Fonziebirds: The Mighty Homer

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 1- Homer, Lenny and Carl

It’s lunch time at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Lenny, Carl and Homer sit at their table. Homer, as usual, drinks beer and swallows donut after donut.

LENNY: Hey! Homer, don’t put donut crumbs all over the newspaper, I’m reading this!

HOMER: What?

LENNY: It’s been exactly one year since the explosion of a nuclear power plant in Australia. The newspaper says that they think that some world-famous criminal called the Candy Man's responsible for that.

HOMER: Pfff…The guys at that power plant must be real jerks if they don’t even recognize a world-famous crook when they see one!

The guys leave their lunch table and wave at a strange new co-worker.

ALL 3: Hi, Harry!

Instead of going to his job, the new guy stays at the back, along the hallway wall. Sure, that guy has some hair on his head but look carefully at these piercing, familiar eyes. (but not for too long!) It’s the Candy Man! As soon as he’s alone, he takes what seems to be a tiny mouse out of his pocket.

HOOD: Now, do your job, my little friend!

He leaves the Mighty Atom wander around sector 7-G and goes to the sector’s safety office, that means, Homer’s place. Just outside of Homer’s working place, you can hear him sing the words 'Skinny Jim' over and over again. That’s just because he’s listening to Eddie Cochran’s Skinny Jim. While Homer is absorbed by his music, The Candy Man realizes that he won’t even need to use his powers which saves him much energy and time. He takes off his mask and tries to reach the security controls. He’s interrupted by Smithers.

SMITHERS: Simpson, keep it down! ….Hold it, you, what are you doing here?

The Candy Man uses his hypnotic talent on Smithers who falls on the floor only seconds later. Then, the Candy Man tries to do he same on Homer but the only thing our favourite bald, overweight guy can think about is that 'Skinny Jim' song his kids are always singing. The Candy Man, surprised and upset to see someone smart enough to resist his powers for the first time, takes his gun and shoots. Homer says that inevitable “D’OH!” and hides under his security control console. Strangely, the Candy Man doesn’t even tries to shoot Homer but his gun shots are wrecking the console. An alarm sounds.

HOMER: Oh, What am I gonna do?

CANDY MAN: Call International Rescue, Idiot! You cant control the reactor anymore! Well, if you ever been smart enough to!

After getting what he wants, the Candy Man runs away.

*****

As panic takes over the power plant, very far away from there, on a remote island in the Pacific, everything is surprisingly calm. Howard discusses with Al about the plans of some new machine, Ralph is painting, Richie is dancing to a song on American Bandstand and Chachi is watching that same show on TV. Then, the eyes on Fonzie’s portrait light up.

HOWARD: Go ahead, Fonzie.

FONZIE: Dig this, we got an emergency call from a nuclear power plant in Springfield. I think it may be a prank call.

CHACHI: A nuclear power plant but that’s serious! No one smart enough to handle plutonium and uranium would be such a jerk and do a prank call!

FONZIE: The guy couldn’t even tell me in which part of the U.S. he was!

FONZIE: You got the coordinates, do you? Who was the man that called you, what was his name, his title?

FONZIE: The guy’s name's Homer Simpson. He’s in charge of the security. Well, that’s what he told me.

HOWARD: Simpson, eh? We cant take for granted that it’s a prank call! If it’s true, we are the only guys that could prevent disaster. Potsie, Ralph, get Fonziebirds 1&2. I want you airborne in five minutes.

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 2; Smithers

Howard already knows the owner of that power plant. That's why when Fonzie told him there was an accident at the Springfield nuclear power plant, he believed him right away. It's Charles Montgomery Burns. The guy giving American billionaires a bad reputation. He is too miserly to spend the minimum on security installations for his own power plant.

Potsie hears that but that does not scare him. He changes his mind when he arrives to danger zone. He had seen radioactive mutations before but he had never seen an entire town of yellow faces and four-fingered hands. For the first time, Potsie was really scared to death on a mission. Well, not scared enough to no do his job. He gets out of Fonziebird one with an anti-radiation suit on and is asked to talk to the guy responsible. A bald, fat and anxious guy detached from the crowd.

POTSIE: Who are you?

HOMER: Homer Simpson. Heh… Are you from International Rescue?

POTSIE: Yeah and I need to talk to someone responsible for this plant. Can you lead me to whoever's on charge here?

HOMER'S BRAIN: Whoever's on charge? I am whoever's on charge! Why does it have to be me?

HOMER: D'OH!

Potsie, assuming that the terrorized and panicked looser that was in front of him just couldn't possibly be the guy in charge, was getting upset of loosing so much valuable time with him.

POTSIE: Look, Buddy; If you're not the guy on charge here, well tell me who is or get out of my way. We've got no time to lose here.

HOMER: Actually, I'm…. security inspector for… sector 7-G! Yeah, that's it; security inspector for sector 7-G!

POTSIE'S BRAIN: Oh, great!

HOMER: I can take you to Mr. Burns's office! He's our boss.

POTSIE: Well, let's go!

Potsie reaches for Mr. Burns office with the security inspector, totally out of breath, by his side.

POTSIE: Sir, we have to act fast to save this place and International Rescue can't do anything if I don't know what's wrong here.

Potsie is beginning to say this a few seconds before he even opens the door. When it is open, he only realizes he is talking to nobody. There is no one sitting behind the desk and the large spacious office is empty. There is only the desperate cries of a man, declaring his love for a certain Mr. Burns and imploring him to come back. The sound is coming from a wide open secret door, in the bottom of the office.

HOMER: Hmmm…okay, Mr. Burns isn't here but there's Mr. Smithers. He's Mr. Burns' assistant.

Both Homer and Potsie went to the (not) secret (anymore) door. They see a short man of 40 years or so but with grey hair already; Waylon Smithers. There he is, begging for Mr. Burns' return.

SMITHERS; Mr. Burns took the escape pod and … (sobs) flew away. We're … (sobs again) doomed!

Homer, touched to see a superior so fragile, almost like a child, does the only smart thing that Potsie ever saw him do. He sits beside the poor man and put his hand on his shoulder.

HOMER: Don't worry, Mr. Smithers, International Rescue's here and they'll save the day.

Smithers takes a look behind him, there is Warren Scott Tracy a.k.a Potsie, waving and smiling through the shield of his anti-radiation helmet. He stops crying right away. Charmed both by the fact that that mysterious stranger is from International Rescue and that he is very smart and clever. Then, a noise was being heard outside the plant. It is first thought to be a clamour of terror but it is just the crowd outside that sees podless Fonziebird 2 over their heads.

POTSIE: Fine, there's Ralph.

SMITHERS: Hey, you can monitor the plant here, sir.

Smithers takes some paperwork off what is formerly Mr. Burns's desk. There is a monitor showing a live plan of the installations and if anything is wrong in the plant.

POTSIE: It says that the coolant tube is clogged. That's damn dangerous. I hope you know what that means, Mr. Simpson.

HOMER: Cool-lant?

POTSIE: If a nuclear reaction is uncontrolled, the temperature will rise until an atomic explosion. To avoid that, the fuel needs to be cooled down and that's why water runs in pipes near the radioactive fuel. The water's took from the river and then after it's done it's job, goes back in the river. The water exit tube is clogged with something.

POTSIE'S BRAIN: I can't believe I'm explaining that to a nuclear technician.

He radios to his brothers to tell them the latest developments.

POTSIE: Ralph, were did you dump Fonziebird four?

RALPH: In the Springfield river, just behind the plant.

POTSIE: Rich, go take a look at the coolant exit tube. It's clogged. Send the sea camera to see what's in there.

RICHIE: F.O.N.Z.

Suddenly, another fat, yellow-faced guy runs in Mr Burns' office. Sweaty and extremely panicked, he seems even more confused than Homer. In fact, he seems just plain nuts.

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 3- Moe

HOMER: Barney, What are you doing here?

God knows how he got in but the town drunk is there, forehead, hair and shirt soaked with sweat, eyes filled with horror. He is the worse case of panic Potsie has seen in his career with International Rescue and we all know he has seen plenty of those. He has to get rid of that guy; He could jeopardize the success of the mission with all that panic. The strange guy grabs the security inspector by the shirt. While he seriously shakes him, he yells.

BARNEY: Where’s the beer, Homer? WHEEEEERE’S THE BEEEEEER!

POTSIE'S BRAIN: We’re all this close to die and all he can think about is beer!

POTSIE: Please, sir, calm down, this is a rescue mission.

Then, Potsie has news from Fonziebird 4.

POTSIE: Go ahead, Fonziebird 4!

RICHIE (through radio, of course): I think I found what clogs the coolant tube. I just don’t get what on earth it’s doing there. I sent the wireless camera and I’ll show you the picture.

Seconds later, Potsie could see the image on his communicator. The obstruction is made of some strange dark but yet transparent matter. Words on the tickets give the picture it’s sense; “Molson Canadian”, “Labatt Blue”, “Moosehead Dry”, “Alpine Lager Beer, 6.2 alc.vol.” Suddenly, Barney’s babbling makes sense. Homer and the panicked guy are in the back, with faces like kids who just did something forbidden.

POTSIE: Mr. Simpson, I think you can explain to me what these beer bottles are doing there.

HOMER: Well, okay. Moe, a guy who owns a tavern, was afraid that has was going to have to close his place after another tavern opened just across the street so he put up a plan to make me, Barney, Lenny and Carl smuggle Canadian beer from north of the border. I hid the beers in the coolant tube that goes in the river and when Moe wanted more beer, he gave me a call, I’d push the button to clean the coolant tube and the beers were in the river. Moe only had to go pick them downstream, just behind his bar. When the guy with the strange eyes and shot, I knew that we were going to have a beer jam and I called you, just like he told me to.

POTSIE: Traffic, eh? You’ll explain that to the cops. Now, let’s get rid of these bottles before we have a meltdown on our hands. Fonziebird 4, let’s get rid of that bunch of beer bottles!

RICHIE: F.O.N.Z!

Richie uses Fonziebird 4’s grab to move just a few bottles, the master ones that seem to cause the whole blockage. After just 3 out of the way, the others follow, half of them crashing on the submarine or on the sides on the coolant pipe, spilling the alcoholic liquid in the already polluted waters of the Springfield river.

Meanwhile, inside the power plant, the poor mighty atom is trapped in a corner, facing the Mighty Homer.

HOMER'S BRAIN: Hey, look! A mouse, hehehehehe! Look at it go! Lisa would like it and if I bring it back to her, maybe she’ll stop being so mad at me for the time I screwed her saxomophone on the garden hose and used it to wash the car because I couldn't take Flanders's hose handle…

So, Homer takes the mouse and puts it in his pocket.

POTSIE: Mr Simpson, Mr Gumble, now that the power plant is safe, I think you've got a few things to explain to the police.

Of course, to say that, Potsie never met the “professional” and “efficient” officers of the Springfield police department before! He goes right to them, with the two guys who were not even struggling but there is nothing to divert their attention…from those drunken three-eyed fish in the river, after the beer spill.

CHIEF WIGGUM: Oh, aren’t they funny? Oh! Look at that one, Lou! Just like you at that party we had with the guys in the slammer.

POTSIE: Okay, guys, I’m a rescuer, not a police officer. I believe you’re off the hook, you two.

HOMER: WOO HOO, I’m off to Moe’s!

The two guys, who had seemed so out of shape, are running to their watering hole while Fonziebird 4 surfaces and Richie gets out of it.

RICHIE: Golly gee! Drunks, beer bottles, stupid police officers, do you think dad'll believe us, Potsie?

POTSIE: I don’t know if I believe it myself and I don’t want to try it on Dad. We’ll just say the plant was deserted and that the coolant duct was clogged with weed. It’s all lies but it sounds more compelling to me.

The next day, the Candy Man has his mouse back unaware of it's little detour through Homer’s pocket. Excited, he immediately put the tiny film on the projector. It isn't control boards or any high tech wonders that he sees but faces, ugly and drunk faces, lying on a bar among empty beer bottles.

All guy on the pictures is Homer and his beer drinking buddies at Moe’s, completely drunk and as usual when the Candy Man is not pleased with the results of his evil plans, the rage has to come out. That time, it came out on the Mighty Atom, that gets out of there a total loss, of absolutely no use.

THE END