Heaven's Gate Keeper: (to Jim)"Apparently, you've been red-flagged."
Jim: "Ahhh, hell."
HGK: "Potentially 'yes'."

Andy: "...you don't get over a broken heart without a little liver damage."

Cheryl: Jim, are you listening to yourself?

Jim: Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!

Jim: Are you nervous?

Ruby: No.

Jim: Then why are your hands so cold?

Ruby: You made me hold your Slurpee!

Andy: "You know, it's not funny when you guys unplug my keyboard."

Jim: (to Cheryl)"Andy's right. Get the belt."

Ruby's more likely to be red flagged than Jim:

https://hosting.photobucket.com/images/r255/molly-dolly/297521740_498403848758916_1554793820964632868_n.jpg

Cheryl: "Another store I can't go back to..."

Jim: "Well, where do you think the money comes from?"
Ruby: "The machine at the bank. You put your card in, and push 4-7-2-0."
Jim: "How do you know my code?!"
Gracie: "You move your lips when you do it."

Jim: "Look, girls, it may be okay for your mother to sit around the house all day lookin' pretty, but it's not gonna work for you."
Cheryl: "You know, girls, it's true. Not everyone can have a fairy tale life."

I think Jim now strongly wishes he could have locked Ruby up in that castle tower, after all:

https://hosting.photobucket.com/images/r255/molly-dolly/79697330_2647354442048577_2761036282551816562_n_5GEEBQucHwENAmJiiErgv3.jpg

Ruby:
Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?

Jim:
How does that work?

Ruby:
She's our sister, we're part of her posse.

adult Taylor Atelian - Booby from According to Jim :)

Gracie: Trophies are stupid and all the others are nerds. It's like being with 50 other Uncle Andys.

Jim: "And on that farm he had a heart attack."

Dana: "What'd you do? Send them to another family for three days?"

Dana: "I wish more of our relatives would die."
Jim: "I wish you would just leave."

Jim: "I've made it worse, haven't I?"

Cheryl: "Anger, fury, bitterness."

Andy: (to Jim)"You are upset. That's a helluva metaphor."

Cheryl: "My Uncle Donald was my dad's big brother."

Jim: "Unless it's about sports, steaks, or fireworks, I don't get excited!"

Jim: "I know what you're thinkin'... I married the hot sister."

God: "Seriously. You'd all go to Hell for Jim?"

Dana: (sarcastically)"I'm so glad I flew across the country for that."

Jim: "No! I'm gonna stay the way I am!"

(Last line of the series.)
Jim: "Well! God don't want me, the Devil won't have me, the way I figure it, it might never change. I'm gonna live forever."

Jim: Where's the rulebook?"
Cheryl: What rulebook?"
Jim: You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.

Andy: "It's just basic vacuum science."

Jim: "These two are so crabby, it's like havin' one adult woman here."

Jim: "What, can't a man class up his breakfast a little bit?"

Jim: "The sad thing is, I did his laundry."

Andy: "It's the Oscars of teeth."

Cheryl: (to Jim)"We're alone?"
Jim: "Yeah."
Cheryl: "Upstairs, naked. Now!"

Jim: "I've got fancy hair."

Jim: "I got so lucky... And she didn't get pregnant."

Jim: "...a healthy, mature approach to the old squeaky squeak."

Dana: "Jim teaching kids about sex? I'm scared."

Jim: "When have I ever stayed in the background?"

Ruby: "Are we doing my sex talk or not?"

Cheryl: "Jim, you don't count each can in a six pack."
Jim: "In my world you do."

This show sucked

Stealing Matthews house SMH

Andy: "International waters, that's where the real action is."

Jim: "Andy, we're a go for boobies."

Dana: "I don't want my husband my husband to see me topless..."

Jim: "We're watchin' drunk girls take their tops off."

Ryan: "...but drunken bar flasher never came up."

Jim: "If I wanted my advice, I'd listen to myself when I talked!"

Andy: "Thanks a lot, skanks."

Dana: "At least I was a single skank."

Cheryl: "That belongs out on Jackass Island."

Jim: "It's a pair of biggies."

Jim: Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich?
Dana: I don't think that'll help, Jim.
Jim: [pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...?

No, I mean, look, we hardly
had anything to begin with,

so we never gave anything away.

At my grandfather's funeral,
we had to bury him naked.

So my uncle could have
a suit to wear to the funeral.

Kyle: I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.
Cheryl: What?
Kyle: Uncle Andy says they're the best!
Jim: I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.

Jim: "Ohhh. You're both losers."

Jim: "Must be chilly down in Mexico."

Ruby: "Mommy, is this what Hell is like?"
Cheryl: "No, honey, there's no popsicles there."

Andy: "Be ready to be cool."

Cheryl: "Oh, that's right. I forgot about your vacation with the Flintstones."

Andy: "Damn. 95 degrees at 7:30 in the morning."

Dana: (to Andy)"I have exactly a tenth of the bod you have."

Jim: "I took the day off so I could go swimming with my bad, bad wife."

Jim: (to Ruby)"Anything else?"
Ruby: "Yes. I need you to buy me a training bra."

Andy: (to Dana) "Rebellious? You two were the town skanks."

Ruby: Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?
Jim: How does that work?
Ruby: She's our sister, we're part of her posse.