TJL
01-02-2004, 12:40 AM
Hey folks, TJL here, and this is the 2003 Hawkeye Awards, the phoniest award show since the Golden Globes.
Now we come to our “Viewer’s Choice Award” for Most Annoyingly Overexposed Celebrity Couple. Our hard working staff has just finished tabulating the votes, crunching the numbers, and ordering my lunch and we have a winner!
It’s really no surprise who walked away with this award folks. This Hollywood ubercouple has been talked about so much you would have to be a fugitive dictator hiding in a hole underneath a sheepherder’s hovel for the past year to not be swept up in the publicity whirlwind that is Bennifer.
That’s right, Ben Affleck and his pretty Puerto Rican paramour Jennifer Lopez share a name now. Bet you didn’t know that. And what else don’t we know about America’s sweethearts, this canoodling couple with good hair and bad movies?
Glad I asked that, because we’ve prepared this little bit of comedy to bring you up to speed.
TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT BENNIFER
10. Combined entourages are larger than the entire population of Rhode Island
9. He sang backup on all her albums.
8. They once shot an “Access Hollywood” intern just to watch him die.
7. She uses his Academy Award statue to tenderize meat for her delicious “Flank Steak ala J-Lo”
6. Recently had his entire blood supply replaced with Jen’s “Glow” perfume.
5. Spent millions of dollars combing the earth in an unsuccessful attempt to find one person who enjoyed “Gigli.”
4. Currently making arrangements to adopt Matt Damon.
3. One more wedding and her next one is free.
2. Last name? Lopleck.
1. Eight Limbs. Four eyes. One brain.
Well folks, we’ve come to the final award of the evening, the Person Of The Year.
This year, a special little gal caught the attention of the world with her style, her grace, and her stupid, stupid antics.
So I would like to close out the 2003 Hawkeye Awards with a song I wrote especially For our Person Of The Year:
Ahem…
“P” is for your pornographic movie,
“A” is for the ass you proudly show.
“R” is for your really out there clothing,
Which doesn’t stay on long as we all know.
“I” is for your idiot way of thinking,
“S” is for the star that you will be…
Put then all together, and they spell “Paris,”
Paris Hilton, you’re the only gal for me!!!!!
Congrats Miss Hilton! May your ridiculous life bring us many years of entertainment.
Well folks, that wraps up another Hawkeye Awards! Special thanks to my special guests Adam West, Sheila E, William Shatner, funnyman Jeff Foxworthy and the Sitcoms Online Orchestra! Until next time, this is TJL saying good night, toodle loo and will the owner of a green Toyota Camry please move, you're blocking me in.
;)
Now we come to our “Viewer’s Choice Award” for Most Annoyingly Overexposed Celebrity Couple. Our hard working staff has just finished tabulating the votes, crunching the numbers, and ordering my lunch and we have a winner!
It’s really no surprise who walked away with this award folks. This Hollywood ubercouple has been talked about so much you would have to be a fugitive dictator hiding in a hole underneath a sheepherder’s hovel for the past year to not be swept up in the publicity whirlwind that is Bennifer.
That’s right, Ben Affleck and his pretty Puerto Rican paramour Jennifer Lopez share a name now. Bet you didn’t know that. And what else don’t we know about America’s sweethearts, this canoodling couple with good hair and bad movies?
Glad I asked that, because we’ve prepared this little bit of comedy to bring you up to speed.
TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT BENNIFER
10. Combined entourages are larger than the entire population of Rhode Island
9. He sang backup on all her albums.
8. They once shot an “Access Hollywood” intern just to watch him die.
7. She uses his Academy Award statue to tenderize meat for her delicious “Flank Steak ala J-Lo”
6. Recently had his entire blood supply replaced with Jen’s “Glow” perfume.
5. Spent millions of dollars combing the earth in an unsuccessful attempt to find one person who enjoyed “Gigli.”
4. Currently making arrangements to adopt Matt Damon.
3. One more wedding and her next one is free.
2. Last name? Lopleck.
1. Eight Limbs. Four eyes. One brain.
Well folks, we’ve come to the final award of the evening, the Person Of The Year.
This year, a special little gal caught the attention of the world with her style, her grace, and her stupid, stupid antics.
So I would like to close out the 2003 Hawkeye Awards with a song I wrote especially For our Person Of The Year:
Ahem…
“P” is for your pornographic movie,
“A” is for the ass you proudly show.
“R” is for your really out there clothing,
Which doesn’t stay on long as we all know.
“I” is for your idiot way of thinking,
“S” is for the star that you will be…
Put then all together, and they spell “Paris,”
Paris Hilton, you’re the only gal for me!!!!!
Congrats Miss Hilton! May your ridiculous life bring us many years of entertainment.
Well folks, that wraps up another Hawkeye Awards! Special thanks to my special guests Adam West, Sheila E, William Shatner, funnyman Jeff Foxworthy and the Sitcoms Online Orchestra! Until next time, this is TJL saying good night, toodle loo and will the owner of a green Toyota Camry please move, you're blocking me in.
;)