Livin’ The Life - Season 1 Episode 3: Michael Gets A Job

[TVLegend]

Guest Stars:

Carol Burnett as Eunice Higgins
Vicki Lawrence as Thelma “Mama” Harper
Bern Nadette Stanis as Female Customer #2
Stephen Colbert as Mr. McCary
Eden Riegel as Heather The Waitress


Scene 1 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Afternoon

*Vera is sitting on the couch, watching TV, when Michael rushes into the apartment*

Michael (happily): Vera, guess what?!

*Vera turns and looks at Michael*

Vera (curious): What?

Michael (happily): I got a job!

Vera: Sh*t. Then I am a monkey.

Michael (confused): What?

Vera: Remember when I told you a couple of months back that if you got a job then I would be a monkey?

Michael: Yeah. But this a high-payin’ job I got. It’s up there with cardiologists, surgeons, and all them other white people jobs. Vera, I’m gon’ be workin’ at Irving’s Shoe Store as a shoe salesman.

*Vera looks at Michael in confusion and shakes her head*

Vera: A shoe salesman?

*Michael nods his head*

Vera: Michael, you gon’ be shoein’ the shoeless. You could work for free, it wouldn’t make no difference. And how many shoeless people do you know?

Michael: I knew you’d say somethin’ negative.

Vera: Yeah, ‘cause you crazy as hell. Michael, if you gon’ be a broke ass George Jefferson, the least you can do is know that the theme song was called Movin’ On Up, not Movin’ On Down.

Michael: Speakin’ of The Jeffersons, Vera, you really startin’ to look like Lionel, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout facial hair.

CUT TO: Opening Credits


Scene 2 - Int. Irving’s Shoe Store - Storefront - Morning

*Michael is shown outside, looking through the window of Irving’s Shoe Store*

Mr. McCary (O.S., in the break room): Come in!

*Michael enters the shoe store, unaware that his boss, Mr. McCary is in the break room*

Michael: Hello?! Hello?! Is anybody here?!

*Michael takes a seat in one of the store chairs*

Michael (under his breath): I guess nobody here. That’s strange.

*A few seconds later, Mr. McCary enters the room, embarrassingly startling Michael*

Mr. McCary: I’m right here, Mr. Parker.

*Michael loudly screams and ends up falling on the floor in fright, before realizing it’s Mr. McCary. Upon realizing that, he gets up from off the floor and approaches his boss*

Michael: How do you do, sir?

*Michael shakes Mr. McCary’s hand*

Mr. McCary: I’m doing just fine, Mr. Parker. I didn’t mean to scare you there.

Michael: Me? Scared?

*Michael nervously laughs*

Michael: I wasn’t scared. I’m a man. I ain’t scared of somebody comin’ in a room. I ain’t no punk.

Mr. McCary: Right. Well, since you’ve arrived earlier than expected, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to go through some basics.

Michael: Basics?

Mr. McCary: Yeah. The Oohs and O’nts of Irving’s Shoe Store.

Michael: You mean the dos and don’ts.

Mr. McCary: Oh, no. As an avid fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, it’s oohs and on’ts.

*Michael nods his head*

Mr. McCary: But anyways, I digress. On to the basics. Number 1, it is very important that you treat each and every customer with hospitality and warmth. Try your best to be friendly, neighborly, and pleasant.

Michael: Oh, yes, sir. I definitely believe in all that. I think that it’s great when you be nice and stuff to customers because you never know what people go through. For example, Iola might be gettin’ used and abused by her husband, Shane. And Polly might be takin’ Molly’s lunch. And Tom might have a hard time tellin’ his parents he gay. And Jose might have a hard time tryin’ to fix Miss Kimble’s roof. Hey, Jose. And Sondra might-

Mr. McCary: Michael?

Michael: Yes?

Mr. McCary: Zip it.

Michael: Yes, sir.

Mr. McCary: Now back to the basics. Number 2, please give in to the customers’ demands. This is a shoe store geared towards females, so 9/10 there will occasionally be fat, smelly, totally-a-burden women coming in and out of this store. In other words, whales are indeed welcomed here. So just let ‘em feed off of krill so we can all be happy.

Michael: Oh, I don’t know ‘bout them whales. I don’t really like ‘em that much, ‘cause they can sneak up on ya’ and if ya’-

Mr. McCary: Mr. Parker?

Michael: Yes?

Mr. McCary: I regret telling you to zip it earlier. From now on, I’ll tell you to shut up. Anyways, last but certainly not least, Number 3, you’re selling shoes, you’re not a sailor, so please, no profanity in front of the shoes.

Michael: Oh, yes, sir. My mama always told me not to cuss in front of no shoes. Well, she never really told me that, but I bet she would, ‘cause shoes can’t defend themselves from all that kind of harsh language. I cuss in front of my maid, Vera every now and then, but I kinda’ feel bad ‘bout it, ‘cause she built like a shoe, and-

Mr. McCary (angrily): Oh, shut the hell up! Now, there should be a crowd of impatient and rowdy people standing outside that door…

*Michael and Mr. McCary look to the door and see a bunch of people lined up outside*

Mr. McCary: Any minute. Now remember, I’ll be observing what goes on out here, so I suggest that you keep all that I said in your mind throughout the day. Good luck.

Michael: But, Mr. McCary, I ain’t ready for-

Mr. McCary: Parker, you’re a shoe salesman. This is nothing to prepare yourself for.

*Mr. McCary opens the door. As soon as he opens it, two very overweight women try to enter at the same time, but after realizing that they both can’t fit, one stands back and lets the other one go*

Michael: Oh, my god. I really gotta’ deal with Jabba The Hut ova’ there and her big, fat ass baby.

*After the woman enters, the whole crowd of people impatiently rush into the store*

CUT TO: Scene 3


Scene 3 - Int. The Lavish Bin Restaurant - Evening

*Michael and Helen are shown seated at one of the tables in the restaurant*

Helen: Michael, you sure this place don’t serve you no snail or slug or nothin’?

Michael: No, mama.

Helen: No dogs and cats?

Michael (now aggravated): No, mama.

Helen: No flies and-

Michael (loudly in aggravation): They serve food, mama! Damn! You act like you been livin’ under a rock!

Male Patron (at other table): Excuse me, sir. But I’d appreciate it if you’d lower your voice a bit. Me and my wife came for a rather quiet and pleasant meal.

Helen (whispering to Michael): Now, see, Michael. You don’ made that ugly white man mad.

Michael (irritated): Mama, if you don’t hush yo’ damn mouth right now, I’m gon’ cram this table down yo’ throat.

*Seconds later, a rather attractive waitress walks past Michael and Helen*

Michael: Damn! Slide yo’ way on over, sweet thang!

Helen (disgusted): Michael, stop bein’ nasty! Ain’t you seein’ that Liza girl anyway?

Michael: Her name Liz, mama. And besides, I might be seein’ Liz. But I can still peek at Miss Waity-Waitress if I want to.

*The waitress walks by Michael and Helen’s table*

Heather: Excuse me, sir, but I noticed that you were making rather disturbing passes at me behind my back. And to be frank, I don’t like it, at all.

Michael: What’s yo’ name, little mama?

Heather: Excuse me?

Michael: Michael wants to tap that ass, baby!

Heather: Wow. Just when I thought your words couldn’t get any more degrading and insulting.

Michael: Babe, you not sittin’ on my lap is degradin’ and insultin’.

*Heather shakes her head*

Heather: You disgust me. Men like you are why I only have two baby fathers.

*Heather the waitress walks away*

Michael: She don’t know. I’ll touch her body, drink her bath waters anytime. She got my attention.

*Seconds later, Heather returns*

Michael: I just knew you couldn’t get enough of me, sweet legs.

Heather: Please cut it out, sir. You’re embarrassing yourself. Anyways, I’m Heather. I’ll be serving you tonight.

Michael (under his breath): God is good.

Heather: Can I start you two off with something to drink?

Helen: I’ll have some water, I guess. I hope they ain’t got nothin’ bad in that.

Michael: I’ll have some Heatherhol. Get it?

Heather: No, I don’t get it, you Neanderthal.

Michael: Well, I’ll have a Coke then, baby.

*Heather rolls her eyes*

Heather: Now, I’ll be back in a few with the drinks.

*Heather walks off. Meanwhile, Claretha and Rosetta are shown at one of the tables from a distance*

Claretha: Is that Michael flirtin’ with that skinny white waitress?

*Rosetta shrugs her shoulders*

Rosetta: I don’t know. That ain’t that punk who was all over him at his birthday party?

*Claretha shakes her head*

CUT TO: Scene 4


Scene 4 - Int. Irving’s Shoe Store - Storefront - Morning

*Michael is behind the counter, using the work phone*

Michael (on the phone): No, Sonny. No. James Evans and George Jefferson wasn’t played by the same person. I don’t give a damn what you think, it ain’t true! James Evans was a character on Good Times, not Hill Street Blues. Yeah.

*While Michael’s on the phone, a female customer quietly enters the store, wearing a sequin dress. Upon seeing Michael behind the counter, she walks up to him there*

Michael (on the phone): No, Nell Carter wasn’t on Good Times. You talkin’ ‘bout that other show, Gimme A Cosby!.

Female Customer #1 (patiently): Excuse me.

Michael (on the phone): Robert Reed was not gay. Wasn’t he married to Carol on The Brady Bunch? Well, it don’t matter if it wasn’t in real life, the man still wasn’t gay! Raymond Burr? Huh?

Female Customer #1 (louder): Excuse me, sir.

Michael (on the phone): I don’t even know what Ironside is!

Female Customer #1 (even louder): Sir! I need some help here!

*Michael notices the customer*

Michael (ticked off): Hold on, Sonny. Some white woman in here, screamin’ at me like she crazy. I’m gettin’ ready to choke the hell outta’ her.

*Michael puts down the phone*

Michael: Lady, please don’t do that ever again. I was on the phone, and you screamin’ like you ‘bout to call the po-po. Now what can I help you with?

Female Customer #1: I’m sorry, sir. I just needed your attention. So, with that being said, I’d like something that would go great with this dress.

*Michael shrugs his shoulders*

Michael (mockingly): Some delicious lye salad?

Female Customer #1: Since you’re obviously no help, I believe I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Michael: Well, yo’ business is none of my business, so that don’t affect me.

*Female Customer #1 leaves the store. After she leaves out, Mr. McCary enters the room*

Mr. McCary: Parker?

Michael: (aggravated): What?!

Mr. McCary: You answer me yes.

Michael: Sure thing, master. What now? You want me to give you a lap dance?

Mr. McCary: I didn’t tell you to act like my fiancé.

Michael: I thought you had a wife.

Mr. McCary: My wife doesn’t have to know everything about me. Anyways, enough about my personal life. I don’t like what just went on.

Michael: What you talkin’ ‘bout?

Mr. McCary: Parker, are you blind, crippled, and crazy? Nevermind. I think it’s a mixture of all three. I was talking about the way you treated that poor woman.

Michael: What’s the matter with the way I treat customers?

Mr. McCary (sarcastically): Wow, Parker. I can’t possibly fathom what’s wrong with your delusions of friendliness when it comes to customers.

Michael: I knew you couldn’t.

Mr. McCary: I wasn’t being serious, Parker! The point is, I don’t like you insulting customers and practically forcing them to leave.

Michael: I wasn’t forcin’ that thing to leave! She decided to leave herself.

Mr. McCary: Whatever. Just know that I’ll be in the back.

*Mr. McCary heads to the back. Seconds later, two older women enter the store, and are easily identified as TV characters Thelma Harper a.k.a. “Mama” and Eunice Higgins*

Mama: Eunice, this don’t look like my house.

Eunice: It’s not, mama. I believe this is a junkyard of some sort.

*Michael comes from behind the counter and approaches Eunice and Mama*

Michael: Ma’am, this ain’t a junkyard. This a shoe store.

*Eunice laughs*

Eunice: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. But unfortunately, I can’t see very well.

Michael: Then you don’t need to be in here. Go to the eye doctor.

*Mama reaches out for Michael*

Mama (confused): Carl, is that you?

Eunice: Mama, move! That’s not daddy. This is a shoe salesman. We’re in a shoe store.

Mama (confused): What?!

Eunice (Louder): We’re in a shoe store.

Mama: Eunice, I can’t hear a word you sayin’.

Eunice (Even Louder): I said we’re in a shoe store, damnit!

CUT TO: Scene 5


Scene 5 - Irving’s Shoe Store - Storefront - Afternoon

*Female Customer #2 is sitting in one of the store chairs, while Michael is sitting on the shoe store stool, holding the customer’s leg in one hand and a shoe in the other*

Female Customer #2: Before you put that shoe on my foot, I just want you to know that I haven’t washed my feet in almost fifteen years. It’s against my religion.

*Michael pauses in disgust*

Female Customer #2: I hope I haven’t disgusted you any.

Michael: Is a bean green? Could James Brown get down?

Female Customer #2: Is your head dead?

*Female Customer #2 emerges from the chair and leaves the store. After she leaves, Michael gets up from the stool. Seconds later, Heather enters the shoe store, unaware that Michael is working there*

Michael (excited): Welcome in, Hottie Heather.

*Heather quickly notices Michael, and sighs*

Heather: Oh, boy. Not you again.

Michael: I got a question.

Heather: What is it, you sicko?

Michael: Do you wanna go in the break room?

Heather (confused): For what?

Michael: So I can sing some Keith Sweat to ya’. ‘Cause you look so good, I wanna…make you sweat.

*Heather rolls her eyes in disgust and leaves the store. After she leaves, Mr. McCary enters the room*

Mr. McCary: Mr. Parker?

Michael: Yes?

Mr. McCary: Was that really necessary?

Michael: It was to me.

Mr. McCary: Parker, that’s another thing I don’t quite like about your services. Please, no more flirting, or harassing if you want to keep this job. Ya’ know, I’m starting to wonder if you’re Irving material.

Michael: Well, stop wonderin’. I’m cut out for this job.

Mr. McCary: Well, then, prove it.

*Mr. McCary goes back into the break room*

CUT TO: Scene 6


Scene 6 - Irving’s Shoe Store - Storefront - Later That Day

*Female Customer #3, who happens to be very overweight, is sitting on one of the store chairs, while Michael is sitting on the shoe store stool. They are both oddly surrounded by shoes*

Female Customer #3: I just can’t find anything I like.

Michael: You oughta’ be sittin’ down here.

Female Customer #3 (offended): What is that supposed to mean?

Michael: Well, like I said, you oughta’ be sittin’ down here. Then again, I wouldn’t dream of encouragin’ you to break this thing and cause a sizable earthquake.

Female Customer #3 (offended): That’s it. I’m taking my business elsewhere.

Michael: May I suggest Jenny Craig?

*Female Customer #3 gets up and leaves. After she leaves, Mr. McCary enters the room, appearing disappointed in Michael*

Mr. McCary (disappointed): Michael, what on Earth are you doing?!

Michael (loudly): I ain’t doin’ sh*t.


CLOSING CREDITS…

THE END

[Wawwie]

Very surprising that Mr. McCary hasn't fired Michael yet!

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Very surprising that Mr. McCary hasn't fired Michael yet!

Oh, believe me, he did. It was just offscreen, after the episode ended.

BTW: What did you think about Michael and Heather The Hottie Waitress? (If you’ve gotten to that point, that is).

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Oh, believe me, he did. It was just onscreen, after the episode ended.

BTW: What did you think about Michael and Heather The Hottie Waitress? (If you’ve gotten to that point, that is).

Michael is lucky that Heather didn't throw a hot drink in his face at the restaurant!

[stevea]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Michael is lucky that Heather didn't throw a hot drink in his face at the restaurant!

That probably happened after the scene, too. Heather came back with the drinks, Michael made another smartass comment, and she doused him.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by stevea

That probably happened after the scene, too. Heather came back with the drinks, Michael made another smartass comment, and she doused him.

Hey, Michael was just trying to compliment Heather on her buttocks and pretty face.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Hey, Michael was just trying to compliment Heather on her buttocks and pretty face.

Yes, very crudely and in front of his mother. No classy woman wants to be told "I wanna tap that ass" by some stranger especially while she's trying to work. He probably embarrassed the poor girl. His behavior was not flattering. It was a turn-off. Gross. His poor mother was probably embarrassed too.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

Yes, very crudely and in front of his mother. No classy woman wants to be told "I wanna tap that ass" by some stranger especially while she's trying to work. He probably embarrassed the poor girl. His behavior was not flattering. It was a turn-off. Gross. His poor mother was probably embarrassed too.

Of course it was a turn-off. This is Michael we’re talking about. He’s supposed to be annoying and smack worthy. I would find it very disturbing and disgusting if I witnessed that myself, but his character is meant to be that way.

Believe me, by the end of the season, Michael will probably be put in the hospital.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Of course it was a turn-off. This is Michael we’re talking about. He’s supposed to be annoying and smack worthy. I would find it very disturbing and disgusting if I witnessed that myself, but his character is meant to be that way.

Believe me, by the end of the season, Michael will probably be put in the hospital.

He reminds me of a combo of: Al Bundy (Married With Children), Charlie Harper (Two & A Half Men) and George Jefferson's sexist/ignorant/douche bag employee who dropped dead on his sofa... (can't remember his name.) He was super crude and George got suckered into giving his eulogy at the funeral.

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

He reminds me of a combo of: Al Bundy (Married With Children), Charlie Harper (Two & A Half Men) and George Jefferson's sexist/ignorant/douche bag employee who dropped dead on his sofa... (can't remember his name.) He was super crude and George got suckered into giving his eulogy at the funeral.

Don’t know about Charlie Harper, but he was definitely inspired by Al Bundy and Martin Payne (Martin), with a bit of George Jefferson.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Don’t know about Charlie Harper, but he was definitely inspired by Al Bundy and Martin Payne (Martin), with a bit of George Jefferson.

OK, scratch Charlie Harper. He is way more icky than Michael IMO. We'll go with Al and now that you mention it, I do sense a bit of Martin in him. Do you remember that employee of George's I was talking about? Do you remember his name?

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

OK, scratch Charlie Harper. He is way more icky than Michael IMO. We'll go with Al and now that you mention it, I do sense a bit of Martin in him. Do you remember that employee of George's I was talking about? Do you remember his name?

No, I hardly remember that episode. LOL. I’ll probably look it up later though and check it out.

BTW, while we’re discussing “Livin’ The Life”, I thought I would bring up that you’ll see Michael’s favorite waitress in the next episode. All I can say about it is that she shows up to his apartment. I plan on having a crossover between this show and my “paused” Mastersons project for Episode 4 too.

[Wawwie]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

No, I hardly remember that episode. LOL. I’ll probably look it up later though and check it out.

BTW, while we’re discussing “Livin’ The Life”, I thought I would bring up that you’ll see Michael’s favorite waitress in the next episode. All I can say about it is that she shows up to his apartment. I plan on having a crossover between this show and my “paused” Mastersons project for Episode 4 too.

So is Michael done with Liz?

[TVLegend]

Originally Posted by Wawwie

So is Michael done with Liz?

No, not right now, but Liz just hasn’t been seen. And I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, Heather isn’t going over to Michael’s to sleep with him, lol.

[stevea]

Originally Posted by TVLegend

Don’t know about Charlie Harper, but he was definitely inspired by Al Bundy and Martin Payne (Martin), with a bit of George Jefferson.

I think Vera IS Florence.

And I do see some Charlie Harper in Michael.