Post your favorite lines/quotes from Leave it to Beaver:



"Beaver" Cleaver: You know something, Wally? I'd rather do nothin' with you than somethin' with anybody else.

An Eddie & June quote:

Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.

An Eddie & June quote:

Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.
I guess I never heard Eddie say that. I would have thunk of something mean to say back to him

I guess I never heard Eddie say that. I would have thunk of something mean to say back to him

Yeah his compliments didn't always sound complimentary.

A Ward & Beaver quote/line:

Ward Cleaver: Beaver, you know what Larry was doing was wrong. You could have stopped him

"Beaver" Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I have enough trouble keeping myself good without keeping all the other kids good.

In "Beaver Runs Away":
Wally: "Hey, Dad! He (Beaver) said he was going to join the pirates
and come back with a wooden leg!"
June: "Ward Cleaver, if he does, Ill never SPEAK to you again!"

Larry:"I don't like this meatloaf much and I don't the way your mom cooks
carrots either. This is kinda a crummy house to run away to".
Beaver:"Then why didn't you run away to somebody's else's house?".
Larry:"Cause you're my best friend and I'm giving you dibs on me."

^ Good one! ^

A Eddie quote:

From "Mother's Day Composition"
My Famous Mother by Theodore Cleaver
My famous mother ran away from home when she was 17 to be a dancer.
She tried to get a job dancing as a chorus girl. (That's a lady who dances in
her bare feet) but she couldn't so she got a job dancing in dives, also beer parlors and joints. One day a big gangster put my famous mother in a show
and she was a big success. Then the gangster got arrested but my mother
didn't. She was in 5 more shows but quit when she married my father, who
was a tap dancer.

Some of my favorite lines are Wally's philosophy. Some examples...

Beaver: Wally, what's an optimist?
Wally: Well, that's the kind of a guy who, if he fell of a five-hundred-foot cliff, would keep saying to himself "Everything's gonna be alright" all the way down.

Beaver: Wally, why was Dad telling us that story about that Pandora girl [at the dinner table]?
Wally: Well, he told the story mostly to me. I think I'm supposed to have a guilty conscience about something .... I guess I'll just have to find out what's bothering Dad and then to make up some excuse for why I did it.

June: Wally, what are you doing home in the middle of the morning?
Wally: Well, the school nurse saw me and said I looked a little peaked, and maybe I should go home for the rest of the day-- and I didn't want to argue with her.

Beaver: Gee, Dad, I don't want to be a squealer.
Ward: Well Beaver, I understand that-- but this is a little different situation. You see, by giving your name to the police, this other boy put you in jeopardy.
Beaver: Huh?
Wally: What Dad means is, it's not really squealing if you rat on a rat.

Ward: Wally, when it comes to making a good impression, no one has ever come up with a better formula than just being yourself.
Wally: Well that's the thing, Dad. When I was being myself, that's when she [Julie] went for the other guy.

Ward Cleaver: That's the trouble with kids. Just when you think you've built up a real understanding with them, a real man-to-man relationship, they turn right around and start acting like children!

In, "Beaver's Newspaper" MAPLE DRIVE NEWS
DOG FIGHT - There was a dogfight at Vista Drive. The dogs were Chief that
lives at 8718 Lakeview Terrace and another dog who we don't know his
address. The dogs was not hurt. If you see the other dog tell him to go
home even though you don't know where he lives.
NOTICE - At 8509 Grand Ave. there is some boy's everyday that is throwing
dirt in Linda and Shelly Thompson's hair. Mrs. Thompson would like if the
boys would throw dirt in other kid's hairs besides Linda's and Shelly's.
WEATHER REPORT - This week there was no weather so the paper does
not have any. Next week the paper will have weather if there is any.
CORRECT TIME - You want the correct time, call the phone company, but
do not talk to the lady because she is a record.
NEWS - The frozen stick ice cream man was around yesterday, and also
Johnny the ice cream man was around yesterday. If they both come
around tomorrow, buy it from Johnny!

Wally: "Beaver, you've got $9 saved up, how about if you lend me some
dough, huh?"
Beaver:"Why should I!"
Wally: "Cause I'm short!"
Beaver:"You're not short from giving ME free ice cream, you're short from
giving your crummy FRIENDS free ice cream."
Wally: "Boy, Beaver you're a rat!"
Beaver:"Yeah, but I'm a rat with 9 dollars!"

Mrs. Mondello: "Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we'd have a man around to give it to Larry when his father's out of town."

Mrs. Mondello: "I think if Larry's sister, had some of Larry's charm, she'd
of been married long ago!"

Beaver: "Violet Rutherford drinks gutter water."

FRED:"Say, Ward, Gwen and I have been meaning to get together with you
folks. How would a picnic this weekend, up at Friend's Lake, strike
you and the little bride."
WARD:"Oh, sounds great!"
FRED:"We asked the Anderson's, he's president of the Trust company, but
they had some people come in from, out of town unexpectedly. So
we thought you could fill in, and the weekend wouldn't be a total
loss!"

Eddie: "Good Evening, Mrs. Cleaver."
June: "My, you look nice!"
Eddie: "Thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. Wally and I are escorting two young ladies
to the movies, this evening."
June: "Oh, who are you taking?"
Eddie: "Wally hasn't told me yet!"

An Eddie quote/line:

In "Last Day of School", the store gets June's gift for Miss Landers switched.
Wally: "Boy, Beaver it's a slip!"
Beaver:"That's some kind of ladies underwear, isn't it ?"
Wally: "Sure, it's some kind of ladies underwear!"
Beaver:"Gee, Wally, I can't give Miss Landers underwear, in front of the
whole class!"
Wally: "Well, maybe you could, you're just a little kid."
Beaver:"Yeah . . . but I'm not that little of a kid!"

June:"Oh, Ward, I'm glad you're home. Did you see Beaver down the street
anywhere?"
Ward:"No, why?"
June: "Well, he was here, then, about 2 hours ago, he disappeared, and I'm
worried about him."
Wally:"Gee, Mom he's not in the attic, and he's not in the cellar, I don't think
he'd run away this close to his birthday, though!"

Eddie:"This is the last afternoon, you will be seeing me around, Mrs. Cleaver"
June: "Really, Eddie?"
Eddie:"Yes, I'm getting a job, after school and on weekends, I've convinced my father, that it's the best thing to do, if I'm going to look forward to a
business career."
June:"Yes, well, Wally might like a job, but, of course, he has track practice,
every afternoon!"
Eddie:"Well, yes, but perhaps, I'm making the right decision, Mrs. Cleaver,
after all, I've heard of very few men, who have become millionaires running
the 220!"

Beaver: "Hey Wally, goofy Lumpy is here."
Lumpy: "Look kid, to you the name is Clarence."
Beaver: "Hey Wally, goofy Clarence is here."

Eddie:"Good evening, Mrs. Cleaver, I hope I'm not interrupting your dinner."
June: "No, no, we're all through, Mr Cleaver and I just finished the dishes!"
Eddie:"Oh, I guess that's the advantage of not having a maid. You're not at
mercy of the help, like my mother is!"
June: "You mean your mother has a maid now?"
Eddie:"Well, she's really an exchange student, working her way through
school. But, my mother persuaded her to wear a uniform!"

Ward:"Beaver, Wally doesn't have to do everything Eddie and Tooey do!
If they jumped off a roof, you wouldn't expect him to, would you?"
Beaver:"How high a roof, Dad?"

Beaver:"Tomorrow, we're having a pet fair, and today, we gotta tell what
pets, we're bringing in tomorrow."
Ward: "Well, Beaver, the reason you don't have a pet is because you didn't
take care of your rabbit, and you didn't take care of your pigeons!"
Wally: "Yeah, you even goofed up your goldfish!"
June: "Beaver, there will be lots of children in your class that won't have
pets."
Beaver"Yeah, Mom, all the creeps!"

Gilbert:"Beaver, you've got bugs!"
Beaver:"No, I don't, I took a bath last night!"
Gilbert:"I mean on your bushes!"
Beaver:"Oh yeah, a guy came around on a truck, and was going to croak'em
but he wanted too much money, so my Dad's going to croak'em
himself!"

A Ward Cleaver quote:

The most Interesting Character I Have Ever Known - by Theodore Cleaver
The most Interesting Character I have ever known is my father, Mr. Ward
Cleaver. My father was born right here in this town, and still lives in it.
He has a very interesting job. He goes to the office everyday, except Satur-
day and Sunday, and Christmas and ThanksGiving and all the other
holidays! He is also married to my mother, and has two sons, me and
Wally. The interesting things, he did today was put up screens, he also
took the car to get a new fan belt, which was loose. He can fix things and
take a pill without water!


#1

The Most Interesting Character I Have Ever Known (Wally's spiced version)
The most interesting character I ever knew was my father, Mr. Ward
Cleaver. He was born at the mouth of the Amazon, which is a river,
and when he was a baby, he was stolen out of his crib by a crocodile.
In the knick of time he was saved by a friendly headhunter, with a
blowgun! During the war, he was a secret general, where he had many
interesting experiences! Now, he has a job in an office, but he really works
for the FBI. On Sundays, he goes to the beach, and saves a lot of people
from drowning!


#2

Final Version: by Theodore Cleaver
The most interesting character I have ever known, is my father, Mr. Ward
Cleaver. He does not have an interesting job. He just works hard and takes care of all of us. He never shot things, in Africa, or not saved anybody that
was drowning, but, that's all right with me. Because, when I am sick, he
brings me ice cream, and, when I tell him things or ask things, he always
listens to me! And, he would use up a whole Saturday, to make junk with
me in the garage! He may not be interesting to you or someone else,
because he's not your father. Just mine!

A June & Eddie line/quote:

Miss Canfield: "Theodore..."
Beaver: "My name's 'Beaver'."
Miss Canfield: "'Beaver'? Is that your given name?"
Beaver: "Yes ma'am. (pauses) My brother gave it to me."

Ward: "This is getting silly."

Eddie: I agree it takes all the fun out of presents if you know what's in them.

Eddie to Wally: What are you getting?
Wally: I don't know.
Eddie: You mean you haven't been peeking?

Final Version: by Theodore Cleaver
The most interesting character I have ever known, is my father, Mr. Ward
Cleaver. He does not have an interesting job. He just works hard and takes care of all of us. He never shot things, in Africa, or not saved anybody that
was drowning, but, that's all right with me. Because, when I am sick, he
brings me ice cream, and, when I tell him things or ask things, he always
listens to me! And, he would use up a whole Saturday, to make junk with
me in the garage! He may not be interesting to you or someone else,
because he's not your father. Just mine!

Makes me tear up every time.

Eddie quote/lines:

[June has prepared a lovely dinner of barbecued pork ribs]

Ward Cleaver: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I was just thinkin' what I'd do if I was a pig eatin' peoples ribs.

June Cleaver: Beaver, please.

June Cleaver: You know, both of you boys should watch your grammar.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Mom, this is Saturday - they make us watch it all week in school.

In June’s Birthday.

Saleslady-“What size is your mother, Sonny?”
Beaver- “Well she comes up to about here on my father.”
Larry- “She’s about your size except with a different head.”

Beaver: Hey, Wally, what kinda trouble do you think Andy's got?
Wally: I don't know, but it must be somethin' pretty neat if they don't want him to do it around us.

Beaver~ “When I grow up I’m not going to be the type of father who yells at his kids.”

Wally~ “Course ya will. The only father who doesn’t yell at his kids is on television.”

June Cleaver: Do you think all parents have this much trouble?
Ward Cleaver: No - just parents with children.

June Cleaver: I'm worried. I'm worried. About our. About our. Beaver. Beaver."

Ward Cleaver: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I was just thinkin' what I'd do if I was a pig eatin' peoples ribs. June Cleaver: Beaver, please.

June: You’ve been keeping this from me all this time. Your mother didn’t like me.

Ward: Of course she liked you. As a matter of fact she thought you would do me a lot of good.

June: What was wrong with you that I’d do you a lot of good?

Ward: I sucked my thumb.

"Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [snooping in Larry's sister's bedroom] Hey, Larry, what's this?
Larry Mondello: My sister's always puttin' this junk on her hair, so it shouldn't be crummy.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What's this, Larry?
Larry Mondello: That's perfume to make her smell good, and these are beauty cremes she's always smearin' on her face.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Boy, it sure is a lot of trouble bein' a girl.
Larry Mondello: It is, when you look like my sister."

Richard Rickover: I wish I was old enough to cry.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Yeah, now the only place you can cry in public is in the theater when its dark."

Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we'd always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father's out of town.

Ward: ..."Discretion is the better part of valor." (Ward exits.)

Beaver: "Wally, what'd dad mean by that last thing?"

Wally: "That's just a fancy way o' sayin', don't start fights with big guys."

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How come Eddie's such a creepy guy?
Wally Cleaver: He works at it.

From Nobody Loves Me

Richard and Beaver looking at books.

Richard: That's when you get old and start getting social security.

Beaver: What's social security?

Richard: It's when you get too old to work and the government gives you money for doing nothing.

June: I got a call from your principal's office. Do you know why I would need to go to the principal's office?
Beaver: Wally must have done something bad.

Ward is napping in the chair after work.

June: I didn’t hear you come in Beaver wants to talk to you.

Ward: I’ll talk to him after supper I’m pretty tired.

June: Why are you tired.

Ward: From having a gay riotous time at the office. I’ll guess I can see him.

June: Ward you really didn’t have a gay riotous time at the office did you?

Ward: No dear.

June: Well see that you don’t.

Eddie Haskell: Hey, guys, like my new vest? I think it brings out the Peter Lawford in me.

"[Entry in Beaver's diary]
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Went to school. Ate lunch. Saw dead cat. Came home."

Larry Mondello: Beaver punched me in the stomach, right where I almost had my operation.

"Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Cross my heart and hope to spit."

"Ward Cleaver: It's not important what you look like on the outside. It's what you are on the inside that counts."

Wally Cleaver: Gee Dad, how come you know so much about buying cars?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, as unbelievable as it may seem they did have cars in my younger days.
Wally Cleaver: Used cars?

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Boy, I sure wish there was somebody in the family for me to yell at.
Wally Cleaver: That's your tough luck.

Beaver: "Hey, Mom: How come when I was a little kid, you guys started calling me 'Beaver'?"
June: "Well, that started because Wally couldn't pronounce 'Theodore'?"
Beaver: "But why 'Beaver'?"
Ward: "Well, 'Theodore' came out as 'Tweedore,' and we thought 'Beaver' was a little better."

Clarence 'Lumpy' Rutherford: [to Wally when they are ready to fight at school] Lucky for you the bell rang!

June Cleaver: Wally, why aren't you in the school play?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, I'm in it.
June Cleaver: What do you do?
Wally Cleaver: I hold a sign saying, "Just a minute while the wise men are puttin' on their beards.

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all

June Cleaver: Did you see your brother on the way home?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah. He was over by Lake Avenue walkin' in the mud.
June Cleaver: Well, did you tell him to get out of the mud?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, of course not. Why should I spoil his fun? That's for grownups to do.

Beaver : Boy, I sure wish there was somebody in the family for me to yell at.

Wally : That's your tough luck.

June: I got a call from your principal's office. Do you know why I would need to go to the principal's office?
Beaver: Wally must have done something bad.

Ward: How'd the fishing go Beav?

Beaver: Great Dad. We didn't catch any fish, but Larry and I saw a man slip on a wet rock and heard everything he said.

1-25 The Broken Window

The House window gets smashed
Beaver says "Wally shouldn't we run too?"
Wally "We Can't - it's our house"
& later
Wally to June on the Phone says "Everything should to OK by the time you get home."

Wally talking about tricking Ward that there is money vs washers in the piggy bank -
Beaver to Wally - "You Know Wally, your getting more like Eddie Haskell all the time!"
Wally - You cut that out Beaver"

Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.

Wally Cleaver: I don't get that.

Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.

"A thing is either right or it's wrong and if it's wrong in the first place...then it's still wrong no matter how many people do it." - Ward Cleaver

Wally Cleaver: Boy, Beaver, wait'll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They'll really give you the business.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business.
Wally Cleaver: Well, that's because I'm in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business.

Larry: Aw, mom, can't I have just one day when you're not yellin' at me?

Mrs. Mondello: Oh, all right, but if your father was home, he wouldn't care what day it was.

June: That's a nice parakeet, Larry. Does he talk?

Larry: Only to other birds.

I loved how Larry said that about his parakeet.

“I think we can trick any kid who talks to ants.” Not verbatim

(Ward has arrived home from work and is reading the mail in the living room, unbeknownst to June and Wally who have just come down the stairs)

June Cleaver: Now Wally, I want you to go in the living room and pick up those orange peels that you left on the coffee table. If your father comes home and sees them he'll be in a terrible mood all through dinner.

Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I don't want him hollerin' at me again. (June sees Ward in the living room, who has overheard their exchange)

June Cleaver: (sheepishly) Hello Dear. I was upstairs, I didn't know you were home.

Ward Cleaver: Oh yes, the monster has returned to his cave.

June: “Beaver said he wasn’t going to speak to Larry for the rest of his life.”

Ward: “Well when you’re a kid the rest of your life is seldom more than a few hours.”

Mr. Foster: (Mr. Foster is reading out the class grades) Miss Rogers, A, Mr. Haskell, B+, Mr. Cleaver, A-, Mr. Rutherford, F.

Clarence 'Lumpy' Rutherford: An ?F?, Mr. Foster?

Mr. Foster: Yes, Mr. Rutherford. It's the lowest grade they allow me to give.

June Cleaver : Wally, where are you going?

Wally Cleaver : I'm going over to slug Eddie.

June Cleaver : That's no way to talk, this is Sunday.

Wally Cleaver : You're right, I'll wait 'til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria.

June Cleaver: Wally, where are you going?

Wally Cleaver: I'm going over to slug Eddie.

June Cleaver: That's no way to talk, this is Sunday.

Wally Cleaver: You're right, I'll wait 'til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria.

Beaver: "Violet Rutherford drinks gutter water."

June Cleaver: Eddie seems to know a lot about the law.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, he told his father, in three years he's going over the wall.

“I have a girl. She goes away to boarding school. My father says that’s a good indication her family has money.”

Eddie & Wally:

Ward: Well (Beaver), helping your brother study history? Did you learn anything?

Beaver: Yes, sir. History is mostly about killin' people.

Beaver & Wally:

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Hey Larry, how come food tastes better when your eatin' it outside?

Larry Mondello: I don't know. Maybe 'cause if you drop something, nobody's gonna' holler at ya' for gettin' dirt dirty.

Ward: Imagine a boy without enough gumption to be class president!

June: Gumption? Well, for land sakes, granny!

(Ward has opened the car door for June to enter)

June Cleaver: Thank you dear. It's so sweet of you to be the thoughtful husband after all these years.

Ward Cleaver: Your very welcome. Besides the neighbors might be watching.

Lumpy: [to Wally when they are ready to fight at school] Lucky for you the bell rang!

Larry Mondello: Beaver punched me in the stomach, right where I almost had my operation.

Eddie: “What are you gonna do get one of those Homburg hats and try to get into one of those movies for adults only?”

Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.

June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.

Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.

June Cleaver: Ward, wouldn't that be downright sneaky?

Ward Cleaver: Sure, it would. It's the only way we can survive as parents.

Wally Cleaver: Gee Dad, how come you know so much about buying cars?

Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, as unbelievable as it may seem they did have cars in my younger days.

Wally Cleaver: Used cars?

Beaver: Dad, do you wanna know how I really got my feet wet today?

Ward: No, son, I don't. But don't do it again.

Unidentified kid in school hall: What are tonsils for, anyway?

Richard: They catch the crumbs when ya swallow, so ya don't choke on 'em.

Wally Cleaver: Hi Dad. I didn't do anything.

Ward Cleaver: Why do you say that?

Wally Cleaver: Well, I don't know, but, uh, you have that look on your face like somebody did something.

I love the last scene in "The School Picture" I laughed so hard when I heard this exchange between Wally and Beaver:

Beaver: Hey Wally, what's going to happen when I have kids of my own? They're going to come up to me and say 'Hey Beaver, what'd you look like when you were a kid? And I won't have anything to show them!"
Wally: In the first place, your kids aren't gonna call you 'Beaver'."
Beaver: "No? What will they call me?
Wally: They'll call you Dad. What else?
Beaver: Boy, if a kid ever called me Dad, I'd be so scared I wouldn't know what to do!"

Wally: No you wouldn't. You'd probably feel creepy at first but then you'd get used to it like Dad did."

June Cleaver: Ward, I'm very worried about the Beaver.

June: Beaver, you're all flushed.

Beaver: I'm not flushed on the inside, I'm just flushed on the outside.

Wally: He means he's sunburned, Mom.

Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.

Wally Cleaver: I don't get that.

Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.

Beaver, to Wally: You don't know anything about cars.

Wally: Look, Beaver, as soon as a guy gets over 15, he automatically knows everything about cars.

Wally Cleaver: (Ward has told the boys how he used to walk to school as a kid) (to Beaver) Wally Cleaver: Yeah, every year the distance gets longer and the snow gets deeper.

Wally, as Beaver is opening birthday gifts): What happened to Uncle Billy? He usually kicks thru with ten bucks.

June: Wally, that's not nice.

Wally: Oh, uh, sorry. He usually kicks thru with ten dollars.

Wally Cleaver: Gee Dad, how come you know so much about buying cars?

Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, as unbelievable as it may seem they did have cars in my younger days.

Wally Cleaver: Used cars?

Chuckie's New Shoes

Chuckie referring to Beaver: He losted !
Mrs Murdock: Stop Talking like a baby !
Chuckie: But I am a baby !

Eddie enters the Cleaver house: I got a feeling they don't like me !
Wally: Oh, Let's face it Eddy, they never liked you !
Eddie: Ya but they're usually polite about it !

Beaver (as he's climbing to the soup bowl), to Whitey: You're such a stupid kid. There's no soup in that bowl.

Whitey (to himself, grinning): Yeah, I'm a stupid kid.

Ward Cleaver: Let's face it, June, Wally and Eddie have been friends for four or five years now - nothing's ever really happed.

June Cleaver: But Eddie has that look about him that makes you think something's always about to happen.

Miss Landers: Who wrote this in the board?

Judy: Charles Fredericks, Miss Landers.

Miss Landers: Erase it, Judy.

Judy: But Charles....

Miss Landers: I said, erase it!

(Ward has arrived home from work and is reading the mail in the living room, unbeknownst to June and Wally who have just come down the stairs)

June Cleaver: Now Wally, I want you to go in the living room and pick up those orange peels that you left on the coffee table. If your father comes home and sees them he'll be in a terrible mood all through dinner.

Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I don't want him hollerin' at me again. (June sees Ward in the living room, who has overheard their exchange)

June Cleaver: (sheepishly) Hello Dear. I was upstairs, I didn't know you were home.

Ward Cleaver: Oh yes, the monster has returned to his cave.

(Beaver is reading from the pamphlet on rules for the school bus)

Beaver: "Students...will not converse with occupants of passing vehicles." What does that mean, Wally?

Wally: That means no hollerin' out the windows.

Eddy typing Beav's hand written paper says "What did you do, write this with your feet"

May not be exact: (Lumpy pulls into the Cleaver driveway):

Lumpy: What's goin' on? I'm in my bedroom watchin' Captain Kangaroo, and my pop comes in and starts yellin'.

Wally: Maybe he doesn't want you to watch Captain Kangaroo.

"Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Cross my heart and hope to spit."

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: "Cross my heart and hope to never see television again."

Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.

Wally Cleaver: I don't get that.

Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.

Eddie, to Wally: How many times have I let you down?

Beaver: A couple 'a hunderd times.

Edidie: You stay outta this, boy creep.

(Beaver and Larry are having a picnic at Friends Lake)

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Hey Larry, how come food tastes better when your eatin' it outside?

Larry Mondello: I don't know. Maybe 'cause if you drop something, nobody's gonna' holler at ya' for gettin' dirt dirty.

Gilbert- “Golly Beaver a bum!”

Ward Cleaver: How'd the fishing go Beav?

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Great Dad. We didn't catch any fish, but Larry and I saw a man slip on a wet rock and heard everything he said.

June: Eddie, would you care to stay for dinner? We're having roast beef.

Eddie: Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. I really must be getting home. We're having squab this evening.

Fred Rutherford: (Wally and Eddie's prank on Lumpy has backfired) Clarence! Did you wrap this chain around the axle of your car and then try to drive off?

Clarence 'Lumpy' Rutherford: Gosh no, Daddy! Why would I do something like that?

Fred Rutherford: It just seems like something you would do.

(Beaver and Gilbert stop on the sidewalk in front of a bar) (Approx. dialog)

Gilbert: That's the girl in the box office.

Beaver: Yeah.

Gilbert: And she's smokin' a cigarette and drinkin' beer. She's what they call a woman of the world.

June Cleaver: Wally, where are you going?

Wally Cleaver: I'm going over to slug Eddie.

June Cleaver: That's no way to talk, this is Sunday.

Wally Cleaver: You're right, I'll wait 'til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria.

An Eddie & June quote:

Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.


I was at work early one morning and was watching an episode of LITB on my phone. My coworkers were giving me the business about it and someone told me to tell them "Gee your desk looks so clean. It almost looks like you never do any work around here!":lol:

That would be a great comeback but they wouldn’t get it.

Eddie Haskell: (Beaver thinks he isn't going to graduate from 8th grade) Hey, that's tough, kid. Let me think. Maybe I can help you figure a way out of this.

Wally Cleaver: Listen, Beav. At this point, I don't think you want to be taking advice from Eddie.

Eddie Haskell: Are you kidding? I've been in an out of every kind of trouble there is in school.

Eddie to Wally "What do you have, rocks in your head ?"

June: “Wally would take a job, Eddie, but he has track practice after school.”

Eddie: “Oh yes but I feel I’m doing the right thing. After all i’ve heard of very few millionaires who got their start running the 220.”

Beaver:

Larry: That sure is a messy-lookin' sandwich.

Beaver: I didn't make it for looks, I made it for eatin'.

Wally: Did you steal the boat, Beaver?

Beaver: No, Wally.

Wally: Really?

Beaver: Cross my heart and hope to spit.

Wally (to police detective): He didn't do it, mister. When he hopes to spit, he's tellin' the truth.

June: Beaver! What are you all covered with?

Beaver: Mos'ly dirt, Mom.

Beaver: "That proves it's a creepy game, if they let people like Eddie play."

Beaver compositions/poems:

The Duck
by Theodore Cleaver
3rd grade

Once I wished I was a duck
Cause mostly ducks have lotsa luck
They swim around all day in a pool
And mostly never have to go to skool.

Then I saw a duck
Hanging in a Butcher store
And I didn't wanna be
A duck no more.

The Most Interesting Character
I Have Ever Known

by Beaver Cleaver

The most interesting character I have ever known is my father Mr (counts as a word) Ward Cleaver. He does not have an interesting job (no one even knows 'zactly what it is) he just works hard and takes care of all of us. He never shot things in Africa or saved anybody that was drowning but thats all right with me because when I am sick he brings me ice cream and when I tell him things or ask him things he always listens to me. He used up a whole Saturday to make things in the garage. He may not be interesting to you or someone else because hes not your father hes (just?) mine.

(Both from "The World According to Beaver" by Irwyn Applebaum. Italics my comments.)

Maple Drive News (again, quoted from "The World According to Beaver")

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Beaver Cleaver
EDITOR-IN-STAFF Larry Mondello
(Temporary Sick)
TYPEWRITING Wally Cleaver

DOG FIGHT

There was a dog fight at Vista Drive. The dogs were Chief that lives at 8718 Lakeview Terrace and another dog who we don't know his address. The dogs was not hurt. If you see the other dog tell him to go home even though you don't know where he lives.

CORRECT TIME

If you want to know the correct time call the phone company but do not talk to the lady because she is a record.

NOTICE

At 8509 Grant Avenue there is some boys every day that is throwing dirt in Linda Thompson and Shelly Thompson's hair. Mrs. Thompson would like if the boys would would throw dirt in other kids hairs besides Linda's and Shelly.

Ward (to Beaver): Helping your brother study, huh? You learn anything new about history?

Beaver: Yes, sir. History is mos'ly about killin' people.

I like how they put for typewriting: Wally Cleager.

Tool of big business- What size is your mother?
Beaver: Well she comes to about here on my father.
Larry: Kinda like you except she’s got a different head.

One thing I wondered when I read the Maple Drive News was, is this yet another Thompson?

Yup and it’s on the post Calling All Thompsons.

Wally Cleaver: Are you giving me the business?

Ward: Remember, Beaver, discretion is the better part of valor. (Ward leaves)

Beaver: Wally, what did dad mean by that last thing?

Wally: Well, that's just a fancy way o' sayin', don't fight with big guys.

Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.

Wally Cleaver: I don't get that.

Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.

Beaver: "Wally's brushin' his teeth again. He's really crackin' up."

Wally: "Julie's not a creepy girl or anything."

Eddie: "Where's the fuzz?"
Wally: "The fuzz?"
Eddie: "Yeah. Your parents."

Ward: "Yeah. Or (in) a different state."

June Cleaver: Wally, where are you going?

Wally Cleaver: I'm going over to slug Eddie.

June Cleaver: That's no way to talk, this is Sunday.

Wally Cleaver: You're right, I'll wait 'til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria.

Beaver: How does the starch know to just work on the shirts?

Richard: I guess it's like weed killer--it knows to kill the weeds and not the grass.

(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "You wanna' mess around later?"
(Larry Mondello) "I can't, I'm grounded."
(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "How come?"
(Larry Mondello) "My father caught me eating pie in bed."

Beaver (yells): Hey, Wally, goofy Lumpy's here!

Lumpy: The Name is Clarence.

Beaver (yells): Hey, Wally, goofy Clarence is here!

From The Yard Birds:

(The boys and Eddie and Lumpy are loading junk into Lumpy's car)

(Eddie puts a lampshade and a flowered hat on a big bag of leaves in the front seat)

Eddie: Who says Lumpy can't get a girl?

Lumpy: Ha, ha, ha!

Eddie: Don't laugh, Lump. She's better lookin' than the last date you had.

Lumpy: Yeah, well, you know it wasn't my idea to take out your cousin.

(Wally, Beaver, and Eddie in LR. Wally calls White Fox Rest. to find out prices)

Wally, to Eddie: He wants to know table d'haute or a la carte.

Eddie: Never mind all that French jazz. Just ask him how much soup is.

Wally calls the restaurant: Pardon me, sir, how much is your soup? (pause) EIGHTY CENTS?

(Larry Mondello) "These here are Beaver's pigeons, which he named after his two teachers, which the cat ate, so he buried them."

Beaver: What's this stuff?

Wally: Turpentine.

Beaver: What's it for?

Wally: They use it to thin paint.

Beaver: Why don't they make the paint thin in the first place?

Wally: Then nobody would buy turpentine.

(Wally Cleaver) "Boy, Beaver, wait'll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They'll really give you the business."
(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business."
(Wally Cleaver) "Well, that's because I'm in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business."

Larry: I had my appendix out.

Beaver: Did it hurt?

Larry: Nah, they give ya appendix gas.

(Eddie Haskell) "Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon."
(Wally Cleaver) "I don't get that."
(Eddie Haskell) "Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent."

Ward: Even Ted Williams strikes out.

Beaver: Not when he's playin' girls.

(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "Sometimes things get so messed up, crying is the only thing you can do."

Ward (to Wally, who just came in soaking wet): I was watching you just now. May I ask why you deliberately jumped in a puddle?

Wally: I wanted to see if these shoes were waterproof. (He looks at them.) Guess they aren't.

Fred Rutherford: Have to keep a firm hand on boys nowadays, Ward. My Clarence answered me back the other day. I smacked him right in the mouth. None of this psychology for me.

Ward makes a comment about Wally's gumption.

June: Gumption? Well, land sakes Granny!

Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.

June: Beaver said he wasn’t going to speak to Larry for the rest of his life.

Ward: At Beaver’s age the rest of your life is seldom more than a few hours.

(June Cleaver) "Eddie seems to know a lot about the law."
(Wally Cleaver) "Yeah, he told his father, in three years he's going over the wall."

Ward: "Wait a minute Beaver, your brother can't go over there and sock em' for you."

Beaver: "Gee, Dad, what's the use of having a big brother if he can't sock guys for ya'! "

[Wally is cutting the Beaver's hair after he "losted" his haircut money]
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver : Are ya' finished yet, Wally?
Wally Cleaver : Well, I don't know if I'm finished, but I think I better stop.

June: The way Wally was talking just now, do you think there's something going on we don't know about?

Ward: Dear, when you have children, there's always something going on you don't know about.

(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all."

Ward & Wally:

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9d/04/9a/9d049a96b27534da0c341211c35bd4b7.jpg

Beaver:

Eddie:

(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "You wanna' mess around later?"
(Larry Mondello) "I can't, I'm grounded."
(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "How come?"
(Larry Mondello) "My father caught me eating pie in bed."

(June Cleaver) "Wally, where are you going?"
(Wally Cleaver) "I'm going over to slug Eddie."
(June Cleaver) "That's no way to talk, this is Sunday."
(Wally Cleaver) "You're right, I'll wait 'til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria."

Larry & Beaver:

June & Ward:

Marlene, to Eddie: "The bunny rabbit cartoon starts in 5 minutes."

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/5a/cf/fd/5acffd7eb23761a2da0defe29b08d98b.jpg

(Last line of the series.)
Beaver: "Yeah. Hey, Wally, let me wind it up next time."

(Ward Cleaver) "It's that friend of Beaver's. You know, the one who always talks like he was just frightened by something."
(June Cleaver) "Whitey Whitney?"
(Ward Cleaver) "That's it."

Larry:

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver : Hey Wally, how come Dad's taking us out to dinner and a show?
Wally Cleaver : I don't know; I think it's on account of togetherness; like you read about in the magazines. You know, it's supposed to make us a happy family and all that kind of junk.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver : Couldn't we be a happy family just eatin' in the kitchen?
Wally Cleaver : Na, that's no good. Ya' gotta' go out and show people you're a happy family.

Ward: Beaver, have you been eavesdropping again?

Beaver: No, I was just listenin'.

Wally Cleaver: Where'd you hear all that jazz?

(Approximate dialog)

June (with Ward, at a kitchen cabinet): That pitcher doesn't go there.

Ward: Why not?

June: It's just not kept there.

Ward: You know something? I'm gonna put it there.

June: Don't you dare!

Beaver & Eddie:

Ward (after Beaver laughs too long at a joke): Beaver, did you get a note from your teacher today?

Beaver: No, that was just one of your jokes I haven't heard before.

Wally Cleaver: Are you giving me the business?

Wally (to Ward): You've been lecturing the Beaver for thirteen years now, and he's still pretty stupid.

(Beaver's worried he doesn't have enough stuff to fill 3 pages for his autobiography)

Wally: Why don't you take your life and triple-space it?

Eddie, to the boys: The way your parents baby you two? Junior here is the only kid in the eighth grade who still rides a tricycle.

Eddie Haskell: Wally, if your dumb brother tags along, I'm gonna - oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I was just telling Wallace how pleasant it would be for Theodore to accompany us to the movies.

(Copied from a TV theme thread)

Lumpy: Did you go out for anything, Dud?

Dudley: Well, I went out for football, but I got my finger stepped on, so my mother made me quit.

Eddie: Well listen-- I went out for basketball and I got my hair pulled, and my mother made ME quit.

Dudley: It's not that I was afraid of getting hurt or anything; it's just that-- well, it's kind o' hard to play the flute with a busted finger.

[Eddie and Lumpy suppress laughter]

Fred Rutherford: Have to keep a firm hand on boys nowadays, Ward. My Clarence answered me back the other day. I smacked him right in the mouth. None of this psychology for me.

Ward and the boys:

(Wally Cleaver) "Did Dad hit ya?"
(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "No."
(Wally Cleaver) "Did he yell at ya?"
(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "No."
(Wally Cleaver) "Then why ya cryin'?"
(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "Sometimes things get so messed up, crying is the only thing you can do."

Wally:

(Ward Cleaver) "Ah, June, Gilbert's always talking about his parents. Have you ever met them?"
(June Cleaver) "Oh, I see her at the supermarket every once in a while. She seems like a calm sensible person."
(Ward Cleaver) "You can't really go by that. You might look the same way to her."

Ward:

(Wally Cleaver) "Boy, Beaver, wait'll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They'll really give you the business."
(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business."
(Wally Cleaver) "Well, that's because I'm in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business."

Beaver & Wally:

(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "You wanna' mess around later?"
(Larry Mondello) "I can't, I'm grounded."
(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "How come?"
(Larry Mondello) "My father caught me eating pie in bed."

Eddie & Wally:

(Ward Cleaver) "Ah, June, Gilbert's always talking about his parents. Have you ever met them?"
(June Cleaver) "Oh, I see her at the supermarket every once in a while. She seems like a calm sensible person."
(Ward Cleaver) "You can't really go by that. You might look the same way to her."

Wally & Beaver:

Beaver: What's this stuff?

Wally: Turpentine.

Beaver: What's it for?

Wally: They use it to thin paint.

Beaver: Why don't they make paint thin in the first place?

Wally: Then nobody would buy turpentine.

Beaver:

Larry: It didn't hurt when I had my appendix out. They gave me appendix gas.

Eddie:

Beaver, to June: I'm not gonna marry some silly girl. I'm gonna marry a mother.

Ward Cleaver: A man never gets so old, that he forgets how it was being a little boy.

Beaver (coming in from a carnival): And look at all the prizes I won. And, here, Mom, here's a Kodak bear for you!

Hmmm

Larry, to Beaver: What if she [your mom] cooked and gave her [Miss Landers] toenail poisoning?

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: (to Lumpy) Lumpy Dumpy Rat Rat.

(At the breakfast table, Beaver describes how Larry and Sonny were pushing Whitey back and forth)

June: Why can't boys get along?

Wally: Why heck, mom, what fun would that be?

Wally Cleaver: Where'd you hear all that jazz?

Ward: Want to go [to work] in my car, Fred?

Fred: No, my car is right out front. Might as well be comfortable.

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you really like me, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: I guess so.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you like me a whole lot?
Wally Cleaver: Look, don't get sloppy on me. I might just slug you one.

(Beaver and Larry are at the library. Beaver wants to see Mr. Haden, whose name is on the front of the library)

Librarian: I'm afraid the whole family is deceased.
Larry: You got anybody around here who's not dead?

What June Thinks of Eddie, as per Eddie !

Eddie Being Sarcastic Talking to Beaver ! as usual

Eddie Haskell : Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.
Wally Cleaver : I don't get that.
Eddie Haskell : Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.

Beaver & Judy:

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver : Sometimes things get so messed up, crying is the only thing you can do.

Larry:

Ward & Beaver:

Wally Cleaver : Boy, Beaver, wait'll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They'll really give you the business.

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver : But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business.

Wally Cleaver : Well, that's because I'm in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business.

Wally: Gilbert, you shut up!

Gilbert: Ya can't tell me to shut up; I'm not in your family!!

Gilbert Bates

"You know what she is, Beav? She's what you call a woman of the world."

Beaver & Larry:

Eddie, to Beaver: Some basketball player. You couldn't even dribble down your chin.

Ward: Say, Fred, what do you put in that briefcase you carry home every day?

Fred: Nothing important. I just carry it to keep the lower echelon boys on their toes.

(Larry Mondello) "These here are Beaver's pigeons, which he named after his two teachers, which the cat ate, so he buried them."

Eddie, to Beaver: I hear they got you in solitary confinement. What didja do, spill jam on your bib again?

(Ward Cleaver) "Sometimes I wish I had stayed single and raised silver foxes."

Ward: (to June)"What's the matter? Are you too tired or just not in the mood for murder?"

Wally: "Yeah, but he says the evidence they get on you won't hold up in court."

Beaver: "Anyway, he's afraid to get lumps on his chin."

Beaver: "Gone flaky over that girl. Real flaky."

Wally: "There's no law against people helpin' people, is there?"

(Wally Cleaver) "Yeah, every year the distance gets longer and the snow gets deeper."

Lumpy: "Calculus?! I'm still takin' algebra!"

Wally: "Eddie, did anybody ever tell you you're a big, dumb, stupid loudmouth?"

(Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver) "Lumpy Dumpy Rat Rat."

Lumpy: "It's supposed to prepare us for life."

Wally: "Eddie got up in class, and said it's illegal, because it's gambling."

June: (to Beaver)"No, dear, I don't want you buying any interest in any snake."

Ward: "Since when does Eddie pass up lovely looking girls?"

Lumpy: "What's the matter? Can't a guy point at a girl? What is it, a big deal or somethin'?"

Lumpy: "You just don't do that kind of stuff when you're an upperclassman."
Wally: "Oh, cut it out, Lumpy. You've been a sophomore for two years now."

Beaver: "That's why you don't have junk."

Beaver: "He's neat! He tells stories!"

Whitney: "I just can't help laughin' when I look at her."

Boy: "There's a whole lot of guys between a sergeant and a general."

Beaver: "Boy. Dad sure knew a lot of ladies back in the olden day."

Ward: "Do you, uh, mind if I join in the fun?"

Ward: "I was in the Seabees."

[Wally's in love]

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver : What's the matter with you, Wally?

Wally Cleaver : Whatta' you mean what's the matter with me?

Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver : You look like that time you ate all those rotten eclairs you found in the trash behind the supermarket.

Eddie (to Beaver): Look, Junior, who let you outta your sandbox?

Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we'd always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father's out of town.

Wally: When are we gonna eat? The Beaver and me are gettin' hungry.

June: Wally! The Beaver and I are getting hungry.

Wally: Yeah, I guess we're all gettin' hungry.

Whitey: Miss Canfield, should we print printing or should we print writing?

Beaver: I ain't going [to Linda's party].

Ward: You're NOT going.

Beaver: Thanks, Dad. I thunk you'd make me go.

Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we'd always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father's out of town.

Beaver & Larry: