Jill: [about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?
Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish.

Jill: [to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?

Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.

Jill (about Tim's kilt): Hey, you look great.
Tim: You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

Jill: Why do they call it a monkey wrench?
Tim: They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.

Tim: Is there anything you DON'T know, Wilson?
Wilson: I don't know.

Tim: You see, after thirteen years of marriage . . .
Jill: Fourteen!

Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!
Tim: Technically, I was the problem.

Jill: I'll be going upstairs now...
Tim: You want company?
Jill: No, just you.
Tim: [because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?
Jill: Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

Jill: I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?

Randy: Did you rebel against your father?

Tim: He died before I could be a real jerk.

Randy: He'd be proud if he could see you now.

Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, 'Al'.

Jill: It's that bad, huh?

If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it.
— Tim Taylor

[Jill is listening to opera music]

Tim Taylor:
Jill, I can't work with this noise!

Jill Taylor:
How can you call that noise?

Tim Taylor:
That's not noise, that's a proctology exam!

Tim:
[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'll give you a leg of multiple compound fractions.

Tim:
[Gagging] Do you suppose there's room for one more skier in that car?

Tim: We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.

Tim Taylor: Ah, I don't mind the boys that much.

Tim: [with a piece of table stuck to his head] I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.
Karen: No, they also glue.

Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?
Wilson: Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.
Jill: But does he understand everything you say?
Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener

Tim: Would I help if I said I was sorry?
Jill: It might.
Tim: I'm sorry.
Jill: It didn't.

Tim: [after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?
Al: I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Tim Taylor:
What're you doin'?

Wilson:
Just carving out a canoe, Tim.

Tim Taylor:
...Sounds hard.

Wilson:
Not really, Tim - you just take a big block of wood, and chip away everything that's not a canoe.

[Jill is listening to opera music]

Tim Taylor:
Jill, I can't work with this noise!

Jill Taylor:
How can you call that noise?

Tim Taylor:
That's not noise, that's a proctology exam!

Tim-"That is a man's dishwasher!"

God bless you always!!!

Holly

P.S. BOOM!!! :D :D :D

Al:
It's The Tiki Hut Cookbook.

Heidi:
Do you like it?

Al:
I love this. Now I can make pu-pu at home.

Brad:
You lied to me, you said I could go to the truck rally.

Tim:
Does sneaking out and breaking windows ring a bell to you?

Brad:
Ah, why don't you just go...

[mutters]

Tim:
What did you just say to me?

Brad:
Nothing.

Tim:
You just got two more days, pal.

Brad:
Fine, pal.

Tim: What are you up to?
Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait

Wilson:
Maybe the good doctor has ESP.

Tim:
What does having a cable sports channel have to do with this?

Jill:
Thanks for making me look bad.

[Wilson offers Tim an ancient wooden African throne]

Tim:
It's nice, but if I'm gonna be sitting on a throne, it's gonna be porcelain, my friend.

Jill:
What causes sibling rivalry?

Tim:
Having more than one kid!

[in song]

Wilson:
I told my baby how I was feeling.

Tim:
A big wooden ball fell down from the ceiling.

Wilson:
Now we're gonna have a discussion.

Tim:
Cuz my baby gave me a concussion.

Wilson & Tim:
We got the low down croquet ball blues.

[Tim's reading the instructions to the pilot light]

Tim:
"Hold 15 seconds, and..."

Randy:
Open your mouth, or the shock-waves from the blast will make your head explode.

[holds mouth wide open]

Randy:
[Trick or Treaters at the door consist of a Buzz Lightyear and Simba the lion] Okay, 2 for the space man and seven for the cute little lion.

[about the show's prospects in Europe]

Tim:
My show will succeed because of two words: Jerry Lewis.

Harry:
It will be a cold day in July before I let you anywhere near my hardware store.

^^^ I love what Delores had to say in return. :D :D :D

God bless you always!!!

Holly

[Discussing Wes Davidson, the new president of Binford Tools]

Tim:
I don't have a problem with Davidson.

Jill:
You think he's a weasel.

Tim:
I don't have a problem with that.

Tim: What are you up to?
Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.

Al:
Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage?

Tim:
I don't think so, Al.

Brad:
He wouldn't!

Mark:
He couldn't!

Randy:
He's Dad!

Tim:
My pneumatic dry-wall stilts.

Al:
Pneumatic dry-wall stilts?

Tim:
Is there an echo in the building?

Tim:
If it doesn't say "Binford", someone else made it.

Tim:
Wilson, let's say you didn't have my phone number and you wanted to call me.

Wilson:
I have your phone number, Tim.

Tim:
But what if you didn't?

Wilson:
I suppose I'd ask you for it.

Tim:
But what if you didn't know me?

Wilson:
Then why would I want to call you?

Tim:
[sees his hot rod covered in snow] My hot rod!

Brad:
You always said you wanted a snow-mobile.

Randy:
It's not junk, it's Heavy Metal

Tim:
My pneumatic dry-wall stilts.

Al:
Pneumatic dry-wall stilts?

Tim:
Is there an echo in the building?

Tim Taylor:
My son has been having a little trouble with your boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
The bishop?

Tim Taylor:
No, THE boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
Springsteen?

Tim Taylor:
HIS boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
[finally realizing] Oh...

Tim:
[Gagging] Do you suppose there's room for one more skier in that car?

Jill:
What causes sibling rivalry?

Tim:
Having more than one kid!

Tim:
Oh no, we overslept.

Al:
I have to go.

Tim:
No, stick around awhile.

Al:
[Running outside] No, I mean I have to GO.

Tim:
We have a bathroom in the house, Al.

Tim: You diss the boss, that means you lost.

Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?

Tim: We have a very special show for you today.
Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?
Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy

Jill: (to Tim)"Every time you fix something, the fire department shows up."

“That's a nice costume, Mrs. Taylor. You can't even tell how fat you are.”
— Curtis