Wilbur Post: I've been meaning to ask you, Ed. Just how do horses sleep standing up?

Mister Ed: [Shocked] We Do?

Wilbur Post: Didn't you know?

Mister Ed: How can I? When I'm asleep my eyes are closed!

Wilbur: "Boyy, this is what I call living."

Mister Ed: "Not enough sugar."

Wilbur: "Isn't she a wonderful wife?"

Roger: (to Wilbur)"You've been out in the sun too long."

Mister Ed: "A talking bird. What will they think of next?"

Carol: "Was she always this energetic?"

Aunt Martha: "How far is it to Mexico?"

Mister Ed: (to parrot)"Ohhh, you'll taste good barbecued."

Kay: "If I ever get a parrot, I'll teach him to yell 'Help!'"

Wilbur: What kind of name is Ed for a horse?
Mr. Ed: What kind of name is Wilbur for a man?

Mister Ed: What do you say we go out riding and pick up a couple of fillies?

Wilbur Post: I'm not a horse, remember?

Mister Ed: Too bad, we could have a ball double dating.

Wilbur Post: [after Mister Ed makes a great shot in a ring toss game] Good throw, Ed! I bet you're also good at pitching horseshoes!

Wilbur Post: I can’t believe this. My neighbor, my wife… my own wife whom I’ve known for three years, thinks that I’m crazy. I tell them that I have a horse that talks and they don’t believe me.
Mister Ed: Why should they? It’s ridiculous!

Mister Ed: I love Christmas. Wilbur is so full of the spirit of giving, and I'm so full of the spirit of receiving.

Carol Post:
How did you like Kay in leotards?

Roger Addison:
She looks like a plucked chicken trying to wriggle off a butcher hook.

Mister Ed: I don't have to stay where I'm not wanted.

Mister Ed: Stop gabbin' and get me some oats!

[Mister Ed, alone in his stall, picks up Wilbur's ringing office phone]

Mister Ed: Hello?

Kay Addison: [voice] Hello? I'd like to make a reservation. Is this Trans Continental Airlines?

Mister Ed: No, lady. This is the Pony Express!

[hangs up]

Mister Ed: No, Wilbur, I don't play horseshoes.
Wilbur Post: Really? Why not?
Mister Ed: Because Mom always taught us kids not to throw our clothes around!

Mister Ed: You love me more than you love your wife, don't you, buddy boy?

Wilbur Post: [after Ed finds a straw hat] What are you going to do with a straw hat?
Mister Ed: I'll wear it till it goes out of style. Then I'll eat it!

Wilbur Post: [after Mister Ed makes a great shot in a ring toss game] Good throw, Ed! I bet you're also good at pitching horseshoes!

Mister Ed: If you were a real man, your wife would stay home nights.
Wilbur Post: Are you saying that Carol is losing interest in me?
Mister Ed: If the horseshoe fits.
Wilbur Post: Well, what am I doing wrong?
Mister Ed: Nothing. That's what's wrong.

Lines from the theme song:

People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day
But Mister Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

Wilbur: What kind of name is Ed for a horse?
Mr. Ed: What kind of name is Wilbur for a man?

Mister Ed: Boy, am I glad I remained a bachelor!

Wilbur Post: I've been meaning to ask you, Ed. Just how do horses sleep standing up?
Mister Ed: (Shocked) We Do?
Wilbur Post: Didn't you know?
Mister Ed: How can I? When I'm asleep my eyes are closed!

Mister Ed: Oh Wilbur! I want to play with my set!

Mister Ed: You make fun of horses, and all you'll be riding is a pogo stick.

Mister Ed: [impatiently] Let's Go Wilbur!

Wilbur Post: Go? You're on the bottom!

Mister Ed: Sorry! I forgot!

Mister Ed: Don't yell at me, Wilbur, I'm not your wife.

Wilbur Post:
Ed, I haven't got time to play games. Mr. Banning wants to go for a ride.

Wilbur: What kind of name is Ed for a horse?
Mr. Ed: What kind of name is Wilbur for a man?

Wilbur Post: This is incredible. I don’t understand how it’s possible.
Mister Ed: Don’t try – it’s bigger than both of us.

Mister Ed: Wilbur, I’m attending college because I want to become a P.H.D.
Wilbur Post: P.H.D.?
Mister Ed: Palomino Horse Doctor.

Mister Ed: Wilbur, I’m attending college because I want to become a P.H.D.
Wilbur Post: P.H.D.?
Mister Ed: Palomino Horse Doctor.

People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day
But Mister Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

Mister Ed: (about the fact that Ed has caused Wilbur a lot of trouble for a sneaky trick he played on his wife and neighbors, so he could have his birthday party) Don’t be sore at me, Wilbur. I’m only a nine year old kid.
Wilbur Post: Well, nine years old in a horse is equal to sixty in a human being.
Mister Ed: Then stop yelling at an old man.

Wilbur: How did you like the bed?

Mr. Ed: The mattress was delicious.

Mister Ed: Wilbur, why don’t we write a letter to Dear Abby? She could give us advice on what I should do.
Wilbur Post: Okay, we’ll write Dear Abby. How’s this? “Dear Abby, my horse told me that he wants to leave home and have his own swinging bachelor apartment. Do you think he’s right? Signed, Butterfly Net.” Because that’s exactly what they’ll throw over me.
Mister Ed: You don’t have to say your horse told you. Tell her it was your cat.

Clint Eastwood: I have a little western sketch at home that I've been saving for a benefit performance.

Wilbur Post: Oh, is it written for four people?

Clint Eastwood: No, nine, but that's alright. It's a western, we can kill off five of them in the first few seconds.

Wilbur Post: (referring to Robin Hood) He used to steal from the rich, and you know why?
Mister Ed: Because the poor didn’t have any money.

Wilbur: Why don't you eat some hay?
Mr. Ed: If you had a dry mouth, would YOU eat hay?

Mrs. Adams:
[to Mr. Ed, while feeding him an apple] "This is a WASHINGTON apple!"

Mister Ed: My mother didn’t raise her horse to be a jackass.

Wilbur Post:
[examining a goat] What's wrong with him?

Mister Ed:
Splitting headaches. He keeps butting his head against fences.

Wilbur Post:
What are you going to do for him?

Mister Ed:
Have him take two asprine and have him to check back on me in the morning. But be careful. Don't let him eat the whole bottle.

Winnie:

Wilbur. I’m only a nine year old kid.
Wilbur Post: Well, nine years old in a horse is equal to sixty in a human being.
Mister Ed: Then stop yelling at an old man.

Wilbur:

[Mister Ed, alone in his stall, picks up Wilbur's ringing office phone]

Mister Ed:
Hello?

Kay Addison:
[voice] Hello? I'd like to make a reservation. Is this Trans Continental Airlines?

Mister Ed:
No, lady. This is the Pony Express! [hangs up]

(After realizing for the first time that Mister Ed can talk)

Wilbur Post: This is incredible. I don’t understand how it’s possible.

Mister Ed: Don’t try – it’s bigger than both of us.

Wilbur: "What are you going to do with a straw hat?"
Ed: "I'll wear it 'til it goes out of style. Then I'll eat it!"

Mr. Ed to Wilbur: Well, would YOU let YOUR mother be a plow horse?!

Wilbur Post: (after Ed finds a straw hat) What are you going to do with a straw hat?

Mister Ed: "If I could do this with a baseball, I'd be the toast of the Pony League."

Wilbur: "Women are born snoopers."

Mister Ed: "That new neighbor. I can tell by the beard he's a horse hater."

Mister Ed: "Because whiskers and tails don't mix."

Wilbur: "Remember, we've got to learn to live with our neighbors."

Professor Thorndyke: "They call me many things, but never to my face."

Wilbur: "He uses the carrot to move the pieces."

Thorndyke: "You'll find that I can take a joke."

Mister Ed:
Maybe I won't be here when he gets back. If I have nothin' to look forward to, I might as well look forward to it somewhere else.

Mister Ed:

Mister Ed: Wilbur, I’m attending college because I want to become a P.H.D.
Wilbur Post: P.H.D.?
Mister Ed: Palomino Horse Doctor.

Moko:
Whew! What a trip back. We've got to do something about those Earth astronauts. They're really reckless drivers.

Tatti the Martian:
Moko, forget this whole adventure. Instead tonight, you and I will sit back and think of a beautiful symphony.

Moko:
A symphony? You must be out of your cloud-picking mind. I've got a swinging party going on tonight! Heh, heh!

(Mister Ed, wearing dark goggles, a beret and a scarf sees the rented milk truck he’s about to drive)

Mister Ed: My first solo. Now I know how Lindbergh felt.

Mister Ed:
Well, time to hit the hay... oh I forgot, I ate it!

Ed:

Wilbur Post:
Ed, don't you want me to beat Marty Bixby and win this magic contest?

Mister Ed:
No harpoons for me! My name is Mister Ed, not Moby Dick.

Wilbur Post:
Ed, didn't you tell me that you're dying to go to San Francisco?

Mister Ed:
When I said it, it was just a figure of speach.

Mister Ed: You make fun of horses, and all you'll be riding is a pogo stick.

Wilbur Post: Ed, if you don't call off this ridiculous strike, I'll trade you in for a rocking chair!

Mister Ed: You make fun of horses, and all you'll be riding is a pogo stick.

Wilbur Post: Ed, if you don't call off this ridiculous strike, I'll trade you in for a rocking chair!

Wilbur Post : Ed, I told you not to spy on our new neighbors.

Mister Ed : I'm not spying, I'm just exercising my eyes!

Wilbur Post: (placing telephone away from Ed) You phoned the feed store, again, didn’t you, Ed? I thought I told you that I was the one to give the orders around here. Ya know, that’s the fourth load of hay we’ve had delivered this week.
Mister Ed: (talking while chewing mouthful of hay) Well, I’m hungry.
Wilbur Post: How come other horses don’t eat as much as you do?
Mister Ed: ‘Cause they can’t phone the feed store.

- One thing, Wilbur.
- Yeah?

When we take that first
jump, keep your eyes open

because mine are
gonna be closed.

Oh, Ed.

Ed, you're supposed to
jump over the hedge, not eat it.

Well, it looked so high,

I thought I'd nibble
it down a few feet.

Wilbur Post: "What kind of name is Ed for a horse?"

Mister Ed: "What kind of name is Wilbur for a man?"

This trip is for men only.
You mean you want to
leave Kay and Carol at home?
Exactly.
We don't need our wives. We'll
have the marlin. And they talk less.
- The trouble with you is
you're henpecked.
- I am not!
I wear the pants in my family.
That's the spirit. And be firm.

Wilbur Post: Ed, you have run away for the last time! I'm going to lock you in your stall.

Mister Ed: Don't do that Wilbur! I suffer from claustrophobia!

Mister Ed: Wilbur, I'm attending college because I want to become a P.H.D.
Wilbur Post: P.H.D.?
Mister Ed: Palomino Horse Doctor.

Mister Ed: "Well, time to hit the hay... oh I forgot, I ate it!"

I wouldn't believe
that horse could talk

if the two of you stood
there and sang a duet!

Mister Ed: I love Christmas. Wilbur is so full of the spirit of giving, and I'm so full of the spirit of receiving.

Wilbur, you're
right. I'm a beast.

Oh, it's not too late, Roger.

When she gets here,
show her loving kindness.

Buy her candy, flowers.
Make her feel welcome.

After all, you and Kay are
the only happiness she has.

I'll do it, Wilbur.

I'll buy a big
bouquet... $5.00 worth.

[Mister Ed sniveling]

Wilbur Post: [after Mister Ed makes a great shot in a ring toss game] Good throw, Ed! I bet you're also good at pitching horseshoes!
Mister Ed: No, Wilbur, I don't play horseshoes.
Wilbur Post: Really? Why not?
Mister Ed: Because Mom always taught us kids not to throw our clothes around!

Now, look, Carol, I don't
want any arguments.

We are dining out,
and that is an order.

Mister Ed: "If you had a dog, you'd let him sleep in the house... Then call me 'Rover' and wake me at eight."