TJL
12-28-2003, 10:22 PM
Live from the Don Ho Room at the fabulous Secaucus Marriott Hotel, it’s the 2003 Hawkeye Awards!
Featuring George Forman, George Clooney, George Segal, Phyllis George, Georgia Engel, Engleburt Humperdink, and that Sarah chick from “Joe Millionaire.”
And now here’s your host, a man who looks like a pump but feels like a sneaker…TJL!
Thank You! Welcome to the 2003 Hawkeye Awards!
It is a great pleasure to be here once again, to bestow upon some lucky folks the coveted Benjamin Franklin Pierce Trophy of Excellence, which can be redeemed at any Jiffy Lube for a free oil change and the air freshener of your choice.
Boy oh boy 2003 has been an eventful year.
So many things have happened, it was hard to keep track.
There was that movie that we saw, the TV show about that guy and the thing, and that time when something happened and we all talked about it.
We wish we could give all of you newsmakers and rumpshakers an award, but trophies cost money, and there’s no way I’m going to buy more sparkles and elbow macaroni.
So let’s kick the tires and light some fires!
The Hawkeye for Best Public Display Of Affection goes to none other than Britney Spears and Madonna for their MTV Video Music Award Sapphic spit swap. Leave it to America’s favorite Mother and Daughter to turn a perfectly wholesome awards show into a circus.
A sexy, sweaty, feels so good kind of circus...
Anyhoo, after the hoopla died down, the publicity shy pair then went back into hiding, with Britney surfacing every once and a while to be photographed smoking and shopping while The Material Girl went back to writing children’s books and pretending to be British.
Best Non Magic Trick By A Magician – The Hawkeye goes to former street magician David Blaine, who laid in a plastic box for a few weeks while we all looked at him.
Ta-Daaaaa!
Outstanding Dave! Who would have thought lying down for weeks at a time would be so fantastic! Hate to tell you this David, but a guy I know did the same thing years ago.
He called it “getting mono!”
For the Outstanding Achievement In Parenting, the Hawkeye goes to singer/actress/drug sponge Courtney Love, who made sure her daughter Francis Bean had the best darn time a child could have while the cops were busting down the door to arrest her for yet another public display of drugged up stupidity. So kids, the next time Mommy or Daddy has to go away for three to six months, remember what Courtney said, prison is fun!
We have to take a break now folks, but we’ll be back with more Awards and more special guests, like Richard Dreyfuss, Richard Chaimberlain, Denise Richards, Michael Richards, Little Richard, and the cast of the American version of “Coupling,” who will be coming around to take your drink orders, when the 2003 Hawkeye Awards continues…
;)
Featuring George Forman, George Clooney, George Segal, Phyllis George, Georgia Engel, Engleburt Humperdink, and that Sarah chick from “Joe Millionaire.”
And now here’s your host, a man who looks like a pump but feels like a sneaker…TJL!
Thank You! Welcome to the 2003 Hawkeye Awards!
It is a great pleasure to be here once again, to bestow upon some lucky folks the coveted Benjamin Franklin Pierce Trophy of Excellence, which can be redeemed at any Jiffy Lube for a free oil change and the air freshener of your choice.
Boy oh boy 2003 has been an eventful year.
So many things have happened, it was hard to keep track.
There was that movie that we saw, the TV show about that guy and the thing, and that time when something happened and we all talked about it.
We wish we could give all of you newsmakers and rumpshakers an award, but trophies cost money, and there’s no way I’m going to buy more sparkles and elbow macaroni.
So let’s kick the tires and light some fires!
The Hawkeye for Best Public Display Of Affection goes to none other than Britney Spears and Madonna for their MTV Video Music Award Sapphic spit swap. Leave it to America’s favorite Mother and Daughter to turn a perfectly wholesome awards show into a circus.
A sexy, sweaty, feels so good kind of circus...
Anyhoo, after the hoopla died down, the publicity shy pair then went back into hiding, with Britney surfacing every once and a while to be photographed smoking and shopping while The Material Girl went back to writing children’s books and pretending to be British.
Best Non Magic Trick By A Magician – The Hawkeye goes to former street magician David Blaine, who laid in a plastic box for a few weeks while we all looked at him.
Ta-Daaaaa!
Outstanding Dave! Who would have thought lying down for weeks at a time would be so fantastic! Hate to tell you this David, but a guy I know did the same thing years ago.
He called it “getting mono!”
For the Outstanding Achievement In Parenting, the Hawkeye goes to singer/actress/drug sponge Courtney Love, who made sure her daughter Francis Bean had the best darn time a child could have while the cops were busting down the door to arrest her for yet another public display of drugged up stupidity. So kids, the next time Mommy or Daddy has to go away for three to six months, remember what Courtney said, prison is fun!
We have to take a break now folks, but we’ll be back with more Awards and more special guests, like Richard Dreyfuss, Richard Chaimberlain, Denise Richards, Michael Richards, Little Richard, and the cast of the American version of “Coupling,” who will be coming around to take your drink orders, when the 2003 Hawkeye Awards continues…
;)