June: Eddie bear! Come in. Fred, Gwendolyn just called and said she wants you at home--dinner is ready.

Fred: June, I'm insulted. Turned away by a high school lad. Sad.

Eddie: Hi, June Bug! How's tricks?

June: Trix? I don't eat those kid cereals.

Eddie: June, you're such a card! Wally drew the long straw for sure!

June: Let me run my fingers through your curly head of hair. Such a refreshing change from oiling Freddie.

Eddie: Thanks, my sweet. Would you be a doll and whip me up some of those brownies? Don't use mayonnaise though, you know I'm still allergic.

June: Oh, dear! Thanks for reminding me, Eddie bear. But I wouldn't put that in brownies, anyway. (pause) How about a chicken salad sandwich first?

Eddie: Sounds delish!

(Evil June can't resist) June: I'll get you some. Excuse me a minute. I'll mix some up for you.

Later, Eddie having the sandwich: Junie, one question? How do you make sandwiches so moist without using mayonnaise?

June: Oh, no. I forgot! (giggles)

Eddie: My June Bug, how could you!? (sobs, runs home)

June (shouting after him): Don't you want your brownies? (mumbles after a pause) Oh, well, he'll be having brownies anyway. (then, an evil laugh...)

Wally: Hey, Mom, I'm home. Hey, I know Halloween is coming but why are you cackling like a crazy witch now? Did you hurt Eddie? He was running out of here like a bat out of um, the belfry.

June: He's trying out for the track team. Speaking of that, don't you have a practice or a meet or whatever you call it?

And if you're going upstairs, please send the Beaver down here. And if you're not, please do.

Wally: Sure, Witchy Poo, I mean Mom. Hey, Beaver, Witchy Poo, I mean Mom wants you!!!

June: Spit it out, boy! Come on, you can do it. Such a complicated thought.

Here's a thought--why don't you go see Eddie? You know how concerned we all are about him. (Wally leaves.)

Beaver, is there anything Wally is allergic too?

Beaver: Wally is allergic to witches! Are you a witch, Mom?

(Beaver exits.)

June (to no one in particular): Oh, heavens! I'm sick of all these males... (pause)

Now what can I do to them? Hmm...they think I'm a witch...I wonder what Angelique is doing...

Angelique knocks on the door.

June: Angel! How are you? Long time no see. What's brewing?

Angelique: June, Halloween is around the corner so I thought I'd stop by and see if you want me to whip up some magic to make your world better.

June: Honey, you sure came by at the right time. The men in my life are the pits. (pause) Hey, speaking of that, how about a dream curse? They can't wake up, and they dream they're falling down a bottomless put.

Angelique: Consider it done, done, and done. You know, that Ward is kind of a hunk for a fuddy duddy. Don't be too hard on him, Buttercup.

June: Well, OK. Just have him fall down the pit, but he can wake up.

Anyway, that's good for a start. What other dreams do you have in your bag of tricks?

Angelique: There's this really good one where a person gets eaten alive by a giant jar of mayonnaise. Know anyone I should use that one on?

June: I knew I liked you! Do it!!

My older son is such a goody-two-shoes. It actually makes me sick. Anyway, I wonder how he would be as a vampire. For one thing, I wouldn't have to see him during the day.

Angelique: Oh, Wally, he's so dreamy. I could turn him if you like. I'd enjoy a nibble on that nubile neck.

June: Could you whip up a casket to keep him in? He'd sure create a stir in this sleepy town.

Angelique: Yes, honey, I will whip up a casket for the charmer.

Is that bald man still getting you to oil his head for him? Fred Rutherford?

June: Yes. Why do you ask?

Angelique: I will give him a dream curse where he's boiling in oil and headhunter cannibals are ready to devour him.

June: Ooh, that's a good one!

You seem to have the hots for my older son--to each her own. Maybe you could turn his skinny friend into a vampire. Instead of the giant jar of mayo thing.

Angelique: Maybe it's the pug nose, something about Wally just curls my toes. Well, okie dokie, Junie, I'll turn Eddie into a vampire too. Wally needs to have a friend.

Early evening--Eddie knocks. June lets him in. Eddie: Junie, I'm over the mayo.

June: It was an oversight.

Eddie: Come here -- I need a hug.

June: What's wrong with you? Eddie! Eddie Bear!!

It's over. Eddie: If I ever find you had anything to do with this--I'll drain you and you'll be one too. But for now, having you in my power is good enough. Now, I'll be leaving, since I'll be up all night. You better make plans to hide me away in the basement during the day--I think you know what you'll need to get for down there. I'm forced to trust you for the time being. (He fades.)

June mumbles to herself: Geez, I wonder if she put the curse on Wally, too.

Meanwhile, over at the malt shop....

Julie Foster: Wally, you seem different somehow. Did you change your hair or something?

Wally: Um, different? I'm just the same ol' lovable pug-nosed fiend you fell for in math class, Honey.

Julie: Don't forget the pep rally tomorrow afternoon.

Wally: Can't make it. My, your neck....uh, hair looks nice.

Late in the evening, after the pep rally...

Julie: Wally! You startled me! Where did you appear from?

Wally: Oh, I've been around. I'm excited about the full moon tonight. Wanna neck?

^LOL!

Julie: What is it about you, Wally? I just can't put my finger on it. Wait a minute--give me a wide grin!

Wally: What? Why? How 'bout if I just smile?

Julie: No, I wanna see those pearly whites. (she looks over at Mary Ellen briefly.) Wally! (to herself) Now where did he go? Something strange is going on...

Julie Foster: Mary Ellen, are you trying to steal my boy, Wallace Cleaver? I've had my eyes on him for ages.

Mary Ellen: Bite me.

Julie: What? Why did you say that?

Mary Ellen: It's an expression. I just learned it from Lumpy Rutherford. It means, buzz off.

Julie: Something strange is going on. I glanced over at you for a second, and Wally had like disappeared. Vanished. And now that I think about it, there was a sound like a bat. Bats in the malt shop?

Mary Ellen: Bug off.

Julie: That's about it.

Mary Ellen: I meant you. Disappear.

Across town, in the house of an unknown young girl, about Wally's age...

Young girl: Oh, I'm so sleepy. I'll just lay my head down and try to go to sleep now. A bat! Eeeeeek! Bat, go away, bad bat, BAD BAT!! (swats him and he flies out the window)

Wally (later): Wow! I got a headache. (looks at his watch.) Nearly 5 o'clock...also nearly dawn. I gotta get home.

At the police station; Desk sgt.: Malloy, we've got a report of a bat attack. I'll give you the address--get out there and talk to the girl. This is a new one on me.

Wally is walking down the sidewalk headed home and sees a police car.

Wally, to himself: What is this, an episode of Adam-12? I'm so confused and why does my head hurt so much?

Malloy (yells out the car window): Son, what's wrong? Had a little too much?

Wally: No, I think somebody hit me on the head.

Malloy (out of the car by now): Who?

Wally: I don't know.

Malloy: Son, walk a straight line on that curb. (Wally tries, but can't.) What are you doing out here at this hour? It'll be dawn soon.

Wally: What? Dawn?

Malloy: You're coming with me.

(at the station) Wally: I do get one phone call, don't I?

Malloy: Sure, kid. But make it snappy.

Wally: Where's Reed? Julie Foster has a crush on him.

Malloy: Wise guy, huh? Just make your call.

Wally: Hello, Eddie?

Eddie: Hey, Gertrude, how's tricks?

Wally: I need you to vouch for me down at the station. Officer Malloy is being coy and his partner, the cute one, Reed, isn't around. I'm screwed!

Eddie: Whaddaya mean, you're screwed?

Wally: Look, I just need you down here NOW!

Eddie: Awright, I'll be there in awhile...

Wally: I gotta get home!

Eddie: Awiright, I'm on my way.

Malloy: Son, what's the big hurry?

Wally: Uh, uh, I got a headache and I'm hungry. He thinks...and the sun will be up in around a half hour.

Eddie rushes in.

Eddie: Officer with the kind face and even kinder disposition, Sir, my bosom buddy here, Wallace, is in dire need of his medication which he left at my house. We have to go NOW, Officer! Please release Wallace or he'll DIE! He has a fatal condition and cannot be exposed to sunlight! He'll burn terribly!

Malloy: My goodness gracious. I'm so sorry, Son. Please take your friend home now. I had no idea he had a fatal condition. Oh, and Wallace? Reed says to tell Julie hello. (winks)

Wally: What's this? Oh, I'll talk to him later!

Eddie: Goodbye, officers...thanks again.

(on the way) Wally: My mom had something to do with this. She's gonna pay! I just need to find out how she did it.

Eddie: She purposely gave me mayo, buddy. We'll team up on this one, OK?

Wally: I might just bite Dad and turn him. That'll show Mom who's boss around here.

Eddie: That's funny but I don't know. It's fine for us to be this way, but your Dad has to bring home the bacon so he needs to be awake in the daylight.

Wally: Bacon? My Mom buys all the groceries.

Eddie: Jeepers Creepers, try to learn some new lingo Wally, we're vampires now! Be smarter!

Wally: We're vampires? Oh, no! (starts to cry)

Eddie: Aw, come on, Sam! Why else would you care about the dawn?

Wally: I just can't believe it.

Eddie: Well, back to reality--It's nearly sunup. Maybe we could get a coffin built for two.

Wally: Very funny. We gotta get together tonight and figure out what to do about my mom.

Eddie: I'll sleep on it.

Wally: Me too.

Later, as it becomes fully dark...

Eddie: Did you get any bright ideas, smart guy?

Wally: Not really. I'm going to have to tell Beaver about us though. I realized he will have questions.

Eddie: We can make the little punk our slave. He has to do our bidding. If you're too scared, I'll have to do it.

Wally: No, I'll tell Beaver. I think you and I need to run down to the hardware store and get some lumber and start building our coffins. Let's go.

Later, the guys are building away in the garage. Beaver wanders in.

Eddie: I'm going in and talk to Junie.

Beaver: He nauseates me. What are you guys doing?

Wally: I gotta tell you something. I have some sort of illness or something, where I have to sleep during the day. i also have grown fangs.

Beaver: Golly, a vampire! How'd that happen?

Wally: I'm not sure exactly, but I'd bet mom is involved. Maybe you could play it cool and ask some questions. You know you gotta be careful with her. For all we know she joined a coven and cast a spell.

Beaver: One thing I already know is, you're on her "s*it" list.

Wally: You know it. So see what you can find out, OK, Beav? Oh, and no telling Gilbert, or anyone, please? This could get me in all kinds of trouble.

A little later, in the kitchen..

Beaver: Hey, Mommy!

June: Mommy? You haven't called me that in years, what's up?

Beaver: I just love you so much sometimes, I could burst. Speaking of bursting, do you ever get so mad at somebody you wish you could put a spell on them to hurt them?

June: Well, now that you mention it, I do get angry at times, Sweet Boy. But I've never been angry at you that way. Now Wally is another story. He really gets on my last nerve sometimes.

Beaver: Yes, he's always been the problem child, hasn't he?

June: He sure has. And you've always been my Sweet Baboo! And who would name a kid Wally?

Beaver: You didn't name him?

June: That name came your father's Uncle Billy. How does a sissy name like that come from him, of all people?

Beaver: Yep, Wally sure is a problem. Have you ever thought of some way to get him good?

June: Well, there's any number of things one could do. You're my smart boy. Why don't you put on your thinking cap and give me some ideas?

Beaver: Weeeeellll, you could turn Wally into some sort of monster but that might be taking things too far.

June: You really think so? He can be a monstrous pain in the hot cross buns!

Beaver: Yeah, him and his pug nose.

Later that evening...

Wally: Well, didja find out anything?

Beaver: Yeah, you shoulda heard me; I played it cool. She had no problem with turnin' you into a monster.

Wally: I knew it! Somehow, she's involved in this. I might as well tell ya, she did it to Eddie, too.

Beaver: Really? I got no problem with that.

Wally: Listen, we're brothers. Would you try to find out more for me? It sounds like she trusts you. But you really gotta be careful with her.

Beav, I'm finding out vampires have...well, urges. It's getting really hard to control.

Beaver: You mean an urge for, uh, blood?

Wally: I don't wanna scare you too much, but yes.

Beaver: So, that's the deal with the fangs, huh?

Wally: Yeah, i gotta be careful not to show 'em. And sooner or later, people are gonna miss me during the day. It's a lucky thing we're on a long school break now.

Early the next morning, Angelique arrives to talk to June.

June: Ang, come on in. The old ball and chain just left for work. Want some coffee?

Ang: I'd love some, Honey. I wanted to tell you a few things about how the vampire curse will work. The really good thing about it is that anybody who knows Wally and Eddie won't be the wiser. In other words, they'll be sort of under a spell where they won't notice anything is strange with them. If they see Wally biting a girl, for example, they might recall it for a few hours but eventually they'll forget it. Isn't that great?

June: Wow, sounds like you've learned some interesting things along the way.

Ang: Another thing is that people might wonder why they don't see Wally, or Eddie for that matter, during the day. The next time they do see one of them, that will trigger a loss of that question in their mind. These are just a few tricks of the trade you learn over the years. But there are things I cannot control--just a little warning. Like physical damage to a person a vampire will eventually do.

June: What do I care about that? Just watching it play out will be some great fun. Things to brighten up my day.

Unbeknownst to them, Beaver is listening thru a heating vent upstairs. Having heard enough, he makes a typically loud descent on the stairs, and announces he's going to school.

Larry: Hey, Beaver, how are you? You look a little pale, are you feeling sick?

Beaver: Oh, Larry, I do feel sort of ill. But I can't tell you why. It's about my mother and my brother. It's a family secret.

Larry: Oh, we have those too. Like the time my sister kissed a gang member and my father kicked her out of the house for a few days.

Later, in the boys' room:

Beaver: Well, I did a little listening thru the heat vent this morning. Mom was with a lady who was talking to her about vampires. And she told mom about vampires hurting people. Then Mom says she gets her yucks out of that.

Wally: That is just plain sick. Now, I gotta go out.

Beaver: What you were talking about before?

Wally: Unfortunately, yes. By the way, do you know this lady?

Beaver: I've never seen her before.

Wally: Ya know something, Beav? With what she's done to me, I could really put a scare in her. And I just might do it.

Later in the evening, Ward has fallen asleep and June has gotten up to get a glass of warm milk downstairs in the kitchen.

Wally: Hey, Mom, why aren't you in bed?

June: Oh, I couldn't sleep, too restless I guess.

Wally: Yeah? I'm restless too. I think I'm going to roam the streets for awhile, maybe I'll catch me a snack.

June: Catch?

Wally: Yeah, I might snag me a dog or a cat or a rat or something and maybe just for fun I'll surprise you with it, see you later. I hope you can sleep better now. (laughs manically on his way out)

June: Oh, dear, I'm not sure I like the sound of that.

June is dozing on the couch. Wally comes in.

Wally rouses her: Mom...mom.

June wakes up and screams.

Wally: What's wrong, Mom? I was exploring a cave at Indian Caverns, and found my friend here. Don't you like bats? He's dead, he won't hurt you. Now if he was alive, that might be a different story. I hope you never encounter a live one.

He laughs maniacally and disappears.

Ward comes in: What's going on?

June: Oh, uh...I guess you heard me scream. I fell asleep here and I guess I had a bad dream.

Ward: Oh. Well, too bad. I'm going back to sleep.

He goes upstairs.

June: I think I've created a monster. Liked his cape, though.

LOL^

Wally: Hey, Eddie, I'm coming over, I want to tell you about something I did to my mom. It's pretty good but I think we can do better if we work together.

Later in the evening, Eddie and Wally are digging in the graveyard.

Eddie: Hey, Sam, I know you're furious with Junie, but why are we digging up Mrs. Johnson here?

Wally: Your precious "Junie" is a vile piece of crap. She's going to pay heavily for doing this to us! Now keep digging. Mrs. Johnson just died last week so she'll be pretty fresh. I want my mom to really scream like she's never screamed before!

They open the coffin. Eddie: She looks pretty fresh.

Wally: Yeah, she's well preserved. She doesn't even smell bad. Let's take the coffin and leave her in there. Brush that dirt off the outside.

Eddie: What did you pull on Junie?

Wally: Oh, I found a dead bat and gave her a little scare. She ain't seen nothing yet. Are you spending the days in your basement?

Eddie: Yeah, my coffin is down there. Aggie and George never go near it. What are we gonna do with the old lady here?

Wally: Mom probably doesn't know I'm in the basement during the day. I'm trying to think of a way to get her to go down there and find a coffin. Curiosity killed the cat, or came close. She'd be sure to open it to get a gander-but does she find me, or this old bat? What do you think; do you get it? Or could we do even better?

Eddie: Well, what would be pretty great is if Mrs. Johnson looked like somebody she knew. Did June know this woman?

Wally: I think she might have played bingo with her once or twice.

Eddie: Well, maybe we put Mrs. Johnson in the coffin and we somehow rig her to pop up and shout BINGO! June would have a heart attack!!!!

Wally: Oh, man, you're an evil genius. That's going to take a lot of work though, let's get started. (giggles to himself)

Eddie: OK, I can work on Junie. I'll get her to go down there. So you'll have to spend the day over in my basement. You work on rigging the coffin, OK?

Wally: Deal!

Later that evening --

Eddie: Junie! How's tricks? You sly one!

June: Huh? What're you talking about?

Eddie: Ah, OK. Whatever. Let's just say Wally and I are - uh- now indisposed during the day. Didn't you know about his coffin in the basement?

June: I'm afraid I'm not following you, Eddie bear.

Eddie: OK, like I said, whatever. I'll come over one of these evenings. Maybe you can make me some more of your chicken salad.

June: I'll do it right next time.

Eddie: I'm sure you will. Ta-ta, Junie!

June: Hmm--interesting...

Next morning--

Beaver: Bye, mom. I'm goin' to school.

June: Bye! (thinking) Now, to check out that alleged coffin. I think he was pulling my leg.

June ventures down into the basement and spots the coffin.

June to herself: This is just so fun, like I'm in a monster movie. I better not scream.

She tiptoes over to the coffin and remarks: This is a nice coffin. I wonder where Wally dug this up from? Then she lifts the lid and Mrs. Johnson's body comes popping up and BINGO! is heard.

June: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

June flies up the basement stairs, clutching her chest. She trips slightly on the way, but recovers. She collapses on the sofa.

June: Oh! The adrenaline is flowing, but this is NOT fun! Gradually she calms down and falls asleep.

Later the phone rings; Ward: I'm gonna be a little late; around 7.

June: OK. Take your time. Bring home a pizza and I'll make a salad. Beaver is eating at Larry's.

She mumbles to herself: It's getting dark. Dare I open that basement door again?

She sidles over to the door and gradually opens it. A bat flies out.

June: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Later on...

Wally: Hey, Eddie, how could my mother turn us into vampires? I mean, I know her motivation is to make us suffer because she's evil, but how did she do it? She doesn't have powers.

Eddie: You know something, Sport, you really have a good point there. Maybe I can figure out how she did it. I'm going to play coy with your mom for now and see if she let's something slip. If we could get to her source of power, we might be able to exploit it in our favor.

Wally: When did you get so smart?

Eddie: I don't know. Being a vampire made me less stupid somehow. If I ever change back into a regular teenager, that's the thing I'll miss, my brains.

Later, in the boys' room:

Wally: You know, I brought up something to Eddie. I don't know how Mom made him and me vampires. She hasn't got any powers; at least I don't think she does.

Beaver: You 'member that lady I told you Mom was talkin' to a couple o' days ago? I never saw her before. I was listenin' at the heat vent.

Wally: Oh yeah!

Beaver: Mom called her "Ang." And Mom was talkin' to her about it. The lady was talking too but I wasn't gettin' it.

Wally: Mom knows all. Now let's see--how do you get people to tell what they know?

Beaver: Well--there's truth serum. Then there's planting a bug for if she comes over again.

Wally: Eddie's gonna see what he can drag out of her.

Later, in the Cleaver kitchen...

Eddie: Junie, my favorite blonde! Junie, were you really popular in college? I bet all the guys wanted to date you!

June, flattered: Why, yes, Eddie, I was quite popular in college. My dance card was always full up to the brim.

Eddie: Not surprising. Sometimes girls who are as pretty as you are, Junie, have trouble making friends with other girls. Did that happen to you too?

June: It did, but there was one girl in my dorm, Angelique, who took to me right away. She was actually prettier than I was, so maybe she didn't feel jealous of me. She was always reading.

Eddie: Oh? What did she major in?

June: Oh, not her studies. She almost flunked out. I had to do her homework for her. And in exchange for me doing that for her, she helped me out. She used to read about witchcraft and she learned how to do spells and did me favors that way. Oh, it was a glorious time, Eddie. You would have loved it.

Eddie: I sure would have. Did Mr. Cleaver know her?

June: Oh, heavens, no. Old square britches would never have approved of her. Still wouldn't.

Eddie: And you haven't seen her since then?

June: Oh yes, she and I keep in touch. She lives over in Riverside; Aunt Martha knows her. As a matter of fact--uh, I think I need to, uh, offer you a drink--maybe some lemonade?

Eddie: No, thanks--I think I'll be leaving. My diet has changed lately.

Later, Eddie and Wally meet up --

Eddie: Hey, Polly, wanna cracker?

Wally: Cut it out, Eddie. I'm not in the mood. Did you find anything out?

Eddie: Sure, I broke the case wide open. Just like Perry Mason. So, your mom is friends with some wild witch chick who lives in Riverside. She has to be the source of your mom's power over us. She does witchcraft!

Wally: Oh, man. I think I heard Mom mention a friend in college named Angelique, is it her?

Eddie: Yep, that's the one. It's got to be her. Your mom says Aunt Martha knows her, so you can find out her address and we'll pay her a friendly visit, how about it?

Wally: Polly wanna witch! Man, I'm in a better mood now. I think I'll take the Beaver up to see Aunt Martha. She'll tell him anything--he's her pet. Of course, that'll waste an evening--part of it will be trying to explain why we didn't come up during the day.

Later --

Aunt Martha: My, such a late visit! It must be 7:30. Theodore, soon we must piut on our pajamas and get some sleep.

Beaver: Uh, yeah. So, Mom wanted me to ask you, while I'm here, what her friend Angelique's address is. She wants to invite her over for tea.

Aunt Martha: Oh, my, that's so proper! I taught her well. (She gives Beaver the address on a piece of scrap paper.)

Wally: Well, I must be off. (Beaver slips him the address.) I'll pick him up around this time, tomorrow.

Aunt Martha: Certainly, Wallace. And rest assured, we'll change our socks and wash behind our ears.

Wally: Oh, I know!

(Back out in the car)

OK, Eddie, let's pay the witch a visit!

Wally: This is it. It looks sort of gothic. Maybe she's from the past.

Eddie: Yikes. This place is giving me the creeps.

Wally: All of a sudden you're chicken?

Eddie: Quack, Quack!

Wally: That's a duck, genius.

Eddie: Just being near this witch who turned us is taking my brain power away, sheesh.

Knocking on the door....A beautiful blonde woman in her forties opens the door.

Angelique: What are you boys selling? I don't need any cosmetics.

Wally: Oh, of course not. You're a natural beauty, isn't she Eddie?

Angelique: Wally, is that YOU?

Wally: In the flesh, and blood.

Eddie snickers.

Wally shows his fangs: It ain't Jack Paar! Yes, it's me. What gave you your first clue?

Angelique: Well...I...

Wally: You have no idea what this has done to my life!

Angelique: I just can't resist using this witchcraft. Who is this other person?

Eddie: Edward Haskell, at your service. And I must say, you are a beautiful woman!

Angelique: Oh, yes, the other vampire.

Wally: What do you have against either of us? The real problem in all of this is my mother!

Angelique: In the most simplistic terms, your mother is the personification of evil. She has been ever since she and I were friends at State.

(Wally explains how they put a major scare into June.)

She had me do this. I don't know Eddie Haskell here, but Wally, I know you're a handsome boy. This spell has affected your looks.

Eddie: Don't you think Junie is due some grief?

Angelique: I do owe June for doing all of my homework and writing my papers while I studied my craft. But it's been years now, maybe my debt to that she-devil is done. I just think she's horrible for turning her own son into a blood sucker. If I had a son as handsome as you with that cute pug nose, I would never hurt one little hair on your head, Honey.

Wally: Glad to hear you say that. Now, let's talk about how we can pay my witch of a mother back. Any ideas?

Angelique: She used to get all the boys to date her in college even though I'm prettier. But my temperament was to spend all my time alone, reading. (sighs) We could do something to turn Ward against her. What do you think, Eddie? What would you like to do?

Eddie: I have to admit I've always had a crush on Mrs. Cleaver, but she did do this to us, so LET HER BURN!

Wally: Mom and Dad don't get along, as it is. They're staying together for Beaver's sake, but he's a pretty smart kid. He really knows Mom is a she-devil.

Angelique: I'm forming an idea here. June puts all her stock in her looks, with those pearls, and all. What if I aged her looks 5 years in 5 days, let her stew on that for a few days, and then do another 5. It would only affect her looks externally--her actual age would not change. Of course, were just tossing out ideas.

Wally: That's really a good one. Eddie and I are running out of time, though--it'll be dawn in about a hour and a half or so or so, and we have a 45 minute drive back. I also still have to figure out who'll pick up my brother at Aunt Martha's. I'd rather concentrate on getting my Mom back for this.

Angelique: You were right before; I have no axe to grind with you boys, and June got her yucks by now, plus the scare you told me about--that was really a good one! I'll remove the vampire curse, but it's not as easy to reverse as it is to cast in the first place.

Angelique: Look, I'll pop over to Aunt Martha's to borrow a cup of sugar and then I'll just happen to see Beaver and ask him if he'd like to see a movie at my house. I'll say that I called June to ask her permission. I'm not really going to call June, but you need to call Ward so he won't flip out and alert the police if Beaver isn't home.

Wally: Okay, I got it. Now, how do you reverse our curse?

Angelique: Well, you have to do exactly what I say, to the letter. Now listen up carefully because we don't have much time.

Wally: You're not kidding, it'll be light in a few hours. Fortunately it's a really late sunrise at this time of year.

(Angelique leaves and returns with Beaver in a little while.) Angelique: Theodore, would you go in there and set up the film? (He goes into her den.)

Angelique: OK we have to work fast. You are both under the same curse, and it's much easier to transfer it than it is to remove it. I can transfer it to Beaver, and it will lay inactive in a child.

Now here's the interesting thing. I can actually quite easily transfer it again, but this time reactivate it in June! But it's much easier when I'm in close proximity. So I will ride back with all of you, and do the deed when we get there. We really have to transfer it to Beaver now; we're running out of darkness and we still have the drive. It is inactive, but we must work quickly, since he also cannot survive the daylight. That's the only hiccup.

Wally and Eddie, in unison: Beautiful! Mom/Junie will be a vampire!!

(She utters an incantation.)

Wally: Beaver! (he enters.) Sorry, we don't have time for the movie. We gotta get going. Angelique is coming with us. Hurry up, we gotta go!

(Wally and Eddie lag behind a little as they all go to the car.) Eddie: How are we gonna explain all this to Junie?

Angelique (hearing this): That's one reason we needed to transfer it to Theodore. It will give you both time to work up a story for June. One of you will have to get Beaver down to the basement and safely into a coffin for a short duration.

Later....

Wally: Hey, Mom. What are you doing?

June: Oh, I'm just tidying up in here. Isn't it going to be dark soon?

Wally: Yes, it is. But I'm not a baby anymore, Mom. I'm not afraid of the dark any longer. Do you like the dark, Mom?

June: It's okay. (She looks at him suspiciously.)

Wally: Mom, Beaver is staying over at Larry's house tonight so don't worry about him, okay?

June: Why would I worry about him?

Wally: I'm sure glad you like the darkness hours, Mom. I think you'll come to like them even more.

June: What is all this about night?

Angelique (appears): He just wants to make sure you do, since you won't see the day, soon.

June: What? What are you doing here? I don't recall inviting you here.

Angelique: You didn't.

Beaver comes in: Hi, everybody.

Angelique utters an incantation: It is done.

Beaver: Thank goodness!

June: What are you talking about? What's done?

Wally: Go to the mirror and smile.

Angelique: Wally, remember. She'll get an even bigger surprise at the mirror!

June: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why don't I see myself?

Eddie: Wally, let's show Junie her new home during the day.

June is hysterical, sobbing.

Angelique: Remember how you always stole my boyfriends, Junie, in college? You were a She-Devil! Well, now you can enjoy being a fiend, wandering the night for a bloody snack to satisfy your endless hungers.

June: But, NO!!!!! I did all your test papers for you, Ang, remember? How can you turn on me this way?

Wally: Mom, you turned on me, your first-born son. How could you do that? You deserve to pay for this, so we turned the tables on you. Who's laughing now, huh? (laughs hysterically)

June: What's the matter with you, Wally? Can't you take a little joke?

Wally: OK, "Junie." Can't YOU take a little joke? Don't you want to find out how fun it is to never see the daylight?

Angelique: And the big steal of one of my boyfriends? WARD!

June: You can have him. Egad! Do I feel fangs?

Ward enters: What in heavens name is going on here? Angelique! Is that you? It's been years. You are more beautiful than you were back at State!

Ward: Angel Face, is that YOU?!

June, Wally, Beaver: ANGEL FACE??!!

Angelique: My witty, wise, wonderful man! Ward, how are you, Sweetness?

June, Wally, Beaver: SWEETNESS??!!

Ward: My goodness, Family, can you not repeat every little thing me and Angel Face say to one another? (Ward and Angelique hug.)

Wally: Well, I think the Beav and I are going to go ride our bikes or something. Catch you adults later. Don't get into too much trouble. Buh-Bye, Junie! I mean, Mother!

June: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally, I'm soooooooooooooooory! Come back!!!!

Ward: Oh my darling Angel Face!

June: Can you get off your cloud for one moment and see what this...this withc has done to me?

Ward: Whatever it is, I don't care. (Pause) Are those......fangs?

Angel: Yes...she now has a certain...je ne sais quois.

Ward: Why don't you go ride bikes with the boys and let me and Angel catch up?

June: Angelique Depres, I will get you back for this one way or another. (She slams the door and rushes out to try to catch Wally..)

Ward: So, Angelique, what brings you to the area?

Angelique: Well, if you must know, Ward, Wally was concerned about your wife. He noticed she had been acting strangely of late and he was afraid she might even harm the Beaver. Have you noticed her acting odd?

Ward: Well, now that you mention it, she has been acting a bit peevish and devilish. She seems to be irritated a lot. But do you really think she would harm the Beaver?

Angelique: Well, I sure hope not, but we can't take any chances. When she comes back, we might want to have a long talk with her and see where her head is at.

Ward: Well, she certainly is not the girl I married. And those fangs--they're gross--I never noticed them before.

Angel: Well, we all change.

Ward: You have too. But as I said before, you're more beautiful now than the State days. That wouldn't be the case with many women. Certainly not June. She looks worse today than yesterday.

June reenters: And she's the reason why!

Angelique: Heavens, Junie, what are you mumbling about. It's hard to make out your words with those long teeth you've grown there.

June: You WICKED WITCH! I should burn you at the stake!

Ward: Good gracious! Let's all calm down now and have a discussion without the name calling and accusations. Now, June, it's true that you have been peevish lately and you do look older. Your face looks a bit gray. What is going on with you?

June: This evil witch put a spell on me and now I'm looking old and I'm a vampire! Oh, Ward, she's trying to steal you away from me!! Help me, please, Ward!

Ward: Oh, you're a vampire. That explains it. Why didn't I think of that without you telling me?

June: Don't patronize me, Ward Cleaver!

Ward: I think we need a cuckoo clock around here; it would match the atmosphere.

Wally and Beaver walk in. Angelique: Boys, your mother thinks she is a....

June: VAMPIRE!!

Wally: Huh? Dad, that's a mythical creature, right? Something you'd see on the Late Late Show.

June: Oh you lying sack of stuff! Tell him how she's a witch!

Ward: June, you must admit... Have you gotten into the cooking sherry again?

Beaver: A witch? Dad, she's a nice lady. She's Aunt Martha's friend. I think she's Mom's friend, too.

Ward: Angel is your friend, June?

June: Oh, I give up! (she puts her head in her hands and sobs.)

Angel: Ward, maybe you should take her to the doctor tomorrow.

June: Oh shut up! You know very well I can't go anywhere during the day!

Ward gets on the phone.

Ward: Hi, Bob? Yes, it's Ward Cleaver. Bob, could you make a house call this evening? It's June. She's terribly distraught. And she says she can't leave the house.

Later, a knock on the door.

Ward: Bob, hello, please do come in. Let me introduce you to my wife, June. June!!!!

June appears in the doorway.

June: Ward! I'm not crazy! That witch put a curse on me and now I'm a vampire.

Bob: June, hello, I'm Dr. Bob Hartley, I'm a psychologist and I'm here to help you.

June: All I need--some quack psychiatrist.

Bob: Like I said, I'm a psychologist.

June: Whatever. (she manages a smile.)

Bob: Are those....fangs?

June: My you have a nice neck.

Bob: Uh...yeah. Sooo....you think you are a -- vampire...

June: Doctor...come over here. (she takes him to the hall mirror.)

Bob: Oh, my! No reflection. Mr. Cleaver, may I see you in the other room?

(they depart to the kitchen)

Bob: How do you explain that?

Ward: I...I don't know.

Bob: Call me crazy (laughs to himself) but I think your wife is actually a vampire. She is invisible in the mirror and she has fangs. I know it's impossible to believe, because you and I are rational men, men of science. But this might be one of those times something unexplainable happened.

Ward: Well, recently an old girlfriend of mine came for a visit. I remember she used to read a lot of books, books about the supernatural. And June did accuse her of doing a spell on her so maybe Angelique is involved.

Bob: Oh, Angelique was an old girlfriend of yours, Ward? I had no idea, you sly dog, you.

Ward: Well, we dated a little bit but then June stole me away. Now I'm wondering if I got cast under a spell by these women?

Wally comes in: Gentlemen--

Ward: Wally, this is Dr. Hartley. Bob, my older son, Wally. Wally, is there something about your mother you haven't told me?

Wally: It's a long story. (He relates the doings to Ward and the Doctor.)

Bob: I think my services may not be needed, now. Ward, call me if you need me.

Ward: Will do. (Bob leaves.) Wally, where is your mother?

Wally: The sun is up. She has retired.

Ward: She is evil. She is a female version of Jekyll and Hyde; we may eventually need Dr. Hartley back. I'm normally a peaceful man, but I'd really like to teach her a lesson. I think Angel Baby was a pawn in all of this.

Wally: I agree.

Ward: This is just an informational question, but how does one slay a vampire, do you know?

Wally: When I was cursed, I did some reading. Legend has it that there are three ways: a wooden stake through the heart, a silver bullet, or somehow preventing the vampire from retiring to the coffin at the dawn. That is the most agonizing way.

Ward: For starters, suppose we arrange for her to overhear us plotting her demise.

Wally: There is some danger to that approach, just to warn you.

Ward: I'm going to call Angelique and have her help us out. Maybe she can whip up a spell so we can be safe from vampires and that way we can teach your wicked mother a lesson but not be in danger ourselves.

Wally: Good thinking, Dad. By the way, the vampire thing is really too much. I mean, I want Mom to suffer the way she made me and Eddie suffer, but I don't really want her to be a vampire too long. You sort of lose your mind when you can never see daylight. I almost flipped my wig a few times.

Ward: Oh, she did it to Eddie too? What a witch!

Wally: Yeah, she's brutal. Well, catch up with you guys later. I need to work on my suntan. I've gotten pale.

Ward (on the phone): Angelique, darling!

Angel: Ward, baby. I hope you're not too angry with me. I'm sure you've been filled in by now.

Ward: Yes, dear. And I think June has used you, and I told Wally you were a pawn in all of this.

Angel: That is true. But she got the ultimate prize.

Ward: I get your drift, I think, and thanks for the compliment. Could you come over and help us?

Angel: Be right over.

Later--

Ward: Wally would like this not to go on too long, but we'd like to throw a scare or two into June. I think she may eventually need psychiatric help because she seems to have a split personality. Anyhoo, Wally and I got to talking and we'd like to have her overhear us plotting her demise. But he warns me this is dangerous.

Angel: He's right. A vampire is a powerful creature, and a threatened one, even more.

Ward: That's where you could come in. Is there some sort of spell that would protect us?

Angelique: Well, Honey, not to get too sentimental, but if I could, I'd turn myself into a protective coating and cover you myself! But I don't quite have that much power, alas. But we will come up with something. Give me a few hours. I need to go check a chapter from a book I think it's in. I'm not super good at this type of spell, so I hope it works. You and Wally might want to think up a backup plan in case things go South.

Later...

Wally: Hey, Dad. I think I got a slight sunburn because my skin was so pale before. Shucks.

Ward: Wally, it's nice to see those rosy cheeks again, Son, but let's get down to business, shall we? Angelique is going to brush up on her protection spell, and when she comes back you and I are supposed to have a backup plan in case her spell isn't completely foolproof.

Wally: So Mom could flip out and try to harm us?

Ward: Yes, what can we do?

A knock is heard on the door. It's Eddie.

Wally: Hey, Eddie! I just got some sun, can you tell? Isn't it delovely?

Eddie: Delightful, Gertrude, truly delightful!

Ward: Eddie, I must apologize for my wife's behavior. She really has gone crackers.

Eddie: Hey, what's done is done. It's in the past now.

(Ward fills Eddie in on their blossoming plan and what Angelique is doing.)

Ward: So do you have any ideas on a backup in case things go awry with our plan?

Eddie: A what?

Ward: Awry. Wrong.

Eddie: Oh. We could work it so I was nearby but out of her sight, so if she attacks with her fangs, I could distract her.

Ward: I think you'd have to be armed. With a silver bullet.

Wally: That's quite a chance he'd be taking. She might be strong enough to wrestle the gun away from him. He could just have a cross.

Eddie: I'm thinking of being a cop. I've been doing some training -- before my vampire days.

Ward: OK, let's see what Angelique comes up with. Meanwhile, any other ideas?

Wally: I think Eddie should hide out of sight with a vial of Holy Water and a large silver cross, I feel those will be enough to ward her off (no pun intended, Dad) and also Eddie can sweet talk Mom like nobody's business, Can't you Eddie?

Eddie: Well, I do seem to have that effect on the ladies, especially June Bug here seems to fancy me.

Ward: June Bug? (rolls his eyes) Now, Eddie, you need to take this seriously. I'll call Angel Face and ask her for some Holy Water and silver cross. She might have to stop by the church on her way over. What time is it?

Wally: It's 3:30 - we have a few hours till dusk.

Ward: OK - I'll call Angel Face. Wally, Bear will be home in a few minutes; send him over to Larry's.

Later, around 4:30 --

Angelique comes in: Well, I did bring a cross and Holy Water. If she attacks, you must show her the cross. She will retreat, or disappear.

I also brought a mallet and a stake. When she sees one of you holding that, she'll flip out. (She says an incantation.) It was like I said--this may or may not work.

Ward: We need to be talking in the den. Eddie, you hide behind a chair--and be ready with the cross. When she wakes up, she'll look for us. We need to be listening for her. Now, let's work up some dialog. We need to be plotting her demise.

They work up a routine. The sun disappears in the west --

June arises from her coffin and moves slowly up the stairs.

June: YOU DEVILS, COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE, CHICKENS!!

Wally: Man, she sounds NUTS! I wish I had prayed harder in church last Sunday now. Darn it!

(Eddie snickers behind the chair.)

Wally: Cut it out, Eddie. Be ready! We are depending on you over here!

Eddie: Chill out, Sam.

Ward: Chill out? It's a pleasant 73 degrees in here. What is he talking about?

Wally: Dad, shhhh, here she comes!

June: You reprehensible male species, both of you!

All gets quiet, the house is mostly dark. June sees a light under the den door, and listens, thinking they didn't hear her and don't know she's there.

Ward whispers, OK, this is it...

Ward: OK, there is only one way to get rid of a vampire. A silver bullet.

Wally: It has to be right through the heart.

Angelique: But you must have the element of surprise or she'll disappear.

June whispers to herself: SHE'S there!

June flings open the den doors, fangs out: You are all plotting against me! And, Ward, my own husband! You WILL pay!

She grabs him by the throat; he struggles.

Eddie springs out with the cross and holds it up toward June.

June: Eddie, you traitor! And after all the egg salad sandwiches I've made for you over the years!

Eddie: Hiss! Stay away, Demon! You put mayonnaise in those sandwiches and I nearly died!

Ward: June! You tried to murder Wally's best friend? What's the matter with you?

June: Oh, go play house with your Angel Baby and leave me in peace. (Starts to go after Wally)

Wally: Eddie!

Eddie throws a little Holy Water on June and it sizzles like she's a frying pan.

Ward: Eddie, keep that cross displayed. And toss more Holy Water.

June: You will all rue the day you were born!

She turns into a bat and disappears.

Scene shifts to Fred's study. He is doing some paperwork.

He mumbles to himself: What the heck is that? It sounds like....a bat.

Fred: Get away from me! June! What...what happened to you? What are you?

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

June: You are mine now. You will do my bidding. (She fades)

Clarence bursts in. Daddy! What happened? Are you OK?

Back at the Cleavers' --

Ward: I've never seen anything like this. What will she do now?

Angelique: I don't know. But we all need to be very careful. And as I said before, it's a very difficult curse to remove.

The next day down at the office:

Mr. Slate, Ward's boss calls him in for a chat.

Slate: Ward, how are you doing? Are you doing okay?

Ward: Why, yes, Mr. Slate, everything is fine. Why would you ask?

Slate: Ward, it's come to my attention that you've been nipping into the cooking sherry on your lunch breaks.

Ward: Heavens, no. Who told you such a thing?

Slate: Well, if you must know, it was Fred Rutherford. He was insisting it was true, Ward. He was adamant about it and he said I should reprimand you for it. What would you suggest I do now?

Ward (under his breath to himself) : That She-Devil got Fred to be her slave. I'm screwed.

Slate: What was that?

Ward: Nothing. Let's just say, I think he has an axe to grind.

Slate: Cleaver, you have a nice corner office overlooking the gravel pit. Remember, there are crane operator jobs available. Guys quit that job every day. Back to work now, Cleaver. No more sherry!

Ward: Yes, sir.

Next evening, Mr. Foster from Mayfield High is correcting papers in his den and mumbles: What's that noise?

Mr. Foster: Get outta here; shoo, bat! Good heavens who or what are you? Now see here...

AAAAAHHHHHH!

June: Mr. Foster, you're mine. Wally cheated on that test yesterday, didn't he? He will get a zero.

Mr. Foster (groggily): Yes, he did. He will get a zero.

She disappears.

Julie enters: Daddy! What's wrong...are you OK? How did you cut your neck?

The next day at school, after class

Wally: Mr. Foster, why did I get an F on this test?

Mr. F: Wally, I'm just as surprised as you are, Son, but somehow I just know in my gut that you cheated and I had to give you a Fail. I'm sorry.

Eddie runs in and grabs Wally and they are in the hallway.

Wally: Eddie, I was in the middle of a conversation there. What's going on?

Eddie: Wally, Julie is a vampire now!

Wally: Whaaaat? Oh, no!!!! This is a nightmare that just keeps getting worse. That devil woman of a mother of mine needs to learn her lesson. But what can we do to her now?

Eddie: Let me think up something. Let's go talk to Angelique. We have to do something drastic at this point!

(In Riverside, at Angelique's)

Wally: ....so that's what's happened, which is a lot. Do you have any ideas?

Angelique: We need time. A vampire curse on an evil person is double trouble. I recommend that we chain her coffin. Today. Now.

Next, and this is a relatively simple incantation. Do you remember how I temporarily moved the curse from you two, and put it in Theodore? The only manifestation he would have, as before, is that he must go to the coffin during the day. He is normal at night.

Wally: We need my dad to make that call.

Later

Ward: No way. I cannot put Beaver in harm's way like that. I just can't. Now, maybe we could use Gilbert?

Wally: (laughs) Gilbert is a nuisance to society at large, yes, let's do it. I'll find a way to trick him into coming over.

Angelique: I wonder if there is a way for me to undo the things she had Fred and Mr. Foster do? I think I can handle them. Let me go and do my thing, and I'll meet you all back here in two hours.

Angelique goes to Mr. Foster's house.

Mr. F: Yes, may I help you?

Angelique: May I come in, Sir? It's about Wallace Cleaver. He's destroyed over that failing grade. (She proceeds to do an unwind curse on him which reverses June's influence over him.)

Mr. F: I have no idea how Wally got an F. I must have been hallucinating. I know it's meant to be a B+. Wally is a very apt pupil.

Later

Angelique at Mr. Slates' house

Mr. Slate: Yes, may I help you?

Angelique puts her unwind curse on Mr. Slate and he agrees to drop any notion of punishment on Ward for drinking sherry.

Mr. Slate: If you ever need a job, young lady, look me up. We could use a beauty with brains like you in our organization!

Later --

Wally: Gilbert is on his way over. He was on his mother's last nerve, so she was glad to get rid of him. Little does she know he's going to stay "over day."

Angelique: If this incantation works there may be no need to chain Junes' coffin. What time is it?

Wally: 5 after 5. It'll be dark soon.

(A knock.) Wally: That'll be Gilbert.

Ward: Is he on board with this?

Wally: He doesn't know anything. But he'll do anythiing for money.

Gilbert: Hi, everyone. I guess you know I'm staying overnight.

Beaver: You're half right.

Ward: Son, how'd you like to earn ten dollars?

Gilbert: Sure.

Ward: Well, you'll be kind of locked up for a while.

Angelique utters an incantation.

Gilbert: What the heck was that?

Wally: I'll see if Mom is, uh, available yet.

Wally peeks down into the basement just as June is rising.

June hisses.

Wally: Hey, Sleeping Beauty, how's tricks?

June: You shut your face, Wallace. You're going to flunk all your classes and then you'll end up on the street corner begging for nickels.

Wally: Sure thing, Mother. You betcha. Come on up here. Let's try to be a normal family for a few minutes at least, how about it?

Upstairs

Gilbert: Oh, so it's sort of like a hide-and-seek thing where I will be hiding in a box? That's sort of cool. I'll be like in a magic act, right? I love magic acts.

Ward: Yes, Gibert, you'll be like one of those disappearing people in a magic act. Won't it be splendid?

Angelique utters another incantation.

Ward: Gilbert, why don't you and Beaver go upstairs and make plans. Your magic act will be tomorrow morning.

Gilbert: And don't forget the ten bucks.

Ward: Oh, no, we won't.

(They exit, and Wally and June enter.)

June: I feel normal again.

Ward: You are, such as it is. I think you and I have a lot to talk about, and I want you to meet my friend, Dr. Hartley later.

June: Whoever that is, I'd rather not. But you're right, we have a lot to talk about. I think I'm going up to bed. I'm drained. Oops-bad choice of words! (She exits.)

Angelique: I'm thinking about a solution to this curse. We can't leave it in that kid, Gilbert. I need to do some more reading, but I think we can move it to Mrs. Johnson, where it might lay dead with the dead. I need to make totally sure it wouldn't make her rise, though.

Ward: Sounds like it might be a solution. I'll leave the dark side to you. (His voice softens) Thanks so much for everything, Angel Face.

Later at The Blue Whale bar, Ward and Angelique enter.

Ward: Is this the bar you were telling me about?

Angelique: Yes, this is the place. I used to study my witchcraft books here while the locals danced. I was so lonely back then and I still am.

Ward: You know, Angel, I really do want to work on my marriage with June. I'm going to suggest counseling with my friend who's a psychologist, Bob Hartley. But let's keep our friendship going, we could have coffee now and then. Does this place serve coffee?

Angelique sighs. Well I am disappointed but you're such a gentleman, I wouldn't expect anything less of you. But if June doesn't step up and make you happy, you know I'll always be waiting in the wings, Ward.

Ward: Thanks, Angel. And thanks a lot for doing that reverse spell on Mr. Slate.

Angelique: Oh, you're welcome. This guy down there named Fred whistled at me so I put a little curse on him.

Ward: Oh, Flintstone?

Angelique: Yes, I made Mr. Slate give him a demotion and cut his pay. (laughs)

Ward: That Fred is a bit of a hot head. That serves him right. He really shouldn't have whistled at you, he's got a lovely wife Wilma. Of course, a man can look, right? (gazes at her)

Angelique: i was there near closing time. You can't miss that 5:00 bird whistle.

Ward: So bring me up to speed on this Mrs. Johnson thing.

Angelique: I'll skip the earlier details, but what you need to know is that Wally and Eddie are going to need to dig up her grave again and get her coffin, again. For safety purposes we'll need to chain the coffin. Once it's dug up and chained, I can transfer the now-inactive vampire curse from that boy to Mrs. Johnson. I hope it remains inactive, but it's possible she could be raised from the dead. Thus, the chained coffin. I hope she does not have the power to transcend that.

Ward: That sounds pretty risky. But we can't just leave Gilbert in a coffin during the day, beyond this weekend. His parents can't stand him--no one can, except Beaver--but even they might eventually want him back home.

Angelique: Exactly.

Ward: I actually can see that kid as a vampire. He'd fit the role quite well.

Later

Gilbert: So it's time for me to hide in the box?

Beaver: Yes, hop in. Don't be afraid, Gilbert, because this is just a fun thing and you'll be happy when you're let out again, to know you did something neat.

Gilbert gets in.

Upstairs

Wally: So, Mom, are you feeling better? I am going to try to be a better son to you so maybe you don't have to resort to such drastic measures to get revenge. What do you say? Can we call a truce?

June: I suppose so, for now. I just have this itch to be evil sometimes, Wally. I really shouldn't have used that against you. I lost my head. I really did. But I need to channel it somewhere. Would you help me?

Wally: Sure, I can help you. But when we channel your evil intents, we have to go after people who really asked for it. And we can't do super bad things or there will be a lot of people who notice and you could even end up in jail.

June: Oh, speaking of jail, I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed I robbed a bank and went to jail. Isn't that weird?

Wally: Not so weird. I had what you might call a parallel dream. Maybe we can compare notes sometime.

June: Well, I'm glad we can talk again. I still need to talk to your father. He seems to think I need professional help, from his friend. He may be right. What happened to the curse?

Wally: It's kind of a long story. Right now it's dormant, "on" Gilbert. There is one more thing Eddie and I have to do.

June: Better tell me, if it will wrap this mess up.

Wally: Well, in a nutshell, we have to dig up an old lady's coffin again, and Angelique will move the curse to her.

June: Oh, is that all? (she smiles.)

Wally: Yeah, it's kind of a big deal. It's illegal to dig up graves. And kinda creepy.

June: I never realized I have a sort of interest in the creepier side of life. Maybe that's why I was so drawn to Angelique as a friend. I knew she was different and interested in a side of life I knew little about.

Angelique knocks on the door.

Angelique: June, Honey, will you EVER forgive me? I got jealous and I was just so mad that you ended up with Ward. Honestly, I was hoping I could snag him up for myself but I did some soul searching and I'm ready to bury the hatchet. Can we be friends again?

June: Come in, Honey, and I'll put on a pot of coffee. Talk to Wally for a minute. He is going to do some gravedigger thingy. It sounds fun and creepy, right up your alley.

Wally: So, Ms. Depres, could you help us dig up an old lady?

Angelique: I thought you'd never ask! Oh, how I do love to be amongst the Cleaver clan. I'll try to use my powers for good rather than evil, Wally. But we could have some fun, too. Where is this old lady buried? Show me.

Wally: We'll go out there tonight, and we'll bring Gilbert. It's out by Widow's Hill, and I'll get Eddie; he and I will do the digging like we did before.

June: Have we heard from Gilbert's parents? Surely they must be wondering about him.

Wally: Would you, if you were them? But, no.

Later, at the cemetery --

Eddie: Hey, Wallace, can you dig it?

Wally: Cut it out, Eddie, this is hard work. We suburban boys aren't used to hard labor.

Angelique: I can whip up a bit of a spell to make you boys a bit stronger and a bit faster. (She does the quick spell and it works.)

Gilbert: What is going on out here? My mother might be calling me home for dinner. (He tries to run, but Eddie grabs him.)

Eddie: Gilbert, we need you for this project. Don't be a little crybaby.

Gilbert: This is all weird. And putting me in a box for hours. I wanna know what's going on.

Eddie: Will you shut up, mallet head? If you want it to go faster, pick up that extra shovel over there and dig.

Angelique: Allow me, Eddie. She whips up a spell and Gilbert digs. Wally...let him dig for a while. Come here.

(Wally walks over) Angelique: Once I've transferred the curse to Mrs. Johnson and we've chained the coffin, and we get back to your house, I can and will cast a spell to make Gilbert forget all of this, tonight. He'll remember what he calls spending time in the box, but if he tells his parents they probably won't believe him. After all, thry haven't even missed him. (she pauses.) I have extrasensory perception. And I sense someone is coming. We probably have around two minutes.

David Collins appears on the scene.

David: Who are you strange people? Angelique?

Angelique: Oh, hi, young David. Fancy meeting you here in a cemetery.

David: Well, you know how I love to snoop around in eerie settings, Angelique. Remember how I used to always love to go to The Old House?

Angelique, to the others: Yes, David here loves to roam around in old houses and haunts, isn't that right David? Isn't your father expecting you home now though? You better run along.

Gilbert: David Collins? I heard of you. Don't you go to a fancy boarding school or something?

David: My father did put me in a boarding school. If you're digging up a grave I'd be glad to help. That's about as eerie as it gets.

Angelique: It'd be better if you'd run along, David.

Gilbert: Put the kid to work. I'm getting tired.

Wally: Sure, David, come on over here. Angelique, do you have a barrette or something to hold his hair back? It's falling in his face, and it's tough enough to see out here.

Eddie: Yeah, kid, what's with the hair?

David: That's the way Victoria likes it.

Eddie: Well, if it's for your girl, OK. Here's a shovel, mop head, I'm takin' a break.

David: Who's in the grave?

Angelique: Mrs. Johnson.

David: Whoa! Why are we digging her up?

Angelique: Well, David, if you must know, it's quite a long and meandering story but I'll tell it to you while you dig. Dig! Dig! (She tells him the whole story.)

David: Gosh, that's a pretty fantastic tale I'll say. It's a pity Mrs. Johnson had to die. How did she die again, Angelique?

Angelique: Well, she just got old, David. It happens to us all, usually.

Gilbert: Hey, Davey, can we be friends? I need a cool new pal. Beaver is okay but he's a bit fuddy duddy.

David: I'm a pretty mixed up kid, uh....

Gilbert: Gilbert

David: Gilbert. And i get in a lot of messes. Also, I time-travel to other centuries, and assume new identities. And get into more trouble. I also make up a lot of stuff.

Gilbert: Wow! Other centuries! All Beaver and I do is spit off bridges and junk like that. I gotta say, I make up a lot of stuff too.

Wally: Remind your parents of that when you get home. OK, Angelique, we've got the coffin uncovered.

Angelique: OK. Here's the chain, now wrap it around there good. When you're done, I'll do the incantation.

David: Why are you chaining her coffin up?

Wally: We have to transfer the vampire curse from our mother to Mrs. Johnson here.

David: Transferring the vampire curse from your MOTHER?! Jeepers!

Wally: Yeah, it's pretty wild and wicked stuff all right!

Gilbert: Hey, Davey, I'm going to go home now, would you come with me and help me explain my being away so long to my parents? You seem to have a knack for this sort of thing and I could use your expertise.

David: I guess I could do that. (They walk away.)

Angelique: Hold on a minute, Gilbert. (She utters her incantation)

The chains rattle. Angelique: Oh, geez, bury that coffin quick!

Wally and Eddie quickly bury it.

Gilbert: My mother is never going to believe all of this.

Wally: We hope not. Eddie: You got that right.

David: Actually this is all not too out of the ordinary for me.

Malloy walks up, unnoticed: What's going on here?

Angelique: Officer Malloy, as I live and breathe, (chuckles softly) to what do we owe this pleasure?

Malloy: Oh, hey, Miss Dupres. What brings you all the way out here from Riverside?

Angelique: Oh, I wanted to pay my respects to Mrs. Johnson, a dear friend of the family.

Malloy: Was she just buried? This ground looks fresh.

Angelique: Yes, she just died suddenly with no warning. I mean, she was on the old side of the hill if you catch my drift.

Malloy: Well, did you forget to bring flowers?

Wally: Um, excuse me, Sir. Hi. I think we've met before. I had flowers but I suddenly remembered I needed a gift to make up to my girl, Julie. So she got the flowers and Mrs. Johnson here was plum out of luck this time.

Malloy: Wallace? Eddie? Julie Foster is your girl?

Wally: Yes, she is. Do you know her?

Malloy: She has a crush on my partner, Officer Reed. I do seem to recall meeting you, and also young Eddie here. But I can't recall the details.

Eddie: Well, that might be for the best, Sir. Now we really have to be running along, but it's been a real pleasure. By the way, my mother said she wants to make a huge donation to the Policeman's Ball this year so please send her a direct bill.

Malloy: Great to hear!

Eddie: That's Mrs. Haskell.

(Malloy leaves.)

Wally: I think we all deserve an Oscar for that performance. What happened to your extrasensory perception, Angelique?

Angelique: I was sidetracked.

David: This is really cool!

Gilbert: Nobody will believe me.

Wally and Eddie in unison: Nobody ever does!

David: I gotta get back to the house. Nobody even knows I was gone. Probably.

Wally: Where is that?

David: At the top of the hill, overlooking the sea. Rumor has it that a few centuries ago, a woman named Josette jumped from Widow's Hill.

Angelique: Seems I've heard about that. Now, Gilbert, the dawn is upon us. The vampire curse was transferred to you, but it would do you no harm. But it explained your time in the box, as you called it. Are you feeling OK now?

Gilbert: I think so. Should I be?

Angelique: You should be. It's light now, so we can assume all went as planned.

Wally: Other than the movement of the chains on Mrs. Johnson's coffin.

Angelique: That is something to worry about.

Gilbert: I can't wait to tell my parents about all of this.

Angelique: I wouldn't, if I were you. They'll put you in Windcliffe Sanatarium. You don't want to meet Dr. Hoffman, who runs it.

Gilbert: Oh, is she creepy like Dr. Frankenstein?

Angelique: She is wicked sinister. She's obsessed with a man named Barnabas. But he doesn't return her love so she just pines away for him night and day. Sadly, she takes out her frustration on her patients. So don't think about telling your parents about what you've done for us. They'll put you in that beastly place and she'll poke and prod you until your whole body turns black and blue.

Gibert: Golly, you've convinced me. I won't tell my parents a single thing that I've seen or heard here. Can I bring my new friend Davey to show and tell though?

Wally: Gilbert, you can't bring a human being to show and tell. He's not a lab rat for you to show off. Get serious. (rolls his eyes)

At the Cleaver house, later. The group arrives back from Widow's Hill Cemetery.

Ward: I'm glad you're back. I've finally heard from Mrs. Bates, wondering how Gilbert is. I stalled her off, and told her he's fine.

Gilbert: Will you take me home, Mr. Cleaver? I can't wait to tell my mom about my new friend.

Ward: New friend? What's this?

Gilbert: It's a kid who lives near the cemetery. His name is David--I call him Davey.

Ward: Well, I guess there's no harm in telling them that.

Gilbert: Oh, you can count on me, Mr. Cleaver. I don't want to go to Windcliffe.

Ward: Uh --

Angelique: I'll fill you in later, Ward.

(They leave.)

Angelique: I don't think we can trust him.

Wally: I know we can't trust him.

Beaver: Hi there, everyone. Remember me? Oh, and, what Wally said.

Angelique: I know David quite well actually. I'm familiar with his father, Roger. I could talk to David and make sure he keeps Gilbert in line. And do you think that policeman was suspicious of us?

Wally: I don't think he was because he seemed to forget about meeting me and Eddie in our prior circumstances.

Eddie: I could just threaten the little brat Gilbert not to squeal. I like to bully the little ones.

Angelique laughs. Well, now, Eddie, aren't you special?

Wally: He's special all right. Special in a not good way. So what do we do next?

Angelique: I like the threatening Gilbert idea Eddie had. But more subtly. We take him over to Windcliffe and have him meet Dr. Julia Hoffman. We could talk to her in advance and get her cooperation. She is quite familiar with the kinds of things Gilbert witnessed and was part of.

Wally: What about David? Could he be a problem? As an underworld character might say, he knows too much.

Angelique: My, my, dear Wally, you must make your father proud. You sure do have a fine head on your shoulders for a man so young.

Wally: Oh, well, I'm not so sure my father would be proud of me thinking about tormenting a little boy, but hey, I'm down. Let's go for it.

Angelique: Okay, well you arrange for Gilbert to make a play date with David Collins. He seems to have really taken to the boy.

Wally: Yeah, well Gilbert's only friend is the Beaver, and the Beaver is sort of a square. Gilbert seems to be fascinated by this other side of life.

(Later, at Collinwood, Wally knocks. David's aunt answers.)

Wally: I'm Wally Cleaver. I was with a group that was placing flowers at Mrs. Johnson's grave a few days ago, and one of the children with us made friends with David. They seemed to get along well, and I was wondering if we could set up a play date.

Elizabeth: I'm David's Aunt, Mrs. Stoddard. The way I hear it, you were at her grave in the middle of the night. And you were digging it up. What in heaven's name was going on?

Wally stammers, curses to himself under his breath.

Elizabeth: Well, don't just stand there stammering on the stoop, come in!

Wally: Stoop?

Elizabeth: It means porch. You really should expand your horizons, young man. Don't they teach you anything in that school of yours?

Wally: Sure they do. But they forgot to mention stoops I guess. Sorry. (to himself, not sorry)

Elizabeth: So why were you wandering about a cemetery late at night? Spit it out. I'm not one to be toyed with.

Wally: Oh, I didn't imply you were a toy. (snorts) You do seem a bit high strung though, if you don't mind me saying so.

Elizabeth laughs. Well, you got me there. I guess you played me as the kids say today.

Wally: Played you? Toyed with you? I'm not feeling it but let's get down to brass tacks. Shall we? Now, we only visited Mrs. Johnson's grave at night because that was the only time we could all get together as a group. Don't go reading more into it than there is, okay?

Elizabeth: If you say so. (looks at him suspiciously but also proudly) Why do you want to see David?

Wally: My little brother, Theodore, has a friend named Gilbert who is very lonesome. He needs at least one more friend and he seems very taken with David. We would love to get them together for a play date.

Elizabeth: And what would this play date involve exactly?

Wally: Just a bit of sightseeing to start things off. Nothing too heavy.

David enters: Aunt Elizabeth, could we invite him over? I could show him around here. There's a lot to see; it's a huge house.

Elizabeth: Well, your father is on a business trip to Bangor. I suppose it would be OK.

Wally: Well, thanks, Mrs. Stoddard. I'll see if I can set it up on our end.

David thinks to himself: Yeah, you set it up. I'll take him up to meet Quentin. Let's see what he thinks of a ghost from the 19th century. Or maybe I'll show him the I Ching wands and we'll go back to that time.

Later, Wally is talking to Beaver.

Wally: So, Beav, Gilbert is your friend but he's kind of getting on our nerves so we're going to scare him a bit by letting him go over to David Collins' house to play.

Beaver: Oh, sure. I have other friends like Whitey, Larry, Richard, I don't really need Gilbert. He can be a mess.

Wally: I'm glad you're not upset about it.

Beaver: No. But what is this David like? Is he more interesting than me?

Wally: Well, sure. I mean, come on, Beav, you're a good boy, a nice suburban boy who just does silly things like inviting bums into the tub and climbing billboards. You're not into wicked kooky stuff like this David seems to be. He was really getting a kick out of digging up Mrs. Johnson. He's twisted.

Beaver: That sounds interesting--I might like it. But Dad would probably say no.

Wally: You got that right. Your other friends are pretty OK guys. Not so much for Larry, but he's moving away. But Gilbert? He could use some tormenting by a kid like David.

Beaver: Yeah!

Wally: I know he likes David. Several times he asked David to be his friend. Could you get him to go over to David's for a play date?

Beaver: Don't put it to him that way. Play date sounds like 5 year old kid stuff.

Wally: So like I said could you ask him? I know his parents don't care where he is, as long as he's not around to bug them.

Beaver: You got that right. I'm goin' over there now--I'll ask him.

Beaver: So, Gilbert, I heard you made a new friend named David Collins. And Wally said he's really cool. Let's go over there and see if he can do something.

Gilbert: I'd really like that.

They come close to David's house and Beaver says: So long, Gilbert. I just suddenly realized I have to study for a math test. I completely forgot all about it. I really can't stay and meet David, I'm sorry.

Gilbert: Oh, that's okay, Beav. I'll just knock on the door and see if he's home. Catch you later.

Gilbert: So, Davey...

David: Call me David

Gilbert: OK. What a cool house! You got some spooky stuff you can show me?

David: Come on up to the west wing. Sometimes my friend Quentin is around.

Gilbert: So? Who's he?

David: Just a ghost from the 19th century. I hope he's around.

Gilbert: Oh, wow! I'm right behind you!

Gilbert: You're the first new friend I've made in a long time, David. My only other friend is named Beaver, it's a nickname for Theodore. His older brother Wally was doing some grave robbery or something the other night.

David: He was robbing Mrs. Johnson's grave? But Mrs. Johnson didn't have any jewelry on I don't think. She was just a servant, not an heiress.

Gilbert: Well, he was digging her up for some reason. I'm not supposed to tell my parents about it but I can talk about this stuff with you. You're my cool new friend, right?

David: Sure I am. I'm real cool. It does get a bit chilly and drafty in this big house.

Gilbert: It sure is strange up here, kinda like a haunted house.

David: This is Quentin's room; at least, this is where I've seen him; his ghost, that is. Let's go in.

Gilibert: O-OK...

David: It's hard to explain, but I can tell when his ghost is here. And his ghost is not present.

Gilbert picks some sticks up: What are these?

David: You don't know these people, but Dr. Hoffman and Professor Stokes were working with them. They are dangerous and to be honest they scare even me. They are called I Ching wands.

Gilbert: What's dangerous about them?

David: I do a lot of listening around here, and they were talking about tossing these and transporting through a door they see while concentrating, like they are in a trance. Depending on the pattern formed from the toss, strange things can happen.

Gilbert: Like what?

David: Like transporting to a time in the past. They were through with them, so I took them from a box downstairs. No one's noticed that they're gone.

Gilbert: How do you know?

David: Listening. I know everything that goes on around here. Are you scared of what might happen if we were to toss these wands? We would then have to concentrate and try to visualize a door, and see ourselves walking through the door. My thinking is, since this appears to have been Quentin's room when he was alive, it might take us to the 19th century, around 1897. Anyway, give that some thought. Tell me more about Mrs. Johnson. You don't know why they were digging up her grave?

Gilbert: If I could time travel, I am totally going to try that. But first, let me try to remember what I heard. Wally and Eddie and Angelique were talking about transferring a vampire curse from Wally's mother to Mrs. Johnson. I guess because she's dead, it would just rest with her. But I think it was insinuated by one of them she could try to rise so they chained her in but the chains rattled!

David: Holy Guacamole!

Gilbert: Do you like avocados? I love them.

David rolls his eyes.

Gilbert: And so it seems as if Angelique was a college chum of Mrs. Cleaver's and they had a bit of a falling out. I think it was about Mr. Cleaver liking Angelique. Kind of like Peyton Place, a soap opera. Adults are really creepy.

David: I kind of know Angelique. I'll tell you something--I think she is from the past. She is a witch, no?

Gilbert: From everything I heard, I think yes.

David: The chains rattled. I can't stop thinking about that. What would you say to digging up that grave, again? I want to see if that coffin is still chained.

Gilbert: Can a vampire break out of a chained coffin?

David: That's what I want to find out.

As it begins to get dark, Gilbert and David are in the cemetery.

David: Well, here it is.

Gilbert: Wally said he brought flowers to put on this grave but he gave them to some girl instead. What a waste.

David: Yeah. Let's dig in. (chuckles)

Gilbert: So how would we time travel? Could we choose the time we went back to? Like maybe I could go back to just ten years and do some things differently so maybe my life would have gone in a better direction.

David: Oh, boy. You really need to just concentrate on the here and now. We'll maybe try the time travel another time. Let it go. Now, dig!

Gilbert: Hey, David. Can you dig it?

David: You really are a ham.

Gilbert: Oink, oink!

David: Oh, we hit wood. Here it is. Oh, crap! (The chains are rattling hard.) Mrs. Johnson??!!

Gilbert: What are we gonna do?

David: She is trying to rise for the night. We need to leave these chains in place and come back at dawn.

Gilbert: You know, it's amazing the things we can do and no grown-up cares.

David: That's one thing we have in common--no one cares what we do.

Gilbert: Yeah, my parents are just glad I'm not around.

David: I get that! Can you stay over?

Gilbert: Sure - like I said, they don't care.

(they get up at dawn)

David: I have a small cross here, from Aunt Elizabeth's necklace. We need to put it on her. That'll put her to rest. Or at least keep her from rattling the chains.

Gilbert: How do you know all this?

David, matter-of-factly: Oh, we have a vampire in the family. I know all the folklore.

Gilbert: Are you sure it's close enough to dawn to do this?

David: Well, we could time travel over to a Starbucks for a chai latte....yes, I'm sure! Let's go!

Gilbert: A chai what now?

David: It's a drink from the future where prissy people pay $7. for coffee. Now let's just focus on the task at hand.

Gilbert: My mom buys Yuban.

David: Your mom's not prissy then, she has that one thing going for her. She had you for a kid, not sure what that implies but you're not too bad.

Gilbert: I'm really not as bad as some people say. People are just mean. I'm not any dumber than Eddie Haskell. Did you meet him yet?

David: Oh, that dude? He looks like a ghost would scare the pants off him. I can't believe he survived being one of the undead. He doesn't seem the type.

Gilbert: Yeah, he's a chicken all right but what choice did he have? Crazy June Cleaver put a hex on him and Wally. Wally's mother is a real loon.

David: OK, enough of this chit chat--I see the sun, so it's safe. Undo the chain.

Gilbert: You undo the chain. You're the one who knows about the supernatural.

David: Oh, all right if you're gonna wimp out. (He undoes the chain.) OK, now open the coffin.

Gilbert: You gotta be kidding.

David: Surprise answer. (He raises the lid and hands the cross to Gilbert.) Put the cross on her.

Gilbert: If she's not a vampire why does she have fangs?

Mrs. Johnson breaks her chains and attempts to bite Gilbert.

Gilbert screams.

David: Use the cross and the brain God gave you, Gilbert!!

Gilbert screams.

David rushes up to Mrs. Johnson's corpse and kicks her in the face.

David: Down, Mrs. Johnson, Down, bad girl, bad dog!

Gilbert: That psycho almost bit me!!!

David: You idiot, show her the cross!!!!!!!! (David kicks her in the face again)

Gilbert: I'm trying! (He shoves the cross toward her face)

David: She can't fight the rising sun! Down, back into your coffin, Mrs. Johnson! (She hisses and growls)

Gilbert It's working! (She gradually withdraws into the coffin)

David: Put the dang cross on her, hurry up!

(Gilbert lays the cross on her forehead. David closes the coffin)

David: Help me with these chains.

(They re-chain the coffin)

David: OMG

Gilbert: Huh?

David: Never mind, more future jargon.

Gilbert: Jargon. Is that a new brand of washing soap?

David: Skip it.

Gilbert: I'm too old to skip.

David: Little boy, you're getting on my last nerve. Help me shovel this dirt back. With that cross on her, I think she will rest. How old are you, kid?

Gilbert (proudly): I'm 12. How many other 12-year-olds have been through anything like this?

David: Only this one.

Later Gilbert is up in Beaver's room.

Gilbert: So I had to put a cross on this dead lady's head and then we had to re-chain her in the coffin. It was awesome!

Wally: Gee, Gilbert, you did all that? Weren't you scared?

Gilbert: Sure I was, but my new pal David set me straight. I know I need to be brave when I'm around him. He's very mature for his age. I doubt he'd climb into a bowl of soup on a billboard like Beaver did. That's kid stuff.

Beaver: Oh, yeah?

Gilbert: Yeah. What now?

Gilbert: Well, he thinks he can use these Oriental I Ching wands. We could maybe time travel to someplace like the 19th century. You oughta come along with me on Saturday, Beaver. He's seen this ghost of a man who existed back then; his name is Quentin. Maybe we could go back and meet him.

Beaver: It sounds neat, but does he know how to get back?

Gilbert: Oh, gee, I never thought about that.

Wally: Beav, you better be careful over there. There's prob'ly nobody in the 1800s to tell you to change your socks.

Beaver: Ha ha. Gilbert, let's go over there together.

Wally: Beav, let me ask Angelique. Maybe she knows something about this I Ching. Also we probably shouldn't say anything to Dad. We'll just tell him you're going over to Gilbert's on Saturday.

Later, at Angelique's house

Wally: So, Angelique, we wanted to know what you know about the I Ching sticks David Collins told Gilbert about.

Angelique: Well, I know they're Chinese and I know they can be dangerous so don't play around with them, Wally.

Wally: How do you mean dangerous?

Angelique: Disaster could befall someone who uses the I Ching. Sometimes angry spirits could be conjured.

Wally: But we thought it would be fun to time travel. Could you do it with us and keep us safe?

Angelique: Well, I'd do anything for Ward's son. And I'm flattered you'd trust me. But it's pretty dangerous to mess with. We can't tell your father because if anything bad happens to you, he'll never forgive me.

Wally: I had already decided to tell Dad Beaver was just going over to Gilbert's.

Angelique: Just to give you some details, you have to know the hexagram patterns. And I do know a lot about them. I don't think David even claims to.

Wally: Beaver said Gilbert told him that David took the wands, and has them.

Angelique: I can tell you for sure, if that's true, he has done nothing with them. Not that he wouldn't, but he's probably done enough listening to know at least a little about the dangers.

Wally: Let's just suppose these boys somehow, with your help, found a way to get back in time, to the 19th century. Beaver had a very good question; namely, how would one get back to the present?

Angelique: They would have used the wands to get there, they would sort of go into a trance and imagine the portal again, and walk through. It's not easy--but there's another worry.

Wally: What's that?

Angelique: History. It's possible one of them could alter something in the past that severely affects the future. Suppose one or both of them prevented the death of someone who would have died, had they not been there. And that person changed something in the future that would not have happened if they had died as they would have. Are you following me?

Wally: Oh, yes.

Angelique: And that's not all. Suppose one of them somehow did something that affected them in the present.

Wally: Such as?

Angelique: Suppose, now this is a remote possibility, but let's say they were involved in the death of one of their parentage lines--a death that would not have happened. Let's say it was Theodore's--and your--parentage line. Both you and Theodore would instantly disappear. And so would one of your parents, and anyone in that line of parentage, all the way back to that time. It's mind-boggling.

Wally: Wow! Is there any way around these problems?

Angelique: There may be a way for one to time travel like that, and be just an observer. For lack of a better way to explain it, one would be kind of a ghost. There is another way--another time traveler prevents the change of history. So, what was supposed to happen, happens, or what was not supposed to happen, doesn't happen.

Wally: Double wow! This is a lot to think about.

Later at Eddie's house

Wally: So Eddie, me and the other boys might try to do some time travel. Gilbert, David, Beaver, and myself and you could come too if you're into it.

Eddie: Time travel? To the future?

Wally: Probably to the past, like before 1900.

Eddie: Oh, put me down, Sam.

Wally: Put you down, you mean insult you?

Eddie laughs.

Wally: But there are serious complications which could arise so we have to think it over. Angelique is going to go with us to try to protect us.

Eddie: Well, do I need to pack a suitcase? How long would we be gone for?

Wally: I don't know. Hopefully we wouldn't get stuck back in time. But I wouldn't mind if we dropped Gilbert off and left him back there.

Eddie: You are diabolical, Sam.

Wally: Thanks, Gertrude. We would probably go to the late 1800s, during the time of a guy named Quentin.

Eddie: And his first name is San and he runs a prison, right?

Wally: Good one. But Quentin is his first name. Remember that kid, David, at Mrs. Johnson's grave? (Eddie nods.) Well, he claims to have seen Quentin's ghost.

Eddie: But, Sam, he's as much of a mallet head as Gilbert!

Wally: He's a brat, all right, but he's smart; sometimes too smart. He actually put Mrs. Johnson to rest. Gilbert assisted, and they dug up her grave and used the cross on her. David was the one that figured out what to do.

Eddie: That woman's gonna set the Guinness Record for number of times dug up.

Wally (laughs): Right! Anyway, we're all gonna meet and figure out if we can do this--the only safe place might be here--is that OK?

Eddie: As long as Aggie isn't around, and right now she's at her bridge club. In case you didn't know it, she's the snoopiest woman in town.

Wally: Yeah, I know. She and a couple of other ladies. Anyway, the Beaver is in on this, too.

Eddie: What? Who needs him?

Wally: Cut it out, Eddie. Beaver is my little brother and Gilbert is his friend. It's not fair of us to go do cool stuff and not include him.

Eddie: I guess so.

Mrs. Haskell calls.

Eddie on the phone: Oh, yes, Mother? Oh, you're going to stay over at Penelope's house because her mother became ill? Oh, that's so kind of you, Mother. No, don't worry about me. I'll be just fine.

Eddie: The coast is clear, my man! Let's do this thing!

Angelique arrives at Eddie's.

Wally: Thanks for coming down from Riverside.

Angelique: Anything for you, or any of you Cleavers. How is your mother?

Wally: She's getting some bedrest, and recovering. I think she's coming 'round to the idea she needs some help from Dr. Hartley, a psychologist Dad knows.

Angelique: So, you're determined to use the I Ching. (Wally nods)

Wally: Somehow we need to figure out where to do this, and not get attention from anyone. I think we need David involved, especially if we use his house. I also think 2 boys will be involved, Beaver--Theodore--and Gilbert. So are Eddie and I.

Angelique: Did you brief Edward here on the possible pitfalls?

Eddie: He did.

Angelique: The biggest worry is doing something that could significantly alter the future. How are we going to deal with that problem? Another thing: you both know I am a witch. As you may or may not know, witches have an extremely long life span. Now brace yourselves: I was born in the 18th century.

Eddie and Wally, in unison: Wow!

Angelique: As such, if I were attempting to go along, I would occupy my physical body of the time. I would have a host. I think it would be better for me to help with the preparations and the actual event, but stay in this time.

Wally: We're with you.

Angelique: There really are a couple of incantations I can do along with the wand toss, to make it so you are just observers, invisible to the people of that time. Otherwise, we would have to come up with logical identities for you, which would be next to impossible. We'd have to study the history of the time.

Eddie: Don't you know it, having lived through it?

Angelique: I lived in that time, but not in this area. I've lived in Riverside for quite a while.

Eddie: Well, Sam, what do you think?

Angelique: Is there someone named Sam here? Are you two already acquainted with a ghost?

Wally: Eddie uses multiple nicknames for me, and others. Getting back to the subject at hand, I need to work on the problem of using David's house. And, how to deal with my brother, and him being gone, and how it would affect my dad. Maybe a long visit with Aunt Martha.

Angelique: I could do a spell to make sure your father wouldn't check up on that. What do you hope to accomplish in the late 1800s?

Wally: I think, from what David told Gilbert, we would like to find out why this Quentin is a ghost, and is not at peace or rest. Maybe this is one thing we could do, which would be a good thing. Let me ask you, Angelique, this sounds kind of surreal, but could we have powers? Let's say we find something that could put the spirit of Quentin to rest. If we determine we could do it without altering the future, we would like to be able to.

A knock is heard at the door.

Gilbert: Hey, everybody, it's David! What do you have there, David?

David: Oh, I just brought some cupcakes that my Aunt Elizabeth made earlier.

Angelique: Oh, David, that's so sweet. Now, David we want to ask you about Quentin Collins. What do you know about him? I'm going to go put on some coffee and get some milk for you young ones.

David: I know some things about him. I know that he was considered a black sheep in his family and as a teenager he became acquainted with the occult. When he got married he had some trouble. I think his wife went crazy or something and he might have killed her. At one point he got put under a curse and became a werewolf.

Eddie: Wow, did he get all hairy and stuff?

David: I guess so. He was a wolf man. He killed people and those deaths haunted him. He was shot and killed by a jealous woman. And he ended up haunting the West Wing of Collinwood where I live.

Wally: We're going to have to do some planning--

David: I can really...

Suddenly, David disappears.

Angelique: Oh, my! I think my scenario about a change in history has just happened. This probably means Roger Collins has disappeared, too.

Later, at the library, Angelique and Wally are researching newspaper records. They find that Edward Collins barely survived a knife stabbing attack by an unknown assailant in 1849, and subsequently married Laura Collins in 1850. A further check revealed they had a son, Jamison, who fathered Roger and Elizabeth.

Angelique: This means Elizabeth and Carolyn have disappeared, too. This interloper in history may have killed Edward Collins. We must use the I Ching to stop that from happening! That wedding must occur. He must survive that knife attack! (pause) Oh, no! Barnabas!

Gilbert: Oh, no, bring David back? I'll do anything I can to help. He's the best friend I ever had. Sorry, Beav, but he was!

Beaver: Whatever. Leave me out of this stuff. It's getting way over my head.

Wally: I'm in it to win it, how about you, Eddie?

Eddie: I'm down, Clown!

Angelique: Then we will have to all go together. Beaver can go home and tell his parents we are taking a little trip. Where should he say we went, Wally?

Wally: Oh, Myers Lake or something. Just put a spell on 'em so they won't remember us.

Gilbert: Yeah, do that to my parents too, although they won't need much nudging to forget about me. (sighs)

Later, at Collinwood --

Angelique: I'm glad the new housekeeper kind of knows me. Other than her, no one else is here at the moment, it seems.

Wally: What is this room?

Gilbert: It's David's room. The wands are over here.

Angelique: It would help if we could find some clothes from that time. (They find a collection of old clothing from that time, in a closet.)

Eddie: OK are we set?

Angelique: I've tossed the wands and the hexagram is set. We know the date of the stabbing; we'll arrive a couple of days before. Close your eyes, and concentrate on the door. When you see the door, we should all be there in your vision. Then we cross the portal together.

A few minutes later...

Wally: Well, looking at the surroundings, I think we made it.

Eddie: Yeah, only kerosene lamps now, huh?

Wally: I'm not sure, but at least here, anyway.

Angelique: I hate to break up old home week, but we'd better get out of here. i don't know whose room this is, but we don't belong, for certain.

They find their way to the old house...

Gilbert: Wow. This looks like nobody's been here for years.

Angelique: I can't think of a reason we would be here, and how we would present ourselves to these people. I'm thinking at least one of us needs to become invisible, and do some snooping.

Wally: I think you're elected.

Angelique: I need to zero in on Edward Collins. He is the key; he must survive a stabbing that will happen in a few days.

Wally: "Hey Lump, Julie Foster told me in confidence that she has a thing for plus-size men..."

Beaver, To Judy - Would you go with me to the dancing school cotillion?

An LITB/DS crossover. I love it!

By the way, three years later, I wonder which Mayfield residents would have tuned into (and have subsequently become addicted to watching) the premiere episode of Dark Shadows in 1966?

I could see June, taking a half-hour break from her daily odious housekeeping duties, to watch the supernatural goings-on in Collinsport, Maine at 4:00 PM.

Maybe even Ward would also sneak a peek on his office television set, at what was going on with Barnabas, Willie, Vicky and Angelique in that day’s episode of the groundbreaking gothic soap opera?

And, do you think that Wally, Eddie and Lumpy would all gather to watch DS on the TV set at their fraternity house up at State University?

No doubt, Julie Foster, Mary Ellen Rogers, Judy Hensler, Penny Woods and even the worldly Marlene Holmes would tune into DS every weekday to get an eyeful of the handsome Quentin Collins and his trademark sideburns? Marlene was especially taken with the enigmatic I Ching devotee.

But, do you think that Beaver and his Mayfield High School classmates Gilbert Bates, Richard Rickover and Mike Harmon would also become diehard fans of the legendary Dark Shadows?

Gilbert: "Hey Beav, did you watch The Twilight Zone last night?"

Beaver: "I don't watch that anymore, Gilbert. The CBS network's notorious cheapness ruins the show for me..."

Wally: Hey Gilbert. Shut your face you ugly sucker.

Wally, to Julie: "I get my good looks from both of my parents."

Julie Foster: "Wait, are you telling me your little brother Beaver is adopted ?!?!?"

Judy: Ya know, Beaver….I’m starting to fall for you.

cd

An LITB/DS crossover. I love it!

By the way, three years later, I wonder which Mayfield residents would have tuned into (and have subsequently become addicted to watching) the premiere episode of Dark Shadows in 1966?

I could see June, taking a half-hour break from her daily odious housekeeping duties, to watch the supernatural goings-on in Collinsport, Maine at 4:00 PM.

Maybe even Ward would also sneak a peek on his office television set, at what was going on with Barnabas, Willie, Vicky and Angelique in that day’s episode of the groundbreaking gothic soap opera?

And, do you think that Wally, Eddie and Lumpy would all gather to watch DS on the TV set at their fraternity house up at State University?

No doubt, Julie Foster, Mary Ellen Rogers, Judy Hensler, Penny Woods and even the worldly Marlene Holmes would tune into DS every weekday to get an eyeful of the handsome Quentin Collins and his trademark sideburns? Marlene was especially taken with the enigmatic I Ching devotee.

But, do you think that Beaver and his Mayfield High School classmates Gilbert Bates, Richard Rickover and Mike Harmon would also become diehard fans of the legendary Dark Shadows?

Glad you liked it! I just re-read a lot of it, and it's a pretty clever tale, for being written on the fly. TLP should be proud of it, too!!

[Not being a Dark Shadows devotee, I will pass on it. Somehow earlier when I read “DS,” I was thinking Diff’rent Strokes! After all it WAS part of a crossover!]

Beaver: Larry! Get over here right now! I know you tried to help me about the baseball. But did you secretly take my autographed glove and ruin THAT too?! Everybody knows that that famous pitcher doesn’t spell his name W-A-R-N S-P-O-N!

cd

Wally, to the visiting Miss Landers:
"So, Beaver has agreed to stay out of our bedroom for the next half-hour. What say we go on up there, and you can have your way with me...?"

Alice Landers:
"How did you know I have a thing for younger men, Wally?"

Wally: I am attracted to you Miss Landers!!

Beaver: "Miss Canfield, I'm supposed to give this note to you. It's from my father. What do the words 'bondage' and 'dominatrix' mean?"

Julie Foster to Wally Cleaver: “I’m extremely sorry, Wally. I can’t date you anymore. You see, I’m saving myself for Sal Mineo.”

Wally, to Miss Landers: Alice, tell me the word Beaver said in the hall the other day. I love it when you use dirty language.

June: "Ward, that disingenuous creep Eddie just won't quit with the blarney. Can't we fix him up with one of your nieces so he'll leave me the hell alone?"