...but nothing too vulgar, please.....

Here's one to get it started:

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "A shot of whiskey, and
have one for yourself!" The bartender, happy to oblige, pours two shots of
whiskey and the two men each down one. "That'll be seven-fifty," says the
bartender. "I haven't got a cent on me," grins the abortive customer. So
the bartender beats the living daylights out of him and throws him out of
the bar.

Two days later, the same guy walks in, and says to the bartender, "A shot of
whiskey, and have one for yourself!" Now, the bartender assumes that no
man'd want TWO such beatings, so he pours the two shots. "That'll be
seven-fifty," he says. "I haven't got a cent on me," says the customer
again. So the bartender smacks the living daylights out of him and throws
him out of the bar.

Two days later, in limps the exact same guy. "A shot of whiskey, please."
The bartender, angry but curious, asks, "Aren't you going to buy ME one?"
"I certainly am not," exclaims the patron, "you get violent when you drink!"

y did the chicken cross the road?












to get the other side!!! LOL LOL :lol: :lol: :lol: i am so good!

wanna hear a dirty joke?
the pig fell in the mud

wanna hear a clean joke?
the farmer hosed him off


LOL! ok, that sucked

"Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says-- "

Originally posted by Swimfan85
"Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says-- "
I don't think this was, "Begin a joke." See, now you've got me all curious as to how it turns out. Whole jokes, please.

Originally posted by BrandonS
I don't think this was, "Begin a joke." See, now you've got me all curious as to how it turns out. Whole jokes, please.

Haha I dont kno...its from the Breakfast club...

Bender falls through the ceiling so the joke is never finished

Originally posted by Swimfan85
Bender falls through the ceiling so the joke is never finished
That's absolutely fascinating. And now back to the jokes......

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

can I share a few priest jokes?

A peanut was walking down the street, it was assulted

2 guys walk into a bar and say ouch

Originally posted by Swimfan85
can I share a few priest jokes?
Go right ahead. St. Peter jokes are good too.

Whats Jenny Piccalo ( from Happy Days )'s phone number?
867-5309

Originally posted by King Istillgotit
Whats Jenny Piccalo ( from Happy Days )'s phone number?
867-5309

JEEEEEEENNNNNNY I GOT YOUR NUMBER I WANNA MAKE YOU MINE, JENNY DONT CHANGE YOUR NUMBER....867-5309

best blonde joke ever
clickhere (http://www.ataricommunity.com/forums/showthread.php?threadid=297714)

WARNING DON'T READ IF U ARE GOING TO BE OFFEND IN ANY WAY, THIS IS A PRIEST JOKE












































What did the mother say to the priest at the beach?

get out of my sun

!@!@!@!@!

what do mcdonalds and a priest have in common?

they stick their meat between 10 year old buns

roses are red
violets are blue
i am a skitzo
and so am i

The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a
limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the
chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have
much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes
the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what
the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the
red & blue lights of CHP in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper
comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a
moment please, need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the
chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled
over, and asks how should he handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" asks the chief. "No Sir!" replies the
trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" asks the
chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the
PRESIDENT??? asks the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the
trooper. "Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know
Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Alright! I've been waiting for this thread!


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

what do monica lewinsky and a soda machine have in common?

they both say insert bill.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he felt like it.

I'm so funny!!!!!!!!!!

why does my signature look like ****?

because we can't have normal codes in our signatures and I don't know how to fix it!

Originally posted by YearbookLoser
roses are red
violets are blue
i am a skitzo
and so am i
:clap:

why did the little girl use the restroom?

because she had to.

why did I eat the bread my mom purchased?

because I was hungry!

Why did the little boy get an erection?

Because he saw his mother naked! DUH!

Q: What is the #1 cause of Divorce?
A: Marriage.

there once was a girl named kristina
she ate a can of beans-uh
she liked to talk to me-uh
and ya... kewl.
i am kristina!!!

funniest one yet!!! :) :D :) :D :) :D :lol: :lol: :lol:

sooooooooo... what's everyone think of my jokes?

...ok...

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain.

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

Originally posted by M82A1
WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain.

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

:)

WHT Do cows do for fun? GO TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOVIES

One morning, a man hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later that day, he hears the voice again. Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Las Vegas."
The man can't take it anymore. The next day, he quits his job, sells his house, takes the money and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Place."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says "Go to the roulette table."
The man goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all the money on red 23."
He puts all the money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up 17 black.
The voice says, "Dammit!"

;)

Saddam's lookalikes are holding their monthly meeting.

"I have some good news and some bad news," the head lookalike, Bob, says to the group. "The good news is that Saddam survived the attacks. He's alive and well."

The group erupts in cheers and applause.

"The bad news is that he lost his right arm during one of his attacks..."

Originally posted by TJL
One morning, a man hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later that day, he hears the voice again. Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
"Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Las Vegas."
The man can't take it anymore. The next day, he quits his job, sells his house, takes the money and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Place."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says "Go to the roulette table."
The man goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all the money on red 23."
He puts all the money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up 17 black.
The voice says, "Dammit!"

;) LOL. I've got one too.

So, this guy, he owns the circus, right...?

Care to do the honors? ;) :p

Originally posted by Transit Whiz
LOL. I've got one too.

So, this guy, he owns the circus, right...?

Care to do the honors? ;) :p

By all means, go right ahead...

;)

most of you probably won't understand this

what's a Cape Bretenor?
a lost Newfie

To be fair, this post has at least one thing in it that's offensive to you. I'm an equal-opportunity offender.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do attorneys use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same compulsion that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest chest?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo."

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this *s--t*..."

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
2. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.
3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall. Don't get
off.
4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
5. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
them to call you Admiral.
6. Do Tai Chi exercises.
7. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I've got new socks on!"
8. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
9. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
10. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of
THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
11. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
12. Shadow box.
13. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
14. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
15. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
16. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
17. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Originally posted by AKA
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this *s--t*..."

:lol:

Originally posted by BrandonS
13. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

thats a fun one to do

Originally posted by Crimson_and_Clover
thats a fun one to do
I like making explosion noises whenever anyone presses a button.

or waiting for someone to get right up to the doors and then let them close. thats fun cause right as they close you can see that go to hell look on their face.

Originally posted by M82A1
WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain.

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!
Funny! And sadly, true.:)

Here's one I did before:
This baby seal walks into a club...




*drum hit*Get it?
Kind of sad but still funny.

Here's a couple more relatively sick ones:

Why are tunnels in France red?
Because they've got Di all over them!


What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Christopher Reeve in a house fire!

Originally posted by Sterling Holobyte
Why are tunnels in France red?
Because they've got Di all over them!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Originally posted by YearbookLoser
roses are red
violets are blue
i am a skitzo
and so am i

:lol:

I heard that one on that movie called What About Bob? Good movie. :p