Cake Queen

[miss landers]

Let Them Eat Cake! (from the 2nd season of LITB)

PROLOGUE. Friday. Late afternoon. The Cleaver kitchen. June is putting the finishing touches on a gorgeous, multi-layered chocolate cake. The cake has a dazzling professionalism.

"We're home, Mom!" Beaver and Wally shout as they rush through the side door.

June looks up. "Hello, boys!" she chirps, "Wash your hands. Your father just got home and we'll be eating in a few minutes." She drops her pastry bag and hurries into the dining room with a handful of silverware and a pile of artfully folded napkins.

The boys are left alone. "Hey, Beav! Look at this cake!" Wally groans with awe, "Mom sure knows how to make them, doesn't she?"

"She sure does!" Beaver says, smacking his lips. "I'm gonna marry Mom when I grow up."

Wally laughs. "Don't be a goof, Beav! Dad's married to Mom!" The boys hurry away to wash up.

SCENE 1. Forty minutes later. The Cleaver dining room. The family is finishing dinner. June rises, gathers a few dishes, and disappears into the kitchen.

Ward touches the corners of his mouth with the edge of his napkin. "Well, boys, the moment we've been long awaiting has arrived!" he chirps with a wink to the boys, "Dessert coming up!"

"Hunks o' cake!" Beaver laughs, "I didn't eat my sprouts 'cause I wanted lots of stomach room for cake!"

June returns to the dining room with a can of peaches and four dessert bowls.

Beaver's little face twists into a grimace. "Gee, Mom! Ain't we gonna have cake?" he whines.

"Aren't we going to have cake, Beaver," June corrects him.

"Yeah, Mom! That's what I said! Ain't we having cake?"

"We're having canned peaches for dessert, Beaver," June says, "Don't they look delicious?"

"I don't want canned peaches," Beaver pouts, "Canned peaches are for lunch in the school cafeteria!"

"June, I don't want peaches either," Ward says, "I was ... well, we all were expecting hunks of that scrumptious-looking chocolate cake!"

"That cake is my entry in the Mayfield Ladies Society's 12th Annual Cake Contest tomorrow afternoon. Sorry, but that cake is off limits, boys! Now ... eat your peaches."

The boys grumble and down their humble desserts.

SCENE 2. Saturday. Late afternoon. The kitchen. June flies through the side door carrying an empty cake stand. "Ward, Ward!" she screams breathlessly.

Ward enters from the living room. "June, what's wrong?" he cries.

"Oh, Ward! I've just arrived home from the Cake Contest. Guess what?! I won! I won the Cake Contest!"

"Congratulations, dear!" Ward says, "That's wonderful!"

"And not only that," June continues, "But Regina Hanover, (she's the chairwoman of the Mayfield Ladies' Society, Ward) placed an order for a cake. Other ladies placed orders, too ... Mrs. Latham, Mrs. Westbrook, Mrs. Collier, and ... oh, my goodness! Regina's cake must be baked and decorated before 3 PM tomorrow afternoon. She wants to serve it to her dinner guests!"

June looks worried. "Ward, I'm going to be so busy baking tonight and cake decorating tomorrow I don't know when I'll have the time to cook dinner for you and the boys! ... Ward Dear, could you drop down to Fulton's Fish House and bring home enough fried fish for dinners tonight and tomorrow?"

Ward looks a bit peeved. "Well, I suppose I could," he drawls. June smiles with gratitude and gives Ward a peck on the cheek. She turns, ties on an apron, and begins gathering her baking utensils.

"Oh, Ward! Please stop at the grocery while you're out," June bubbles, "I need 2 pounds of confectioner's sugar, 2 pounds of unsweetened baking chocolate and some 14" paper doilies." June peeks in the refrigerator. "And a dozen eggs, too!"

Ward casts a glance colored with a bit of husbandly resentment at his wife, shrugs his shoulders, opens the door, and leaves for the Fish House and the grocery store.

SCENE 3. Monday. 8 AM. The Cleaver living room. June is chatting with great animation on the telephone. Ward enters from the kitchen carrying his briefcase. He is prepared to leave for work.

June finishes her telephone conversation and turns to Ward with excitement in her eyes.

"Oh, Ward! Guess what? Regina Hanover served my cake to her dinner guests last evening - and they loved it! One of Regina's guests was Grant Chappell, the television producer ... and I can hardly believe it, but Mr. Chappell wants ME - ME, of all people! - to star in his new TV cooking show! He just called to give me the details! He wants to film right here in our kitchen! He wants to call the show 'June's Kitchen!' Oh, Ward, isn't it too wonderful?!"

Ward looks uncomfortable. "Er, yes, June ... it is 'too wonderful' as you say ... and, er, I suppose you won't be able to cook a decent meal for the family tonight. I suppose you'll want me to trot down to Fulton's Fish House again. For fried fish. We had fried fish dinners Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. It's Monday and apparently we're going to have fried fish dinners again because you're going to be a big TV star. Is that right?"

"Oh, Ward, you wouldn't mind, would you? The show is going to begin filming here tomorrow and I want to scour the kitchen from top to bottom. I should organize my pots, pans, and utensils, I should launder my aprons, cut some fresh flowers, and set out my best tea towels. Oh, Ward! This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me! Please be patient. Please humor me - just this once. It won't be forever."

Ward sighs; he's momentarily sorry he has shown such testiness with his wife. June gives Ward with a peck on the cheek. "Thank you, Ward," she says. June sails into the kitchen to begin her preparations. Ward opens the front door and leaves for work looking confused and resentful.

SCENE 4. Thursday evening about 5 PM. The Cleaver kitchen. The television crew has finished filming for the day and has departed. A large television camera sits in the center of the room, director's chairs and stools are here and there, cables and cords are strewn about, and studio lights are scattered around the room. June is nowhere to be seen - she has retired exhausted to her bed.

Ward and the boys are standing in the kitchen doorway gazing bitterly at the TV equipment.

"This place is a mess, Dad," Wally groans, "I don't feel like I live here anymore. I bumped into that spotlight thing in the dark last night and got a goose egg on my forehead."

"Mom doesn't have time for us anymore," Beaver grumbles, "When Mom isn't filming for the TV show, she's selling homemade cakes to her lady friends. We haven't had a good dinner in a week - and we're not going to have one tonight either! We're going to have one of those crummy fish dinners again."

"I don't think I can eat another one of those fish dinners, Dad," Wally grunts, "They're giving me cramps. My stools are full of grease."

"Boys, I understand your anger perfectly," Ward sighs wearily, "This is the third day those TV people have been in the house to film their cooking shows and they plan to come back for two shows next week and two more shows the following week. And who knows how many times after that! This TV show stuff and Mom's cake baking business for her friends are making a mess of our homelife. But I don't know quite what to do about it because I hate to ruin your mother's happiness."

Wally grumbles. "Mom is happy but everybody else is miserable. Is it fair that one person is happy and three people are unhappy? I'm ready to find a new mom!"

"Now, Wally, you know you don't want a new mom," Ward answers, "But you've given me an idea ... As you know, my job is to put a roof over our heads and food on the table; your mother's is to take care of everything under that roof and to cook the food I put on the table. Well, I guess she wants to have her cake and to eat it, too. Boys, I've got a plan to straighten your mother out - to get her back on track and doing her job again." Ward smiles sagely and winks to the boys.

SCENE 5. Friday evening about 5 PM. The Cleaver kitchen. June is alone and standing before the TV camera playfully practicing graceful hand gestures. A knock at the side door startles her. She steps toward the door.

Ward rushes into the kitchen with the boys. "June, stand aside! We'll get it!"

Ward opens the door. An attractive woman (played by Zsa Zsa Gabor in her LITB debut) is seen standing outside the door carrying a cardboard box.

"Well, hello, Miss de la Rue!" Ward chirps, "Come in. These are my sons Wally and Beaver. They're starving! Heheh! The dining room is this way." Ward and the boys usher Miss de la Rue into the dining room.

Ward returns to the kitchen. He opens a cupboard and grabs a stack of plates.

"Ward, what is going on?" June asks. "Who is that woman?"

"Oh, her name is Fantine de la Rue," Ward responds, "She prepares dinners for people too busy to prepare their own. She's a caterer! I found her name in the newspaper. Tonight she's brought us coq au vin, tossed salad, and lemon pudding. Tomorrow she's bringing a pot roast, biscuits, and cherry pie. Then she said something about lasagna, garlic bread, and spumoni for Saturday night. Come along, dear, you must be hungry. Here, take these plates. I'll bring the silverware in a moment." June takes the plates in a wordless daze and passes into the dining room like a zombie.

Miss de la Rue enters the kitchen. "Mr. Cleaver, your boys are zimply vonderful. Beaver is so precious and Vally is a dreamboat. Vally says he just learned zee 'Twist.' He showed me his moves (as he calls zem) ... and, oh! he dances like zee pro!"

Ward laughs. "Wally loves to dance, Miss de la Rue! I envy him! But my dancing days are over. I'm too old for the new fangled dances!"

"Oh, nonsense!" Miss de la Rue laughs, "You're only as old as you veel!" She begins twisting, "Come on, Mr. Cleaver! It goes like this! You can do it!" Ward begins twisting with Miss de la Rue. "Zat's it," Miss de la Rue cries, "You're a natural, Mr. Cleaver!" Their gyrations become sexier. Miss de la Rue waggles her fanny at Ward. Ward chuckles lustily.

June enters the kitchen. Her jaw hits the floor. She gathers herself and takes command. "Miss de la Rue, thank you for your efforts on our behalf but we won't be needing your services either tonight or in the future. Good night and goodbye!"

Ward looks sheepish and says nothing. He digs into his pocket and hands Fantine $20. He opens the door and Miss de la Rue departs.

June says nothing to her husband. She opens the dining room door. "Boys, come in here!" she calls sternly. Wally and Beaver enter the kitchen. "What is it, Mom?" they warble.

"I want you to help your father move all this TV stuff - the camera, the stools, the cords and cables, the spotlights - to the garage. I'm calling Mr. Chappell at once and cancelling any further TV production in this house. My family needs a full time wife and mother - not a TV star!"

June leaves the kitchen to make her telephone call. Ward and the boys watch her sail through the door, then exchange winks with each other. Things have returned to normal in the Cleaver home.

EPILOGUE. Later that evening. Ward and June's bedroom. June is in bed but awake. She is staring wistfully at the ceiling. Ward comes from the master bath in his pyjamas and sits on the edge of her bed.

"June, it was a big decision you made this evening," Ward says, "It must have been difficult for you to give up your life as a TV star and a businesswoman."

"Yes, Ward, it was," June begins, "And I hope you appreciate it. I truly loved what I was doing."

"Oh, I do, dear, I appreciate your decision, your tremendous sacrifice," Ward says, "And the boys do, too."

Ward takes June in his arms. "Darling, it's good to have you home!" Ward whispers as he nuzzles her neck.

"It's good to be home!" June sighs as she takes Ward into her embrace.

Ward reaches up and turns the lamp off.

The End.

Below: Zsa Zsa Gabor as Miss de la Rue, the cateress in "Let Them Eat Cake!" After her appearance on LITB, Miss Gabor appeared as a guest on numerous TV talk shows. Miss Gabor is best remembered today for playing Tolleia in the sci-fi feature film "The Queen of Outer Space."