Your favorite quotes and lines from Two and a Half Men.


A Berta quote:

An Alan & Charlie quote:

Another Alan & Charlie quote:

Alan: I appreciate the pep talk, but I have lost all hope.

A Kandi quote:

Alan & Kandi quotes/lines:

Walden: Hey, what are you doing..?

Alan: Just going down memory lane.

A Evelyn quote:

Walden: So how old is this guy..?
Alan: Let me put it this way, he was one of the original investors in Apple, the fruit.

Alan: The doctor wants me to have a procedure....
a colonoscopy.

Charlie: That's no big deal. They're just gonna shove a camera up your ass.

Charlie: A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.
Alan: He doesn't?
Charlie: No, he doesn't.
Alan: Can't we ask him?
Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?

An Evelyn & Charlie quote:

Alan Harper: Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.

Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

(Kandi, talking about a toothbrush, in the bathroom, with Alan.)

I always wondered, what's that little rubber thing at the end for?

Alan: It's to massage your gums.

Kandi: Oh, I thought it might be an eraser. But who writes when they're brushing their teeth?

Alan shrugs: I don't know. (He looks at the toilet.)

Kandi: What's a matter? (She brushes.)

Alan: I kinda have to pee.

Kandi: Go ahead.

Alan: Oh, no, no. I'll wait 'til you're finished.

Kandi: Are you shy about peeing in front of me? Cause Alan...

Alan: I get the hypocrisy. I just think it's important to keep a little mystery in a relationship.

Kandi: It's just peeing, Alan.

Alan: Not necessarily. Sometimes when a man urinates other muscles see that as a green light to relax.

(Kandi leaves the bathroom. A few seconds later., outside the door...)

Kandi (still brushing): Ouch!

Alan: What?

Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?

Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

Alan: [looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date] That her?
Alan: [blows his nose] I'm cured!

A Charlie & Berta quote:

Walden: This house is a mess. I think I should just cut my losses and sell it.

Alan: Don't even joke like that.

Evelyn quotes:

Alan: What do you want?
Berta: A motorcycle and another night with Neil Diamond.

A Charlie & Jake line/quote:

https://www.bing.com/th?id=OIP.q6F4MnEMmd7zkUYToGwvewHaHa&pid=1.1

Charlie & Alan quotes:

Jake, to Evelyn, who's in a hospital bed, faking a heart attack: Look, Grandma, I made you a card.

Evelyn: The gift shop was closed?

Rose: [this is Charlie's last appearance in the entire series] I think that's everything.
Charlie: What'd you tell your husband?
Rose: I didn't have to tell him anything, he's in New York for a big fashion show.
Charlie: Perfect. So what kind of clothes does he design anyway?
Rose: Men's sports wear mostly.

Charlie: "Okay, round one to the hot crazy chick."

Charlie: She/He's not coming back.

Alan: "Everybody keep their troublemakers in their pants."
Charlie: "I'll cooperate, but I can't speak for my troublemaker."

Charlie: "If it were that simple, we wouldn't call them 'troublemakers'."

Jake: Hey, she hit me with the wall of respect.

Alan & Charlie quotes:

Alan and Jake line/quotes:

(Berta is about to complain about an extended stay by Jake)

Berta: Charlie, you and I gotta have a conversation.

(Charlie hands her money).

Berta: Nice talkin' to ya.

[repeated line]
Chelsea: [whenever Charlie says something offensive that drives her away] Drop dead!

Jake & Kandi quotes:

Rose: "So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life."
Evelyn: "Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?"

Alan Harper: A movie would be fine.
Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake Harper: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!
[Alan and Charlie doesn't laugh and just stare at him]

Alan & Charlie quotes:

Judith Harper: JAAAKE! YOUR FATHER IS HERE!

Charlie & Berta quotes:

Alan: This sock is soaking wet.
Charlie: Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth, and the lid was open.
Alan: So this is toilet water?
Charlie: At least

Charlie: "My mind is just completely blown."

Charlie: "Where's Jake?"
Alan: "He went back to his friends in Hooterville."
Charlie: "It never rains in Hooterville."

Alan: I need to communicate after lovemaking. I need to share.

Evelyn: "(Hello), Charles."
Charlie: (to Michelle)"Speakin' of things I expect to kill me."

Alan: "Would you like to be called a 200-pound lush?"
Charlie: "One-eighty."
Alan: "See what I mean?"

Evelyn: "Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex."

Sherri: You're unbelievable, Alan.
Alan: Now, that could be taken a number of ways...
Sherri: Get out!
Alan: No ambiguity there.

Charlie: (to Alan)"You don't have any friends."
Alan: "Yeah, well, neither do you!"
Charlie: "That's my choice. You, you're just a social pariah."

"Alan: Charlie, let me tell you something; you-you-you can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt, he's a boy. It's... getting hurt is like his job."

Charlie: "That poor, clueless bastard."

Courtney: "Daddy's a little overprotective."

Courtney: (to Evelyn)"When you assume, you're just a bitch."

Courtney: "They say driving one is the most fun you can have with your pants on."

Alan: "Some patients pay in cash..."

Charlie to Alan:

Alan: Show me the better!

Charlie:

Evelyn: Could I get some coffee, Berta?

Berta: Who's stoppin' ya?

Rose: You think someone's out there spreading rumors [about you]?

Charlie: Worse. I think they're spreading the truth.

Jake & Charlie:

Judith (about Jake): It's a sign of clinical depression.

Charlie: You would know.

Judith & Jake:

Alan Harper: You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!

(Phone rings. Charlie checks caller ID.)

Charlie: Do we know a Teddy Leopold?

Alan: Mom's new boyfriend.

(Charlie lets the phone keep ringing.)

Alan: Suppose something happened to Mom.

Charlie: Then we'll have Dorothy bring us the broom.

------------

(In Evelyn's living room. Evelyn, Charlie, and Alan in scene. Another of Evelyn's boyfriends enters, and appears to die on the couch.)

Evelyn: OMG! The phone!

(Charlie hands it to her. She dials. Pause.)

Evelyn: Hello, Teddy!

Charlie: What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?
Jake: How do you know it was me?
Charlie: Oh, come on, who else around here drinks Transylvania Goofy Juice?
Jake: Good point

Evelyn, to Charlie and Alan: I don't recall any complaints when I was raising you two.

Charlie: Really? The teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a tipoff?

Charlie: I have a firm rule about dating married women.

Berta, to Alan: If she's firm enough, he'll do her.

Charlie & Evelyn:

Walden: So how old is this guy..?
Alan: Let me put it this way, he was one of the original investors in Apple, the fruit.

Jake & Charlie

Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.

Charlie:

Berta: [Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry, Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.
Charlie: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.

Charlie: Andy will love you.

Rose: Thanks, but you're saying that just to get rid of me.

Charlie: No, not just.

Charlie & Jake:

(Doorbell. 12 year old Jake is expecting his girlfriend's mom)

Jake: So you won't hit on 'er?

Charlie: Absolutely not.

(Charlie opens door. Gorgeous woman there.)

Taylor's mom: Hi. I'm Taylor's mom.

Charlie: Scratch that.

Charlie & Jake:

(Charlie brings his girlfriend's 4 year old son to the condo.)

Charlie: This is Linda's son, Brandon.

Kid: I'm Brandon.

Berta: I got ears.

Jake & Berta:

Charlie & Berta:

Jake: "You know, Dad, if you ever need a new liver, you can have half of mine."
Charlie: "I thought we had a deal."
Jake: "Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad."

Berta: (to Charlie)"Why don't you celebrate with a drink?"
Charlie: "I think I will."

Alan: (to Jake)"Summer school, three years in a row."
(Charlie says something about putting sawdust on vomit.)
Jake: "I can do that."

Alan & Jake:

Walden: You don't have the death certificate, do you?
Alan: No, but I'm sure my mom does.
Walden: How are you gonna get it from her without telling her about the money?
Alan: Uh, remember four years ago, how I told you I'd only be here a few days? I think I can figure it out.
Walden: [looking at audience] I can't wait for this to be over.

Charlie: "I'm so backed up I'm literally cockeyed."

Alan: "Hey, he likes girls and can tell time. I'm a happy dad."

Alan: "More like he's trying to get into something."

Alan: "Pretty cool, right?"
Charlie: "Yeah, if you're going to a Wham concert with Molly Ringwald."

Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.

Alan, to Jake: What do men have that women don't?

Jake: Beards?

Charlie: Lower.

Jake (deeper voice): Beards?

Alan: I just want to be alone.
Charlie: Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.
Alan: Just close the door on the way out.
Charlie: Fine. I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.

Jake: "Bazinga... That's from a TV show."

Jake: "I'm the victim here."

Alan: "That is a question for the ages."

Walden: "I didn't know Jake had it in him."
Berta: "Apparently he's had it in everybody."

Walden: "That would make a great country song."

Tammy: "No, biology failed me!"

Walden: "I can actually feel my IQ dropping."

Jake: (to Charlie)"Do I look okay?"
Charlie: "Jake, she waved at you. She smiled. Clearly her standards aren't that high."
Jake: "Right. Okay."

Judith: 'I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this.'
Charlie: 'Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid.'
Judith: 'I was talking about you!'

Jake & Berta:

Alan: 'When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things.'
Charlie: 'Like the truth.'

Evelyn:

Jake: This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
Charlie: No kidding.
Jake: Where are we, anyway?
Charlie: It's called Watts.

Alan: "I'm gonna get laid."
Walden: "Congratulations. Which hand are you gonna use?"

Drunk woman: "I am so wasted."

Charlie: OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!

Alan: "(as) far as Charlie is concerned, mi casa es mi casa."
(Charlie nods in agreement.)

Alan: [to Jake] All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
Charlie: Way better.

Walden: "Money does not buy happiness!"

Alan: "I wouldn't know, I never had either."

Alan & Charlie:

Alan:

Alan:

I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.

(First line of the series.)
Woman: (to Charlie):"So, what do you think?"

Alan:

Charlie Harper: : “And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.”

Woman: "Gave me herpes."

Berta: "I ain't cleanin him up."

Alan: "Hard to believe he wrote children's songs, isnt't it?"

Berta: "I heard colors."

Berta: "Maan, it sucks to be you guys."

(Last lines of the series.)
Walden: "You don't. Think that it's possible. That he's got the wrong guy, do you?"
Berta and Alan: (in unison)"(No!)"

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."

Mrs. Schmidt & Alan:

Charlie Harper: “My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.”

Rose: Charlie, you're acting crazy...

Berta: Hey, if anybody knows...

Alan : “I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.”

Alan: "...I made that offer in a lotta delis in Little Armenia."

Walden: "Do you think it's possible to have sex with someone without an emotional attachment?"

Berta: "Thank God for penaciilin."

Ginger: "That's the part that always makes me cry."

Ginger: "I bet on anything. I had two hundred bucks on my sister's pregnancy test."

Ginger: "I still dance, but just for tips."

Charlie: "Well, he is hot and juicy."

Rose: "I've never had a man like Gordon."

Jake: "What's a booty call?"

Alan: "Good point, Charlie. Always the eye for detail."

Alan: "Ergo, the booty call."

Charlie: "Don't cry, we can still be friends!"

Alan: "What?"

Charlie: "I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here."

Jake:

Alan:
I even made your coffee.

Charlie:
Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.

Alan:
But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.

Charlie:
Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.

Alan:
Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--

Charlie:
It means "like Christmas".

Alan:
No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...

Charlie:
I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.

Charlie, to Berta: Goin' home already?

Berta: I'm goin' to the opera. They can't end it till I sing.

Berta & Jake:

Lyndsey: "I never have to worry about you leaving me for a younger woman."
Alan: "Why's that?"
Lyndsey: "You can't get one."

(A funnier quote when you remember that he dated and married Kandi, but the writers did seem to try and make Alan as miserable and undesirable to women as possible in later seasons)

Jake & Charlie:

I think this was from the first episode without Charlie:

Alan: "I want to keep living here (the beach house)"
Evelyn: "How will you afford it?"

Evelyn (introducing a client to Charlie): Charlie is my #1 son.

Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like #2.

When Jake is cast as the lead in his school play:

Jake: (singing terribly) DREAM (high-pitched)... the impossible DREAM (high-pitched)

Jake Harper:
We had a surprise test today.

Alan:
And... ?

Jake Harper:
I was REALLY surprised!

(Sullen Jake leaves the room.)

Alan: That's a bad sign.

Judith: It's a sign of clinical depression.

Charlie: You would know.

(Jake leaves the table)

Berta: Sweet kid.

Charlie: Yeah.

Berta: Shame he'll never be anything but a burden to society.

Alan Harper:
[after Berta laughing out loud] What's funny?

Berta:
From where you're standing? Nothing.

Charlie: What procedure (are you going to have)?

Alan: A colonoscopy.

Charlie: Oh for God's sake, that's no big deal. They just shove a camera up your ass.

Alan: "It's like talking to a horny chimp."

Alan:

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get you through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

Charlie (to Jake): Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?

Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...

Charlie Harper:
I can't believe it.

Jake Harper:
Believe what ?

Charlie Harper:
I think I miss him.

Jake Harper:
Miss who ?

Charlie Harper:
Your father.

Jake Harper:
Oh.

Charlie Harper:
What about you ?

Jake Harper:
What about me what ?

Jake Harper:
Do you miss him ?

Jake Harper:
Who ?

Charlie Harper:
Your father.

Jake Harper:
Why ? Where is he ?

Evelyn's friend Marty (played by Carl Reiner, to Berta): What is that fragrance you're wearing, my dear?

Berta: Ben-Gay and foot powder.

Charlie Harper:
[in a couples counseling sessions] Chelsea, look. I know I'm not perfect.

Dr. Linda Freeman:
[chuckles]

Charlie Harper:
Hey, hey, hey!

Dr. Linda Freeman:
I'm sorry. That was probably unprofessional.

Berta: "Well, gaaaadzook. Zippy is gettin' his freak on."

Alan: "I'm a grower, not a shower."

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?

Alan: "Since when is that a requirement?"

Alan: "Shoulda taken the twenty bucks."

Alan: (to Walden)"Listen to me. Alcohol is just a
bandage for your problems."

Alan: "A selection from the classic era of soft core cable porn."

Walden: "I haven't watched any porn since college."
Alan: "Yeah. Me neither."

Berta: "I should have my own talk show."

Alan: "I'm still upset about not getting laid in high school."

Berta: "I'm so glad I'm baked."

Berta: (to Walden)"You are so funny. You should be on my talk show."
Walden: "I'm in."

Alan: "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

Walden: "I just saw a giant cat holding a churro."

Berta: (to Charlie)"Really? The one who works for him?"
Charlie: "Yes."
Berta: "Tinkerbell with the knockers."
Charlie: "The same."

Evelyn Harper: Alan darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.