TJL
12-29-2002, 12:04 AM
Welcome back folks, to the 74th Annual Hawkeye Awards, honoring the good, the bad and the ugly of 2002!
Now we turn our attention to the world of Movies and Television.
It’s been a fun year in showbiz, kids…well, not that much fun…maybe a little…. Okay, things were really sucky.
But as the song goes, you take the good; you take the bad, so without further ado…
Outstanding Achievement In Television
Ya know, many a times I have daydreamed about what it would be like to give former “Welcome Back Kotter” star Ron Palillo a right cross to the jaw. And once, I sat slumped on a barstool wondering what disgraced skating star and trailer park princess Tonya Harding was up to.
Well, thanks to FOX’s “Celebrity Boxing,” all those horrifying visions have all come true. We salute you FOX, with this years Hawkeye for Outstanding Achievements In TV. Keep those nightmares coming!
Now we move to la cinema, where two unique individuals left horrible, painful scars that will take many years to heal.
This years Hawkeye for Best Actor goes to Eddie Murphy, for “The Adventures Of Pluto Nash.” This mega dud cost one hundred million smackers to make and as of this morning grossed less than five million bucks! Our man Murphy laid quite a few eggs this year, between “Pluto Nash,” “I Spy” and “Showtime.” Let’s hope there’s another talking donkey cartoon in your future, otay Eddie?
Our next award goes to a woman with guts. A woman who despite quite a few cinamatic catastrophes, tries again and again to prove her critics wrong. A fighter, who in her delusional little mind, keeps scratching and clawing her way to movie stardom..
A woman who couldn’t act injured if you pushed her out of a moving car.
For her completely wooden performance as a completely wooden cast away in “Swept Away,” The Hawkeye for Best Actress goes to none other than Madonna, who with husband Guy Ritchie who directed “Swept Away,” are now the Bo and John Derek of the new millennium!
The 83rd Annual Hawkeye Awards will be back right after these words from T Mobile, McDonalds, and Vinnie's House Of Discount Wicker...
Stay tuned kids, the big finale is coming soon!
;)
Now we turn our attention to the world of Movies and Television.
It’s been a fun year in showbiz, kids…well, not that much fun…maybe a little…. Okay, things were really sucky.
But as the song goes, you take the good; you take the bad, so without further ado…
Outstanding Achievement In Television
Ya know, many a times I have daydreamed about what it would be like to give former “Welcome Back Kotter” star Ron Palillo a right cross to the jaw. And once, I sat slumped on a barstool wondering what disgraced skating star and trailer park princess Tonya Harding was up to.
Well, thanks to FOX’s “Celebrity Boxing,” all those horrifying visions have all come true. We salute you FOX, with this years Hawkeye for Outstanding Achievements In TV. Keep those nightmares coming!
Now we move to la cinema, where two unique individuals left horrible, painful scars that will take many years to heal.
This years Hawkeye for Best Actor goes to Eddie Murphy, for “The Adventures Of Pluto Nash.” This mega dud cost one hundred million smackers to make and as of this morning grossed less than five million bucks! Our man Murphy laid quite a few eggs this year, between “Pluto Nash,” “I Spy” and “Showtime.” Let’s hope there’s another talking donkey cartoon in your future, otay Eddie?
Our next award goes to a woman with guts. A woman who despite quite a few cinamatic catastrophes, tries again and again to prove her critics wrong. A fighter, who in her delusional little mind, keeps scratching and clawing her way to movie stardom..
A woman who couldn’t act injured if you pushed her out of a moving car.
For her completely wooden performance as a completely wooden cast away in “Swept Away,” The Hawkeye for Best Actress goes to none other than Madonna, who with husband Guy Ritchie who directed “Swept Away,” are now the Bo and John Derek of the new millennium!
The 83rd Annual Hawkeye Awards will be back right after these words from T Mobile, McDonalds, and Vinnie's House Of Discount Wicker...
Stay tuned kids, the big finale is coming soon!
;)