My secret is so big that just the tip well be enough.

- Penny

A Max quote:

Another Max quote:

A Penny quote: (Penny and Max always had the funniest lines)

Max: [acting as a tour guide with his limo] Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha!
Tourist: Really? That doesn't sound right.
Max: Aah ...
Jane: Yes, it is true. We are from Omaha, and that is a true fact. We are called the Window City because of our famous Window Museum. It's a lot of looking right through other parts of the museum.

Max: You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?
Jane: Marty?
Max: Marty Scorsese.
Dave: Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.
Max: I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Alex: You're going to do everything you would normally do on your July birthday. I'm going to take you shopping, we're going to get our nails did, and then we're going to throw you the best birthday party ever.

A Penny line/quote:

You're right, the juice is worth the squeeze.
- Dave

Pete & Penny quote/lines:

You look like Coolio when he takes his braids out.
- Brad

Max: "I mean, you practically begged me to do it by begging me not to do it. In fact sir I would like an apology, I am hurt. I am deeply hurt that you do not know me well enough to know that I would screw this up for you."

When you say it outloud like that it just really sinks in, like when I found out Gossip Girl was a guy.

- Alex

Jane: Are we gonna see any other Jackson Fives tonight? Yep. Are we gonna see any marionettes? Mos’ def. Are we gonna see any “Mos Def”s? I wouldn’t know it if we saw it.

Penny: "Ah, those sweet Chianti-soaked nights, strolling the banks of the Arno, meeting amazing people from all over the Big 10. Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I speak Italian!"

Alex: [her face and hands smeared with sauce] "Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I eat ribs!"

Penny: [to Jane] I don't even understand what you're raising money for. Animals for Change. Are you trying to genetically modify animals?
Brad: I want a teacup rhino.
Jane: "Animals for Change" helps to protect endangered species. Except for pandas. They have plenty of money. They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.
Penny: Okay, so someone else will be crafting your opening remarks.

Jane:

Max: [acting as a tour guide with his limo] Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha!
Tourist: Really? That doesn't sound right.
Max: Aah ...
Jane: Yes, it is true. We are from Omaha, and that is a true fact. We are called the Window City because of our famous Window Museum. It's a lot of looking right through other parts of the museum.

Alex:

Max: You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?
Jane: Marty?
Max: Marty Scorsese.
Dave: Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.
Max: I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Max & Alex:

Penny & Max:

Jan: Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do okay, but you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.

Jane & Penny:

Max:

Dave: We can prank him, beat him at his own game. We'll give him a shot of pre-vengeance, with a dose of pre-taliation, and finish him off with a load of pre-come-uppance

Alex:

Max: Sleepingtons. Nature’s lullaby.

Penny: But even seven bags shouldn’t make me this sleepy.

Max: Ah...runesta. Nature’s ambien.

Alex:

When you say it outloud like that it just really sinks in, like when I found out Gossip Girl was a guy.

- Alex

Jane:

Penny: Uh friendos...I did not make it out unscathed. I am extremely scathed!

Jane:

Max: Sleepingtons. Nature’s lullaby.

Penny: But even seven bags shouldn’t make me this sleepy.

Max: Ah...runesta. Nature’s ambien.

Alex:

Dave: Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough? Or the foot long wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon [Max removes the cover from the plate] steaktanic! Two pounds of meat.
Max: Steaktanic.
Dave: One liter of garlic aeoli.
Max: Steaktanic.
Dave: A half a block of smoked Gouda. Three layers of lettuce ... iceberg, dead ahead.
Jane: Wow, that is disgusting ... and illegal, I think.
Max: Steaktanic.

Jane:

Max:

Brad: You’re in serious chicksand.
Max: Not a word.
Brad: I’m making it one.
Max: You can’t just make words.
Brad: It is. I submitted it to the dictionary.
Max: You hear back? Brad: Almost.
Max: You almost heard back?

Dave & Max:

Strength, courage, composure, no carbs.
- Jane

Penny:

Nobody solves things through tennis matches anymore bro; it's not the 80s.

- Brad