Bud Anderson:
You've been around so long and seen so much and done so much, and still manage to look so good.

Baliff, to Kathy (who Jim is using as a witness to his illegal parking): Do you swear to tell the truth and the whole truth?

Kathy: If I do I'm gonna be in trouble.

St. Peter:
We keep throwing difficult choices in your path to test you, and it's the decisions you make that shape you into what you are.

Jim (to his father-in-law, who's holding his stomach): Shall I get a doctor?

Father-in-Law: Nah, I'm too sick to see a doctor.

Bud Anderson:
This is a special delivery for Dad from the Universal Alumni Association.

Jim Anderson:
I wonder how much money they want now. [Bud is shaking Jim's letter, trying to read it] Why don't you hold it up to the light so you can see it better?

Bud Anderson:
Never thought of that. [Holds it up to the light] Can't see a thing.

Jim Anderson:
Bud, as long as it's addressed to me, do you mind letting me have it?

James 'Bud' Anderson, Jr.:
Boy what a break, sweet and tender.

Kathy:
You can always depend on me.

Bud: Dad, why do we cut this lawn? It' just grows up again.

Jim: Why do we eat? We just get hungry again.

Margaret Anderson:
[after Jim's plan appears to be working] You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

Jim Anderson:
Well, you know what they say - "Father...

Betty 'Princess' Anderson:
- crows best".

Kathy/Kitten:

Jim & Bud:

Bud Anderson: I saw your insurance chart once and it says the life expectancy of the average man is...

Jim Anderson: Bud, for your information, I look barely in my '40s. That hardly qualifies me for the home for the aged. Yet.

Bud & Jim:

Kathy: Aww! Turn Blue.

(Jim is in municipal court for a traffic ticket, and Kathy is called as a witness)

Bailiff: Do you swear ..... tell the truth ... etc.?

Kathy: I'll be in trouble if I do.

Les Turner:
How come a smart old coot like you gave yourself away? You knew that smoke in the chimney would lead me right to you.

Nick:
Yeah, sure, but you gotta take a chance when you're lonely.

Les Turner:
You're lonely?

Nick:
Being alone ain't what makes a man lonely. That's just times when a man needs more. You take like... like Christmas Eve.

Jim:

Margaret Anderson:
Do you happen to have a truck that can pull our car out or know someone who has one?

Nick:
No ma'am, I don't. Won't do no good anyway. Driftin' might stout out there tonight.

Margaret Anderson:
We've got to get home or we won't have any Christmas!

Nick:
No? Well now, did you ever think of this? It's Christmas up here, too.

(This could be a rerun!)

Bud: Hey, Dad, why do we cut the grass? It just grows right back up again.

Jim: Well, why do you eat? You just get hungry again.

Jim Anderson:
That's what I said! Famous! We are on the verge of becoming a famous family!

Betty 'Princess' Anderson:
Well, why? How do we rate that?

Kathy 'Kitten' Anderson:
What did we do, Daddy?

Jim Anderson:
Well, I'm not exactly sure! All I know is we're gonna be written up in a magazine!

Jim: Well, now, tell me, do you think you could do a better job with Kathy than we're doing?

Bud: Who couldn't?

Jim & Margaret:

Bud:
[speaking to Kathy] Why, this is the goofiest idea you ever had. Framing your birth certificate?

Kathy & Bud:

Bud Anderson:
How many were in your class, Dad?

Jim Anderson:
Oh, 2-300 I guess.

Bud Anderson:
How many are left?

Bud:

James 'Jim' Anderson:
[Tries to cheer sulking Kathy] Well, Kitten, it won't be long now. Pretty soon, we'll get a glimpse of old Santa's boot coming down the chimney.

James 'Bud' Anderson Jr.:
If it does, she'll give him a hotfoot!

Betty:

Margaret Anderson: Well, I suppose Father knows best.

Margaret:

Margaret Anderson:
When a man comes in the door - sisterly love flies out the window.

Bud:

[the Anderson family are trapped at an abandoned mountain lodge on Christmas Eve]

Betty 'Princess' Anderson:
We've got to get back. If I don't go to the Christmas party, I'll die!

James 'Jim' Anderson:
Well, don't do it out here. Wait until you get inside where it's warmer.

Betty:

Nick:
What's your name, son?

James 'Bud' Anderson Jr.:
Bud, sir.

Nick:
Bud, sir. Good straight-forward name, son.

James 'Bud' Anderson Jr.:
What's yours?

Nick:
Mine? Mine's Nick - or it's Old Nick or it's That Old Man. The name's a label, but the label isn't the important thing - it's what's inside the package that counts.

Kathy:

Librarian (to Bud): What did you say?

Bud: YES, MA'AM

Librarian: Keep your voice down!

[Opening introduction]

Robert Young:
For tonight only, while the family's on vacation, we have the opportunity to present a special program. It's a dramatic story set in Arizona in the year 1860. In a few seconds, when again we meet, I'll be one of five passengers riding the stage to Yuma, which happens to be the title of our story.

Margaret & Jim:

Frank, the gardener: I have no place to go right now, so it is too early to go there.

Betty:

Kathy & Betty:

Jim:

Jim & Kathy/Kitten:

Margaret Anderson:
Do you happen to have a truck that can pull our car out or know someone who has one?

Nick:
No ma'am, I don't. Won't do no good anyway. Driftin' might stout out there tonight.

Margaret Anderson:
We've got to get home or we won't have any Christmas!

Nick:
No? Well now, did you ever think of this? It's Christmas up here, too.

Bud & Margaret:

Bud Anderson:
You've been around so long and seen so much and done so much, and still manage to look so good.

Jim Anderson:
Thanks a lot!

Bud Anderson:
I think you look real young. Honest. Younger than Joe Phillips' dad, younger than Claude Mesner's uncle, why even younger than...

Jim Anderson:
Bud, before you have me back in kindergarten, see who's at the door, will you?

Kathy (to Howard, in No Partiality): To be honest, I'm kind of a brat!

[last lines]

Jim Anderson:
[browsing through a list of college courses] There's another one here - Animal Husbandry. You know, if they can make good husbands out of animals, maybe they can do something for me!

Marcia:

Jim to Margaret:

"Hello, honey. What's burning?"

Kathy & Jim:

Margaret Anderson: I don't know how she got the mail, I put it in my apron pocket and

[feels her dress, looks at Kathy]

Margaret Anderson: my *apron* is gone!

Bud:

Bud to Jim:

"Getting beat at Scrabble, eh?"

(Approx. dialog)

Jim has called a family meeting about overspending.

(Phone rings--Kathy gets it)

Jim: And that's another thing. You kids make entirely too many calls. I can never get thru on the phone.

Kathy: It's for you, daddy.

Myrtle Davis to Margaret Anderson:

"I hate to see you grow old without a struggle."

Jim:

Jim: "Time has come for us to tighten our belts."

(Kathy is working a writing a a Father of the Year nomination for Jim)
(dialog approximate)

Kathy: Daddy, how do you spell handsome?

Jim: H-A-N-D-S-O-M-E

Kathy: How do you spell generous?

Jim: G-E-N-E-R-O-U-S

Kathy: Daddy, I can't make it on 35 cents a week. I need 50 cents.

Jim: That's preposterous. 50 cents is too much for a little girl.

Kathy: Daddy, how do you spell stingy?

Jim: Well, maybe we could stretch a point and give you 50 cents.

Old Man [to Margaret, who he mistakes for his daughter]: Do what your papa says, your papa knows best.
Jim: "Papa knows best"? Now what in the world ever put a fool idea like that in his head?