Dick:
I think we've underestimated the life on this planet. The people have so much courage. Here they are hurling through space on a molten rock at 67000 miles an hour and the only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is their misplaced faith in gravity.

Coach Strickland: Solomon, climb the rope!
Tommy Solomon: What's at the top of the rope?
Coach Strickland: Your self-esteem.
Tommy Solomon: My self-esteem?
Coach Strickland: Now climb the rope or you get to go sit with the girls.
Tommy Solomon: So if I don't climb the rope, I get to go sit with the girls? You're going to have to help me out here, I'm failing to see the downside!

Sally: "Humans are not perfect."

Dick: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. (flips to the back of the book) I'm not going to read 380 pages if he can't even make up his mind in the first sentence!

Harry's catchphrases:
"Incoming message from the Big Giant Head."

"Message ending in three, two, one." (sneezes)

Tommy: [pointing to the stars] I've been there and there and there and there...
Harry: Wow. The long, boring stories you must have.

Chloe: (to Sally)"How many Venutians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Sally: "None. They get a man to do it."

Gabrielle: "Our weapon is... the beer commercial."

Judith: "I used to play rugby."

Tommy: (to Sally)"I can't believe you got your ass kicked by a girl!"

Dick: You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn't have that indefinable something extra.
Tommy: I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?

Sally: I like TV.
Dick: Me too. Let's say we turn it on. [he turns it on]
Sally: It's even better on.

Dick: "Please forgive Sally, she's not from Ohio."

Tommy Solomon:
Harry, I need you to drive me somewhere.

Harry Solomon:
Nope.

Tommy Solomon:
You know I outrank you.

Harry Solomon:
Then, "No, sir!"

Dick: "...there are other aliens in Central Ohio."

Sally: "...just to boff Mary Albright."

Harry: "Or hooker... Cheap painted hookers."

Dick: "He's a rich man with a drinking problem."

Harry: "I'm datin' twins."

Mary: (to Dick)"I saw you turn a man into a monkey!"

Mary: "You are an alien?"
Dick: "Yes."
Mary: "Why didn't I see this before?"
Dick: "Because you're only human."

Dick: "Easter Island was a practical joke that got out of hand."

Sally: "...I'm gonna kill Albright."

Harry: "Why are the crazy ones always attracted to me?"

Harry: "What happened?"
Sally: "We have to go home."

Harry: "Dude, we are broke. We have been broke for six years!"

Sally: "And the student becomes the master."

Tommy: "It's amazing what nineteen thousand dollars can do to an attic."

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Ah, yes, the 'Big Game'. God forbid your intellectual development should get in the way of the 'Big Game'. The fate of humanity rests on the outcome of the 'Big Game'.

Bug Pollone:
Is he being sarcastic?

The Big Giant Head: (to Dick)"Nooo! Because I am... your father."

Dick: "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel! Who am I?"
Harry: "Let me see. Your first name's Dick... Your new last name is Head... I guess that would ma -- "
Dick: "Oh, my God."

Harry: "Heyyy. What are you gonna do?"

Dick: "Guns don't kill people, physics kill people!"

Harry: "Dick, you know what they say. When life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons."

Dick: "Maybe if we hold out he'll throw in a goat or two."

Dick Solomon:
Nina, take my car to the garage and rotate my tires.

Nina Campbell:
That's not in my job description.

Dick Solomon:
What is in your job description?

Nina Campbell:
Typing.

Dick Solomon:
Okay, well, type it into your job description and get my tires rotated.

Dick: "That bar over there serves alcohol."
The Big Giant Head: "Hot diggity. I love this planet."

Mary: (to Dick)"The man is a jackass!"

The Big Giant Head: (to Sally)"I like the cut of your jib."
Sally: "Well, I've been working on my jib."

Harry: "Brothers who sell mattresses on TV."

Dick: "Mary, it's not a special power, it's more of a gimmick."

Dick: Can we take more than one?
Nina: Take as much as you want! Nobody's going to be at this thing.
Mary: Don't be so insensitive.
Nina: [to Dick] Yeah, shame on you!

Tommy: (to Dick)"I was just tryin' to score some points with my girlfriend. Is that too much to ask?"
Dick: "Romeo & Juliet is a Shakespearean tragedy; it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend."

[Mary has just tasted food Dick's rival Dr. Neesam made]

Dr. Mary Albright:
This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Once again I come second.

[after quoting Poe to his hand in a stairwell]

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[hand] Say, that was pretty good.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Oh, thank you. I just made that up.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
[hand] Liar! That's Edgar Allan Poe! I was there when you read it!

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Then why bring it up? Just to play mind games with me?

Mary: "Repression is the key to a happy family."

Dr Dick Solomon: I'd like you to meet my sister Sally, you're in luck, she's available

Dr Liam Neesam: "Really? A woman as beautiful as you, available? You must have a severe personality disorder.

Harry: Wow! This guy's amazing.


This sequence probably had me laughing as hard as I've laughed in 10 years

Dick: "Yes! Cleveland is a felony away."

Leon: "Cleveland is an eternity away if your heart is there."

Dick: "Tell me how it feels to use only ten percent of your brain."

Nina: "What are you from, Mars?"

[around Super Bowl season]

Harry Solomon:
Tell me what you've done to Sally. Where are you taking her?

Mascha:
I can't. I wish I could.

Harry Solomon:
Can't you give me a hint?

Mascha:
All right... We're going to do something on the weekend... in San Diego.

Harry Solomon:
Why can't you give me hint?

Mascha:
We're going to do something on Sunday... in San Diego.

Harry Solomon:
Just one clue?

Mascha:
We're going to something on SUNDAY... in SAN DIEGO... at a STADIUM.

Harry Solomon:
Just one tiny clue?

Mascha:
The Super Bowl, Harry!

Harry Solomon:
WORK WITH ME, BABY! WHICH SUPER BOWL?

Dick: (to Tommy) "You're a freak, you know that?"

Dick: "You're gonna be the world's tallest idiot."

Sally: (to Glenn)"Well, I don't see a lot of men as good-looking as you."

Harry: "How am I supposed to learn if you keep lettin' me out?"

Dick: "Because I raised a gifted son?"

Mrs. Dubcek: "Sally, marry this man."

Harry: "I'm out! I'm out of the closet."
Glenn: "I love this family."

Tommy: (to August) "...on the graph of smart girls and the graph of pretty girls, you're the sole intersection. The single point of perfection, in an infinity of stupid and homely."

Sally: "I just wanna be all that I can be."

Dr. Menard: "...in a society that's run by intellectual midgets."

Tommy: "Somebody shut me in the head."

Tommy: "I am the king of Dorkopolis."

Sally: "What you see is what you get."

Tommy: "This isn't even a so-called life."

Tommy: "...in a real school, one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders."

Dick: (to Tommy)"Relax! Damn you, relax!"

Dick: "IT'S CALLED THE CORONA! YOU'VE BEEN THERE! YOU KNOW THAT!"

Glenn: "Sally, you are a woman."
Sally: "What'd you think I was!?"
(Various expressions on Sally's face as she catches on.)
Sally: "Woww."

Sally: "I think Glenn found a loophole."

The Big Giant Head: (to Vicki) "I'm a rocket man, you know."
Vicki: "Really?"
The Big Giant Head: "Can I help you jettison your pants?"

Dick: Can anyone get their head to swivel to the rear? (no) Then how are you supposed to lick your back!?

Sally: "...I could snap your neck like a twig."

Sally: "I'm not the perfect woman!"

Dick: "You know, you never see yourself clearly until you see yourself through your lover's eyes... I am red freakin' hot!"
Sally: "Good for you. I'm a loud, destructive, irritating pain in the butt."

Tommy: "Well, Sally, here on Earth humans change for their lovers."

Dick: "...adults have far more complicated problems."

Harry: "I change for no one."

Sally: (to waitress)"I don't want to hear about the specials, lady."

Dick: "A broken heart demands mocha mint!"

Dick: (to Sally)"You've got to have more sex."
Sally: "More? I've never had any, ever."
Dick: "Ever?"

Dick: "Sex fixes everything."

Sally: "I mean, what do I have to lose except my virginity? Good bye, Mr. Hymen."

Sally: "Thanks, Dr. Albright. You're so nice. I always thought you were such a bitch."

Mary: "God, I love grilled cheese."

Mary: "She's a fully actualized person with so much to share."

Dick: "... we have been enslaved by our negative emotions."

Sally: "Well, that was worth a four-hour bus ride."

Nina: "Harry, it's a ceiling. Select a color and slap it on."

Tommy: (to Sally)"I think you're just on a power trip."

Dick: "I need conflict, it makes me feel, it makes me learn!"

Sally: "Yeah, but all the negative crap seems to come easily."

Dr. Goldberg:
[a psychiatrist is seeing Dick, who has just had his first dream causing him to doubt his sanity] Anything said in this room is absolutely confidential.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
Really? [He jumps on the couch and begins shouting] I don't belong on this planet. I'm an alien from another galaxy. The warranty on my brain just expired, and I'm scared to get married.

Dr. Goldberg:
That's a start. [later] The hour's up, we have to end this session.

Dr. Dick Solomon:
So, I'm all better?

Dr. Goldberg:
Well, I don't deal in a world of "better". I don't speak that language. But, no, you're not even close to "better".