, GiGi, one of ya’ll better be F. Lee Bailey and the other better be Johnny Cochran. I wanna see a settlement. I wanna know who’s gonna have the baby, who’s gonna pick him up, who’s gonna bring the pampers, when is the child support gonna be brought, when is the money coming, and everything else. Just write it down. Now, anyways, my sister did not want ya’ll to know this-

Sophia: Thelma.

Thelma: No, Sophia. It’s time. Like I was saying, my sister did not want ya’ll to know this, since she wanted to keep this little fact hidden from ya’ll, but I’m gonna go out and reveal the truth. Van, the reason your wife, Candice is so mean and mad and nasty is because she was raped by her uncle when she was 11 years old. Now, that’s not good at all, but it’s also not good to keep things all covered up and bottled up inside. That doesn’t help anybody. I can’t stand it when someone tries to deny something or keep something to the side. Listen up, Candice. If something is hurting you bad enough and tearing you up in your adult life, you need to get some help. Go get some help. It’s alright to need help. You sitting here, mad at the world and all bitter and angry and self-loathing, when you have a loving husband who loves you and genuinely cares about you, but you treat him like crap. Let me tell you something, you’re always so rude and grouchy and uptight, and that’s because you haven’t truly forgiven the man who raped you.

Candice (emotionally): How am I supposed to forgive the man who had sex with me without my consent?! Huh?!

Thelma: See, that’s where a lot of people get confused. Sweetie, I’m not telling you to forgive the man who raped you because you’re a nice person, I’m telling you to forgive him for your sake. If you don’t, they take power over you, you understand? And things are only gonna get worse if you don’t forgive those kind of people.

Candice (emotionally): Hmm, well it’s kind of hard to forgive the man who gave me slow Justin.

Thelma: Don’t do that. How are you gonna call your own son slow?

Candice (emotionally): He was a mistake!

Thelma: He was a surprise, that’s what he was. Now, I hope what I said rubbed off on you, but in the meantime, go talk to your husband. Go have a nice chat with Van in another room. Go on.

*Candice and Van get up and go upstairs to talk*

Thelma: Case dismissed. The rest of ya’ll can go about ya’ll’s day.

*Everyone else but Connie and Alan leave the room*

Connie: Very nice, mama.

Thelma: I know.

Connie: I find it interesting that you can manage to get this family together but you don’t even know who my father is.

Alan: Yeah.

*Connie and Alan leave the room*

Thelma: Connie, wait!

*Candice and Van are shown entering a room upstairs*

Van: You were raped by your uncle when you were only 11?

*Candice nods her head*

Candice (emotionally): Yeah.

Van: That explains why you didn’t want to have children. Why didn’t you tell me about this before?

*Candice shrugs her shoulders*

Candice (emotionally): It’s kind of hard to tell someone about it when I’m the only one that experienced it.

Van: Oh, Candice. I love you, I would never hurt you. You could’ve confided in me.

*Candice nods her head*

Candice (emotionally): I know.

Van: But you didn’t. Look, you don’t have to go through this alone. You can get help, you can talk this out with me, you can do whatever.

*Candice bursts into tears*

Van: Just let me love you. Let me help you.

*Van hugs Candice and kisses her on the forehead. Lenny and Karen are then shown in another room*

Lenny: I’m done.

Karen: What do you mean you’re done?

Lenny: I’m done with you.

Karen: What?

*Lenny nods his head*

Lenny: Yeah. I can see it all now. I’m done with you, and I’m not selling any dope anymore.

Karen: Are you really gonna let that gullible grandma get to you? We need the money, I need the money.

Lenny: You’re so selfish. I just buried my mama today, and all you care about is yourself. Well, guess what? I’m not caring about you any longer. In fact, you can go to hell. Do that and get out.

*Karen slowly nods her head*

Karen: Ok. I will get out. But just know that you are a pathetic, weak excuse for a man. I was better off with Josh.

*Karen leaves out of the room*

Lenny (under his breath): And I was better off without you.

*Back at Alan Fallon’s house, Connie is sitting on the couch when Alan walks in with the DNA test results*

Alan: The results from the DNA test are in.

*Connie gets up*

Connie: Good. Are you my father?

Alan: I don’t know. See for yourself.

*Alan hands Connie the DNA test results. Connie opens it and reads it*

Connie (relieved): Phew, you are my father!

Alan: Really?

*Connie nods her head*

Connie: Yeah. I’m so glad that I’m not the product of my mama and Willie.

Alan: Speaking of Thelma and Willie, I wonder where they’re at.

*Thelma and Willie are shown in the backseat of a Chevy on a deserted road when Willie’s cellphone rings. They are both obviously naked despite them not being seen that way. Willie answers the phone*

Willie (on the phone): Hello? Yeah, look, I can’t talk right now, I’ll get back to you later.


THE END

[Wawwie]

I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but the cast looks good. I love, love, love Terry Crews! I started crushing on him when he played "Julius" on Everybody Hates Chris. IMO, he's one of the best looking bald men.... very sexy body, too!

Isn't Billy Flynn the dude who plays "Chad" on Days of our Lives? He's a good actor. And I'm looking forward to read about my character, Kristen Higgins!

Will definitely get to this by the end of tonight.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but the cast looks good. I love, love, love Terry Crews! I started crushing on him when he played "Julius" on Everybody Hates Chris. IMO, he's one of the best looking bald men.... very sexy body, too!

Isn't Billy Flynn the dude who plays "Chad" on Days of our Lives? He's a good actor. And I'm looking forward to read about my character, Kristen Higgins!

Will definitely get to this by the end of tonight.

Yes, Billy Flynn does play Chad on DAYS. But his character, Lenny probably won’t be your favorite. But you’ll see.

[Wawwie]

LOL @ tall unknown actor in drag playing the role of "Thelma." Now I'm picturing RuPaul. But RuPaul is too good looking to be Thelma, right?
Looks like Connie is gonna have to get a paternity test done thanks to her mama being a dumb tramp!

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

LOL @ tall unknown actor in drag playing the role of "Thelma." Now I'm picturing RuPaul. But RuPaul is too good looking to be Thelma, right?
Looks like Connie is gonna have to get a paternity test done thanks to her mama being a dumb tramp!

Nah, it wouldn’t be RuPaul. It’d be more upon the lines of a manly heterosexual white man in a dress, a gray wig, makeup, glasses, and lipstick. Think of Mrs. Doubtfire, in a sense.

What did you think about Sophia checking out Dr. Sherman? LOL.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

What did you think about Sophia checking out Dr. Sherman? LOL.

Sophia is a dirty ol' bird, huh? LOL. Dr. Sherman seems very nice, caring and comforting. Plus, Terry Crews is playing "Dr. Sherman" so also add HOT to the list. He's already my favorite character. Sophia is very nervy and outspoken. If I was Dr. Sherman's patient, I'd keep my lusty feelings to myself. LOL.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Nah, it wouldn’t be RuPaul. It’d be more upon the lines of a manly heterosexual white man in a dress, a gray wig, makeup, glasses, and lipstick. Think of Mrs. Doubtfire, in a sense.

Now you've got me thinking Norman Bates!

OK, I'll picture her more of a cross between Norman and Mrs. Doubtfire which will be sorta hard to do since Norman was skinny and Doubtfire was kinda chunky (robust)

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Sophia is a dirty ol' bird, huh? LOL. Dr. Sherman seems very nice, caring and comforting. Plus, Terry Crews is playing "Dr. Sherman" so also add HOT to the list. He's already my favorite character. Sophia is very nervy and outspoken. If I was Dr. Sherman's patient, I'd keep my lusty feelings to myself. LOL.

Speaking of, what do you think about Laverne and the cancer story so far? Things get way deeper later on in the project, by the way, but what do you think will happen?

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Speaking of, what do you think about Laverne and the cancer story so far? Things get way deeper later on in the project, by the way, but what do you think will happen?

It seems like Laverne has been a great source of support and comfort for Sophia over the past 5 years dealing with the cancer. So far Sophia seems to be handling it well that her cancer has returned and she only has weeks to live. I'm guessing that this news hasn't really had a chance to hit her yet. It will be interesting to learn how Sophia handles everything once she has had time to process the reality of the situation.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

It seems like Laverne has been a great source of support and comfort for Sophia over the past 5 years dealing with the cancer. So far Sophia seems to be handling it well that her cancer has returned and she only has weeks to live. I'm guessing that this news hasn't really had a chance to hit her yet. It will be interesting to learn how Sophia handles everything once she has had time to process the reality of the situation.

Sophia, the same woman that thinks that poor Leon’s social anxiety is “shyness”.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Sophia, the same woman that thinks that poor Leon’s social anxiety is “shyness”.

"Poor Leon" has a lot of problems.

Thelma is so gross to be talking about spreading her legs on prom night. Gross!

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

"Poor Leon" has a lot of problems.

I know, right? But I believe that Leon’s anxiety will play a major part in this project as well.

Please check in tomorrow if you can, to see how things progress.

[stevea]

Leon sure is in the kitchen a lot!

In the last scene he was in he went back in the kitchen, then Thelma tells him he looks gawd awful, and he starts crying but he didn't even come back in the room. Just being the producer, he'd probably point that out!

(yeah, he does have a lot of problems!)

Waiting to see if Candice and the others show up.

Oh, editing to add--despite the sad news near the beginning, there's a lot of good comedy here! I LOL'd several times!

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by stevea

Leon sure is in the kitchen a lot!

In the last scene he was in he went back in the kitchen, then Thelma tells him he looks gawd awful, and he starts crying but he didn't even come back in the room. Just being the producer, he'd probably point that out!

(yeah, he does have a lot of problems!)

Waiting to see if Candice and the others show up.

Oh, editing to add--despite the sad news near the beginning, there's a lot of good comedy here! I LOL'd several times!

What do you think of the paternity story in here with Thelma/Connie/Alan/Willie so far?

[stevea]

Great story line. Thelma admits she was a slut and she doesn't know who Connie's father is.

Oh I went up and looked again--really liked the King Kong Beauty line. You gotta know WWF to get that one.