TVLegend
09-07-2022, 06:05 PM
The following is a sketch involving tough, towering granny Thelma Bodine being remanded to anger management. If you don’t know who this character is, please go check out my previous projects, A Fallon Family Funeral and Thelma’s Family Crisis before reading this.
CAST:
Unknown Tall Actor in Drag - Thelma Bodine
Phil McGraw a.k.a. Dr. Phil - Himself
Bonniegirl - Connie Bodine
Thelma: Listen, Doc. Before we start things off, I just wanna make it perfectly clear. I told them that I didn’t need to come here, okay? I don’t.
Dr. Phil: Well, first off, I don’t usually see people individually, but when I got a chance to see the tape of you getting arrested, I thought, “I have got to sit down and have a chat with this old woman.” What’s the matter with you?
Thelma: Well, ain’t that for you to determine? Anyways, ain’t nothing the matter with me.
Dr. Phil: Why are you so angry?
Thelma: I’m not angry.
Dr. Phil: You sure?
*Thelma nods her head*
Thelma: Yeah.
Dr. Phil: Well, you sure fooled me. I mean, you seem angry right now.
Thelma: I’m not angry. This is just me. This is Thelma Bodine. I don’t have any frustrations or hostility whatsoever.
Dr. Phil: Okay…well, why do you have to be in control all the time, of everything?
Thelma: I don’t have to be in control all the time, of everything. I ain’t got no issue with that.
Dr. Phil: It’s don’t have, not ain’t got.
Thelma: Well, guess what, Doc? I ain’t got don’t have.
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Dr. Phil: Why do you get so angry?
Thelma: I don’t get angry. What do you mean? I’ve told you and that judge that I don’t get angry. Now, if someone does something to me, I do something to them. Any idiot knows that, because it’s common sense.
Dr. Phil: Oh, so you believe in getting even then?
*Thelma nods her head*
Thelma: Hell to the yeah. I don’t know why you asked me that in the first place.
Dr. Phil: Well, you don’t have to get someone all the time. Why do you feel that way? You’re like, get ‘em, get ‘em, get ‘em. That doesn’t make you angry?
Thelma: Well, if somebody got me, got me, got me, I have to get them, get them, get them. So that’s that.
Dr. Phil: Well, what you consider get and got is a whole lot different from what other people consider get and got. It doesn’t take a lot to get you, does it?
Thelma: Well, when you get and got, if somebody’s gotten you and you go get ‘em, everyone’ll get got by then.
Dr. Phil: Yeah, well, you’re quick to say that someone got you when they didn’t. So in that case, you’re getting the gotters when they didn’t get you.
Thelma: Oh, yeah. Well, guess what? If the gotters get me, I’m getting out my Glock, as them young folks say. I’m getting protection.
Dr. Phil: Well, guess what? You don’t get the Glock when no one’s gotten you.
Thelma: Doc, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t care who’s gotten me, because I’ll end up getting them first. You get me? I’ll get you.
Dr. Phil: Well, why is all of that so important?
Thelma: Alright, that’s it. No more Mrs. Nice Gal. I’ve had enough of you asking me these dumb, stupid ass questions. I didn’t sign up for this, like at all, the judge told me to come here. Everyone in the whole wide world wants to get even, everyone.
Dr. Phil: Well, alright. Let’s talk about the tape I saw of you getting arrested.
Thelma: What about it?
Dr. Phil: What was all of that about?
Thelma: It was about me getting arrested. What do you mean?
Dr. Phil: Why were you so angry?
Thelma: Are you special needs? Were your parents brother and sister? I told you, I wasn’t angry, and I’m not angry.
Dr. Phil: Well, I can’t tell. You left the gas station cussing and fussing.
Thelma: But I was calm about it.
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Dr. Phil: At least you know now that what you did was wrong.
Thelma: What was wrong about what I did?
Dr. Phil: You left the gas station without paying for gas.
Thelma: You damn right I did. I was not about to pay for that gas. That gas was high as hell. Once I realized that price, I ran. Inflation is a bitch.
Dr. Phil: Okay, so you were upset because you couldn’t pay for you own gas?
Thelma: I was not upset, and I was not angry. I was okay. I was as cool as a cucumber throughout the whole situation. I was in my car, driving off and smoking a cigarette the entire time.
Dr. Phil: Yeah…right.
Thelma: How about we avoid my arrest, Doc? Can we do that? TVLegend hasn’t done Thelma Goes Down yet. Let’s talk about it in there.
Dr. Phil: Good idea. Maybe I should approach you differently. Let’s talk about your childhood.
Thelma: Let’s talk about your childhood.
Dr. Phil: Let’s talk about YOUR childhood.
Thelma: Let’s talk about…YOUR childhood.
Dr. Phil (frustrated): Why are you projecting on me? :mad:
Thelma: Why are you projecting on me?
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Dr. Phil: Do you sleep well at night?
Thelma: Do you sleep well at night?
Dr. Phil (frustrated): I SAID…do YOU sleep well at night? :mad:
Thelma: And I SAID…do YOU sleep well at night?
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Dr. Phil: I’m about to cry.
Thelma: Wow, Doc. Are you angry?
Dr. Phil: Hell yeah, I’m angry. You won’t stop.
Thelma: Doc, you’re a professional. You’re wise, and old as hell. You look older than me, and I witnessed Jesus’ birth. You’ve one awards and certificates and all that fancy stuff, and you’re gonna let a little old lady like me get to you.
Dr. Phil: You’re not a little old lady. You’re a big monster.
Thelma: Is that an insult?
*Dr. Phil rolls his eyes*
Dr. Phil (frustrated): WILL YOU STOP? :mad:
Thelma: WILL YOU STOP?
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Thelma: Yeah, I can play angry too, Doc.
Dr. Phil: Look, this is getting us nowhere.
Thelma: You’re right. This is getting us nowhere.
Dr. Phil: I’m gonna try to see if the judge can do something about this, but I just can’t handle you. You’re…interesting.
Thelma: I know I’m interesting. That’s why I’m sitting here.
Dr. Phil: Okay, go. You’re free to leave. Bye. You’re fired.
Thelma: Well, thank you, Dr. Phil…Trump.
*Thelma smiles and Dr. Phil sighs*
Thelma: It really was great seeing you.
*Thelma and Dr. Phil get up*
Thelma: But like you said, I gotta go.
*Thelma opens the door and leaves out of the room without closing it. Connie can be shown sitting right outside of the door*
Thelma (loudly): Come on, Connie! Let’s get the hell outta this pigpen!
*Connie gets up*
Connie: Hold on, mama!
*Connie enters the room and approaches Dr. Phil*
Connie: So…how did she do?
Dr. Phil: Terribly.
Connie: What?
Dr. Phil: Look, I can’t handle her. That old woman is impossible.
Connie: Hold on, now, Dr. Phil. You’re the best.
Dr. Phil: And she’s the worst. Your mother has to see someone else, but I cannot help her.
Connie: But…
Dr. Phil: Sorry.
*Connie slowly walks out of the room*
Connie (loudly): Wait up, mama, damnit!
THE END
CAST:
Unknown Tall Actor in Drag - Thelma Bodine
Phil McGraw a.k.a. Dr. Phil - Himself
Bonniegirl - Connie Bodine
Thelma: Listen, Doc. Before we start things off, I just wanna make it perfectly clear. I told them that I didn’t need to come here, okay? I don’t.
Dr. Phil: Well, first off, I don’t usually see people individually, but when I got a chance to see the tape of you getting arrested, I thought, “I have got to sit down and have a chat with this old woman.” What’s the matter with you?
Thelma: Well, ain’t that for you to determine? Anyways, ain’t nothing the matter with me.
Dr. Phil: Why are you so angry?
Thelma: I’m not angry.
Dr. Phil: You sure?
*Thelma nods her head*
Thelma: Yeah.
Dr. Phil: Well, you sure fooled me. I mean, you seem angry right now.
Thelma: I’m not angry. This is just me. This is Thelma Bodine. I don’t have any frustrations or hostility whatsoever.
Dr. Phil: Okay…well, why do you have to be in control all the time, of everything?
Thelma: I don’t have to be in control all the time, of everything. I ain’t got no issue with that.
Dr. Phil: It’s don’t have, not ain’t got.
Thelma: Well, guess what, Doc? I ain’t got don’t have.
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Dr. Phil: Why do you get so angry?
Thelma: I don’t get angry. What do you mean? I’ve told you and that judge that I don’t get angry. Now, if someone does something to me, I do something to them. Any idiot knows that, because it’s common sense.
Dr. Phil: Oh, so you believe in getting even then?
*Thelma nods her head*
Thelma: Hell to the yeah. I don’t know why you asked me that in the first place.
Dr. Phil: Well, you don’t have to get someone all the time. Why do you feel that way? You’re like, get ‘em, get ‘em, get ‘em. That doesn’t make you angry?
Thelma: Well, if somebody got me, got me, got me, I have to get them, get them, get them. So that’s that.
Dr. Phil: Well, what you consider get and got is a whole lot different from what other people consider get and got. It doesn’t take a lot to get you, does it?
Thelma: Well, when you get and got, if somebody’s gotten you and you go get ‘em, everyone’ll get got by then.
Dr. Phil: Yeah, well, you’re quick to say that someone got you when they didn’t. So in that case, you’re getting the gotters when they didn’t get you.
Thelma: Oh, yeah. Well, guess what? If the gotters get me, I’m getting out my Glock, as them young folks say. I’m getting protection.
Dr. Phil: Well, guess what? You don’t get the Glock when no one’s gotten you.
Thelma: Doc, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t care who’s gotten me, because I’ll end up getting them first. You get me? I’ll get you.
Dr. Phil: Well, why is all of that so important?
Thelma: Alright, that’s it. No more Mrs. Nice Gal. I’ve had enough of you asking me these dumb, stupid ass questions. I didn’t sign up for this, like at all, the judge told me to come here. Everyone in the whole wide world wants to get even, everyone.
Dr. Phil: Well, alright. Let’s talk about the tape I saw of you getting arrested.
Thelma: What about it?
Dr. Phil: What was all of that about?
Thelma: It was about me getting arrested. What do you mean?
Dr. Phil: Why were you so angry?
Thelma: Are you special needs? Were your parents brother and sister? I told you, I wasn’t angry, and I’m not angry.
Dr. Phil: Well, I can’t tell. You left the gas station cussing and fussing.
Thelma: But I was calm about it.
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Dr. Phil: At least you know now that what you did was wrong.
Thelma: What was wrong about what I did?
Dr. Phil: You left the gas station without paying for gas.
Thelma: You damn right I did. I was not about to pay for that gas. That gas was high as hell. Once I realized that price, I ran. Inflation is a bitch.
Dr. Phil: Okay, so you were upset because you couldn’t pay for you own gas?
Thelma: I was not upset, and I was not angry. I was okay. I was as cool as a cucumber throughout the whole situation. I was in my car, driving off and smoking a cigarette the entire time.
Dr. Phil: Yeah…right.
Thelma: How about we avoid my arrest, Doc? Can we do that? TVLegend hasn’t done Thelma Goes Down yet. Let’s talk about it in there.
Dr. Phil: Good idea. Maybe I should approach you differently. Let’s talk about your childhood.
Thelma: Let’s talk about your childhood.
Dr. Phil: Let’s talk about YOUR childhood.
Thelma: Let’s talk about…YOUR childhood.
Dr. Phil (frustrated): Why are you projecting on me? :mad:
Thelma: Why are you projecting on me?
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Dr. Phil: Do you sleep well at night?
Thelma: Do you sleep well at night?
Dr. Phil (frustrated): I SAID…do YOU sleep well at night? :mad:
Thelma: And I SAID…do YOU sleep well at night?
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Dr. Phil: I’m about to cry.
Thelma: Wow, Doc. Are you angry?
Dr. Phil: Hell yeah, I’m angry. You won’t stop.
Thelma: Doc, you’re a professional. You’re wise, and old as hell. You look older than me, and I witnessed Jesus’ birth. You’ve one awards and certificates and all that fancy stuff, and you’re gonna let a little old lady like me get to you.
Dr. Phil: You’re not a little old lady. You’re a big monster.
Thelma: Is that an insult?
*Dr. Phil rolls his eyes*
Dr. Phil (frustrated): WILL YOU STOP? :mad:
Thelma: WILL YOU STOP?
*Dr. Phil sighs*
Thelma: Yeah, I can play angry too, Doc.
Dr. Phil: Look, this is getting us nowhere.
Thelma: You’re right. This is getting us nowhere.
Dr. Phil: I’m gonna try to see if the judge can do something about this, but I just can’t handle you. You’re…interesting.
Thelma: I know I’m interesting. That’s why I’m sitting here.
Dr. Phil: Okay, go. You’re free to leave. Bye. You’re fired.
Thelma: Well, thank you, Dr. Phil…Trump.
*Thelma smiles and Dr. Phil sighs*
Thelma: It really was great seeing you.
*Thelma and Dr. Phil get up*
Thelma: But like you said, I gotta go.
*Thelma opens the door and leaves out of the room without closing it. Connie can be shown sitting right outside of the door*
Thelma (loudly): Come on, Connie! Let’s get the hell outta this pigpen!
*Connie gets up*
Connie: Hold on, mama!
*Connie enters the room and approaches Dr. Phil*
Connie: So…how did she do?
Dr. Phil: Terribly.
Connie: What?
Dr. Phil: Look, I can’t handle her. That old woman is impossible.
Connie: Hold on, now, Dr. Phil. You’re the best.
Dr. Phil: And she’s the worst. Your mother has to see someone else, but I cannot help her.
Connie: But…
Dr. Phil: Sorry.
*Connie slowly walks out of the room*
Connie (loudly): Wait up, mama, damnit!
THE END