Friends "The one with the ugly baby"

[Superbatboy]

The One with the ugly baby

Written By: Brandon Noble

These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


SCENE 1

(At Monica and Chandler’s apartment)

Monica: With these new fish, we’ll be all relaxed and enjoy life a little better

Phoebe: What kind of fish are they called again??

Monica: Beta Fish

Phoebe: Why would you want the beta version of any animal?? It’s not the real thing Mon

Monica: No Phoebe, that’s just the name of the fish. You know like a guppy or a platy

Phoebe: Yeah, don’t remember asking though (sarcastically)

(Enter Joey)

Joey: So you guys ready to go see Rachel and the baby now that they’re home???

Phoebe: I’m ready

Monica: Wait, I still have some cookies baking in the oven. And Chandler hasn’t gotten home yet

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Bye Monica(teasingly)

Monica: Aren’t you guys going to wait for me???

Phoebe: You think NBC is going to wait to cancel Watching Ellie??

(Exit Phoebe and Joey)

SCENE 2

(At Ross’ apartment)

Rachel: Ross, our baby isn’t cute

Ross: Rachel, what are you talking about??? She’s beautiful (looks in the crib)… In a blue/purple sort of way

Rachel: You and your strong genes

Ross: Me??? That baby looks exactly like you Rachel

Rachel: What??? Hello. Ross, come on the long sad puppy face. The un even dimples, the gap. Oh wait, she doesn’t have teeth yet. But she probably WILL have a gap. I hope you have a good dental plan. But from the looks of it, you don’t

Ross: Please Rachel. The baby has round chubby too wide for it’s neck cheeks like you. Has the Mr. Potato head nose, and the Cabbage patch doll chin

Rachel: Take that back

Ross: I will not

Rachel: Fine then. Get out

Ross: Rachel, I live here

Rachel: Well, not anymore you don’t

Ross: Come on Rachel. We have a baby together now. There’s no use in fighting

Rachel: You’re right Ross

(Enter Phoebe and Joey)

Joey: How’s my little mother doing??? (Gives Rachel a hug)… And the daddy(gives Ross a hug)

Rachel: So what’s everybody been up to??

Phoebe: Well, nothing much is going on in my life, but Monica is baking cookies and feeding trial size fish

Ross: Phoebe, there’s no such thing as a trial size fish

Phoebe: Yeah huh. It’s called a beta fish

Ross: Phoebe, a beta fish is….(Interrupted)

Phoebe: Don’t remember asking

Joey: So, let’s get a good look at the baby(Looks in crib) Whoa…..did they do that thing like when you buy a car and they take it to the back to “wash” it and bring you a different one??? For goodness sake, why didn’t you guys leave a mark on the baby???

Rachel: Sorry Joey, if it was a boy then we would have purposely forgotten that Ross was Jewish to keep the mark on the boy

SCENE 3

(At the Central Perk)

Chandler: Gunther, what’s wrong???

Gunther: Well, I had undying love for Rachel, but now….I can’t love her anymore

Chandler: And why is that??? She’s not married you know

Gunther: Yeah but, I was raised in a stepfamily, and I’m not about to go through THAT again. She can keep Ross

Chandler: Funny how you talk like you had a choice in the matter

(Enter Monica)

Monica: Hey baby

Chandler: Hey sugar

Monica: I have a surprise for you upstairs

Chandler: Ooooh, can’t wait to see it

Monica: More like them

Chandler: Every man’s dream(Looks up)

Monica: Not that Chandler. I got beta fish for us

Chandler: Monica, I know you’re a good chef and all. But Whitney Houston probably has more meat on her bones than that

Monica: No silly. I bought them as pets

Chandler: And that was my big surprise???

Monica: Yeah, I read somewhere that fish relax the human body

Chandler: And I didn’t stay at work for overtime why??

SCENE 4

(At Ross’ apartment)

Ross: She has a little bit of Monica in her

Rachel: What, the cleaness, cause you refuse to let her go more than 1 hour without being changed

Ross: Rachel, I don’t want her to get a rash

Rachel: Well, if she takes after her father then it’s too late for that

Ross: The doctor said it was a skin disorder Rachel

Rachel: Yeah, and it just happen to develop some 30 some odd years after you were born

Ross: Come on Rachel. I thought we weren’t going to fight

Rachel: Were not fighting. We’re having a dialogue

Ross: Too bad in my head it’s just a monologue of you cackling like a bird

Rachel: Oh, you wanna talk about birds??? Turkey neck. And yes, the baby has a turkey neck

Ross: No before you Elephant thighs

Rachel: Take that back

Ross: I won’t

Rachel: You dead beat dad???

Ross: What???

Rachel: Oh yes, you will be a dead beat dad once I leave this town. I don’t want my baby anywhere near her Veloceraptor father. Too bad we’re not preying mantis, you would’ve been eaten by me a year ago

Ross: Oh please, preying Mantis don’t get drunk and totally lose their minds. And sleep with the first half decent thing they see. Well, I guess not half decent

Rachel: *gasp* Yo mama

Ross: Your daddy

Rachel: Your bald-headed granny

Ross: My granny is dead (starts crying)

Rachel: I’m sorry Ross.

Ross: We really can’t do this anymore. We can’t fight in front of the baby

Rachel: Okay, we won’t. But the baby still looks like you

Ross: 3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3

Rachel: Okay, that’s enough

SCENE 5

(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)

Chandler: Okay, you have 1, 2, 3, fish in 1, 2, 3, tanks. Care to explain??

Monica: They can’t be in the same tank because they fight

Phoebe: How do you know that???

Monica: It’s a fact, beta fish fight each other

Phoebe: There she goes with the facts again

Chandler: Well, now that I’ve seen them, I love my fish honey(kisses Monica)

Phoebe: Oh please, gag me with a muffin Elvin

Monica: Oh, that reminds me. I have cookies in the oven

Phoebe: Again. Are you ovulating??

Monica: No, that’s the 23 day. Today’s the 21st day

Phoebe: Oh, the mother/housewife time period

Chandler: Please don’t say period while we’re talking about this

Phoebe: On my 21st day I usually clean house

Monica: Oh, I want to come over and help

Phoebe: Well, it’s the 19th today, so in two more days Mon

Monica: Yeah

Chandler: And yet we’re still talking about cycles

(Enter Joey)

Joey: Hey guys

Chandler: Hey Joey. We’re talking about periods

(Joey walks back out)

Phoebe & Monica: Men

SCENE 6

(At the Central Perk)

(Rachel and Ross walk in)

Rachel: Must you insist on bringing that baby everywhere??

Ross: Um, hello

Rachel: I’m embarrassed

Ross: Come on, it’s not that bad. At the hospital you said she was beautiful

Rachel: After 47 hours of labor, a baby with Roseanne’s face attached would have been appealing

Ross: All babies have their ugly stage

Rachel: Funny how you never grew out of it

Ross: Come on Rachel, we said we weren’t going to fight in front of the baby

Rachel: Bu…(Interrupted)

Ross: Or dialogue

(Gunther walks over to Ross and Rachel)

Gunther: Congrats on your new baby…your blue/purple baby…..(Walks away and jumps in the air while saying “YES”)

Rachel: Get some coffee Ross

Ross: I don’t want any coffee

Rachel: Please, just get some

Ross: You just want me to stay awake and take care of the baby while you sleep

Rachel: I’m soooo tired Ross. Help me out here

Ross: Here I’ll help your tiredness out. Gunther, double espresso for Rachel

Gunther: Okay, but don’t think Rachel is still going to get the same speedy service she used to get before

Rachel: I’m not drinking that coffee Ross. You better hope I don’t throw it in your face when it comes

Gunther: And it won’t come for another 15 minutes. I have MORE important customers than you now

Ross: Rachel, why are you being so mean to me

Rachel: Because I’m not pregnant anymore and I’m back on my cycle

Ross: Please don’t expound on the subject

SCENE 7

(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)

Phoebe: I don’t understand why men get so scared when women talk about the cycle

Monica: Just their own insecurities

Chandler: And here we are STILL talking about (Joey walks in) periods

(Joey walks out)

Monica: See what I mean???

Phoebe: I mean, there’s nothing that guys talk about that bothers us

Chandler: I’m sure there is

Phoebe: I’m sure there isn’t

Chandler: I’m sure there is

Phoebe: I’m sure there isn’t

Monica: Sure annoy me why don’t you

Phoebe: Sorry

Chandler: Okay how about, Forensic science???

Phoebe: Um, hello. I’m Phoebe. Phoebe Buffet, the weird left-handed one

Chandler: You know, I’ve noticed something about left-handed people. They’re all weird

Phoebe: That is not true…Look at um….Eminem

Monica: 1 for 1 that’s weird

Chandler: Actually 2 for 2 Monica. You forgot Phoebe

Phoebe: Okay, how about my sister Ursula???

Monica: The porn star???

Phoebe: Okay, bad example

Monica: That’s 3 for 3

Phoebe: I’m losing…. Um, how about Jerry Seinfeld???

Chandler: Okay, are you talking about the TV character or the actor

Phoebe: He’s an actor???

Chandler: I don’t care, left-handed people are weird for the most part, that’s the bottom line (Joey walks in) period

(Joey walks out)

Chandler: Wait, Joey. Come back here

Monica: Yeah, come sit and talk with us

Joey: Okay, but no more applicator worthy conversation

(Joey sits at the table)

Monica: We were just talking about left-handed people…and how(Interrupted)

Phoebe: And how they’re so normal

Joey: I agree with Phoebe

Chandler: What???

Joey: I mean, who gives us the right to judge someone on the hand that they use, or the content of their character

Chandler: Joey, you’re supposed to judge someone on the content of their character

Joey: Oh yeah, I knew I should have paid more attention during black history month in school

Monica: Joey, you should have paid more attention during school “period”

(Joey gets up and walks out)

SCENE 8

(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)

Rachel: I can’t believe this thing

Ross: Rachel

Monica: Rachel, don’t talk about my niece like that. She’s going through her ugly faze. She’ll grow out of it

Rachel: Not according to her genes(looks over at Ross)

Ross: I’ll never touch alcohol again

Rachel: We weren’t drunk Ross

Ross: Yeah, maybe you weren’t

Phoebe: Well, at least you’re not left-handed

Rachel: And what does THAT have to do with anything???

Phoebe: Only us weird lefties would understand

(Enter Chandler)

Chandler: Hey guys

Everyone: Hey

Chandler: Hey Monica, what did you do with the fish???

Phoebe: Hello, they were BETA fish. Trial fish. They expired

Monica: Must be a left-hand thing. Anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore. So I took them back to the store

Chandler: Take what???

Monica: Do you know those things poop???

Chandler: Yes

Monica: I can’t have bowls of feces in water sitting in my house

Rachel: It’s not like you can see it floating in the bowl

Monica: But it’s there

Phoebe: Wow, just get over it Monica. They’re expired. Like milk. Not breast milk

Ross: Don’t remind me of your human fluid consumption Phoebe

Chandler: I still remember the horror

Monica: Must be a left-hand thing

Phoebe: Oh shut up

FINAL SCENE

(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)

Rachel: I just hope our baby gets cute

Monica: It will, it will

Rachel: It, is right

Chandler: I kind of miss the little fish

Phoebe: You should’ve just, froze the fish Monica. Maybe they would have lasted a little bit longer

Ross: You can’t freeze things and preserve them alive Phoebe. Think about the ice age, during that time(Joey walks in) period

(Joey looks at everyone, sighs, and shakes his head and walks out)

THE END

[-*Leah*-]

Good grief! You really thought that out well didn't you...*lol*

[pAuLaFaNfOrEvEr]

i know really!

[sitcomfreak2]

yeah, I like it.

[Superbatboy]

LMAO! I forgot that I wrote this, man how time flies. Don't know what I was smoking/drinking/inhaling when I wrote this