ALF: "If memory serves, Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit."

Brian: "Okay, but I'm doing this under protest."

Lynn: (to Jake)"...I'll give you a blind spot."

ALF: Why don't you ring up Ann-Margret and get her over here?

Aaron King: Sure... I'll just head on over to Graceland and pick up my Rolodex.

ALF: It's to dangerous out there, I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocket knife!

Willie: There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.

Willie: Go, go back to the tent!

ALF:
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.

Let's go to dinner. Don't worry—tab's on me. Though I'm not paying for Brian's invisible friend.
— Uncle Albert

ALF:
There's hair in this tuna fish. I like it!

ALF: Justice will not rest.
Kate: What if I gave justice a cookie?
ALF: Justice will think about it.

Alf: Maybe in a past life I was a wrecking ball.

[about ALF's "car"]

Lynn:
What's that thing?

ALF:
It's not a thing. It's an ALF Romeo.

ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.

ALF:
[slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey.

[opens fridge] Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this?

[picks a note off the food and reads it] "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this?

[throws away the note] Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes.

[as he does this an earthquake starts] Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.

ALF (after hitting Willie in the leg with a mallot, talking to himself): It's been a bad day, first I broke Willie's windshield, Willie's lawnmower, now I broke Willie!

Willie:
I was going down Fifth Street Road, and instead of taking a left I took a right...

ALF:
I thought you couldn't turn right down that road, it's a one-way street.

Willie:
ALF, what difference does it make to you?

ALF:
What difference does it make? HAH! I'm not driving with you anymore!

Your eyelids are growing heavy.

You are getting sleepy.

You are no longer a cat.

You are a bagel.

https://i.postimg.cc/3RWQf1pk/e666dd76b8c10c0a0b8e4f4662b457d3.jpg

ALF: I did. Can you take some constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: It must be one of them talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?

Lynn: How old are you, ALF?
ALF: 229, in August.
Brian: Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?
ALF: Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!

ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
Kate: Why?
ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?

The game of spleen ball is very simple, Brian. You just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket

Did you ever hear the expression
"Curiosity killed the cat?"

Yeah, it's usually
followed by the expression

"Pass the plum sauce."

“The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.” –ALF

“I’ve decided to reveal myself to the world. This way I can meet new people, travel, see a Grateful Dead concert.” –ALF

“Why would he even TRY making banana coffee?” -Kate

“I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles…an hour later, you’re hungry again.” -ALF

ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.

Let's have a snack now, we’ll get friendly later. You got a cat? - ALF

Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF: It's broken.
Willie: That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn't break it.

“I’m too young to be out of shape. It’s not like I’m 200.” – ALF

ALF: You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress.

"Operator, this is an emergency...what's the number for 911?"

Raquel Ochmonek

"There's hair in this tuna fish...I like it!"

ALF

ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today?
Willie: "Cats."
ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

"Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?" ALF

"The only good cat is a stir-fried cat." ALF

"(I was) looking for tomato paste, I broke a tomato." ALF

“E.T. was a movie, this is real…this is on our coffee-table!” -Kate

“I’ve decided to reveal myself to the world. This way I can meet new people, travel, see a Grateful Dead concert.” –ALF

We Are Everywhere !
(~);}

ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.

The early bird can have the worm. I’ll take the extra hour of sleep.

I don’t have a short attention span, I just… oh look, a squirrel!

ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie: Hence the term "musical."
ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves.
ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today?
Willie: "Cats."
ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

“I’m not saying she’s fat, but her birthday cake got stuck in the door!”

“I thought I saw Elvis in my jello but it was just some fruit floating on top!”

ALF: "Well, that explains Ghostbusters II".

Has anybody seen the yellow ribbon?

I don't know. What color is it?

Ha! Yeah! I kill me.

A light snack would hold me over until the pizza came.

Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie!

What have I done?

I don't know, ALF.
What have you done?

Did you see
"Dog Day Afternoon?"

This one has a worm in it.

Mine!

You eat worms?

What else are you
supposed to do with them?

Use them for bait?

'It's a dog.'

I could see that,
but it wrecked your stick trick.

What was supposed to happen?

That was it.
That's how you play fetch.

Fascinating game.

Right up there
with watching golf.

ALF: (to Lucky) "I'm going to make you sleep, and then I'm going to make you a bagel."

Willie, I can't
stay in that tent.

I'm deathly afraid
of the outdoors.

I once got caught
in a meteor shower

without my umbrella.

Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF: It's broken.
Willie: That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn't break it.

For those of you
who don't know me, I'm ALF.

The answer
to the burning question

who's the only NBC star

with more hair
than Michael Landon.

Oh, where does
that freeloading sloth

get off crashing our party?

I don't know, ALF.

Why don't you have
a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?

ALF: All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen...
ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey.
Brian: No, those are ducks.
ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?

You are gonna taking me
when you move, right?

Well, we might if you stop
eating Willie's dinner.

Oh, immediate gratification

versus long term security.

I'm thinking,
I'm thinking.

[ALF is trying to be a professional shrink and he's annoying Kate and Willie]
ALF: Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian.
Kate: What's wrong with Brian?
ALF: He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately.
Kate: [in a sudden burst of anger] All right. That's it.
Willie: Calm down.
ALF: Stop ventilating.
Kate: I am not ventilating. I am talking.
[to Willie]
Kate: And I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up.
ALF: You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress.
Willie: And you are spouting out a lot of psychological clichés you don't even understand.
ALF: Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay.
Willie: This must stop.
ALF: That's right. A good scream. Let it fly.
Willie: You cannot keep aggravating people like this.
ALF: Why do you hate your mother?

LOL^

Has anybody seen
the yellow ribbon?

I don't know. What color is it?

Ha! Yeah! I kill me.

Channel 9's running "Psycho."

Oh, by the way,
we're out of popcorn.

I'll put it on the shopping list
next to floss.

No chance to run out now
and get it, I suppose?

Right. I'll just see
if I can scrounge

a few kernels
from the sofa.

[ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting]
ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF: The day they met me?
Lynn: Think again.
ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking.
ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.

You know when you were a baby
you used to wake us up at 6:00 a.m.

Boy, you really carry a grudge.

ALF: Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.

You federal expressed
a letter to Brian?

It absolutely, positively
had to be there.

And even on Melmac, I was
considered above average.

Of course, they did
grade on a curve.

ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours.

Cyrano de Melmac.

I use my powers of romance
to help those not so blessed.

In this case
I'm snagging a chick for Jake.

But I've got an instinctive
rapport with kids.

It's a gift that all
Melmacians share.

That and the
ability to suck milk

through our noses.

“Did you know that if you eat fast you can eat more?” –ALF

“I still think I should have brought her something, you know? Some candy, some flowers…a Rambo doll.”-ALF

Willie: You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF: I'll apply for a green card.
Willie: That's only if you want a job.
ALF: Pass.
[pause]
ALF: I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
Willie: ALF...
ALF: Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine.
Willie: ALF.
ALF: You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.
Willie: Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.
ALF: Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets.
Willie: How many cups of coffee have you had?
ALF: Forty. Why?

“Either he’s Elvis, or Priscilla had a heck of a lawn sale.” –ALF

“You’re so slow, you make turtles look like Olympic sprinters.”

“The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.”

Willie: How long are you gonna keep this up?
ALF: Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks." Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?
Willie: No.
ALF: Well, I'd like to.

"Operator, this is an emergency...what's the number for 911?" Raquel Ochmonek

"There's hair in this tuna fish...I like it!" ALF

"Yo Kate, where do you keep the casserole dishes? (Why?) The cat won't fit in the toaster." ALF

Kate: Don't break that remote.
ALF: Kate, have I ever broken anything?
[Kate stares at him]
ALF: Well, lately?
[pause]
ALF: This week?
[pause]
ALF: Today?
[pause]
ALF: Since breakfast?

Once again, Kate, meat loaf.

Uh, for your information,
that was Salisbury steak.

Great. Meat loaf
with an attitude.

Kate, you got anymore
of that chicken in there?

I'll check.

If not, I'll take a burger.

ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie: Hence the term "musical."
ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves.
ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today?
Willie: "Cats."
ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

“I’ve decided to reveal myself to the world. This way I can meet new people, travel, see a Grateful Dead concert.” –ALF

“I’ve decided to reveal myself to the world. This way I can meet new people, travel, see a Grateful Dead concert.” –ALF

(~);} We Are Everywhere !

Willie: What's going on out there?
ALF: Nothing, just screaming.

(~);} We Are Everywhere !

:D

“Hey, don’t worry about the old ALFer…Channel 9 is running Psycho!”-ALF

Willie: Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief.
ALF: You do?
Willie: Not really, but we gotta go.

“Hey, no problem! I can make breakfast for eight, no sweat. As long as four of ’em are toast.” – ALF

"E.T. was a movie, this is real...this is on our coffee-table!" - Kate

“You’re lucky I didn’t have my flamethrower!” – ALF

"Hey, don't worry about the old ALFer...Channel 9 is running Psycho!" - ALF

Like my old skeelball coach used to say: ‘Find something you’re not good at, and then don’t do it.’

Some guy called me a snitch just because I turned him in to the police.

"Trust me on this one, I've been wrong so many times before." - ALF

ALF, how do you know when the popcorn’s ready?

When the fire department gets here.

"Brilliant! This and the letter 'I' in one day." ALF

“Fine, I’ll make a peanut butter sandwich…where’s the blender?”-ALF

"I still think I should have brought her something, you know? Some candy, some flowers...a rambo doll." - ALF

Maybe you shouldn’t blow-dry your hair so much — it’s scattering your thoughts.

"I've decided to reveal myself to the world. This way I can meet new people, travel, see a Grateful Dead concert." - ALF

ALF{over radio}: I need to speak to the President.
Agent Hogarth: He is indisposed.
ALF: The bathroom again?

"Fine, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich...where's the blender?" - ALF

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and frankly I don't get it here either.

Willie: You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF: I'll apply for a green card.
Willie: That's only if you want a job.
ALF: Pass. I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her like a hot potato.

"Operator, this is an emergency...what's the number for 911?" - Raquel Ochmonek

Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF: The day they met me?
Lynn: Think again.
ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking.
ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.

ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.

Kate: Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
ALF: It was an atomic bomb.
Willie: It was a pool heater.
ALF: Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
Kate: Yes, they do.
ALF: They do? Can we go over?

"He's quick, I'll give 'em that!" - ALF

ALF: Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?

ALF: Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish.

"Let’s have a snack now, we'll get friendly later. You got a cat?" - ALF

Dude111 "Ah man!!"

"Key Kate, I'm the King of France." - ALF

Dorothy: You don't have to make rude noises.
ALF: That's okay. I don't mind.

ALF: [At Lucky's funeral] I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed. "And if I die before I wake chicken fry me like a steak."

Alf:
Willy our little girls' growing up !
Seems like just yesterday she was wearing her 1st training bra !
Which raises the question:
"What can they do now that they couldn't do before ?"

ALF: [At Lucky's funeral] I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed. "And if I die before I wake chicken fry me like a steak."

:lol:

I’m so tired, I’m blinking in slow motion.

You shouldn’t move like that in chess, Willie!
Why not?
Because I’m losing!

A family is kind of like a herd, only smaller.

I noticed you’re always fixing something, Willie.
That’s because you’re always breaking something, ALF.
Good thing our hobbies complement each other!

Willie Tanner{as narrator}: This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night he came.
Willie signed off on his ham radio when it starts oscillating wildly. Kate rushes in garage
Kate Tanner: Willie, the house is shaking!
Lynn and Brian rush in garage
Lynn Tanner: Daddy, the power went out in the house!
Brian Tanner: Dad, I'm scared!
Loud crash is heard; Tanner family sees a UFO crashed into their roof
Lynn: What just happened?
Willie: We have a visitor.
Tanners see an unconscious ALF in the canopy

ALF, it’s a puzzle.
It’s broken.
That’s the point, ALF. You’re supposed to put it together.
Why? I didn’t break it.

[ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting]
ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF: The day they met me?
Lynn: Think again.
ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking.
ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.

What are you watching?

I'm watching you spill popcorn
all over the floor.

Oh, yeah.
Careful where you step.

Oh, "Casablanca!"

Yeah. Great film.

[sound of cans opening, Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]
Kate: I said no soda pop.
Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.
Gordon 'ALF' Shumway: [burps] You're about out of Coors!

Which tea do you prefer, herbal or regular?
I prefer scotch.

ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
Kate: Why?
ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Kate: Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.
ALF: Rules rules rules.
ALF: Grease fire grease fire.
ALF: Never mind the curtains put me out.

Let’s eat first, and then you can be friendly.

ALF: I think I'll call him Paul.
Lynn: Paul? That's not a goofy name.

Is it just me, or is there some tension in the room? ALF

Brian: Hey, ALF. What are you doing?
ALF: I'm running away from home.
Paul: Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Brian: Why are you running away?
Paul: None of your business! [laughs]
Brian: I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]
ALF: Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Paul: Shut up and keep tacking.

"I'm not short, I'm just more down-to-earth than other people." - Alf

Willie: Kate, this lasagna looks really great!
ALF: Very well worth the interminable wait.
Willie: I asked you twice to stop doing that.
ALF: What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.
Willie: You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.
ALF: No problem, Willie. Have it your way.
Willie: Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.
Kate: What?
Willie: He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!
Lynn: [comes home, angry] What a creep! I never want to see him again! [she heads upstairs]
Willie: I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.
Kate: We should go see if she's all right. [she and Willie head upstairs]
ALF: Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]

Willie: And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.
ALF: Play-doh.
Willie: That's it.
ALF: The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.

Willie is working on his car but bumps his head on the hood when ALF honks the horn
ALF: Horn works!
Willie{sarcastic}: Thank you.
ALF: Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident!

ALF: (about Lucky) Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: 'Cause I was chasing him with a fork.

Policeman: Are you Mr. & Mrs. Tanner?
Willie: Yes, Officer. What can I do for you?
Policeman presents captured burglar
Policeman: This man actually chased us down two blocks and begged us to arrest him!
Burglar: What I did was wrong, and I must be punished.
Policeman: We will get to that, for right now just relax. Do you own these?
Policeman presents stolen items
Kate: That is my brooch and my jewelry box!
Willie: My cufflinks!
Policeman: If you come to the station and complete a report for us, you can have them back...if you want them back.
Burglar: Come on, you promised, you promised!
Policeman: OK, OK! Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, this man claims he was motivated to surrender himself to us on account of seeing an odd creature with a big nose wearing a blue dress.
Mrs. Ochmonek: Well, I will go home now.
Mrs. Ochmonek is wearing a frumpy blue dress
Policeman: Well, at least you will not be able to plead insanity.

You know, I don't think that
Raquel is gonna rest

until she gets her spaceman.

What if we borrowed
a hairy animal

and let it loose on her yard?

Define hairy animal.

A goat.

An ant-rater.

A baboon. Yeah, no.
No an orangutan.

- That's orange.
- Who're you calling orange?

I'm burnt sienna.

I'm sorry ALF. No offense.

Well, none taken.

You hairless pink suburbanite.

Kate: Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?
Willie: Yeah, going on three years now.
Kate: No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.
Willie: Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.
Kate: Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!
[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]
Trevor: [off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!
[Willie opens the door.]
Willie: Morning.
Trevor: Good morning. I'll take it.
Kate: Take what?
Trevor: Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]
Willie: [reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?
Trevor: Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.
Willie: No. I mean, we're not selling the house.
Kate: Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.
Trevor: Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]

"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - ALF

ALF - "I don't need to go out and make new friends. I have the best friends, including Dorothy, anyone could have."

Hey, Kate,
get a load of this.

A stamp, commemorating
some guy walking on the moon.

ALF, it was one of mankind's
greatest moments.

Big deal!

I was the first Melmacian
to wash my hands before eating.

Nobody put me on a stamp.

Maybe you
should've used soap.

Ha. Ha.

Paul: Give me some nuts.
ALF: But I don't want any nuts.
Paul: I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]

“Aren’t you guys happy? You are here on Gilligan’s island?” –ALF

Jake Ochmonek: Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!
Willie starts engine and it sputters to life
Willie: Wow! Thank you, Jake!
Jake Ochmonek: You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?
ALF: It means Willie was gypped!
Willie: ALF!
Jake Ochmonek: Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.

Once again, Kate,
excellent meat loaf.

Once again, Kate, meat loaf.

Uh, for your information,
that was Salisbury steak.

Great. Meat loaf
with an attitude.

I'm on the freeway. The one headed to Oxnard.

Hi, ALF.

Hi.

What does
E-N-N-U-I spell?

Beats me.

What do we send
you to school for?

Beats me.

Oh, I always say,
"Never send a Weedwhacker to do a garden weasel's job."

ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.

Thanksgiving on Melmac

wasn't called thanksgiving.

It was called fappiano.

And we didn't eat turkey.

Instead, we sat down

to a nice, big,
juicy, stuffed...

Time out! We know exactly
what you're gonna say, ALF.

And you know that
we find that offensive.

What was I gonna say?

Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed..

...cat.

I was always partial
to the dark meat.

Trevor Ochmonek: Hey, Willie! Could we borrow some of your tools?
Willie: Sure. They're in your garage.

And these grocery bills!

Well, we can't touch those.

Although, I might point out
that filet of cat

is cheaper than roast of beef.