Livin’ The Life - Season 1 Episode 4: Trouble In Paradise

[TVLegend]

Guest Stars:

Eden Riegel as Heather The Waitress


Scene 1 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Morning

*The doorbell rings and Vera is shown answering the door, to surprisingly find Heather there, holding a paper cup of coffee in her hand*

Heather: Hi! I’m looking for a Michael Parker.

Vera: Are you sure?

Heather: Positive.

Vera: Okay. But all you lookin’ for is a miserable little dummy.

Vera: Michael! Somebody wants you!

Heather: Oh, believe me. I don’t want him. Apparently, he wanted me.

*Michael enters the room and approaches Heather at the door, surprised to see her. Once he does, Vera retires to the living room*

Michael (surprised): Ain’t you-

Heather: That waitress from the other night. Why, yes I am.

Michael: Well, what you doin’ here?

Heather: Believe it or not, a nice lady named Claretha asked me how I was doing after my encounter with you and then she told me where you lived in case I ever wanted to show my face to you.

Michael (excited): It’s good that you decided to show yo’ face, ‘cause I really like what I see.

Heather: Great! Well, you just mind your manners, and I’ll show you more. See, I’m not wearing any underwear…or a bra.

*Michael bites his finger*

Michael (excited): Damn!

Heather: I knew I could never let you down.

Michael: Hol’ on. Hol’ on, Heather. On second thought, I can’t do this. This is just wrong.

Heather: Why not? What’s wrong? I’m all woman.

Michael: I can see that. Unfortunately, I’m in a relationship.

Heather: Well, that’s quite alright. Taken men are my favorite anyway. Oh, I so want to have your child.

Michael (excited): That kinda’ turns me on, so let’s go in my room and make dreams come true. Let’s make that Oreo.

Heather: Hold on, honey! What’s the rush? Besides, if that turns you on so much, then this will.

*Heather splashes the cup of hot coffee in Michael’s face and he falls on the floor in shock*

Michael: Ah!

Heather: Maybe that’ll teach you that I am not to be toyed with, baby boo.

*Heather leaves the apartment and closes the door behind her*

Michael: Ah, damnit! Damnity, damn, damn! Vera, hurry up! Go and call da’ police!

*Vera picks up a pot of coffee and pours it on Michael’s face before leaving the room laughing*

CUT TO: Opening Credits


Scene 2 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Evening

*Vera is sitting in one of the armchairs while Michael is sitting on the couch, with a towel on his head. They are both watching TV*

Michael: I still can’t believe you did that.

*Vera sucks her teeth in aggravation*

Vera (aggravated): Oh, will you shut da’ hell up ‘bout that?! That was nothin’, child. Didn’t you say you had trouble sleepin’?

Michael: Yeah. What that gotta’ do with anything?

Vera: You lucky I didn’t hit you on da’ head with that pot and put yo’ ass to sleep.

*Seconds later, the doorbell rings*

Michael: Go answer that.

Vera: Watch out. It might be ya’ favorite waitress again.

*Vera opens the door to find Dan Masterson, one of Michael’s friends standing there, with a suitcase in his hand*

Vera: What do you want?

Dan: I want to come in.

Vera: Michael, Dan Masterson’s here.

Michael (sarcastically): Oh, willy gee gosh! Really? I’ve always been a fan of That 70’s Show.

Dan (sarcastically): Very funny.

Michael: Come on on.

*Dan enters the apartment to find Michael sitting on the couch and approaches him there*

Dan (nervously): Hi there, buddy!

Michael (confused): Hey. What da’ hell you doin’ here?! Don’t you have a family, and somewhat of a life?

Dan (nervously): Yeah, I do. But you can’t take just a little support from your best friend after you just lost your job?

Michael: First of all, you ain’t my best friend. We ain’t even cool all that much. I mean, we ‘aight, but we sure as hell ain’t best friends. Second of all, you givin’ me support with a damn suitcase in ya’ hand?

Dan (nervously): Uh, umm, actually, I’m goin’ on a business trip.

Michael (confused): For what? You ain’t got no job, Dan.

Dan (nervously): Yeah, yeah. I know. About that. Umm…I’m plannin’ on gettin’ a job. So one of them fancy, head honcho people told me to go on a business trip.

Michael: Oh, really?

Dan (nervously): Yeah. For…the…job.

*Dan nervously nods his head*

Vera: He lyin’ his ass off.

Dan (nervously): No, no, no. I ain’t. Who said I was lyin’? Because I’m not lyin’. Not at all.

Michael: Oh, I get it. You think you slick, huh, Mr. Masterson? I know what you up to.

Dan (nervously): Y-You do?

*Michael nods his head*

Michael: Yeah. You been cheatin’ on ya’ wife, Meredith with one of them skinny, young strippers from that strip club ya’ like to go to, huh?

*Dan quickly shakes his head*

Dan (nervously): Oh, no.

Michael: Yeah, I think that’s what’s goin’ on. And you must think I’m gon’ tell ya’ wife ‘bout yo’ affair. But don’t worry ‘bout me. Yo’ secret’s safe, man.

Dan (nervously): No, no. That’s not it.

Michael: Then why are you here?

Dan (nervously): Okay, alright. Fine. I’ll tell ya’ why. Umm, I don’t know how to say this, but…Meredith threw me out of the house and I need somewhere to stay for the moment.

Michael: Okay. What that gotta’ do with me?

Dan (nervously): Well, buddy. I was hopin’ that you’d let me stay, umm…here.

*Dan quickly turns his head and bites his finger*

Michael: Wow. Just, wow.

*Michael hurries into the kitchen, grabs a large punch bowl, and slams it on the floor*

Michael: Damn! Damn! Damn!

*Michael bursts into tears*

Vera (talking to Dan): Run while you can. We ‘bout to get somethin’ on us.

CUT TO: Scene 3


Scene 3 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Dining Room - Morning

*Michael and Dan are shown seated at the table, finishing their breakfast*

Dan: More please!

*Dan loudly belches, and Michael reacts by fanning his nose*

Michael (disgusted): Damn, man! I can smell that from here! I can’t tell if you burped or farted out garbage! Calm yo’ ass down! Ain’t you gon’ at least say excuse me?!

Dan: Well, excuse me.

*Vera enters the room*

Vera: We ain’t got no mo’ food. At least not for you. I can’t believe it. His big ass don’ ate 3 omelets, 4 pancakes, 7 pieces of bacon, 4 pieces of sausage, and 2 big bags of Doritos.

Dan: Sorry, I’m just upset and a little shaken up.

Michael: So you think eatin’ yo’ way through my apartment gon’ solve yo’ problems?

Vera: Ya’ll hush up. My favorite show comin’ on: Darryl Jobs.

*Vera walks into the living room, where she falls on the couch, and turns the TV on to Darryl Jobs*

Dan: You like that show? I find it outdated, sexist, ignorant, and just a waste of time.

Vera: I don’t care that much ‘bout da’ show really, I just like to see Darryl Jobs fine self in a six piece suit.

*Michael crosses over to the living room as well and sits in one of the armchairs*

Michael: Suit yourself, but I think that Darryl Jobs is da’ man, and not because he might look decent. Don’t he got a special today ‘bout women who give birth to babies in a shed?

*Vera nods her head*

Vera: Shh! He’s ‘bout to sing da’ theme song called, “All Females Are Fools.”

Michael: If only they had more men like him.

Vera: That would only mean ‘dat there would be someone else out there just as unintelligent as you.

*Michal sucks his teeth in aggravation*

Dan: Hey, I notice that his name’s Darryl Jobs. Could he be related to the late Steve Jobs?

*Dan bursts into laughter, but quickly stops after he notices Michael and Vera staring at him in silence*

Dan: Just a little homeless humor.

CUT TO: Scene 4


Scene 4 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Afternoon

*Dan is shown sitting on the couch, watching TV when Michael walks in*

Michael: Hey, Dan.

Dan: Hey there, Michael.

*Michael takes a gander at the TV*

Michael (curious): What you watchin’?

Dan: A rerun of Wobbly Women: The Pros and Cons of Females Who Wrassle in Food.

Michael (disgusted): Ugh! This show is nasty! Why in the hell would you like to see a bunch of skinny, young things get all dirty like that?!

*Michael takes a seat in one of the armchairs, with his eyes glued to the TV*

Dan: You missed the best part. They were interviewin’ Hattie LaMelt, The Godmother of Spaghetti.

Michael: Wait a minute. This look like a recent episode.

Dan: It is. It aired just last night.

Michael: Damnit! I shoulda’ recorded it. Oh, well. Maybe some lunch will make me feel better.

Dan: Uh, about that-

Michael: Vera, is the lunch done?!

*Vera enters the room*

Vera: They ain’t got no lunch. Ya’ good buddy, Dan ova’ there ate all da’ food as soon as I finished cookin’.

*Vera goes back into the kitchen*

Michael: What?! What did she just say?!

Dan: Now, Michael. Before you get upset-

Michael (angrily): What da’ hell is wrong with you, man?! This is my apartment, not McDonald’s! Why couldn’t you ask me if you could eat up all my lunch?! I still woulda’ told yo’ ass no, but still! What I’m supposed to eat now?! Uh-uh. That is it.

*Michael takes a seat beside Dan on the couch*

Michael: You gotta’ go. Go on back to yo’ house.

Dan: But, Michael. I can’t! Meredith threw me out.

Michael: Exactly. That’s da’ first mistake you made. You don’t let yo’ wife who happens to be yo’ woman throw you out, okay? You don’t let no girlie-girl throw you out. You gotta’ claim what’s yours. You gotta’ say, “Hey, baby, this is bull. You ain’t ‘bout to throw me outta’ my own damn house. Like that make some sense. This is my domain. Ya’ heard me? I’m da’ man of this house.” Say it.

Dan (awkwardly): Umm…hey, honey, this is donkey. You’re not about to throw me outta’ my own darn outhouse. Like it makes some nonsense. This is my dominos. Ya’ didn’t heard me? I’m da’ fan of this outhouse.

Michael: I mean, you almost there. You just need to practice more, but you’ll be there sooner or later. So, with ‘dat bein’ said, you now got enough balls to show yo’ wife who’s boss.

Dan (confused): I do?

Michael: Yeah, man. Go on. Get up and go to yo’ house, so you can give yo’ wife a taste of her own medicine.

Dan: You know what, Michael? You’re right. I’ll do that.

Michael: Now that’s da’ Dan I know. You’ll feel better ‘bout ya’ self anyways once you do that.

*Dan gets from off the couch and heads to the door*

Dan: Thank you, Michael.

*Dan leaves the apartment*

Michael (under his breath): You welcome.

CUT TO: Scene 5


Scene 5 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Later On

*Michael is standing next to the couch, while Arnie is sitting on it*

Arnie: Ya’ know, I hope that Dan and Meredith are able to kiss and make up.

Michael: Yeah, me too. But I’m tryin’ to get my mind off of that, and think ‘bout other things.

Arnie: I’m trying to think about other things myself. Like me being in a massage parlor, and you being the masseur.

Michael: There’s lots of things I could say ‘bout that that I just don’t wanna say. Ya’ know what I’m thinkin’ ‘bout right now?

Arnie: What?

Michael: That I usta’ be so pissed off that it took ‘em 14 years to get all 5 seasons of The Wayans Bros. out on DVD. But now I got ‘em all.

Arnie: Wow.

Michael: I think my favorite episode is da’ one where Shawn dreams he part of The Evans Family from Good Times.

Arnie: Well, that sounds like a pretty good episode.

Michael: It was.

Arnie: Hmm. Why don’t we sit down and watch that one…

*Arnie pats on the couch*

Arnie: Together?

Michael: Umm…maybe later, Arnie. A lot later.

*Arnie gets from off the couch*

Arnie: Okay. But I’ll have to remember to write it down in my “Ways To Woo Michael” Journal.

Michael: Do that and I’ll end up havin’ to write in my “Ways To Poison Arnie” Journal.

*Arnie leaves out of the apartment. Seconds later, Dan enters*

Michael: So, how did it go?

Dan: Not well. She threw me out.

Michael: Well, duh, I know that. That’s why you here now.

Dan: You don’t understand. This time she told me to never come back.

CUT TO: Scene 6


Scene 6 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Evening

*Vera is sitting in one of the armchairs while Michael is sitting on the couch*

Michael: I don’t get why Meredith told Dan to never go back to his own home.

Vera: Well, maybe it’s ‘cause you told him to make a ass of himself.

Michael: I did not. I told him to make a ass outta’ me. Wait, that’s not right.

Vera: Michael, you need to learn to mind yo’ own business and stop messin’ with a married couple.

Michael: Whateva’.

*The doorbell rings*

Michael: Don’t worry ‘bout that. I’ll get it.

*Michael gets up and answers the door. At the door when he answers it is Meredith*

Meredith: Hi, Michael. I would like to talk to my husband.

*Dan enters the room after hearing Meredith’s voice and is rather surprised to see her*

Dan: Meredith?

Meredith: Yeah, it’s me. Is it okay if I come in, Michael?

Michael: Of course.

*Meredith enters the apartment and approaches Dan*

Meredith: What on earth were you thinking by coming to the house and talking to me like I’m some red headed stepchild? What, did you think I was going to let you back in after all that?

Dan: But, baby-

Meredith: No buts, Dan. That was very awful and just plain rude. And then you have the audacity to do that after I’m the one who threw you out.

Dan: It’s not my fault! See, Michael told me to say all of that.

*Meredith turns and looks at Michael*

Michael: Oh, no! Don’t you put da’ blame on me!

Meredith: Why not? You’re the one who helped ruin my marriage. Oh, I just knew that were a bad influence on Dan.

Michael: Now, hold on, Snow White. You not about to disrespect me up in my apartment, ‘cause I can throw you out anytime.

Meredith: The point is, Dan, what you did was crude, disgusting, and just simply unforgivable.

Michael: Hold on. What did he do that was so bad?

Meredith: He farted in front of my mother without saying excuse me.

Michael: What?!

*Meredith nods her head*

Meredith: Yep.

Michael: So you mean to tell me that that’s what this is all about?

Dan: It sure is.

Michael: Dan, man, say excuse me next time. Okay? Have manners. ‘Cause that’s just nasty. And you, Meredith, you oughta’ know better than to throw yo’ husband out just ‘cause he passed gas. You oughta’ throw him out for goin’ to them strip clubs behind ya’ back.

Meredith (confused): What?

Michael: Nothin’. The point is, this is just stupid.

Vera: Negro, please. Didn’t you get assaulted by yo’ waitress earlier?

Michael: I don’t care to discuss that, Scary J. Blige. Just everybody out. Out! Dan, Meredith, move on up out here.

Dan: But what about my suitcase?

Michael: I don’t give a damn. You’ll get it another time. Just leave.

*Dan and Meredith leave the apartment. Soon after, Vera heads into the kitchen*

Michael: Finally. Some peace and quiet.

*Seconds later, Arnie randomly enters the apartment from the balcony*

Arnie: Well, I’m glad they patched things up.

Michael (angrily): Will you get da’ hell out?!

Arnie: Bye, bye.

*Arnie runs out of the apartment*


CLOSING CREDITS…

THE END

[Wawwie]

LOL @ Meredith throwing Dan out because he farted! And good for Claretha telling Heather how to get a hold of Michael.

BTW, I vaguely remember the Good Times episode of Wayans Bros. I have a vague memory of one of them acting like Michael Evans and it was spot on and hysterical! It was so many years ago so I think my vague memory is correct.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

LOL @ Meredith throwing Dan out because he farted! And good for Claretha telling Heather how to get a hold of Michael.

I knew you’d like that little part with Michael/Heather at the beginning. Poor Michael really fell for it. I assume you LOL’d a bit when Vera poured some coffee on Michael as well.

Originally Posted by Wawwie

BTW, I vaguely remember the Good Times episode of Wayans Bros. I have a vague memory of one of them acting like Michael Evans and it was spot on and hysterical! It was so many years ago so I think my vague memory is correct.

I remember the Good Times parody on Wayans Bros. very well. John Witherspoon as James was hilarious.

Personally, my favorite parts are when Arnie randomly enters the apartment from the balcony, annoying the hell out of Michael, when Michael smashed the punch bowl and pulled a “Florida Evans” with “Damn, Damn, Damn!”, and when Dan tried repeating Michael.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

I knew you’d like that little part with Michael/Heather at the beginning. Poor Michael really fell for it. I assume you LOL’d a bit when Vera poured some coffee on Michael as well.

That was great and yes, Vera always makes me LOL! I LOL'ed big time when Dan was burping at the breakfast table while Michael was fanning away his stank!

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

I LOL'ed big time when Dan was burping at the breakfast table while Michael was fanning away his stank!

Poor Michael, he has to witness Dan’s loud burps and then miss the Hattie LaMelt interview.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Poor Michael, he has to witness Dan’s loud burps and then miss the Hattie LaMelt interview.

At least he hasn't had to deal with Dan's farts!

[TVLegend]

I think that Episode 5 might be a Helen-centered episode.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

I think that Episode 5 might be a Helen-centered episode.

The mom is a hoot!