Carter: "Pyle, you are an albatross."

Gomer: "How do I get back?"
Carter: "You can fly, Pyle. You're an albatross, remember?"

Sgt. Carter: Pyle. My old grandmother could do better than that.
Gomer Pyle: Well, bless her heart.

A Gomer & Sgt. Carter quote:

Alice Whipple: Harry, how long are we going to be here?
Harry Whipple: As long as it takes.
Alice Whipple: Well, I've got to get to the beauty parlor.
Harry Whipple: You're telling me

A Gomer and Sgt. Carter quote:

[Pyle is trying to remember the secret password, Lima Tango]

Gomer Pyle: Don't tell me, don't tell me. It's a bean, it's a bean... Lima.

Sgt. Carter: Lima what Pyle?

Gomer Pyle: Uhhhh... it's a dance, it's a dance... starts with T... I know- Lima Turkey Trot.

A Sgt Carter & Gomer Pyle quote/line:

Gomer's catchphrases:

"Golllllly!"

"Shazam."

"Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

Alice Whipple: Harry, how long are we going to be here?
Harry Whipple: As long as it takes.
Alice Whipple: Well, I've got to get to the beauty parlor.
Harry Whipple: You're telling me

Alice: Hurry up Harry, it's hot in here.
Harry: So fan yourself.
Alice: I haven't got a fan.
Harry: Use your lip.

Quote may not be exact, but it's close.

A Sgt. Carter & Gomer quote/line:

Gomer's fourth catchphrase: "Shame, shame, shame."

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

A Sgt. Carter quote/line:

Gomer: One of my favorite little sayings is, ‘To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.’

A Sgt. Carter quote:

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

Carter: "A horse..."
Captain Brinson: "One of our noblest creatures."

Gomer & Sgt. Carter quotes/lines:

Gomer Pyle: Hey, Sarge! Sorry I'm late!
Sarge: Four weeks K.P. for being late!
Gomer: Sorry, sir.
Sarge: Six weeks K.P. for talking!

Gomer Pyle: "Quallerbattoo!"
Sgt. Carter: "It's a SECRET password. DON'T ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD!"

[Pyle is trying to remember the secret password, Lima Tango]
Gomer Pyle: Don't tell me, don't tell me. It's a bean, it's a bean... Lima.
Sgt. Carter: Lima what Pyle?
Gomer Pyle: Uhhhh... it's a dance, it's a dance... starts with T... I know- Lima Turkey Trot.

Carter: "...the world is not ready for another Gomer Pyle."

Sgt. Vince Carter:
I don't get it Pyle, how come you can knock that Phillips flat yet you can't handle that little Lombardi guy?

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
Well sir, you see the big feller needed a lesson, the little feller didn't

A Sgt. Carter quote:

Sgt. Vince Carter:
Well, as they say on the playgrounds, tough noogies!

A Sgt. Carter quote/line:

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

Sgt. Carter: "You see that? You know what that is?"
Duke: "Your eye."
Sgt. Carter: "Yeah, well what's it doing?"
Duke: "Well it looks like it's twiching."
Sgt. Carter: "That's a symptom, Slater, a symptom."
Duke: "Of what?"
Sgt. Carter: "Pyle-itis. A disease cause by too much Gomer Pyle."

Alice Whipple: Harry, how long are we going to be here?

Marine: "It's like drinkin' beer at the wrong end of a bowling alley."

Well sir, you see the big feller needed a lesson, the little feller didn’t.

Sgt. Carter:

Gomer Pyle: Hey, Sarge! Sorry I'm late!

Sarge: Four weeks K.P. for being late!

Gomer: Sorry, sir.

Sarge: Six weeks K.P. for talking!

Carter: "Overstocked?! Pyle, when it comes to brains, you're understocked. In fact, you've got the lowest inventory on the whole base!"

Hannah & Gomer:

Sarge: I'm going to look for you, Pyle. I'm going to look, and look, and look until I find you. And when I do find you, I won't kill you yet. First, I will have to think of how I will kill you. Of course, I could just go with strangulation.

Carter: "...a possible misfire of the ignition package."

Where There's a Will episode:

The life insurance man and Gomer lookalike with a moustache in Carters nightmare about Pyle dying in a parachute jump and and naming him as his beneficiary:

Ten Thouuuuuusand dollars !

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

Leo: "Good, Gomer. We'll make a Hungarian out of you yet."

Leo: "If you leave the table on your own power, Mama gets insulted."

Mr. Kovach: "A partner in a business? Woo hoo hoo."

Leo: "They're that dead set."

Mrs. Szabo: "Who knows, with young people today?"

Gomer: "Shame, shame, shame!"

Mr. Kovach: "What is not to say? You are only the bride and groom!"

Sgt. Vince Carter:
Well, as they say on the playgrounds, tough noogies!

Sgt. Carter & Duke:

Duke:

Gomer Pyle:
Quallerbattoo!

Sgt. Carter:
It's a SECRET password. DON'T ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD!

Carter: "That's murder. Just plain murder."

Carter: "What is this, a doggie debate?"

Sgt. Vince Carter:
Well, as they say on the playgrounds, tough noogies!

Gomer: "...The (something) of crime bears bitter fruit."

Sgt. Vince Carter:
I don't get it Pyle, how come you can knock that Phillips flat yet you can't handle that little Lombardi guy?

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
Well sir, you see the big feller needed a lesson, the little feller didn't

Carter: "...thank yew, thank yew, thank yew."

Sgt. Vince Carter:
I don't get it Pyle, how come you can knock that Phillips flat yet you can't handle that little Lombardi guy?

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
Well sir, you see the big feller needed a lesson, the little feller didn't

Slater: (to Gomer)"That's not your problem. He got drunk on his own; let him get home on his own."

Iona Purcell: (to Gomer)"What'd you do, get him drunk?"
Gomer: "No, ma'am."

Harry Purcell: "Never drink on an empty stomach, Gomer."

Iona: "...and Harry doesn't drink."

Carter: (to Iona)"That's Pyle, all right."

Iona: "I'm not a troublemaker. But when I get mad, Sergeant Carter, you'd better watch out."

Boyle: "Looks like your little boy's grown up."

Waitress: "You know, Gomer, you ought to leave your stomach to science."

Harry: "You know your trouble, Gomer? You're too serious."

Carter: (to Iona)"Your husband's a sous."

Carter: "It ain't the Queen of Romania."

Sgt. Carter:
Pyle. My old grandmother could do better than that.

Gomer Pyle:
Well, bless her heart.

Sgt. Carter & Gomer:

Gomer: "...he looks just like a happy beaver."

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

Gomer: "I never heard anything more beautiful in all my put togethers."

Carter: "... I'm a fool for tradition."

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

I liked how Sgt. Carter almost blubbers "Boyle, I want Pyle back" in Chef for a Day. It's such a great line reading that he makes an average line funny. A funny episode.

Carter: "This is a Marine base, not a home for lost animals."

Carter: "Just when you think you got a guy pegged, he double crosses you."

Sgt. Vince Carter:
All I can say is, if the idea of desertion ever crossed your mind, you'll never find a better time to look into it.

Carter: "Do you like me?!"
Carter's Platoon: "YES, SIR!!"
Carter: "Well, I don't like you!!"

Carter: ""He was the greatest DI that ever lived."

Sgt. Vince Carter:
All I can say is, if the idea of desertion ever crossed your mind, you'll never find a better time to look into it.

Gomer & Sgt. Carter:

Gomer Pyle:
Quallerbattoo!

Sgt. Carter:
It's a SECRET password. DON'T ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD!

Carter: "What am I, a rat?"
Boyle: "No comment."

Gomer Pyle: Well, bless her heart.

Gomer Pyle: Don't tell me, don't tell me.

Gomer: "Gollllly. That sounds just perfect."

Gomer: "Well, look who's here!"
Lou Ann: (stands up)"Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

Carter: "Why?! Because chivalry ain't dead!"

Sgt. Vince Carter:
Well, as they say on the playgrounds, tough noogies!

Gomer & Sgt. Carter:

Gomer Pyle:
Quallerbattoo!

Sgt. Carter:
It's a SECRET password. DON'T ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD!

Gomer & Duke:

Alice Whipple: Harry, how long are we going to be here?
Harry Whipple: As long as it takes.
Alice Whipple: Well, I've got to get to the beauty parlor.
Harry Whipple: You're telling me.

Carter: "Fine way to run a hospital. Next thing you know, you'll have a different door for every disease."

Andy: Psst. Hey, Gomer.
Gomer: (removes bucket) Hey, Andy. How'd you know it was me under this thing?
Andy: I just took a guess. What's wrong?
Gomer: Nothin'. Why do you ask?
Andy: Well, Gomer, whenever I see a man sittin' by hisself in a Quonset hut with a bucket on his head I've got to ask, "What's wrong?"

Gomer: "That's the first remark you made all day that wasn't smart."

Sgt. Carter:

Pvt. Gomer Pyle: Sir, Private Pyle requests permission to enter the duty hut.

Sgt. Vince Carter: Did you hear something?

Sergeant Whipple: Yeah, sounded like mice.

Gomer: "It sure done the trick."

Alice Whipple: Harry, how long are we going to be here?

Harry Whipple: As long as it takes.

Alice Whipple: Well, I've got to get to the beauty parlor.

Harry Whipple: You're telling me.

Sgt. Carter:

Sgt. Vince Carter: I don't get it Pyle, how come you can knock that Phillips flat yet you can't handle that little Lombardi guy?
Pvt. Gomer Pyle: Well sir, you see the big feller needed a lesson, the little feller didn't

Sgt. Carter:

Gomer Pyle: "Do you like me"?

Gomer & Eddie:

"Gosh!"

Duke: "You're hopeless, Gomer, really hopeless."

Gomer: "Shameful, shameful."

Sgt. Carter & Gomer:

Carter: "Any day away from you, Pyle, I consider a vacation."

Carter: "I've seen a bunch of Girl Scouts move faster than this!!"

Carter: Pyle, you are an albatross.

Gomer: How do I get back?

Carter: You can fly, Pyle. You're an albatross, remember?

Carter: "Those guys couldn't hit the floor with their shoes!!"

Gomer Pyle: To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.’

Sgt. Carter:

Gomer Pyle:

Don’t tell me, don’t tell me. It’s a bean, it’s a bean… Lima.

Gomer: "Listen to the quiet. Just listen."

Carter: "Experience is the best teacher. And when it comes to girls, that's me."

Gomer: "I can't kiss and listen to trains at the same time."

Sgt. Vince Carter:
All I can say is, if the idea of desertion ever crossed your mind, you'll never find a better time to look into it.

(Talking about Gomer)

Sgt. Carter:

Vince Carter: "This is America, Pyle, nobody has to get a tattoo!"

Gomer: "Thoughtful, thoughtful, thoughtful."

Gomer: "Good luck, good luck, good luck."

Sgt. Carter:

Sgt. Carter:

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

Gomer: "My mama always used to say, 'Marry in haste and repent in leisure.'"

Teenage girl:

Private Gomer Pyle: [gagging] Sir, yes, sir!

Frank: "Well, well, well. If it ain't old Handy Andy himself."

“Go-o-o-o-llee!” - Gomer Pyle

Sgt. Carter & Gomer:

Carter: "If there's another like you, Pyle, I hope he doesn't join the Marines."

Carter: "Ohh, how the bookies in Las Vegas would like to get in on that."

Carter: "He is a slow starter, sir."

Gomer:

“Life is like a beer, once you lose your head it’s all over.”

- Sgt. Carter

Sgt. Carter:
Pyle. My old grandmother could do better than that.

Gomer Pyle:
Well, bless her heart.

(First line of the series.)
Carter: "All right, move it. Let's go! Come on, you. In there! Come on; move it, move it! In that seat."

Alice Whipple: Harry, how long are we going to be here?
Harry Whipple: As long as it takes.
Alice Whipple: Well, I've got to get to the beauty parlor.
Harry Whipple: You're telling me.

Carter: "Well, as they say on the playgrounds, tough noogies."

(Gomer Pyle) "Don't tell me, don't tell me. It's a bean, it's a bean -- Lima."
(Sgt. Carter) "Lima what Pyle?"

Other teams soldier & Gomer:

Carter: "They're not just knuckleheads, they're nearsighted knuckleheads!"

Boyle: "Vince, you're as warm and human as they come."

Carter: (sarcastically)"There's nothing out but a bunch of crummy moonlight, anyway."

Carter: "Yeah. A regular Pied Piper."

[repeated line]

Gomer Pyle:
Shame, shame, shame!

Gomer & Sgt. Carter:

Sgt. Carter:

Carter: "Pyle is an unfortunate accident."

Pvt. Gomer Pyle:
[while raking] See-saw Majorie Dawl, Jack shall have a new Master. He shall make but a penny a day, because he can't work any faster

Gomer: "It's always good to hear a man mend his own ways."

Waitress: (to Gomer)"The Welsh rarebit fiend."
Gomer: "Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony."

“Life is like a beer, once you lose your head it’s all over.”

Sgt. Carter

Eddie & Gomer:

Miss Bunny:

Carter: "I'll get you for this, Pyle. If it takes the rest of my days, I'll get you for this."

Carter: "Where did I fail?? Where did I fail? Where..."

Gomer: "Sergeant, I'm not a jinx. Honest I'm not."

Gomer: "I went and captured us a submarine."

Gomer: "Of course, that was just to make me a better Marine."

Carter: "I don't think the men should see their sergeant laughing and crying at the same time..."

Carter: "Foul up? He's a one man disaster area."

Carter: "It was just one of them lucky breaks that only happens to fools."

Slater: "...there's two sides to every story."

Carter: "...the person going away doesn't give presents."

(Last lines of the series.)
Carter: "Okay, Pyle, let go of my hand."
Gomer: "Well, I can't, sergeant; that's what I wanted to tell ya. I got shellac all over it."

Gomer Pyle:

“Gosh!”

Gomer: (to Carter)"How do you know so many things?"
Carter: "My job, Pyle. It's my job."

Sgt. Vince Carter:
All I can say is, if the idea of desertion ever crossed your mind, you'll never find a better time to look into it.

Gomer:

(Alice Whipple) "Harry, how long are we going to be here?"
(Harry Whipple) "As long as it takes."
(Alice Whipple) "Well, I've got to get to the beauty parlor."
(Harry Whipple) "You're telling me."

Carter: (to Gomer)"'One of the family.' You knucklehead."

Slater: "Now look, Gomer. He's a monster but at least he's our monster."

Gomer: "Sergeant Carter, you are a kind man."

(Gomer Pyle) "Don't tell me, don't tell me. It's a bean, it's a bean -- Lima."

Sgt. Carter:

(Alice Whipple) "Harry, how long are we going to be here?"
(Harry Whipple) "As long as it takes."
(Alice Whipple) "Well, I've got to get to the beauty parlor."
(Harry Whipple) "You're telling me."

Gomer: "Shameful, shameful."

Sgt. Carter:

Grandma Pyle: "He's as Taurus as you can get."

Sgt. Vince Carter: You told all this to the captain?

Pvt. Gomer Pyle: I told him I'd a still been out there if it hadn't been for you.

Gomer: "You know what they say, 'Satan finds work for idle hands'."

Sgt. Hacker: "Why did I have to run out of potatoes?"

Carter: 'You're hopeless, Pyle, hopeless!"

Gomer: "It's like Grandma Pyle always says, 'No matter how hard you try, you can't get an egg from a rooster'."

Gomer:

Sgt. Vince Carter: I don't get it Pyle, how come you can knock that Phillips flat yet you can't handle that little Lombardi guy?

Pvt. Gomer Pyle: Well sir, you see the big feller needed a lesson, the little feller didn't.

Sgt. Vince Carter: I don't get it Pyle, how come you can knock that Phillips flat yet you can't handle that little Lombardi guy?

Pvt. Gomer Pyle: Well sir, you see the big feller needed a lesson, the little feller didn't.

Carter: "Pyle, you are a goldbrick!"

General Richards: "What kind of a recruit sends back money?"

General Richards: "...'Gomer'. Sounds like an actor's name, doesn't it?"

Carter: "He's the first knucklehead that ever insisted on returning money."

Pyle: "Can I read it?"
Carter: "I doubt it."

Gomer: "Grandma Pyle always used to say, 'A workman should be worthy of his hire.' Bless her heart."

Carter: "I don't like nobody questioning my impartialness."

Gomer: "That sure is a curious prize for a raffle."

General Wells: (to Carter)"Oh, Sergeant. Remember: A workman should be worthy of his hire."
Carter: "Grandma Pyle."

Bunny: "A candle sticking out of a bottle isn't what I call atmosphere."

Carter: (to Bunny)"You want to dance? Go out with Fred Astaire."

Sgt. Hacker: "How can you outsmart a guy that has no brains?"

Carter: "Strategy. Just plain strategy."

Sgt. Carter & Gomer:

Sgt. Carter:

Sgt. Hacker: "I guess I must be a father image."

Sgt. Hacker: "It don't look like nature's takin' its course."

Sgt. Carter & Gomer:

An Officer and Sgt. Carter:

Gomer: "For goodness' sakes. Goober! For goodness' sakes!"

Gomer: "Old friends is best friends."

Gomer:

Carter: "Hear that? Now there's a date I can believe."

Slater: "I don't know why I even bother to go into town. I could have more fun doing my laundry."

Carter: "Good. No riff raff."

Pvt. Hummel: "Well, well. So this is how the other half lives."

Carter: (on phone)"What is it this time, Baron Munchhausen?"

Carter: "What I couldn't accomplish in three soild years is here. Father Time came along and did the job for me."

Carter: "I'm tellin' ya, Pyle, you look like you stepped right out of one of them men's magazines."

Carter: "Surprise, surprise, surprise! Only this time the surprise is on the other foot."

Gomer Pyle: Hey, Sarge! Sorry I'm late!
Sarge: Four weeks K.P. for being late!
Gomer: Sorry, sir.
Sarge: Six weeks K.P. for talking!

Oh, Pyle.

Your shirt is still
sticking out a bit.

Uh, tuck it in, will you please?

Yes, sir, Sergeant, I sure will.

Could I borrow some
bicarbonate and a lemon?

What for?

Well, it's for Sergeant Carter.

He's having stomach pains.

Oh?

And I'd thought I'd fix him up

some of Grandma
Pyle's stomach medicine.

A half a lemon and two
tablespoons of bicarbonate

and some sassafras root.

Gomer: "Yeah. And it's funny, funny, funny."

Gomer: "You're just cynical, Duke."

Gomer: "Cynical, cynical, cynical."

Carter: "You know somethin', Pyle? The world has changed a lot since I was a kid."

Sgt. Hank Singer: "Get the chaplain over to listen to this heartbreakin' story."

Carter: "Come on, Hank, anybody can do your job."

Pvt. Lester Hummel: "I always say, 'Plan your work and work your plan'."

Hummel: "Simple power of observation and retention."

Gomer: "Smart feller, that Lester."

Sgt. Hank Singer: "Get the chaplain over to listen to this heartbreakin' story."

Carter: "Come on, Hank, anybody can do your job."

Pvt. Lester Hummel: "I always say, 'Plan your work and work your plan'."

Hummel: "Simple power of observation and retention."

Gomer: "Smart feller, that Lester."

Corporal Boyle: "I guess Sunday is just fun day for Gomer."

Gomer: "Fun? Well, I want to tell you one thing, Mister Binder. I don't appreciate your sense of humor and I don't appreciate what you did with my pictures in your magazine.

"It was a mean, low down trick."

Gomer: "It was deceitful, that's what it was. Sham trickery, out and out lying."

Alice Whipple: Harry, how long are we going to be here?
Harry Whipple: As long as it takes.
Alice Whipple: Well, I've got to get to the beauty parlor.
Harry Whipple: You're telling me.

“It’s all about the journey!”

Frankie: [Gomer is inviting Frankie to the movies] I don't wanna see another Godzilla picture... He's made more movies than Doris Day!