Laverne and Shirley Scene

[BillyShope]

I write scenes for a local drama school and I recently completed one based on Laverne and Shirley. I usually have certain actors in mind as I write, but I don't use their names. In this case, it seemed to scream "Laverne and Shirley," so I used their names.

I've taken a little joke that's going the rounds and stretched and amplified to complete a scene. This is certainly NOT a "dirty" joke, but it involves embarassment concerning a sexual matter, so it would not be suitable for the general (very young) TV audience. We all laugh when we see a man accidentally enter the women's restroom and emerge with a red face. That involves sex, but it's not a dirty joke. Well, that's what's involved in the following scene and I certainly don't mean to offend:
CANDYSTRIPERS' ADVENTURES
Bill Shope

Scene is set in a hospital ward. Patient is lying down center, on his back, with his head pointing left and feet right. His bare feet are visible from under the sheet and his head is covered with a bulky oxygen mask. A bedside cart is down from him with bottles and other paraphernalia arranged so that his midsection is hidden from the audience.

Nurse White is standing right and facing left, making notes on a clipboard as Candystripers Laverne and Shirley enter stage left. Their attention is drawn to the patient as they head toward Nurse White, who lifts her head in acknowledgement of their approach.

WHITE: Well, my two new candystripers! How are you today? (Her attention returns to her clipboard.)

SHIRLEY: (Turning long enough to respond.) We're fine, Mrs White. (Returns her gaze to the patient.)

LAVERNE: (Her eyes always on the patient.) Yeah, fine.

WHITE: (Lifting her head and noting that the candystripers are looking at the patient.) Oh, that's Mr. Carlson. (Very casually.) He won't be with us long.

LAVERNE: Oh, that's terrible!

SHIRLEY: What is it, Mrs. White? Cancer?

WHITE: (Laughing.) No, it's nothing like that, girls. It's not as serious as it looks. Mr. Carlson had a vasectomy a few days ago and he came in here yesterday for his sperm check. But, while he was here, he apparently had a severe asthma attack and we kept him overnight. We're keeping him under oxygen, but, as soon as we hear from the lab on his tests, I expect we'll be sending him home. At the moment, Mr. Carlson appears to be enjoying a nice nap. Try not to disturb him. (Turning and exiting right.) I'll be back with your assignments for today in a few minutes.

(Laverne and Shirley cautiously move toward the patient, finally standing at his midsection with Shirley to the left.)

LAVERNE: Vasectomy. Is that where they cut under his balls and...

SHIRLEY: Testicles, Laverne! Testicles! We're supposed to be preparing for nursing careers. We say "testicles" now.

LAVERNE: Yeah, but that's it, isn't it, Shirl?

SHIRLEY: Yes, that's it. They cut out a section of his "vast difference" so that the sperm remains in the testicles.

LAVERNE: "Vast difference"? I never heard of that part of a man before.

SHIRLEY: Well, Laverne, that's where we differ. I keep my eyes and ears open here so that I can learn these things. I'd suggest you do the same.

LAVERNE: I wonder if it's painful. That part of a man doesn't take a lot of jostling around, if you know what I mean.

SHIRLEY: I understand it can be painful for 2 or 3 days. The testicles might enlarge and become discolored, as if they'd been bruised by a blow.

LAVERNE: (Smiling.) Yeah, like that sailor you discouraged when we were out last week. I'll bet he was sore for a couple of days. (Pause.) You shouldn'ta done that, Shirl. He was cute.

SHIRLEY: He was a beast and I don't regret it for a minute! (Looks at patient's head.) Oh, his eyes are open! He's awake!

PATIENT: (Because of the oxygen mask, his voice is muffled and garbled.) Armffgtstfdfbck?

LAVERNE: Did you hear that? He's saying something.

SHIRLEY: What is it? What did he say?

PATIENT: Armffgtstfdfbck?

LAVERNE: There it is again.

SHIRLEY: Oh, Laverne, we're in big trouble.

LAVERNE: Trouble? Whatta ya mean, trouble?

SHIRLEY: Didn't you understand? It's what we've been talking about. He asked, "Are my testicles black?".

LAVERNE: What? Are your sure?

SHIRLEY: Yes, he said it twice.

PATIENT: Armffgtstfdfbck?

SHIRLEY: Yes, it's very clear to me: Are my testicles black? He wants to know if his testicles are still black and blue from the vasectomy. What are we going to do?

LAVERNE: Well, I suppose we could lift the sheet and check.

(Shirley pushes Laverne and they both end up standing at the foot of the bed.)

SHIRLEY: Are you crazy? We're not real nurses. We're not supposed to do that sort of thing.

LAVERNE: Look, the poor guy asked a simple question and he thinks we're regular nurses. No reason we can't take a peek and give him his answer. As you said, we're here to learn.

SHIRLEY: (Very reluctantly.) Well, maybe a quick peek, but keep your eyes open for Mrs. White or one of the other nurses.

(They return to the patient's midsection, where Shirley delicately lifts the sheet and lays it back over the patient's thighs.)

LAVERNE: Well, go ahead.

SHIRLEY: I can't. His thingee is in the way.

LAVERNE: Penis, Shirl. It's called a penis. Remember, we're training to become nurses. Just lift it up with your left hand and use your right hand to look at his balls.

SHIRLEY: Testicles!

LAVERNE: Yeah, I mean testicles.

SHIRLEY: (After close inspection.) I guess they're okay. I mean, they're not all black.

LAVERNE: (Replacing Shirley's hands with her own.) Here, let me see.

(Laverne suddenly releases her hands.)

LAVERNE: Oh!

SHIRLEY: Laverne, what's the matter?

LAVERNE: Don't you see what's happening?

SHIRLEY: Oh! (Pause.) Oh, my! (An obvious expression of awe with a slight smile.)

LAVERNE: (Looking back over her shoulders.) You'd better cover it up, Shirl, before someone comes along and gets the wrong impression.

SHIRLEY: (Transfixed.) Yes.

LAVERNE: Well?

SHIRLEY: (Finally replacing the sheet.) I am! I am! I'm covering it up.

SHIRLEY: (Pushes Laverne to the foot of the bed again.) We'd better tell him what we found.

LAVERNE: Aw, Shirl! We can't do that! That's just a natural reaction for a man. I mean, we were both handling him.

SHIRLEY: No, no! I mean that his testicles looked normal.

LAVERNE: Oh. Okay, go ahead and tell him.

SHIRLEY: I can't, Laverne, I'm too embarassed. (Pause.) Maybe we should just leave.

LAVERNE: We gotta tell him, Shirl. We can't just do that to him and walk away. Remember, he thinks we're nurses.

(During the last few lines, the patient has been struggling to remove his oxygen mask and finally succeeds.)

PATIENT: That was great, girls. Thank you.

LAVERNE/SHIRLEY: Yeah, sure, uh-huh, etc.

PATIENT: But I want you to listen. And, this time, listen verrry carefully: ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?
CURTAIN

[wilson001]

Great job. Thanks for sharing.