Maude & Vivian:

Maude:

Maude Findlay : Walter, if you don't want my daughter and my only grandchild living here with us just tell me.

Walter Findlay : And...?

Maude Findlay : And I'll rip your heart out.

Maude Findlay : When he says wife, he means possession.

Walter Findlay : So what, Maude? You told me a hundred times you want to be possessed.

Maude Findlay : Walter Findlay, I never said that standing up and you know it.

Kathy & Maude:

Maude Findlay : [to Walter] You know your red tie makes you look like Dan Rather... Of course, your paisley tie makes you look like Morley Safer. I think it's safer to look like Rather - unless you'd rather look like Safer.

Carol: "Mrs. Naugatuck sings like a bird and works like a horse."
Walter: "Which is an improvement over your mother who works like a bird and sings like a horse."
Maude: [Yelling from upstairs] "God'll get you for that Walter."
Walter: "And has ears like a rabbit"

Maude Findlay : Francie, this is Florida. My dear, dear friend, probably the best friend I have in the whole world.

Florida Evans : I'm the maid.

Arthur: "I hear when the mob moves into the neighborhood it becomes very safe. You
see people walking the streets all hours."
Maude: "Of course they're walking, they're terrified of starting their cars." "Boom!"

Dr. Arthur Harmon: (Vivian gives a deceased woman back a brooch Arthur took from her) How could Vivian do such a thing?
Maude Findlay: Don't worry, Arthur. Hatti will give it back to Agnes. She's bound to run into her down there.

Maude & Walter:

Carol Traynor:
[Maude is scribbling on a piece of paper] Mother, what are you doing?

Maude Findlay:
I'm just figuring how many yards of tubing it'll take from the exhaust pipe to the rear window on a '69 Corvair.

Florida: "Now the first week will be on a trial basis."
Maude: "Oh Florida, don't be ridiculous, you're not on trial."
Florida: "I know, you are!"

Walter & Maude:

Maude:

Maude Findlay : When he says wife, he means possession. ...

Maude:

Maude Findlay : [Holding up her high school cheerleading sweater, which has an "M" on the front] I can remember when the "M" covered my whole chest.
Walter Findlay : Now, you have enough room to spell out "MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY".

Maude:

Maude Findlay:
[referring to Carol's ample bosom] To think I bought you your first training bra. Look how you've broken training.

Maude:

Maude Findlay : Florida, if we wanted Geraldine we'd get Flip Wilson.

Maude:

Walter & Maude:

Salesman: I'm hoping to get excepted in one of the big eastern universities.
Maude Findlay: Well before you think about college, you should learn to read. That sign says 'No Solicitors'.

Carol, Mrs. Naugatuck & Maude:

https://cdn.quotesgram.com/img/67/79/1719900878-tumblr_ngo6tfebaE1ss5no7o1_500.png

Maude & Florida:

Vivian Harmon : [after Walter has a heart attack, he pretends that he is feeble so Maude will feel sorry for him. He attempts to do some knitting] Arthur, what about S-E-X?"
Maude Findlay : SEX? Vivian, he can hardly K-N-I-T.

Maude:

Vivian:

Maude Findlay : [Answering the phone] Hello? No, this is not Mr. Findlay. This is Mrs. Findlay. Mr. Findlay has a mustache.

Maude:

Maude Findlay : If you don't get back at all, we'll understand.

Dr. Arthur Harmon : I know that, Maudie, that's why i'm coming back if it kills me.

Maude Findlay : On those terms, I'll accept

Kathy to Maude:

Maude & Vivian:

Maude:

Roy:

Arthur & Roy:

Maude & Arthur:

Maude:

Walter Findlay : I finally got him to stop.
Maude Findlay : Gently, I hope.
Walter Findlay : Of course. I told him to shut the hell up.

Walter & Mrs. Naugatuck:

Dr. Arthur Harmon:
I hear when a mob moves into a neighborhood it becomes very safe. You see people walking the streets all hours.

Maude Findlay:
Of course they're walking, they're terrified of starting their cars!

Carol & Maude:

Vivian: "...Maude's never polite."
Maude: "That's right, so shut up, Arthur."

Maude: "I was very popular with the boys in the Sixth Fleet during World War II."

Vivian: "...she's speechless!"
Arthur: "I'd like a picture of that."

Vivian: (to Maude)"You saw a flying saucer!"

Maude: "...even crazy Vivian thinks I'm crazy."

Walter: "It works for me."

Maude: "He burps in his sleep."

(Last line of the series.)
Maude: "I'll tell you what. I think tomorrow. First..."

Maude Findlay : [referring to Carol's ample bosom] To think I bought you your first training bra. Look how you've broken training.

Mrs. Naugatuck:

Maude Findlay : Walter, if you don't want my daughter and my only grandchild living here with us just tell me.
Walter Findlay : And...?
Maude Findlay : And I'll rip your heart out.

Maude:

Maude Findlay: (about stuffed dog) How do you like our little puppy? It's been in the family for years.
Francie Potter: Then you should take the price tag off.

Maude Findlay : [to Walter] You know your red tie makes you look like Dan Rather... Of course, your paisley tie makes you look like Morley Safer. I think it's safer to look like Rather - unless you'd rather look like Safer.

Walter:

Maude Findlay : If you don't get back at all, we'll understand.
Dr. Arthur Harmon : I know that, Maudie, that's why i'm coming back if it kills me.
Maude Findlay : On those terms, I'll accept.

Maude, Mrs. Naugatuck & Walter:

Vivian Harmon : [after Walter has a heart attack, he pretends that he is feeble so Maude will feel sorry for him. He attempts to do some knitting] Arthur, what about S-E-X?"
Maude Findlay : SEX? Vivian, he can hardly K-N-I-T.

Maude:

Marta:

Walter Findlay : [after giving Walter an uncooked chicken after an argument] That chicken is frozen.
Maude Findlay : You think that's frozen, wait and see what you get in bed tonight.

Walter & Mrs. Naugatuck:

Mrs. Naugatuck& Maude:

Maude Findlay : [at a party where they all dress as their favorite year] Mrs. Naugatuck, what was your favorite year?

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck : Well, I don't know what my favorite year is, but I can tell you my least favorite. 1492.

Maude Findlay : 1492? Why 1492?

Mrs. Nell Naugatuck : Because if Columbus hadn't discovered this flipping country, I wouldn't be working here tonight!

Florida:

Vivian: I've never actually seen a body that wasn't alive before.
Maude Findlay: Vivian, what are you talking about? You've been married to Arthur for three years.

Maude & Mrs. Naugatuck:

Maude & Naugatuck:

Walter Findlay: Maude, did you wreck the car again?
Maude Findlay: Did you hear that, everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not "Maude, are you sick?" Or "Maude, are you unhappy?" Or even, "Maude, are you pregnant?" No, "Maude, did you wreck the car again?"
Walter Findlay: You're right, darling. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. So tell me, are you sick?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy?
Maude Findlay: No.
Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant?
Maude Findlay: Yes.

Mayde & Mrs Naugatuck:

Maude Findlay:
[sighing] Look, don't you ever say anything?

Psychiatrist:
[Mildly] Ah ha.

Maude Findlay:
That's what I get for fifty dollars a session, ah ha? If I give you sixty will you bark?

Maude & Walter:

Henry/James:

Florida:

Maude & Florida:

Walter Findlay : [after giving Walter an uncooked chicken after an argument] That chicken is frozen.
Maude Findlay : You think that's frozen, wait and see what you get in bed tonight.

Marta & Maude:

Maude & Mrs. Naugatuck:

Maude Findlay : Florida, if we wanted Geraldine we'd get Flip Wilson.

Maude:

Maude Findlay: (about stuffed dog) How do you like our little puppy? It's been in the family for years.
Francie Potter: Then you should take the price tag off.