There are so many, but this one comes to mind:

Dan: [yelling at Darlene] I thought you were kidnapped!!

Darlene: I hate this! I wish I really was kidnapped. [walks up the stairs]

Roseanne: Well, maybe if you'll leave your window open tonight, you'll get lucky.

:lol:

I had some more, but I can't remember at this moment.... :o I will post when I remember them.... :D

What are yours? :confused:

I liked it one episode where Roseanne said something like "Go out and play in traffic!" LOL I also love it whenever Becky 1 would scream "Mother!" like in the mall episode where Roseanne says to them teenagers "Hey have you heard the new Pink Nipple album?" and then Becky turns to her with the big eye look and screams "Mother!"

From "Mall Story":

Becky: [moves over from Roseanne when she sits next to her after being rejected from buying the dress she wanted for the school dance]
Roseanne: I was just wondering if you were sitting here thinking what to get me for Mother's Day. :lol:

Originally posted by swedeace
From "Mall Story":

Becky: [moves over from Roseanne when she sits next to her after being rejected from buying the dress she wanted for the school dance]
Roseanne: I was just wondering if you were sitting here thinking what to get me for Mother's Day. :lol:

:rofl: I love that line!

Jackie: Hey Roseanne, tell me you're employed!
Roseanne: Hey Jackie, tell me you're married!

From the Episode "The Dark Ages":
(Dan) : I'm afraid If I leave Darlene and David alone, they'll fool around and make out like Becky and Mark...
(Roseanne) : Don't worry....Mark had a dangerous, sexy, bad boy image..... this is just David.....
(Dan) : Good point...Your right.....

From the episode "Death and Stuff":
(Roseanne) : Did you get the Baklava??
(Darlene) : Yup
(Jackie) : 1 bag of Bak, 1 bag of Lava.
*
( I don't know why, but that quote seems to crack me up...)


From the episode "Workin Overtime"
(Booker) : I have an important announcement
(Roseanne) : What??....That your a woman trapped in a man's body??


From the episode "Lobocop":
(Drunk Man) : You know whats the problem with women today???? They don't know how to read Maps.
(Roseanne) : Oh, that's because only men can understand that one inch equals a hundred miles.

From the episode "Guilt by Dissassociation":
(Muriel) : Sometimes, Vonda is so perky, I just wanna drive a nail right through her head...
(Roseanne) : Well, now I see why your in Personnel.

From "Like, a Virgin":
(Becky) : I was with my boyfriend.....
(Darlene) : Were you kissing him and Making out with him??
(Becky) : Yeah... But you wouldn't know... You are such a virgin.
(Darlene) : Did you get felt up??
(Becky) : No.
(Darlene) : Oh.... I Did!

From "Pretty in Black":
(Crystal) : You Get Orgasms??!!??

From "Toto, We're not in Kansas Anymore"
(Jackie) : Roseanne, I wanna live...
(Roseanne) : .......................THINK IT OVER!!!!

From "Suck up or Shut up":
(Roseanne) : ELIJAH MINELLI

From "The Monday Through Friday Show"
(Jackie) : You know what my idea of the perfect Honeymoon is??
(Roseanee) : Let me guess??.......Mel Gibson and a stick of butter??

From "The Fifties Show":
(Mark) : Tip Toppity!!

From "Single Married Female":
(Roseanne) : You may have noticed I was not in this episode tonight, but have no fear, I will still be paid...

From "We're in the Money"
(Roseanne) : I wasn't that interested into getting layered.

From "Becky Howser M.D.":
(Becky) : I'm too old to go to college... I'm 21 years old...
(Roseanne) : You might be too old to marry Jerry Seinfeld, but you are never too old to go to college!!

"Pretty In Black"

This line got me....

Jackie: Her 16 birthday. You guys are going to do something special for her aren't you..

Roseanne: You mean pushing her big head through my loins wasn't enough.
:lol:


Dan's reaction was also very funny!!!!

I love that tag with Roseanne where she says that! This show has the best tags.ost shows go with a simple tag involving plot afterthoughts, but Roseanne went all out and make it hilarious and special. Some episodes, it was the best thing.

In The Dark Ages
After Power goes out
Roseanne: Well middle class was fun

Darlene: Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.
Dan: I don't think that'll work.

In Lies
Roseanne:I'm going to the big house Dan

In Let them Eat Junk
Jackie: Smartass high school dropout, Tralier Trash, Dark Clothes wearing, Boyfriends in the basement, to soon sex doing, four letter wording, hoodlum oreos eaters. Thats what you all are the whole family and you, you are the oreoist.

In My name is Bev
Jackie: We can't go in there, she's in there!...Bev! ...Beverage!... Non-alcoholic Beverage is in there!

Episode: "Be My Baby"

Bev: Whenever I'd get frustrated when I was pregnant with you two, I would just have a little whine.

Jackie: Can you believe she drank while she was pregnant with us?

Roseanne: Oh relax Jackie, after a few months in there we probably needed a couple of shots! :lol:

Episode: "Labor Day"

Jackie: Whatcha laughin at DJ?

DJ: Oh nothing. Its just that Grandma says your baby is gonna be a bastard!

Episode: Not sure but I think its Season 1

Darlene: You guys think that we don't get your corny little sex jokes!

Roseanne: You kids are our corny little sex jokes!

Episode: I don't know

Roseane: Dating is like hunting, you get lucky you go home early!

the episode where Roseanne wants to spend time with D.J. after she fired him from the Lunchbox.

Roseanne: Now you know I don't approve of sex and violence in movies so your going to have to pick one or the other. :lol:

The show where Roseanne/Jackie and friends are playing truth or dare, and Roseanne has to go out to the garage and flash Dan but he is visiting with their new neighbor who sees her topless and says...

"You sure know how to make a guy feel welcome"

In Punch and Jimmy
Dan: Thats a really good horse drawing.
David: Well it supposed symbolize the inner spirit inside everyone that they don't show.
Dan: Do he have a name?

In the tornado episode.

Roseanne: (To Darlene) You're grounded until menopause.
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's.

dj:(talking about vcr) I can't get this damn thing to work!
Roseanne: where did you get language like that, it's called a VCR

Episode "Happy Birthday"

[Becky and Darlene are watching a rock music video, and Dan is observing the video]

Dan: What's the name of this group?
Becky: The Splitting Headaches.
Dan: What's the name of this song?
Darlene: "Pounding."
Dan: So, basically, we're listening to the pounding by the splitting headaches?

I love that one!! :lol:

Roseanne: Oh, you drew a picture, theres me and daddy and Becky and you, and whats this?
Dj: Thats darlene
Roseanne: It looks like a bunch of flowers
Dj: Thats her grave

(About Mark)
Darlene: It's pretty dark out, maybe he thought he was sleeping

Becky: Look what I found!
Darlene: Your virginity, No wait, you left that behind the dumpster at K-Mart.

Becky: All I have to do is count to 10
Darlene: Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down

So many funny lines, hard to pick just one but here I go.

Darlene: It's not that I hate you Becky, it's that I hate all vegetables.
Becky: Well you're the vegetarien Darlene, eat me.
That one always has me in tears.

Thought of another one I have always liked.
Roseanne: Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.

Dan:What are you gonna do, quit your job and put her in box and watch her all day?
Roseanne:No Dan, im gonna put her on top of the television so you can watch her all day! :lol:

Thought of another one that popped into my head:

Episode - "Don't Kiss, Don't Tell" (I may not have the title correct, but anyway)
[The part when Jackie freaks out about going to a gay bar and dancing with Nancy]

Roseanne: "Oh, relax, Jackie! Nancy's not a man. She can control herself!"

(after Becky and Darlene figure out Jackie is purposely trying to worry them about Roseanne and Dan being out late)

Darlene: Still no sign of them, eh?
Jackie: I gotta admit guys, I'm starting to get worried.
Becky: That's it. I'm calling the police.
Jackie: No, no, no, we can't do that.
Becky: Why not?
Jackie: Well, you'd have to say that it was a missing person's...thing. And, uh, they...don't like that.

:lol:

Roseanne-Im a people person :lol:

my favorite quote is from the ep "Brain Dead Poet Society," the poem To Whom it Concerns that Darlene wrote (i like it so much ive memorized it!)

Darlene:
To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late,
it fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate...
To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this,
and I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this...
To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment,
maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement...
To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball,
but guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall...
To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen,
too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen...
To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel,
when I get blindsided my pain is quite real...
I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns...
I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns...

my favorite quote is from the ep "Brain Dead Poet Society," the poem To Whom it Concerns that Darlene wrote (i like it so much ive memorized it!)

Darlene:
To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late,
it fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate...
To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this,
and I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this...
To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment,
maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement...
To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball,
but guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall...
To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen,
too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen...
To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel,
when I get blindsided my pain is quite real...
I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns...
I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns...
Yeah, that is a really good poem!

From the episode with the nudist neighbors:

Roseanne: [giving a tour of her house to the neighbors] And here's our bedroom with our window. And right about now, we have a lovely view of Uranus (your anus).

--

Skip & Irene: [hsyterical after Roseanne reveals herself shirtless to the them] And believe me, we'll plant that hedge and let the neighbors know just what kind of people you are.
Roseanne: It's too late! They already know!

:lol:

Jackie: "Dan when something is leaking you don't apply pressure to it"

Darlene: "DJ, you want to know why I curse so much, shut the hell up"

* From the episode where DJ goes on his first date with Lisa, the 12-year-old bossy girl who is so Roseanne-like.

Lisa: [as they are walking out the door] Come on, DJ!

DJ: [as he is walking out] Dad, please don't make me go....

Jackie: What....was that?

Dan: I don't know, but the dark prince takes many forms!

:lol:

Jackie [to Roseanne talking about their failures]: Maybe I haven't found the right guy yet, and you haven't found the wrong doughnut.

:lol:

Haha... I'm just in a quotable Roseanne frenzy!! I love a lot of the quotes from that show!!

Roseanne was full of the funniest quotes!

From what I can remember:

"Ladies' Choice"
(when Nancy comes out of the closet)

Darlene: "Whoa! How did you find out, did she tell you?!"
Roseanne: "Nooo! We saw the 'I'm A Big Ol' Dyke' bumper sticker on her car

"One For The Road"

Becky (Having a hangover): "Just go downstairs."
Darlene: "You mean for some buttery buckwheat pancakes and sausage?"

"Kansas City, Here We Come"
(referring to Jackie's denial over her father cheating)
Roseanne: "Knock, knock"
Jackie: "Who's there?"
Roseanne: "Cleopatra!"
Jackie: "Cleopatra who?"
Roseanne: "Cleopatra, Queen of De Nile!"

"Confessions"
Bev: "You know Darlene, since your sister's so popular, she can teach you a few pointers!"
Darlene: "Well if she's so popular, just ask which one of us got felt up."

"Wait Till Your Father Gets Home"
Jackie: "I can't call people!"
Roseanne: "Jackie, Dial!"
Jackie: "I'm supposed to be in mourning!"
Roseanne: "Then wear a veil over your head while you do it."

"Homeward Bound"
DJ:"I got mad at him, so I went home and played by myself"
Darlene: (About to say a joke)
Roseanne (To Darlene): "Count to ten!"

"The Dark Ages"
David: "When are you gonna have light again?"
Roseanne: "Oh, just as soon as the sun comes back around the earth!"

"Good Girls, Bad Girls"
(Darlene refering to being offered pot)
Darlene: "Aw man, I feel like I'm in the middle of a really bad after school special."

"Toto, We're Not In Kansas Anymore"
Becky: "But, I got to call Dianne and let her know I'm not coming."
Roseanne: "You can tell her when her house flies by our window."

Roseanne: "Well, what's the worst that can happen? The tornado picks up our house and slams in a better neighborhood."

**Quotes not verbatum**

Darlene: Will Dad have a 3rd cup of coffee?
Becky: Will mom get off the sofa by noon?
Roseanne: Will you get the hell out of my house?

the episode where dj goes out with lisa

lisa: who gets drunk and cuts this family's hair?

snoop davey dave (?)

darlene: if you find anything that looks like a stamp, don't lick it

episode where dan and roseanne smoke pot

roseanne: whatdoyouwantdj?!

there was another episode where i believe roseanne was lecturing jackie about drinking when things go wrong...... i forget

Jackie: well why don't you have another shot of pancake roseanne?

and the leadup to the line about chocolate air was great but i don't remember it very well

the episode where dj is busted for masturbating

roseanne: these are my old cosmos.....that would make me his dealer.

darlene: i heard dj got caught playing his instrument in band
dj: i'm not in band stupid

also, see my signiture

Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it, or really, really bad at it!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?


Roseanne: What's the worst that can happen? So the tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

Darlene: No, I'm serious: I think we should get married.
David: Oh, I get it, now you're gonna tell me you're kidding.
Darlene: Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.
David: When? How? Where?
Darlene: My first guess would be Disney World.
David: You mean... that night after the fireworks?
Darlene: Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.

Becky: No one could eat this crud.
Dan: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.

D.J.: Do we have to go in the Big and Fat store?
Dan: That's Big and TALL, DJ.

Roseanne: Welcome to Roseannadu.

Roseanne: Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.

[why Mark didn't hurry to get to the Connor's house]
Mark: I didn't think there was a dinner time here. I thought it was just grazin' 24 hours a day.

And my favorite of all!!!

D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

((got all of these from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094540/quotes ))